Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

Definitely more time is needed. At 2 months I was in a mess too. I never thought I could recover and I tended to think those who had written their success stories are either superhuman or they had tinnitus less severe than mine. I was always in bed or in a quiet room, having no interest to engage with life. I had to depend on medications just to stop or make less severe the waves of anxiety and panic attacks. These kind of negative, traumatic reactions are quite normal though for many sufferers of intrusive tinnitus. Many have entertained dark thoughts too.

The most common elements of success is just the passage of time. Not that the tinnitus has reduced over time, but that people's perception of tinnitus generally improves over time. This is evident in many success stories. Perhaps this has to do with the brain being more used to the tinnitus, and that the normal parasympathetic nervous system has returned to replace the fight and flight mode of reaction under the limbic system. The Amygdala, being the fight and flight center of the brain, has yielded to the pre-frontal cortex to process the tinnitus stimulus. This change is significant as the pre-frontal cortex has the natural function to extinguish the fear response, making it much less traumatic for the brain to face up to the same tinnitus.

Whenever you read people say that they are no longer bothered by the same tinnitus, there may be an internal switch in their brain from fight and flight mode of the limbic nerves to the more normal parasympathetic nerves system.

This has nothing much to do with courage or patience. It has more to do with the passage of time. Even when I had learned many strategies from others and tried to practice them, they didn't work in the first few months, no matter how good they were. It takes time and getting back to living, and taking on some interesting projects or hobbies before things will slowly improve. At least that is my experience.

 

@billie48, I so much want you to be right.

The tragic part is that all wrong decisions I did are so magnified now. I foolishly passed on buying a house early in the pandemic that would be just a piece of heaven, even if I was injured. Place was completely quiet, surrounded by woods, with no neighbors nearby and far from roads and traffic. Concrete construction so dead quiet inside. We ended up in subpar "temporary house" that is now place of terror for me sound wise.

I regret focusing so much time in my life on collecting things I did not have time to enjoy and now can't enjoy anyway. Expensive cars, audio equipment, huge music collection, photo gear, camping/backpacking gear, bicycles and cycling gear, etc, etc. Way more than we ever needed or had time to use. Yes, there were many nice memories, but there was excess anyway. Now all these things burden me. I always thought, in time, before I go to the other side I will shed the load of material things. The time is now, but it is so difficult to deal with.

I should have spent more time with children, wife. I cherish every single moment I did. A walk, a trip to restaurant. A movie at home. Simple drink. Just a chat. Vacations. It is still there, but somehow I am overwhelmed by the regret and it is no longer the same. The huge, unforgivable mistake I made. If only the punishment was less, I really, really would have righted my life. Now it is not the same.

 

@billie48, and others... re: habituation time. So why does it take so long? The number of months mentioned it takes people to get used to tinnitus is all over the place, but most commonly it seems to be between 3 and 12 months. Some say like 18-24 months!

Why so long? What does need to happen? What is going on in the brain that it takes so long? How gradual this process is? Or do you click one time and get significantly better (if not completely)? Do you really need to reach the bottom, depression wise, to bounce back?

I am trying to fight, but it's more than a struggle. It seems it gets harder and harder. I am on a leave from work. I do minimum things around the house. I try to spend some time with family, like meals, movie, a game. But these are tough. Whenever I see something in a movie that brings back good memories, I have a hard time not crying.

Friends, a couple, visited last night, brought takeout dinner. Wonderful people. Was a nice distraction, even though bunch of time I talked about tinnitus. Believe it or not, he just got tinnitus, within last couple of weeks! Just told me last night. And hyperacusis as well - his wife needs to keep voice down so he is not bothered. Needs to drive with ears plugged. This was without any apparent reason. I told him promptly about my my accident and warned him about ear protection, because he is a DIY-er like I was. How crazy is that? What the hell is going on?

 

Bad shit happens to both good and bad people every day, without rhythm or reason. Some days it's just your turn in the barrel and it's not fun.

I've achieved a measure of acceptance with my tinnitus, hyperacusis and I know that it will continue to change, hopefully for the better. When it gets worse, I still know that it can get better. What truly sucks is that you can't predict what will happen tomorrow and because of this, you can't plan for a better future, but you can still hope.

I have watched my wife suffer throughout most of her life with arthritis and spinal trauma from being hit by a drunk driver when she was 25. She's had more than 30 surgeries to knees and spine, had a 18 month nightmare with trigeminal neuralgia due to a rare tumor inside of her TMJ (that she said made her head feel like it was going to explode) and she now has anal cancer. I'm amazed every day by her positive mental attitude; she rarely complains. She's had way more bad days than good ones during our 36 years of marriage. I think because of her suffering, she understands my suffering, even when others don't see it. We're keeping each other alive by being present.

