No Anxiety... Just Suffering

[Telis]

I was anxious in the beginning, now I'm just totally depressed, in pain and tied. I have nothing to be anxious about as far as T, it is what it is and I won't be able to change it. Nothing to panic about anymore. I mean...I can only freak out about the same thing for so long, especially if I can't do a damn thing about it.

I can sit in a quiet room for hours with my T blasting, sleep with no masking, I just hate it, it's loud and it's painful on the head and on the ears. No anxiety, just some serious suffering.

Am I habituated? I think so, but it still has absolutely ruined my life. I can't go out because of my H, my head/ears hurt from the screaming, I'm not relaxed by any means but at the same time I don't feel I have anxiety at all 99 percent of the time.

This must be habituation? I guess I've done it.

 

[Marcini]

@Telis Have you tried any antidepressants?

 

[MichaelM]

Dont know what to say, mate. I was wondering have you considered filing a medical malpractice claim?
Your situation should be studied by doctors, definitely. I know you dont trust them anymore but there has to be a way to solve things out.

 

[Telis]

@Telis Have you tried any antidepressants?

I have in the past for T and didn't like them. They kinda zombie me out and make me feel more restless, like I'm trapped in a zombie body and want to explode out of it. I don't sleep well on them, my heart feels weird, they are just no help for me.

I'm not sure treating depression without treating the underlaying cause is something that can work.

I smoke herb and it helps a bit. But to convince myself to not be depressed under such a massive life change seems totally impossible. It seems very natural that I would be down so I don't know. Maybe I just have to wait longer and get used to this strange life.

I don't even know if I'm depressed some days, just angry, restless, in pain and frustrated about loosing my life. I don't know.

 

[Telis]

Dont know what to say, mate. I was wondering have you considered filing a medical malpractice claim?
Your situation should be studied by doctors, definitely. I know you dont trust them anymore but there has to be a way to solve things out.

Well I could never prove anything...I can hardly get people here at TT to believe my story, never mind the people out there that have never heard of T.

 

[Jesse Pinkman]

@Telis , after I read your story Im going to stay away from ear drops for the rest of my life. Ive read stories about eardrops causing significant damage before and Im thankfull for this information so I atleast wont make the same mistake. I think my T is around the same level as yours before your otoxic damage. I remember I had to cover my ears to check if the T was still there after my ENT flushed out my earwax to check if it was still there. And I could barely hear it. Thats how mild mild my T is, although it does get higher sometimes, especially at nights. Your situation sounds horrific. However, I think it will get better with time. The reason for this is that H tends to decrease with time and with that monster out of your way you might be able to go out more often, and maybe your depression then will slowly loosen its claws. Regarding your T, I dont know if it will decrease, but it will definatly be WAY more easy to handle without the H and depression.

 

[Martin69]

I was anxious in the beginning, now I'm just totally depressed, in pain and tied. I have nothing to be anxious about as far as T, it is what it is and I won't be able to change it. Nothing to panic about anymore. I mean...I can only freak out about the same thing for so long, especially if I can't do a damn thing about it.

I can sit in a quiet room for hours with my T blasting, sleep with no masking, I just hate it, it's loud and it's painful on the head and on the ears. No anxiety, just some serious suffering.

Am I habituated? I think so, but it still has absolutely ruined my life. I can't go out because of my H, my head/ears hurt from the screaming, I'm not relaxed by any means but at the same time I don't feel I have anxiety at all 99 percent of the time.

This must be habituation? I guess I've done it.

Hey @Telis.
Sounds a little bit sarcastic. But of course I know how you suffer.
I am also fighting for 14 months now (as you know). I still have my job, but can only work from home (if at all).
I think about taking a package and quit. T, anxiety and depression does not allow me doing my job properly.
But we should not give up.

I know that you hate meds, like nearly everyone.
And that meds ruined your ears.
But maybe it would be useful taking a mood stabilizer like Zoloft or Cipralex.
I am also thinking about it and going away from Remeron.
Also, the potassium channel drugs can maybe help.
I know from your comments that you hate those. Who not?

How can we else help?

 

[Marcini]

I can only suggest you try other ADs. Some suit people better than others. Surely it's better to try than to give up. I've read many times about how they can help with H as well so, while they may not be a miracle bullet, I do think they are worth trying.

