I'm Not Committing Suicide. I'm Being Murdered by Merciless Tinnitus.
- Thread starter Bam
- Start date
- Status
Member
That's my whole dilemma. I say I want to end my pain but I am too scared to attempt something and for it to fail and I am also too scared to experience awful pain to achieve it. I already sat at train stations numerous times and knew I couldn't put someone else through that trauma and was too scared to do it. What a mess.
- Aug 14, 2013
- 2,455
- Tinnitus Since
- Resolved since 2016
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Unknown (medication, head injury)
Indeed it is pretty hard to post something – anything – post-mortem. But see this previous update of mine regarding stats on suicide and tinnitus (which contradicted the prior opinion that tinnitus does not lead to an increase in suicides – particularly for those with severe tinnitus...):
www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/why-you-shouldnt-be-afraid-of-suicide-stories.23862/#post-275711
Yeah, I'm just scared of failing. I'm not even scared of pain anymore. The things holding me back are my fear of failing and guilty feelings for the trauma I'd put my dad through.
- Feb 5, 2017
- 787
- Tinnitus Since
- 2016
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Fluconazole
- May 29, 2018
- 1,161
- Tinnitus Since
- 10/2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Neck/stress
- May 29, 2018
- 1,161
- Tinnitus Since
- 10/2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Neck/stress
Most people who kill themselves are either mentally ill, high on drugs or act on adrenalised impulse. Someone I know for example stabbed himself in the heart with a carving knife after his wife left him. He was fueled by rage, the desire to exact revenge......and whisky. It was an act that he surely would have regretted had he survived.
Our scenario is wholly different. It requires nerves of steal as it's incredibly premeditated and we're not insane or driven by revenge or rage.
19! I got tinnitus when I was 17 (actually when I was 15 but it was so faint I didn't notice it and tried to convince myself I was imagining it)
We just have to find a way to cope, by any means necessary. One of the few ways for me to cope with having such a nasty affliction is to try to keep some kind of perspective. We should all have happy for-filling lives but sadly this is not a reality for everyone, happiness is actually probably quite a rare luxury and a fleeting one at that no matter who you are, where your from or anything at all for that matter. Especially right now with all the war stuff on TV its like omg how privileged are we. How much do we sweat over things because they are not going perfect and idealistic. Its nice to be happy but life is cruel, totally cruel and it is a lottery you win sometimes and lose other times. Life here is cheap and fragile, embrace things in life you might have once taken for granted like life itself. Take it by the horns.
One minute, one hour, one day at a time, I try not to think too far ahead. The long haul of life does my head in and makes things worse for me. May we all find some peace one day no matter where we are.
Most of the time, sufferers need a space to vent because most people don't want to die, they just feel compelled to. It's terrifying to have that impending sense of doom at the back of your mind.
Also, the fact that a peaceful means for exit is not readily available is what's stopping a lot of people. Who wants to suffer even more because of a botched attempt?
Those who die by their own hand seem not to post about it because they've reached the end of the road. They've been silenced, dismissed, and ridiculed by insensitive people and insensitive comments, like the one you made.
Last edited:
Red
Member
If they were to post about it, it would mean that there was some level of caring in there. It's not to prove a point. If you're exiting, you're done. You might leave a suicide note for your loved ones but what is the point of posting about it? You don't need people trying to stop you or foil your attempts. Online, internet users might not be close enough to matter to the person. And if they were close to 1-2 people on an internet forum, surely it would be given in private.
- Apr 30, 2018
- 2,507
- Tinnitus Since
- 02/2018
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Single 25 mg dose of (anticholinergic) drug Promethazine
I have to admit I'm somewhat of a veteran when it comes to thinking about suicide. It's been off and on my mind for the past 30+ years as I struggled with a severe case of ME/CFS. During this time, I've read many discussions on an ME/CFS forum about it. Because of how debilitating and isolating CFS can be, a number of members on the forum did eventually commit suicide.
