Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

Like mentioned, I got Zoloft prescribed. Just too afraid to take it.

 

I tried many antidepressants, including Zoloft. They increased my tinnitus within two days of taking them. Fortunately, none caused a permanent increase.

 

Some people reported worsening or spiking from Zoloft, many do not. If you’re truly in the mindset of taking yourself out the game, then what do you really have to lose by trying the meds first?

 

Yes, I had this thought. I guess I am not quite there yet. And I really don't want to make it worse.

But this study really shows that SSRIs are not a good combo with tinnitus.

The auditory vs. somatosensory theory makes sense. Auditory path is not sending enough signal. Hence I suddenly can "modify" the tinnitus by jaw movement or applying pressure to certain spots on my head. I never really noticed this before but I bet it could have been there in a tiny degree (like my wife has that). So if Zoloft were to further suppress the auditory path, that's exactly wrong thing to do.

 

An interesting article about Zoloft-induced tinnitus, subsequently managed with Mirtazapine:

Tinnitus Treatment with Mirtazapine

 

That is somewhat of an improvement at least. Keep protecting your ears during these initial stages and I see no reason why you shouldn’t make progress. Maybe go back to the pastoral therapist you said you had success with?

 

I'm scheduled to see him Monday. But I dread his office by the loud highway.

My hyperacusis shot up this morning. Everything seems now even louder. I went yesterday to a monastery I visited previously to see a monk priest. Very kind man. I surprised him with my visit, yet he spent almost 2 hours with me with confession and discussion. He really wants to help me. My faith is shaken, I so much would like for God to help me in any way possible, but it does not seem to be possible. I wonder if the 2.5 hour drive in my fairly loud car (I wore musician's earplugs) and the 2 hour conversation spiked the hyperacusis. Tinnitus is bad but perhaps somewhat stable; lower in the evening, worse in the morning.

I just could not get up from the bed today. And I keep thinking about ending it again, because I feel so much worse overall. Plus my neighbor had tree work done; chain saw and wood chipper noises. Noises from fucking hell.

 

I think the pros of the therapy outweighs the con of the freeway in this case.

You do seem to be seeking the right help and I’m glad for it. Hopefully these people will get you on the right path to acceptance and only then will you see true improvement mentally.

Mine reacts the same as yours in regards to spiking after being around noise all day, which is why I’ve been locked away in silence for two weeks. I certainly don’t recommend this approach for your mental health! I am told with time more stability will come and it’ll react less.

I’m right there with you on that one, I’ve not had a great couple of mornings the last two days. But the best advice I can give in these scenarios is to just get right out of bed and start your day, even if that just means moving to another room or something as simple as brushing your teeth. As for your neighbour and his noise... I know how infuriating it is when there’s violent noise that’s out of your control.

Today I decided to take up online poker again, seeing as I’m not currently working or doing anything else, I thought why not. And to my surprise, as I was getting completely financially violated due to the worst luck in the world, I was having brief periods I genuinely wasn’t focused on the barrage of fucking noise in my head.

 

Maybe. I feel like I am biding time, making some moves to prove I tried, all the while failure is inevitable. But in a way the longer I can stick around, the more success it perhaps is.

Well, I switched rooms because my bedroom was at the end close to the noise. Still spent half of the day lying down on the couch.

Gambling, eh? Something I never was into, except buying a lotto ticket on occasion.

I always said I may spent much money on toys, but at least I don't do gambling, drugs and I am faithful to my wife. As I am about to fuck up a lot (likely end my life at some point), at least I will try to not get into these.

 

Your actions don’t strike me as a man who’s simply buying time. They strike me as actions from a man who wants to live so is giving it his best shot. I’m fairly confident you’ll come out on the other side. And I’m really looking forward to seeing your progress the next few months.

Roulette used to be my poison 10 years ago, I did certainly develop a problem that took me a couple of years to get over. I tend not to see poker as much of gambling, I don’t spend big money and I just enjoy playing it. Much more so with friends in person but this seems a little ways down the road for now.

Like you though, my main vice was simply anything with an engine, mainly motorcycles. I don’t do drugs and I have never once been unfaithful.

