I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore: I'm Now in a Psychiatric Hospital and Tinnitus Is Crushing Me

[Vicki14]

This is going to sound really weird, but I'm glad that you had tears in your eyes. You see, your emotional and psychological self are still in there and functioning. And if you're at rock bottom then the only way is up. It's probably going to be a very slow, painfully frustrating ascent but it can be done. One day at a time.

How did I turn the corner? That's a good question. I think it came from brutal honesty with myself, knowing that I'm going to hear these things day after day and there's nothing I can do about it. But also knowing that it's not in itself harmful. It's been an exercise in patience and faith like nothing I've ever known, and I'm not fully out the other side but I'm putting blind faith in myself that I know the way through. Because with something so irrational and soul-searing painful, faith is all I have left, I suppose. But if I made it through yesterday, I'll make it through today by accepting the minute to minute reality and every time I get wound up or notice the tinnitus, I'm going to think about something else instead.

I hate that life feels like effort now, but I can do it and I will, over and over again until it's not an effort anymore. This truly is a very long game, a horrible, exhausting game that you don't really have a choice but to be involved with. But we can win. Stoicism is a pretty valuable tool when it comes to this. I see the tinnitus now as something that flows through me like a river, but my conscious mind is a rock in that river that is unmoved by whatever the surrounding current is doing if that makes sense.

You're not being negative at all, you've already had a long road to this point and now you've had an incredibly disappointing setback. You're only human, this condition can be disorientating, scary and debilitating. Do whatever it is you need to do to get through the day and be proud of doing so. It might not feel like it, but you ARE coping and it's probably far from easy, but you're doing it. xxx

Thank you for your words of comfort. I truly appreciate them, especially when I'm feeling so panicked and helpless right now with this ear pain and fullness. I feel like I'm going around in one big circle with this and my head is about to blow with the stress of it all.

You definitely managed to pull yourself together very quickly which is amazing! Well done you.

I feel my ears are so vulnerable and as it's shown, many times, takes nothing to upset them. I feel like this recent setback has pushed me beyond my coping threshold with the ear pain and blocked feeling, fearing that something awful has happened to my ear and will continue to. The fear I feel with this is awful and I hate that I'm at this low point of needing so much reassurance when I had come such a long way. Breaks my heart.

Thank you for your support too xxxx

 

[Peter Q]

Vicki3116

Stoicism is certainly a very important factor. I have often wondered if Dopamine, Serotonin and Oxytocin play a role in one's habituation of reaction and habituation of perception. These hormones play a vital role in promoting feelings of positivity and well-being, which help in boosting confidence and a sense of being in control, as well as a more benign and accepting attitude towards oneself and the world.

These two short pieces are interesting:

Scientists Think They've Found The Answer to What Causes Ringing in The Ears

The 'Love Hormone' May Quiet Tinnitus

 

[Peter Q]

Thank you for your post. It was very uplifting and hopeful. My tinnitus has recently gone off the scale after a noise trauma which resulted in 24/7 sirens and high pitched eee with reactive tinnitus and fullness and pain in one ear. Needless to say my anxiety is through the roof. From your experience, can it settle from noise trauma when you've been very much set back by it. In my 5.5 years, this has been my worst set back (husband whistled loudly right next to me, accidentally). I feel completely broken by it and truly feel like I've run out of options! X

Vicki14, I see your tinnitus was caused by stress. Stress can get any of us into a downward spiral of fear and negativity, a sort of vicious circle. In order to break that cycle, we need to create a 'virtuous' cycle for ourselves. A very important basis for developing a positive attitude to life in general is by recognising that the most important relationship we have in life is the one we have with ourselves. One has to create a caring, nurturing and positive relationship with oneself. The quality of that relationship determines the quality of of how we interact and react to everything else in life.

 

[Vicki3116]

Hey, it's been a little while and I thought I'd come back and say hi. I hope you're all doing ok and getting through as best as you can. I'm not sure if anyone would be interested in an update but here it is.

Nothing has really changed in terms of the noises in my head, it's still wild and loud and weird, even the sound of my thumb scrolling on my phone gives me these massive zing noises through the middle of my head. It's never quiet. There's more noises than I can count, still. But sometimes it all goes quiet. I still have no idea what's going on but more than that, I don't consciously think about it anymore. I don't question what it all means or how I'm going to cope etc. It is what it is and I can't do a lot about that. But in terms of real life, I'm working all the time, my managers have mentioned promotion to me because since I came back to work they're really impressed with how well I'm working and how much I do for the team. I don't dread the days anymore, I can watch TV and sometimes read. I can have conversations again, I can actually care about things that aren't my stupid head, and sometimes I even laugh.

