My Girlfriend Is Leaving Me

[bill 112]

I am just lost right now and really need some solid hard advice as I simply don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend broke down crying and told me she was leaving as there simply is no future with me anymore, that I'm not trying hard enough for her and I know that she is right, I'm not.
She has been my rock throughout all of this mess and losing her is just simply too much to bare right now.
I'm in a constant state of fear, depression and anxiety because I'm too afraid to make an already horrible situation any worse, I'm letting my fear and suffering stop my life entirely and as such she feels all but abandoned and who could blame her.

She understands the suffering I'm in but the fact that I've only worsened since this started she feels she has done all she can do for me, she's not asking me to go to concerts but just to try a little more, get out a little that's all she asks but I don't know if I can do it, what if I get even worse?

What should I do, I can't live without her and I'm just lost here right now.....

 

[Mark Beehre]

Sounds tough Bill. How long have you had tinnitus?

 

[fishbone]

I am just lost right now and really need some solid hard advice as I simply don't know what to do anymore.

My girlfriend broke down crying and told me she was leaving as there simply is no future with me anymore, that I'm not trying hard enough for her and I know that she is right, I'm not.
She has been my rock throughout all of this mess and losing her is just simply too much to bare right now.
I'm in a constant state of fear, depression and anxiety because I'm too afraid to make an already horrible situation any worse, I'm letting my fear and suffering stop my life entirely and as such she feels all but abandoned and who could blame her.

She understands the suffering I'm in but the fact that I've only worsened since this started she feels she has done all she can do for me, she's not asking me to go to concerts but just to try a little more, get out a little that's all she asks but I don't know if I can do it, what if I get even worse?

What should I do, I can't live without her and I'm just lost here right now.....

Wow, this is a tough one. If that is the same gal from the picture, she is very pretty. To some degree she is right, don't let tinnitus totally stop you from living life. I have dated and almost married a very beautiful gal and she was high maintenance and wanted to have lots of fun. She wanted to go see movies, go to restaurants and just wanted to enjoy her life.

Tinnitus makes all of this very difficult, trust me i know this firsthand. We use to go to the movies almost once a week and I had to wear earplugs or else id have pain in my ears after the movie was over. You have to make this gal happy and make yourself happy. If you love her, then try to squash some of your limitations.

Tinnitus does not mean that life is over, not at all. Do what you do, but just protect your ears. If this gal is worth it, then make it work, don't throw in the towel and let her go away because of tinnitus. Get out of your comfort zone and hold unto the love of your life. You can do anything you want, but just use earplugs in loud places.

I totally understand your situation, my ex was a British/ blonde her, blue eyes sexy angel and boy she was amazing and a great lover and we parted ways. I still think of this gal and its been 20 years. Don't make that mistake and let tinnitus rob you of something like that......

 

[Samantha R]

@bill 112
How are things going at the moment with your hyperacusis?

I am sorry to hear this news about your girlfriend.
From what you've been saying, you actually can't 'try' any harder! Your hyperacusis has
Worsened from seemingly innocuous exposures. You said yourself many times it was you pushing yourself too much that caused this, trying to 'keep up' with your girlfriend.

This is difficult, but you've got to focus on yourself and getting to a better place with your hyperacusis.
Your girlfriend obviously still loves you very much, but you've got to ask yourself if you are really in a position to continue the relationship right now? It's a hard journey for you, you've spoken here of suicidal ideation due to the extreme hyperacusis. It's hard for you to do basic things, let alone manage a relationship.
So I guess what I'm trying to say as hard as it might be for you, maybe this is for the best right now while you focus on getting yourself better - your surgery and maybe stem cells if you still go down that road.

You've got a loving, supportive family around you, and I'm sure you can still remain friends with your girlfriend.
Who knows what might happen in the future and maybe this is the very motivation you need to take the plunge on some of these experimental treatments you've been thinking of.

