Suicidal

[MadeleineHope]

How old are you and how severe is your tinnitus?

I'm applying because of my severe hyperacusis, rather than my tinnitus. My tinnitus interferes with my functioning for sure (it's multi-tonal, reactive, & 'winds up' with sound exposure), but I wouldn't be applying for euthanasia if I just had that. The severe hyperacusis is what has resulted in no quality of life & tons of suffering.

As for my age, I don't really feel comfortable sharing that, but I'd say I'm not exactly considered young or old - somewhere in the middle.

I'm freaking out right now guys. I STUPIDLY stopped my anxiety meds abruptly (had withdrawal symptoms), and I'm worried it's the explanation for why my hyperacusis/tinnitus got seemingly worse out of nowhere.

Just read that stopping meds can cause tinnitus (the opposite happens in some cases too). I panicked because I read they could be ototoxic which is why I stopped. Who does that?! I should have talked to a doctor first but scared of phone calls/office visits.

I still can't believe I did it. Does anyone know if this would explain the worsening? I never used to have nerve pain/sensitivity before and my loudness hyperacusis went up too. One night I didn't feel well, my heartbeat was off, and I started getting nauseous.

TIRED OF MAKING STUPID DECISIONS, USUALLY BASED ON FEAR. Sometimes I feel like I'm too deep to come back up.

Apologies for rant and please judge me bc I deserve it.

Hey Sarah,

Though I'm sure we wish we could, I don't think anyone can tell you what led to a worsening of your condition... I suspect the withdrawal from the benzodiazepine was responsible for the nausea/vomiting but the other symptoms could be a variety of things... the withdrawal, exposure to sound, anxiety, or a combination thereof are a few that come to mind. So I don't think it'll help to try to analyze what happened... but instead to create a plan of action for moving forward in your recovery. I know this is so much easier said than done, but I sincerely think the effort you put into this will reward you significantly & put you on the path of healing.

Wishing you all the best,
Maddy

 

[MadeleineHope]

I just wanted to say that I'm glad that this thread, & the ability to voice our suicidal thoughts on this forum in general, exists. There were a couple of nights throughout my journey where posting on the forum literally helped me get through the night. Even though in these cases I wasn't direct about what was happening, just being able to post that I was in a high degree of distress/in need of support helped me feel less alone, as did waking up to supportive comments.

Yes, it can be really heartwrenching reading about others' struggles - and sometimes it's important to 'shield' ourselves by limiting what &/or how much we read - but it can also help us feel connected & less alone. And when we find ourselves in the depths of despair, having that safe space to be honest about how we feel, that opportunity for catharsis, can make a big difference - and even serve as a lifeline.

Maddy

 

[scared8]

Hey Sarah,

Though I'm sure we wish we could, I don't think anyone can tell you what led to a worsening of your condition... I suspect the withdrawal from the benzodiazepine was responsible for the nausea/vomiting but the other symptoms could be a variety of things... the withdrawal, exposure to sound, anxiety, or a combination thereof are a few that come to mind. So I don't think it'll help to try to analyze what happened... but instead to create a plan of action for moving forward in your recovery. I know this is so much easier said than done, but I sincerely think the effort you put into this will reward you significantly & put you on the path of healing.

Wishing you all the best,
Maddy

You're so right. No point in looking back.

 

[MadeleineHope]

It's becoming harder & harder to bear each day. Sometimes I fear I will not even make it to my euthanasia assessments, since I have a feeling they're just going to deny me anyway.

It seems the simplest solution would just be to end things myself, but I don't want to suffer. And I just can't motivate myself to prepare my things... interestingly, that has served & is continuing to serve as a barrier to suicide. If circumstances were different, I would say that's a good thing, but in this case, I genuinely just want to go & be at peace. If my affairs were in order & someone came to euthanize me, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

 

[haha ear go eeee]

It's becoming harder & harder to bear each day. Sometimes I fear I will not even make it to my euthanasia assessments, since I have a feeling they're just going to deny me anyway.

