I've Given Up on Life

[Hunszi]

@Sen read my post

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/yes-i-can.16500/

The most important is that you have to accept you let`s say "fate"...I know it`s very very difficult to do so, but not impossible. Listen, I have a long journey with T...I have it since 2007, I didn`t protected my ears so it got worse 2 times once in 2014 and once in 2015. In the later year I developed ear pain and hypercausis as well. Last year I wanted to kill myself, because I was so sad about my situation...but hey, I`m still here and a few things have changed. Yes, I still have T, yes I still have H, but my mentality towards changed. No, I`m not habituated and probably I`ll never reach habituation once again. I know this because I was habituated 100% and I know that the situation was way more different back then so this will not happen anytime soon. The acceptance is the key here, this new life has to be the "normal" for you. If you can reach this state, things will change in a second.

 

[Sen]

i am unable to accept it though. i have severe anxiety and dark depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. maybe if i had a normal functioning brain i would be able to, but i do not.

 

[Hunszi]

Listen @Sen I know it`s really really hard...but you have to do it, because if you won`t then life will slowly eat you up. I feel pain in my ears every single day, if the T would not be enough, but I`m starting slowly to accept this, not because it not bothers me, but just because I must accept it, because if I won`t, slowly this madness will kill me, and I`ll never say surrender. NEVER. That`s not a solution.

I advise that you should check the movie "Peaceful Warrior" it`s a very good film in the state of yours, or "Cast away" or the "Bucket list".

 

[Sen]

You can tell me to accept it a thousand times and it won't put me any closer to accepting it.

I'm getting by for the time being, but I'm terrified for my future. All of my symptoms have worsened and it seems like the benzos barely help anymore.

Even if I manage to quit ativan and find a way to get through each day for the rest of my life, how will I survive when my parents are no longer able to support me? I cannot work. I have no savings. My inheritance won't last me more than a few years.

 

[Hunszi]

@Sen check the sotries of Zoe Cartwright or Darlene Cohen, they are the good examples.

 

[Sen]

Reading about people who have found happiness in their suffering only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel jealous and it makes me feel depressed that the best option for these people is to pretend that they're not suffering. I will never be able to accept it. I will suffer for the rest of my life, I will die, or I will get better. There are no other options for me. My brain will never work like the brains of people who overcome things in this way.

 

[Hunszi]

You don`t have to be jealous, because you can do it as well, search my posts what I wrote here around half year ago. Same posts like you, that I want to end this suffering and I want to die, because this is not life. Today...I`m who a few months ago said that my life is over is telling you that your life is not over, of course it`s changed, but it`s not over. I learnt a few things from my suffering, for example that I`m responsible for what I do, so if I let myself die I`ll worth to die, but someone up there gave me this life to do something with it, and not to thorw it away. No, I`m not a religous person, I was...back then, but today I just can`t be, but I know if I`ll give up trying I would spit myself in the face that you bastard you worth nothing...and if I don`t believe in myself nobody will.

Trust me, I really know what suffering is, I lost my best friend a few years ago when he hanged himself, I lost almost my mother, my father had a terrible accident, he needed to learn how to write or speak again now this T H thing happening with me...My grandpa fought in the II. World War, he lost one of his leg and was in a prison camp for a long period, but they never gave up. If one of them would gave up...I wouldn`t be here today so I won`t give up either...no matter what, because I`m the blacksmith of my fate and I won`t let myself down. This is the most important thing what you have to learn...that if you let yourself down, nobody will pull you up, you have to stand up for your own.

 

[Sen]

It's been 4 years and I haven't done it yet. There have been periods of mediocrity but zero good moments, and most of the time I just teeter between bad and awful.

If tinnitus was my only problem I'd be in heaven right now, despite its excruciating volume and frequency, but my condition and symptoms go so far beyond that.

I'm also not a strong person. I'm very weak and have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I've done CBT before and really tried my hardest, but it was a failure in every sense of the word. There really is no help for some people, and I believe that I am one of those people. I cannot change my mindset. 4 years in and I'm not getting any better.

 

[Tamalak]

Reading about people who have found happiness in their suffering only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel jealous and it makes me feel depressed that the best option for these people is to pretend that they're not suffering.

Great way to put it and I agree 100%. I had T for 4 years including 18 months where it was horrible and nonstop and ruined my life. I never even considered 'accepting' it and instead found a solution for the problems. My T is now gone for over a year.