Sam x

 

[Lex]

I agree with Sam here. I think she gave you great advice.

Also, you can have a few good weeks with your girlfriend, but what about the years ahead? It sounds like you really love her and want to make it long-term with her, but how can that happen if you become far worse down the road as a result of pushing yourself too hard now? She may stay at the moment but she'll leave later. People who want to leave will find ways.

I understand wanting to do everything to make her stay, but it's not wise to do that at the expense of your health. T is bad in itself, but it gets even harder with painful H thrown in. It's better to focus all your energy on taking care of yourself and getting better so that sometime in the future, you and your girlfriend can have a second chance, if both of you still want to by then. What happened to the stem cell treatment you were planning to get in Bangkok?

And remember, relationships fall apart for many reasons, even those that have lasted for decades. The important thing is that when they do fall apart, you still have yourself to fall back on.

 

[Candy]

This could go two ways: you either take this opportunity to concentrate on getting better without the added pressure of having to please someone else or you withdraw even more.
I think the former is preferable - you regroup, look for new ways forward and don't constantly feel you can't deliver. When you are ready again and in a better place you can see if she's still open to a relationship.

You can get through this, you've dealt with t and h, you can do anything x

 

[Amber]

Leave the bitch. What if... you got into an accident and became forever bed bound? She would ditch you like a used condom.

 

[Ed209]

Bill, I really feel for you. When life gets hard it's seems all the challenges come at once, paralysing our emotions. None of us here know the ins and outs of what you've been through together, only you do, and only you know if you truly love this girl. Giving advice in this respect can never be binary. If you feel you'll suffer more losing this girl then try to come to an understanding with her, and use this bridge as a platform to genuinely better yourself. Get some counselling and try to make some changes to your life that will give both of you every chance of sincere happiness together. Anything is possible. We can always reach the light from the darkest of dark places.

On the other hand, if you feel the pressure of this relationship is going to detrimentally affect your mental health, than it's probably best to let her go. Only you know this deep down however; no one on here does.

I think in your heart you already know the answer.

Take care Bill

 

[Elinor]

Leave the bitch. What if... you got into an accident and became forever bed bound? She would ditch you like a used condom.

I ask again, where is the dislike button in this forum?

 

[Fangen]

Hello Bill!

I'd suggest some couple counseling perhaps? Maybe it would would help you both to understand each other even better?
I am not sure what exact "trying harder" means in terms of your relationship, and if that goal is achievable. Sometimes people set demands on us and most time, even if we reach it, it is still not good enough. I understand you love her and maybe it haven't been as great as you wish it was. But it is hard for you and I bet my money that you have tried a lot even if you don't think so. Relationships are not forever. Do what is the best for you, if that is the girl or if you feel that your health is more important. I've left and been left by people that I never thought I'd be able to live without and yet here I am, without a single thought of them today.

Sometimes you meet people that are amazing and you love them, but the timing is not right. Maybe you are not in the right position in life to handle that relationship. Maybe it is better for you to take care of yourself and you will find someone equally great if not even better when you have found a better foundation to stand on. You will always have yourself, and sometimes you simply need to prioritize yourself first.

No matter what you chose here, I am sure you will make the right choice

 

[Christophe_85]

Hey Bill I am very sorry for your situation...

But how can we be with someone with this shit in our lives ???

We cannot go out in loud places, movies, concerts and many many other things !

Even for work or just go to some friends, everything is too loud !

And we are also depressed and at this point it is impossible to find a girl, why in the name of everything would they choose us instead of a normal man ???

It is very common that women leave their men because they are depressed... No wonder why the men kill themselves much more !

 

[Sam Bridge]

Hey Bill I am very sorry for your situation...

But how can we be with someone with this shit in our lives ???

We cannot go out in loud places, movies, concerts and many many other things !

Even for work or just go to some friends, everything is too loud !

And we are also depressed and at this point it is impossible to find a girl, why in the name of everything would they choose us instead of a normal man ???