I don't know how long habituation will take for you, but for me, it was a long time. But please remember that once you have habituated, you must keep your fragile ears in the front of your mind and try to stay vigilant as best as you can.

 

That's crazy. Like this friend who just got tinnitus, he has been dealing with arthritis most of his life. He was out of work for 2 years when he was 30 years old, could not walk. He regained mobility after some meds, but he has been dealing with constant recurring pain since then (he is in early 60s).

Me, being basically 100% healthy for my 45+ years (nothing chronic), I just can't believe how people deal with such circumstances. Man, I had it good, something I knew, and appreciated, and to think I fucked it up myself just feels so bad

@Jammer, and I'm really sorry about your wife's cancer. That's beyond terrible.

 

Thank you for your concern for my wife. After the life she's had, the cancer has not been a major trauma for her; just another hurdle to jump. The cancer treatment sucked (chemo/radiotherapy) and she may still need surgery (stage 3), but she's not had a significant amount of pain. She was more worried about losing her hair, but only has had minor thinning, which surprised her care team. She's just built different.

 

My mental construction makes me a total basket case. I am angry at everything. I just wonder how many things I am going to fuck up before I end it. In that sense ending it sooner would make a lot of sense, but I lack the courage.

I conclude hyperacusis is the worst part. It is much, much worse than tinnitus. The internal noise is annoying, but I think I am getting used to it. The relentless assault of external sounds, like our fucking fridge, or creaking floor, or fucking furnace, the passing cars, planes is the worst.

The only place I feel somewhat good is woods and sounds of nature. I am frantically looking for a way to escape. I need a house in the middle of the woods where I hear no man made sounds. I do not know if this will save me in the long run, probably not, but maybe it will give me a chance to stay alive little longer, and then who knows.

 

Given that hyperacusis is somewhat manageable for the majority of people, you should make this your goal. Lots of people on this forum developed hyperacusis from the onset of their tinnitus. And lots of them months down the line talk of improvements and it being a non-issue. Take some solace in the fact that your biggest issue isn’t your tinnitus but something you can actually have a real improvement from.

I’ve been avoiding sounds myself for the last week and just got absolute skull fucked by a barrage of noise having to go to my ENT appointment.

I know you are in a very dark place right now and me giving you any advice on the matter would be obsolete because I’m there myself and mourning my old life. I know I have to give up everything I enjoy and also now my business. It would be unthinkable for me to go back into construction now.

However, I’ve had fleeting moments the last few days where despair and dread turned into determination. These moments are very brief but with time these will last longer and get stronger. My partner came to me crying the other day because she was very fearful of the route I was going to take, that had a very sobering effect on me.

Going to be a shit road mate and it’s not going to be easy but it can be done. Just look at @billie48. If at first you aren’t doing it for yourself, then do it for your family.

6 months down the line, I’d like to be able tell you and say ‘fuck me, that was hard, but glad we’re here now.’

Head up!

 

I met an unusual (pastoral) therapist. He spent 2.5 hours with me. He put me in a trance. I am skeptical of these things, but it worked. In the sense I sat there, became somewhat "heavy" in the chair, tired. The place was too loud, though. Right next to the highway, I don't think I can go there again. No way could I filter out the highway noise.

I think he correctly identified OCD in me, or that "I was in a hurry". Yes, I have been in a hurry for several years. For no good reason. That's how I damaged myself.

I really do not think there is a hope for me. I really need to hang around a little to help unload some collectible cars and get some of my stuff in order. I don't know if I can last long enough to get the youngest kid out of the house (2 more years of high school). I will try. I really think like I am dead. I am so dead inside. Just still moving around.

Tinnitus fluctuates and spikes though. After 2.5 hours in a loud therapist office, car ride, coffee shop visit and now an hour long movie at home (quiet), the damn thing spiked and is in the forefront. So they both suck, just depends on the level of tinnitus and the external inputs.

I really do not want to live like this. If it wasn't for the family I love, I'd be gone already. I need to hang around a little longer. God, if it exists, better forgive me. Too bad he does not care to help me now. I did not need such a "trial". 1% of that suffering would have set me straight and right wrongs I did in my life. Sure, I wasn't model person or Christian, but no one is. I did not deserve this. But this is a damn random universe and/or careless God. So, yeah, bad things happen to good people, etc. It sucks. I guess we either manage to overcome this shit, or we check out. Highly individual depending on one's ability and situation. Jury is out on me, but it ain't looking good.

 

I am really bad today. It seems my tinnitus spiked after yesterday. I feel every day is getting gradually worse.

I don't think I will be able to pull it.

