Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

Well, I'm really hoping things get better for you as soon as possible. I've read some stories here where some people recovered from severe tinnitus, but didn't notice any improvement until 12-18 months.

This whole thread has some stories and lots of examples if you haven't combed through it yet.

 

Yeah, thanks. I have read pretty much all success stories on Tinnitus Talk. Many, my favorite ones, over and over again. The most valuable content here. Literally a lifeline.

 

I am in a prolonged worsening period, with minimal respite from tinnitus. I am increasingly hopeless as one year anniversary of this nightmare is approaching. I know people have waited longer for improvement, so we'll see.

I went to a grocery store today, haven't been to one in several months. It made me realize that my hyperacusis has worsened again. Despite 25 dB molded earplugs, the place was roaring with refrigerator hum, incessant and annoying music. I walked by the butcher section - a guy was chopping something making big swings with a knife. The peak level was above 100 dB at a great distance (15 meters?). Nuts.

I stopped "overprotecting" a long time ago, I don't use hearing protection at home, only in car or inside business like coffee shop or gas station (hardly go anywhere else). It's just hyperacusis doing its thing.

On a positive note, knock on wood, my "fleeting" noxacusis seems to have receded completely, I don't think I have felt it in a month. It was a burning, sometimes mildly stabbing sensation.

I am hanging on, working, which keeps me distracted, but I feel like I am buying time. Every extra day, week, month is worth it, of course, but the sad realization is my old life is GONE forever. And this new ilfe is a life of constant suffering. Only if I knew.

Thank you to everyone here for continued support. And Happy Holidays... as much happy as they can be.

P.S. Not even an hour after I wrote the above about noxacusis, I feel a little bit of sting in my right ear! First time in a month, really. WTF!? It is a crazy brain condition. Like if I reminded it about this thing, and I have not thought about noxacusis in several weeks. Generally I indeed I tried to not think about, as I truly feared it.

Can I not think about loudness hyperacusis and tinnitus as well to re-train the stupid brain??!

Truly insane!

 

Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you, sir! I've read a lot of your posts since I found Tinnitus Talk, less than 6 months ago. I know you've been thru the ringer this year. Hopefully 2024 will be a better year for you. Hang in there, and keep a shred of hope alive. Peace and healing to you.

 

Same, thank you. I somehow missed your into post, I posted a few words there. I hope you are doing better by now!

 

@gameover, I’m checking in here after a few weeks of absence. I see that you’re hanging on but still struggling. I’ve been doing well, overall. I’ve been meaning to write a partial success story, but then I get hit by one of these spikes (for no reason) that throws me into dark thoughts again. But at least, these days, I am able to convince myself that I’ll be better in a day or two.

Do you have a theory why some days are louder than others? Those spikes drive me nuts.

 

Hey @Buddy123, it's good to hear from you. I am really glad you've been doing well.

Yeah, I am still struggling. I had some better days, but just as many if not more bad days, sadly. No idea what drives these spikes. Certainly weather and other ailments, like cold and headache worsen it for me, but otherwise no rhyme or reason. I had like almost a week of decent time over Thanksgiving, just randomly a day started fairly quiet after a few days of raging tinnitus.

Is a spike a delayed reaction to some noise exposure (like a rare trip to an indoor restaurant 2 weeks ago)? Possibly. I don't see a link to food. I eat fairly normal/healthy, albeit use less salt. I drink coffee almost daily. I stopped drinking alcohol altogether. Never drank a lot, 1-2 drinks a week at most. My sleep is wacky again, I keep shifting back to night owl mode. But I get a decent amount of sleep most of nights (or days...). So not a big factor for me.

What is consistent for me is the nightmare starts after waking up. Often to the point I don't want to wake up, can't get myself out of the bed. I eventually will, but sometimes it takes hours. When I have some obligation, like work, I get out sooner and feel better sooner. I am still dealing with depression, clearly. And so I keep waiting for it to become consistently quieter, which is sort of futile. It seems forcing oneself to do things is the best way. Just so very hard.

This shit is a nightmare and follows its own rules. Nobody knows which.

 

Trigger Warning: Don't read this unless you want to feel worse.

Happy Fucking New Year. Another year of nightmare, likely. I remember distinctly being sick on New Year's Eve in 2022. After a small glass champagne I retreated to my bedroom as I felt pretty awful with headache and sinus infection/congestion. A week later I was still slowly recovering from this, but felt better enough I decided to work on the damn car. And then I got the idea of doing something that wasn't even urgent or necessary. And subjected myself to noise trauma. Combined with the infection, I fucked up my ears. And, unbeknownst to me signed up my death sentence, flushing my life and the life of my dearest wife and children down the toilet.