You are young, your body CAN heal. Break your habits, get in shape, change your diet, change how and where you sleep, get off the drugs and the sound masks. There is a solution out there somewhere. You don't have to suffer and you don't have to put on a fake smile.

Your problems are physical. They are made of stuff. Stuff can be fixed.

 

[Mike TerMaaten]

I'm in the exact same situation it's tough as if T alone isn't enough but stupid H decides to join the party.

It's because when your Ears are ringing ..they are in a very sensitive and damagable state.

When a person first gets T. ..they really do need to re-organize and re-prioritize their daily life ....meaning learning to spend more time away from Noise and out in Quiet Nature.

If not, ..your hurt/ ringing/ damaged ears ..can just get even worse.


I learned this. And then IMMEDIATELY changed my life. ..my lifestyle ..my daily ruitine

more time in Parks and quiet environmnets ..to give my Ear Nerve the time it needed to Heal.

 

[April]

@Mike TerMaaten I agree with you that getting out around sound is very important for healing and making the condition less sensitive. When I first got T, nature was the soothing salve to help me mentally cope. However, the condition got worse and I eventually also developed HL and H. Where before the river and ocean sounds had a calming effect on me the H made those same sounds almost unbearable. Still refusing to give up on being in nature, I started taking walks in the forest and mountains nearby but I became very paranoid as I couldn't hear twigs snapping or something approaching (we have mountain lions and bears) and although it was wonderful to be out again, my anxiety level went sky high and I stopped. Parks just aren't my thing so am trying to find a solution.

 

[Sen]

@April do you work? how do you make a living?

one of my major worries is how i'm going to survive when my support runs dry. i am too sick to do manual labor and my hands are in too much pain to work from home (i can only type/move the mouse for maybe an hour or two a day), not to mention the crippling depression and anxiety my symptoms cause me make the stresses of work virtually impossible for me to endure (i have enough trouble slogging through each day as it is, and this will undoubtedly worsen when i discontinue my medication). my inheritance won't last for the rest of my life, and the disability i collect is not enough for a living situation that can accommodate my health issues.

i think the universe wants me out.

 

[Ring Ding]

I feel your pain Matt , I have only had the hearing problems for fourteen weeks but every day feels like it is a million years long. I've actually had some form of tinnitus my whole life. For over 30 tears I was able to completely ignore the T at all times. I only had to sleep with a fan for comfort at night. My T did not ever change. Diet had no effect, smaking and drinking didn't make it worse. I could live normal with no concerns really. I had no idea that even if you already had tinnitus it could get worse. I figured the dammage is already done and the next thing to happen would be hearing loss. Well I can still pass a hearing test with flying colors. I want to take these audiologists and give them a good slap.

I got crippled last year from a tetanus vaccination, I was so weak I could almost not even move or lift up my kids. I am still trying to heal from that too. That turned out to be mercury poisoning. I am hoping that as i continue to detox some of the hearing issues that popped up will resolve but I don't really know what will happen with that. It's so sad to say but I just want my old tinnitus back ! Also to walk and not be in pain would be nice too.

As much as i would like to give up, I am not in a position to do so. I have a wife and three kids. I still have to go to work every day and be a father and all that stuff. Imagine having to go with your kids to Sesame Place while you have hayperacusis. The place is rigged with speakers blasting out kid music all day. It was like pure torture. going into manhattan and taking three trains every day is also torture now. I don't really have a choice though. I need to keep supporting my family. I try to convince myself that it will get better but aside from the searing pain in my ears that lasted for over ten weeks there has been little improvement. I can barely hear because my ears are closed and feel very full and I can hear my tinnitus more than anything. The list of complaints just keeps going.

Just know you are not alone in your suffering. I hope that things will improve for you somehow.
I hope things will get better for everyone on this forum because really this is like one of the worst places for us to end up. Argh !

 

[April]

my inheritance won't last for the rest of my life, and the disability i collect is not enough for a living situation that can accommodate my health issues

You are creating so much anxiety for yourself worrying about the future that you really don't have any control over. Try to stay focused on the here and now and ask yourself what you can do to feel better mentally right now. Your physical ailments may or may not improve, so how you deal with them, and your life is up to your attitude. I'm just sayin' a little time spent away from worry and 'what if' can go a long way.

 

[Sen]

@April if i don't worry about the future right now and figure out a plan, i'll be worrying about it a LOT more when the future actually gets here and it's too late.