Life is nowhere near what it was before, I am constantly aware that I now have this thing that I didn't before and my personality feels fundamentally changed by that, I'm not as free or as happy, but I know I'm doing it and I'm making it.

I was working in A&E the other day and saw the doctor who saw me the night I went to A&E in complete pieces with the tinnitus because I couldn't take it anymore and he asked me how it's going and if it went away. I told him no it hasn't gone, but that's ok. There's a part of me that's still a bit devastated to make that admission, but I know it is ok. It's ok to have tinnitus, even if you'd prefer not to. Life doesn't have to be all or nothing, and if you can be relatively happy in amongst all the noise and frustration and disappointment then I reckon you're on to a winner. After all, that's pretty much what life is anyway.

Ignore it with all your might, make it as irrelevant as you can because no good will come from going down the rabbit hole of listening/questioning/trying to cure it etc. I do believe there's a way out of this, but it involves an awful lot of listening to yourself and the things that truly matter in your life, and also more patience than you knew you had the capacity for.

It will be ok, and then when things are ok maybe they'll go on to be good and then maybe even great. Hang in there xx

 

[Peter Q]

Hey, it's been a little while and I thought I'd come back and say hi. I hope you're all doing ok and getting through as best as you can. I'm not sure if anyone would be interested in an update but here it is.

Nothing has really changed in terms of the noises in my head, it's still wild and loud and weird, even the sound of my thumb scrolling on my phone gives me these massive zing noises through the middle of my head. It's never quiet. There's more noises than I can count, still. But sometimes it all goes quiet. I still have no idea what's going on but more than that, I don't consciously think about it anymore. I don't question what it all means or how I'm going to cope etc. It is what it is and I can't do a lot about that. But in terms of real life, I'm working all the time, my managers have mentioned promotion to me because since I came back to work they're really impressed with how well I'm working and how much I do for the team. I don't dread the days anymore, I can watch TV and sometimes read. I can have conversations again, I can actually care about things that aren't my stupid head, and sometimes I even laugh.

Life is nowhere near what it was before, I am constantly aware that I now have this thing that I didn't before and my personality feels fundamentally changed by that, I'm not as free or as happy, but I know I'm doing it and I'm making it.

I was working in A&E the other day and saw the doctor who saw me the night I went to A&E in complete pieces with the tinnitus because I couldn't take it anymore and he asked me how it's going and if it went away. I told him no it hasn't gone, but that's ok. There's a part of me that's still a bit devastated to make that admission, but I know it is ok. It's ok to have tinnitus, even if you'd prefer not to. Life doesn't have to be all or nothing, and if you can be relatively happy in amongst all the noise and frustration and disappointment then I reckon you're on to a winner. After all, that's pretty much what life is anyway.

Ignore it with all your might, make it as irrelevant as you can because no good will come from going down the rabbit hole of listening/questioning/trying to cure it etc. I do believe there's a way out of this, but it involves an awful lot of listening to yourself and the things that truly matter in your life, and also more patience than you knew you had the capacity for.

It will be ok, and then when things are ok maybe they'll go on to be good and then maybe even great. Hang in there xx

You articulate very well the best approach to take towards dealing with tinnitus. That is, by taking a cool, rational and clear-eyed attitude, and not allowing fear to disempower your sense of self. Also, your calm and positive mind-set also facilitates a necessary self-empowerment, something that can so easily become submerged by tinnitus. Sometimes conditions such as tinnitus can make us look deeper into ourselves and our real needs. Our psyche is always subtly showing us how we can heal and become whole.

 

[T warrior]

Hi Vicky 3116, I have read your thread with great interest and you have made amazing progress in less than a year!

My tinnitus started in January 2018 and it's still bothering me almost everyday and I have had dark thoughts ever since I got it but I am still here almost 4 years later.

To all tinnitus sufferers who have had tinnitus for more than 4 years, is it possible to continue to improve after that time span? I feel like I will never improve at this point...

