Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

Just a quick update.

I am still alive, but there are days where it is hard to be. My tinnitus continues to be variable from moderate to severe/very severe. Pretty consistently severe (and sometimes very severe) upon waking up, then it improves within an hour or two, usually going down to a moderate level, and it oscillates at that level. Silence calms it most effectively; exposure to sounds like car noise spikes it. Engaging in work conversations over video conferencing is pretty effective in pushing it into the background, but otherwise, I stay aware of it at all times. Still nothing masks it, except shower at 90% (I can still detect it there). Another consistent pattern is changing barometric pressure. A few recent days of very windy weather here sent the tinnitus into a very severe/near catastrophic range. But that went away once the wind went away.

For the past maybe a couple of weeks, I noticed an improvement in hyperacusis. Everything is still louder, but some sounds less so. Diesel trucks and even Harleys (that started showing up; spring has begun here) don't sound like machines from hell anymore, just unpleasant/loudish. Overhead planes sound almost normal now. Family walking on our creaky wood floors is less bothersome. Mechanical noises, like loud HVAC, continue to be stupid, loud, and very bothersome. I can't handle restaurants; I don't really try to.

Recently, I also had a recurrence of the mild noxacusis/burning sensation, probably caused by an exposure to a loud door slam, but it seems to be improving/going away.

All in all I am not doing great, but I guess better than where I was previously. Life still sucks and is very limited. My objective is to avoid setbacks and take it easy. I'd rather live a quiet, boring life than get worse. I am still terrified that worsening is inevitable, but I guess we'll see.

There are additional reports of Clomipramine curing loudness hyperacusis and even improving noxacusis. While my biggest complaint is the loud reactive tinnitus, i.e. I want it gone before hyperacusis as I have it now, I am considering taking it. If I could cure hyperacusis it would be a win still, and I would take any wins I can have. I have not decided yet.

 

Gotta take the win with the loudness hyperacusis. Glad you're hanging in there. It's a shit show, and having a front seat is no bueno.

 

Maybe your reactivity will improve as your hyperacusis improves. I hope things get better or at least stabilize for you until we can get some treatments.

 

This sounds like a good report.

Garlic, fish, and Magnesium supplements helped my hyperacusis as well as silence and Valium. Valium I self-prescribed and knew nothing about it at the time. It can be super dangerous and addictive, but my nervous system was so out of control, and I was in so much shock and fear I needed a sledgehammer to knock me out. I have to admit the Valium helped with my hyperacusis and TTTS but is no longer needed, thankfully.

Don't worry about a "boring" life. What is important is that you keep healing, coping, and reinventing yourself. Your family needs you, and you need yourself.

@gameover, keep up the fight and stay positive.

P.S. I gave up on masking ages ago. I find if I am engaged or focused on something, my constant tinnitus is pushed to the side and forgotten about for those moments, and then my awareness returns.

It's a mental job, but the brain is plastic, and we can slowly respond to our tinnitus without fear and panic. I am not by any means saying I am there, and I have PTSD and could be totally fucked at any moment, but I remain hopeful and am in a much better place than I was when I was first struck down.

I will never have silence again, but I will try to pursue stillness or calmness when I can.

Exercise if you are able.

Bless you, my brother, and hang in there.

 

Rooting for you, @gameover.

 

I totally understand the anger part of this story. I hate it when people are so reckless and loud!

Some guys have a bike in my complex and they rev the engine loud in the mornings. They won't get tinnitus because they have helmets with earplugs but they can give people hearing damage!

 

This was indeed almost a good report... I am much worse now.

I wrote it 5 days after the door slam incident I noted in the post - I got so angry and frustrated that I slammed a door. It was an interior and lightweight door, but loud enough. There was no impact on my tinnitus or hyperacusis, but my fleeting noxacusis started showing up daily - and still does. And pretty much since last Friday when I wrote my previous post, the tinnitus has been consistently very severe, with only brief periods of respite. It is different, more head filling, more intense.

I am afraid this was another self-inflicted acoustic trauma that led to permanent worsening. This is no longer a livable level, my friends. I am truly, truly scared now. My sleep is again affected. For many months, I slept pretty well, and I think sleep helped to reset or maintain the level of tinnitus, even if it was usually bad right after waking up. If it does not improve, I don't think I can make it much longer. Thank you for all your support.

 

You're going to make it. You got this. The first two years can be suicidal. Just hang tight.

The door didn't screw you. Put those thoughts aside.

Go to a sauna, have a steam bath, or get a head massage from a practitioner or your wife. Have them massage your temples and around your ears. Magnesium, garlic, fish, and exercise.

Sweat.

Take benzos, if necessary, for sleep and relaxation.