 

When I voice match my tinnitus like @Jazzer did in his video, it's about 75 dB before I can mask the internal noise. I use NIOSH SLM app on iPhone which seems accurate.

 

If you're spiking easily, then use more ear protection.

Also, don't deliberately expose to noise of 75 dB, that's too loud if you're spiking easily.

You are still at an relatively early stage, things can improve. You need to find ways to adapt to give this more time and be patient without 'trying' things that could make your ears worse.

 

You had a long day yesterday with lots of noise exposure and stress. I’d be more baffled if your tinnitus hadn’t spiked today!

You’re very much at the infancy of your tinnitus and it very much tends to fluctuate an awful lot in the beginning.

Last week I couldn’t mask my tinnitus in the shower, in the car with the windows down on the motorway. The last couple of days I’ve been able to mask it by just gently running the tap in the bathroom. I don’t know if a noise-induced spike shares the same similarities of a first time time noise-induced exposure, but you absolutely should expect these fluctuations.

 

Hyperacusis is the worst partner in crime with tinnitus. But as an above poster commented, hyperacusis tends to fade over time, generally from 6 months to a year. I had it twice. The first time came right after my first tinnitus episode. It scared the heck of me, as I had never heard nor felt such strange phenomenon before. It caused me to want to hide away from human interactions and any noises around me. If the soft voice of my wife could hurt so much, how could I live on around any one? That drove me into relentless anxiety and panic attacks. So I truly empathize with you.

My first episode of hyperacusis did fade within the year after much suffering. I bought $200 worth of various ear protection accessories from the Sonic Shop in Germany. That might be an overkill, lol. But I wanted the best quality earplugs and earmuffs to protect from external sounds. It proved not necessary. My hyperacusis faded within the year it started, as advised by many forum members about this tendency. So with this experience and knowledge, when I got hyperacusis the 2nd time around due to the SSHL of my left ear 2 years ago, I told myself to just ignore the hyperacusis as much as I could and exposed myself to normal ambient sounds around me without using earplugs. I did wear earplugs in louder venues or situations. For example, I didn't wear earplugs when driving in good roads. Once it got bumpy, I put in the earplugs. I just needed to be prudent.

As expected, my 2nd bout of hyperacusis faded within the year too. But this time, I didn't cave in to negative emotional reactions. I accepted that the hyperacusis will be around for a while. I have learned my lesson that too much stress and anxiety over something beyond my control will only create more unnecessary sufferings and may prolong the recovery. Knowing hyperacusis will fade is a big relief the 2nd time around.

Also, setbacks are very, very common for newer tinnitus, because the acoustic trauma makes the ears quite unstable. Give it some time to settle down. Mask it if it bothers you. This is a new normal for you. Many newer tinnitus sufferers will take time to accept and adjust.

Hope you will hang tough there @gameover. Looking past the current difficulty and having a bright hope that your hyperacusis will be gone will help you soldier on. Take good care.

 

75 dB is as loud as a vacuum cleaner. I recommend that you stop testing your tinnitus levels because you may be potentially adding more hearing damage to your already compromised ears. Also, knowing this info isn't helpful to you or to your stress levels.

 

Thanks for that. My dad developed severe tinnitus from WW2, but he had a real good reason for incurring dire consequences from stopping Hitler. So when I got it from being around a tile saw a few weeks before, I thought “what a waste!” Truth is, I knew my dad’s took years to develop, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. But the guys with the saw didn’t use any hearing protection, so I didn’t think anything of it. I just have to do the best I can now.

 

This may have been misguided as I was measuring the level near my mouth. So it could not be 75 dB at my ears. It certainly wasn't vacuum cleaner loud.

 

I also met with Dr. Hubbard today (2nd time). His message really boils down to:

1. The most important thing is to accept and stop fearing tinnitus, quote "it's just a fucking noise".

2. If you are too depressed/anxious, take meds, like Zoloft. In his experience nobody got worsening tinnitus from those, and many regretted not taking antidepressants sooner.

3. He admits reactive tinnitus makes things more difficult, but claims it's still doable. One needs to ignore spikes and variations in loudness.

4. He does not believe just "passage of time" is enough. One needs to do (1) and engage in life...

Eh, easier said than done...

 

It's just a noise, it's just a noise, it's just a noise, it's just a noise, it's just a noise, it's... just... a... fucking... NOISE!

 

Easier said than done.

1. It is easy for someone who has never had severe tinnitus 24/7 to say that it is just a fucking noise. It is not, it is torture.

2. Most people's tinnitus worsens by taking antidepressants.

3. I can not ignore spikes as they are hell. Again easier said than done.

4. I wish I could engage in life with my reactive tinnitus without the risk of a worsening.

 

When Dr. Hubbard said point 4, did he elaborate on that? Did he give examples of what activities should be done to "engage in life"?

