Suicidal

[tiniturk]

I thought about suicide every day for 15 years. The reason I didn't do it was because logically it made no sense.

If I killed myself because of my severe tinnitus, I would not gain any moment of, "Wow, am I glad that's over."

Killing myself would not have given me any relief that I could actually experience, so it logically made no sense.

Couldn't have said it better. I want to be here for the day where I can finally say "I beat it!".

 

[BrianVL]

Actually, THC is very ototoxic and a known trigger for tinnitus, especially if used in large doses on a regular basis. It seems to really come on by itself at some point in a lot of people. The internet is chock full of people who have experienced this. I'm one of them. Lots of studies out there that show its effects.

It didn't bother my tinnitus at first, but then the tinnitus kept getting worse and worse until I finally got to the point where I am now.... avoiding weed or any of its byproducts like the plague. All of this appears to be cumulative. We seem to get to a certain level and bam, the tinnitus either arrives on its own, or it makes our existing tinnitus much worse. Like most medical issues, it affects some and not others, but it sure affects me! The good news is that my tinnitus returned to base very quickly after I stopped smoking weed or eating edibles.

Do you have a source for THC being ototoxic? I looked for one all over the internet and got nothing.

The thing is, I hardly use any "large doses" even though I did overuse a lot of it last summer. Either way I guess this is pretty problematic for me... It's the only substance that treats my anxiety and PTSD as well as it does. So, basically, I'm going to kill myself within the next 2 months, probably. If anyone ever sees this message and I'm not posting by September 2023, you'll know... I simply can't live without cannabis, I just can't. I've carried a lot of severe trauma around all my life and years ago maintained that as long as I could get high at the end of the day, everything would be alright.

You'd have to wonder why so many rappers smoke an ounce a day and have zero issues with tinnitus. Nobody I've ever met, no matter how chronic their use, has developed tinnitus. I refuse to believe it caused mine to develop. I was diagnosed with a "long-standing ethmoid sinus infection" per MRI but nobody was able to tell me exactly how long I've had it for. I didn't get antibiotics after my sinus surgery in May of last year so possibly around then but a CT from November didn't find anything.

My only saving grace for awhile has been Niacin, it works great, at least it did. Now it decided it doesn't want to and was my final saving grace.

Also, there were quite a few times where I'd use more cannabis than needed and the next morning was way quieter or my tinnitus actually got better while high such as the other night, so I think there is something else at play here. I really don't think THC is ototoxic. It might be able to cause tinnitus but the only studies I've found about THC and tinnitus show there's incidents of tinnitus that lasts brief periods more often in users. I've taken a whole lot of other ototoxic meds in the past like antidepressants, many of which seem to be the direct cause for sufferers on this forum, and none of them gave me tinnitus.

 

[haha ear go eeee]

It's so damn difficult to not be contemplating suicide with hyperacusis. It's actually insane how quickly the mind goes to shit from this.

Like, my suicidal thoughts haven't been this bad since high school when I was being bullied severely. And I already deal with horrible unmedicated depression and anxiety, so you can imagine what that's doing to me lmao. And, here's the thing, my mood will flip so drastically too. I'll be working on my Will and Testament one minute, and be actively planning for the future in the next lol.

I don't know, maybe I'm just fucked in the head or something.

 

[MadeleineHope]

It's so damn difficult to not be contemplating suicide with hyperacusis. It's actually insane how quickly the mind goes to shit from this.

Like, my suicidal thoughts haven't been this bad since high school when I was being bullied severely. And I already deal with horrible unmedicated depression and anxiety, so you can imagine what that's doing to me lmao. And, here's the thing, my mood will flip so drastically too. I'll be working on my Will and Testament one minute, and be actively planning for the future in the next lol.

I don't know, maybe I'm just fucked in the head or something.

Absolutely not fucked in the head; I can relate. Serious hyperacusis is such a life-altering condition (even if only temporarily) that I think contemplating suicide is the norm. The human survival instinct is very real too. So, to me, your experience makes a lot of sense.

Sending many hugs,
Maddy

 

[scared8]

I've been thinking about it more recently and it scares me. Having weird/painful symptoms thinking about ER it's so bad

 

[scared8]

The only thing keeping me here is a fear of what comes next.

