Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

[gameover]

My story is this...

I got hearing loss and tinnitus from a loud power tool (air hammer) without hearing protection. I have no idea what made me so stupid that day. I was even looking for earmuffs, but did not have them with me at the garage (40 minutes away from home). Instead of running to bring a pair, I thought "this one time it will be okay". I had no idea what tinnitus is, maybe some vague recollection, but did not realize it could happen so quickly (well, it wasn't that quick - I probably spent between 5-10 minutes hammering). I always thought loud noise exposure leads to poor hearing "when you are old". What an idiot.

I am past my mid-40s, male, never having any hearing issues at all. I did not have an extensive history of loud noise exposure either, though there were some incidents. I liked to listen to loud music occasionally, typically in the car, but never overdid it (don't have custom loud stereos or such). As a teen/youngster I'd use Walkman a lot, but haven't in decades, really. When I was 8 years old, I fired my father's rifle accidentally inside our house. My father was a hunter and never used hearing protection, and never had hearing issues. He occasionally took me hunting and let me shoot (of course without hearing protection). When I was in my early 20s, I might have gone to a few loud concerts. But since then, for the past 20 years, I was always taking Etymotic earplugs with me to attend concerts, which I would maybe attend a couple every year (before COVID-19). While DYing at home, I'd use earmuffs while using a table saw, jackhammer or vibrating tool. Maybe not so when using a nail gun for wood trim work or drilling in wood. And never around cars indeed (loudest tool would be an impact gun, except the damn air hammer that I used maybe the 2nd time ever).

I am devastated by tinnitus. It's probably moderate on average, but can be severe. And actually now is after (idiot, again) I exposed myself to too loud high frequency noise while playing with a tone generator too loud. Shower no longer masks it. It's loud when I wake up, it used to go down after a while, but no longer. It used to be quieter when I am in a quiet room. It definitely is reactive tinnitus, certain sounds instantly aggravate it - e.g., boiling water in an electric kettle, or crushing a paper bag. I also have mild (?) hyperacusis. Sounds like plates or silverware are unpleasant.

I have had self-diagnosed misophonia for years, at least 10-15. People eating in office open space, or smacking their lips, or phones beeping would drive me mad. I wish had I read about tinnitus/hyperacusis when researching misophonia. Now this is 10x worse. Everything sounds louder (e.g., passing cars), and even if it does not spike tinnitus, it makes me very angry.

Tinnitus took like 4-5 days to develop after the trauma. It started faint in the left ear, and was gradually getting worse for next 2-3 weeks. It really started to feel bad after the first ENT visit at the 3 week mark. My left ear audiogram at 3 weeks after the trauma showed worse hearing loss (by 20 dB?). A week later, the loss evened out (right ear the same as the left ear). The tinnitus is mostly in the left ear still, but in the morning it seems to be inside the head. It's quite possible it has been getting better lately at around the 3 month mark.

My sleep was destroyed during the 2nd month - I slept like 2-3 hours. But it has been gradually improving over the last 3 weeks - I am getting 5-6 hours of sleep, sometimes with a break, sometimes in one stretch. I even had a night with 8 hours of sleep. Previously I was a super sleeper, I could sleep any amount of time, and was rarely disturbed. Initially, I tried Melatonin but it did not really work. I could fall asleep, but was waking up. I am not taking anything now, except Magnesium L-Threonate, and not very consistently.

I am also not taking any antidepressants. Too scared of making tinnitus/hyperacusis worse. I've been peddled those by my GP (first Trazodone and Zoloft, but nope, not taking those).

I tried CBT with a guy supposedly specializing in tinnitus patients affiliated with the top Ivy school in the U.S, but this is a waste of time and insulting to be honest. He has no clue (or maybe I don't, but it just does not work for me). Think "positively". So annoying.

My stress/anxiety is going down compared to month 2, but I am super depressed and crying a lot, more and more in random, even public situations. I never ever thought I'd suffer from depression. I never did. Not even close.

I just can't accept what I have done. I don't want to take my life, so far I'm too scared to do that, but that is likely to happen eventually. I loved life and had virtually everything I could dream of in my life: great health, loving wife, wonderful kids, great job, houses, cars, fair amount of money! Now - I'd give up literally everything for a cure. Or I would just want to never wake up again and be done with it.

I need tinnitus/hyperacusis to improve. Losing faith that time heals it, especially given my hearing loss. Damn scared of being out. I rarely drive, and wear earplugs when I do (which is sad since cars were my passion, and I have a few cool sports cars). I am waiting for custom molded musician earplugs, as I hate fumbling with the foam ones (struggling to get them seated right), and feel silicone ones offer marginal protection.

The fear of tinnitus getting worse due to random (normal level?) exposure is absolutely crippling me. How am I supposed to get dental work done? While I loved quiet surroundings, I loved to travel, go around, visit restaurants (I am a foodie), visit cities and parks/remote areas alike. I feel like my life is over and I need to become a hermit. I will go crazy and so will my wife with me.

Seems the only realistic hope is Dr. Shore's device. It can't come soon enough. Easily another 2 years if that, and getting access to it may be difficult. Everything else either is gone (Frequency Therapeutics, Otonomy), or is far away (XEN1101), or risky/unproven (stem cells).

This post is very long, too long. I am exceedingly traumatized. Tending to be overly protective, if I had had a slightest idea of tinnitus (and I should have), I'd never ever have done what I had. I'd be fine. Live a good life for many years to come, hopefully. I'd lower the volume of music in my car, and ditch headphones (hardly used those, anyway), take them away from kids and just warn anyone around me.

It is so f***ing ironic that what is the most inhumane, torturous, sadistic experience is so easily avoided, at least noise exposure/acoustic trauma wise. Yet, this dumb society will put warning labels about electrocution on extension cords, but would not put warning labels about tinnitus/hyperacusis on things like power tools, headphones or speakers. I truly hate this world for it. Sadly.

The worst part is that tinnitus sufferers do not talk about tinnitus. One of my best friends I have known for 6 years has had a virus induced tinnitus (loud, supposedly) for 30 years. He was habituated. And never told me! If he only did. My other friend I've known for 30 years, has had a mild tinnitus (cause unknown, he thinks it could be alcohol?) for 26 years. Never told me, either. My brother-in-law has had a tinnitus since childhood (antibiotic induced). My wife says she told me years ago. I forgot, I guess.

Literally a random man I asked during a walk in the woods (for the first time ever!) if he knows what tinnitus is, he tells me: "oh I have had it for 5 years and it is bad". Can you believe it? Like everyone around me seems to have tinnitus, but nobody warned me about it.

I was trying to find help in God, being religious and fairly observant Catholic for most of my life. God does not give a flying F about tinnitus, certainly not mine so far. Makes me doubt my faith (what the hell did I think?). The whole bullshit about suffering makes you a better person turns me off. I am a much worse, angrier, impatient person for it, and this probably can be felt in the tone of my post.

Now, I need to acknowledge the immense suffering and also compassion I see shown by overwhelmingly kind people on this forum (e.g., @billie48 must be a saint). It's truly a tragic place. I wish I found it in time and thus learned about tinnitus before I got it.

The biggest lesson I learned with this that I didn't quite understand is that the most important thing in life is... will to live. How one lives their lives is a secondary matter. It seems impossible to live if you don't feel like it. It's a painful, pointless, sorrowful existence of constant torture now.

 

[gameover]

I keep re-reading my overly long post. The last paragraph... will I find enough strength to continue living for my loved ones? All the while becoming burden on them? If it wasn't for my loving wife, I can't believe I would be still here. And my kids. It's beyond gut wrenching to think what it would do to them.

I should clarify, my hearing loss is 40 dB at 6 kHz and 50-55 dB at 8 kHz, and probably gets worse beyond that. I am screwed.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

I tried CBT with a guy supposedly specializing in tinnitus patients affiliated with the top Ivy school in the U.S, but this is a waste of time and insulting to be honest. He has no clue (or maybe I don't, but it just does not work for me). Think "positively". So annoying.

I feel precisely the same about CBT.

I would, however, still be very appreciative if you would please describe in slightly more detail what this "CBT Counseling" consisted of and why it felt insulting. I am interested in why it has been such a failure for so many.

 

[Monkee Man]

Hey there @gameover, welcome to the forums. I am truly sorry to hear you are going through this awful experience. I felt compelled to write a reply as your reaction to developing tinnitus and hyperacusis reminds me of my own back in November 2021. I can absolutely relate to those feelings of complete despair and crippling regret that quickly lead to full-blown depression and suicidal ideation. It is particularly cruel and unfair that you have actually spent many years protecting your ears at loud events and around power tools, but one slip-up lead to tinnitus; I battered my ears for half my life with cranked headphones, crazy loud shows/concerts, gigging & rehearsing with loud bands with no earplugs before developing tinnitus & hyperacusis after a particularly loud show at age 29.

I also can't agree enough about how ridiculous it is that every electrical appliance, plastic bag, pack of cigarettes, beer bottle, etc. has warnings printed on it no matter how obvious the risk of injury, but headphones, speakers, loud movie theaters, concerts, and such have literally never presented such warnings about tinnitus/hearing loss/hyperacusis (at least that I've seen). If I had ever read about hyperacusis (which is so unknown outside of sufferers that it doesn't even register as a word on MacBook/iPhone spellchecks), I would have definitely taken better care of my hearing. That is irrelevant at this point though, as it is the past, and time travel is even farther out than hearing regeneration drugs.