With point 3, ignoring reactivity variations, did he mention ear protection?

I guess his message is:

"Ignore your tinnitus, take Zoloft if that becomes a problem."

 

Oh, like anything. "Go to a restaurant in earplugs, next go to a restaurant without earplugs, drive a car in earplugs, next drive a car without earplugs."

And pretty much, yes, that was his message.

Yes, he dismisses the seriousness of spikes/worsening. He thinks no protection is needed unless you are in an environment when you need to shout to have conversation.

He also says he never, ever talked to a person for whom an antidepressant worsened tinnitus and all online people are full of shit.

 

Dr. Hubbard is full of shit, never had truly severe tinnitus. Shame people go to him and give him so much money for advice that you can read free online.

 

Or worse, pay lots of money for potentially bad, dangerous advice? I hesitated about scheduling the 2nd visit with him, but I caved in. A friend presses me to seek help anywhere possible. Altogether I spoke with 4 therapists, and have another scheduled. Not really helpful, except the pastoral therapist. I wish I had met him before tinnitus, he could have helped me with some issues I had that I did not quite understand/acknowledge.

 

I had a therapist for a bit. Very understanding and was great for getting my life straightened out, but she told me that talk therapy was not going to help my tinnitus. I stopped going after that convo.

 

Did Dr. Hubbard say he needed his f*cking money for that extraordinary advice?

 

Today I saw Dr. Fligor, an audiologist. I previously saw him online. He appears to be sympathetic and rather knowledgeable. He offered a modified TRT-like sound therapy as the best option for me. Other options were hearing aids (he would not recommend for me) or Lenire (he knew I was very skeptical of it). I guess I will go along with it, I probably do not have much to lose.

I just cannot, cannot overcome the deepest, blackest sadness, dread, the unspeakable loss. I just cry everywhere and act like a mad man when faced with a slightest difficulty.

If only God would listen to my prayer and healed me. If there is God, one would think by now I'd heard something, even like "nope, not you".

I warn all friends about this. People really, really have no clue, most of them anyway. Among all bad things that will come out of my tragedy, this is the least I can do. Perhaps save some families from unspeakable grief and tragedies.

 

@billie48, your posts really, really give me hope. Thank you for that. I really do appreciate your words. As I appreciate several other sympathetic members who chimed in this thread and elsewhere. Despite their suffering they offer hope and encouragement. I feel somewhat ashamed because myself I feel like I have it the worst, which obviously is not true. I do not have pain hyperacusis like several members of this forum do. Or poor folks who do not have supportive and understanding family and friends.

I really have a lot of going on for me. Truly loving and patient wife, good friends who spend hours listening to me. Work has been accommodating with disability leave and I am quite sure I can work remotely when I return. The pastoral therapist and the audiologist I met seem like they genuinely want to help.

I really need to hang in there. If only the damn tinnitus wasn't as loud. I was distraught in the beginning with what was a mild tinnitus. How I wish I could get that back, if not the total silence.

 

Yet, this hope is feeble.

If tinnitus and hyperacusis and resulting depression and anxiety weren't enough, I became such a POS of a person. Slightest triggers make me go ballistic. People blocking traffic immersed in their fucking phones, people not signaling, etc. I just cannot drive anymore, it's too dangerous, too irresponsible given my mental state. I just cannot cope with clueless stupid drivers anymore and I become so enraged, so I am more of a danger to myself and others than those morons are.

Just can't relax for a single moment. Tinnitus and hyperacusis are so relentless. Only sleep gives a reprieve, but can't say I wake up rested. I sleep 8-9 hours now (with breaks), yet I am constantly tired.

And to think I was genuinely happy person. I had no trouble relaxing, getting engaged in things. While world annoyed me (politics, cultural wars, wokism, religious extremism, radical agendas of both left and right, military wars, media full of deceit, etc, etc) - I could deal with it. Now I hate pretty much everything with passion.

 

Sometimes when our emotions are so hard to control, and mental side presents too much of a challenge to handle with our human ability, and we find we are not our old self as much as we try, we may need to get some medical help.

Doctors can prescribe medications to cut off the sharp edges of our acute emotional moments. I found out that during my toughest and darkest period, no advice or strategies were good enough to control my emotions. So my doctor and ENT gave me pills to help. Without those medications, I honestly don't know if my will power alone could have helped me through that period.

You may need to discuss your emotional health with your doctor or psychiatrist to see if you need some medicinal help.

You can also try some natural supplements if you like, such as lemon balm, valerian root, kava, chamomile etc.