Hello. I'm a 22 y.o. male struggling with tinnitus.
It all started about 3 months ago. Prior to this, for as long as i remember, i've been struggling with some sort of a depressive/anxiety disorder, although it was never officially diagnosed, because mental disorders are heavily stigmatized in the country i live in. I had been having occasional onsets of depressive thoughts that would make me endure a few tough days, as well as a few sleepless nights.
My tinnitus began like this: it was late at night, i was lying on the bed in silence trying to fall asleep, when all the sudden the sound emerged out of nothing into my left ear. I thought for a second, that one of the electronic devices i have in my room started making the noise. But a few seconds later i realised, that the noise is actually in my head. I was horrified, i've had a breakdown. For the next two nights i could not fall asleep, panicking. My mother had to drive me to a doctor, who administrated me an injection of some sleeping drug, the only thing that could make me fall asleep.
I've made MRI scans and went to a couple of ENTs and neurologists, they just shrugged and told me that the MRI is clean and there could have been many reasons why did the sound appear. They said there is not much that can be done and adviced me to get a radio and use it on low volume when i try to fall asleep. I was devastated.
During the next month, the tinnitus would drive me to tears almost every day. I felt trapped in my own body, forced to be with the sound, unable to escape it. I wanted out. The noise took away my ability to relax, made me constantly flee the silence. There was no more rest for me.
I used to be one of the top students of my university class, but now i can barely keep up with the minimum requirements as i am unable to concentrate because of the noise in my ear. I was going to be a programmer, but it seems like i won't be able to do that, because programming requires sitting in silence and solving tasks.
A few weeks later life delivered another major hit: my beloved father, one of the only few people who cares about me, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Upon finding out about it, i've had another breakdown. I feel like at that point, something broke inside me. Ever since that moment, i've had a strange feeling, like i'm dreaming. It's hard to explain. I feel like my contact with reality is reduced. I've lost my sense of time, my memory is acting strangely - i often forget to finish things that i do. Sometimes I have to make conscious effort to figure out how do i feel. For example, i don't feel much difference if i have been sleping for 3 or 9 hours, so i have to check the clock to see if i should get more sleep. I just feel equally sluggish and exhausted in both cases. I don't panic as much anymore, but i don't really feel many other emotions for that matter, i just feel numb.
I'm not sure if tinnitus is the cause of such symptoms, but i'm certain that tinnitus is what prohibits me from escaping from this strange realm, because unlike everything else, tinnitus feels as real as it used to feel during the first days.
To cope with my former depressive episodes, for many years i had been trying to convince myself that eventually there will be something in my life that will make me happy. But all the results of my efforts were crushed the moment tinnitus started. All the things that i was relying on to make me happy are now rendered useless.
So, this is my life right now. I drive my father to different medical establishments, using all my self-control to act as if there is hope for him, witnessing him getting worse with each month. Of course, i do as much as i can to help my mother support him. When i'm by myself, tinnitus absorbs me completely. It does not let me study, it does not let me work, it does not let me rest. I can mask it with music, but just walking to turn on the speakers seems like a strangely difficult task.
I've been to a therapist and he prescribed me some pills that were supposed to make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately i would not be allowed to drive if i had taken those pills, so there would be nobody to drive my father, which meant i couldn't take those pills.
Even though i know there is only one proven method to stop hearing the noise, i've promised myself to not do anything bad with myself while my father is still alive, because it would make his final months even more horrible, and i don't want him to experience that.
I'm not sure why am i posting this. I guess i just hope i'm prone to "tunnel vision" and therefore unable to see a way out. If somebody can see an option i'm missing, please post it.. I really want to find a good way out of this.
It all started about 3 months ago. Prior to this, for as long as i remember, i've been struggling with some sort of a depressive/anxiety disorder, although it was never officially diagnosed, because mental disorders are heavily stigmatized in the country i live in. I had been having occasional onsets of depressive thoughts that would make me endure a few tough days, as well as a few sleepless nights.
My tinnitus began like this: it was late at night, i was lying on the bed in silence trying to fall asleep, when all the sudden the sound emerged out of nothing into my left ear. I thought for a second, that one of the electronic devices i have in my room started making the noise. But a few seconds later i realised, that the noise is actually in my head. I was horrified, i've had a breakdown. For the next two nights i could not fall asleep, panicking. My mother had to drive me to a doctor, who administrated me an injection of some sleeping drug, the only thing that could make me fall asleep.
I've made MRI scans and went to a couple of ENTs and neurologists, they just shrugged and told me that the MRI is clean and there could have been many reasons why did the sound appear. They said there is not much that can be done and adviced me to get a radio and use it on low volume when i try to fall asleep. I was devastated.
During the next month, the tinnitus would drive me to tears almost every day. I felt trapped in my own body, forced to be with the sound, unable to escape it. I wanted out. The noise took away my ability to relax, made me constantly flee the silence. There was no more rest for me.
I used to be one of the top students of my university class, but now i can barely keep up with the minimum requirements as i am unable to concentrate because of the noise in my ear. I was going to be a programmer, but it seems like i won't be able to do that, because programming requires sitting in silence and solving tasks.
A few weeks later life delivered another major hit: my beloved father, one of the only few people who cares about me, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Upon finding out about it, i've had another breakdown. I feel like at that point, something broke inside me. Ever since that moment, i've had a strange feeling, like i'm dreaming. It's hard to explain. I feel like my contact with reality is reduced. I've lost my sense of time, my memory is acting strangely - i often forget to finish things that i do. Sometimes I have to make conscious effort to figure out how do i feel. For example, i don't feel much difference if i have been sleping for 3 or 9 hours, so i have to check the clock to see if i should get more sleep. I just feel equally sluggish and exhausted in both cases. I don't panic as much anymore, but i don't really feel many other emotions for that matter, i just feel numb.
I'm not sure if tinnitus is the cause of such symptoms, but i'm certain that tinnitus is what prohibits me from escaping from this strange realm, because unlike everything else, tinnitus feels as real as it used to feel during the first days.
To cope with my former depressive episodes, for many years i had been trying to convince myself that eventually there will be something in my life that will make me happy. But all the results of my efforts were crushed the moment tinnitus started. All the things that i was relying on to make me happy are now rendered useless.
So, this is my life right now. I drive my father to different medical establishments, using all my self-control to act as if there is hope for him, witnessing him getting worse with each month. Of course, i do as much as i can to help my mother support him. When i'm by myself, tinnitus absorbs me completely. It does not let me study, it does not let me work, it does not let me rest. I can mask it with music, but just walking to turn on the speakers seems like a strangely difficult task.
I've been to a therapist and he prescribed me some pills that were supposed to make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately i would not be allowed to drive if i had taken those pills, so there would be nobody to drive my father, which meant i couldn't take those pills.
Even though i know there is only one proven method to stop hearing the noise, i've promised myself to not do anything bad with myself while my father is still alive, because it would make his final months even more horrible, and i don't want him to experience that.
I'm not sure why am i posting this. I guess i just hope i'm prone to "tunnel vision" and therefore unable to see a way out. If somebody can see an option i'm missing, please post it.. I really want to find a good way out of this.
Member
Hi,Mustone!I just celebrated my 22nd birthday and I am also studying in college.