It is very common that women leave their men because they are depressed... No wonder why the men kill themselves much more !

Speak for yourself on most of that stuff.

 

[BLane]

Leave the bitch. What if... you got into an accident and became forever bed bound? She would ditch you like a used condom.

Amber's right. If her 'future' is more important than her commitment and love for you, then I'd say she wasn't really invested in the first place. You don't need people like that in your corner. Tell her you'll be willing to go out any time she wants as long as she straps a fire alarm to her ears first. On the flip side, your T is gonna be horrible whether you do stuff or not....so might as well live your life to the fullest extent possible, preferably with someone more devoted to you.

 

[Christophe_85]

Speak for yourself on most of that stuff.

As I can see many times in my life, it is very common...

 

[PatrickG]

Leave the bitch. What if... you got into an accident and became forever bed bound? She would ditch you like a used condom.

You don't care. You just want to project your hate on others at every chance you get. Do you ever get satisfied with your negativity?

 

[Mario martz]

Bill, i know its very hard to deal with losing someone you love.
but i think you could totally use this time to focus on getting better, focus to work on yourself.
seek counseling with a psychotherapist. this has worked WONDERS for me, im not cured, but im feeling a lot better.
i dont freak out as i used to, i dont end up in ER or ask for help from others.
my therapist has been very direct to me and hes like
no matter what, nothing justifies living on fear... so i try to live to the fullest, please seek this kinda therapy its gonna work wonders for your mood and inner peace.
i cant even consider having a partner right now.. with all of this mess going on....
but i do feel better.

 

[Ed209]

Bill, i know its very hard to deal with losing someone you love.
but i think you could totally use this time to focus on getting better, focus to work on yourself.
seek counseling with a psychotherapist. this has worked WONDERS for me, im not cure, but im feeling a lot better.
i dont freak out as i used to, i dont end up in ER or ask for help from others.
my therapist has been very direct to me and hes like
no matter what, nothing justifies living on fear... so i try to live to fullest, please seek this kinda therapy its gonna work wonders for your mood and inner peace.
i cant even consider having a partner right now.. with all of this mess going on....
but i do feel better.

I think I need to see him Mario! I'm trying my absolute best to keep my sanity but I'm cracking at the seems. I think Bill would also benefit significantly, but I think it all comes down to finding the right person. Obviously you have which I'm really glad to see.

 

[Christophe_85]

Bill, i know its very hard to deal with losing someone you love.
but i think you could totally use this time to focus on getting better, focus to work on yourself.
seek counseling with a psychotherapist. this has worked WONDERS for me, im not cured, but im feeling a lot better.
i dont freak out as i used to, i dont end up in ER or ask for help from others.
my therapist has been very direct to me and hes like
no matter what, nothing justifies living on fear... so i try to live to the fullest, please seek this kinda therapy its gonna work wonders for your mood and inner peace.
i cant even consider having a partner right now.. with all of this mess going on....
but i do feel better.

I think it is impossible to be with someone who has not T and H !

All the little things that we cannot do and cannot enjoy life as it is very loud everywhere...

And especially when we are young !

 

[Ed209]

I think it is impossible to be with someone who has not T and H !

All the little things that we cannot do and cannot enjoy life as it is very loud everywhere...

And especially when we are young !

Hi Christophe, I hope you're having a better day today because I know you are also really suffering. However, when you say it's impossible to be with someone who doesn't have T or H, it is wrong. That's your depression talking.

People have partners all over the world with significant health problems. It's down to the people. Some will fight through anything together, and be truly in love and happy. It's not always a bed of roses but in no way impossible.

We have to do what's best and right for us. We don't really know the intricacies of their relationship, so it's hard for anyone of us here to judge or give advice.

 

[Christophe_85]

Hi Christophe, I hope you're having a better day today because I know you are also really suffering. However, when you say it's impossible to be with someone who doesn't have T or H, it is wrong. That's your depression talking.

