Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

I am really at a deep end. My wife drove me to a doctor's appt today (waiting for it). People's behavior on the road makes me loathe humanity. Fucking egocentric assholes. Basically every one of them. Driving at highway speeds buried in their fucking smart phones, drifting out of lane and oblivious to the surroundings. Tailgating. Inevitably, some moron rear-ended another causing traffic backup. Road maintenance during peak traffic... why? Because some fucking union says so, probably.

Seriously, smartphones is one of the worst things that happened to us. Makes us more vile, dangerous, self-absorbed. Fuck you Steve Jobs and your ilk. You sure are rotting in hell (if there was one, probably there isn't). Fuck me, who also contributed to so called tech. Although I am just a corporate drone. Scourge of humanity.

Just one look around the surroundings. Ugly cheap plastic houses. Whether the new developer "specials" McMansions, or some shitty ranches from 1960s. Everything is so ugly. Wasteful, cheap, pathetic. I hated those people and these things before, it's just magnified 10x now.

The worst thing is the realization what fucking vermin human race is. We are worse than rats. Way worse. We piss and shit literally into our bed, into what feeds us. Pollution everywhere. Think about it - like road salt use in winter. Just so this bunch of pathetic useless beings can get to their useless jobs, we are destroying the water sources. And of course (because this is fucking Murica), how anyone could even think about using winter tires? Freedom! What a bunch of losers.

Human race is pathetic, but USA is true epitome of evil. Everything is about money and greed. Basically everyone is there to get you and take advantage of you. Car mechanics, whenever they smell blood, they will rip you off. There may be exceptions, but that's the rule. Why? Not necessarily because every single person is evil. The system, the society makes them be so. They are underpaid and taken advantage by insurance companies, their bosses, etc. Or the medical-industrial complex. Let's not even get started. Everything is designed to fuck you over. Maybe that's why there is no hope for tinnitus cure.

Believe or not, I think that at heart, most people are actually good, even if mostly ignorant. But as a whole, as a society we are evil. Bad. The planet will be so much better off once humans are gone. Can't come soon enough. If the insane escalation of war in Ukraine results in nuclear war, that would be pretty fucking awesome. There will a lot of destruction and suffering, but if once humans are gone, the planet will eventually recover. Animals are way more deserving of this planet than fucking humans are. Maybe the evolution will spare the planet another mistake of developing "thinking' species. If this was God, fuck him. What a terrible thing he did by creating us.

The whole green propaganda about global warming (now "climate change"). Purely designed for profit and for taking advantage of you. Of course a lot of things we do, pretty much everything we do, is bad for the planet. But really the planet will be just fine once we are gone. So in that sense, doing more harm to accelerate human race demise is ultimately good.

On the other hand, maybe it is just a game, a simulation? Who the fuck cares if we destroy this planet. Maybe there are millions of them, and more will be come. Maybe that's the point, have fun, while you can, if you can, and just fuck others if you are in the position to? But then I never thought making others suffer is right, or never took pleasure in doing so. I do not think I caused much suffering to others. I tried to live by mantra "don't do to others what you would not like done to you". Of course, due to ignorance maybe I did things like that. Maybe I drove my loud car by someone's house where there was a hyperacusis sufferer, for example. I had no idea. Or in some cases, I just did not care. Maybe I was rude or brusque at times, hurting others or just making their day unpleasant. Yeah, I probably was.

Tinnitus is such a torture, but I realized living is a torture. I will end it. I feel sorry for my family. I am no longer able to provide for them and protect them. I will need to go.

 

I mean this in the kindest way possible - I think you should consider looking into therapy. The intense anger that you feel is toxic to you and your well-being. It’s only going to exacerbate your suffering, and that’s the last thing that you need, because I know you are suffering a lot.

Therapy won’t make the tinnitus go away, and I know that’s all that you really want right now. I understand because I feel the same. But it can absolutely help you process your emotions and your current situation (if you go into it with an open mind, not a “therapy is stupid” mind).

I’m currently doing an intensive outpatient program geared towards anxiety, and their main approach is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) but they also pull from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I also see an individual therapist. So I’m currently doing 10+ hours a week of treatment. And it’s hard, but within the past few days, I’ve noticed an improvement in my mood. I think you could benefit from any of these therapy approaches. They are all vastly different and if one doesn’t work for you, then another might.

