Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

[Hardwell]

@gameover, I think that's a great idea, seems like a good way to keep yourself busy and plan for the future! I know I certainly couldn't handle a car journey of anything longer than 40 minutes at present so I hope your ears are a bit more resilient than mine.

I don't know what you do for work but if it's not too noisy, hopefully you can return soon. It would provide you a great distraction. I don't think I have the same luxury, my work place is often between 85-120 dB. Very rarely is it in those higher levels depending on the job but sometimes they are just unavoidable. I don't feel comfortable returning to that environment with any level of hearing protection. So now I'm at a crossroads, what do you do when you've spent the last 10 years building a business you can't go back to?

And as for feeling like a downer, I'm exactly the same. I've not been able to go out, watch movies or TV with my partner for 5 weeks. She's very supportive and I hate the fact I feel like I'm sucking the life out of her too. Well today I took her out briefly, I hated it every minute of it, analysing all my surroundings for loud noises, getting angry at loud noise by other people out of my control and monitoring my tinnitus the whole time.

But I didn't let on to her that I wasn't enjoying it, I just pretended I was having a good time. Sometimes we just have to have these selfless moments and lie to ourselves. It's important to reciprocate the support we get from our loved ones.

I've noticed my depression is based mostly on me looking into the future, I'm thinking about all the things I believe I will never do now that I'm at this level. But the truth is I have no idea what the future holds. The anxiety of this getting even worse in the future is giving me a hard time in the present. I'm going to try and take it one day at a time from now on. Maybe you can relate and it might benefit you too?

 

[gameover]

Yeah, the future is terrifying, but so is present. Unable to enjoy anything.

The long trip is nutty, I can't move 1000 miles away from my family. The place 30 minutes away almost certainly will not work as it is near an outdoor gun range. That would drive me nuts. Need to keep hoping something sensible will show up on the market.

I have been trying to take one day at a time. Everyone tells me to do so. This is so unlike me. I always lived with my plans, dreams, projects - everything was about future! And I lived like this my entire life, and believe me, my dreams were coming true for the past ~40 years I've been doing it. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks

I am slightly more hopefully now with the tinnitus becoming somewhat more stable/lesser. I wonder how much is weather actually. The spring weather has been nice here.

Actually the question of climate vs. tinnitus is interesting. The reports are all over. I always liked desert and I wonder if moving far out west would be good (dryer climate). There is also the question of elevation and its impact on tinnitus. Again, people say contradicting things. Some feel better up high, some say it's better at the sea level... as usual, maybe highly individual.

 

[Jammer]

Yeah, the future is terrifying, but so is present. Unable to enjoy anything.

The long trip is nutty, I can't move 1000 miles away from my family. The place 30 minutes away almost certainly will not work as it is near an outdoor gun range. That would drive me nuts. Need to keep hoping something sensible will show up on the market.

I have been trying to take one day at a time. Everyone tells me to do so. This is so unlike me. I always lived with my plans, dreams, projects - everything was about future! And I lived like this my entire life, and believe me, my dreams were coming true for the past ~40 years I've been doing it. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks

I am slightly more hopefully now with the tinnitus becoming somewhat more stable/lesser. I wonder how much is weather actually. The spring weather has been nice here.

Actually the question of climate vs. tinnitus is interesting. The reports are all over. I always liked desert and I wonder if moving far out west would be good (dryer climate). There is also the question of elevation and its impact on tinnitus. Again, people say contradicting things. Some feel better up high, some say it's better at the sea level... as usual, maybe highly individual.

If the planets align correctly or if a full moon occurs, then my tinnitus rages. Or if a major tragedy occurs somewhere on the planet, then my tinnitus rages. Or if I read about if someone's tinnitus rages, then mine rages. Or if I chill and be still, then my tinnitus rages.

I really have not found true correlation when my tinnitus rages, to the point where I expect to rage since it's Tuesday. Tinnitus rages, yep it sure does.

I'd say to you that you're slowly getting better. Habituation is coming and things will improve. Time will continue to heal you as long as you remain mindful that you have hurt your ears and that they must be treated kindly. It's easy to forget about all the trauma we've experienced once we've habituated and go about living normal again.

We need to keep our damaged hearing in mind so as not to forget that we're one acoustic trauma away from longterm regret.

 

[gameover]

I'd say to you that you're slowly getting better. Habituation is coming and things will improve. Time will continue to heal you as long as you remain mindful that you have hurt your ears and that they must be treated kindly. It's easy to forget about all the trauma we've experienced once we've habituated and go about living normal again.

We need to keep our damaged hearing in mind so as not to forget that we're one acoustic trauma away from longterm regret.

I will never forget, no way.

I wonder if I am getting better. Hard to say really. But I am very, very tired. Don't want to do anything.

 

[Jammer]

I will never forget, no way.

I wonder if I am getting better. Hard to say really. But I am very, very tired. Don't want to do anything.

Great to remember, always.

You are tired because your brain is constantly aware of your tinnitus. Once habituation is in full swing, you should regain what tinnitus has stolen.

 

[Hardwell]

Actually the question of climate vs. tinnitus is interesting. The reports are all over. I always liked desert and I wonder if moving far out west would be good (dryer climate). There is also the question of elevation and its impact on tinnitus. Again, people say contradicting things. Some feel better up high, some say it's better at the sea level... as usual, maybe highly individual.