 

[anonymoose]

Hey, it's been a little while and I thought I'd come back and say hi. I hope you're all doing ok and getting through as best as you can. I'm not sure if anyone would be interested in an update but here it is.

Nothing has really changed in terms of the noises in my head, it's still wild and loud and weird, even the sound of my thumb scrolling on my phone gives me these massive zing noises through the middle of my head. It's never quiet. There's more noises than I can count, still. But sometimes it all goes quiet. I still have no idea what's going on but more than that, I don't consciously think about it anymore. I don't question what it all means or how I'm going to cope etc. It is what it is and I can't do a lot about that. But in terms of real life, I'm working all the time, my managers have mentioned promotion to me because since I came back to work they're really impressed with how well I'm working and how much I do for the team. I don't dread the days anymore, I can watch TV and sometimes read. I can have conversations again, I can actually care about things that aren't my stupid head, and sometimes I even laugh.

Life is nowhere near what it was before, I am constantly aware that I now have this thing that I didn't before and my personality feels fundamentally changed by that, I'm not as free or as happy, but I know I'm doing it and I'm making it.

I was working in A&E the other day and saw the doctor who saw me the night I went to A&E in complete pieces with the tinnitus because I couldn't take it anymore and he asked me how it's going and if it went away. I told him no it hasn't gone, but that's ok. There's a part of me that's still a bit devastated to make that admission, but I know it is ok. It's ok to have tinnitus, even if you'd prefer not to. Life doesn't have to be all or nothing, and if you can be relatively happy in amongst all the noise and frustration and disappointment then I reckon you're on to a winner. After all, that's pretty much what life is anyway.

Ignore it with all your might, make it as irrelevant as you can because no good will come from going down the rabbit hole of listening/questioning/trying to cure it etc. I do believe there's a way out of this, but it involves an awful lot of listening to yourself and the things that truly matter in your life, and also more patience than you knew you had the capacity for.

It will be ok, and then when things are ok maybe they'll go on to be good and then maybe even great. Hang in there xx

Have you looked into vagus nerve stimulation as a potential treatment?

 

[Vicki3116]

Hi Vicky 3116, I have read your thread with great interest and you have made amazing progress in less than a year!

My tinnitus started in January 2018 and it's still bothering me almost everyday and I have had dark thoughts ever since I got it but I am still here almost 4 years later.

To all tinnitus sufferers who have had tinnitus for more than 4 years, is it possible to continue to improve after that time span? I feel like I will never improve at this point...

Hey, I'm sorry it's bothering you still. And it's ok to be bothered. This is the most insanely annoying, relentless, pointless shit EVER. Dark thoughts are ok, in a way I think they can be comforting because they provide us with the security of escaping the unescapable. I still have them. Probably daily. But they're just thoughts. They're imaginations in my brain, they're not fact, they don't represent a certain truth, they're just a reflection of how I'm feeling or more likely, fearing. They're no more important than the tinnitus. Anyone is capable of feeling or thinking, or indeed hearing, anything at any given time and whatever happens in any given moment is ok. Allow it and observe it because it will pass.

The hardest thing to do with this crap is to stop the fight. To admit that life is never going to be the same. It's a grief. A massive, personal, painful grief that people around you can't understand because you look so normal, right? The weird thing is I don't miss life before anymore because I can't remember it. I mean I guess it was different but was it better? It doesn't matter if it was. It's gone. Will the future be one of eternal suffering? No idea. Maybe they'll find a cure. Maybe it'll disappear. Maybe I'll stop caring and forget I have it. Maybe I'll launch myself off a bridge because I can't take anymore. I have no idea. But right now it doesn't matter because I'm writing to you and yes I have tinnitus all over my head but telling you that I believe you will feel better is more important. And that's the only thing we can do, decide what's more important, moment to moment. It's exhausting and frustrating, but it's where our power lies.

We can get through this. Keep your head down and keep plugging away at it because it will be worth it. Even if someone tells you they've had it over 4 years with no improvement, it doesn't mean it's going to be that way for you. Everyone is different and no one will be exactly comparable to you and they don't need to be because this is about you, not them, and YOU are going to feel better one day. No one knows when that day will be but it will happen. You're worth it. I'm rooting for you xx

 

[Vicki3116]

Have you looked into vagus nerve stimulation as a potential treatment?