I hope you at least consider it. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I think working through your current emotions (which are all valid) could be a huge relief for you. And remember we’re all here for you!

 

I'm curious. Did you really feel this way before suffering from tinnitus or have your eyes been recently opened to the reality of humanity?

I believe that one can choose how to interpret events based upon their circumstances and/or realize that life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

I believe that when life becomes something less than what is expected, one can choose to look at what still is joyful and pleasurable, or choose to think that now that life had thrown a curve ball, that everything is now ugly and hateful. Choosing the later, this will make life seem like a ball of shit and becomes self fulfilling when looking at the world through these eyes. No matter what, it is still a choice.

 

To be perfectly honest, it's not entirely new. I had better coping mechanisms (I trusted myself I can avoid most of shitty people and circumstances, and if I dealt with them I knew how) and I also saw many, many positive sides of life. I truly enjoyed most of my time on earth so far.

So it's kinda both. My negative side grew, and my positive one disappeared for the most part. I don't know about the choice, I am not seeing it now.

I am doing some therapy. Perhaps not enough. Talk therapy/hypnosis with a pastoral therapist, but that's like 1-2 hours per week. I tried CBT with two other specialists, including with Dr. Hubbard, and was very disappointed in those (I shared my experience earlier in this thread).

I realize the anger is toxic. It's also toxic to my family. Like I don't direct it at my wife, but she is witnessing it so obviously it affects her. I honestly think if I had lived in a quiet place in the woods far away from others, where I would not hear traffic, and rarely got out to see people (especially how they drive), I would greatly reduce my triggers. We are considering buying another house and moving but it is very hard in this market, it's hard in my condition, and we are limited by certain constraints (kid's school).

 

Your paragraph opened up a food for thought (for me) and I wanted to comment on it.

All of us have expectations. Let's say that we are back in school. We have a test coming up, we have studied very hard for it. On test day, your mind goes blank (been there myself) and you can't remember what you studied. The actual exam and our results may not be what we expected. I have been through these situations, all of us have.

My only "true" expectation was at trying my best (studying hard) and showing up to take the test. How my essay might be graded and what and how the teacher felt was not in my control. I use this logic in my life these days as well. My full expectation is of what I need to do and how to deal with it.

I would love for everyone, to fully understand how difficult it is to live with tinnitus. I really do. But in my many decades living with it, it has not been fully achieved. I have friends that say "you choose to live this way." I just say "ok" and just move on.

I expect myself to be a resource to myself (to help motivate me, to move forward daily) and those that need it (my dogs and members of this forum, the people that need love & support). That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I had a motorcycling buddy of mine (well before my tinnitus) that was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident from the waist down. Before the accident, he was a great friend, general life of the party and had a surprising zest for life.

After his accident and when it became apparent he would never walk again, he slowly turned bitter, angry, mean and vindictive against anyone that could walk. He had lots of therapy, both physical and mental, but he could not shake his descent into bitterness and his friends stopped coming by to see him.

It's a long story, but he finally drove me away as well. I told him he made this choice and he argued bitterly that God had made a choice for him and he was angry and could not see a fulfilling life ahead of him.

I only mention my friend in contrast to my wife, who has suffered most of her life, since the age of 26, with more maladies than I can count and yet she remains happy and looking forward to tomorrow because she made a choice, that no matter what the day brings, she maintains a positive mental attitude and strives to bring happiness and joy to those around her. Fortunately for me, I'm the main recipient of her love and caring.

She was not able to help my friend either, while setting an example of overcoming the odds and having a reasonable life.

While I have suffered tinnitus for 2 decades, with the last 7 years being fully engulfed by catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis, I know that there are things we choose for ourselves and things that are chosen for us; it's up to me decide what to do with those choices while I'm alive. I have accepted my tinnitus/hyperacusis and I choose to make the best of life come what may.

 

@gameover is still pretty early on, so I don’t think choosing to think more positively about the situation is necessarily a bad shout.