People have partners all over the world with significant health problems. It's down to the people. Some will fight through anything together, and be truly in love and happy. It's not always a bed of roses but in no way impossible.

We have to do what's best and right for us. We don't really know the intricacies of their relationship, so it's hard for anyone of us here to judge or give advice.

I have seen and read on other forums too many times the fact that women leave their men because of depression, and when I see the thread of Bill it keep going this way !

I have chronic depression and T + H so I would like to accept the fact that this is too complicated to have a girlfriend but unfortunatly I cannot do it...

I just hope that Bill will go through this !

 

[Mario martz]

I think I need to see him Mario! I'm trying my absolute best to keep my sanity but I'm cracking at the seems. I think Bill would also benefit significantly, but I think it all comes down to finding the right person. Obviously you have which I'm really glad to see.

Yes Ed!!
i encourage you to find a great therapist! please do it, its gonna be a life saver, totally worth it
mine is very good, i used to know him before i even started to take therapy.
and hes a life warrior have gone through some fucked up hell and still manages to have a good life.
obviously nobody can understand us 100% with tinnitus, but can realate.
my therapist have helped me to locate my inner problems, how to break the cycle of anxiety, helped me to focus on the good, and dont get attached to the bad, work on my selfestem.

and it has helped me Ed a lot, would like for you the same!

 

[Mario martz]

I think it is impossible to be with someone who has not T and H !

All the little things that we cannot do and cannot enjoy life as it is very loud everywhere...

And especially when we are young !

I agree but i also disagree,
life is complicated but there are people with more difficult conditions with partners.
i think it depends on the person tbh
i dont wanna start a relationship but only because i need to pay attention to my health and inner peace.
but im looking forward to get married one day hahaha
you are gonna find someone, sooner or later

 

[Lex]

We don't really know the intricacies of their relationship, so it's hard for anyone of us here to judge or give advice.

But she already explicitly said she's leaving. It's not hard to see where it's going from there.

Granted, she did seem open to negotiation when she said she wanted to see him go out a little more. But that thing she's asking for is currently impossible given @bill 112's present state, based on his posts. And as @Samantha R said, he has often mentioned he got worse trying to live a normal life with his girlfriend.

It's either his girlfriend is underestimating how bad T and H can be even after seeing him suffer the way he does, or she specifically asked for something that she knows he can't deliver, so she can walk away with less guilt. Either way, it's not good for him.

But I can't blame his girlfriend, either. She's young, probably same age as or younger than him. She doesn't want to feel limited, and unlike him, she has the option to walk away.

 

[Bobby B]

Most women will always run away from guys who are weak and not confident .That just the way it is.

Especially the good looking ones who have lots of options in terms of guys.

And I guess chronic depression is another sign of weakness to them.

My suggestion is to keep your weakness and issues to yourself - the part that I like about being with a woman is that I can actually forget about all that by talking about everything BUT my ear issues... makes it a lot easier to forget and enjoy the break.

 

[PaulBe]

Actually Bill, let her go. Not because of what Amber said (there's always a devil's advocate somewhere), but because of what you said. You both deserve a future and right now you can't be all that she needs, as you know yourself. You are both young and you both need and deserve a future, but right now you can't do that with each other as things are. Let her go her way with love and understanding. Use the moment and be bigger than your own pain. In time, who knows....

 

[PaulBe]

And just as I posted the power here went out.

 

[bill 112]

Thanks for all the advice guys I really appreciate it but I'll just give you some backround on our relationship and what's currently going on.

When I met her I had mild T and mild H and she was very understanding of my limitations and she herself was not one for loud places either. This to me was a god send, I honestly thought I'd never find a girl who was quiet but I did and of course I was ecstatic. We didn't go to loud places but we were always out shopping together or having meals in nice restaurants that weren't too loud and the rest was just everyday living, nothing I couldn't handle. We always planned ahead just like the time we went to London, we went by boat instead of flying as it was quieter and of course me and her packed the best earplugs we could find.