I had a fairly memorable dream about three years ago which I shared on that forum, and some of the insights I felt I'd gained from it. Thought I'd paste it below for anybody who might be interested. Much of it applies to my current thinking toward this recent onset tinnitus of mine. A couple of questions that were always paramount for me as I contemplated the pros and cons of making such a fateful decision were:
1) Is it in my spiritual interests to commit suicide?
2) I'm I going to be better off if I did so?
Quite honestly, though there were some very low moments when I tried to believe the answer to either one or both of those questions was yes, I could never believe it with a high degree of confidence. I would generally end up thinking that until I did have that high degree of confidence, I was likely be better off trying to address my challenges here as opposed to "there". -- Here's my dream experience:
........................................
I was driving down a road in a somewhat rural area near where I live. At some point, I decide my trip would be more interesting if I get out of my vehicle, and start walking. After a short while, I come to an intersection that leads to the interstate highway only a half mile away. That seemed even more interesting to me, and had me hearkening back to some of my younger days when I had done some hitchhiking. Ahhh, the open road...Freedom!
But then I got a nagging feeling. What about the vehicle I had left parked just off the road? No sooner did I have that thought, when I realized the vehicle was actually a rental, and that I had certain obligations that I couldn't just walk away from. So with a certain sense of resignation [but knowing I'm doing the right thing], I start heading back toward the rental vehicle.
As I was sharing this dream with my wife, I mentioned I wasn't sure how to interpret it at first, but as the morning wore on, it became pretty clear to me. Before I could share that "clarity", she busted out laughing–she knew exactly what this dream was portraying. She's long known I have many dreams with a vehicle in it, and that it's the primary symbol for my body. That the vehicle in this dream was a rental reflected that when I accepted this body for this lifetime, I accepted the responsibilities associated with this rental. — One would be--in my mind--not to abandon it.
—
To me, not abandoning the rental vehicle in my dream is analogous to not committing suicide. My wife and I have talked about how difficult it is for me to live in a body that is burdened with ME/CFS. I've told her that if my health doesn't improve–and if I was offered a spiritual choice–I would likely choose to depart this world sooner than later. But I also made clear that my preference is to live a full life, and that I would continue to do whatever I could to improve my health. I even resolved to be careful about the thoughts I let linger within myself–realizing thoughts eventually manifest in one way or another. Despite this resolve, this dreaded illness still tests me on an ongoing basis. What's helped a lot is coming to understand how a couple of my greatest vulnerabilities can cause me to start thinking in terms of dying.
First, my entire electrical system is extremely vulnerable to sensory stimulation, especially loud noises. I had a brief exposure to an industrial chipper a few months ago that made my system extremely fragile for several days. During this time, I kept feeling, "I just want to die". Though it weighed heavily on me during this whole time, having the understanding this was primarily a physical and emotional response helped me navigate that difficult period. Doing various energy balancing techniques helps pull me out of these kinds of episodes. — Secondly, I've also come to understand that when I occasionally experience intense morning depression and anxiety–which leave me with similar feelings of wanting to die–that these feelings are caused primarily by my system being very toxic. – Doing regular coffee enemas to support detoxification alleviates most of this depression and anxiety.
Key for me when dealing with suicidal thoughts or tendencies is knowing that they're part and parcel of having this disease, and that they're probably going to come and go in varying degrees for as long as I have this disease, or I die of natural causes. Whether they're caused by toxicity, sensory stimulation, one of life's bumps that becomes magnified many times over because of a misfiring brain and neurological system–or whatever–just knowing that they're coming, as well as being confident they will also be leaving, prepares me for when they do arrive. A big factor for me is knowing I have successful strategies handy that always work to pull myself out of a down cycle. – What also helps is my firm belief that doing my best to overcome whatever struggles come my way helps my spiritually in the grand scheme of things.
—
Regarding suicide from a spiritual perspective [for anybody who may be interested] — I personally believe in reincarnation, and my understanding is that suicide disrupts a natural rhythm of rest and "regrouping" that normally takes place between lifetimes. In the case of suicide, apparently Soul is normally sent back for rebirth almost immediately, with little to no preparation time (or rest). The reason for this "fast track" approach is to give Soul another opportunity to face the challenges it attempted to avoid. The lack of preparation however often makes the following lifetime more difficult than the one that was just left behind. — If this scenario is accurate, then someone's belief or hope that ending a lifetime will end their suffering may not necessarily be the case.