Reality is, I fucked up my brain. This is a serious brain disorder. Nope, I am not better year later. On average the tinnitus is worse - still severe. When I wake up I want to claw out my brain from the skull. Hyperacusis (moderate) is stuck in fairly bad range. Noxacusis (thankfully very mild) seemed to be gone, but it's sneaking back here and there.

No amount of positive thinking can fix it. Not tinnitus. Yes, I buy the idea of central sensitization being a partial culprit and that the brain can be in some cases rewired, and help noxacusis and loudness hyperacusis. I started listening to classical music and I am trying to elicit positive emotions, but it's hard. I need to avoid other noises. When I hear leafblowers, diesel pickups, and Harleys, I literally erupt in rage. If I could I would maim and kill people making these noises. Insanity? One could say so. It is in the brain.

It is very, very hard to muster courage to end one's life. Even with the hope waning. This really bugs me. It suggests it needs to get a lot worse before the courage will be found. How much more misery will I cause in the process of this?

How little it takes to fuck up a good life. I never understood people ending their lives because of job/relationship/financial reasons. Now I understand them even less. I would easily trade my condition for any of that. Actually I despise such people. Bunch of weak assholes. No amount of financial or emotional distress could compare to the torment caused by a fucked up brain, I am sorry. I can understand people suffering from chronic pain, fibromyalgia or such. Yes, that's comparable for sure.

So what's left? Dr. Shore's device or some miracle of brain unfucking itself eventually. People report that happening even 2 to 4 years after noise trauma. Must be very rare but it happens.

It's a waiting game. Unless it gets so bad I won't be able to take it anymore.

 

Since this thread is the diary of my horror, here's an update.

It's bad. Slow but consistent worsening without slightest reason. Zero acoustic traumas or extended exposures. Same, quiet life - work from home, some video conferences, walks outside, short car drives, occasional movie at home. No overprotecting, I don't really use earplugs even for short car drives.

A few days ago I took a shower and my tinnitus seemed to mask the shower! Like I heard more of my tinnitus than the shower. On good days before, the shower would pretty much mask my tinnitus (the only sound that would ever do it), on bad days my tinnitus was detectable but not dominating. It's worse now.

I tried sound enrichment with quiet classical music. It seemed nice for some time, but not really, still kicking up tinnitus, and who knows maybe responsible for my overall worsening.

Quiet nights are gone. It is loud or very loud consistently. Like before, it is the worst after waking up. I seem to be waking up in headache-like condition. It's not quite normal headache, a different feeling I never had before. It is something induced by tinnitus. It has been creeping up slowly.

"Habituation" occasionally kicks in. I can go, like today, for one hour in an absorbing meeting where I had to both intensely listen and talk. I don't think I noticed my tinnitus during the time. The moment the event ended, my tinnitus seemed to jump back at me with an increased intensity, as if it was angry I managed to push it back off the mind for some time.

Something similar may happen when I watch a movie, but not quite. But when I write, or read, or heck, even play chess, these tasks are never intense enough to remove the tinnitus from my perception. It basically stays as loud. You could say I am learning to "tolerate it", but not really. It wears me down day by day, slowly. I am not anxious. I do have somewhat regular burst of grief and sadness, when I mourn and cry over the life I lost. I can't say I am depressed, like I was in the beginning. Not really, I am resigned to go for a little bit longer, I just keep asking myself for how long.

The "2 year deadline" seems far, not sure if I will make it. I am trying. I guess I still would like to give myself the chance of "improvement" (whatever it means) or trying Dr. Shore's device. The wait and lack of information from Auricle is crushing.

The trend is bad. I'd really, really like to be able to say I tried everything I could. But I might not be able to. I am so sad, but I did love life so much. I thought I knew I had it wonderful. In reality I had no idea how wonderful it was. But if the torture keeps getting worse and worse, I will simply be left with no choice but to end it.

This is not depression. This is a calculation, an anticipation. One can only take so much.

 

I pray you either get improvement or a viable treatment option soon. For Dr. Shore's device, the target for FDA submission still seems to be Q1 so hopefully we hear news soon. If they submit the last day of March, we may get an approval before the end of June. The next hurdle is getting into a clinic that offers the device.

 

Sucks that you have become worse without any obvious trauma. Life is just a sideshow when the symptoms become unbearable. It's good that you can still focus your mind on work/conversations. I understand how helpless it can all become. Unfortunately, all sounds similar to my experience.