We are all rooting for you. Sending you hugs, support, and prayers for healing. One day at a time, calm the nervous system down.

Peace.

 

I've been there and done that as far as self-caused acoustic trauma; usually, something stupid that I've done sparks it.

About two months ago I had a leak under the kitchen sink. While removing the three bins that contain the various cleaning supplies from under the sink and setting them on the top of the clothes washer to investigate the leak, the last bin fell from the washer and crashed to the floor, making a loud cacophony as the cleaning stuff scattered across the floor in the small laundry room space. I yelled a stream of expletives in frustration and anger out of the blue. Welcome back to Spike City for several weeks until it settled down to my normal catastrophic level.

Since this spike subsided, I've started walking in my neighborhood in the wee hours of the morning (nice & quiet), usually around 3 to 4 am, and after <5 hours of sleep, rather than getting up and moving to the front room to scroll the internet, and after about two months, I've slowly achieved my goal of one hour at a brisk walking pace. My sleep has improved, and my overall attitude has improved. Yeah me.

Unfortunately, I tripped on an asphalt edge and face-planted into the street six days ago and went to the ER due to the serious cut under my left eye; it felt like Mike Tyson punched me well, and I needed three sutures, a blood test, and CT scan to check for broken bones.

Lucky me, no broken bones, but after reviewing my bloodwork online while waiting for the official ok from the radiologist, I saw that my GFR level was now at 44, meaning my chronic kidney disease from my resistive high blood pressure is quickly killing my kidneys and was now squarely towards the low end of stage 3. It was at 54 when I had my yearly physical performed on January 3rd. A massive drop in less than three months!

Initially, I was quite shocked, but upon reflection, I realized that if this steep decline continues at this rate, I'll need dialysis by the end of the year. Normally, it takes ten years to go from stage 3 to 4, but I'll do it in 9 months. A bit scary but also a bit of relief that my natural end is fast approaching.

I've said that I will reject dialysis as it's known to increase tinnitus; it only prolongs your suffering while waiting to die, as I saw the horrible effects that my father-in-law had due to three years of dialysis until his death this past December. His final two weeks consisted of in-home hospice care while unconscious, mostly performed by a family with 3x weekly nurse visits. 24/7 family care was mainly to change his diaper filled with shit and piss, along with increasing doses of Dilaudid until he stopped breathing. This will be my end as well. Hopefully, the family will help my wife and son with my around-the-clock care as they did with their father/grandfather, but I won't know as I'll be out of it, slowly sinking away.

I have a regularly scheduled appointment with my cardiologist today, and I'll ask if there is anything that can be done to arrest this fast decline, as I still like living. I'm still waiting for Stanford to set up an appointment for me with their main nephrologist—it's been going on three months since my referral—but it's standard to wait to see the top doctor. Hopefully, I'll get in to my first appointment in time, but time will tell.

Now it's time for my wee morning walk as it's fast approaching 5 am. My son bought me an awesome headlamp that works great and helps the random cars that pass by to see me. I think that it might be better to be killed by a car, but I wouldn't want my death to overshadow some stranger's life.

I apologize for hijacking your thread @gameover, but this shit just spilled out of me, and I believe it was better to post here, as I have lamented my life with tinnitus in this thread in greater detail than elsewhere in Tinnitus Talk.

 

I'm sorry to hear about this setback since your previous post. I feel like I'm in one also with multiple issues, over 2 years since my tinnitus worsened. Tinnitus has only gotten worse; anxiety is as high as ever.

Maybe the Clomipramine you mentioned would make it easier to deal with, along with some possible help with the hyperacusis and noxacusis components. Of course, antidepressants normally take weeks to kick in, and I haven't had any luck with them to this point (not currently taking), so it's just intermittent Lorazepam (Ativan) use for now for anxiety and Zolpidem (Ambien) most nights overnight to help sleep.

 

Thank you for your support. It is impossible to relax when it is raging—absolutely impossible. All I can do is try to be in silence in my bed. But I am trying to ride it out. Today, I think, was one of the worst days to date with tinnitus. Between the intensity, inability to sleep well, and headache, it was just horror. Completely unlivable. But it receded somewhat finally after a shower, a meal, and being up for a bit.

No worries, thank you for sharing. We may strongly disagree in the political section, but I respect you as a person and admire your strength in suffering through this. I really do. I can't see myself following your path. I wish I could. I am in my late 40s, healthy like a horse; otherwise, there is nothing on the horizon to take me out and put a stop to this suffering.

I'm sorry to hear this @RunningMan; you are one of the people who lived with it mildly and now it is severe, and you know full well the difference.