 

[Telis]

@Telis , after I read your story Im going to stay away from ear drops for the rest of my life. Ive read stories about eardrops causing significant damage before and Im thankfull for this information so I atleast wont make the same mistake. I think my T is around the same level as yours before your otoxic damage. I remember I had to cover my ears to check if the T was still there after my ENT flushed out my earwax to check if it was still there. And I could barely hear it. Thats how mild mild my T is, although it does get higher sometimes, especially at nights. Your situation sounds horrific. However, I think it will get better with time. The reason for this is that H tends to decrease with time and with that monster out of your way you might be able to go out more often, and maybe your depression then will slowly loosen its claws. Regarding your T, I dont know if it will decrease, but it will definatly be WAY more easy to handle without the H and depression.

Thanks man...well I'm glad at least I can give people a heads up on the risks. You are right, if I can get the H beast tamed maybe I can reclaim some of my life.

 

[Telis]

Hey @Telis.
Sounds a little bit sarcastic. But of course I know how you suffer.
I am also fighting for 14 months now (as you know). I still have my job, but can only work from home (if at all).
I think about taking a package and quit. T, anxiety and depression does not allow me doing my job properly.
But we should not give up.

I know that you hate meds, like nearly everyone.
And that meds ruined your ears.
But maybe it would be useful taking a mood stabilizer like Zoloft or Cipralex.
I am also thinking about it and going away from Remeron.
Also, the potassium channel drugs can maybe help.
I know from your comments that you hate those. Who not?

How can we else help?

Yeah I see your point, there is not much else to say to help me with ideas. I think my situation is a bit different than yours but the same in some ways. With yours you have no limits physically. I can't talk to people or unload my dishwasher without my ears going into spasm, or even speak for that matter without this happening...and ear plugs make it worse with my voice. I have true physical limitations. It's not just about an annoying noise I can't get past. You can do things, I can not. If I could, I would be out playing hockey or at a pub with my buddies right now T or not. So in my case I'm not held back mentally, I'm held back physically and this really gets me down. I want to be out and around, especially now with T. I can't, and it pisses me off. If I could it would sure make tinnitus a lot easier to deal with. I think I would be done with it and moved on to be honest. It would still annoy me to death but I wouldn't let it stop me like this H does.

Just like T, severe H is very hard to explain to someone that doesn't have it. You can't understand it unless you have it.

Anyway...my point is that it's not my mood that needs stabilizing with drugs, it's the fact that I'm totally isolated in this house with true physical limitations.

Thanks for the post Martin

 

[tomm]

Retigabine has made a decent difference to my H.

I still find a lot of sounds painful but I can go outside now and only plug when I get to the main road.

Maybe you can try?

 

[Telis]

Retigabine has made a decent difference to my H.

I still find a lot of sounds painful but I can go outside now and only plug when I get to the main road.

Maybe you can try?

Yeah maybe...I'm a little skeptical about taking drugs. Is it helping because your brain is being vaporized by retigabine at the moment or are your ears really doing better?

Who can really say right?

 

[Marcini]

I'm a little skeptical about taking drugs

I thought you were all over the Mary J? There are some that are worth at least trying.

 

[dan]

So in my case I'm not held back mentally...

hey that's some good news at least - you're in a way better place than I am then....Hyperacusis tends to get better over time and could take a few years in the hard cases.

 

[Asian]

Mate, we all know how you feel. Most of us have been largely adjusting to this "new me" feeling we get. I got a severe concussion and I am having a bunch of other problems that are difficult to explain, hard to treat and impossible to ignore. Where do we go then? My T is loud and H is bad. Atleast you can think about going out when you are depressed.

I can't even do that because my concussion won't allow me to socialise and I get exhausted and extremely overwhelmed by people and crowd in general. I feel my brain bouncing even on a small bump or pothole it's so fucked up and sensitive to jolts which prevents me from going out. Nobody understands this shit. Docs were never a solution as I have lost hopes on them long back. Prayer does nothing we all know. I am left to just accept suffer and get over it on my own. Plain despair and miserable state. Life just happened with me. I wish I only got T and H. So you got what I am saying?

 

[Telis]

Mate, we all know how you feel. Most of us have been largely adjusting to this "new me" feeling we get. I got a severe concussion and I am having a bunch of other problems that are difficult to explain, hard to treat and impossible to ignore. Where do we go then? My T is loud and H is bad. Atleast you can think about going out when you are depressed.