 

[April]

if i don't worry about the future right now and figure out a plan, i'll be worrying about it a LOT more when the future actually gets here and it's too late.

If you can concentrate now on helping your OCD and anxiety issues that will have a direct effect on your future. Right now you're assuming that nothing will change and it probably won't unless you work on the issues that are limiting you. Your future could be much different than you imagine it right now.

 

[Sen]

@April how do you make a living? since you overcame your anxieties about your health problems, i assume you are able to work and currently working?

i'm not sure how i'll ever be able to work. i can't use my hands for anything for long periods of time. am i supposed to use my elbows? how will solving my anxieties and OCD change my physical situation?

 

[Sen]

I am unsure how to survive over the long term with my plethora of debilitating health problems. I am in my late 20s, I only have a high school diploma and was struck with my current condition before I was able to attend any post-secondary.

I have severe hyperacusis and tinnitus, vertigo, ear pain, headaches, facial numbness/pain, chronic pain in my hands and arms that render me unable to type or use computers for extended periods of time, severe depression/anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies. I am not physically or psychologically capable of maintaining employment. My physical and mental condition is no joke, and I struggle to make it through each day even without the stresses of working.

I currently collect disability and live with my parents. The amount I receive is barely enough to afford a room and food. This is fine in my parents home, because they are quiet people and the house is quiet. The problem I'm facing is in the long term future when I am no longer able to stay here. To add insult to injury, I rely on my audiologist, neurotologist and family doctor to validate my disability to social assistance programs so that I may receive benefits.

So not only will there come a time when I can no longer live with my parents, there will also come a time when my current doctors discontinue their practice, and future doctors may or may not acknowledge my problems in the same way. The problems I have are not exactly typical disabilities, and there is no meaningful way to test or measure them apart from my subjective testimonies.

I have no savings, no investments, and any potential inheritance will be small and likely not enough to survive on for long.

Frankly, I feel I am doomed. I feel that 20 years down the road I will be forced to live in extremely painful shared living conditions, forced to live on the streets, or forced to end my life as a result of having no adequate means to survive.

Advice is appreciated. I hope that responses will be empathetic as opposed to judgmental. I know that this can be a touchy issue for some people.

 

[Path Maker]

Matt, I don't pretend to have the long answer for you <3 but after reading your post, I have to say this: you are a skillful writer with a beautiful command of language. That's a talent. I hope that maybe you can find some way to use that, even if in a self-employed kind of way, and even if in a part-time kind of way. Good things can come, little by little, if you use the hour here and the hour there to start and build upon something. I hope this was helpful.

 

[thekid]

Hi,
I've been lurking here for a while but decided to make an account today. Do you mind if i ask you a question because all your problems are remarkably similar to mine. I know this might sound stupid but could you go to the mirror (a large one if you have one where you can see your full body standing up) and take your t shirt off. Stand feet side by side and and up straight and let your body stand as naturally as possible. Don't force yourself to stand straight. Keep your arms by your sides. Now have a look if your shoulders are at an even height or one is higher than the other. Look carefully because sometimes it's hard to see.

 

[Sen]

@thekid it's hard to tell but i think my left shoulder is slightly higher than the right shoulder, maybe 1/4 to 1/2 an inch? of course i might just be seeing things. why do you ask? isn't it kind of normal for people to be slightly asymmetrical?

 

[thekid]

Just curious. i have a theory on what might be a catalyst for people getting hyperacusis. it is crazy to me that millions of people go to clubs and venues that are much louder than anything i ever played in my room and never get anything. i listen to my music in my room occasionally loud but mostly moderate and i get this where as millions of others never do. what made me more susceptible? and others like me? how come i listened super loud when i was younger and got nothing and when i got older and my lifestyle changed i got it with much less music use and at much lower volumes and smaller time periods. i noticed on one of your posts you talked about TMJ problems etc which a lot of hyperacusis /tinnitus sufferers get. so i started doing some research. which is why i asked about your shoulders. can i ask you, if ?one ear is more full/tense than the other and if so is it the side where the shoulder is higher or not.

 

[Sen]

each ear has different symptoms, but overall i'd say my left is slightly worse. it's the one with the louder tinnitus, the worse hyperacusis, the more intense middle-ear muscle spasms, and the "grinding" tinnitus i get when my vertigo is at its worst.

my right ear feels full more often though, and the right side of my jaw is the side that grinds and scrapes against itself. the right side of my face is the side that has the tension/numbness/pain as well.