 

[MadeleineHope]

I've been thinking about it more recently and it scares me. Having weird/painful symptoms thinking about ER it's so bad

Hey, glad to see you're still hanging in there! What kind of weird/painful symptoms are you having? Hyperacusis can cause all kinds of weird symptoms, as I'm sure many of us here can attest to!

Are you thinking of going to the ER because of the symptoms or because you're feeling on the brink of suicide?

Sending hugs!

 

[scared8]

@MadelineHope Mainly for the symptoms. I'm having what feels like nerve pain but I'm not sure. It's so bad it's making me sick.

 

[scared8]

It's like a horrible toothache that feels deep into the bone but in my ears.

 

[ECP]

It's like a horrible toothache that feels deep into the bone but in my ears

I have had a chronic pain very similar or identical to what you've described. I've often said to my acupuncturist that it's a pain that radiates downward from deep inside the ear--so far downward that it's almost like a toothache, even though I don't have anything wrong with my teeth.

That pain lasted for months, but it did go away. My primary care doctor may have been right when she said it was nerve pain coming from the ear. Another cause may have been chronic muscle tightness coming from tonic tensor tympani syndrome. Maybe it was both? But whatever was causing the pain, it did stop eventually. I credit acupuncture for the most part. Cymbalta also helped, and I only wish I'd started taking that sooner instead of holding out for so long because I was afraid to take meds.

If you're still in pain, please try to see someone in urgent care, or speak to a nurse over the phone if your health insurance has a free hotline you can call for medical questions. Nobody should suffer like this. You deserve to feel better, and you deserve some peace of mind.

I'll be thinking of your mom too and hoping that she shows more patience for what you're going through. Ear problems like tinnitus and hyperacusis are really difficult to deal with, and only a fellow sufferer understands how it feels. Hang in there, okay?

 

[MadeleineHope]

It's like a horrible toothache that feels deep into the bone but in my ears.

Do you have any ginger at home, or can you have someone buy some for you? Ginger helps some people with burning pain (if you can relate to that), so it might be worth a shot. Ambroxol is another med that can help, if you can gain access to it (this one might take a while to obtain though depending in where you are).

Personally, I'd avoid the ER if at all possible because of the risk of the noise worsening your symptoms. Instead, I would maybe try reaching out to your family doctor to discuss something like CBD oil or low-dose naltrexone (other members have had success with these). There are other meds you can try of course, but in my opinion, the more you can stay away from stronger meds, the better (since these can worsen people).

Also, as incredibly challenging as it can be, do your best to remain calm, as the brain can amplify pain.

Hope you're feeling at least a little better, & keep us updated!

Maddy

 

[orenge01]

Couldn't have said it better. I want to be here for the day where I can finally say "I beat it!".

Same. Hopefully that day could come sooner...

 

[pleasejuststop]

It's so damn difficult to not be contemplating suicide with hyperacusis. It's actually insane how quickly the mind goes to shit from this.

Like, my suicidal thoughts haven't been this bad since high school when I was being bullied severely. And I already deal with horrible unmedicated depression and anxiety, so you can imagine what that's doing to me lmao. And, here's the thing, my mood will flip so drastically too. I'll be working on my Will and Testament one minute, and be actively planning for the future in the next lol.

I don't know, maybe I'm just fucked in the head or something.

I was bullied in high school too. It damaged my brain and gave me debilitating anxiety. And then getting tinnitus and more after that, I feel so unlucky. I can't live like this.

 

[haha ear go eeee]

I am struggling to stay afloat.

If the noxacusis and tinnitus weren't bad enough, I think I am beginning to develop a Mast Cell problem as well. I'm starting to react to everything. I cut out all foods, but now I'm reacting to handsoap, freshly washed bedding, and my toothpaste.

I can't enjoy life anymore, and I can see my partner slowly start to lose patience with me. It's not his fault by any means, he's incredibly patient, but patience can only go so far.

I fear that I am reaching my limit.

 

[MadG]

I am struggling to stay afloat.

If the noxacusis and tinnitus weren't bad enough, I think I am beginning to develop a Mast Cell problem as well. I'm starting to react to everything. I cut out all foods, but now I'm reacting to handsoap, freshly washed bedding, and my toothpaste.