Getting back to my dream, I look at the body we inhabit at any given time as somewhat of a rental. Like other material things that may come our way, it's on loan to us for a finite period of time, and our responsibility is to use it to the best of ability to achieve certain spiritual goals. My own analogy is we're all here on Earth to smooth out some of our rough edges–perhaps similar to the eons of time water from the sea smooths out the rocks and stones on its shoreline. It's a polishing of Soul that takes time. But being optimistic by nature, I adhere to an adage I once read, "The wheels of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly well".
—
I'm a bit hesitant to make this post because I have total respect for everybody else's beliefs, and don't want to come across in a manner other than that. With this post, I mostly wanted to share that I believe my own physical and emotional feelings of sometimes "wanting to die" are caused by very specific things going on in my body, and are completely separate from my spiritual instincts to live and flourish. Being able to differentiate between the two has been incredibly helpful for me. For anybody who's had thoughts of suicide [who here hasn't at some point], I truly believe various coping methods that are unique to us individually can be discovered, and then utilized during times of crisis.
Living with ME/CFS continues to be extraordinarily challenging for me on many fronts, and often feels like it's almost more than I can handle. Though I often falter, my goal and resolution is to live as gracefully with these challenges the best I can—and part of that resolve is to never rush into a fateful decision when things are feeling bleak.
I had a fairly memorable dream about three years ago which I shared on that forum, and some of the insights I felt I'd gained from it. Thought I'd paste it below for anybody who might be interested. Much of it applies to my current thinking toward this recent onset tinnitus of mine. A couple of questions that were always paramount for me as I contemplated the pros and cons of making such a fateful decision were:
1) Is it in my spiritual interests to commit suicide?
2) I'm I going to be better off if I did so?
Quite honestly, though there were some very low moments when I tried to believe the answer to either one or both of those questions was yes, I could never believe it with a high degree of confidence. I would generally end up thinking that until I did have that high degree of confidence, I was likely be better off trying to address my challenges here as opposed to "there". -- Here's my dream experience:
........................................
I was driving down a road in a somewhat rural area near where I live. At some point, I decide my trip would be more interesting if I get out of my vehicle, and start walking. After a short while, I come to an intersection that leads to the interstate highway only a half mile away. That seemed even more interesting to me, and had me hearkening back to some of my younger days when I had done some hitchhiking. Ahhh, the open road...Freedom!
But then I got a nagging feeling. What about the vehicle I had left parked just off the road? No sooner did I have that thought, when I realized the vehicle was actually a rental, and that I had certain obligations that I couldn't just walk away from. So with a certain sense of resignation [but knowing I'm doing the right thing], I start heading back toward the rental vehicle.
As I was sharing this dream with my wife, I mentioned I wasn't sure how to interpret it at first, but as the morning wore on, it became pretty clear to me. Before I could share that "clarity", she busted out laughing–she knew exactly what this dream was portraying. She's long known I have many dreams with a vehicle in it, and that it's the primary symbol for my body. That the vehicle in this dream was a rental reflected that when I accepted this body for this lifetime, I accepted the responsibilities associated with this rental. — One would be--in my mind--not to abandon it.
—
To me, not abandoning the rental vehicle in my dream is analogous to not committing suicide. My wife and I have talked about how difficult it is for me to live in a body that is burdened with ME/CFS. I've told her that if my health doesn't improve–and if I was offered a spiritual choice–I would likely choose to depart this world sooner than later. But I also made clear that my preference is to live a full life, and that I would continue to do whatever I could to improve my health. I even resolved to be careful about the thoughts I let linger within myself–realizing thoughts eventually manifest in one way or another. Despite this resolve, this dreaded illness still tests me on an ongoing basis. What's helped a lot is coming to understand how a couple of my greatest vulnerabilities can cause me to start thinking in terms of dying.