I can't even do that because my concussion won't allow me to socialise and I get exhausted and extremely overwhelmed by people and crowd in general. I feel my brain bouncing even on a small bump or pothole it's so fucked up and sensitive to jolts which prevents me from going out. Nobody understands this shit. Docs were never a solution as I have lost hopes on them long back. Prayer does nothing we all know. I am left to just accept suffer and get over it on my own. Plain despair and miserable state. Life just happened with me. I wish I only got T and H. So you got what I am saying?

I get what you are saying on both fronts...just trust me on this one. I spend 20 hours a day (sometimes I just won't get up for a couple days straight) in bed and can not leave the house. I'm bagged to death. I sleep in shifts so I don't have to deal with this for too many hours straight. I can not take this for a entire day so I split it up (few hours sleep here and there, then a few hours up). Most my sleep is done in the day, I can't handle any noise so when I'm awake it's at night. I haven't seen the light of day for a few weeks now. So while I am loosing my mind and depression is taking a hold I can't do anything about it. I can't get up and go out, can't just say screw it and go play hockey and shake the cobwebs off... I have deep brain and ear pain all the time and severe H to the point I can hardly talk. It's this isolation that is killing me as well. I'm just saying if it was a mental thing alone and I just had T I would push through, say fuck it and go out. I'm physically limited and suffering in pain. I don't have a choice but to lay here in the dark for my entire life it seems. I'm ready at any point to blow my head off, in fact that is all I think about, so don't think no one understands your pain. I get it 100 percent. I know for a fact that this is no life for anyone on the planet and no pill will change these circumstances. And if you wish you had just these two things maybe you don't know how bad T and H can get. I turn a light switch on and the pain shoots from my ear to my brain and holds. If I talk to a person, have a regular convo, I'm literally exhausted to the point of mental and physical collapse for days after. My T is so loud it hurts my head, never a low day, nothing. The noise hurts my ears, my ear muscles go into spasm and close up most the time. Man...I know suffering and pain. Believe me.

Do you work? Do you EVER go out in public? If you do, we aren't even on the same page mate. So don't wish you ONLY got T and H...It can be very bad.

Either way...I'm sorry about your situation man.

 

[Nick the Swede]

@Telis, it hurts a lot to read that last post from you, to the point that i feel it in my gut. I guess i am pretty lucky just to have pretty loud T and just a slight H.

 

[Telis]

@Telis, it hurts a lot to read that last post from you, to the point that i feel it in my gut. I guess i am pretty lucky just to have pretty loud T and just a slight H.

Thanks...honestly, I'm not the type of person to bitch and moan but I'm really in a tough spot. I have a hard time drawing any positives from this experience. I am lucky in the way that I have done well in my career pre T so I don't have to live on the streets or anything like that...I have enough to retire on, I guess this is a positive.

I'm hoping things improve and somehow I heal a bit down the line. Just hope, I hate hoping...I want to make things happen but obviously can't. Very frustrating.

For now I live through my dreams when I'm asleep...but a guy can only sleep so much until he is smacked down by reality upon waking. It's weird I don't think I have had a bad dream since this happened, it's amazing how our brains can compensate. My dreams are always vivid and picture perfect....A true thing of beauty, I never had this before T. Guess that's another positive, but man they seem so quick and I'm awake again. Wish I could sleep 15-20 hours a day like my dog

 

[dboy]

@Telis, your T sounds a lot worse than what I have but nevertheless I do relate to a lot of what you say. I personally feel that my life pretty much stopped after my T increases. Everybody around me is living their life and I am trapped in this bubble of noise, unable to move on, watching.

I don't mean to tell you how to suck eggs or anything, so don't be angry at me saying this. But is it possible that the isolation you describe is not helped by the weed? I don't know how much you smoke and it does affect people differently. But I just want to ask 'cos I know back when I smoked after a few years it started to have some effects similar to the isolation, difficulty talking to folks, daytime sleeping that you mention. I know the T & H are the much bigger problem and smoking probably helps in many ways, so it is complicated and you know best what works for you. Just wanted to throw it out there.

For myself, I try to think of my current depressive bubble as a healing process that I'm gonna eventually come out of able to cope and move forward again. That sounds cheesy, but I think depression can work that way sometimes. You don't come out exactly who you were before, but you do come out. That's why I also don't want anything to do with antidepressants - apart from the 'side effects' I don't trust the effect they might have on natural psychological healing (processing over time the feelings of anger, frustration, powerlessness, despair, etc.). Anyway, all I'm trying to say is stay strong and try not to follow the downward spirals too far if you can help it.