The only way I have found comfort is to recognize that I don't control the tinnitus, but I can control my reaction to it. Acceptance is still the way I have found the strength to continue. That and my family cheering me on.

 

I admire your strength. I am trying to accept this shit, but I am very tired. It is the hope of improvement (however foolish) that keeps me going. Not acceptance.

I have ups and downs. I actually got a few quiet nights again, so what I wrote above about them being gone was not accurate. Still my life sucks. There are short decent moments, but I really don't want to live like this for too long.

As I wrote previously, I am giving myself more time. It should be a minimum of 2 years. Perhaps another 1.5-2 years so the youngest kid reaches a certain milestone. What also keeps me going is work. It is hard but so far I have been managing okay. I will see how long that will go. If I lose my job, I think I will lose my strength to keep going. But every week/month of my job improves the financial situation of my family. We spend absolute minimum. I don't buy any shit anymore, I don't travel, don't do anything. My only indulgence and expense is an almost daily latte at a nearby coffee shop, which also gives me a reason to leave house.

So either this improves some, or somehow I get used to it more, or something is going to give. I don't have that capacity in me to be supportive to my wife or kids anymore. I am not fun to be around anymore because of hyperacusis. As I wrote previously, the few friends I had fucking ran away, they can't stand me, maybe they are terrified. I am also annoying because my intolerance for sounds. I have a hard time carrying on a longer conversation with my wife, because I prefer to distract myself with work, chess, or whatever else.

I am just a ghost, a house resident that hides in the bedroom and does minimum household things, like taking care of some small shit with cars my wife would not be able to. I can't operate snow blower, can't cut the lawn, etc. There is no joy of life left in me. And no, it's not fucking depression. It is just huge sadness of losing something I did not even know can be lost. I am tortured almost every minute of my waking time.

I am trying to think what else to try. Before I off myself I should try some things. I was pretty determined to go for stem cells in Thailand, but that's 99.9% scam, so pretty stupid to blow like ~$35-40k on it. I keep hoping for Dr. Shore's device. What else is there to try? Benzos like Klonopin? Evidently it often helps lower tinnitus. It is likely a death sentence and invitation for a catastrophic tinnitus. That probably should be my last resort. Some people apparently can tolerate it for years.

 

My heart bleeds for you @gameover and I can relate to so much of what you have said. Weekend use of benzos has been a lifesaver for me, it’s like a return to the old me each weekend (well the old me with a touch of PTSD from this worsening...). I know there’s been some horror stories on Tinnitus Talk about them but they’ve allowed me some normality and a break from it all. Each to their own. It’s using them daily that causes the bigger issues from what I’ve read.

Trust me, I’ve tried everything in terms of supplements, is there anything I could genuinely write here that I think might help minutely? Probably not, maybe L-Tryptophan, I felt that actually gave me better sleep.

I’ve been trying to persevere with mindfulness meditation as I figured what have I got to lose in doing so, not normally my cup of tea but there is science behind it.

 

You have to be disciplined with those benzos. I have 0.5 mg Ativan (Lorazepam), which is equal to 0.25 mg Klonopin (Clonazepam) but with a much shorter half life. I've managed to hold myself off to one dose every third day on average, but that's for anxiety, as I don't think it helps tinnitus. With Clonazepam, I think I would try to hold off even longer between doses since it stays in your system longer. It can be very tempting to take it more often when you're under a lot of anxiety.

Some people get some tinnitus relief and/or anxiety relief from Gabapentin. It has its risks also.

 

@gameover, what I'm about to tell you is much easier said than done, I know, but it's true and it's the best advice given to me since onset. You have to make a sheer determination to not let the tinnitus bother you. Only when you can accomplish this feat, then tinnitus will slowly release its stronghold on you (and only then). Your tinnitus will slowly fade into the background and you will get your life back. Don't stop doing the things that you love to do. Just wear some musician earplugs and go at it. You will start winning this battle. Don't let tinnitus win.

The reality is that your tinnitus is likely not going away. There is no cure and probably will not be in our lifetime. Accept this and move on. Don't look back. We can't turn back the clock. We can't change the past but we can move on and design our future. I always believe that "if there's a will, there is a way".

Don't listen for it and focus on it. Don't let the loudness of your tinnitus dictate whether you are going to have a good or bad day. Take advantage of each day and make it as good as you can. Just try this for one day and see.

Take care my friend.

 

This hits close to home, only I'm single at 31 and figure there will be no milestones of a wife or children because of tinnitus and hyperacusis (in my right ear... one fucking ear only). I am so, so tired.