 

OK, I saw comments about avoiding antidepressants that could make tinnitus or hyperacusis worse. Probably the safest way would be to use Nortriptyline, which is a tricyclic antidepressant. That's the one I was on, because my doctor found there was a study that it helped reduce tinnitus in something like 70% of people compared to more like 30% for a placebo, plus I was experiencing anxiety and depression. And on drugs.com website, I think it's one of the only drugs listed as a treatment for tinnitus, along with Xanax (but that's a benzo, not antidepressant). So it's probably as safe as it gets for antidepressants. The antihistamine characteristics were a problem for me - dry mouth, urinary retention, so I couldn't get to a therapeutic dose of 100 mg for depression. Of course, it takes several weeks to be very effective. At a lower 50 mg dose that I could sustain, I think it helped some for depression, but it never helped with sleep at all.

 

It is an interesting question. But I don't know it boils down to choice only. Maybe this is what we truly are, i.e. it is not about changing yourself/overcoming obstacles. Maybe we have this in ourselves or we don't.

Maybe I appeared to be a good person I like to see myself as, only because I had my health (and other things in life) together? So maybe I wasn't truly a good person? Was it fake? The bad guy was lurking there (maybe he was, I had bad sides to me)? Because it was conditioned on my own happiness? But if my deeds/acts towards others overall were good so far, I wasn't a bad person then, was I?

Is it like a spectrum? I'd lose something lesser than silence/normal sound sensitivity, say I lost a leg, maybe I'd become somewhat bitter/irritable as the loss of limb would inevitably interfere with my life. But not nearly as much as I am now (I assume and truly believe it would bother me much, much less). I guess I will see where this really takes me in few more months/years (if I get there).

Re: setting an example. Yes, I am seeing multiple examples of strong and positive people around me, some mentioned in this thread, who take some serious shit, including tinnitus, with stride. Or some on this forum. It helps in a sense, i.e. that maybe I will be able to get there where they are eventually, if my brain adjusts one way or another so tinnitus (and hyperacusis) are less bothersome. The question is will it happen with time, or does it require some mental effort/work I am not capable (not willing?) to put in? Or maybe it will not happen, because I won't be able to accept this shit and I will remain bitter and angry and destroy even more things in my life, ending up in vicious circle?

 

First of all, huge kudos to you, your wife and all that keep pushing through. My posts are always about pushing through and just keep going forward. I have a genuine passion for helping others and trying to share advice that might be helpful to someone. I do this on Tinnitus Talk and in real life as well. I motivate people on Tinnitus Talk and in real life as well.

In my life, through all the dark ages and difficulties, I always looked for an inspiration. I looked for a story that could give me hope, a push, a candle in the dark. Through my decades of living with tinnitus, I come here to help people out. My journey began earlier than most, so I come here to share it. My post(s) might be a candle for someone, it may give hope to someone. That's why I make my posts, it's to show support, and hopefully to help someone move forward.

It's those inspirations, and my experience that leads me to share my knowledge. I always felt blessed (even when dealing with difficulties) and just want to pass it on. It's those obstacles, difficulties, and afflictions that brings me here.

My hope is that my stories and my posts can motivate someone. That's the goal, that's why I come here.

 

I tried Nortriptyline and it exacerbated my tinnitus.

 

@gameover, I haven't read the whole thread, only your first post and skimmed through some more. It might not be of any help but I want to add my two cents. According to your first post, your level of tinnitus and hyperacusis is what mine were over ten years ago. I would murder to only have one tinnitus tone and be annoyed by dishes clanking. Now I have multiple tones, super reactive tinnitus and my own voice hurts when I talk.

Anyways, my one tip I wanted to get across is that your experiencing self and your remembering self are to some extent two different people. Throughout the years I've had multiple setbacks, and for each one of them when I'm in the thick of it it's almost impossible to think of a life where things aren't horrible. But time does move forward and you will inevitably change your mind and your outlook. It might be for the better, it might be for the worse, but it WILL change. And that fact is what keeps me going to some extent.

Again, the suffering is of course subjective, but if I could be in your shoes right now regarding tinnitus and hyperacusis, I would consider myself back to a normal life. I'd say habituation is 95% a guarantee in your case. Give it 1 year (without further trauma), and you will be in a different place.

 

Happiness doesn't lie in your circumstance, it's really in you and your choices and your ability to overcome obstacles.

Kind of like the serenity prayer: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I don't have a tone, rather metallic ringing/static sound. It's horrible as it is. Perhaps a high-pitched tone would be worse?