It seems the simplest solution would just be to end things myself, but I don't want to suffer. And I just can't motivate myself to prepare my things... interestingly, that has served & is continuing to serve as a barrier to suicide. If circumstances were different, I would say that's a good thing, but in this case, I genuinely just want to go & be at peace. If my affairs were in order & someone came to euthanize me, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

Are you lining up anything to try before you go with the MAID route? I'm trying to score some CBD isolate right now in Canada. It's pretty challenging lmao.

 

[Juliane]

It's becoming harder & harder to bear each day. Sometimes I fear I will not even make it to my euthanasia assessments, since I have a feeling they're just going to deny me anyway.

It seems the simplest solution would just be to end things myself, but I don't want to suffer. And I just can't motivate myself to prepare my things... interestingly, that has served & is continuing to serve as a barrier to suicide. If circumstances were different, I would say that's a good thing, but in this case, I genuinely just want to go & be at peace. If my affairs were in order & someone came to euthanize me, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

Maddy, I understand, I really do. My heart cries for you. These conditions are so horrendous and even more so because we receive zero understanding from the medical community.

8 months ago, assisted suicide was a topic that wasn't of much concern or interest to me. Today, with my intense worsening and suffering, I am happy and relieved to know that such an option exists. I really do believe people should have the opportunity to be released from their suffering.

However, I am deeply saddened and sickened by the fact that the treatment options of what you are going through are so poor. It just makes me sick to my stomach and breaks my heart.

I truly hope you will get better, Maddy.

 

[MadeleineHope]

Maddy, I understand, I really do. My heart cries for you. These conditions are so horrendous and even more so because we receive zero understanding from the medical community.

8 months ago, assisted suicide was a topic that wasn't of much concern or interest to me. Today, with my intense worsening and suffering, I am happy and relieved to know that such an option exists. I really do believe people should have the opportunity to be released from their suffering.

However, I am deeply saddened and sickened by the fact that the treatment options of what you are going through are so poor. It just makes me sick to my stomach and breaks my heart.

I truly hope you will get better, Maddy.

Thank you dear Juliane for your words of support; your empathy comes through really clearly.

I know you're struggling too, so sending huge hugs your way

 

[MadeleineHope]

Are you lining up anything to try before you go with the MAID route? I'm trying to score some CBD isolate right now in Canada. It's pretty challenging lmao.

Keep me/us updated if you're able to source something pure! I'm admittedly completely lost when it comes to CBD :/

 

[PennyCat]

I'm suicidal and scared. I don't want to have to keep going through this cycle of setbacks every time I think I'm going to be okay. I know I'm still relatively early on (~8.5 months) and that habituation isn't linear, and maybe this is just my brain trying to figure it all out or recalibrate or whatever, but what if this just never stops? What if it gets worse every few months for the rest of my life? This is probably my OCD talking but I can't stop it. I can't regulate my emotions. I spent 10 weeks in an anxiety outpatient program, finished in July, and now here I am, right back at square one. Maybe even worse than before. Will I ever be truly okay? Not just temporarily, but truly.

 

[pleasejuststop]

I'm literally sobbing right now. I can't handle this. I need to end this soon. My life has been so unfair from day 1. I can't understand how this is real. It must be a nightmare. The panic attacks are nonstop and indescribably intense.

 

[gameover]

I'm suicidal and scared. I don't want to have to keep going through this cycle of setbacks every time I think I'm going to be okay. I know I'm still relatively early on (~8.5 months) and that habituation isn't linear, and maybe this is just my brain trying to figure it all out or recalibrate or whatever, but what if this just never stops? What if it gets worse every few months for the rest of my life? This is probably my OCD talking but I can't stop it. I can't regulate my emotions. I spent 10 weeks in an anxiety outpatient program, finished in July, and now here I am, right back at square one. Maybe even worse than before. Will I ever be truly okay? Not just temporarily, but truly.

Nobody knows, but several people who went through this say there is a good chance we will be ok. I am in a miserable spot myself again after a few weeks of somewhat better time. Tinnitus louder, emotions more fragile, "S" thoughts came back. I am trying to remind myself I need to hang around for 1-2 years, perhaps 3 to know if I will be better. I am just over 7 months since the trauma. It's horrible and I so wish this never happened to me. In my case it was perfectly avoidable which makes all this so much worse. I'd have given up everything. Money, career for sure. Family even? I cannot resist the feeling I'd rather be lonely but healthy. Or lonely anyway. I think it makes sense. Taking one's life may end (hopefully) your suffering, but inevitably it leaves the loved suffering. If it was just me, I could go without guilt.