The good news is that you are only 2 months into this, and very likely will get better. The first 3-6 months for me were absolute torture, constantly stuck in fight or flight mode and unable to stop pacing around the house for hours on end, ruminating about every mistake I'd made that lead me to this point. A good night's sleep was next to impossible, and I couldn't even listen to music at a low volume without my tinnitus reacting viciously. It was awful, and I took to the bottle pretty hard during that time as I felt my life was crumbling around me along with all my relationships, hopes and dreams.

After about 6 months, including a few setbacks, it began to be much easier to accept the situation, and realize that the only thing I can control is how I react and adapt to these life changes. People all over the world experience traumatizing life changes every day, whether it's becoming a quadriplegic from a car wreck, going blind, losing limbs, etc. and they somehow manage to adapt and keep living. If they can do it, so can you and I. If you continue to protect your ears whenever necessary and avoid very loud situations, you stand a very good chance of improving to the point where you have habituated to your tinnitus and learned to safely navigate your hyperacusis, which tends to improve with time as long as setbacks are avoided.

It is crucial to do as much enjoyable stuff as you can in your free time, as long as you avoid significantly loud events for the time being (concerts, car shows, loud mainstream cinemas, power tools) while your ears are still adapting, and protect your ears any situation where you experience discomfort, such as restaurants or busy stores. In the beginning, I could hardly stand to have a conversation with someone or watch TV without my tinnitus reacting and my ears distorting/tensing up, and the ringing was loud enough to make me unable to do much past sit on the couch or lay in bed in utter disbelief for hours at a time. This past weekend, I played acoustic guitars with friends, went to a flea market/antique mall, saw a movie at an indie theater (first time in a movie theater since COVID-19, used molded musician's earplugs & sat in the center avoiding the speakers, had a blast), spent an afternoon at a relatively crowded beach, and listened to many records and CDs on nice bookshelf speakers at an enjoyable volume. I couldn't have imagined doing any of that when I was only a couple months into onset.

Hang in there my friend, you got this! Dr. Shore' device is also a couple years out like you mentioned, so there is at least some hope for a treatment there, but as you've seen with the regenerative drugs, it's best not to put all your eggs in one basket. I am hoping it will give us some relief whenever it finally becomes available, but in the meantime I feel it's best to learn to live as if there will never be a treatment. Please feel free to reach out to all of us if you need someone to talk to or have any questions, there is a great community here for support.

 

[Jupiterman]

It's quite possible it has been getting better lately at around the 3 month mark.

...

Yet, this dumb society will put warning labels about electrocution on extension cords, but would not put warning labels about tinnitus/hyperacusis on things like power tools, headphones or speakers.

If you've already noticed an improvement, then that is a good sign. It ought to continue improving, provided you are careful in protecting your ears.

I agree with you about warning labels on power tools; that will eventually come but probably not for at least a few decades. Power tool manufacturers wouldn't want to voluntarily put a 'tinnitus warning label' on the boxes as they would worry that potential customers would read the warning as "This power tool may give you tinnitus." It needs to be a legal requirement so that all vendors do it.

I also agree that no one wants to talk about tinnitus. It is effectively an embarrassing subject. I have spoken to my family and friends about it and none of them barely knew a thing. They are all taking precautions now in the light of my experience. That gives me some comfort.

Take some comfort that many people you know have tinnitus, habituated and are living with it. Why can't that be you in the future too?

What you need to do is avoid loud noises at all costs, do not be embarrassed about protecting your ears and just let time pass - be patient. Most tend to feel better as the months progress.

 

[Juan]

He occasionally took me hunting and let me shoot (of course without hearing protection). When I was in my early 20s, I might have gone to a few loud concerts.

Maybe all this contributed to your hearing problems in the long run. The power tool incident, in my view, was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Something very particular, peculiar to hearing problems, is the loss of perspective about normal hearing perception. Let me explain. Maybe you think your hearing was "normal" up to the power tool incident, but it is also possible that your hearing slowly changed and deteriorated without your noticing, since ears may be blocked, or hearing loss may lurk and progress without the person noticing much until there is a single incident that triggers a bigger change, and then one does notice.

Some people do not recognise severe hyperacusis immediately because, ironically, a brief noise exposure triggers muffled hearing for weeks and weeks and when the muffled hearing subsides, the "clear" hearing that results is NOT the same hearing the person had prior to the muffling. The person just lost perspective due to weeks with muffled hearing without being able to experience how crystal clear sounds are normally perceived.

 

[Ngo13]

I'm so sorry you have been hit with this shit that is tinnitus, @gameover. I just wanted to add I understand completely how you feel and I have had all the same thoughts you expressed during my 15 months with tinnitus. You are not alone. For me, I didn't really start feeling better mentally until almost a year in. I have anxiety and obsessive tendencies that don't mix well with tinnitus.

I completely agree that no one ever talks about it and I don't understand why. I found out almost an entire year in that my uncle got tinnitus about 5 months before me the exact same way I did (child scream in ear). Had I known, I certainly would have protected my ears around my newborn.

Regardless, I wanted to make sure I replied to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong. Most of the population does not wear hearing protection and they do not develop tinnitus. You did something that countless others have done many times and never will have any issues. When they perform studies on animals and induce tinnitus using sound/medication, not all of the animals actually get tinnitus even though they are all exposed to the same exact thing in a super controlled environment. It's just something in individuals that causes your brain to react with tinnitus. I am telling you this to help you understand that you need to forgive yourself. You chose not to use hearing protection because of the information you had at the time. It is not your fault you didn't know tinnitus was even a possible consequence. As humans we are going to make mistakes. It is a guarantee that it will happen in life. Give yourself some grace.

Tinnitus has completely changed the way I view life. Even though I never even thought about it before, my health was never guaranteed in this life. Something could have happened at any time. So I got tinnitus, and a bunch of other people got their own issues. I have learned to cherish the moments, small things, and things to be grateful for. It's cliche and sounds stupid but it has really helped me start clawing out of my pit of despair. For example, I'm thankful I can even hear my son's laugh and see his face when he smiles. I'm thankful I can feel the sunshine warm my skin. I'm thankful I can walk my dog. I literally go down to the most basic things to be grateful for. This isn't meant to minimize your suffering - but perhaps it will help you get through your day to day in spite of your suffering with tinnitus.

It doesn't hurt to be cautiously hopeful. For most people, it really does get better with time. Despite many setbacks, I started seeing very small improvement about a month ago. Treatments are coming to help. My best advice is to do your very best to find the joy in your day for the present with the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Taking it day by day has really made a difference for me mentally as well.

You can do this. I recommend custom hearing protection, especially with your misophonia. Protect your ears when necessary and distract yourself as much as possible for now. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[gameover]

Thank you, everyone.

Hey there @gameover, welcome to the forums. I am truly sorry to hear you are going through this awful experience. I felt compelled to write a reply as your reaction to developing tinnitus and hyperacusis reminds me of my own back in November 2021. I can absolutely relate to those feelings of complete despair and crippling regret that quickly lead to full-blown depression and suicidal ideation. It is particularly cruel and unfair that you have actually spent many years protecting your ears at loud events and around power tools, but one slip-up lead to tinnitus; I battered my ears for half my life with cranked headphones, crazy loud shows/concerts, gigging & rehearsing with loud bands with no earplugs before developing tinnitus & hyperacusis after a particularly loud show at age 29.

I also can't agree enough about how ridiculous it is that every electrical appliance, plastic bag, pack of cigarettes, beer bottle, etc. has warnings printed on it no matter how obvious the risk of injury, but headphones, speakers, loud movie theaters, concerts, and such have literally never presented such warnings about tinnitus/hearing loss/hyperacusis (at least that I've seen). If I had ever read about hyperacusis (which is so unknown outside of sufferers that it doesn't even register as a word on MacBook/iPhone spellchecks), I would have definitely taken better care of my hearing. That is irrelevant at this point though, as it is the past, and time travel is even farther out than hearing regeneration drugs.

The good news is that you are only 2 months into this, and very likely will get better. The first 3-6 months for me were absolute torture, constantly stuck in fight or flight mode and unable to stop pacing around the house for hours on end, ruminating about every mistake I'd made that lead me to this point. A good night's sleep was next to impossible, and I couldn't even listen to music at a low volume without my tinnitus reacting viciously. It was awful, and I took to the bottle pretty hard during that time as I felt my life was crumbling around me along with all my relationships, hopes and dreams.

After about 6 months, including a few setbacks, it began to be much easier to accept the situation, and realize that the only thing I can control is how I react and adapt to these life changes. People all over the world experience traumatizing life changes every day, whether it's becoming a quadriplegic from a car wreck, going blind, losing limbs, etc. and they somehow manage to adapt and keep living. If they can do it, so can you and I. If you continue to protect your ears whenever necessary and avoid very loud situations, you stand a very good chance of improving to the point where you have habituated to your tinnitus and learned to safely navigate your hyperacusis, which tends to improve with time as long as setbacks are avoided.

