Photo Album of Tinnitus Talk Members

[aot]

Fortunately he is not my husband.

Well, that makes things a bit less complicated thankfully.

Also, if I say boyfriend, he gets pissed off.

Wtf. Why?

 

[Steph1710]

A big thank you to @Steph1710 for preserving the beautiful historic artefacts of our fair Kingdom.

People may have been on their door steps for the NHS all last year, but it was the Archaeological Historians I was clapping for!

Rightly so. The NHS is a load of bollocks.

 

[Steph1710]

You have nothing to be sorry about. I was being insensitive, and I'm really sorry about it. I hope it didn't ruin your night or anything =(

I can't deny that it upset me a little bit, but that's because I like talking to you on here, and I felt you thought bad of me.

Usually I'm made of stronger stuff, but I feel so weak right now.

Glad we've kissed and made up <3 I promise not to get defensive again

 

[Steph1710]

I think everyone on the forum can tell from your demeanor, you are both an extremely sweet and caring person.

Yeah - I think I'm alright. I try to be as happy and positive as possible.

Mind you, anyone who knows me, will warn others not to piss me off. I can't put up bullshit. If someone is annoying me, I will tell them straight...

And that's exactly why I work behind the scenes and not with the public. I've lost count of how many customers I've told to fuck off in my time.

But mostly, I'm lovely. Lovely, but extremely aggressive if provoked lol.

 

[Zugzug]

Yeah, although I was that way before the onset of my tinnitus. If anything, that strengthened my wish for a loving, supportive relationship. But at this point I feel like I've missed the boat ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh well, at least I can bare my soul to strangers on the internet!

Speaking from experience, it's really hard. I would almost go as far as say I don't know how someone with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis could date someone without it. Maybe another equally fucked up but compatible disability? (I've given serious consideration to learning sign language.) My ex and I went from extremely compatible to totally incompatible after I got hyperacusis.

The hyperacusis dating paradox is that people with it are desperate for companionship and feeling truly not alone (as in emotionally, not just regular people around). But in order to obtain that, the person has to be just as fucked in the head. Then you have two psychologically fucked people on a roller coaster.

The alternative is what I used to have with my wife. Total disconnect, but one person is stable. We just can't win. God, even just long, deep hugs from other disabled people would be nice.

 

[Steph1710]

This is so true! I've actually thought alot about this! I used to work with an Englishman and I freaking loved to hear him drop that particular swear word. More than any other, lol. You guys really do have a way of putting that extra bit of mustard on it! It just sounds so much more torquey when spat out like, "k-AH-nt!" As opposed to the way we tend to say it, with more of a dreary "UH-nt!"

It's the best word. I love it. Everything is a cunt to me. You're a cunt. I'm a cunt. They're a cunt.

In my neck of the woods it's even more taboo than the F-bomb. My mom used to crucify me for uttering it!

Yeah, my mother told me off because I went through a stage of saying everything was cunt. Then when I asked her why she wanted me to stop saying it, she started laughing, and said - "because it's a bit of a cuntish word."

 

[Steph1710]

Steph, you did the right thing by being straight and telling him exactly how you feel. Not many people would be so sincere. If I could offer any advice it would be this: be decisive and commit to whatever decision you choose to make. I've been in unnecessarily prolonged and miserable relationships simply because neither of us took the initiative to end things, which only made us more unhappy. I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do — you deserve it!

Thanks @Charburchar. <3

I am always straight up with people. I believe we're all entitled to the truth - whether it is hurtful or not.

I know what you mean about unnecessarily prolonged relationships. It really sucks trying to carry on when you both know that it's no longer working. It's just so hard to pull the damn plug on things!

The thing is, I am happy enough being single. In fact I was happily single when I first met my partner. I didn't really want a relationship but I went along with it because he seemed really nice. But whether or not one is happy being single, the transition from being in a relationship, to not being in a relationship is hard to cope with - whether you like the person or not.

How long were you in a dead end relationship before you broke away from each other? If you don't mind me asking. I completely understand if you'd rather not say.

And thank you for your words of advice. They are much appreciated and listened to.

<3

 

[Charburchar]

Yeah, although I was that way before the onset of my tinnitus. If anything, that strengthened my wish for a loving, supportive relationship. But at this point I feel like I've missed the boat ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh well, at least I can bare my soul to strangers on the internet!

It's strange, because I was never fussed about being in a relationship pre-tinnitus, but would relish being in one now. The problem of course is being anxious to do (because of tinnitus) many of the things that relationships involve doing: days out, meeting friends/family, holidays, etc etc. The irony!