Re: Clomipramine - I just read a fresh report from a person on another support group who developed severe visual snow syndrome after just two low doses of Clomipramine (25 mg). I had read about this risk before. It is probably rare. But to me, losing my vision - and I only have one good eye anyway - would be an instant death sentence. I suppose I may as well take the risk, given I am inching closer and closer to what was once unthinkable. Either it helps me to extend my stay here or pushes me over the edge and ends this adventure called life.

 

At a point, you have nothing to lose. I took a Gabapentin last night because "fuck it," I deserved a break. The same goes for those taking Clonazepam or Ativan to give themselves the occasional respite. Why torture yourself on a night when you're not sleeping? Everything else falls apart for me when I'm not sleeping.

Clomipramine is most clinically studied for OCD - which I found so interesting when looking into it for hyperacusis. Pre-tinnitus and in the early COVID-19 days, I developed intense health anxiety and physical manifestations of anxiety. It's almost like I was on a crash course with tinnitus - scanning my body for every ache and pain, obsessing over anything that "felt off." Some days, I almost trick myself into believing I've always had tinnitus; I've just lost my "filter," and my hyperfocus on this underlying neural activity (that may or may not have always been there) is what's the problem. But I can't turn off its reactiveness; I can't focus on it when I enter that vicious cycle. At least not yet.

Many years ago, I took Lexapro for underlying clinical anxiety (that is still with me today, no doubt), and it did something to flip a switch something like an hour after taking a 20 mg pill. All of a sudden, I stopped giving a shit about a lot of things. The 'mental chatter,' so to speak, would subside for a bit. I'm about ready to try that again to see if it allows me to sit with the tinnitus a bit, almost its own form of 'mental chatter.' I don't want it to worsen the tinnitus, and that's what holds me back, but at a point, the greatest risk is not taking one.

Wishing you well, dude. I'm sorry it was a rough week for you. TGIF.

 

As someone who gained health anxiety after tinnitus onset, this is the mindset you have to have. Tinnitus basically puts you in a constant state of anxiety/inability to relax -- and it's so hard to let go of the "if it gets worse, I don't know if I can live with it..."

I think the best advice I got was, "yeah, possibly, but are you really living now?" I think that helped key up a bit of much-needed sanity check that the constant health OCD/symptom checking and researching over worsening was simply not productive; if anything, it made things worse. Easier said than done, but I think it's the right call to push forward with.

 

How much is this a "mind" game? Today started terrible and ended decent. I woke up to a terrible head screeching tinnitus. I cried, and decided this is not life, I am not getting up. I had a small breakfast later. But I could not get going. Later I took a shower. It was horrid. My tinnitus wasn't masked at all; 30-40% maybe.

I ate lunch. I still could not get going. I went back to bed. Late afternoon my wife brought me a latte from Starbucks. It tasted good. Finally, I mustered all my energy to get out and go for a walk. It felt pretty good, a nice day. We came back... not sure what I did, maybe some reading.

Then we watched Matrix. I love this movie, one of the most amazing pieces of cinematography and storytelling made. I had it on very low volume. But there is lots of shooting and explosions, like many of you probably know. My tinnitus was quiet during most of the movie, with what felt like decent stretches of almost silence. I just heard the movie, and did not hear a lot of tinnitus even while looking for it.

Riddle me this, my friends. Pushing thru is certainly not good. But somehow getting the brain occupied and away from the tinnitus could be the key. There gotta be something to sound therapy, but it must be something enjoyable, calming. Living by a brook, or by the ocean, or in a jungle, would probably have a hugely therapeutic effect. My best week last year was these 10 days in a jungle on a Caribbean island.

It feels like there is a way out of it. Maybe not to full normal life, but to life. How can we find it? Am I fooling myself?

P.S. I chose Matrix randomly, unaware today was its 25th anniversary. Quite a coincidence. I can't believe 25 years have passed. I remember quite well when it came out. Tinnitus feels like Matrix, too.

 

There's a "babbling brook" sound on my Amazon Echo that helps on my worst days. Maybe try that if those sounds help you.

 

Spot on! Tinnitus is less bothersome when we are immersed in something. It's about having thoughts other than tinnitus on your mind and not letting tinnitus define you or be all that's on your mind all day, as hard as that is to put into practice.

Sound therapy is calming, and we need to find a way to allow tinnitus (another sound) to be just that, just another sound we hear.

 

Expect your worst-case tinnitus scenario will happen and then when it happens, you can stay in bed and suffer, or you can choose to say "fuck it" and get on with your day.

Tinnitus will always swing and I accept it will happen. Nothing you can do will change tinnitus, but you have control over how you react to it.

Pain and suffering are part of the human condition, yet the degree to which one suffers remains within one's control.