Hey, no, I don't actively seek any treatment. I've given up on all that as the disappointment is hard to take. I'm very wary of anything that makes me question if it's better or worse because I worry about it taking me down a path that does me no good if you see what I mean. And I'm a perfectionist. If it's not a complete, guaranteed cure, I'm not interested. Living with tinnitus is hard, but living with tinnitus and disappointment is harder xx

 

[Vicki3116]

You articulate very well the best approach to take towards dealing with tinnitus. That is, by taking a cool, rational and clear-eyed attitude, and not allowing fear to disempower your sense of self. Also, your calm and positive mind-set also facilitates a necessary self-empowerment, something that can so easily become submerged by tinnitus. Sometimes conditions such as tinnitus can make us look deeper into ourselves and our real needs. Our psyche is always subtly showing us how we can heal and become whole.

I totally agree. There is no answer that fits everyone, because everyone is different. We will find our own ways and find peace in a multitude of different ways.

But a magic pill would still be nice, right? xx

 

[Vicki3116]

Thank you for your words of comfort. I truly appreciate them, especially when I'm feeling so panicked and helpless right now with this ear pain and fullness. I feel like I'm going around in one big circle with this and my head is about to blow with the stress of it all.

You definitely managed to pull yourself together very quickly which is amazing! Well done you.

I feel my ears are so vulnerable and as it's shown, many times, takes nothing to upset them. I feel like this recent setback has pushed me beyond my coping threshold with the ear pain and blocked feeling, fearing that something awful has happened to my ear and will continue to. The fear I feel with this is awful and I hate that I'm at this low point of needing so much reassurance when I had come such a long way. Breaks my heart.

Thank you for your support too xxxx

How are you xxx

 

[Luman]

When you get to the point that you have no emotional reactions to tinnitus, you will have little or no problem with it.

 

[anonymoose]

Hey, no, I don't actively seek any treatment. I've given up on all that as the disappointment is hard to take. I'm very wary of anything that makes me question if it's better or worse because I worry about it taking me down a path that does me no good if you see what I mean. And I'm a perfectionist. If it's not a complete, guaranteed cure, I'm not interested. Living with tinnitus is hard, but living with tinnitus and disappointment is harder xx

That makes sense and agree with you on the disappointment. I'm unfortunately stubborn and an engineer, so I refused to simply deal with some new thing that was happening for seemingly no reason, so I went down a fairly crazy path of trying to figure out the root-cause and fix it to a decent amount of success. My version of tinnitus is very different than yours, so I won't purport to push what I did onto you. I think, based on everything you've said, your attitude and approach is what makes sense for you. Glad you've found peace and a way to ignore it as best as you can and continue to live your life.

Slightly random side note: the audiologist I saw initially said he had lifelong loud tinnitus in both ears because of an antibiotic given to him when he almost died of typhoid as a child. He said he found this strange comfort in being able to hear it and one time as an adult the tinnitus briefly stopped for about 30 minutes and it caused him to panic, but it came back and he was able to relax again. The mind is a weird and wonderful thing.

 

[Peter Q]

I totally agree. There is no answer that fits everyone, because everyone is different. We will find our own ways and find peace in a multitude of different ways.

But a magic pill would still be nice, right? xx

Yes indeed, a magic pill would be nice. As you say, we find out coping strategies in a multitude of ways. Only this morning I chanced upon this interesting and somewhat humorous article:

You get used to tinnitus, but what about talk therapy?

 

[Vicki3116]

That makes sense and agree with you on the disappointment. I'm unfortunately stubborn and an engineer, so I refused to simply deal with some new thing that was happening for seemingly no reason, so I went down a fairly crazy path of trying to figure out the root-cause and fix it to a decent amount of success. My version of tinnitus is very different than yours, so I won't purport to push what I did onto you. I think, based on everything you've said, your attitude and approach is what makes sense for you. Glad you've found peace and a way to ignore it as best as you can and continue to live your life.

Slightly random side note: the audiologist I saw initially said he had lifelong loud tinnitus in both ears because of an antibiotic given to him when he almost died of typhoid as a child. He said he found this strange comfort in being able to hear it and one time as an adult the tinnitus briefly stopped for about 30 minutes and it caused him to panic, but it came back and he was able to relax again. The mind is a weird and wonderful thing.

