That is true. But at what point does life become unreasonable or unlivable? Or is there even a threshold for that? My tinnitus feels like electricity shocking me most days and is intermixed with this high frequency zapping that makes me nauseous. I also have severe hyperacusis—the homebound kind; the kind where sounds even hurt with double protection on. My symptoms have been worse these past couple days... just random, as nothing's happened. But it sent me to an even darker place. I feel absolute dread and despair, like my life is over and I dunno how to cope. And all the things that brought this on to begin with were so seemingly normal, not loud sounds or hard meds.
Most people can't imagine or understand this situation. It's like being trapped in a torture chamber with no way out and it'll never kill you, so a horror movie come true, basically. I saw a TV show and it was about a lady who had terminal cancer. She had maybe a year left to live. It was sad and everyone was talking about how tough of a situation it was, which ya, that does suck and it would be sad to be in those shoes. But regardless, she was still happy and still doing her job as a school teacher. She was still having get-togethers with friends and family. She didn't have any problems living life, doing normal stuff, despite undergoing chemo and what not. It was terminal, though, so she'd die in a year or so.
But after seeing all that, I felt even more anxious about my situation 'cause here this person was, someone society considers the be-all and end-all of victims, or one of life's worst-case scenarios; someone they exalt in the namesake of tragedy; everyone mourning her situation and all, yet her life wasn't near as restrictive as mine. And she was gifted with a way out — death.
Not that I want to feel self-pity or want to think like that, but how is it possible not to? My situation is like being trapped in that chamber and you can't even be around people, live life, or exist in a meaningful way. I've lost relationships and hobbies, can't do anything fun barely, and on top of that, have this electricity tinnitus + severe hyperacusis. It's mental and physical anguish. And it won't kill me—ever. If it would, at least I would know relief is coming.
If, let's say, once reaching a certain severity point, tinnitus and hyperacusis were to cause the central nervous system to shut down or something, thereby ending your life, that would seem reasonable. The conditions would no longer seem so inhumane. But that's just make-believe and nature hasn't dictated such a solution. And when I take supplements or meds, I get permanent worsenings, and I can't afford to get any worse. So I feel like my 9 lives are up, yet they aren't 'cause it won't kill me — see the paradox? Reality is, with tinnitus and hyperacusis, you have endless lives, not 9, and you have endless opportunities to get worse, meaning it can always get worse, which seems unconscionable, but somehow it's true. I'm just realizing more and more how downright sadistic these conditions are. I feel like my mind and body are blown, but I dunno how not to go on. I feel so traumatized that I'm almost in a trance-like state-of-mind where all I can do is stare at the wall.
Not sure what to do. I've been praying for sufficient healing or death. I just feel like life's too unreasonable, like I'm no longer compatible with this world. Suicide or VAD are not options for me, so it feels truly hopeless. I'm just hoping a treatment or medication can come soon to help, which I'm trying to stay optimistic about.
MemberI am still in silence at home most of the time.