 

[Steph1710]

that honestly doesn't sound like you two are very compatible. Sometimes opposites attract but if you really don't have anything in common then both people in the relationship need to work really hard for it, and it doesn't seem like he's willing to put in the effort :/

I feel like he doesn't even like me. I mean how can he? He is angry at me so often. He told me in the car last night, that if he found out I was cheating, he would kill me. I said that I would never cheat. And he said 'good. I won't need to kill you then.'

It just felt like a really fucked up thing to randomly come out with :-/

Honestly, I crave love and affection but I always feel like I lack the emotional stability to be romantically involved with anyone. At least I don't hurt anyone but myself that way

Love and affection is overrated. Just have sex with different people, and have loads of friends.

 

[Steph1710]

Wtf. Why?

Because everything I say or do pisses him off for some reason.

A couple of days ago, he started asking me when I last got personal with myself - so to speak. I told the truth and said 'well today actually'. He asked if I watched any porn, I said no - which was true on that day. He then asked what did I think about, to which I said 'that's private, and you don't need to know.' (I didn't dare say Mike Patton c.1990-93).

Anyway, he then got mad at me and wouldn't speak for the rest of evening. You know things are bad, when you can't even bash one out without being interrogated.

 

[aot]

. He told me in the car last night, that if he found out I was cheating, he would kill me. I said that I would never cheat. And he said 'good. I won't need to kill you then.'

What the fuck?

This guy is a Cunt. (See? Americans can say it too. Check out Deadwood sometime. I hear the cowboys on there love calling eachother Cunts.)

If he's going to say sick shit like that, then maybe you should have a third party nearby when you break the news to him? Someone aside from his fucked up family, I mean.

 

[Charburchar]

Thanks @Charburchar. <3

I am always straight up with people. I believe we're all entitled to the truth - whether it is hurtful or not.

I know what you mean about unnecessarily prolonged relationships. It really sucks trying to carry on when you both know that it's no longer working. It's just so hard to pull the damn plug on things!

I completely understand - pulling the plug on things is the hardest part. With that said, I do think it's best for all involved, in the long run.

The thing is, I am happy enough being single. In fact I was happily single when I first met my partner. I didn't really want a relationship but I went along with it because he seemed really nice. But whether or not one is happy being single, the transition from being in a relationship, to not being in a relationship is hard to cope with - whether you like the person or not.

For sure, it can be difficult getting accustomed to not being in a relationship. Relationships produce a degree of routine and stability that, once severed, feels strange to adapt to. On the other hand, a separation can feel liberating! It certainly did for me.

How long were you in a dead end relationship before you broke away from each other? If you don't mind me asking. I completely understand if you'd rather not say.

I don't mind! I think it was probably a year, maybe a little longer. But it worked out in the end (the split that is). We were both better of.

And thank you for your words of advice. They are much appreciated and listened to.

<3

You're more than welcome Steph <3

He told me in the car last night, that if he found out I was cheating, he would kill me. I said that I would never cheat. And he said 'good. I won't need to kill you then.'

Even if he was joking, this is not okay, ever.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Because everything I say or do pisses him off for some reason.

A couple of days ago, he started asking me when I last got personal with myself - so to speak. I told the truth and said 'well today actually'. He asked if I watched any porn, I said no - which was true on that day. He then asked what did I think about, to which I said 'that's private, and you don't need to know.' (I didn't dare say Mike Patton c.1990-93).

Anyway, he then got mad at me and wouldn't speak for the rest of evening. You know things are bad, when you can't even bash one out without being interrogated.

Sounds extremely jealous and controlling. If my wife got off on her own I'd be all for it, she has never done it lol. I used to be really jealous and accuse her of cheating, nowadays I say if you're cheating, at least let me watch lol.

 

[Tweedleman]

What the fuck?

This guy is a Cunt. (See? Americans can say it too. Check out Deadwood sometime. I hear the cowboys on there love calling eachother Cunts.)

If he's going to say sick shit like that, then maybe you should have a third party nearby when you break the news to him? Someone aside from his fucked up family, I mean.

100% agree, get rid of him yesterday imo.

Also, 10 points for Gryffindor for referencing Deadwood!

 

[Tanni]

@Steph1710, sorry to hear about the difficult time you're having right now.

As others have pointed out, there are some really red flags in some of the things you have mentioned. Perhaps you could make a family member or close friend aware of the situation so they can look out for you. I hope you figure out what to do regarding ending the relationship - trust your gut.

The below may not be relevant for you, but I feel like I should put it here in case anyone else is recognizing some of the following behaviours - sulking, threatening, embarrassing, controlling - from their own relationship. It's so incredibly common, unfortunately:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship

 

[Zugzug]

He told me in the car last night, that if he found out I was cheating, he would kill me. I said that I would never cheat. And he said 'good. I won't need to kill you then.'