 

[ampumpkin]

I'm speechless over what I just read @Telis Your reality is one of a kind. I'm lost for words. How can someone put up with so much...

hugs...

 

[Telis]

@Telis, your T sounds a lot worse than what I have but nevertheless I do relate to a lot of what you say. I personally feel that my life pretty much stopped after my T increases. Everybody around me is living their life and I am trapped in this bubble of noise, unable to move on, watching.

I don't mean to tell you how to suck eggs or anything, so don't be angry at me saying this. But is it possible that the isolation you describe is not helped by the weed? I don't know how much you smoke and it does affect people differently. But I just want to ask 'cos I know back when I smoked after a few years it started to have some effects similar to the isolation, difficulty talking to folks, daytime sleeping that you mention. I know the T & H are the much bigger problem and smoking probably helps in many ways, so it is complicated and you know best what works for you. Just wanted to throw it out there.

For myself, I try to think of my current depressive bubble as a healing process that I'm gonna eventually come out of able to cope and move forward again. That sounds cheesy, but I think depression can work that way sometimes. You don't come out exactly who you were before, but you do come out. That's why I also don't want anything to do with antidepressants - apart from the 'side effects' I don't trust the effect they might have on natural psychological healing (processing over time the feelings of anger, frustration, powerlessness, despair, etc.). Anyway, all I'm trying to say is stay strong and try not to follow the downward spirals too far if you can help it.

When it comes to smoking and I'm being very honest, I smoke very very little. In fact I have been out for a while now. I use it just to give me a boost now and then but it doesn't do a lot for me. I have always liked pot but never been a chronic smoker, I use it now for depression and I have to admit it does help at times.

I am sleeping in shifts so I don't have to struggle in pain a whole day straight. I thought this may work but it's pretty tough. Six hours up at a time, followed by a few hours of sleep. I guess we are not designed for this.

As far as talking to people, it makes my ears painful and ring louder, especially with plugs in. It's feels like my ears are open wounds afterwords, then they feel like they heal to a certain degree days after. Now maybe this isn't actually happening, but it sure feels that way. And it's seems that no one can tell me for certain that further damage is not occurring.

Yes...it's strange how everyone is still the same, just living life and doing the same things. It's like the world and everyone in it is just passing me by. Doesn't feel real. What a strange reality this new life is.

Anyway...I guess time is supposed to heal all wounds. Hoping the same goes for our sick ears.

Thanks for the post...hope things are progressing nicely for you.

 

[Martin69]

@Telis
I feel your pain. I would like coming to you helping you in any way.
I can only send you words that we are here for you. It does not help, I know.
Yes, time heals. I hope the same for you and for everbody here.
Why do I complain? I have only T and depression, no H, no pain.
How can I help?

 

[Telis]

@Telis
I feel your pain. I would like coming to you helping you in any way.
I can only send you words that we are here for you. It does not help, I know.
Yes, time heals. I hope the same for you and for everbody here.
Why do I complain? I have only T and depression, no H, no pain.
How can I help?

I understand your struggle, T is a nightmare even on it's own, especially if it is loud.

I guess I just get lonely, I'm was a very social person. Always the overly happy, probably annoying guy at the party trying to talk to anyone that I could, trying to make people laugh and have a good time. My gf always told me to tone it down, I was getting to be a bit much. Haha. I guess that guy is dead and gone, now I'm left with chatting here to my online friends. Not that it's a bad thing chatting with you folks, just wish it was under different circumstances that we all met.

This is a tough spot for a extrovert to be in, the isolation is hard on top of the suffering.

Anyway...everyone is helping a lot. Thank you

 

[awbw8]

Oh man, @Telis, I'm so sorry you've having such a beast of a time. It sounds awful :/

Does moving hurt you? Like could you some kind of light exercise/yoga/stretching etc.? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but guided, calm yoga really, really helped me with my depression. There are studies behind it that show it has a positive effect on brain chemistry.

I don't have much to offer and of course I'm not in your situation, but I suppose my only thoughts reading your posts is that you're going against your body's nature (sleep/wake cycle etc.) I know it's going against you too, so please don't take the observation badly, I'm just sharing my thoughts, because of course, like everyone here, we'd love to help you, but all I can really offer is my perspective. Please know I mean no offense and of course can't be in your shoes.