I might be wrong here, but the only thing I watch in regards to tinnitus is noise and medication. Everything else seems to be subjective to each person. I haven't changed up my diet at all or avoided any foods. I haven't thought about climates and wouldn't even give it a second thought in regards to tinnitus. The only thing I've done different is try certain supplements, even if I don't think for a second they have or will make any difference. But desperation and desperate measures.

I am slightly more hopefully now with the tinnitus becoming somewhat more stable/lesser. I wonder how much is weather actually. The spring weather has been nice here.

This is good news, no reason it shouldn't continue with this trajectory. Who knows, maybe you're like the vast majority of the population that gets tinnitus and it fades to an acceptable level to continue living!

I have to agree with @Jammer, although it's impossible for us to truly tell via text on the screen. I too have noticed that over the last few days, you appear to be in a better place, a bit more optimism and less negativity I've seen from you recently. Also the compassion I've seen you leave for other members who are struggling. This was not the characteristics you displayed when you first joined, so these all seem like positive steps. They might be such slight changes that you aren't noticing them in yourself.

Who knows, maybe you'll leave give us a name soon even if it's a pseudonym, just so we don't have to keep calling you gameover.

 

[gameover]

I checked out the house that's 0.5h from our current place. Quiet setting. Inside the house also quiet - forced air but decently quiet and good layout of the house. Bedrooms far away from the kitchen. Not a gun range nearby, just woods with apparently infrequent hunting.

Not sure what to do. But we could not move there full time for a few reasons, at least not yet. So more like 2nd house arrangement. I guess wife/kid would come on weekends. I could visit, too.

Pretty crazy. I know I am privileged to be able to afford (at least for now) this kinda setup, but I have no idea if that will really do me good. But it would be quiet. No more fucking trucks, motorbikes, or small planes.

 

[gameover]

I might be wrong here, but the only thing I watch in regards to tinnitus is noise and medication. Everything else seems to be subjective to each person. I haven't changed up my diet at all or avoided any foods. I haven't thought about climates and wouldn't even give it a second thought in regards to tinnitus. The only thing I've done different is try certain supplements, even if I don't think for a second they have or will make any difference. But desperation and desperate measures.

This is good news, no reason it shouldn't continue with this trajectory. Who knows, maybe you're like the vast majority of the population that gets tinnitus and it fades to an acceptable level to continue living!

I have to agree with @Jammer, although it's impossible for us to truly tell via text on the screen. I too have noticed that over the last few days, you appear to be in a better place, a bit more optimism and less negativity I've seen from you recently. Also the compassion I've seen you leave for other members who are struggling. This was not the characteristics you displayed when you first joined, so these all seem like positive steps. They might be such slight changes that you aren't noticing them in yourself.

Who knows, maybe you'll leave give us a name soon even if it's a pseudonym, just so we don't have to keep calling you gameover.

I don't know, @Hardwell. I am down. I am very tired. When I am tired I don't have the energy to be angry. Been always like that, even before tinnitus. The tinnitus is somewhat quieter and maybe even hyperacusis got less intrusive. I don't know, all this is fluctuating and fragile.

I really want to run. I am seriously considering buying a 2nd house so I can escape from where I am. I just need to stop hearing other people. I don't want to hear any more motorcycles or rednecks' trucks. Or small planes. Or heavy trucks. Sounds of nature is what I need. Hermit life. Luckily with fiber internet.

I'd like to give myself a chance to heal (as improbable that sounds) and try not go crazy. Maybe it can get better. At least buy some time, a few years even would be great. Maybe a quiet place could be the ticket to this.

Regarding motorcycles, yesterday I was stuck in jam behind a fat pig on an ultra loud bike. Who was revving it for fun and riding in a zig-zag in his lane just in front of me. I just passed him and a few cars illegally just to get ahead of him. Narrowly avoided a cop. Damn condition makes one do risky things. I should have made a u-turn instead.

 

[Hardwell]

I really want to run. I am seriously considering buying a 2nd house so I can escape from where I am. I just need to stop hearing other people. I don't want to hear any more motorcycles or rednecks' trucks. Or small planes. Or heavy trucks. Sounds of nature is what I need. Hermit life. Luckily with fiber internet.

I'd like to give myself a chance to heal (as improbable that sounds) and try not go crazy. Maybe it can get better. At least buy some time, a few years even would be great. Maybe a quiet place could be the ticket to this.

it might be a good idea to get that second house in the quiet, or the stress of the whole move may exacerbate things, we just don't don't know with our condition. Can't you look on Airbnb? Find yourself a secluded location for a a month or more, it'll come already fully furnished with a whole lot less stress.

Healing doesn't sound improbable, it seems to me like you've had a bit of healing already with more on the horizon. Quiet location with nature sounds might be what you just need to help it further.

I share your pain with motorcycles now, obviously I haven't ridden mine since the worsening. Yesterday I decided to go to the woods for a walk, it's only a 10 minute drive. Well, I had to take the van which is quite loud but as it was only a 10 minute drive, I didn't think it would be too much of an issue. The walk in the woods was amazing, I got a whole hour before my tinnitus decided to raise above the ambient noise, that meant a whole hour of not hearing my tinnitus.

Got stuck in traffic on the way home, spent an hour and 15 minutes in a loud van, with every motorbike driving directly past me to cut past the traffic, and every emergency vehicle in my city as well apparently.

It ruined my nice evening unfortunately, because it spiked the tinnitus since.