 

I don't know. I guess I am still hoping for a miracle/cure, i.e. this shit going away, or being reduced to a very low level I could accept. Or maybe "habituation" if it means something close, like really not noticing it. So in that sense I am buying time. Hence my attempts in finding faith and God. It's probably ridiculous. Any miracles that happen are probably various biological anomalies, where the body indeed somehow fixes itself even from seemingly incurable conditions. Hearing damage and tinnitus do not really fall into that category.

I just can't believe how much despair is in me now. Zero interest in anything, worse, I abhor everything. Like I really do not want to live like this, yet, I definitely would not have enough courage to end it at the current level of suffering. But I can imagine now level of suffering, where ending it will become necessary (still would fear it).

 

I know the feeling man. I am only 30 and much like you, I don't have interest in much at the moment. All we can do is continue to hope. I've also been wanting to try an antidepressant but am very scared to. I definitely would not be willing to try any SSRIs.

 

Sorry, man. Only 30. At least I had 40 years of a good ride. I was so looking towards our 50-60 to spend with my loving wife and see my children become independent. We had our kids relatively early. I feel so robbed, so cheated.

If there was someone where my anger is justified, it is musicians, particularly those suffering from tinnitus themselves. I went to like Sting or Bono concerts. No warning, nothing, nada. I am really angry at them. They had no responsibility, no charity in them to warn their fans and music admirers - even though they themselves suffer from it. It's almost like they wanted to stick it to you "I suffer, so you will too, loser!". Or just pure greed. If they warned people, they could become liable (sick legal system). In any case, they deserve a special place in hell for that.

 

I went to see another new therapist, the Native American Paranormal Hypnotist PhD Psychologist. I ran out after 5 minutes, literally. His place reeked with a smell that was a combination of smoking and urine. I can't describe it, it was suffocating and vomit inducing. I tried to open a window, thinking I may be able to deal with it but no dice. Besides, the first thing the dude asked me was "Hello. Do you have your insurance card for me?". The fellow and the place seemed weird and unsettling like from a Cohen brothers movie, if not David Lynch's. Gross and scary. I can indeed believe this dude deals with paranormal shit. In a bad way. Maybe it was smell of the devil.

Then I went to see the priest-married-to-nun one. This is a good person, I feel. Nothing earth shattering. But he listens and cares. I will keep going to see him.

Now, this evening I have something resembling near silence at times. Well, maybe just for a moment. It's weird, there is still this ringing-echo-emptiness cloak/veil, but the volume is lower than it has been in a good while. I don't want to get too optimistic, I fully expect this thing to rear its ugly sound on me any moment. Depression is crippling me anyway.

The part about "God has a plan for you"... it just does not sit well with me. I keep hearing this from the monk, from the pastoral therapist. I think this is something very American, Protestant rather, that has been adopted by Catholics here. I never thought God has plan for me. Why should he? Does not square away with free will. I don't want anyone having a plan for me. Unless it's curing me fully, well, I can take that.

Speaking of depression, I found an interesting lecture on the subject:

Stanford's Sapolsky On Depression in U.S....

 

While we’re all waiting for a cure, I think you’re for now in an adventitious place where you don’t need a miracle. You’re so early into your onset that the odds of it fading into being so much less bothersome are highly in your favour. I like what you said about finding faith, I’m about to take a walk up to my local church. I haven’t been there in years but I feel a nice walk will do me some good and that’s as good as a destination as any.

I emphasise with you so much here, I’ve just left my partner’s and returned to my own place for the first time in a month to pick up my mail and invoices to try and attempt to get on top of things business wise even though I don’t have any interest or motivation of the sort. Upon coming home, I looked out into my backyard and saw my boat that I know I won’t take out again as it’s very loud! I then saw my kayaks and thought what’s the point of having those, it’s not exactly going to be peaceful on the river with this in my head.

It’s strange to think I was here 8 years ago with all the same thoughts and despair but after 6 months to a year I was back to living normally again. Albeit it’s a lot worse this time, if I could get some stability and not have the volume rising due to external stimuli, then I think I could habituate to the elevated baseline.