First, my entire electrical system is extremely vulnerable to sensory stimulation, especially loud noises. I had a brief exposure to an industrial chipper a few months ago that made my system extremely fragile for several days. During this time, I kept feeling, "I just want to die". Though it weighed heavily on me during this whole time, having the understanding this was primarily a physical and emotional response helped me navigate that difficult period. Doing various energy balancing techniques helps pull me out of these kinds of episodes. — Secondly, I've also come to understand that when I occasionally experience intense morning depression and anxiety–which leave me with similar feelings of wanting to die–that these feelings are caused primarily by my system being very toxic. – Doing regular coffee enemas to support detoxification alleviates most of this depression and anxiety.
Key for me when dealing with suicidal thoughts or tendencies is knowing that they're part and parcel of having this disease, and that they're probably going to come and go in varying degrees for as long as I have this disease, or I die of natural causes. Whether they're caused by toxicity, sensory stimulation, one of life's bumps that becomes magnified many times over because of a misfiring brain and neurological system–or whatever–just knowing that they're coming, as well as being confident they will also be leaving, prepares me for when they do arrive. A big factor for me is knowing I have successful strategies handy that always work to pull myself out of a down cycle. – What also helps is my firm belief that doing my best to overcome whatever struggles come my way helps my spiritually in the grand scheme of things.
—
Regarding suicide from a spiritual perspective [for anybody who may be interested] — I personally believe in reincarnation, and my understanding is that suicide disrupts a natural rhythm of rest and "regrouping" that normally takes place between lifetimes. In the case of suicide, apparently Soul is normally sent back for rebirth almost immediately, with little to no preparation time (or rest). The reason for this "fast track" approach is to give Soul another opportunity to face the challenges it attempted to avoid. The lack of preparation however often makes the following lifetime more difficult than the one that was just left behind. — If this scenario is accurate, then someone's belief or hope that ending a lifetime will end their suffering may not necessarily be the case.
Getting back to my dream, I look at the body we inhabit at any given time as somewhat of a rental. Like other material things that may come our way, it's on loan to us for a finite period of time, and our responsibility is to use it to the best of ability to achieve certain spiritual goals. My own analogy is we're all here on Earth to smooth out some of our rough edges–perhaps similar to the eons of time water from the sea smooths out the rocks and stones on its shoreline. It's a polishing of Soul that takes time. But being optimistic by nature, I adhere to an adage I once read, "The wheels of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly well".
—
I'm a bit hesitant to make this post because I have total respect for everybody else's beliefs, and don't want to come across in a manner other than that. With this post, I mostly wanted to share that I believe my own physical and emotional feelings of sometimes "wanting to die" are caused by very specific things going on in my body, and are completely separate from my spiritual instincts to live and flourish. Being able to differentiate between the two has been incredibly helpful for me. For anybody who's had thoughts of suicide [who here hasn't at some point], I truly believe various coping methods that are unique to us individually can be discovered, and then utilized during times of crisis.
Living with ME/CFS continues to be extraordinarily challenging for me on many fronts, and often feels like it's almost more than I can handle. Though I often falter, my goal and resolution is to live as gracefully with these challenges the best I can—and part of that resolve is to never rush into a fateful decision when things are feeling bleak.
- Mar 6, 2018
- 496
- Tinnitus Since
- Jan 20/2018
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Most likely accoustic trauma
Some do, some don't...some are just so isolated, that they need someone to know and vent before they do it...some take longer than others...it's human nature.
I have no doubt in my mind, that the author of this thread (Bam) and many others are genuinely looking for their exit..the only thing that stops them (for now) are their obligations to others and fear of botching the job.
Make no mistake, once they manage to solve their dilemmas, they are on their way.
Your comments about being all talk serve only one purpose..to piss them off.
Obtaining the real data on tinnitus suicides is next to impossible, because most of them will be checked off as "mental illness".
Sometimes all we are left with are short haunting posts such as this one, where the author is never to be seen again:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/i-probably-will-end-it-all.28281/#post-326406
I have now boarded a flight to Mexico ...is there any specific advice anyone can give from their reading of a certain book which can assist me ?
Note: everyone else in holiday mode and me a dejected taut grim faced figure.
Note: everyone else in holiday mode and me a dejected taut grim faced figure.