 

[billie48]

Back in 2009, when I was tormented by the ultra high pitched tinnitus, I was thinking about moving to a house by the rapids of the Salmon River where I used to fish before tinnitus. I thought instead of being forever stuck to masking by an iPod using earbuds (no smartphones or Bluetooth speaker in those days), why not just sit by the river and let the natural rapids sounds help mask my tinnitus, even partially. Even the rapids couldn't mask the screaming tinnitus completely but it was enough to help prevent panic attacks when exposed to the crazy tinnitus without masking. In those days, I never thought I could live without masking. But now I can stay calm listening to the screaming tinnitus and not be emotionally opposed to it. It is amazing what the body can do in healing, if not stopping the tinnitus, but in ignoring the same sound that used to cause so much emotional turmoil in the first year.

 

[gameover]

it might be a good idea to get that second house in the quiet, or the stress of the whole move may exacerbate things, we just don't don't know with our condition. Can't you look on Airbnb? Find yourself a secluded location for a a month or more, it'll come already fully furnished with a whole lot less stress.

Healing doesn't sound improbable, it seems to me like you've had a bit of healing already with more on the horizon. Quiet location with nature sounds might be what you just need to help it further.

I share your pain with motorcycles now, obviously I haven't ridden mine since the worsening. Yesterday I decided to go to the woods for a walk, it's only a 10 minute drive. Well, I had to take the van which is quite loud but as it was only a 10 minute drive, I didn't think it would be too much of an issue. The walk in the woods was amazing, I got a whole hour before my tinnitus decided to raise above the ambient noise, that meant a whole hour of not hearing my tinnitus.

Got stuck in traffic on the way home, spent an hour and 15 minutes in a loud van, with every motorbike driving directly past me to cut past the traffic, and every emergency vehicle in my city as well apparently.

It ruined my nice evening unfortunately, because it spiked the tinnitus since.

Yeah, not sure about the 2nd house for many reasons. Creates many new issues and I am not sure if it truly solves much. I should not split from the family. Probably not good for me, nor them. Airbnb, well, yeah I was thinking about "vacation" in summer and getting away somewhere quiet, but that's obviously a very short term thing.

If you get times with tinnitus below ambient noise, you are not that bad. My tinnitus is ALWAYS above ambient noise. Today is windy. So the woods were noisy. My tinnitus still dominated.

I stay away from really loud places, but I bet it would raise above them, too. I am really screwed.

Back in 2009, when I was tormented by the ultra high pitched tinnitus, I was thinking about moving to a house by the rapids of the Salmon River where I used to fish before tinnitus. I thought instead of being forever stuck to masking by an iPod using earbuds (no smartphones or Bluetooth speaker in those days), why not just sit by the river and let the natural rapids sounds help mask my tinnitus, even partially. Even the rapids couldn't mask the screaming tinnitus completely but it was enough to help prevent panic attacks when exposed to the crazy tinnitus without masking. In those days, I never thought I could live without masking. But now I can stay calm listening to the screaming tinnitus and not be emotionally opposed to it. It is amazing what the body can do in healing, if not stopping the tinnitus, but in ignoring the same sound that used to cause so much emotional turmoil in the first year.

Moving to the woods is about getting away from sounds of "civilization" (if we can call those that, I have my doubts now).

I am not masking. My tinnitus is reactive so masking does not work. Artificial masking sounds annoys me same if not more than tinnitus anyway. Natural sounds are ok, though they are not effective anyway.

-----

I am trying to devise a plan for surviving these 2-3 years, hence the idea of a quiet place. It would be nice if I could get back to work and get some more things in order to put my family in a better spot financially, if that's possible at all. I honestly do not believe I can make it much longer than that. Those few years already would be an amazing achievement.

I just cannot believe I am where I am. This should not have happened. It did not have to happen.

 

[gameover]

I am bouncing between "devising the plan to live" and ending it soon, being so tired. Just woke up to the horrendous noise in my head again. Yet, even in places devoted to discussing dark thoughts hope can be found regarding tinnitus. Even people there say they habituated to it and it stopped being major problem after like 2 years...

 

[Hardwell]

If you get times with tinnitus below ambient noise, you are not that bad. My tinnitus is ALWAYS above ambient noise. Today is windy. So the woods were noisy. My tinnitus still dominated.

These moments of below ambient noise are not common, only after spending prolonged periods of time in complete silence am I sometimes rewarded with tinnitus that will sit below the ambient noise for a brief time. If I tried to live normally with this reactive crap, then I would be hearing it over absolutely everything 24/7, like at the the start.

I am bouncing between "devising the plan to live" and ending it soon, being so tired. Just woke up to the horrendous noise in my head again. Yet, even in places devoted to discussing dark thoughts hope can be found regarding tinnitus. Even people there say they habituated to it and it stopped being major problem after like 2 years...

I am not at a place that I feel like I want to end things as of yet, but the bouncing back and forth between the optimism of sorting this out and the bleak thoughts of a pointless limited future occur daily. This seems very natural. I didn't realise until earlier that our tinnitus is very similar. I didn't realise yours was reactive also.

We will both have to just try and suck it up and at least see where we are a year down the line.

 

[gameover]

These moments of below ambient noise are not common, only after spending prolonged periods of time in complete silence am I sometimes rewarded with tinnitus that will sit below the ambient noise for a brief time. If I tried to live normally with this reactive crap, then I would be hearing it over absolutely everything 24/7, like at the the start.

Sorry to hear it. You have it quite bad then. Tinnitus is hard to measure and impossible to compare.