It's a true hell. Maybe we'll get better in 1-3 years timeframe. Good luck to you.

 

[Ryan Scott]

Nobody knows, but several people who went through this say there is a good chance we will be ok. I am in a miserable spot myself again after a few weeks of somewhat better time. Tinnitus louder, emotions more fragile, "S" thoughts came back. I am trying to remind myself I need to hang around for 1-2 years, perhaps 3 to know if I will be better. I am just over 7 months since the trauma. It's horrible and I so wish this never happened to me. In my case it was perfectly avoidable which makes all this so much worse. I'd have given up everything. Money, career for sure. Family even? I cannot resist the feeling I'd rather be lonely but healthy. Or lonely anyway. I think it makes sense. Taking one's life may end (hopefully) your suffering, but inevitably it leaves the loved suffering. If it was just me, I could go without guilt.

It's a true hell. Maybe we'll get better in 1-3 years timeframe. Good luck to you.

Try to stay strong bro, I have been going through some rough patches myself.

Hopefully Dr. Shore's device will give us some relief sooner rather than later.

I feel like I'm also at my breaking point but just trying to keep going.

 

[gameover]

Try to stay strong bro, I have been going through some rough patches myself.

Hopefully Dr. Shore's device will give us some relief sooner rather than later.

I feel like I'm also at my breaking point but just trying to keep going.

Thanks @Ryan Scott. I know you are struggling a lot, too.

I am not quite sure what dragged me down recently. News suggesting Dr. Shore's device is years out? A friend throwing me under the bus? Fatigue of prayer with no answer? Increase in volume? Really not sure. This feels so wrong and ironic, given how engaged, busy, full of life and plans I was. Never depressed. I suppose the depression was lurking somewhere in me, I had a few days, maybe like 2 or 3 times in my life when I was down, but I quickly snapped out of it because there was much to do and expect in life. The weight of what happened to me now is so overwhelming, so dreadful, so tormenting, there is no snapping out of it, I am afraid.

I want to tell myself the tinnitus can get better but given my significant hearing loss (50 dB @ 8 kHz) it objectively does not bode well. I have not tried any anti-depressants, and I was at a point where things started to look up, so I even thought "glad I did not take them", but maybe I should reconsider. If they make things better, that's great, and if they make things worse, that will be the push to end it. Right now I am walking near the edge. I want to live, I REALLY do, just not like this.

 

[Ryan Scott]

Thanks @Ryan Scott. I know you are struggling a lot, too.

I am not quite sure what dragged me down recently. News suggesting Dr. Shore's device is years out? A friend throwing me under the bus? Fatigue of prayer with no answer? Increase in volume? Really not sure. This feels so wrong and ironic, given how engaged, busy, full of life and plans I was. Never depressed. I suppose the depression was lurking somewhere in me, I had a few days, maybe like 2 or 3 times in my life when I was down, but I quickly snapped out of it because there was much to do and expect in life. The weight of what happened to me now is so overwhelming, so dreadful, so tormenting, there is no snapping out of it, I am afraid.

I want to tell myself the tinnitus can get better but given my significant hearing loss (50 dB @ 8 kHz) it objectively does not bode well. I have not tried any anti-depressants, and I was at a point where things started to look up, so I even thought "glad I did not take them", but maybe I should reconsider. If they make things better, that's great, and if they make things worse, that will be the push to end it. Right now I am walking near the edge. I want to live, I REALLY do, just not like this.

I feel like you and me are pretty much in the exact same place man, everything you say is very relatable. My volume of tinnitus has increased in the last month for some reason and that has really depressed me. I have never dealt with depression / anxiety in my life; however, of course the health professionals assume people with bothersome tinnitus have some underlying psychological condition. Like maybe I just can't think and function on a daily basis with this alarm screeching in my head, have you considered that lol?