I can't enjoy life anymore, and I can see my partner slowly start to lose patience with me. It's not his fault by any means, he's incredibly patient, but patience can only go so far.

I fear that I am reaching my limit.

We all lose our partners due to severe tinnitus or hyperacusis...

 

[Cmspgran]

Sorry to hear you're feeling at your limit, came out of an LTR myself last year and pretty sure one of the driving factors was my ex being fed up with many health issues, one of which was ear issues on and off over the years.

Currently had to move back with my parents to financially get back afloat and they are the best parents anyone could ever wish for yet feel so alone with this current unbearable spike/reactive T from an MRI. Have never known daily mental torture like this, wish I had some advice for you but know you're not alone in feeling this way.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Currently had to move back with my parents to financially get back afloat and they are the best parents anyone could ever wish for yet feel so alone with this current unbearable spike/reactive T from an MRI. Have never known daily mental torture like this, wish I had some advice for you but know you're not alone in feeling this way.

I totally understand how you feel @Cmspgran. When I first got tinnitus 27 years ago, I had to move back home to live with my parents, they are no longer with us now. They stayed by my bedside for many nights for I was completely lost. Thinking back I don't know what would have happened if they weren't there for me. Nothing was too much trouble for them.

Many people don't understand the devastation that tinnitus can unleash on a person. One has to experience it to know.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Take care,
Michael

 

[Strawberryblonde]

They stayed by my bedside for many nights for I was completely lost.

My mum still does that now when I'm overcome with the emotion tinnitus has inflicted on me. I really don't know what I'd do without her support. She also has tinnitus but she just tunes out her noises and can fall asleep in an instant. I didn't inherit that part of her gene, just the tinnitus part.

 

[Michael Leigh]

My mum still does that now when I'm overcome with the emotion tinnitus has inflicted on me. I really don't know what I'd do without her support. She also has tinnitus but she just tunes out her noises and can fall asleep in an instant. I didn't inherit that part of her gene, just the tinnitus part.

Thankfully you have someone close that can help you when you are having difficulty managing tinnitus. Your mother, bless her, is able to tune the tinnitus out and fall asleep because she does not have it severe enough - I hope it stays that way. If it ever becomes severe - and it's possible -, she wouldn't be able to tune it out so easily.

Tinnitus comes in many forms and no two people experience it the same.

Michael

 

[Cmspgran]

I totally understand how you feel @Cmspgran. When I first got tinnitus 27 years ago, I had to move back home to live with my parents, they are no longer with us now. They stayed by my bedside for many nights for I was completely lost. Thinking back I don't know what would have happened if they weren't there for me. Nothing was too much trouble for them.

Many people don't understand the devastation that tinnitus can unleash on a person. One has to experience it to know.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Take care,
Michael

You are absolutely correct Michael, this incident happened after moving back home and my previous partner definitely wouldn't have had the same patience my parents have shown. Even though they are both now elderly, they have listened, supported, counselled. I would have been lost without them and hate bringing this negativity on their lives.

Not feeling much better to be honest and was hoping to have seen more improvements, sound therapy throughout the night is making my tinnitus worse the next day, tried different sounds and different volumes so have gone back to silence. Getting close to the three month mark now, never in my worst nightmares did I think this would still be so bad.

Indeed you are right about the absolute devastation tinnitus can do, I just pray that time is a healer for me and everyone else in a similar boat right now. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

[scared8]

**Trigger Warning: mental health/suicide & discussion of religion**

I've been thinking about euthanasia recently. It scares me that my mind is going there. It's not available in TX. Trying to make it 2 years. I'm on month 4: pain/sensitivity from hyperacusis has become unbearable at times. I heard dismal outcomes about acoustic trauma - I got it from MRI - and that it does doesn't heal well. It seems to differ between people.

I want to stay more than words can express. Religious beliefs have me scared out of my mind about what would happen if I did it. Definitely not judging anyone who does and hope I'm not coming across as saying it is wrong.

Will we be okay, guys?

 

[Cmspgran]

You will be ok, things WILL get better for you, you've just got to hang on one day at a time. Seek treatment for your anxiety if you think it's needed, please don't give up, sending my sincerest concerns for you and praying you get better.