I am not at a place that I feel like I want to end things as of yet, but the bouncing back and forth between the optimism of sorting this out and the bleak thoughts of a pointless limited future occur daily. This seems very natural. I didn't realise until earlier that our tinnitus is very similar. I didn't realise yours was reactive also.

We will both have to just try and suck it up and at least see where we are a year down the line.

Yes, it's just the daily shit that pisses me off. Dealing with my primary doctor's office. Rude, heartless people. The freaking quack that does not feel like filling my insurance paperwork even though he promised weeks ago he would do it. So my leave will lapse and I do not know what I am going to do. The daily annoying noises. I do not think I am going to buy that place, that's too much hassle/cost. I guess it's easier to just wear earmuffs. I guess I need to hang in for a bit to see what happens, but I do not feel like hanging in too long. It is unbearably painful and tragic.

 

[gameover]

I honestly feel like at the end of the rope. Such a nice day. I went for a drive and lunch. Normally it would be just all around pleasant experience. Now it was not. Full of dread. My tinnitus reacted to the car drive. Sometimes it does not, sometimes it does, there is no clear pattern.

And to think only 4 months ago I was full of life. Kinda tired maybe, some stresses at work, but still happy, living, looking optimistically towards the future.

Life keeps on going. And it should. Kids at school, wife who normally works at home, went to the office. Even they hardened to my cries/sadness. They sort of tolerate me. I am not the husband/dad I used to be. I crumbled in front of their eyes. It is so sad.

Friends hardly remember/call anymore. People are turned off by the depressed/sad person. Even one self-proclaimed "true friend", kinda one and only who lives nearby. I was always skeptical about throwing word "friend". Not sure why. Maybe I never experienced true friendship. There is a saying "you know who your true friends are in times of hardship". Maybe I did not go through hardship before, that's why.

I mean I have a number of people I could confide in. But they generally do not call back. Except one, back in my home country, whom I knew for like 30 years. He emails, asks about me and offers a video chat. In fact, he was the one and only friend who over all these years put effort into maintaining contact. Others would only respond, but basically never initiate, so over the years the contacts dissolved - except him. I actually recognized and valued that. That's what physical and time distance does to people, I guess. So I would say I have one true friend... who cares, thinks and dares to reach out. Relationships are complex, I don't really blame people, maybe they found something lacking in me, so I did not seek me. Long distance friendships are hard, and in a new country I struggled to develop friendships, that's a sad fact (and I was cognizant of that).

Sound sensitivity... I recall when I was very young, I like 4 years old, I did not like my mom humming. I was telling her to stop. It was really annoying. So I guess I had misophonia already then. I always hated babies crying, even when I was little. Then I developed sensitivity to mechanical noises (A/C, etc). Then office noises. It really feels I am predisposed to suffer, honestly nothing worse could have happened to me. I really blame myself, because I was researching/googling misophonia years ago. Its Wikipedia page links hyperacusis/tinnitus (at least now). I was so close to learning about this curse. If I only paid attention, read with care and understanding

P.S. It's telling that my browser's autocorrection tools do not recognize word "hyperacusis"...

I really need to end this wall of text, self-pity, etc, though I have no other outlet.

I do not want it but somehow I feel the end is nigh.

 

[Hardwell]

I honestly feel like at the end of the rope. Such a nice day. I went for a drive and lunch. Normally it would be just all around pleasant experience. Now it was not. Full of dread. My tinnitus reacted to the car drive. Sometimes it does not, sometimes it does, there is no clear pattern.

Living how you did before tinnitus (with precautions in place) is the right thing to do, naturally you mourn for the life you had before tinnitus, so you compare everything you are doing now to how it was prior. You might have to go for lunch 100 times, the 101st time you go might be the first time you go and don't think about your tinnitus. It's difficult, it really is, I've been racking my brain recently and going back through everything and how I reacted to it when I first got this 8 years ago. I've realised the avoidance, mourning and hopelessness was the same then at the start as it is now. I can't remember how long it took to get over it but I certainly did.

The problem with relationships and tinnitus is that nobody that doesn't have it, doesn't truly understand what the mental struggle is like. My partner and friends are mostly very supportive. A few of them really don't understand and I'm certainly hearing from them less now but that's okay. I let my friends and partner know that there is nothing they can really do for me, but I tell them conversation and company does provide me with a good distraction at times.

You need to stop blaming yourself for getting tinnitus, it will do you no favours and prolong your suffering. If you had hearing protection or even decided not to use your pneumatic hammer, you still would have got tinnitus. As they say, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think for you and your anger response it's almost better you did this to yourself, it could have easily of been triggered accidentally by your wife or children, and you would not have faired well with the resentments that could have followed.

I have seen the majority of your posts, I have a good understanding of your tinnitus and I've conversed with you enough to understand you as a person. I am very confident that you are going to be okay. Your tinnitus itself seems to be going in a very positive trajectory, and I promise you this acute anxiety/depression phase does not last if you do not allow it.

The time has come to not feel sorry for oneself and get in front of this shit condition. Be smart, protect your ears and start trying to live a life again.

Chin up, you'll always have support from us here.

 

[gameover]

Living how you did before tinnitus (with precautions in place) is the right thing to do, naturally you mourn for the life you had before tinnitus, so you compare everything you are doing now to how it was prior. You might have to go for lunch 100 times, the 101st time you go might be the first time you go and don't think about your tinnitus. It's difficult, it really is, I've been racking my brain recently and going back through everything and how I reacted to it when I first got this 8 years ago. I've realised the avoidance, mourning and hopelessness was the same then at the start as it is now. I can't remember how long it took to get over it but I certainly did.