Same, I also try to stay positive and reassure myself that tinnitus can improve, but it's hard after you have been fighting it for 9 months and it only seems to get worse. I would also love to try an antidepressant, but I am barely making it day by day in my current condition. What happens if I try one and it does make my tinnitus worse? Hopefully we get more good news regarding Dr. Shore's device within the next year and hopefully some new research brings more optimism.

Honestly, I just wish I could move to the mountains for a few years or somewhere in nature with sufficient background noise. Tinnitus sufferers should have a community together in the mountains for us to heal in nature lol.

 

[haha ear go eeee]

Thanks @Ryan Scott. I know you are struggling a lot, too.

I am not quite sure what dragged me down recently. News suggesting Dr. Shore's device is years out? A friend throwing me under the bus? Fatigue of prayer with no answer? Increase in volume? Really not sure. This feels so wrong and ironic, given how engaged, busy, full of life and plans I was. Never depressed. I suppose the depression was lurking somewhere in me, I had a few days, maybe like 2 or 3 times in my life when I was down, but I quickly snapped out of it because there was much to do and expect in life. The weight of what happened to me now is so overwhelming, so dreadful, so tormenting, there is no snapping out of it, I am afraid.

I want to tell myself the tinnitus can get better but given my significant hearing loss (50 dB @ 8 kHz) it objectively does not bode well. I have not tried any anti-depressants, and I was at a point where things started to look up, so I even thought "glad I did not take them", but maybe I should reconsider. If they make things better, that's great, and if they make things worse, that will be the push to end it. Right now I am walking near the edge. I want to live, I REALLY do, just not like this.

If I may, have you considered sending a message to Neil Bauman to see what is the least ototoxic medication you can try for your tinnitus? He helped me find a safer antihistamine to take and it hasn't spiked me yet.

I'd gather a list of natural herbal remedies and medications that have helped people with their tinnitus on here, and slowly work through the list, weaning out any drug that has a higher chance of being ototoxic. Eventually, you'll be left with a shortened list that you can discuss with Bauman about?

 

[gameover]

Honestly, I just wish I could move to the mountains for a few years or somewhere in nature with sufficient background noise. Tinnitus sufferers should have a community together in the mountains for us to heal in nature lol.

Exactly. I wrote that before. If I hit a jackpot that's exactly what I would create, a non-profit healing place for tinnitus/hyperacusis sufferers. An ideal location would be by a brook somewhere in the forest.

 

[PennyCat]

I don't know how to keep going. It seems worse every day (whether this is really true or just due to anxiety is unknown). I cannot calm myself down no matter what. My TTTS is back (now this one is most definitely due to anxiety).

The torture never ends. I don't see an end in sight. I don't want it to keep getting worse indefinitely. My 23rd birthday is in a little over a week. I spent almost all of age 22 suffering from this. How many years of my life are going to be wasted? How many are going to spent miserable, crying all day, isolated from the world and contemplating suicide? Will I ever be okay?

 

[Nick23]

I don't know how to keep going. It seems worse every day (whether this is really true or just due to anxiety is unknown). I cannot calm myself down no matter what. My TTTS is back (now this one is most definitely due to anxiety).

The torture never ends. I don't see an end in sight. I don't want it to keep getting worse indefinitely. My 23rd birthday is in a little over a week. I spent almost all of age 22 suffering from this. How many years of my life are going to be wasted? How many are going to spent miserable, crying all day, isolated from the world and contemplating suicide? Will I ever be okay?

You're going to get through this.

 

[gameover]

The idea of ending this suffering is becoming more and more attractive me. Losing faith maybe was the necessary step towards that. Tinnitus together with hyperacusis is simply too much.

I'm applying because of my severe hyperacusis, rather than my tinnitus. My tinnitus interferes with my functioning for sure (it's multi-tonal, reactive, & 'winds up' with sound exposure), but I wouldn't be applying for euthanasia if I just had that. The severe hyperacusis is what has resulted in no quality of life & tons of suffering.