Hey, thanks for the reply you make a really interesting point about the audiologist and it's something I've wondered about many times before. What if, secretly, somewhere deep down we are now scared to be without the tinnitus? We have become so accustomed to being annoyed/frustrated/scared by this experience, we wouldn't know what to do without it? After all, we've invested an awful lot of mental and emotional effort in this thing so to let it go would in some ways make it all feel like a waste. I think sometimes we find familiarity in the experience, even though it's not necessarily a pleasant one. But we know where we stand with it, in some ways it may be a way of keeping life predictable and it also provides the opportunity to blame something outside of our control for our inability to function how we feel we should or be as happy as we feel we should be.

I think it's fascinating. I know personally that I can be fine, going through my day without really thinking about the tinnitus but if I'm faced with a situation where I feel emotional or unsure what to do, then bam, there's the tinnitus. To me it seems that it's almost an escape from my conscious mind, to fall back on old familiar as a way of detaching myself, so I'm working on that and asking myself what's actually going on in the situation, tinnitus aside. Almost like forcing yourself back in to the world I guess but it's not easy after being trapped in your own head for so long.

I'm really glad that you've had some success with the things you did, and being stubborn is not a character flaw. I think it can really help with this kind of thing, and as for your path being a bit unusual, as they say... it's not crazy if it works xxx

 

[MindOverMatter]

That's a really interesting aspect @Vicki3116. You put out a lot of wise words on this forum

 

[billie48]

That's a really interesting aspect @Vicki3116. You put out a lot of wise words on this forum

I agree. Vicki and her writings are inspiring indeed. That aspect of personal growth is perhaps an unexpected gain after dealing with immense sufferings with bad tinnitus.

 

[Ava Lugo]

How are you xxx

I got a question Vicki3116.

Have you experienced days where you hear the tinnitus constantly?

 

[Vicki3116]

I got a question Vicki3116.

Have you experienced days where you hear the tinnitus constantly?

Hey, nice to hear from you

Wow did I ever. It wasn't days, it was months. Literally months. Every day felt like torture and like I was screaming inside. It was the most crippling, claustrophobic, panic inducing time of my life.

I probably do still hear it a good percentage of the time, I just don't realise I am. Sometimes it cuts out and that's when I notice I must have been hearing something else too, if you get me?

How are you getting on/feeling? xxx

 

[Jerad]

Hey, the noise I have that I can hear above everything is the hardest one to explain, it's like a really sharp, high pitched zap that's on and off every two seconds. It drives me absolutely insane. Sometimes I swear I can feel it boring in to my brain. If I could get rid of that I'd consider myself cured because the other noises don't bother me at all.

How are things with you?

@Vicki3116, did your zaps ever improve? I'm experiencing something similar.

 

[Ben Johnson]

So glad to hear your mental state has improved @Vicki3116.

I read your initial story a few days ago and wondered where and how you were. You've come a long way and I am happy for your improvement.

Thank you for sharing the detailed wisdom that you do on this board. God bless.

 

[DebInAustralia]

Hey, I'm sorry it's bothering you still. And it's ok to be bothered. This is the most insanely annoying, relentless, pointless shit EVER. Dark thoughts are ok, in a way I think they can be comforting because they provide us with the security of escaping the unescapable. I still have them. Probably daily. But they're just thoughts. They're imaginations in my brain, they're not fact, they don't represent a certain truth, they're just a reflection of how I'm feeling or more likely, fearing. They're no more important than the tinnitus. Anyone is capable of feeling or thinking, or indeed hearing, anything at any given time and whatever happens in any given moment is ok. Allow it and observe it because it will pass.

The hardest thing to do with this crap is to stop the fight. To admit that life is never going to be the same. It's a grief. A massive, personal, painful grief that people around you can't understand because you look so normal, right? The weird thing is I don't miss life before anymore because I can't remember it. I mean I guess it was different but was it better? It doesn't matter if it was. It's gone. Will the future be one of eternal suffering? No idea. Maybe they'll find a cure. Maybe it'll disappear. Maybe I'll stop caring and forget I have it. Maybe I'll launch myself off a bridge because I can't take anymore. I have no idea. But right now it doesn't matter because I'm writing to you and yes I have tinnitus all over my head but telling you that I believe you will feel better is more important. And that's the only thing we can do, decide what's more important, moment to moment. It's exhausting and frustrating, but it's where our power lies.