It is really hard to believe.

The problem with relationships and tinnitus is that nobody that doesn't have it, doesn't truly understand what the mental struggle is like. My partner and friends are mostly very supportive. A few of them really don't understand and I'm certainly hearing from them less now but that's okay. I let my friends and partner know that there is nothing they can really do for me, but I tell them conversation and company does provide me with a good distraction at times.

Indeed, the conversations serve as a decent distraction. The irony is that one of the friends (the "true friend") has had tinnitus for 30 years. High pitched, but not reactive, hears it over conversations, but habituated within 1 year. He still does not quite understand/appreciate my reaction to my tinnitus. He even has some beginnings of hyperacusis to high pitched sounds like birds. Or has a hard time coping with helicopter sounds. Still, he does not quite understand.

You need to stop blaming yourself for getting tinnitus, it will do you no favours and prolong your suffering. If you had hearing protection or even decided not to use your pneumatic hammer, you still would have got tinnitus. As they say, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think for you and your anger response it's almost better you did this to yourself, it could have easily of been triggered accidentally by your wife or children, and you would not have faired well with the resentments that could have followed.

I am 100% confident it would not be the case. I did not really have that serious history of noise exposure. Seriously. I never had fleeting tinnitus even. Nothing. Had great hearing. Yes, I had misophonia, but it was purely psychological. The noise trauma was really bad. Prolonged exposure. Combined with the sinus infection. I am truly deeply convinced that the damage would not be there if it was not for the infection or it would much smaller. I am really very much self-aware. I even remember my thought process during the incident and I remember my behaviors/reactions during other earlier noise incidents. I just know, believe me.

I have seen the majority of your posts, I have a good understanding of your tinnitus and I've conversed with you enough to understand you as a person. I am very confident that you are going to be okay. Your tinnitus itself seems to be going in a very positive trajectory, and I promise you this acute anxiety/depression phase does not last if you do not allow it.

I wish you were right, but I am afraid you are not. It would probably take more than some posts to get to know me truly. I am only discovering myself now, my new self, and I am scared. Beyond scared.

The time has come to not feel sorry for oneself and get in front of this shit condition. Be smart, protect your ears and start trying to live a life again.

Chin up, you'll always have support from us here.

Thank you for you support, again, @Hardwell. It means quite something for me, it really does. But I find myself truly in the darkest place imaginable.

 

[Fightthearmy]

The problem with relationships and tinnitus is that nobody that doesn't have it, doesn't truly understand what the mental struggle is like. My partner and friends are mostly very supportive. A few of them really don't understand and I'm certainly hearing from them less now but that's okay. I let my friends and partner know that there is nothing they can really do for me, but I tell them conversation and company does provide me with a good distraction at times.

Hence there's no point really telling anyone about it. I did tell a few people ten years ago, but after that I've mentioned it barely to anyone, they've forgotten about it. Over the years I think I really got to know them a lot better, as most people are quick to judge others for their life choices, despite being unaware of the causes.

 

[gameover]

I have a crazy attack of hyperacusis just now. I was sleeping/dozing off for an hour in my bedroom with earmuffs on (to not hear bikes, planes). Got out to sit down for dinner with family. Everything is 10x louder! Silverware, my kid chewing, refrigerator, heating - everything!

I don't know what is going on. Earlier today I had for a split second minor pain sensation in one ear. I was driving with foam earplugs, well inserted. Earlier I was driving with musician's earplugs (they don't seal all that perfect). I wonder if I am making things worse.

Did I overprotect? Or underprotect and exposed myself to too much noise? I did not heed the advice from members saying to taking it easy. I thought I was taking reasonable precautions.

I am in panic, seriously. I really cannot get out and drive anymore.

It is my first real panic attack. I was anxious before, this is different.

EDIT #1:

Still there a couple hours later it seems. I really do not understand the sudden nature of it. Is it related to waking up? I dozed off, got up rather quickly after I woke up and went to the kitchen. My morning "awakening response" used to subside rather quickly (30-60 minutes) and did not involve hyperacusis spiking, just tinnitus spiking. It was there after naps but less so (plus I did not nap much lately at all).

Tinnitus on the loud side now, but not the loudest it has been. But hyperacusis is the worst ever.

And lately it seemed as if hyperacusis was improving... and now this.

EDIT #2:

Only one page back I was writing about "tempting my fate". I suppose that's what happened. I don't believe I had any acoustic trauma. Maybe accidentally banged a plate against cabinet a bit loud? Or maybe it was driving in the vert with top down with inadequate protection. Nothing else. Oh, a smoke alarm turned on a couple days ago, but I quickly covered and ran away and it wasn't all that loud actually.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, but driving top down is over for sure. Need to sell that car, too. No matter what, my old life is over, there won't be going back. So is being in the kitchen without protection.

This is all getting truly insane, painful and tragic. It's like I want to devise some coping/survival plan. Then I will slip into wallowing and suicide ideation. I really can't do the latter, just not yet. I need a few years.

 

[Merlin L]

I have a crazy attack of hyperacusis just now. I was sleeping/dozing off for an hour in my bedroom with earmuffs on (to not hear bikes, planes). Got out to sit down for dinner with family. Everything is 10x louder! Silverware, my kid chewing, refrigerator, heating - everything!