You are spot on, @MadeleineHope. Tinnitus is all about inner suffering. It is horrid but it is literally inside us. The problem with hyperacusis is, it is triggered by others. It can being incredible hatred and anger towards others. I can imagine a situation where I would hurt someone badly, like that truck driver that constantly makes the racket with his truck jake brake and then accelerates full force. I fantasized a few times about torturing him. I really did. I don't know who he is, or how he looks even. Yet, I'd like him to suffer as much as I do, or more.

Point is, hyperacusis makes us incompatible with this world. Ergo, life is literally impossible.

 

[scared8]

My ears hurt so bad right now. I refuse to take anything for it. 31 years down, 40+ to go. I can't do it. I have had severe nerve like pain in ears/jaw/teeth recently. It was radiating down neck at one point. Not sure if from med withdrawal, or noxacusis? Usually I don't get pain from sounds, at least not that I know of. Praying it's not noxacusis. I just clicked off a light switch and it probably made a loud sound. I was only wearing Loop earplugs.

My mom gets upset when I mention suicide. She says she will have to call 911 to have them take me so I won't do it or she will have to tell my psychiatrist. I don't want to end up in mental health facility. They can be helpful in certain cases but with hyperacusis/tinnitus, as you all know, it could be disaster. I'm definitely not saying a person shouldn't go - it's very complicated as you all know.

I was reading comments recently from a beloved user of this forum (I will refrain from using name). I signed on too late to interact with them, but they were kind, funny, upbeat, and hopeful in their posts and comments. In one comment he was even helping someone who was struggling with thoughts of suicide.

That amazing human took his own life. This is PROOF to the medical professionals who spread the "just be positive" advice that it isn't enough. Yes, positivity can be extremely beneficial but it needs to be accompanied by research, treatments, and people believing victims of this disease when they explain how bad they're struggling.

I just don't know guys, I'm scared. Thinking about all of you.

 

[Juliane]

I feel so sad reading the posts from so many previously happy well-functioning human beings having their lives ruined by a stupid SOUND. My god, it seems so utterly meaningless.

I have suicidal ideation myself. How could one not with the 24/7 torture going on. My first round of tinnitus was self-imposed after a rock festival and that made me struggle with guilt and self loathing. This time around, it was caused by other people making the decision to blow up an illegal firecracker next to innocent bystanders. This fills me with hate and bitterness.

However, nothing is going to change what happened. Most days I definitely don't want to live but I know I could never take my own life. I am too damn scared and even worry about going to hell because that's what the Bible says about suicide, no?

But I do strongly consider becoming a member of the Pegasos organization in Switzerland. I mean, what the f... are we supposed to do? No one is prioritizing a cure for tinnitus, it is all such a joke. I am having a very bad day and right now my only hope is to think back to Tuesday this week where I actually had a wonderful day in spite of everything. Perhaps that's how we survive with tinnitus and hyperacusis. In the hope for that next unexpected bright lovely day in a desert of despair.

Thinking of all of you. I am happy to not be alone on this very lonely journey and I am honored to know you. This community feels like a miracle.

 

[Eric N]

This time around, it was caused by other people making the decision to blow up an illegal firecracker next to innocent bystanders.

This is one of my greatest fears that somebody does something stupid that makes my tinnitus worse. I don't know what I would do to that person. I stay indoors most of the time and wear hearing protection always when going out, I never go to places where stuff like this is likely to happen.

 

[scared8]

I feel so sad reading the posts from so many previously happy well-functioning human beings having their lives ruined by a stupid SOUND. My god, it seems so utterly meaningless.

I have suicidal ideation myself. How could one not with the 24/7 torture going on. My first round of tinnitus was self-imposed after a rock festival and that made me struggle with guilt and self loathing. This time around, it was caused by other people making the decision to blow up an illegal firecracker next to innocent bystanders. This fills me with hate and bitterness.

However, nothing is going to change what happened. Most days I definitely don't want to live but I know I could never take my own life. I am too damn scared and even worry about going to hell because that's what the Bible says about suicide, no?

But I do strongly consider becoming a member of the Pegasos organization in Switzerland. I mean, what the f... are we supposed to do? No one is prioritizing a cure for tinnitus, it is all such a joke. I am having a very bad day and right now my only hope is to think back to Tuesday this week where I actually had a wonderful day in spite of everything. Perhaps that's how we survive with tinnitus and hyperacusis. In the hope for that next unexpected bright lovely day in a desert of despair.