We can get through this. Keep your head down and keep plugging away at it because it will be worth it. Even if someone tells you they've had it over 4 years with no improvement, it doesn't mean it's going to be that way for you. Everyone is different and no one will be exactly comparable to you and they don't need to be because this is about you, not them, and YOU are going to feel better one day. No one knows when that day will be but it will happen. You're worth it. I'm rooting for you xx

The poster (@I who love music) of the Back to Silence thread had tinnitus for 40 years before habituation. No time limits on being able to finally habituate.

 

[Vicki3116]

So glad to hear your mental state has improved @Vicki3116.

I read your initial story a few days ago and wondered where and how you were. You've come a long way and I am happy for your improvement.

Thank you for sharing the detailed wisdom that you do on this board. God bless.

Hey, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you.

It's been a while since I've been on here and things are ok. Am I cured? No. Do I care? Not really. Have I heard silence? Yes. Was it amazing? Yes. Can I live without it? Yes. Do I feel like I'd saw my own leg off to have permanent silence? Most days, yes. The whole tinnitus thing is a massive contradiction in itself, pining for something you know in your heart you don't truly need but my god you want it so bad, and sometimes it's the desire for something that stops you moving on. I don't think about the tinnitus in terms or wishing it away now, but I do all I can to relinquish the attachment to silence that I still seem to harbour.

I can do that in time. It'll just take more time and if after two years of this crap I haven't died then I'll probably make it through.

Other than that, life is pretty normal. I work more than I probably should, I go to the pub, I read books with no background noise, I sleep ok, I still have a terrible diet but some things just don't change

I still know it's not easy and I try not to dwell on the reduction in my quality of life that I know is apparent if I'm completely honest with myself, but I'm making it through.

And about the brain zaps, no they haven't gone away, they're violent when I'm falling asleep but yet again, there's nothing I can do about it and it's just another thing I wish wasn't there but is.

But then the other day I fell asleep and all I could hear was... nothing. So, so weird.

I hope you're all doing ok. It's still nice to know I'm not alone with this xxx

 

[SamRosemary]

Hey, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you.

It's been a while since I've been on here and things are ok. Am I cured? No. Do I care? Not really. Have I heard silence? Yes. Was it amazing? Yes. Can I live without it? Yes. Do I feel like I'd saw my own leg off to have permanent silence? Most days, yes. The whole tinnitus thing is a massive contradiction in itself, pining for something you know in your heart you don't truly need but my god you want it so bad, and sometimes it's the desire for something that stops you moving on. I don't think about the tinnitus in terms or wishing it away now, but I do all I can to relinquish the attachment to silence that I still seem to harbour.

I can do that in time. It'll just take more time and if after two years of this crap I haven't died then I'll probably make it through.

Other than that, life is pretty normal. I work more than I probably should, I go to the pub, I read books with no background noise, I sleep ok, I still have a terrible diet but some things just don't change

I still know it's not easy and I try not to dwell on the reduction in my quality of life that I know is apparent if I'm completely honest with myself, but I'm making it through.

And about the brain zaps, no they haven't gone away, they're violent when I'm falling asleep but yet again, there's nothing I can do about it and it's just another thing I wish wasn't there but is.

But then the other day I fell asleep and all I could hear was... nothing. So, so weird.

I hope you're all doing ok. It's still nice to know I'm not alone with this xxx

Hi Vicki,

I'm new here. Have had tinnitus just over 2 months. I really enjoyed reading your post and all your wonderful updates. The way you articulate your experience is very similar to how I'm feeling with it all. Just putting my thoughts together has been difficult.

Your type of tinnitus being oscillating is like mine. It's in and out of both ears, different tones and noises. I've been to the emergency room 3 times and tried to sign myself into the mental health ward, but you need a referral and to jump through hoops here - go figure.

But it's super nice to see that you're doing so well and basically back to your pre tinnitus self!

 

[Peter Q]

Hey, that's a lovely thing to say, thank you.

It's been a while since I've been on here and things are ok. Am I cured? No. Do I care? Not really. Have I heard silence? Yes. Was it amazing? Yes. Can I live without it? Yes. Do I feel like I'd saw my own leg off to have permanent silence? Most days, yes. The whole tinnitus thing is a massive contradiction in itself, pining for something you know in your heart you don't truly need but my god you want it so bad, and sometimes it's the desire for something that stops you moving on. I don't think about the tinnitus in terms or wishing it away now, but I do all I can to relinquish the attachment to silence that I still seem to harbour.