I will say that I struggled with depression and insane amounts of stress, fatigue, and health anxiety in 2020-2022 due to work, and trying to keep up socially and dating in a pandemic USA. I had entire days and stretches of days where I didn't speak as a single person in COVID-19 isolation. This was all prior to the onset of my tinnitus and hyperacusis from a drunken night out at a club in early 2023. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Something finally snapped and told me to sit the fuck down and start listening to my body. Only I've been doing that a little too much with the hyperacusis. I'm so in my own head because of this beast. Working quietly from home, the hyperacusis isn't too much of a bother. But I'm mortified to return to office next week. I hope I have what it takes.

I will say these hearing aids are wild in a good way. They are blocking out all the exhausting high frequencies that melted my face, wore me down, and made my middle ear muscles tighten up for the last 11 months. I alternate between the hearing aid being on (albeit at a low max power output) and a low pink noise generator to mask tinnitus and just sort of ground me. I take Magnesium glycinate day and night to try to stay still and relaxed at a muscular level.

Last up is to go fully in on an antidepressant again. Ototoxicity be damned, my mental health issues were untreated and slowly worsening prior to the tinnitus and hyperacusis, and now they're catastrophically bad. What do I have to lose? Could the tinnitus or hyperacusis possibly get worse? Maybe. But I struggle to envision how it could possibly get worse.

Stay up my man. I feel you. I know how exhausting this is and can't even imagine keeping up with a wife and kids. You are achieving something quite impressive each and every day you find the strength to keep going. I've thought about ending it all too, I only have a job with Amazon HQ providing me any sort of purpose or distraction. But god do I hate it, and maybe it's to blame. But each day I go on is hopefully for the benefit of my brother and sister who are my beneficiaries when the day comes that I fold.

 

When my ultra high-pitched tinnitus first hit, it was so devastating that I had to depend on benzo like Ativan and an antidepressant like Prozac plus sleeping pills to survive each day. Being a prior victim of PTSD (from witnessing the tragic accidental death of my only son at 5 years old), and having been a victim of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to tinnitus, my much weakened nerves just caved into panic attacks on auto mode every time the darn loud ringing woke me up. I had to grab the Ativan right away to prevent the panic attack from getting worse. Hyperacusis made this nightmarish existence even worse and hopeless. For the first year, I was basically propped up by medications and the love of my family. Suicidal thoughts occupied my tired brain so much that I looked up YouTube for videos and stories of those who came back from near-death experiences of attempting suicide. Their stories convince me it is much better to fight this tinnitus bully while alive and on my feet. I couldn't bend anymore. I decided to fight it, even if it meant by medications. So I asked members on that forum how long they had depended on medications, particularly on benzos, which are known to be addictive. I was surprised that some had used benzos for years. One lady called @Tinker Bell, who lived in the same city, told me she had used Klonopin for 12 years at the time. She said she had to use it to survive alone, as her husband dumped her after she got her intrusive tinnitus. Poor lady.

I have to say her story calmed me down much; knowing worst comes to worst, I would just continue to exist on drugs for as long as I could. My plan was at least 5 years. But thankfully, by the 3rd year, my condition and my nerves stabilized to the point I seldom needed to use drugs. My nerves have somehow miraculously become hardened to the ringing and hyperacusis faded after the first year. I also tried my best to live my new normal as normally as possible, working, fishing, gardening, eating out, traveling, cruising, and even dancing with my dear wife (with earplugs if needed initially). Before, my brain could only focus on the darn ringing, but then slowly, it seemed to be able to focus on other things when distracted enough. It took 3 years before I finally wrote my success story "From Darkness to Light...". I share some helpful strategies which I learned from others and some of my own experiences.

So @gameover, please hang on and don't give up hope. After a few years, your perception of tinnitus may improve to the point you won't give a darn about it and kick the butt of this bully. Try to live life and regain your life force, even bit by bit, and hopefully, you will be the winner over the bully who is making us bow and kneel to its tyranny initially. It may take time. Even some tinnitus guru tell others they take years to get better. So don't give up, brother. Better days are ahead. God bless.

 

@Buddy123, I know you mean well.

I read some of your previous postings. Does someone like you with a stable "not very loud" monotonal tinnitus really have a place to tell a severe sufferer to just accept and ignore it; that somehow it'll just disappear into the background?

I'm glad you've habituated and I hope you never worsen.

BUT...

Aren't a you a bit OUT of your depth on this thread, saying the things you did?

 

I always love reading your posts @billie48. You’re a beacon of light in a sea of despair. Thank you as they’ve offered me comfort the last few months and hope to read more.