Maybe that's the real happiness. I don't have it in my then most likely. Too bad I blew it. If I only knew about this and did not use that fucking tool without protection, I'd continue to live happily in my fake happiness. I think anyone would take it over this.

 

Your own voice hurts your ears, as in pain hyperacusis?

 

I think it’s all very subjective, I went from the one tone to currently multiple. I also have the static/metallic hiss (great description) and I can’t say any of them are more annoying than the other. Maybe the occasional car alarm tone is my worst...

Primarily I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing today?

I did mention in my previous post that I’ve booked a cabin in the wilderness for a week to get away from humanity. I think that could be just as beneficial for you to do something similar if you are able to?

 

Good for you!

I doubt if I went to such a cabin that I'd bother returning to humanity.

 

Thanks, @Hardwell. Doing not too great, but got myself busy with selling a car so that kept some of the attention away. But it's horrible. It's there all the time. I hate it and hate myself for doing it to myself all the time. I just fucking hate it. Silence was so important to me.

Can't imagine multiple tones. If that happens to me I am out, seriously. This fucking condition is so horrific. I honestly would rather have chronic pain here and there, especially if it was in the head. There is something about a "head problem" that's worse. Hurting leg, hurting back would be something I could somewhat "distance myself" from, if that makes sense. This fucking sound just rapes me. Every fucking second.

Cabin in wilderness, I was thinking about it but been too busy with doctor visits etc. The stay in monastery was supposed to be sort of like that, but while a quiet place, obviously not nearly as quiet as being in the wilderness.

 

Yes. Loudness and pain.

That's what I thought, and still think. I had the hiss for 18 years and I was 90% at peace with it after the first few months. In 2018 I got my first additional tone. Now I have the hiss and 2-3 tones that oscillate. Man, I wish I could go back to only the hiss, that would be a dream.

 

I really want this shit to be gone. I am still clinging to this hope. I won't live with it for the next 10+ years, especially if it gets worse. Nope.

 

I hear you. Mine are all high pitch - 12 kHz and above - constantly changing screeches, hissing, 1000s of electronic crickets, train brake squealing and they are discordant and madding. And combined with my hearing loss, there are no opportunities to use sound to distract from the noise.

I'd love to go back to the good ol' days of a simple eeeee.

 

Do you do anything to try and neutralise this, like noise reducing earplugs or musician's earplugs?

 

Posts like yours completely convince me there I won't be living with a torture like that. I am basically devastated by my metallic ringing, essentially a single sound. Yes, it's early, so let's see what happens. But if it gets worse - fuck it, I am outta here. I am shit chicken what it comes to checking out, but looks like there are achievable relatively painless methods. And no, I won't be traveling to like Switzerland, etc. That's pretty fucked up, to be honest. Talking and considering about suicide is in fact completely fucked up, but now I understand why one would consider it. I never really did before.

 

Well, since my own voice is inside my head, earplugs mostly makes it worse. My AirPods ANC kind of helps though actually. But mainly I just try and push through the pain and hope my ears will desensitize. I’m in a spike right now and I’ve had hyperacusis spikes like I have now going for months on end before getting better, so there is always some kind of hope it will eventually get better. This one is going on 3+ months now.

 

Those were my exact feelings and sentiments when I first got my tinnitus and hyperacusis 20+ years ago. I thought of ending my life. But the noise in my head slowly faded away, I habituated and it was not much of a problem until about 7 years ago.

I then tried, unsuccessfully, to end it. I tried again and was unsuccessful again. And this was for my mild increase in tinnitus from the acoustic trauma that I experienced due to being exposed to a pneumatic hammer drill at work while wearing earplugs. I say mild tinnitus, because my tinnitus is now so much worse, due to additional acoustic traumas that have happened in the intervening years. But while my tinnitus is at an extreme, catastrophic level, my zest for life has changed to where I no longer think about ending it. I'm not super human or a badass. It took great courage to attempt death, but I decided that my family would be far worse off if I was no longer a part of it. For me, it's really that simple.

Maybe I have been conditioned to suffering while watching my wife suffer. Or the fact that I overcame a severe leg fracture early in my life that required two major surgeries and two years on crutches. I'm not sure. But seeing my family at the end of my bed when I regained consciousness post second attempt, may have really changed me and I decided that life was worth it. Each of us has to make a decision to actively live with the cards we're holding, as opposed to wishing we've been dealt a better hand.