So I have quite the tale that I won't share on here. I'll just say that one of the reasons why I offered the "dumped" person's perspective (i.e. initially, by default, batting for him to a healthy degree) is because my breakup was really ugly; I feel like a relative of mine did not bat for me nearly enough, to put it mildly. So since then, I have a strong bias in favor of people that are about to get dumped.

With this being said, what you have shared is definitely abusive behavior. I mean, "Cheat on me and I will kill you" is instant grounds for dumping, IMO. Be careful about how you go about it though. If he has abusive or violent behavior, you may want a bit of a plan. Like a way to break it off cleanly with friends or family for protection.

You say that he doesn't even like you. Does that mean he doesn't care if you break up? If that's the case, I recommend jumping on that opportunity before it gets scarier.

 

[kingsfan]

I can't deny that it upset me a little bit, but that's because I like talking to you on here, and I felt you thought bad of me.

Usually I'm made of stronger stuff, but I feel so weak right now.

Glad we've kissed and made up <3 I promise not to get defensive again

You're making me blush . I actually enjoy chatting with you as well, and I got really upset with myself when I saw that I upset you. I tend to put my foot in my mouth often, but I sincerely don't mean harm and will always admit I was in the wrong.

And you don't have to be strong all the time. I have maybe a little understanding of how you feel right now. It seems like your boyfriend has some self-esteem and codependency issues to work on. I don't think he will be able to overcome those obstacles while in a relationship. It's something you need to find while on your own. Your own self worth. And it's absolutely not your responsibility to be fixing anybody anyway. It's scary being alone... especially with health problems, but I think it might be the right direction for both of you.

 

[kingsfan]

Honestly, I crave love and affection but I always feel like I lack the emotional stability to be romantically involved with anyone. At least I don't hurt anyone but myself that way

I've been craving affection so terribly badly lately, but I know it's for all the wrong reasons. I've just gotta persevere, but I would do anything right now to just lay my head in someone's lap and feel their fingers through my hair.

 

[nocticolor]

It's strange, because I was never fussed about being in a relationship pre-tinnitus, but would relish being in one now. The problem of course is being anxious to do (because of tinnitus) many of the things that relationships involve doing: days out, meeting friends/family, holidays, etc etc. The irony!

Oh yeah, I absolutely understand where you're coming from! Hypothetically, I'm always worried about the dating phase of the relationship that's supposed to be fun and sexy. Imagine being in a quiet room doing adult stuff and saying, "Uh, sorry, can we turn on some music or something?" because all you can focus on is the tinnitus. Maybe it really is better to date a fellow sufferer, at least they'd understand

 

[nocticolor]

I feel like he doesn't even like me. I mean how can he? He is angry at me so often. He told me in the car last night, that if he found out I was cheating, he would kill me. I said that I would never cheat. And he said 'good. I won't need to kill you then.'

It just felt like a really fucked up thing to randomly come out with :-/

Steph, what the fuck? Please get out of there as quickly as possible. That's not normal. Everything you've talked about sounds like psychological abuse. Don't wait until it turns into physical abuse.

Love and affection is overrated. Just have sex with different people, and have loads of friends.

In this pandemic, ma'am?! But yeah, I already tried doing that. It can be fun and all but sometimes you just want someone to come home to, build a future with or whatever. Guess I'm also just a little in my feelings because my best friend is finally in a stable relationship and pregnant—it's the end of an era and all.

 

[buttercake]

I would almost go as far as say I don't know how someone with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis could date someone without it.

Given that my tinnitus oscillates between the upper part of the mild spectrum and the lower of the moderate spectrum, right after my onset my girlfriend was dangerously going down the "it's just a noise" road.

After two weeks from my onset she got mild unilateral tinnitus herself that lingered for several months (thank god now she is tinnitus free) and her attitude towards my new "needs" dramatically changed, especially after she began experiencing bouts of loud fleeting tinnitus.

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

It's the best word. I love it. Everything is a cunt to me. You're a cunt. I'm a cunt. They're a cunt.

Yeah, my mother told me off because I went through a stage of saying everything was cunt. Then when I asked her why she wanted me to stop saying it, she started laughing, and said - "because it's a bit of a cuntish word."

When I first went to Ireland and travelling the country side, I managed to end up in a farmers driveway. Asking for directions the old farmer was working on his tractor, turning to see who was in his driveway, he hollered, "the cuntin thing wont start, the rotten bastard."

So I ventured over to him asked if I could be of help. "You know bout tractors there young one?"

"A bit of mechanical," I said.