 

@Hardwell, I am really losing faith. God never existed, or maybe died, or maybe does not care, or just does not work the way we've been taught. Any of the options is discouraging. The feeling of emptiness is in fact crushing. I never really considered what it would be like to have a serious health struggle. I was lucky, I thought I would avoid it for a while, and if anything, it would be some physical ailment. I never ever thought about the possibility of internal noise torture combined with crippling depression. I just wasn't prepared for this. Hence thinking about the unthinkable.

I am supposed to go for a massage this afternoon. New place, I have never been there before but the reviews were good. The guy called, but I am discouraged, I did not like his voice and the way he spoke. I always have been selective about people I interact with, now it's 10x. But I guess I will give him a chance.

 

The massage was not great. I hate man touching me, really gross. Hairy hands. Ugh. He knew some things about neck muscles, but otherwise very meh. I always went to female massagists. I used to go to one who was absolutely fantastic. Effective, knowledgeable, firm and gentle as needed. There was nothing erotic about it, just pleasant and relaxing.

Not going again to this guy. Besides, I really do not want to live like this, so why bother.

 

I am like broken record, I really should stop posting. Or even visiting this forum. Constant misery. This is not helping anyone, I guess. Neither myself, nor anyone else.

 

The very definition of faith is ‘complete trust or confidence in someone or something.’ It seems impossible to have complete trust in anything when you feel hard done by and aren’t seeing any results. For you to already have experienced almost silence this early on is a great sign. And also reading your description of your tinnitus, it sounds very similar to how mine began 8 years ago so take solace in the fact that after 8 months or so it really wasn’t an issue for me at all.

I’ve never really been one for massages. I’ve only ever had them done by a physio after football or boxing. All men, all uncomfortable.

Can you not seek out a new masseuse that better suits your requirements and raises your relaxation state?

And how are you doing today?

 

To be expected at 3 months in. I was an absolute train wreck at that point so I wouldn’t worry too much (impossible I know!).

In my personal opinion, if you are only 3 months in and describing your tinnitus as mostly ‘moderate’, this is a VERY good sign that you will eventually habituate.

 

@gameover, keep posting here. I find your comments intriguing... almost like an echo of my personal thoughts from a couple of months ago. I understand your frustration and this is a good place to vent.

I know this condition is maddening. I spent the first 3 or 4 months like you, running around like a mad man, trying to find a cure or relief for this. I tried herbs, supplements, acupuncture, CBT, hearing aid, HBOT, church counseling, expert counseling, dieting, LLLT, etc.

I finally conceded. THERE IS NO MIRACLE CURE. Just have to give it time to let your body do its thing. I have to trust some of the experienced members of this forum. I’ve just decided to eat more healthy and nutritious foods these days... something I should’ve done in the first place.

 

I may try another one, maybe.

Not doing too great. I went to see a very well respected ENT this morning. I had zero expectations, and indeed, nothing he can do except help me maybe find psychiatric help. Combo of intense tinnitus and hyperacusis is rare, according to him.

 

If we had similar thoughts - and if you were going insane like me - I pity you, too. But sounds like you are better now, at least.

I am still running around like a madman, but I have no illusion of a cure or anything. It's just that I am doing something. Not sure why. I guess I want everyone to know about my misery?

I have conceded there is no cure, too, but I am still not at peace, still mad, still crazy, crazier perhaps, hating myself more every day. I really do not believe I can be back to my good self. It's soul crushing beyond worst imagination.

 

Yeah, it is kinda more moderate than severe most of the day I guess. Still way too loud to accept it.

 

Unfortunately he’s not wrong, I know you’ve had bad experiences with a lot of the therapists you’ve seen but I do think you’d benefit from one. It of course isn’t going to help the tinnitus but it will help you deal with focusing your emotions and not directing them at others.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 7 months to deal with PTSD that then manifested into a whole lot of other things because I left it and bottled it up for years like we all do. I can tell you from experience it can take a few attempts to find the right therapist for yourself, it’s a very personal experience and it’s not one-glove-fits-all in this aspect. The therapist I see now is perfect for me and I started seeing results within a month and have carried on seeing him weekly ever since. Truth be told, I probably could have finished the therapy already but I quite like the weekly vent.