I can do that in time. It'll just take more time and if after two years of this crap I haven't died then I'll probably make it through.

Other than that, life is pretty normal. I work more than I probably should, I go to the pub, I read books with no background noise, I sleep ok, I still have a terrible diet but some things just don't change

I still know it's not easy and I try not to dwell on the reduction in my quality of life that I know is apparent if I'm completely honest with myself, but I'm making it through.

And about the brain zaps, no they haven't gone away, they're violent when I'm falling asleep but yet again, there's nothing I can do about it and it's just another thing I wish wasn't there but is.

But then the other day I fell asleep and all I could hear was... nothing. So, so weird.

I hope you're all doing ok. It's still nice to know I'm not alone with this xxx

Hi @Vicki3116, it's great to hear that you're coping and doing well. I think what stands to you is your pragmatic, common sense and rational approach. You seem to be at that stage of acceptance and normalisation whereby the tinnitus doesn't provoke that emotional fear factor. Gaining a sense of proportion and perspective is very important as it minimises the power of the tinnitus to grab and hold your attention. This is part of relinquishing the attachment to silence you mention.

Are you reading any interesting books? At the moment I'm rereading Charlotte Brontë's excellent "Villette".

 

[Andrei88]

Sorry to that this has happened to you!

I have had tinnitus and hyperacusis pain for over 10 years. In the beginning it made me extremely suicidal. After some time, and this will depend on person to person, I got used to the noise, it took about 2 years. Your brain can adapt. I know it's awful. You want it to stop and you may think how does silence sound, and the thought of knowing you cannot make it stop can cause high levels of depression and make you feel like you are going crazy.

Try, as hard as it is, to not overthink this all. Know that you did not suffer this due to acoustic trauma so there is hope for you! There is a chance yours will go away again! I know my cousin got bad tinnitus after he had COVID-19, he couldn't handle it, but now he is free from tinnitus again.

Hang in there! You will make it, it's going to be OK!

 

[grate_biff]

Sorry to that this has happened to you!

I have had tinnitus and hyperacusis pain for over 10 years. In the beginning it made me extremely suicidal. After some time, and this will depend on person to person, I got used to the noise, it took about 2 years. Your brain can adapt. I know it's awful. You want it to stop and you may think how does silence sound, and the thought of knowing you cannot make it stop can cause high levels of depression and make you feel like you are going crazy.

Try, as hard as it is, to not overthink this all. Know that you did not suffer this due to acoustic trauma so there is hope for you! There is a chance yours will go away again! I know my cousin got bad tinnitus after he had COVID-19, he couldn't handle it, but now he is free from tinnitus again.

Hang in there! You will make it, it's going to be OK!

How about the noxacusis? How can you live with that?

 

[Andrei88]

How about the noxacusis? How can you live with that?

That I have no answer for as I myself have it, and it gets very bad at times. I can live with the tinnitus but the worse is for sure the pain!

 

[Vicki3116]

How about the noxacusis? How can you live with that?

I have that sporadically, and I think the honest answer is... you live with it. You live with it the same way that others live with other conditions that they would rather not have. I work at the hospital and every day I see people in horrific pain, some acute conditions, some that are terminal and some that won't kill people but will never be cured. Having tinnitus and all the effects of it, and working where I do, has made me realise that no one is guaranteed a perfect, pain-free life. Our bodies do their own thing and we just go along for the ride. I'm sorry that you're suffering, I truly am and I'd take it away for you if I could xxx

 

[Vicki3116]

Hi @Vicki3116, it's great to hear that you're coping and doing well. I think what stands to you is your pragmatic, common sense and rational approach. You seem to be at that stage of acceptance and normalisation whereby the tinnitus doesn't provoke that emotional fear factor. Gaining a sense of proportion and perspective is very important as it minimises the power of the tinnitus to grab and hold your attention. This is part of relinquishing the attachment to silence you mention.

Are you reading any interesting books? At the moment I'm rereading Charlotte Brontë's excellent "Villette".

Hey, I've never read a Charlotte Brontë book I'm ashamed to say! I may have to give that a go. I read When Breath Becomes Air, an account of a neurosurgeon who suddenly found himself a patient in his own hospital and some of the realisations and challenges he discovered through this. I found it really interesting, the transition from consultant surgeon to patient and the fact that as high an esteem that you may be held in, you are still human and none of us can escape that xxx