It is crucial to do as much enjoyable stuff as you can in your free time, as long as you avoid significantly loud events for the time being (concerts, car shows, loud mainstream cinemas, power tools) while your ears are still adapting, and protect your ears any situation where you experience discomfort, such as restaurants or busy stores. In the beginning, I could hardly stand to have a conversation with someone or watch TV without my tinnitus reacting and my ears distorting/tensing up, and the ringing was loud enough to make me unable to do much past sit on the couch or lay in bed in utter disbelief for hours at a time. This past weekend, I played acoustic guitars with friends, went to a flea market/antique mall, saw a movie at an indie theater (first time in a movie theater since COVID-19, used molded musician's earplugs & sat in the center avoiding the speakers, had a blast), spent an afternoon at a relatively crowded beach, and listened to many records and CDs on nice bookshelf speakers at an enjoyable volume. I couldn't have imagined doing any of that when I was only a couple months into onset.

Hang in there my friend, you got this! Dr. Shore' device is also a couple years out like you mentioned, so there is at least some hope for a treatment there, but as you've seen with the regenerative drugs, it's best not to put all your eggs in one basket. I am hoping it will give us some relief whenever it finally becomes available, but in the meantime I feel it's best to learn to live as if there will never be a treatment. Please feel free to reach out to all of us if you need someone to talk to or have any questions, there is a great community here for support.

Trying to hang in, and I thought I was getting there until Sunday incident when playing the tone generator to see if I hear high frequencies (15 kHz!). I sure do, but on unsafe levels, so I damaged my hearing further. I can't believe I did this. There is even a warning on the webpage (szynalski.com).

If you've already noticed an improvement, then that is a good sign. It ought to continue improving, provided you are careful in protecting your ears.

I agree with you about warning labels on power tools; that will eventually come but probably not for at least a few decades. Power tool manufacturers wouldn't want to voluntarily put a 'tinnitus warning label' on the boxes as they would worry that potential customers would read the warning as "This power tool may give you tinnitus." It needs to be a legal requirement so that all vendors do it.

I also agree that no one wants to talk about tinnitus. It is effectively an embarrassing subject. I have spoken to my family and friends about it and none of them barely knew a thing. They are all taking precautions now in the light of my experience. That gives me some comfort.

Take some comfort that many people you know have tinnitus, habituated and are living with it. Why can't that be you in the future too?

What you need to do is avoid loud noises at all costs, do not be embarrassed about protecting your ears and just let time pass - be patient. Most tend to feel better as the months progress.

I wrote this intro about 10 days ago and edited a bit today. Hard to say about improvements. Maybe in habituation, and given the reactive nature of my tinnitus, there were simply better moments when in quiet setting.

Maybe all this contributed to your hearing problems in the long run. The power tool incident, in my view, was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Something very particular, peculiar to hearing problems, is the loss of perspective about normal hearing perception. Let me explain. Maybe you think your hearing was "normal" up to the power tool incident, but it is also possible that your hearing slowly changed and deteriorated without your noticing, since ears may be blocked, or hearing loss may lurk and progress without the person noticing much until there is a single incident that triggers a bigger change, and then one does notice.

Some people do not recognise severe hyperacusis immediately because, ironically, a brief noise exposure triggers muffled hearing for weeks and weeks and when the muffled hearing subsides, the "clear" hearing that results is NOT the same hearing the person had prior to the muffling. The person just lost perspective due to weeks with muffled hearing without being able to experience how crystal clear sounds are normally perceived.

Maybe. I went to a few really loud concerts in my early 20s, particularly a Metallica one. Never had issues, not even temporary ringing. I am sure the event with power tool "broke the camel's back", but I am 100% confident I wasn't anywhere close if it wasn't for the dramatic level of acoustic trauma. There is one factor that contributed - I had full sinuses. I was somewhat sick for 10 days week before the event. COVID-19 negative, but the test could have been unreliable. I am sure that alone did not cause it, but it fooled me into thinking the power tool wasn't too loud. I bet the tool was 100-120 dB. It was metal on metal hammering. Under a car! I am an idiot.

I'm so sorry you have been hit with this shit that is tinnitus, @gameover. I just wanted to add I understand completely how you feel and I have had all the same thoughts you expressed during my 15 months with tinnitus. You are not alone. For me, I didn't really start feeling better mentally until almost a year in. I have anxiety and obsessive tendencies that don't mix well with tinnitus.

I completely agree that no one ever talks about it and I don't understand why. I found out almost an entire year in that my uncle got tinnitus about 5 months before me the exact same way I did (child scream in ear). Had I known, I certainly would have protected my ears around my newborn.

Regardless, I wanted to make sure I replied to tell you that you didn't do anything wrong. Most of the population does not wear hearing protection and they do not develop tinnitus. You did something that countless others have done many times and never will have any issues. When they perform studies on animals and induce tinnitus using sound/medication, not all of the animals actually get tinnitus even though they are all exposed to the same exact thing in a super controlled environment. It's just something in individuals that causes your brain to react with tinnitus. I am telling you this to help you understand that you need to forgive yourself. You chose not to use hearing protection because of the information you had at the time. It is not your fault you didn't know tinnitus was even a possible consequence. As humans we are going to make mistakes. It is a guarantee that it will happen in life. Give yourself some grace.

Tinnitus has completely changed the way I view life. Even though I never even thought about it before, my health was never guaranteed in this life. Something could have happened at any time. So I got tinnitus, and a bunch of other people got their own issues. I have learned to cherish the moments, small things, and things to be grateful for. It's cliche and sounds stupid but it has really helped me start clawing out of my pit of despair. For example, I'm thankful I can even hear my son's laugh and see his face when he smiles. I'm thankful I can feel the sunshine warm my skin. I'm thankful I can walk my dog. I literally go down to the most basic things to be grateful for. This isn't meant to minimize your suffering - but perhaps it will help you get through your day to day in spite of your suffering with tinnitus.

It doesn't hurt to be cautiously hopeful. For most people, it really does get better with time. Despite many setbacks, I started seeing very small improvement about a month ago. Treatments are coming to help. My best advice is to do your very best to find the joy in your day for the present with the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Taking it day by day has really made a difference for me mentally as well.

You can do this. I recommend custom hearing protection, especially with your misophonia. Protect your ears when necessary and distract yourself as much as possible for now. I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, but I did do wrong. First the tool, then the tone generator. I try to blame the world for not warning me, but I should have known. And certainly about the generator after spending 3 months on this forum.

I want to hang in, but it's excruciatingly hard now. I just wish for my moderate-severe tinnitus from two days ago. And I am now paralyzed by fear it will keep getting worse, just as it did in the beginning. It started really mild 4-5 days ago after the original trauma. It took me two months before I wasn't able to work.

I really, really feel it's game over this time, hence my screen name.

I feel precisely the same about CBT.

I would, however, still be very appreciative if you would please describe in slightly more detail what this "CBT Counseling" consisted of and why it felt insulting. I am interested in why it has been such a failure for so many.

It was a joke. Initially it was just a venue for me to vent to tell him my story. I can do that better by just talking to my friends.

He just had nothing to offer. When I asked him: "ok, I have tinnitus, I have depression. I am being offered tips what to do: exercise, focusing on other tasks, why am I not really willing to do these?". He had no answers. He suggested doing one pleasurable thing a day, and one task a day, and keeping a calendar we could review. Are you kidding me?

Then other stuff "you do not know if future we will bad", etc. Sure I don't, except it is already worse as I feared (the damn tone generator two days ago really messed me up, my fault).

Actually I had one session with @Dr. Hubbard as well. Not much better. He was much more sympathetic, but started lecturing me about tinnitus like I did not read everything about it by now. And stages of habituation. It really did not help. And I could get the vibe from him he recognized I am not a good candidate - you need to be already on the path of acceptance. In which case I think you'll gonna get better CBT or not.

It just boils down to volume. I admit I wish I was where I was two days ago. I started maybe accepting/habituating. My new level - which is not that much higher, but higher still - feels truly debilitating.

---------------

And to clarify my timeline, it is 3 months and over a week for me since the original trauma. I was mostly fine for the first 3 weeks or so, even with the mild tinnitus. I slept perfect. 7-8 hours as always (never had sleep problems). Then I went to see an ENT who confirmed hearing loss. I had my first nervous breakdown and cried for the first time in probably 35+ years. Things started going downhill from there.

Month 2 was tough, but I was mostly hanging in but started loosing sleep. I slept 2-3 hours a day.

In month 3 my sleep has been improving gradually, up to 6-7 hours even.

In month 4, I was becoming resigned but used to the situation. Now the tone generator trauma messed up everything and is really pushing me towards the edge.

And I was protecting myself outside, etc. And I read the warning threads by @Bill Bauer and @Brian Newman. I should have known better.

And I realize it can be worse, much worse, with severe pain hyperacusis, as some people here have. It's unfathomable. I have no doubt now that tinnitus and hyperacusis, separately and especially together are the absolutely worst kind of suffering what a human can be subjected to.

And one last bit, no sure if it matters. My tinnitus sound is either ringing or static/hiss. Not a pure tone, except some short fleeting episodes. Frankly, pure tone seems worse. I suppose given the wide range of my hearing damage it makes sense - several neurons/cells are damaged so the erratic firing happens on a wider spectrum, not a narrow one.

And who knows, indeed my real high frequency (>8 kHz) hearing might have been deteriorating for a long time due to all the "normal" noise exposure. I remember years ago doing a test with my wife and kids, where I don't think I heard anything at 15 kHz level, while they could. This was done at least at safe volume level.

And I indeed wonder how much my misophonia was the canary in a mine of these issues.

 

[Jammer]

@gameover, I can relate a 100% to what you're dealing with and feeling because it sounds like my tinnitus journey. In my youth I was a concert-goer, listened to heavy metal in my room every day and when I got older, I rode motorcycles, both dirt and street, for the 30 years.