"THE CUNTIN thing been given me hell for 3 days, now the fucker wont go." I traced all the wires and we found one wire had become disconnected from the ignition switch. "Now the cuntin thing will go," he said. I laughed and commented on the word "cuntin" had never heard that one before.

 

[Charburchar]

Oh yeah, I absolutely understand where you're coming from! Hypothetically, I'm always worried about the dating phase of the relationship that's supposed to be fun and sexy. Imagine being in a quiet room doing adult stuff and saying, "Uh, sorry, can we turn on some music or something?" because all you can focus on is the tinnitus. Maybe it really is better to date a fellow sufferer, at least they'd understand

Lol! I can just imagine how troublesome my pulsatile tinnitus will be when it comes to the adult stuff. "Sorry, do you mind if we stop briefly, it's just my ears are throbbing."

 

[Damocles]

Oh yeah, I absolutely understand where you're coming from! Hypothetically, I'm always worried about the dating phase of the relationship that's supposed to be fun and sexy. Imagine being in a quiet room doing adult stuff and saying, "Uh, sorry, can we turn on some music or something?" because all you can focus on is the tinnitus. Maybe it really is better to date a fellow sufferer, at least they'd understand

Hold on a minute @nocticolor... I always worry about the "fun and sexy phase" because I'm terrified the girl won't understand me wanting the music off during the... "adult stuff".

I mean, we're two fellow sufferers here, and it sounds like we're completely incompatible....

 

[nocticolor]

Lol! I can just imagine how troublesome my pulsatile tinnitus will be when it comes to the adult stuff. "Sorry, do you mind if we stop briefly, it's just my ears are throbbing."

Well, as long as your ears aren't the only body part that's throbbing... I think for me it'd be more like, "Do you mind if I put on the city street soundscape on my phone real quick? I don't think I can, uh, get there otherwise. My ears are ringing louder than we are right now." Ta-da, mood ruined successfully!

 

[Zugzug]

Given that my tinnitus oscillates between the upper part of the mild spectrum and the lower of the moderate spectrum, right after my onset my girlfriend was dangerously going down the "it's just a noise" road.

After two weeks from my onset she got mild unilateral tinnitus herself that lingered for several months (thank god now she is tinnitus free) and her attitude towards my new "needs" dramatically changed, especially after she began experiencing bouts of loud fleeting tinnitus.

If my ex wife lived in my shoes for FIVE MINUTES, I promise you she would never have dreamt of leaving me. Just no idea. She told herself that I was "thinking about it" and stuff. If anything, I very severely played down my hyperacusis.

Just no clue.

 

[nocticolor]

Hold on a minute @nocticolor... I always worry about the "fun and sexy phase" because I'm terrified the girl won't understand me wanting the music off during the... "adult stuff".

I mean, we're two fellow sufferers here, and it sounds like we're completely incompatible....

Well, I'm definitely open for other stuff—doesn't need to be music, as long as there's some sort of background noise I'm generally fine

Although someone with hyperacusis would probably be better of with someone else who also has hyperacusis!

 

[Damocles]

Well, as long as your ears aren't the only body part that's throbbing... I think for me it'd be more like, "Do you mind if I put on the city street soundscape on my phone real quick? I don't think I can, uh, get there otherwise. My ears are ringing louder than we are right now." Ta-da, mood ruined successfully!

Oh no, it was music I was worried about.

Now, the city street soundscape.......? That always gets me in the mood!

 

[Damocles]

Because everything I say or do pisses him off for some reason.

A couple of days ago, he started asking me when I last got personal with myself - so to speak. I told the truth and said 'well today actually'. He asked if I watched any porn, I said no - which was true on that day. He then asked what did I think about, to which I said 'that's private, and you don't need to know.' (I didn't dare say Mike Patton c.1990-93).

Anyway, he then got mad at me and wouldn't speak for the rest of evening. You know things are bad, when you can't even bash one out without being interrogated.

This is terrible @Steph1710.

Everyone should be entitled to bash one out without having to call their damn lawyer... SHEEEESH!

 

[Steph1710]

It's strange, because I was never fussed about being in a relationship pre-tinnitus, but would relish being in one now. The problem of course is being anxious to do (because of tinnitus) many of the things that relationships involve doing: days out, meeting friends/family, holidays, etc etc. The irony!

I often think being in a relationship with someone who also has tinnitus would be so much easier. Just imagine not having to explain why we do things the way we do - bliss!

Lol! I can just imagine how troublesome my pulsatile tinnitus will be when it comes to the adult stuff. "Sorry, do you mind if we stop briefly, it's just my ears are throbbing."

Well I have terrible pulsatile tinnitus, and I can safely say, when the moment takes over you forget about it until you're spent - then it hammers away like anything.