Anyway, there are all kinds of studies out there about how people who work the night shift end up with cognitive damage. Maybe just starting to slowly re-align yourself with nature's cycle would allow your body to be a better position to heal? Give it lots of good food and rest and try to read, maybe play just barely audible sound in the background to get you used to a little more sound at a time.

Again, I know you're doing your best in terribly hard circumstances, but maybe just making baby changes a bit at a time would help in the long run? My H was only ever mild, but I still remember how bad even mild H was, so I can't imagine. But I know that it only got better when I started exposing myself to a little more sound a bit at a time.

I really hope something helps and things improve for you soon Telis, even just a little bit so you see that they can. Hang in there.

 

[Martin69]

I understand your struggle, T is a nightmare even on it's own, especially if it is loud.

I guess I just get lonely, I'm was a very social person. Always the overly happy, probably annoying guy at the party trying to talk to anyone that I could, trying to make people laugh and have a good time. My gf always told me to tone it down, I was getting to be a bit much. Haha. I guess that guy is dead and gone, now I'm left with chatting here to my online friends. Not that it's a bad thing chatting with you folks, just wish it was under different circumstances that we all met.

This is a tough spot for a extrovert to be in, the isolation is hard on top of the suffering.

Anyway...everyone is helping a lot. Thank you

I know what you mean. I was the same, caring for others, talking, socializing. My wife was always amused how many people I know. Sometimes in the supermarket I met 5 different people I know from my sports or my kids school and we were just talking. Of course I still meet them, but because of anxiety and depression I do not talk much. Only to very close friends I speak about our struggle, my T and my wife's cancer.

Today I had a talk with one of the responsible persons at my sports club. They miss me for coaching and planning. Brought tears to my eyes. I know, I can at least leave the house and talk to people. But I miss my healthy life without depression, anxiety and T. I have many positives and I have it not nearly as bad as you. I think that time will heal many things and maybe we are lucky.

Even my company gives me all credit. Had a talk with my boss today who is my boss for 20 years. They miss me and give me all time I need. They know my skills, technically and personally. But anxiety and depression have me under control. I hope for this habituation thing and/or the magic pill. Of course I know that sometimes is a thought thing and putting T into the background is possible.

But too much about me. Telis, what shall I say? Words not really help. Maybe we are lucky and the body heals itself. As far as I have learned, H can go away. And T is for you, like for me, a brain thing. If pills can calm down the overactive neurons, they will do for you, too. Things can improve by itself. I believe in that. And I met so many people in the meantime who habituated, even with bad T.

 

[valeri]

@Telis
You mentioned a girlfriend, is she still around to support you?

If this is too private or uncomfortable to answer please just ignore my question!

 

[jimH]

@Telis, it hurts a lot to read that last post from you, to the point that i feel it in my gut. I guess i am pretty lucky just to have pretty loud T and just a slight H.

+1 here...After reading what @Telis has to deal with 24/7, I truly wish that I could swap some of my occasional "moderate level" days for some of his bad ones from time to time. Just to give him a break!

 

[ampumpkin]

When it comes to smoking and I'm being very honest, I smoke very very little. In fact I have been out for a while now. I use it just to give me a boost now and then but it doesn't do a lot for me. I have always liked pot but never been a chronic smoker, I use it now for depression and I have to admit it does help at times.

I am sleeping in shifts so I don't have to struggle in pain a whole day straight. I thought this may work but it's pretty tough. Six hours up at a time, followed by a few hours of sleep. I guess we are not designed for this.

As far as talking to people, it makes my ears painful and ring louder, especially with plugs in. It's feels like my ears are open wounds afterwords, then they feel like they heal to a certain degree days after. Now maybe this isn't actually happening, but it sure feels that way. And it's seems that no one can tell me for certain that further damage is not occurring.

Yes...it's strange how everyone is still the same, just living life and doing the same things. It's like the world and everyone in it is just passing me by. Doesn't feel real. What a strange reality this new life is.

Anyway...I guess time is supposed to heal all wounds. Hoping the same goes for our sick ears.

Thanks for the post...hope things are progressing nicely for you.

no need to justify... if I were in the same situation, I would try anything to be able to cope... seriously...