I had a great career as a medical device engineer/senior manufacturing engineer and I loved the work. I bought a home, have a great wife and son and have two wonderful grandchildren. I developed what I would now consider mild tinnitus when I was 42. After struggling for 6-12 months, I finally habituated and got on with life for the next 15 years, until I was exposed to a pneumatic hammer drill while at work. I wasn't using the hammer drill and I had earplugs in, but the 15 minutes that I was exposed to it, eventually caused catastrophic level tinnitus/hyperacusis that I've had for the past 7 years.

Everyone here on this forum has a different, unique tinnitus experience. And most of us had never heard of tinnitus until we suffered from it. The only thing that kept me alive is the love of my wife and children. Finally accepting this neverending horrific torment has brought me a measure of peace, if you can call it that.

It is a constant struggle. If possible, I hope that you will get better and come to a place where acceptance lives.

 

[gameover]

@gameover, I can relate a 100% to what you're dealing with and feeling because it sounds like my tinnitus journey. In my youth I was a concert-goer, listened to heavy metal in my room every day and when I got older, I rode motorcycles, both dirt and street, for the 30 years.

I had a great career as a medical device engineer/senior manufacturing engineer and I loved the work. I bought a home, have a great wife and son and have two wonderful grandchildren. I developed what I would now consider mild tinnitus when I was 42. After struggling for 6-12 months, I finally habituated and got on with life for the next 15 years, until I was exposed to a pneumatic hammer drill while at work. I wasn't using the hammer drill and I had earplugs in, but the 15 minutes that I was exposed to it, eventually caused catastrophic level tinnitus/hyperacusis that I've had for the past 7 years.

Everyone here on this forum has a different, unique tinnitus experience. And most of us had never heard of tinnitus until we suffered from it. The only thing that kept me alive is the love of my wife and children. Finally accepting this neverending horrific torment has brought me a measure of peace, if you can call it that.

It is a constant struggle. If possible, I hope that you will get better and come to a place where acceptance lives.

@Jammer, thank you. I have learnt about you pretty well, just like I did about many people present (and no longer present) on this forum. Truly heartbreaking.

Not to compare, but looks like you got early warning, and managed to get a decent 15 years after the onset. "Lucky" you. Your son got to start family and become independent. That's a big relief. My youngest is in high school still. It so breaks my heart. Honestly if I was in my 60s and this happened, it would have been much, much easier to deal with and accept, including accepting death. I don't know if my tinnitus is catastrophic, probably not yet and just severe (as I said no longer maskable by shower), but I feel I am just one more mishap away from the worst.

Speaking of people's stories. I really wonder about the "departed" members of this forum. Did they truly get better and never reported back? Or they passed away, maybe taking their lives, without letting this community know? And all these deaths chalked up to "mental illness". So unfair. It's not damn mental illness, it's a torture in your head!!!

I was asked by an admin to be sure to report if I ever get better. I can promise I will. Likewise, if I need to end it, I will let you know as well. If I disappear, you can assume that for some reason I lost access to the Internet/computer permanently, either because I was incapacitated in or died in an unrelated accident.

I truly wish I could just never wake up or die due to a heart attack. My heart feels so broken, so heavy, it almost feels it is possible... So I could go without the stigma of doing it myself. I am too afraid to do it myself. Yet. Still hoping.

 

[Jammer]

@Jammer, thank you. I have learnt about you pretty well, just like I did about many people present (and no longer present) on this forum. Truly heartbreaking.

Not to compare, but looks like you got early warning, and managed to get a decent 15 years after the onset. "Lucky" you. Your son got to start family and become independent. That's a big relief. My youngest is in high school still. It so breaks my heart. Honestly if I was in my 60s and this happened, it would have been much, much easier to deal with and accept, including accepting death. I don't know if my tinnitus is catastrophic, probably not yet and just severe (as I said no longer maskable by shower), but I feel I am just one more mishap away from the worst.

Speaking of people's stories. I really wonder about the "departed" members of this forum. Did they truly get better and never reported back? Or they passed away, maybe taking their lives, without letting this community know? And all these deaths chalked up to "mental illness". So unfair. It's not damn mental illness, it's a torture in your head!!!

I was asked by an admin to be sure to report if I ever get better. I can promise I will. Likewise, if I need to end it, I will let you know as well. If I disappear, you can assume that for some reason I lost access to the Internet/computer permanently, either because I was incapacitated in or died in an unrelated accident.

I truly wish I could just never wake up or die due to a heart attack. My heart feels so broken, so heavy, it almost feels it is possible... So I could go without the stigma of doing it myself. I am too afraid to do it myself. Yet. Still hoping.

I am a lucky man due to my late onset. It's truly a shame how many young 20 something's come on to this forum with severe tinnitus. I've told my story to many people and there is no understanding of how tinnitus can completely ruin a life; only those with it can understand.

Friends have stopped by, after telling them about my tinnitus and how I had to stop work and live like a hermit and how it has stomped dead my enjoyment of life, and they assume I'm better when I greet them at the door, "You look good, do you still have the tinnitus?" they ask. I tell them no improvement, only getting worse... and they have stopped coming by. Texting is now how we remain in infrequent contact.

I've also had your same wishes to never wake up or die due to a heart attack. I take it one day at a time since there is no other choice for me as I've failed twice trying to exit out of this hell. Family is the only thing keeping me here; the only reason I stay alive.

 

[billie48]

Welcome to the forum. I can identify and have deep empathy with your sufferings because I was where you are when my ultra high-pitched tinnitus first hit me, followed by severe hyperacusis. Being a victim of anxiety and panic disorder plus PTSD due to the sudden tragedy of losing my young son in a freak accident, my nerves were much weakened to handle the sudden onset of tinnitus and hyperacusis. Relentless anxiety and panic attacks were happening to me daily. It was a total nightmare that seemed to have no end.

Like many others during the initial, extremely traumatic period of sufferings, dark thoughts often dangled in front of the tired, sleepless, scared, confused and often depressed mind. I even checked out videos on stories of people with near death experience from suicide on YouTube. It is a one way ticket for those who couldn't make it back. But those who did miraculously return after a near death experience from suicide said they would never do it again, heaven or hell. Their stories convinced me I rather donate my body to my loved ones, and I would accept whatever sufferings tinnitus could bring. I chose to fight this bully on my feet while I am alive.

I began to look for guiding lights, people who had tinnitus worse than me, who somehow survived tinnitus and lived a normal life. I wanted to copy their success as much as I could back then. I wanted to learn their strategies and tried to copy them to apply on my own situation.

The first thing I noticed was that everyone takes TIME to get better, from 6 months to a few years. The strategies will help but not overnight. So patience and hope are needed to keep us hanging on the fight. I read many success stories to keep up the hope. To make the long story short, I began to look past the first year and try to tolerate the setbacks which are like the little bumps along the way of final recovery. I re-engaged with my life again as much as I could. I practice "Finding Joy Amidst the Pain" to balance out the sufferings. Then like others, I got better with time by following these helpful strategies. It isn't easy but my dear wife and my loved ones are worth the fight against this tinnitus bully.

When my tinnitus was new, I heard from others that our perception of tinnitus will change for the better over time. I wouldn't believe it initially. But after enough time has gone by, my brain began to not get traumatized by the ringing. What used to cause me relentless anxiety and panic attacks, no longer did. The brain somehow remained calm and composed and hardened to the ringing. I used to need masking non-stop, no longer. Habituation happened slowly but surely, even without my mental strength. Now I don't give a dime about tinnitus, high or low.

With this, tinnitus fades out of my consciousness most of the time, even with a loud jet-engine like tinnitus in my deaf left ear, and a ultra high-pitched dentist drill like tinnitus in my right ear. I never thought this would be possible during the toughest time. But it did happen despite my weakened nerves.

I hope you will look past this initial period and tell yourself that you will be fine in a year or two. So why fret about what tinnitus and hyperacusis will do on any given day. Hyperacusis will fade usually for most. I had it twice. At its worst, I couldn't even stand my wife's soft voice. Lol. But now I can do most things, even watching cinema movies. Those Star Wars and Avatar movies aren't really quiet. If needed, I wear earplugs or just use my fingers. Lol.

So don't give up hope. Hang in there. If my success story can help you, please check it out or re-read it as those strategies I share there really can help, if not instantly, definitely over time. The trick is to have the pre-frontal cortex replacing the amygdala in processing the tinnitus stimulus. Trying to relax, to remain positive and to have hope will cause your brain to eventually make the switch from the limbic nerves to the parasympathetic nerves, the pre-frontal cortex over the amygdala. I explain these changes more in detail in my success story.

Take good care. God bless your recovery.

From Darkness to Light, How I Recovered from Tinnitus & Hyperacusis

 

[Frank Simard]

I keep re-reading my overly long post. The last paragraph... will I find enough strength to continue living for my loved ones? All the while becoming burden on them? If it wasn't for my loving wife, I can't believe I would be still here. And my kids. It's beyond gut wrenching to think what it would do to them.

I should clarify, my hearing loss is 40 dB at 6 kHz and 50-55 dB at 8 kHz, and probably gets worse beyond that. I am screwed.

Man, I went thru the same. Hearing aids improved my life a whole lot. Don't hesitate! Signia hearing aids are very good with four different amplification settings and masking sounds. I have waves in my right ear and it's very distracting and comfortable to the ear. Life is much better now.