I don't know what is going on. Earlier today I had for a split second minor pain sensation in one ear. I was driving with foam earplugs, well inserted. Earlier I was driving with musician's earplugs (they don't seal all that perfect). I wonder if I am making things worse.

Did I overprotect? Or underprotect and exposed myself to too much noise? I did not heed the advice from members saying to taking it easy. I thought I was taking reasonable precautions.

I am in panic, seriously. I really cannot get out and drive anymore.

It is my first real panic attack. I was anxious before, this is different.

EDIT #1:

Still there a couple hours later it seems. I really do not understand the sudden nature of it. Is it related to waking up? I dozed off, got up rather quickly after I woke up and went to the kitchen. My morning "awakening response" used to subside rather quickly (30-60 minutes) and did not involve hyperacusis spiking, just tinnitus spiking. It was there after naps but less so (plus I did not nap much lately at all).

Tinnitus on the loud side now, but not the loudest it has been. But hyperacusis is the worst ever.

And lately it seemed as if hyperacusis was improving... and now this.

EDIT #2:

Only one page back I was writing about "tempting my fate". I suppose that's what happened. I don't believe I had any acoustic trauma. Maybe accidentally banged a plate against cabinet a bit loud? Or maybe it was driving in the vert with top down with inadequate protection. Nothing else. Oh, a smoke alarm turned on a couple days ago, but I quickly covered and ran away and it wasn't all that loud actually.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, but driving top down is over for sure. Need to sell that car, too. No matter what, my old life is over, there won't be going back. So is being in the kitchen without protection.

This is all getting truly insane, painful and tragic. It's like I want to devise some coping/survival plan. Then I will slip into wallowing and suicide ideation. I really can't do the latter, just not yet. I need a few years.

I'm sorry you've experienced a worsening in your hyperacusis. It's not uncommon to have delayed onset of certain symptoms. It was the same for me. For the first month, I only had tinnitus and similarly to you, I had some mild sensitivity to louder sounds at lower frequencies. About a month later, I woke up to a new level of sound sensitivity. All the high-frequency sounds (dishes, doors, glass, plastic, metal, etc) had become very loud and troublesome. It came on suddenly like yours.

I thought that I might have brought it on by being a ball of anxious mess, but from what I've gathered, it doesn't necessarily mean that you're "worsening". One possible explanation is that the initial acoustic trauma triggered a cascade of physiological changes and alterations in the auditory system, which take time to develop and manifest as hyperacusis symptoms.

It didn't change for a couple of months and had a pretty terrible time. Only now it has started to lessen a bit. I know how incredibly stressful is it to deal with it. I had all the same feelings that my life is over. I still have bad days probably more than good days, but things are improving, albeit slowly.

Time is on your side. In a few years you're gonna be so much better. In most cases, hyperacusis improves with time, rest, and balanced sound exposure. Keep resting your ears for now. It's a long process to get better.

Have you been doing any sound therapy?

 

[gameover]

Thank you, @Merlin L. No sound therapy, the sounds bother me. I may play some stream running sounds from time to time on really low.

I've had this longer than you (since January), it's very late for a worsening from the original trauma. Must be something I've done along the way. Maybe the 2nd trauma from the tone generator in April.

I am terrified.

To think about all the advice to live "normally" like from Dr. Hubbard - he is a dangerous quack, I so regret paying him money. Please steer away from him. Maybe if you have a mild stable tinnitus he can offer you "therapy". Frankly, if you are in that situation, indeed, suck it up, it is "just a fucking sound". If your tinnitus is severe, or reactive, or you have hyperacusis run from such "experts".

 

[Ngo13]

I am 100% confident it would not be the case. I did not really have that serious history of noise exposure. Seriously. I never had fleeting tinnitus even. Nothing. Had great hearing. Yes, I had misophonia, but it was purely psychological. The noise trauma was really bad. Prolonged exposure. Combined with the sinus infection. I am truly deeply convinced that the damage would not be there if it was not for the infection or it would much smaller. I am really very much self-aware. I even remember my thought process during the incident and I remember my behaviors/reactions during other earlier noise incidents. I just know, believe me.

I was the same as you. My onset was due to my newborn unexpectedly screaming almost directly into my left ear. All I was doing was changing positions while nursing. If it had been a half a second earlier or later, I think it wouldn't have caused any issues. Tinnitus started about 20 minutes later and has never stopped. I, too, had never had temporary tinnitus before. Not once. When people talked about "that ringing after a concert" I had no idea what they were talking about. I was constantly mindful of volume and telling people to turn it down. My hearing was great and even after onset my hearing, even the ultra high frequencies, is fine. A few months after my onset, my right ear started ringing for no reason. It's actually my louder ear now - like how is that possible. If I only had my left ear's ringing, I think I would be much better able to cope. For my first year I agonized over this. Doctors didn't even believe me that a baby's cry could cause tinnitus. And I'm convinced it wasn't just the sound because, like you, I had other factors at play that I believe made me susceptible: I was only a few weeks out from birth (my stitches hadn't even healed yet!), I was averaging 2 hours of sleep a night, first time mom stress. And no one ever told me to protect my ears when holding my baby. You have kids - did you use earplugs every time you picked up your children? I see plenty of people using lawnmowers and leaf blowers with no ear protection. People shoot guns and go to loud metal concerts with no ear protection. People have the exact same thing happen to them as me, a scream in the ear. And the fact is that almost none of them will get chronic tinnitus. There are plenty of people here who have idiopathic tinnitus that just came out of the blue.