 

[scared8]

Walls are closing in. Can't do this for the rest of life. Not feasible. May God have mercy of us and everyone in need. Took propranolol might be ototoxic gotten mixed answers. Was spiraling. God of love and healing, please help up in our time of need.

 

[andrewdaniels]

Walls are closing in. Can't do this for the rest of life. Not feasible. May God have mercy of us and everyone in need. Took propranolol might be ototoxic gotten mixed answers. Was spiraling. God of love and healing, please help up in our time of need.

Keep holding on, it will get better. I had habituated for two years, but I'm in a new, loud spike and feel like I'm starting over again. I hold on to hope because it honestly seems like the two most anticipated treatments are coming in the next couple years (Dr. Shore's device, XEN1101/BHV-7000 drugs).

 

[MadeleineHope]

I started the process of applying for euthanasia today... it's been a long time coming. Feeling both anxious & relieved at the same time, & just letting the tears flow.

 

[crescentsky]

I have been thinking about applying for euthanasia as well but would need to figure out the logistics for Netherlands. We're forced against our will to live over here in the US maybe with the exception of being diagnosed with less than 6 months to live.

Everyday I'm praying that maybe I come down with some terminal illness and have less than 6 months. I think that would be the best ending for me.

 

[MadeleineHope]

I have been thinking about applying for euthanasia as well but would need to figure out the logistics for Netherlands. We're forced against our will to live over here in the US maybe with the exception of being diagnosed with less than 6 months to live.

Everyday I'm praying that maybe I come down with some terminal illness and have less than 6 months. I think that would be the best ending for me.

I'm so sorry to hear that *hug*

Here in Canada, we now have the ability to apply even if death is not imminent, but it's harder in this case because a specialist in particular (not just any other physician) has to support the euthanasia as well. That's going to be my biggest barrier, because there are no specialists when it comes to noxacusis... the vast majority of doctors haven't even heard about it & what they know about hyperacusis centres on central gain, CBT, & sound therapy (which as you may know can drastically worsen someone, especially if they have noxacusis). But I'm going to do my best, & keep trying if need be. I don't believe anyone should have to suffer against their will. I would fight if it were just the tinnitus and I had some relatively mild sound sensitivity, or at least if my living & life situation were different, but the way things stand, it just doesn't make sense.

I sincerely hope you find some relief, one way or another. I so wish I could take away the suffering of all of us here. Sending much love & support!

 

[JimmyStrong]

I started the process of applying for euthanasia today... it's been a long time coming. Feeling both anxious & relieved at the same time, & just letting the tears flow.

How old are you and how severe is your tinnitus?

 

[scared8]

I'm freaking out right now guys. I STUPIDLY stopped my anxiety meds abruptly (had withdrawal symptoms), and I'm worried it's the explanation for why my hyperacusis/tinnitus got seemingly worse out of nowhere.

Just read that stopping meds can cause tinnitus (the opposite happens in some cases too). I panicked because I read they could be ototoxic which is why I stopped. Who does that?! I should have talked to a doctor first but scared of phone calls/office visits.

I still can't believe I did it. Does anyone know if this would explain the worsening? I never used to have nerve pain/sensitivity before and my loudness hyperacusis went up too. One night I didn't feel well, my heartbeat was off, and I started getting nauseous.

TIRED OF MAKING STUPID DECISIONS, USUALLY BASED ON FEAR. Sometimes I feel like I'm too deep to come back up.

Apologies for rant and please judge me bc I deserve it.

 

[dan]

I'm so sorry to hear that *hug*

Here in Canada, we now have the ability to apply even if death is not imminent, but it's harder in this case because a specialist in particular (not just any other physician) has to support the euthanasia as well. That's going to be my biggest barrier, because there are no specialists when it comes to noxacusis... the vast majority of doctors haven't even heard about it & what they know about hyperacusis centres on central gain, CBT, & sound therapy (which as you may know can drastically worsen someone, especially if they have noxacusis). But I'm going to do my best, & keep trying if need be. I don't believe anyone should have to suffer against their will. I would fight if it were just the tinnitus and I had some relatively mild sound sensitivity, or at least if my living & life situation were different, but the way things stand, it just doesn't make sense.

I sincerely hope you find some relief, one way or another. I so wish I could take away the suffering of all of us here. Sending much love & support!

Whereabouts are you in Canada? I'm in Ontario.