 

[Juan]

There is one factor that contributed - I had full sinuses. I was somewhat sick for 10 days week before the event. COVID-19 negative, but the test could have been unreliable.

That sounds pretty bad, as it alters hearing perception and the way our ears cope with loud sound. I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[gameover]

Welcome to the forum. I can identify and have deep empathy with your sufferings because I was where you are when my ultra high-pitched tinnitus first hit me, followed by severe hyperacusis. Being a victim of anxiety and panic disorder plus PTSD due to the sudden tragedy of losing my young son in a freak accident, my nerves were much weakened to handle the sudden onset of tinnitus and hyperacusis. Relentless anxiety and panic attacks were happening to me daily. It was a total nightmare that seemed to have no end.

Like many others during the initial, extremely traumatic period of sufferings, dark thoughts often dangled in front of the tired, sleepless, scared, confused and often depressed mind. I even checked out videos on stories of people with near death experience from suicide on YouTube. It is a one way ticket for those who couldn't make it back. But those who did miraculously return after a near death experience from suicide said they would never do it again, heaven or hell. Their stories convinced me I rather donate my body to my loved ones, and I would accept whatever sufferings tinnitus could bring. I chose to fight this bully on my feet while I am alive.

I began to look for guiding lights, people who had tinnitus worse than me, who somehow survived tinnitus and lived a normal life. I wanted to copy their success as much as I could back then. I wanted to learn their strategies and tried to copy them to apply on my own situation.

The first thing I noticed was that everyone takes TIME to get better, from 6 months to a few years. The strategies will help but not overnight. So patience and hope are needed to keep us hanging on the fight. I read many success stories to keep up the hope. To make the long story short, I began to look past the first year and try to tolerate the setbacks which are like the little bumps along the way of final recovery. I re-engaged with my life again as much as I could. I practice "Finding Joy Amidst the Pain" to balance out the sufferings. Then like others, I got better with time by following these helpful strategies. It isn't easy but my dear wife and my loved ones are worth the fight against this tinnitus bully.

When my tinnitus was new, I heard from others that our perception of tinnitus will change for the better over time. I wouldn't believe it initially. But after enough time has gone by, my brain began to not get traumatized by the ringing. What used to cause me relentless anxiety and panic attacks, no longer did. The brain somehow remained calm and composed and hardened to the ringing. I used to need masking non-stop, no longer. Habituation happened slowly but surely, even without my mental strength. Now I don't give a dime about tinnitus, high or low.

With this, tinnitus fades out of my consciousness most of the time, even with a loud jet-engine like tinnitus in my deaf left ear, and a ultra high-pitched dentist drill like tinnitus in my right ear. I never thought this would be possible during the toughest time. But it did happen despite my weakened nerves.

I hope you will look past this initial period and tell yourself that you will be fine in a year or two. So why fret about what tinnitus and hyperacusis will do on any given day. Hyperacusis will fade usually for most. I had it twice. At its worst, I couldn't even stand my wife's soft voice. Lol. But now I can do most things, even watching cinema movies. Those Star Wars and Avatar movies aren't really quiet. If needed, I wear earplugs or just use my fingers. Lol.

So don't give up hope. Hang in there. If my success story can help you, please check it out or re-read it as those strategies I share there really can help, if not instantly, definitely over time. The trick is to have the pre-frontal cortex replacing the amygdala in processing the tinnitus stimulus. Trying to relax, to remain positive and to have hope will cause your brain to eventually make the switch from the limbic nerves to the parasympathetic nerves, the pre-frontal cortex over the amygdala. I explain these changes more in detail in my success story.

Take good care. God bless your recovery.

From Darkness to Light, How I Recovered from Tinnitus & Hyperacusis

Thank you @billie48. As I wrote in my opening post, you must be a saint. I don't know how you do it. I just do not see this being possible for me.

Man, I went thru the same. Hearing aids improved my life a whole lot. Don't hesitate! Signia hearing aids are very good with four different amplification settings and masking sounds. I have waves in my right ear and it's very distracting and comfortable to the ear. Life is much better now.

I tried hearing aids after a month, but they did not do anything (Oticon). I am scheduled to meet a more qualified (in tinnitus) audiologist next week, I may try them again.

I really can't cope. It's after 1 pm here and I can't get up from bed. Everything seems impossible.

Maybe I should try Zoloft? That's one prescription I have.

 

[gameover]

That sounds pretty bad, as it alters hearing perception and the way our ears cope with loud sound. I hope things improve for you soon.

Yes, I really think this was what screwed me. I'd have stopped otherwise

 

[Forever hopeful]

Thank you, everyone.

Trying to hang in, and I thought I was getting there until Sunday incident when playing the tone generator to see if I hear high frequencies (15 kHz!). I sure do, but on unsafe levels, so I damaged my hearing further. I can't believe I did this. There is even a warning on the webpage (szynalski.com).

I wrote this intro about 10 days ago and edited a bit today. Hard to say about improvements. Maybe in habituation, and given the reactive nature of my tinnitus, there were simply better moments when in quiet setting.

Maybe. I went to a few really loud concerts in my early 20s, particularly a Metallica one. Never had issues, not even temporary ringing. I am sure the event with power tool "broke the camel's back", but I am 100% confident I wasn't anywhere close if it wasn't for the dramatic level of acoustic trauma. There is one factor that contributed - I had full sinuses. I was somewhat sick for 10 days week before the event. COVID-19 negative, but the test could have been unreliable. I am sure that alone did not cause it, but it fooled me into thinking the power tool wasn't too loud. I bet the tool was 100-120 dB. It was metal on metal hammering. Under a car! I am an idiot.

Thank you, but I did do wrong. First the tool, then the tone generator. I try to blame the world for not warning me, but I should have known. And certainly about the generator after spending 3 months on this forum.

I want to hang in, but it's excruciatingly hard now. I just wish for my moderate-severe tinnitus from two days ago. And I am now paralyzed by fear it will keep getting worse, just as it did in the beginning. It started really mild 4-5 days ago after the original trauma. It took me two months before I wasn't able to work.

I really, really feel it's game over this time, hence my screen name.

It was a joke. Initially it was just a venue for me to vent to tell him my story. I can do that better by just talking to my friends.

He just had nothing to offer. When I asked him: "ok, I have tinnitus, I have depression. I am being offered tips what to do: exercise, focusing on other tasks, why am I not really willing to do these?". He had no answers. He suggested doing one pleasurable thing a day, and one task a day, and keeping a calendar we could review. Are you kidding me?

Then other stuff "you do not know if future we will bad", etc. Sure I don't, except it is already worse as I feared (the damn tone generator two days ago really messed me up, my fault).

Actually I had one session with @Dr. Hubbard as well. Not much better. He was much more sympathetic, but started lecturing me about tinnitus like I did not read everything about it by now. And stages of habituation. It really did not help. And I could get the vibe from him he recognized I am not a good candidate - you need to be already on the path of acceptance. In which case I think you'll gonna get better CBT or not.

It just boils down to volume. I admit I wish I was where I was two days ago. I started maybe accepting/habituating. My new level - which is not that much higher, but higher still - feels truly debilitating.

---------------

And to clarify my timeline, it is 3 months and over a week for me since the original trauma. I was mostly fine for the first 3 weeks or so, even with the mild tinnitus. I slept perfect. 7-8 hours as always (never had sleep problems). Then I went to see an ENT who confirmed hearing loss. I had my first nervous breakdown and cried for the first time in probably 35+ years. Things started going downhill from there.

Month 2 was tough, but I was mostly hanging in but started loosing sleep. I slept 2-3 hours a day.

In month 3 my sleep has been improving gradually, up to 6-7 hours even.

In month 4, I was becoming resigned but used to the situation. Now the tone generator trauma messed up everything and is really pushing me towards the edge.

And I was protecting myself outside, etc. And I read the warning threads by @Bill Bauer and @Brian Newman. I should have known better.

And I realize it can be worse, much worse, with severe pain hyperacusis, as some people here have. It's unfathomable. I have no doubt now that tinnitus and hyperacusis, separately and especially together are the absolutely worst kind of suffering what a human can be subjected to.

And one last bit, no sure if it matters. My tinnitus sound is either ringing or static/hiss. Not a pure tone, except some short fleeting episodes. Frankly, pure tone seems worse. I suppose given the wide range of my hearing damage it makes sense - several neurons/cells are damaged so the erratic firing happens on a wider spectrum, not a narrow one.

And who knows, indeed my real high frequency (>8 kHz) hearing might have been deteriorating for a long time due to all the "normal" noise exposure. I remember years ago doing a test with my wife and kids, where I don't think I heard anything at 15 kHz level, while they could. This was done at least at safe volume level.

And I indeed wonder how much my misophonia was the canary in a mine of these issues.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've had tinnitus on and off for years. Generally speaking, it always improved or went away - before I developed this bilateral tinnitus that would come and go. I have had periods where it was really loud and annoying. And then where I barely noticed it.

Then I went to an outdoor concert with what I thought was double ear protection but I had to remove the overhead earmuffs as I could feel the drum through my body and didn't want to have any bone conduction hearing loss. So I had my custom-made nonfiltered hearing protection in the highest attenuation. I can tell you that my ears have been worse since then. This was last September. My husband, who also has tinnitus, went without ear protection and said it wasn't even that loud.

There were a few months that I thought it was actually getting better around Christmas time and early winter and then I ended up right back where I started from.