What happened to me was an unfortunate accident. What happened to you was an unfortunate accident. Accidents happen to people all the time that have unfair, unwarranted consequences - think of all the innocent people who get complications from car accidents where they are not at fault. My point is that I had to accept exactly what others have been telling you, that it doesn't matter how it happened. This is the key to acceptance. It is now something you have. Tinnitus is a mystery to us all. You can't change it. You need to forgive yourself for any things you might have done, knowingly or unknowingly, that led to your onset. Something I was told - are these feelings/thoughts helping me in this moment? Are they productive? Can they change or improve my current state? If the answer is no - let it go. Easier said than done I know.

This condition is so difficult because you have so very little control. You can't control all sounds around you. And it's extra tricky because you feel like you should have more control over it. You can't protect yourself at every moment - it's not realistic. You could do nothing at all and still have a spike (I am in one now). I've read all your posts and you seem exactly like me, you are looking for control and understanding over something that you can't control and that doesn't make sense. And it's driving you nuts. I'm the same, I understand. You want to make sense of every change, every worsening, every improvement. But this whole stupid condition doesn't make logical sense. And you will learn this by living with it in time. Please give yourself that time.

My tinnitus fluctuates every day but I'm now able to identify some patterns, like I have a few different "mixes". I can't figure out why a certain mix may play at that time (changes throughout the day), but it does. So it becomes familiar in a way. It is less scary. My hyperacusis seems to get worse then become negligible as it pleases. But you just need to let it be. I'm not very good at that yet but I know that's the only path forward. Take precautions when you can, listen to your body, and then go forward.

You will get there. You will make peace with this. But please, just let it be. Control the things you can control and let go of the things you can't.

I found talk therapy to be helpful. Not for my actual tinnitus - I don't even talk about it with her. But it helps with learning coping skills that I apply to be able to live with my tinnitus. I know, I know, it sounds pointless. I felt that way too, and sometimes do still. But it's worth a try. It's one of the only things you can do, so why not? And I'm not going to lose hope that we all won't have a treatment or cure or spontaneous healing one day. Therapy helped me reframe the way I think about my life - taking it one day at a time, etc. It took months for me to see a difference. When you're ready, maybe you can try. I wish you well.

 

[Merlin L]

Thank you, @Merlin L. No sound therapy, the sounds bother me. I may play some stream running sounds from time to time on really low.

I've had this longer than you (since January), it's very late for a worsening from the original trauma. Must be something I've done along the way. Maybe the 2nd trauma from the tone generator in April.

I am terrified.

To think about all the advice to live "normally" like from Dr. Hubbard - he is a dangerous quack, I so regret paying him money. Please steer away from him. Maybe if you have a mild stable tinnitus he can offer you "therapy". Frankly, if you are in that situation, indeed, suck it up, it is "just a fucking sound". If your tinnitus is severe, or reactive, or you have hyperacusis run from such "experts".

I do the same by playing the sounds, which is considered "sound therapy." Playing low-level tolerable background noise as much as you can tolerate is what my audiologist recommended for "desensitizing" as well, but I'm still questioning if it's the right approach.

It truly is maddening and terrifying that there is no proper understanding of this condition even among the professionals.

My acoustic trauma happened on the 21st of January and hyperacusis appeared pretty suddenly around the 5th of March. You're right though. I also don't know if it was delayed onset or if I did something to exacerbate the condition

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with the therapist. It's just wildly stupid to give out such basic advice as "just live your life normally" as a blanket statement for all tinnitus patients. Does he even know that stable tinnitus acts differently than reactive tinnitus? Or that reactive tinnitus is not the same as sound-sensitive tinnitus? Did he even try to figure out, which type of tinnitus you have and perhaps give adequate instructions on how to manage it? Your experience even makes me mad!

I've read so many research papers, and it's so painfully obvious that doctors, therapists, and audiologists just don't keep up with the science. All tinnitus is tinnitus! Who cares if it's reactive or sound-sensitive? It's apparently all the same to them.

All I can do is comfort you and say it will get better. My hyperacusis didn't budge at all for the first 2 months after the onset, even ripping toilet paper was loud. Then very suddenly it started slowly improving. It gets also mentally easier to cope with when you see the little improvements. Hang in there

Anyway, how is your new high-frequency sensitivity doing? Any updates?

 

[gameover]

@Merlin L, the therapist in question, Dr. Hubbard, even has a section on this forum, although it seems he has not posted in years. I only took two sessions (at cool $250 a pop) with him, described earlier in this thread. Everyone else is just as useless, but perhaps he is most dangerous with his advice. He, by the way, like others, will tell you antidepressants are "perfectly safe for tinnitus".

I feel like I am done. I am wearing earmuffs and listening to the tinnitus. Motorbike hellish sounds still cut thru the earmuffs.

I really want to die now. It is about 2:30pm, I have not gotten up from bed today, I did not eat. I have no energy left whatsoever, even typing this now is tough. I am like close to not caring what is going to happen to my family. I want out.

Thank you everyone but this shit I think won.

EDIT:

I actually sent today Dr. Hubbard an email telling him his advice may be dangerous to some people. He knew my tinnitus is reactive and that I have hyperacusis. He promptly responded with:

FYI I never said your tinnitus would not react or you would not have stronger hyperacusis.

He flat out said that noise environments where you need not to shout are "safe". You can read that earlier in this thread, I reported a few weeks ago on these sessions.