Thinking of all of you. I am happy to not be alone on this very lonely journey and I am honored to know you. This community feels like a miracle.

I know it doesn't fix anything, but please know this isn't your fault. People stand 2 inches from concert speakers, rev motorcycles and blow air horns - and they still didn't get this condition.

I have the exact same fears about hell. I honestly don't know how to process it. I know it sounds cheesy but we're here for you. I consider yourself and the members here family.

 

[scared8]

I'M DONE. I think I have gaze-induced tinnitus; constant zaps and extremely loud buzzing triggered by eye movement. THIS IS TORTUROUS. My head feels like it's electrically charged. Everything just keeps getting worse because I cold turkeyed meds. It's my fault. God in Heaven please forgive me and have mercy on me even though I don't deserve it.

Please God, please remove these conditions from my body. The zapping is making me feel insane. I don't want to die but I can't live like this. Please God I'm not a good person and I've never followed You like I should. Please forgive me.

I will be sent to a psych ward. I'm scared that will worsen my symptoms.

 

[grate_biff]

Everything just keeps getting worse because I cold turkeyed meds.

RE-INSTATE NOW.

 

[PennyCat]

Everything just keeps getting worse because I cold turkeyed meds

I know you're really struggling right now, but try not to blame yourself or beat yourself up so much, if you can. I've been on antidepressants for a decade and have abruptly stopped taking them more times than I can count. I didn't know it was possible for tinnitus to result from that until I saw you mention it, and I'm assuming you didn't know either. It's not your fault and you're not stupid. I see how much you're hurting - and I know that blaming yourself for it is only another layer of suffering to deal with. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

[scared8]

RE-INSTATE NOW.

My doctor would not allow me to taper so I had to find another doctor. The appointment is 8/31.

In hindsight maybe I should have reinstated in the meantime. I'm all over the place and can't make up my mind - I was hoping for medical direction but current doctor would not discuss my concerns at all. He said I'm not withdrawing and it's just anxiety (despite symptoms of withdrawal) - I would either need to take the meds with no discussion or find an alternate provider.

I don't blame him. I was non-compliant.

I know you're really struggling right now, but try not to blame yourself or beat yourself up so much, if you can. I've been on antidepressants for a decade and have abruptly stopped taking them more times than I can count. I didn't know it was possible for tinnitus to result from that until I saw you mention it, and I'm assuming you didn't know either. It's not your fault and you're not stupid. I see how much you're hurting - and I know that blaming yourself for it is only another layer of suffering to deal with. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Thank you so much - I've read your posts and I'm so sorry you're struggling as well. I really hope I made the right decision to seek another doctor. The current one would not allow discussion at all and he did not think I am withdrawing and that makes me concerned - who knows what I've done to my nervous system because of this. I'm having trouble making decisions due to anxiety and there's so much opinion on what to do. I should have gone to my doctor sooner, I was trying to avoid the appointment because of the car ride, as if that's worse than withdrawing... It's been a series of terrible decisions and I'm praying this new practitioner can help.

Thanks, friend.

 

[tpj]

My doctor would not allow me to taper

Your current doctor is an idiot. Thank goodness you're seeing someone else. All the best.

 

[grate_biff]

@linearb, are you still with us? How are you doing?

 

[gameover]

I have been thinking about applying for euthanasia as well but would need to figure out the logistics for Netherlands. We're forced against our will to live over here in the US maybe with the exception of being diagnosed with less than 6 months to live.

Everyday I'm praying that maybe I come down with some terminal illness and have less than 6 months. I think that would be the best ending for me.

Not sure if Netherlands is the best option. I think it is Switzerland, especially Pegasos, with which tinnitus sufferers have had success before. If you were to choose a less dignified path, being in the U.S. is actually an advantage. I abhor that way, but access to it in the U.S. is easier than most anywhere else. Less paperwork, travel, cheaper.

I am so sad to be in this thread again. When I started to feel better, I hoped I left it for a good while.