I don't know if part of it is that I've been under a lot of stress lately. My father just died and a friend just died. I have all these medical issues and I've been under a lot of stress. I have also not been able to sleep due to the new medication I've been on for 12 weeks which interacts with sleep meds. Probably a confluence of all of that.

Mine is very high frequency and sounds like I have two bandsaws going off in my head. I don't know how I would ever habituate to this. I guess I'll just be a Clonazepam addict. It's the only thing that takes the edge off when it gets really bad.

 

[gameover]

@Forever hopeful, thank you. Sorry to hear about your father and friend. I'm familiar with bits of your story, I've read many of your posts.

It seems once hearing is damaged, that's it. We cannot live normally it seems. If it meant just giving concerts, that would be not a big deal for me (though I loved music and liked going to concerts, I think the last one was King Crimson before COVID-19, what a magnificent event). It seems I need to give up everything: going to restaurants, traveling, etc. This is beyond depressing. As if COVID-19 imposed isolation/limitations wasn't enough. Now it seems I am condemned for the rest of my life.

If it was just the noise of tinnitus, but it is so much more In theory I should be able to work remotely (my employer offers, at least for the time being, such on option) and I am software engineer, so such jobs should be available. Right now I am unable to resume working in my mental state. Even if I do, it will be just a sad existence, I guess for the sake of my loved ones.

I just cannot shake off the guilt of what I have done. I had a basically perfect life. Destroyed it with one idiotic decision doing something that was not even urgent or necessary.

 

[Joe Cuber]

Hey @gameover, I just wanted to say I read your story and a lot of it resonates with me. I too have a family I love--a wife, two children (8 and 10), and a dog. Though, to the best of my understanding, my tinnitus wasn't noise-induced, it came on suddenly one night. I quickly tailspun into high anxiety and depression over the coming weeks as I began to realize that it wasn't going away. The noise was so intrusive I couldn't concentrate on work, and I was getting 2-3 hours a night. I also quickly advanced into suicidal ideation that was so compelling that I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I wanted to tell you some similarities in order to give you some hope. My tinnitus at times is louder than the shower, but mostly these days it does not get that loud. I've had it for a little over a year now, and I can say that it has improved, albeit quite slowly. What I wanted to tell you is that mine got a hell of a lot worse before it improved. At 2 months in, the intensity was quite high. The reactivity that I experienced was at it's peak. Any small noise of a certain type (fans, car sounds, etc.) would set it off, and it was quite unbearable. By about 6 months in, my reactivity started to abate, and my volume of my main tinnitus on it's loudest days started to drop. Today, I would say that, overall, it's about half the strength than it was at its peak.

At around 6 months, I also started turning toward acceptance, which was a game-changer for me. Fast forward to today, I'm fully accepted. My anxiety is at an all time low. My main tinnitus is still super annoying, but it doesn't take center stage for most of the day, and I sleep and work normally again. And my reactivity is just a sliver of what it used to be.

I hope that you experience a similar improvement or better in the coming weeks for you.

One thing that I wanted to mention to you too, and also to @DaveFromChicago is that I took a 6-week group CBT course as an out-patient (after leaving the psychiatric hospital). For me, CBT worked, but in a specific way. Before tinnitus, I had unknowingly been living a life of high anxiety without ever recognizing it (I didn't even know what anxiety really was, so hilarious looking back now). It all stemmed from years of childhood trauma that paved my approach to seeing the world and myself.

With the onset of my tinnitus, I had no means to cope with a world that was collapsing around me. I didn't have the language to describe the anxiety that was crippling me and the depression that had developed. I needed serious help. CBT gave me the language to understand how I was perceiving the world and myself, and the tools to address my anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and even my reaction to my tinnitus. I don't regard CBT as a solution to tinnitus. I just see it as a tool that I needed to pull myself out of the serious nose-dive that I found myself in--a course that had started since childhood.

The biggest CBT lesson I've learned of the several that have served me well is the notion of cognitive distortions (things like all-or-nothing thinking, mental filtering, catastrophizing, should statements, personalization). These were all novel to me, as I've said, since I was ignorant to anything remotely related to mental health. I don't mean to lecture if cognitive distortions is something you're familiar with, but hearing about them set off a lightbulb for me, as I recognized quite a few distortions in myself that regularly employed as coping mechanisms my whole life. The rest of CBT helped me recognize these distortions and reframe my thinking to create a more balanced point of view.

Anyway, to hear that CBT was a waste for you is completely understandable. I'm not hear to advocate for it, but just to tell you my own experience with it.

 

[Buddy123]

@gameover, when I read your post, I was in tears, as if you stole the words right out of my mouth. I went thru almost the very same experience (and emotions) that you're having now (for me starting about 6 months ago). We need to get through this together. I'm barely coming out of the woods.

 

[gameover]

Hey @gameover, I just wanted to say I read your story and a lot of it resonates with me. I too have a family I love--a wife, two children (8 and 10), and a dog. Though, to the best of my understanding, my tinnitus wasn't noise-induced, it came on suddenly one night. I quickly tailspun into high anxiety and depression over the coming weeks as I began to realize that it wasn't going away. The noise was so intrusive I couldn't concentrate on work, and I was getting 2-3 hours a night. I also quickly advanced into suicidal ideation that was so compelling that I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I wanted to tell you some similarities in order to give you some hope. My tinnitus at times is louder than the shower, but mostly these days it does not get that loud. I've had it for a little over a year now, and I can say that it has improved, albeit quite slowly. What I wanted to tell you is that mine got a hell of a lot worse before it improved. At 2 months in, the intensity was quite high. The reactivity that I experienced was at it's peak. Any small noise of a certain type (fans, car sounds, etc.) would set it off, and it was quite unbearable. By about 6 months in, my reactivity started to abate, and my volume of my main tinnitus on it's loudest days started to drop. Today, I would say that, overall, it's about half the strength than it was at its peak.

At around 6 months, I also started turning toward acceptance, which was a game-changer for me. Fast forward to today, I'm fully accepted. My anxiety is at an all time low. My main tinnitus is still super annoying, but it doesn't take center stage for most of the day, and I sleep and work normally again. And my reactivity is just a sliver of what it used to be.

I hope that you experience a similar improvement or better in the coming weeks for you.

One thing that I wanted to mention to you too, and also to @DaveFromChicago is that I took a 6-week group CBT course as an out-patient (after leaving the psychiatric hospital). For me, CBT worked, but in a specific way. Before tinnitus, I had unknowingly been living a life of high anxiety without ever recognizing it (I didn't even know what anxiety really was, so hilarious looking back now). It all stemmed from years of childhood trauma that paved my approach to seeing the world and myself.

With the onset of my tinnitus, I had no means to cope with a world that was collapsing around me. I didn't have the language to describe the anxiety that was crippling me and the depression that had developed. I needed serious help. CBT gave me the language to understand how I was perceiving the world and myself, and the tools to address my anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and even my reaction to my tinnitus. I don't regard CBT as a solution to tinnitus. I just see it as a tool that I needed to pull myself out of the serious nose-dive that I found myself in--a course that had started since childhood.

The biggest CBT lesson I've learned of the several that have served me well is the notion of cognitive distortions (things like all-or-nothing thinking, mental filtering, catastrophizing, should statements, personalization). These were all novel to me, as I've said, since I was ignorant to anything remotely related to mental health. I don't mean to lecture if cognitive distortions is something you're familiar with, but hearing about them set off a lightbulb for me, as I recognized quite a few distortions in myself that regularly employed as coping mechanisms my whole life. The rest of CBT helped me recognize these distortions and reframe my thinking to create a more balanced point of view.

Anyway, to hear that CBT was a waste for you is completely understandable. I'm not hear to advocate for it, but just to tell you my own experience with it.

@Joe Cuber, thank you for sharing. Good to hear you're seeing some improvement. It is crazy to think for some like yourself it happened out of nowhere. I don't know what is better. I have myself to blame. Who can you blame? Glad to hear CBT worked for you to some extent. I guess I just refuse to really try it - replacing "distorted thoughts" with positive ones, etc. I don't seem to be able to commit. I tried the Back to Silence methods couple times (for a few days each time), I don't know if it helped. Rather, I was able to find some hope within myself, so I actually started doing it. It wasn't the cause, but an effect.

@gameover, when I read your post, I was in tears, as if you stole the words right out of my mouth. I went thru almost the very same experience (and emotions) that you're having now (for me starting about 6 months ago). We need to get through this together. I'm barely coming out of the woods.

@Buddy123, so sorry to hear it. Thank you. Share your story. You haven't posted much. Beautiful (and sad) dog in your avatar.

 

[tniuf]

If it was just the noise of tinnitus, but it is so much more In theory I should be able to work remotely (my employer offers, at least for the time being, such on option) and I am software engineer, so such jobs should be available. Right now I am unable to resume working in my mental state. Even if I do, it will be just a sad existence, I guess for the sake of my loved ones.

Consider getting the remote work from your employer, you might find that your days are more bearable with whatever distraction provided by your job. Do you have any national parks close to you? These should at least help with anxiety.

 

[gameover]

Consider getting the remote work from your employer, you might find that your days are more bearable with whatever distraction provided by your job. Do you have any national parks close to you? These should at least help with anxiety.

I was thinking about resuming work, but I just do not feel able to. No national parks here, but there is nice town woods nearby (need to drive 7-10 minutes), where I go for walks. I need to watch for dogs there, but there are not too many on weekdays.