 

[gameover]

I managed to get out for a walk in the woods. Hyperacusis is still bad. I had to wear musician's earplugs in the woods. I could hear damn motorbikes further deep in the woods where I did not hear them before. It is insane.

My wife is breaking down today. It is too much for her. God, I need strength to pretend I am ok, better, not worse. But how?

 

[Stayinghopeful]

@Merlin L, the therapist in question, Dr. Hubbard, even has a section on this forum, although it seems he has not posted in years. I only took two sessions (at cool $250 a pop) with him, described earlier in this thread. Everyone else is just as useless, but perhaps he is most dangerous with his advice.

He can only really give advice based on his own personal experience (like anyone on here).

I don't think his advice is dangerous but I do think when referring to his own experiences, he should preface his thoughts by first saying "in my own case/experience" because, as everyone knows, each individual case is different. Often each person's journey is one of trial and error.

I never thought anyone would go to Bruce Hubbard for anything other than tinnitus CBT.

 

[Jupiterman]

He can only really give advice based on his own personal experience (like anyone on here).

I don't think his advice is dangerous but I do think when referring to his own experiences, he should preface his thoughts by first saying "in my own case/experience" because, as everyone knows, each individual case is different. Often each person's journey is one of trial and error.

I never thought anyone would go to Bruce Hubbard for anything other than tinnitus CBT.

You'd think that part of Hubbard's experience is benefitting from the hundreds of clients he has councelled? If he is (and I don't know if he does) only giving advice based on his own experience, then wouldn't that make him quite limited at his job?

At $250 per hour, shouldn't he have the skill to adapt his councelling to suit the client's specific condition(s) and adjust his advice accordingly rather than feeding the same narrative to all clients?

Or does he have no idea how to treat severe cases just like, what appears to be, every other audiologist, ENT and doctor?

I think that severe cases need to rest their ears for a period of time after the loud noise exposure that put them in that state. And this is where the problem comes; no audiologist, ENT, doctor or even Hubbard is going to tell you to rest your ears for a period of time.

Get out there! Expose to sound, it's safe. If your ears get worse, it's your anxiety causing it, not my bad advice.

Oh, you have a 3rd degree burn on your hand? Hmmm, let's see. Expose your bare hand to heat, move closer to the fire and catch as much sun as you can. Whatever you do, do not protect your hand from heat while it heals.

 

[Hardwell]

I managed to get out for a walk in the woods. Hyperacusis is still bad. I had to wear musician's earplugs in the woods. I could hear damn motorbikes further deep in the woods where I did not hear them before. It is insane.

How loud is your tinnitus when you are in the woods? Does it roar above everything or do you get some relief?

 

[gameover]

He can only really give advice based on his own personal experience (like anyone on here).

I don't think his advice is dangerous but I do think when referring to his own experiences, he should preface his thoughts by first saying "in my own case/experience" because, as everyone knows, each individual case is different. Often each person's journey is one of trial and error.

I never thought anyone would go to Bruce Hubbard for anything other than tinnitus CBT.

He expressly is invoking experience of his patients (not "his experience" only), e.g., with respect to antidepressant use and its supposed safety for tinnitus. And heavily quotes "research", etc. His first session is full of stats, definitions, supposed truths and facts. While referring to people writing about their experiences on Tinnitus Talk as, quote, "full of shit". What do you mean "anything other than tinnitus CBT"? That's exactly what I went for. Cornerstone of his advice is "exposure" and what sounds are dangerous or not. Read my posts again, above and earlier in this thread. He comes across as some kind of guru or savior of people of tinnitus. Nope. I just think he is taking advantage of them just like bunch of others, and if you have issues with his advice he will blame the victim, quote of the rest of his email:

We've only met twice, and it was 6 weeks apart. You've barely gotten started with my program, so to trash me and the program is completely unreasonable. It's like you took two days of a 10 day course of antibiotics and complained that you still have symptoms. Good luck to you.

Anyway, that's it about him, that's my experience. Your mileage my vary.

 

[gameover]

How loud is your tinnitus when you are in the woods? Does it roar above everything or do you get some relief?

It is always loud in the woods. It is always louder and above everything.

The only relief I get sometimes is when I talk. Somehow it puts it into background. I feel it's there but it does not dominate. And sometimes late at night in bed it gets markedly quieter. I still hear it, but it calms down to fairly low static noise.

You'd think that part of Hubbard's experience is benefitting from the hundreds of clients he has councelled? If he is (and I don't know if he does) only giving advice based on his own experience, then wouldn't that make him quite limited at his job?

At $250 per hour, shouldn't he have the skill to adapt his councelling to suit the client's specific condition(s) and adjust his advice accordingly rather than feeding the same narrative to all clients?

Or does he have no idea how to treat severe cases just like, what appears to be, every other audiologist, ENT and doctor?

I think that severe cases need to rest their ears for a period of time after the loud noise exposure that put them in that state. And this is where the problem comes; no audiologist, ENT, doctor or even Hubbard is going to tell you to rest your ears for a period of time.

Get out there! Expose to sound, it's safe. If your ears get worse, it's your anxiety causing it, not my bad advice.

Oh, you have a 3rd degree burn on your hand? Hmmm, let's see. Expose your bare hand to heat, move closer to the fire and catch as much sun as you can. Whatever you do, do not protect your hand from heat while it heals.

Exactly right. Basically he dismisses severity as a factor. He acknowledges that "reactive" part makes things a little more difficult, but not fundamentally different. I discussed these aspects with him.