 

[Path Maker]

Matt - you have a bright mind. It's evident.

There are ways to write with a computer with voice-activated devices. There are people with complete paralysis who use all sorts of devices. I am not minimizing your difficulties, but it would be helpful to pump your energies into self-MAXIMIZING your strengths.

 

[Sen]

the reason i posted a new thread was to gain more visibility. merging it back with this thread defeats the purpose. can't believe i spent all that time typing for nothing, just to be herded back here.

 

[Sen]

Matt - you have a bright mind. It's evident.

There are ways to write with a computer with voice-activated devices. There are people with complete paralysis who use all sorts of devices. I am not minimizing your difficulties, but it would be helpful to pump your energies into self-MAXIMIZING your strengths.

it hurts my ears to talk, especially for long periods of time.

even if i were able to somehow manage this, i am not mentally stable enough to work. it is too stressful for me to endure on top of everything i already endure.

 

[Hunszi]

@Sen I have a question for you, it`s a poetical question, you don`t have to answer just think about it.

How do blind people live when they parents passed away? and you have to agree, blindness is a much more serious issue than T/H.

I`ll answer...they find the way to live life even though they have serious disability. Search for famous blind people...you will be suprised. Just imagine...you don`t see anything, and what about blind-deaf people like Helen Keller, but even though this seeeeerious condition she got a bachelors degree, she became an author, a lecturer, an activist and she lived like this for 87 years!!!

I`m suffering as hell, I could cry every single morning, but these stories lift me up that it`s possible to make wonders. You just say that you feel sad that you won`t reach this state when you read about such stories. That`s why me and a bunch of people here say that your main problem is with your mentality, when you can change your mentality, things will change gradually. Believe me.

When I`m sad or anxious my symptoms are much more worse.

Check out this video, it`s about positive mentality, Sam knew he will die shortly, because there is no cure for his condition, but he still said these lines.

 

[Sen]

blind people are given the accommotations necessary to live because it's a socially accepted disability. they have workers who are readily willing to help them, and they receive enough money in benefits to survive. this is very much not the case for hyperacusis and chronic pain.

also consider that some blind people do not find the same kind of success as others. cherrypicking the positive stories does not give you an accurate picture of how the average blind person manages on a daily basis. i am sure that those who are blind with mental illness do not succeed nearly as often as those who are blind without a mental illness. nobody tells the sad stories; they're not what people want to hear.

hellen keller was blind and deaf at a very early age, so she grew up with it, and it is all she knew. she did not have any experience to contrast it with. she also had very good teachers and a lot of help. adaptation to this type of thing is much easier when it begins at an early age. she is also very likely a stronger and smarter person than me, and does not have any innate mental illnesses.

the same also applies to Sam. he was born with the condition and has a massive support network.

 

[Hunszi]

Matt...I could give you a bunch of names who became ill in their "mid" life, but still they became succesful like Zoe Catwright...she became deaf with T at 15 years old, but she is still here.

Anyhow. I agree with the massive support group, BUT...how do you want to build up a supporting group around you if you just not willing to change and you keep saying that you are worthless. If Sam would sat in the room all day long and feel sorry for himself do you believe somebody would support him except her parents? No...

 

[Sen]

There's the problem with mental illness. I've been struggling with anxiety and depression all my life, and it has more recently evolved into an obsessive compulsive type disorder. I am not mentally (nor physically) strong. I managed to get by before my health problems, but I cannot manage to get by afterward.

I could give you a bunch of names who became ill in their "mid" life, but still they became succesful like Zoe Catwright...she became deaf with T at 15 years old, but she is still here.

Again, this is cherrypicking. You've left out the examples of stories with sad endings. Stories with happy endings don't paint the full picture.

If Sam would sat in the room all day long and feel sorry for himself do you believe somebody would support him except her parents?

Sitting in my house all day is more or less my only option, because leaving the house is too painful and too risky. I can leave very briefly for a trip to the store or for a walk, but if I am exposed to a very loud noise it could be all over for me.

One of the reasons my symptoms are so much worse right now may be because I was exposed to a deafeningly loud racing bike while on a walk. The guy kept revving it and revving it right next to me, and here I am, in the midst of worst setback (possibly permanent worsening) I've had in the 4 years I've had hyperacusis.. This is why I don't leave the house. One slip up, even beyond my control, and I can lose what little I have left of my life.