I feel like I don't belong to the world. Just no longer compatible. Almost every sound is annoying, even if not too loud. I hate small planes that constantly keep flying over our house. There is some shithole airport nearby where these menaces fly out from. I did not mind them before. Trucks and motorcycles push me into spasms. I hate the cheap "luxury" refrigerator that came with the shitty house we bought that keeps making this see-saw noises (the constant noise I would not mind as much). I hate our cats stomping on the wooden stairs.

When I go out I hate looking at "happy" people. When I see crippled or lame people I envy them. I would trade the god damn noise and the devastation it did to my mind and my soul for that. People scold me when I say I'd rather have cancer. Fuck you, yes, I'd rather have cancer. I'd fight it, either win, delay death, or just die. At least there would be resolution. I can deal with pain. I had some painful illnesses. A serious case of Lyme 15+ years ago with super high fever. A serious flu pneumonia 6 years ago. This is different. To be honest, now it's more pain about mental pain than the noise itself. The noise kinda got lower since the Sunday spike. Yet, my soul hurts incredibly. I'd have taken damn antidepressants if it wasn't such a Russian roulette.

As a side note, I had a headache last night for the first time since tinnitus onset. I took Tylenol reading it is safe for tinnitus. It did nothing, like usual for me. I always took Ibuprofen for headaches. I decided to take two pills of it and it helped and apparently without spiking tinnitus. So at least there is that. Broken soul, the tinnitus and headache was like it is too much. And to think the longer I live, the more suffering is inevitable.

 

[Joe Cuber]

@Joe Cuber, thank you for sharing. Good to hear you're seeing some improvement. It is crazy to think for some like yourself it happened out of nowhere. I don't know what is better. I have myself to blame. Who can you blame? Glad to hear CBT worked for you to some extent. I guess I just refuse to really try it - replacing "distorted thoughts" with positive ones, etc. I don't seem to be able to commit. I tried the Back to Silence methods couple times (for a few days each time), I don't know if it helped. Rather, I was able to find some hope within myself, so I actually started doing it. It wasn't the cause, but an effect.

Thanks @gameover, I do have some hypothesis on how mine started, but I don't have anyone in particular that I'd blame. I meant to mention to you that have age-related mild/moderate hearing loss in the high frequencies and have had an extremely faint hum for a long time that I never regarded as tinnitus (though an audiologist assures me that it was in fact tinnitus). Just prior to my onset, I had undergone several months of intense workplace stress. So my hypothesis is age-related hearing loss + stress.

Re: Back to Silence--yet another similarity I share with you. I too tried the Back to Silence method. I didn't succeed, but I credit it with putting me on the path to acceptance. It was around my 6-month mark when I tried the method, and it's what spurred me into an acceptance mode.

I feel like I don't belong to the world. Just no longer compatible.

I can totally relate, I felt that way for a long time. Based on many accounts I've read here and elsewhere, you're very likely to pull past this and look back at this as a low point.

 

[billie48]

And to think the longer I live, the more suffering is

Yes, the first few months for me was all hell and darkness. I couldn't see the end of the dark tunnel. So I made the mistake of projecting a catastrophic future full of sufferings. That thought sent chill through my spine and relentless panic attacks ruled my days and nights. For the first few months, I couldn't do anything much nor had I any interest in engaging with life. I was overwhelmed mentally and physically. Only by the use of benzos, antidepressants and sleeping pills would I be able to survive each long, dark day.

But it turns out the future isn't that bleak as I thought. Over time the strong traumatic, negative reaction to the ringing faded. I began to slowly go outside and re-experience life, one activity at a time, and one day at a time. The ringing was still loud and ultra high pitched. But it didn't bother me as much. I went on YouTube to search for videos of people who have to work in extra loud jobs, the flight attendants, drillers, miners, shop keepers in streets with very loud traffic etc. Many didn't have ear protection and work long shifts. I cranked up the volume of the noises to real life job environment. Those noises and machines were insanely loud, much more than tinnitus. I thought if people are willing to work long shifts in such loud noises and are happy to have the jobs to earn a living, why would I not accept the tinnitus which I could at least mask partially. If my life and the security plus happiness of my loving family is at stake, why can't I consider or imagine that I would be like the people with loud jobs, enduring my constant ringing as if it were my loud job.

I talked about this as an imperfect analogy in my success story. It isn't exactly alike. But the noise exposure can be much louder and worse for the flight attendants, drillers and miners. So accept the analogy or not? If not accepting this analogy means continuing to suffer mentally for life, or even 'X'ing myself in insanity, I choose to use this analogy or mental imagery to help me cope and later accept the ringing.

After all, I read that many people won't be bothered by the ringing in a year or 2. Tinnitus from acoustic trauma usually eases out in intensity when the ears heal and become stable over time. So I said, heck, I will accept this loud noise in my ears for a year or two as if it were my new job. After all, those people may have a loud job for life. This analogy sounds silly but believe me it has helped me to settle down my nerves tremendously by thinking this way. This works for me and I hope it will help others thinking this way. But I respect that each person may have to find ways that will work for them. At least, I read some authors of success stories quote that they use the same analogy to help them through their struggle.

My humble 2 cents.

 

[gameover]

Yes, the first few months for me was all hell and darkness. I couldn't see the end of the dark tunnel. So I made the mistake of projecting a catastrophic future full of sufferings. That thought sent chill through my spine and relentless panic attacks ruled my days and nights. For the first few months, I couldn't do anything much nor had I any interest in engaging with life. I was overwhelmed mentally and physically. Only by the use of benzos, antidepressants and sleeping pills would I be able to survive each long, dark day.

But it turns out the future isn't that bleak as I thought. Over time the strong traumatic, negative reaction to the ringing faded. I began to slowly go outside and re-experience life, one activity at a time, and one day at a time. The ringing was still loud and ultra high pitched. But it didn't bother me as much. I went on YouTube to search for videos of people who have to work in extra loud jobs, the flight attendants, drillers, miners, shop keepers in streets with very loud traffic etc. Many didn't have ear protection and work long shifts. I cranked up the volume of the noises to real life job environment. Those noises and machines were insanely loud, much more than tinnitus. I thought if people are willing to work long shifts in such loud noises and are happy to have the jobs to earn a living, why would I not accept the tinnitus which I could at least mask partially. If my life and the security plus happiness of my loving family is at stake, why can't I consider or imagine that I would be like the people with loud jobs, enduring my constant ringing as if it were my loud job.

I talked about this as an imperfect analogy in my success story. It isn't exactly alike. But the noise exposure can be much louder and worse for the flight attendants, drillers and miners. So accept the analogy or not? If not accepting this analogy means continuing to suffer mentally for life, or even 'X'ing myself in insanity, I choose to use this analogy or mental imagery to help me cope and later accept the ringing.

After all, I read that many people won't be bothered by the ringing in a year or 2. Tinnitus from acoustic trauma usually eases out in intensity when the ears heal and become stable over time. So I said, heck, I will accept this loud noise in my ears for a year or two as if it were my new job. After all, those people may have a loud job for life. This analogy sounds silly but believe me it has helped me to settle down my nerves tremendously by thinking this way. This works for me and I hope it will help others thinking this way. But I respect that each person may have to find ways that will work for them. At least, I read some authors of success stories quote that they use the same analogy to help them through their struggle.

My humble 2 cents.

I see where you are coming from. I never took solace in others' suffering or worse living conditions. Likewise, I did not envy much those who have better. I was happy with what I got. I was thankful for what I had. Health - I was lucky. Material things - I worked for it, and also had some good luck.

Loud jobs? If people have loud jobs - well I believe everyone (most?) has a choice. Many people do not mind noise. In fact majority of human race loves noise. Floods the world in noise. They revel in and relish noise. They hate when it's quiet. Like even my mother can't be in a quiet room for one minute. Me, I always loved silence.

Tinnitus + hyperacusis is just too much for me. I had misophonia and it bothered me. Now the annoyance is 100x worse. It's almost worse than tinintus.

Misophonia has been steadily getting worse for me over the years. Never improved. That makes me doubt in the healing power of passing time. I will see, but if it does not improve in few years, or tinnitus gets worse, I really think I will give up on living. This is beyond terrible, because I loved life. The life I have now is not worth living I feel.

 

[gameover]

My hands are tingling more and more! This is basically death sentence for me!

To recap:

1. Severe tinnitus
2. Loudness hyperacusis
3. Severe misophonia
4. Hand tingling
5. Eye floaters
6. Severe depression

And that's only beginning. How to find hope?

What is really, really shocking is how a happy person can go down the tubes so quickly. I guess something was lurking in me and was waiting for the right trigger. Tinnitus + hyperacusis seems like the most effective one to do this.

My mother has been depression prone, had few depression periods through her life, the latest caused by poor health (back pain, leg pain, limited mobility), still going on. On antidepressant drugs for years. The drugs/illness changed her personality, or more like magnified her bad traits. She is not accepting it. Like me not accepting this, I guess. She occasionally has better periods, but consistently relapses in depression.

Like tinnitus making me worse a person. Angry, irritable, hateful, resentful, impatient, lazy.

I just can't fucking believe it. One bad move and a person is fucked in the head. Worst nightmare imaginable, seriously. I really admire all the people who have overcome this. I would like to be such a person. I don't know how. Reveling in my own misery, writing all this on this forum, is probably not helpful. I wanted to focus on success stories, on positive encouragement from folks like @billie48 and others, but somehow this is not working. Again, maybe more time is needed.

