I've Given Up on Life

[April]

Yes! I get headaches all the time but the pressure inside my head is constant.

 

[April]

@Sen Maybe just sitting outside in the sunshine would help you.

 

[Sen]

how is there no help for people like us?

 

[April]

Yeah, I wonder that too but don't want to dwell on it.

 

[Sen]

i can't help but dwell on it. my symptoms have consumed me. i can't do anything anymore because i'm too sick to do anything. what else am i supposed to think about? i have nothing in my life.

 

[April]

What was your life like before your anxiety and ear problems?

 

[Sen]

in 2012 i was working full time, preparing to go to university, seeing my friends every day, partying, going to concerts. everything was going well and i was happy. then my ear problems surfaced, got worse, and got worse again. i entered a deep depression and applied for disability as my entire life collapsed in front of me. i lost contact with all of my friends, most of my family, and began my life as a lonely, impoverished disabled person.

in 2014 i began to mitigate the symptoms with benzodiazepines and continued to do so for 2 and a half years. this allowed me to somewhat enjoy my time at home, but i still could not go out. now, as i taper from ativan, the symptoms are becoming unbearable again. it's unbearable just sitting here, let alone going outside. i'm only down to 1mg from 1.5mg so there is still a long way to go. i'm terrified my brain zaps are the next symptom to return.

i am beginning to have suicidal thoughts again. please do not suggest going to the emergency room because i've done that before and it is the opposite of helpful. every suggestion anyone makes is complete nonsense and never works or helps me at all.

 

[April]

@Sen You're right, other people's suggestions are coming from the right place, but usually don't amount to much but I know from my own experience that inside you, and only you, is the answer for coping and finding some enjoyment in your life. Don't give up on trying to get to that place where you'll get an inkling as to what to do for healing your life.

 

[Sen]

I can't even eat food without my jaw scraping against itself and flaring up the symptoms in my face.

 

[Sen]

I'm so god damn sick of this shit.

 

[Sen]

is staying on benzodiazepines forever a realistic solution? these symptoms are horrific and i'm going absolutely insane.

please help me for the love of god, someone save me. i am not strong enough for this.

 

[Sen]

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[April]

Matt, you're hurting, that goes without saying. Wish I could take a walk with you to just break the pattern of having your condition stop your life completely. YOU have to try to do something different, out of character, no matter how bad you feel. I've been where you are and this morning when I got up my eye was tearing because of the T, my face is numb because of the T, and the headache has forced me to take medication to get through the day BUT I've found that I have to keep going no matter how I feel. You can do this Matt. There are a lot of us here that know what you're going through but try to break the pattern if only for a little while. You're in my thoughts and I'm rooting for you.

 

[Sen]

i can't accept it.

 

[April]

None of us accept it. We all hold out hope that there will be a cure. In the meantime try to be proactive and do something, anything, that will lessen its hold on you. I'm not talking about big changes, but just something small that shows yourself that you will try, no matter how badly you feel. It doesn't have to take long either. It's just the act of doing something for yourself that will help you.

 

[Sen]

i have started going for walks recently but they don't help. i try to do little things all the time but none of it helps. none of it ever makes me feel better. i just feel emotionless and suffer as i do it.

 

[April]

Sure wish I had words of comfort but don't know what to say.

 

[gotyoubynuts]

Good news: you are not strong enough to kill yourself.

Bad news: you will suffer for the rest of your life if you don't deal with your problem headfirst. You have thought distortions and maladaptive behavior. CBT can be the answer for you.

 

[Sen]

Good news: you are not strong enough to kill yourself.

for now

 

[Sen]

interestingly enough i went through an entire multiple month long CBT therapy session before in my life for a much milder and unrelated problem and it didn't help at all. i really think there is nothing that can help me and that i am going to die relatively soon.

 

[Teri]

@MichaelM I am so happy to see a recent post in here from you. I often wonder how you are doing.

 

[foryourinfo]

Good news: you are not strong enough to kill yourself.

Bad news: you will suffer for the rest of your life if you don't deal with your problem headfirst. You have thought distortions and maladaptive behavior. CBT can be the answer for you.

If I didn't know better I'd say @Atlantis found himself a new pseudonym...

@dayl you are fortunate because people, who commit to the final act of ending their lives, don't advertise it. You know it yourself, you won't kill yourself. You just wanted some attention.

In any event, and regardless of the above, might I suggest to you never ever to apply for any of the following jobs:

• Counsellor
• Psychologist
• Psychotherapist
• Psychiatrist

 

[Sen]

I'm pretty sure most people who kill themselves talk about it beforehand. I had a friend who killed himself about 10 years ago now who had told people he was suicidal and even went to the emergency room about it at one point before he jumped off a suspension bridge.

Anyway, I reinstated my full ativan dose, so I'm "stable" for the time being. Symptoms are less pronounced and I am no longer having nightmarish panic attacks. But this leaves me with the problem of still being on ativan. I guess I'll have to figure out a long term plan within the next few months, perhaps I'll attempt a vallium slow taper as I've found success with this in the past.

Sorry for the abrasiveness over the past few weeks. This truly is a struggle. If I could stay on ativan forever I would, but I suspect at some point it will stop working, as drugs of this type tend to do, so the sooner I get off it, the better.

Also my jaw still feels incredibly messed up. I have no idea what to do in that regard.

 

[Dominic1955]

@Sen How bad is your hearing loss

 

[Sen]

I don't have any significant hearing loss as far as I know. I had an audiogram done in 2013 and it was normal. I haven't noticed any change in hearing since then.

 

[dan]

I'm pretty sure most people who kill themselves talk about it beforehand. I had a friend who killed himself about 10 years ago now who had told people he was suicidal and even went to the emergency room about it at one point before he jumped off a suspension bridge.

Anyway, I reinstated my full ativan dose, so I'm "stable" for the time being. Symptoms are less pronounced and I am no longer having nightmarish panic attacks. But this leaves me with the problem of still being on ativan. I guess I'll have to figure out a long term plan within the next few months, perhaps I'll attempt a vallium slow taper as I've found success with this in the past.

Sorry for the abrasiveness over the past few weeks. This truly is a struggle. If I could stay on ativan forever I would, but I suspect at some point it will stop working, as drugs of this type tend to do, so the sooner I get off it, the better.

Also my jaw still feels incredibly messed up. I have no idea what to do in that regard.

TMJ specialist

 

[Sen]

i went to the only one near me years ago and he had no idea what was wrong with me and was very quick to try and sell me a $2000 mouth piece anyway.

 

[Alue]

i went to the only one near me years ago and he had no idea what was wrong with me and was very quick to try and sell me a $2000 mouth piece anyway.

LOL, orthodontists are crooks, well the vast majority of them are. I'm assuming the "TMJ specialist" was an orthodontist.

What do you mean by your jaw seeming messed up? You are better off getting the opinion of a good orthgnathic surgeon if you are having jaw issues.

 

[Sen]

What do you mean by your jaw seeming messed up?

the right side of my jaw scrapes and grinds against itself when i open and close it, and it snags on itself when i chew. i don't know how else to explain it. when it does this, it appears to exacerbate my facial pain and numbness, and also exacerbate my eyelid twitch and ear fullness.

 

[Alue]

the right side of my jaw scrapes and grinds against itself. i don't know how else to explain it. when it does this, it appears to exacerbate my facial pain and numbness, and also exacerbate my eyelid twitch and ear fullness.

You should speak with a orthognathic surgeon about it. I could make guesses, but you're better off getting scans (x-rays and possibly a CT) and a full evaluation. I was planning on doing jaw surgery before I got tinnitus.