T sucks for sure and alters your life. However, like Martin indicates, suicide would hurt my family and I really couldn't pull it off. I have thought of it, but always think of things like.."Where will I go? Will God forgive me? This is permanent and I can't undo it. Is there a cure just around the corner? Will I habituate?, Etc."
I'm only 11 months in, so I still have hope. Long term? I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
For now, I live day by day and create diversions to help me get through. I pray to God to help me and everyone who suffers from this incessant demon.
My whole family has T for various reasons and have habituated over time. They don't even know it's there anymore. This alone gives me a ray of sunshine amidst the darkness.
God bless!
Sailboardman
Bro, you and I had similar thought process about suicide. A few years back my body was taking immense sufferings from ultra high pitch dog whistle T, severe H, as well as relentless anxiety and panic attacks. The combined sufferings were too much to bear and the big S word was tempting to my tired and stressed out mind as it saw no way out of the long dark tunnel. But I didn't want to die this way at all cost. I began to search on Internet, and those youtube videos of people coming back from near-death experience after attempting suicide have painted such an unpleasant experience that they helped to convince me to stay put and fight these T & H bullies while I am alive. I humanize them as my worst bullies in life and I refuse to kneel and bow to their supremacy.
I use the approach that, if I can just find examples of people who have survived severe T (and H too in my case), then I know it is survivable, and I would use their attitude, strategies, philosophies or whatever they rely on to help me soldier on with T & H. Additionally, I used examples of people surviving the tortures of Gulag to help motivate my fighting spirit. I searched internet with people dealing with acute chronic pain to see how they cope (there I found Darlene Cohen who survives her pain from young 20 to near 70). Ultimately, I searched for people with loud and unmaskable T to see how they can survive this ordeal. Well some people with deafness are known to have unmaskable T. One lady actually was in the same area I live. Through our conversation, she had survived 12 years of unmaskable T due to partial deafness, been to ER a few times, lost her marriage, on Klonopin for this long too to cope, but she has survived her T and now moving on.
Another one just came to the support forum I was in back then to introduce her tinnitus film. She is an attractive, young lady Zoe Cartwright with loud and unmaskable T which she described as *^%$#@! loud. Her T became unmaskable since she became completely deaf at 15. Somehow, bless her, she manages to choose acceptance over resistance and move on to pursue her goal to attend univerisity. Against all odds, she made it. After 10 years of the unmaskable T, she made the tinnitus short film which I already posted about on page 15 of the Positivity Thread. The film title of 7.24.52.10 was chosen because she said her loud unmaskable T was for 7/24, 52 weeks a year for 10 years at the time of the film. She survived it and even said she loves her life. Amazing and shocking to me, honestly. How did she survive that endless noise in her waking hours all these years? But she did it, believe it or not. Is loud T really that unbearable or is it my acute negative reaction causing it?
Well, her example is enough indication to me that with a certain attitude and approach and a persevering human spirit, T is survivable and livable. That is enough guiding light for me to decide to take on these T & H bullies and stay put & fight them on my feet. By fighting, it doesn't mean by more emotional or negative reactions, but by emulating what others have learned to do - acceptance (not accepting T but the reality of T in my life), positivity (I was very negative person before, hence my years of living with anxiety and panic disorders), patience (letting the body to have enough time to heal), strategies (CBT, mindfulness meditation, abdominal breathing), finding joy amid the pain (willing to peacefully co-exist with T and yet living life abundantly to compensate for any suffering from T). And you can add to that whatever you like to enjoy, in my case outdoor, fishing, hiking, singing, dancing, serving & caring for others, etc. etc. Just live your life again.
I have learned the wisdom from a war veteran who replied to my inquiry how to live with T long term. He said, 'I am a soldier. I fight for a living. But with tinnitus, I have learned to ACCOMODATE it, and not to fight!'. What wisdom from a professional solider. I learn my lesson and apply the wisdom. In a few years, the tyranny of T over me is over. It still scream its lung out but me and my body don't give a dime to it now. Don't know how. It just happens over time when I stop resisting T. T can go to hell while I enjoy my earthly heaven. Don't give up the fight, bro and sis. If IWLM can be back to silence after 40 years, you can't rule out anything and in time the medical world may come up with a solution. So hang in there.
I wish you all the luck and good fortune in the world and hope you can overcome this monster. You're not alone!
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