The thing is the relationship didn't ruin my ears, it was one off noise exposures that destroyed me and as such I was left to pick up the pieces! Had these not happened I would still be who I was two years ago. Nonetheless in March last year my H and T skyrocketed and I fell into an extremely dark place but she stuck by me every second of the way, she literally could not have done anymore for me! She purchased the best earmuffs and earplugs she could find, bought me numerous supplements the list just goes on and on of what this girl did for me so she's by no means a selfish person in all of this. Then the dentist worsened me further in December and she still stuck by me saying she'll never give up on me that was until I was worsened yet again in February. Now she just feels like there's nothing she can do for me, that I don't pay her any attention and that its all about the ears with me, she's not after a magical relationship but just that I try and do the little things with her whether it be going to her mothers house or watch a movie together, just the smaller things that's all she asks.

She's also the one pushing me to do Stemcell therapy and RWR but I'm just too depressed to do anything, I've just given up on myself and I think this is the reason she wants to leave, that I've just given up on life. We were talking last night and she wants to stay, she loves me but I'm not trying to help myself as she puts it, I'm not fighting for life or trying and she just can't handle watching me like that anymore.
She said if I book my appointment for RWR she'll come back, to prove to her that I'm not rolling over and giving up.

I'm also stuck in a deep state of fear and anxiety of making things even worse and of course that isn't helping matters either so I just sit in my house all day afraid to do anything.

She's not to blame for any of this, none of this is her fault, all she wants is for me to try and as of yet I don't know if I can do it.

 

[Michael Leigh]

@bill 112

Hello Bill,
I am very sorry to hear of the circumstances with your girlfriend and hope that you both will be able to work through this, because I believe there is a lot of love here that's worth saving. You have said your girlfriend broke down crying which is a clear indication to me and I hope to you, that she's caring and has some understanding of the emotional difficulties your tinnitus and hyperacusis has been putting you through. And is nothing like the person that Amber describes.

You are an articulate and intelligent person that is plain to see from the many posts that you have written in this forum. However, if I may so and please forgive my candour, this has been marred by a lot of negativity that I don't think has done you any good and I believe you know what I'm talking about so won't elaborate. Your girlfriend has picked up on this for a long time and probably finds this too overbearing. I don't believe this means your relationship can't be saved.

Her emotional upset is an indication to me that she's still willing to try but you have got to want that too. Start by sitting down and talking to her and say you want to give things another go and try and get the emotional support that you need via counselling with a hearing specialist versed in Tinnitus and hyperacusis. I am talking TRT, CBT etc and do whatever it takes if you want to save your relationship and I believe you do. Please don't dismiss these treatments or any other.

I would go further and say: try not to get into conversations with people whose only purpose is to spread negativity about tinnitus and hyperacusis and denounce tinnitus treatment as not being effective without even trying them. Keep away from websites that do the same. They do nothing but cause a person harm and will prevent them from habituating and going on to lead a fulfilling life. It is possible believe me, I was in a terribly dark place with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis and I managed to recover like so many other people do with this condition. I have 20 years experience behind me. Don't throw in the towel yet. Go back to your GP, ENT consultant etc and see if you can get a referral to a hearing therapist and a treatment plan set up.

I wish you will and hope that you start to feel better soon.

Michael

 

[Foncky]

My suggestion is to keep your weakness and issues to yourself - the part that I like about being with a woman is that I can actually forget about all that by talking about everything BUT my ear issues... makes it a lot easier to forget and enjoy the break.

This is if you don't have H. How can you keep H for yourself ?

 

[Michael Leigh]

How can you keep H for yourself ?

You are right @Foncky one can't keep hyperacusis to themself if the condition is intrusive nor any other medical condtion. If you have to keep it to yourself and not discuss it with the person that you're with, they are clearly not worth sharing a life with in my opinion.
Michael