 

I miss those days when I had mild tinnitus for 20+ years, could control how I reacted to it, and not suffer. Once tinnitus suddenly gets severe, the sympathetic nervous system kicks in all the time and reacts on its own regardless of what I'm thinking about or trying to concentrate on. After two years of severe tinnitus, the only temporary fixes are benzos or about an hour of cardio exercise. Antidepressants didn't even help - they just hurt.

 

I have tried many. The issue is the right combination of sound, speaker, distance, etc. It is tough with reactive tinnitus and hyperacusis; it is critical to not overdo it.

For sure, there is the inhibitory part that kicks in certain conditions; like for me, it has mostly been conversations at work, and also sex. I can tolerate tinnitus at a certain level only. But there are apparently ways where it goes down, at least for me.

I still cannot see myself tolerating loud tinnitus. But I have renewed hope it can go down to a tolerable level where I can ignore it.

I remain shocked I can have both one of the worst levels and a very tolerable level all during the same day, hence my yesterday's update.

 

What if you have hyperacusis and noxacusis as well? I can't do sound therapy, and it's hard not to think of my ears when every sound is really loud, and my ears hurt constantly.

 

Keep going, @gameover. I see us as the class of 2023. Granted, I’d had tinnitus for 20 years, but it was 2023 when it all became horrific. It’s the class nobody wants to be part of, and my word, I’m struggling myself right now with a similar cluster of symptoms, but I want us to be able to talk about these terrible times with positivity in place, whether that’s through remission, habituation or the Dr. Shore device.

 

I wish I had the answer for you, brother; I really do.

I had two bouts of hyperacusis in the last 18 months; it was when I was at my most anxious; it seemed like my brain turned up my sensitivity to sounds; I was legit jumping at noises.

When I got on top of the anxiety, it got better. I’m in no way suggesting you’re anxious, but in my case, helping the anxiety helped hyperacusis.

100% the variance is the biggest hurdle with tinnitus. I feel like low-frequency sounds must agitate the nerves somehow. Mine used to spike bad after driving.

 

That's scary for you I bet, but also interesting you can experience such good days and such awful days.

Many of us are stuck in the awful days!

 

Please stop recommending benzos. Everyone on Tinnitus Talk who has suggested benzos has blood on their hands. Most people who died because of tinnitus got pushed on benzos.

Why suggest shit that makes tinnitus worse? People push poison too much.

 

It gets tiring reading your crap all over. I'm usually nice to all kinds of people, but you are just a dimwit who has no concept of how drugs work. Your fearmongering is more harmful than taking benzos short-term to survive and for some temporary relief.

I blocked you now, there is nothing of value in your endless tirades.

 

Yeah, it's a good one, and I haven't seen it in 10 years or more probably. Another coincidence, since your post, I read there is going to be a 5th Matrix movie.

It's bizarre. Some people say their psychiatrist or doctor won't even prescribe benzos. Yet, my doctor is complaining that I'm not taking them more often - 3 per day as needed for anxiety. He says lots of people have done this for years. I've been taking one 0.5 mg Lorazepam every 3 to 4 days for short-term relief over the last 6 months, so I'm just suffering most of the time. And then, he won't even prescribe Gabapentin for anxiety or sleep.

 

Stop saying people have blood on their hands. For a start, most on here are adults and make their own decisions, including you. Medications can be helpful to a lot of people and also might make others worse. The massive problem is you won't know till you have tried them. There is no one-size-fits-all with this.

I was OK with the hyperacusis. Of course I wanted it to go, but I could still do things.

It's the noxacusis that is terrifying me. You read about people who have it so bad they can't live even in silence. It scares the crap out of me.

 

I don’t want to jump all over this, but @Travis Henry, you are not being helpful at all. I’d have lost my job without the judicious use of benzos last year. Clearly, people need to educate themselves on their use, but referring to them as rat poison, etc, isn’t helpful to scared and confused newcomers to the board. I tried a short stint on antidepressants, and the side effects were horrific, unlike benzos, which have had zero side effects other than lowering my tinnitus on the days I take them!

 

Chill, brother.

My hands are clean.

I always promote massage, steam baths, exercise, fish, garlic, and love.

You went deep into the benzos forest, and coming out will take you ages. This is true for any addict with any substance they abused.

Read my posts of support on this thread or the Suicidal thread, many of them to you, and tell me if you still reckon I have blood on my hands?

Take care, @Travis Henry.

Daniel

 

Sorry to anyone and everyone. I wish none of us had any damage. If I could cure us all, I'd travel to everyone personally to relieve this hell. I am just in a beyond catastrophically bad state due to doctors and family not believing in hyperacusis and telling me to keep exposed to sounds and take medications. I just wish the standard protocol was rest in quiet for anyone who says they have unstable tinnitus. The auditory specialists all need to be updated.

Apologies to everyone. I am sadly one of the statistics soon.