5 Months
Physical T
The t is mostly eee for the last couple months. The only variation I've had is crickets mixed in under the eee. I haven't had a hiss or static since the sirens almost 3 months ago. I can't say if the sirens sent me in the wrong direction or it was the initial variability of t I've read about.
I just hear the t over the ambient noise outdoors and it screams eee in quiet rooms. If the room is 'quiet' it's just as loud as the first and second month.
In my office with the fish aerator only I hear the t. With the fish aerator and ac I hear it too. I can tune out the t in my office most of the time except when writing or thinking about it.
I don't know if the sirens I was exposed to are the reason I am where I am. It wasn't for a brief moment, it was probably 10 minutes or so. The moral of the story is if you have t and it's new don't linger around loud noises. I feel guilt because things were moving along so well that I stayed near the sirens longer than I should. It was a combination of being in the heat of the moment and a false sense of security.
When I drive my diesel truck with my x5a's on and stop the truck with the x5a's on the t is really loud. It almost identical to when I first got t. Sometimes I wonder if any improvement I've noticed is me getting used to t though I swear it did change to static for periods earlier on.
The h has gone down a lot in the last month. It's still there but not nearly as bad as it was a few months ago. I've been listening to the tv louder. I still jump at loud noises like dishes clanging or my dog barking.
The papery feel has been non-existent the last month. I haven't noticed it once. No papery or crinkly feel in my ears. Perhaps that means whatever inflammation was there is going down. I did notice my right ear, the ear with louder t, has felt like there is something loose jiggling around inside. It's a different feeling than the papery or crinkly feel the first few months.
Mental T
I wrote a really negative post a week ago and deleted it because I didn't want to be that negative. This post is my second attempt at a 5 month update.
I wish I could say I was doing better. It's not like the volume of the t is that bad, I can ignore it with some masking or go outside for peace. I want things to improve before I engage in life again. That's a mistake because part of me thinks what i have is what I'm going to have.
I've gotten better at adapting to having t. I keep my x5a's around all the time in case of something really loud, I have ear plugs for noisy environments. I feel like I know when to protect and when not to.
I wonder when my ears will harden off and not be so sensitive to loud sounds. I fear a longer term loud noise exposure could raise the t for an unknown period of time, like the sirens a few months ago.
I keep harping on the sirens. I don't know if they increased the t or not but I know if I could do it again I wouldn't expose myself to them. I also know given the circumstances I wouldn't have done anything different without hindsight.
In Summary
I feel like I've come a long way learning to live with t but wonder if any progress has stopped and this is it. I sometimes wonder if I've even made any progress with the volume of the t.
The first couple months was a horrible time in my life. Things are better than they were but I don't know where I'm going to end up.
Some people with t longer than me have said progress continues to come, if it has been coming, but the longer you have t the slower progress comes. Perhaps the sirens set me back and my ears are taking their time getting back to where they were. It concerns me a lot that I'm not getting hissing or static.
I haven't been engaging in life though I've tried making a more concerted effort. I did a small job last week and this week and admit that finishing a project leaves me feeling good. I'm doing more of the stuff around the house that I've been avoiding though still nowhere near what I was.
In 5 months I haven't woke up and rushed out of bed to start the day. If I wake up early I roll over, several times, because I'm not excited about life. I get up and do something because I must, not because I'm excited to do it. I'm sure this change can only come from within but I have yet to find the desire to start making that change.
Thanks everyone on TT who has supported and encouraged me or given me an emoji on one of my posts. It means a lot to know there are others listening who understand what I'm going through. I hope you're doing better on your journey. We must keep doing our best. If we have a bad day it's OK, throw it away and start fresh the next day.
I've shared this video before and I want to share it again. Kesha "Praying." My favorite line is "I hope you find your peace."
Member
I'll send you a copy of the blog post when I finish it. You've been studying too hard lately anyway.
