I've had this feeling for a long while, and I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I have this anger towards myself, and it seems to have stemmed when I developed tinnitus, and gotten stronger and stronger over the duration of the year.
My life hasn't been great. My childhood was good but when I got to middle school, there were bullies at every school, and I suffered from anxiety (probably due to school,) and it made me very shy and reluctant to branch out and talk to others my age. Recently, I wanted to change things for once and go to college, make friends etc. I really wanted to try to live a full life. I wanted to give myself a chance.
About a year ago, I developed tinnitus. It was the worst, most anxiety-filled 3-5 months of my life. I didn't know anxiety could last that long. Every psychologist and every therapist I've seen in my life has told me "the anxiety will go away," and "it comes in waves." But I really thought it would last forever. The panic attacks were so bad, I was throwing up every single day one week.
The panic attacks did eventually stop but this feeling has lingered in me. I have this intense, burning anger towards myself inside me that's subdued most of the time, but always present. It isn't really that I blame myself for getting tinnitus. I can't quite describe it. It's just this feeling that everything I've ever done, everything about me, is just a failure. That I, as a person, am defective somehow. I just think, "if so many horrible things have happened to me in my life, than what if it's really meant to be like this? What if I really deserve this?" And it makes me feel sick to my stomach and gives me the urge to crawl out of my skin and run far, far away from myself, just anywhere away from myself, just to be anyone but me. It makes want to cry, and I know there's nothing I can do about. I just feel like I was never meant to be born. I really dislike this feeling, and I'd really like it go away but it never does. I'm sorry for the complaining. I just felt like I needed to put it into words. I didn't mean for this to be such a long post.
My life hasn't been great. My childhood was good but when I got to middle school, there were bullies at every school, and I suffered from anxiety (probably due to school,) and it made me very shy and reluctant to branch out and talk to others my age. Recently, I wanted to change things for once and go to college, make friends etc. I really wanted to try to live a full life. I wanted to give myself a chance.
About a year ago, I developed tinnitus. It was the worst, most anxiety-filled 3-5 months of my life. I didn't know anxiety could last that long. Every psychologist and every therapist I've seen in my life has told me "the anxiety will go away," and "it comes in waves." But I really thought it would last forever. The panic attacks were so bad, I was throwing up every single day one week.
The panic attacks did eventually stop but this feeling has lingered in me. I have this intense, burning anger towards myself inside me that's subdued most of the time, but always present. It isn't really that I blame myself for getting tinnitus. I can't quite describe it. It's just this feeling that everything I've ever done, everything about me, is just a failure. That I, as a person, am defective somehow. I just think, "if so many horrible things have happened to me in my life, than what if it's really meant to be like this? What if I really deserve this?" And it makes me feel sick to my stomach and gives me the urge to crawl out of my skin and run far, far away from myself, just anywhere away from myself, just to be anyone but me. It makes want to cry, and I know there's nothing I can do about. I just feel like I was never meant to be born. I really dislike this feeling, and I'd really like it go away but it never does. I'm sorry for the complaining. I just felt like I needed to put it into words. I didn't mean for this to be such a long post.
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