Basshell, are you sure all hope is gone for you? Have you had loud tinnitus for a long time? - I see now from your profile you have had it since 1990 - was it milder at first? Do you have family and friends who would miss you and want to hang on for at least a few more years? @glynis and @Ed209 you often have some good insight on tinnitus suffering
I've taken inflight WiFi so I can answer this...
Personally, yes all hope has gone for me. I always had severe loud ringing tinnitus since 1990, high pitched static above all sound, tinnitus came along 5 years ago and whilst I had my bad times I managed to habituate to those sounds ok.
I mean I wanted them to go but I could / can manage them.
As of 6 months ago this awful rasping blasting pounding vibrating tinnitus came along and it completely flawed me. I have tried every technique I knew and know to start to habituate and seen every doctor and take every antidepressant. No gain whatsoever.
Day in day out hell. Genuinely makes me cry at least once a day. I could live with it in trauma or misery but I can't see that as viable. Whole life has gone to pieces. @Bam style. As said before, not saying I can go through with it but hoping I can. Have family but they just don't get it. Girlfriend is the only stumbling block as I would feel so guilty but I have impressed upon her how traumatised I am... not that it would help her if I couldn't go on.
Worse tinnitus for the last 6 months on top of years of other tinnitus is unbelievably shit and I really feel for you. I understand the despair, really - I have had a series of horrible things happen to me and tinnitus was just the last damn straw and I do have suicidal thoughts myself, serious ones. But it's such a final decision, obviously...with me it's my family keeping me here but...also, past experience that sometimes, out of the blue, horrible shit does surprise you and get better. Obvious point but I hope you've told your girlfriend how you feel...or someone IRL if she doesn't understand...
I don't mention the suicidal thoughts to her. Couldn't put her through that. Yes I'm saying on here because we are having a frank discussion.
I suppose I'm being a hypocrite because I don't tell my partner or parents I'm thinking these things- partly cos I know I won't do it right now cos I could not do that to them - but also cos my partner would get angry and my parents would be too upset. I do tell some people just how bad I've been feeling. But please, tell someone - access psych help - I am NOT one of these idiots who's not really suffered and thinks that's going to fix things...but it's worth a shot, talking about it to someone IRL and seeing how you feel. It's just suicide is so bloody final! Yes MH people have the power to section, but it is possible to discuss these thoughts without making it clear you have imminent intent, if you do. And if you are worried about the risk of that, even then it's at least worth a thought talking to the Samaritans etc. It is people who have not truly suffered who think talking makes everything better. It doesn't. But at the same time....sometimes, so many shit things happen to us, we'd explode if we didn't talk about them to someone, at some point.
I spoke to a couple of people on here which is something. Intellectually, talking to a GP, Samaritans or a shrink will have no effect on me. Seen it, done it, got the t shirt. Even the audiologist touched my arm as I walked out in a heart felt touch of sympathy . All well meant but isn't going to help me unfortunately.
I'm truly a lost case aren't I
I'm truly a lost case aren't I
Unless the tinnitus gets better. Where there's life there's hope. And life can surprise us.
Your profile says you're female but you sound like a bloke. Appreciate that as a stereotype talking might help women more. But society keeps saying to men they need to deal with their own problems and talking doesn't help and it's not right. It can help. A bit, sometimes.
But the bigger potential help is time. Time can surprise us.
Correct! I am a bloke. Use Facebook in joint name.
You are obviously an optimist. I get you . I guess im too tired to invest into hope i don't believe in. Never say never but I don't see it.
If so many of you guys are suicidal why not join me in my crusade to get organized like the aids patients in the early 90's and demand the FDA leave the hearing loss drug inventors alone and not burden them while they develop and test their drugs?
United we stand divided we fall. We need to start basically focusing on generating memes that criticize the FDA, posting new information that promotes regenerative medicine and also info that rips the FDA. There is no good reason the FDA should have anything to do with this. This technology is just too advanced and too profound.
I've made two threads about suicide and both of them I made while drunk. That's the only time I share my story. Literally couldn't give a shit about sharing it when sober.
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