 

@Buddy123 does mean well. Yes, while I find it difficult to follow the advice, he is not all wrong, I think. Part of the solution is forcing tinnitus into the background. He was absolutely right, advising me to return to work. Thankfully, I've been working remotely, and it has been my lifeline. I am nowhere near normal; of course, I suffer greatly virtually every day, but overall, I am in a better place than I was while on leave. So there is that. @Buddy123 is also right in saying we cannot look back. I still keep doing it I admit, even though it is pointless...

My tinnitus is severe but fluctuates wildly, generally following the pattern of severe (sometimes catastrophic) loudness in the morning and moderate and sometimes even mild (again) times later in the day/night. The hyperacusis has stabilized at a moderate level. Certain sounds continue to be excruciating (diesel trucks), but most "normal" life sounds are tolerable; in particular, speech is ok - which is the key for me to be able to work. It sucks, but I can manage it mostly due to the consideration I get from my family.

I just cannot get used to the tinnitus' variability. Every time I hit with the severe level, I am just knocked out and all I can do is to hide, cry and sleep (it is not a good sleep). There is no ignoring it indeed. Forcing myself to take a shower takes a herculean effort at those times. But eventually, these levels recede... in hours, sometimes a day, at worst a few days, maybe a week. In the end, I suppose I need to admit I am already lucky compared to many because I do get some relief from the hell.

 

@gameover, so you can work normally now? Do you go to office or work from home?

 

Quick update.

I was doing relatively better. Blasting tinnitus after waking up, but it would go down within an hour or less. Stable hyperacusis. Relatively regular sleep. Work, not much stress, etc.

Warning. I had a stupid of trying a TENS device as DIY Shore device... I attached two electrodes to the neck as in the well-known picture from the article about the device. Minimum zapping (about 3), below threshold of detection for 20 minutes, while listening to some tones around 6 kHz, pure and notched - very quiet. I did nothing that day. I felt slightly worse next day, got really sick (incl. vomiting) the following day. Not clear if TENS did it, or a coincidence. It has been five days since my experiment and both my tinnitus and hyperacusis are elevated.

Don't do this, as usual I got tempted to do something stupid. I guess I insist on forgetting that the only way is TPP (time, patience, protection).

If the real device sees the light of the day, I will try it (if I make it that far), but in meantime there really there isn't anything to do.

 

Is this still the case, 24 hours after, six days total?

 

@gameover, I read your first post, and I burst into tears. I can relate 100% to what you're dealing with.

I'm certain that you would, like me, if you had the option to pick between two doors, with the first door being the option to receive $10M dollars and go on with your current life, or the second door paying $10M dollars and go back in time as a teenager, you would choose the latter.

 

I've read some mixed results on the use of TENS devices for the treatment of tinnitus. There's an old thread on Tinnitus Talk about TENS. Hopefully your tinnitus will return to normal after some more recovery time.

 

Thanks for asking. Today I finally got a meaningful reduction! Interestingly, today I woke up to only slightly elevated tinnitus, not the usual blaring-from-hell. For the most part, the moderate-lowish level has continued through the day. So I continue to ride my rollercoaster. I am sure I did not expose my ears to loud sounds during the experiment (I learnt that lesson), so clearly the electro-stimulation did something. It gives me hope that the actual Shore device will be actually effective for me. My stupid broken fusiform cells evidently respond to such stimuli.

Make it $10 trillion. I mean it. If I had $10 trillion, I would be #1 way above all Musks, Gateses, etc, taken together. I still would prefer to have silence and my hearing back.

 

I'm really hoping that Dr. Shore's device works well for you when it comes out. It's great to hear your tinnitus is doing better today.

 

That's interesting, it's so much money and you could do so much good with that in the world, I would struggle to put my own tinnitus above the possibilities the $10 trillion would grant.

But I get your comparison, basically most severe sufferers would prefer silence over a boatload of money.

 

Well, I did not think about that much, especially given the absurdity and impossibility of such a choice. But I guess I am that selfish. In the end, I care most about well-being, and while money can make life easier, it won't buy happiness. And I know I was happy before. I am convinced my wife would rather have my old self back rather than all the $$$ in the world. Yes, she is that special, I just know it.

 

I once told a therapist that I was seeing at the beginning of my tinnitus that I would prefer to be homeless than have tinnitus. She said it was the saddest thing she had ever heard.

Now that I've had it going on 20 years, with the last 8 years at a catastrophic level, I don't think I would make the same tradeoff today.