 

I ended up posting my experience with Nortriptyline in the Antidepressants thread.

Yeah, I have seen some reports of it increasing tinnitus in some, but I've seen some people posting it has helped with tinnitus as well. For me, it was neutral as far as the tinnitus itself. And it just seems like one of the safer ones to try if one wants to risk it to help with depression. I would recommend trying it or at least some antidepressant before throwing in the towel.

 

What additional traumas were they? It is truly insane how much weaker apparently the ears become after initial trauma(s).

I really wonder what is going to get me? I am trying to do some normal things, like driving a car (wearing musician's earplugs), and even went to restaurant a few times, or visited friends. Like yesterday we visited some friends, and the conversation was pretty loud and it took a few hours. I wasn't wearing earplugs and the event did not seem to spike me. I guess I am getting "exposure".

 

Sunny day and driving in town and just as I come upon the local fire department, out rolls the ladder truck, sirens full tilt. I had to pull over right then and didn't get the windows up in time. Also waiting at a red light, windows down and the big rig on my right blew their horn because person in front of them was day dreaming in the right hand turn lane. Now I drive with windows up and 33 dB earplugs in.

Building security alarm sounded at work and the loud speaker was ten feet behind my desk. Fucking loud, high pitch shriek that lasted 5 minutes. Happened twice. It was an unannounced test both times.

I dropped a glass in the sink. Wife dropped dinner knife into sink and also dropped a broom handle next to me. I dropped crockpot lid on the kitchen tile. Smokey cooking setting off house fire alarms; batteries now removed.

Heavy metal door slammed behind me at work. Pallet was dropped next to me in shipping/receiving. Taking a walk between buildings at work just a car with tremendous squeaky brakes stopped by. Ear piercing noise. Car alarms too. Sirens on emergency vehicles suck also.

Next door neighbor was using a rented hydraulic log splitter. Peaked over the fence just to see what was happening as he loaded a big log and it made a big ass clunk. Stupid me.

Fireworks during the holidays, even if I'm inside with the windows closed. Fucking loud booms. I have stopped eating out; loud music now is the norm in most places.

I'm sure I'm missing some, but these are the events that have incrementally increased my tinnitus to the level it is at now. Shit that happens in the city. I now wear earplugs anytime I'm outside, which really sucks because there is no ambient noise to help distract from the screaming tinnitus. I wear them in the shower too, mainly due my hyperacusis.

 

Sounds positive and a good thing to keep doing as long as you’re sensible. Are you able to go hiking and out in nature? That’s good natural exposure as well.

I would think that visiting your friends would do wonders for your mental health?

 

I’m sorry to hear that @gameover. I’d say hopefully selling the car would be somewhat a distraction but I imagine you’re selling it due to the tinnitus, so it’s still going to be in the back of your mind. If you find yourself going even a couple of minutes fully distracted from your tinnitus, then absolutely make a mental note of that because it shows you have the ability to tune it out. I know how difficult it sounds, but the first time I got it, all I wanted was for it to go away. Only when I gave up on wanting to get rid of it, did I start to habituate and the noise itself started to fade.

The multiple tones are definitely annoying, but I wonder how much worse it really is. Intrusive tinnitus is intrusive tinnitus, so not easy regardless. In a silent setting I hear most of the tones on a bad day, when I’m outside and it reacts, it tends to all morph into one tone that sits above the ambient noise. I too have thought about chronic pain and all the trade offs I would do for this tinnitus, but as suffering is subjective, I imagine if you asked them, they’d trade their chronic pain for our tinnitus. One can never know another person’s suffering.

I would certainly recommend a get away to nature if possible. Yesterday was the most normal I felt since this got worse.

I also wanted to touch on @Jammer and his events of worsenings. I know they will not be an easy read for you and you’ll feel even more hopeless about the future. I just wanted to say that pretty much everything he experienced that made him worse, I’ve encountered 100s of times with no effect. You absolutely should be careful because they can worsen you, but everyone’s ears are different and you may not be as vulnerable.

I do expect your tinnitus to fade in due course and for you to habituate to whatever level that might be left. And you, of all people, will certainly learn from this experience and take good care of your ears in the future.