I am also surprised how little traffic this forum gets. I understand not everyone is present here, and not everyone who visits the forum posts, but we must really be the elite suffering club. That's why hardly anyone gives a fuck. As someone wrote, if tinnitus was a more common result of the pandemic, we might have been looking at some relief now.

Anyhow, I really need to slow down posting. Sorry for spamming this forum so much.

 

[AndySomething]

Hey. I didn't read your wall of text as I'm sure many people didn't read my wall of text when I was in the depths of despair from tinnitus, but I'll say you will get through this and be fine.

For myself, it was a month by month little (psychological) improvements but I am basically fine and tinnitus is annoying and, yes, I feel I'd really rather not have that when I notice it but it's basically the way it is and tough luck.

But yeah, I know it's flippant, but in 6 months there's a good chance you'll more or less be okay.

I can even boil a kettle without being filled with dread so anything's possible.

Anyway, best of luck.

 

[Blackbird1016]

My story is this...

I got hearing loss and tinnitus from a loud power tool (air hammer) without hearing protection. I have no idea what made me so stupid that day. I was even looking for earmuffs, but did not have them with me at the garage (40 minutes away from home). Instead of running to bring a pair, I thought "this one time it will be okay". I had no idea what tinnitus is, maybe some vague recollection, but did not realize it could happen so quickly (well, it wasn't that quick - I probably spent between 5-10 minutes hammering). I always thought loud noise exposure leads to poor hearing "when you are old". What an idiot.

I am past my mid-40s, male, never having any hearing issues at all. I did not have an extensive history of loud noise exposure either, though there were some incidents. I liked to listen to loud music occasionally, typically in the car, but never overdid it (don't have custom loud stereos or such). As a teen/youngster I'd use Walkman a lot, but haven't in decades, really. When I was 8 years old, I fired my father's rifle accidentally inside our house. My father was a hunter and never used hearing protection, and never had hearing issues. He occasionally took me hunting and let me shoot (of course without hearing protection). When I was in my early 20s, I might have gone to a few loud concerts. But since then, for the past 20 years, I was always taking Etymotic earplugs with me to attend concerts, which I would maybe attend a couple every year (before COVID-19). While DYing at home, I'd use earmuffs while using a table saw, jackhammer or vibrating tool. Maybe not so when using a nail gun for wood trim work or drilling in wood. And never around cars indeed (loudest tool would be an impact gun, except the damn air hammer that I used maybe the 2nd time ever).

I am devastated by tinnitus. It's probably moderate on average, but can be severe. And actually now is after (idiot, again) I exposed myself to too loud high frequency noise while playing with a tone generator too loud. Shower no longer masks it. It's loud when I wake up, it used to go down after a while, but no longer. It used to be quieter when I am in a quiet room. It definitely is reactive tinnitus, certain sounds instantly aggravate it - e.g., boiling water in an electric kettle, or crushing a paper bag. I also have mild (?) hyperacusis. Sounds like plates or silverware are unpleasant.

I have had self-diagnosed misophonia for years, at least 10-15. People eating in office open space, or smacking their lips, or phones beeping would drive me mad. I wish had I read about tinnitus/hyperacusis when researching misophonia. Now this is 10x worse. Everything sounds louder (e.g., passing cars), and even if it does not spike tinnitus, it makes me very angry.

Tinnitus took like 4-5 days to develop after the trauma. It started faint in the left ear, and was gradually getting worse for next 2-3 weeks. It really started to feel bad after the first ENT visit at the 3 week mark. My left ear audiogram at 3 weeks after the trauma showed worse hearing loss (by 20 dB?). A week later, the loss evened out (right ear the same as the left ear). The tinnitus is mostly in the left ear still, but in the morning it seems to be inside the head. It's quite possible it has been getting better lately at around the 3 month mark.

My sleep was destroyed during the 2nd month - I slept like 2-3 hours. But it has been gradually improving over the last 3 weeks - I am getting 5-6 hours of sleep, sometimes with a break, sometimes in one stretch. I even had a night with 8 hours of sleep. Previously I was a super sleeper, I could sleep any amount of time, and was rarely disturbed. Initially, I tried Melatonin but it did not really work. I could fall asleep, but was waking up. I am not taking anything now, except Magnesium L-Threonate, and not very consistently.

I am also not taking any antidepressants. Too scared of making tinnitus/hyperacusis worse. I've been peddled those by my GP (first Trazodone and Zoloft, but nope, not taking those).

I tried CBT with a guy supposedly specializing in tinnitus patients affiliated with the top Ivy school in the U.S, but this is a waste of time and insulting to be honest. He has no clue (or maybe I don't, but it just does not work for me). Think "positively". So annoying.

My stress/anxiety is going down compared to month 2, but I am super depressed and crying a lot, more and more in random, even public situations. I never ever thought I'd suffer from depression. I never did. Not even close.

I just can't accept what I have done. I don't want to take my life, so far I'm too scared to do that, but that is likely to happen eventually. I loved life and had virtually everything I could dream of in my life: great health, loving wife, wonderful kids, great job, houses, cars, fair amount of money! Now - I'd give up literally everything for a cure. Or I would just want to never wake up again and be done with it.

I need tinnitus/hyperacusis to improve. Losing faith that time heals it, especially given my hearing loss. Damn scared of being out. I rarely drive, and wear earplugs when I do (which is sad since cars were my passion, and I have a few cool sports cars). I am waiting for custom molded musician earplugs, as I hate fumbling with the foam ones (struggling to get them seated right), and feel silicone ones offer marginal protection.

The fear of tinnitus getting worse due to random (normal level?) exposure is absolutely crippling me. How am I supposed to get dental work done? While I loved quiet surroundings, I loved to travel, go around, visit restaurants (I am a foodie), visit cities and parks/remote areas alike. I feel like my life is over and I need to become a hermit. I will go crazy and so will my wife with me.

Seems the only realistic hope is Dr. Shore's device. It can't come soon enough. Easily another 2 years if that, and getting access to it may be difficult. Everything else either is gone (Frequency Therapeutics, Otonomy), or is far away (XEN1101), or risky/unproven (stem cells).

This post is very long, too long. I am exceedingly traumatized. Tending to be overly protective, if I had had a slightest idea of tinnitus (and I should have), I'd never ever have done what I had. I'd be fine. Live a good life for many years to come, hopefully. I'd lower the volume of music in my car, and ditch headphones (hardly used those, anyway), take them away from kids and just warn anyone around me.

It is so f***ing ironic that what is the most inhumane, torturous, sadistic experience is so easily avoided, at least noise exposure/acoustic trauma wise. Yet, this dumb society will put warning labels about electrocution on extension cords, but would not put warning labels about tinnitus/hyperacusis on things like power tools, headphones or speakers. I truly hate this world for it. Sadly.

The worst part is that tinnitus sufferers do not talk about tinnitus. One of my best friends I have known for 6 years has had a virus induced tinnitus (loud, supposedly) for 30 years. He was habituated. And never told me! If he only did. My other friend I've known for 30 years, has had a mild tinnitus (cause unknown, he thinks it could be alcohol?) for 26 years. Never told me, either. My brother-in-law has had a tinnitus since childhood (antibiotic induced). My wife says she told me years ago. I forgot, I guess.

Literally a random man I asked during a walk in the woods (for the first time ever!) if he knows what tinnitus is, he tells me: "oh I have had it for 5 years and it is bad". Can you believe it? Like everyone around me seems to have tinnitus, but nobody warned me about it.

I was trying to find help in God, being religious and fairly observant Catholic for most of my life. God does not give a flying F about tinnitus, certainly not mine so far. Makes me doubt my faith (what the hell did I think?). The whole bullshit about suffering makes you a better person turns me off. I am a much worse, angrier, impatient person for it, and this probably can be felt in the tone of my post.

Now, I need to acknowledge the immense suffering and also compassion I see shown by overwhelmingly kind people on this forum (e.g., @billie48 must be a saint). It's truly a tragic place. I wish I found it in time and thus learned about tinnitus before I got it.

The biggest lesson I learned with this that I didn't quite understand is that the most important thing in life is... will to live. How one lives their lives is a secondary matter. It seems impossible to live if you don't feel like it. It's a painful, pointless, sorrowful existence of constant torture now.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Two months is not a long time in the tinnitus world.

Try not to lose hope. It can still improve. It is not considered chronic until 6 months and even then people have had it resolve after 12 months, 2 years.

Just protect your ears and balance that with enjoying life.

 

[yeezysqueezy]

Just wanted to pop in and encourage you to hang in there. You're in the very early stages and what you're feeling is normal. Just know that time will help but I know it seems impossible from your point of view right now. Lay low for 6 months (you can still do daily activities, wear earplugs if it feels too loud).

It's everyone's personal choice but I learned the hard way that when I first got tinnitus, I should've immediately said no more concerts or clubs. Get custom earplugs and wear them when you go to any place over 80 dB. Always have foam earplugs with you just in case the custom earplugs aren't enough and know how to insert them properly. And try your best not to take any ototoxic meds.

My initial tinnitus went away after a couple years and I'd probably be fine if I followed the above advice. My tinnitus came back and is a lot worse now because of mistakes I made. But I got used to it in a couple months just by not trying to run away from it and mask it all the time.

There is a 99% chance your tinnitus will improve and your brain will also get used to it but it takes time. Tinnitus can worsen for a couple months after trauma and that's normal. Eventually it will start to get better. Truly, just take it one day at a time right now. One hour at a time if you have to!