But I can’t stress enough how important it is to find the right therapist for you. I tried a few before I met this one. My first one was absolutely terrible and put me off trying again for about 3 years. She was pretty inexpensive so I thought maybe that’s why the therapy was bad. 3 years later I tried a more expensive one and it was a bit better but again I just didn’t click with it. So I went all out and found one of the best psychiatrists in my city. It was just under $500 for your first appointment and then just under $400 an hour after that. I found to click just as little with this therapist as I did with the first $80 dollar one and almost gave up the idea of therapy altogether.

I decided to give it one last try because at this point I was desperate, and it’s the best decision I’ve made in a long time. He has a completely different approach than all the others I’ve seen and it really works well with me. I was genuinely surprised but it is almost completely opposite to all the other therapists. Fee wise I would probably class it on the more inexpensive side, roughly $130 an hour. Weirdly he doesn’t seem to care too much about the money. He knows how much I get stressed doing invoices so he does them as infrequently as possible, I don’t think I’ve even paid him for 2-3 months at the moment.

My point in telling you all of this is that I think finding the right therapist will benefit you hugely and not just tinnitus wise. You have to shop around and give it a few weeks before you know whether it’s the right fit for you. And don’t just look for the most expensive option, price doesn’t seem to correlate with effectiveness in my experience.

 

Hi @gameover, I hope you're managing okay right now. You will have some funny stories to tell like from this encounter with the paranormal guy.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but on my first tinnitus worsening after a music festival, I had hyperacusis, but didn't know the name at the time (which in a way was a blessing back then). I would be filling up the bathtub or something mundane like that and have the urge to plug my ears. I thought I was losing my mind. But slowly over time without doing anything that went away.

 

As far as therapists go, I have tried four so far. But I don't see that being a sufficient solution, including the one I kinda like (pastoral guy).

The idea of drugging oneself still puts me off, even putting the risk of making tinnitus worse aside. I would not be in the depression whatsoever if it wasn't for tinnitus. Since it is not curable, treating depression is the exact definition of treating symptoms.

Bottom line is I just can't accept this. I leave the possibility open that time will help but as it is now, it feels rather hopeless.

The worst part of today is I sent a nasty email to the audiologist's office after they responded to my inquiry regarding follow-up with sound therapy with an infomercial boilerplate email praising Lenire and "helping me with tinnitus journey". Very insensitive I'd say (it's a torture, not journey), though nothing justified my beyond despicable email. I did not mean to send it even, I wanted to vent to myself, but did by mistake. I burnt that bridge now I am quite sure I am a nasty, hopeless moron.

 

No medical practice uses terms like "torture." I can't believe how you can see "journey" being insensitive. There's no cure. It's literally a journey to either natural healing, habituation or suicide.

Take no offense, but I know your type. You treat others like shit because you are hurting or having problems. Did you also bully your class mates in school? That's the classic type you know, a school bully has problems, but expresses those problems by making others' lives as miserable as possible.

Dealing with your pain by being nasty to others... that's low. It doesn't make it any better that you realize it yourself but keep doing it.

You aren't the only one with life altering health problems.

 

Might be language/cultural difference, English in not my first language. But I should know better. No, I never bullied anyone at school, ever. Had been subject to bulling but not all that much, I dealt/survived ok with it.

I know it's bad what I am doing, I want to stop, just keep slipping. And I am not recognizing myself. I wasn't like this. But there is no excuse for what I have done. I admitted and apologized. Maybe it's the breaking point to straighten me out. Thank you for an honest response. I guess bottom line is I need serious help and quick.

To clarify, I think about "journey" - as a trip, vacation, adventure. Something positive, enjoyable, pleasurable. Of course that's my bias and I admit the meaning is broader. If torture is too strong, words like struggle or travail, or even simply "experience" come to mind. Regardless, I will do my best to be a better person, like I think I was, at least most of the time. Maybe this bad stuff was seated hidden deep inside me. I need to turn this into a graceful behavior. Like the monk priest told me.

 

What kind of boat do you have man? I have a 180 Baycraft and was about to buy a 24ft Haynie before this happened. My passion and what I pretty much live for is saltwater fishing, but alike you, am very doubtful I will ever be able to get on the water again.