Suicidal

[Star64]

I simply can't stop them now, even though I want to. After five attempts, with this last one ending in me falling apart, I am now on them for the rest of my life. But as I get older I may become susceptible to more and more of their side effects.

If I could go back in time I would never have gone on them as I generally hate drugs. Biggest mistake of my life. Any drug that alters or affects brain chemistry is going to cause problems somewhere down the line. I honestly feel antidepressants should be banned for all but the most serious cases.

A lot of us on Tinnitus Talk probably would love to turn the clock back, I fully understand this comment, I often find myself thinking or saying it out aloud. Unfortunately psyche drugs are known as the big guns for a reason, they can help, but they can also hinder.

All these drugs should be administered with informed consent, so consumers know the risks.

 

[PeteJ]

I hope Pete was just using this line as an expression out of his frustration, as many people have said this without even giving it a second thought as to what they have said, let alone consider actually doing such a thing.

I have witnessed a person trying to take their own life this way, they did not succeed and were very badly injured with many broken bones.

They did heal, however, the trauma they caused the driver of the car mentally, will probably be with them for the rest of their life.

That's why I said if I knew I would be an immediate goner.

That's how bad my tinnitus is.

I was actually hit by a car once before I had tinnitus. I had the right of way walking at an intersection as the walking signal was on. I have no idea what the driver was thinking but the person drove in to me. My upper body landed on the hood and I looked at the person through the windshield partly in shock and partly in furious amazement. They didn't do anything. The person just stopped the car.

Anyway, I kept walking. I think I was a bit sore and started feeling mad that they could be so stupid.

That was when I was normal and didn't have tinnitus. Now, I would welcome that to happen as long as I wasn't injured but killed immediately. I don't want to suffer with this anymore.

 

[PeteJ]

I have 9 or 10 severe tinnitus at present, it never stops, it changes tones and some I can cope with better than others but it is severe...

I also have left ear pain, and rhythmic clicking continuously in this ear too. I feel my brain quivering in my skull, I have wake sleep seizure activity several times per night, my skin burns, I have inner vibrations like a car idling rough, I have intermittent hyperacusis, muscle twitches, muscle pain, bladder pain plus to many other symptoms to list.

I got all these things from taking a drug that was helping my tinnitus for awhile, that is until it turned on me.
I also have hearing loss in both ears, moderate in my left... I truly feel for you Pete,

I am not telling you all this to say look at me, I am suffering worse than you, but to rather let you know the good people on Tinnitus Talk do care, I would not be here today with all this going on if I did not have the support and friendship from people who understand what it is like to be struggling with tinnitus and especially those that have came out the other side of benzo withdrawal.

Please listen to @fishbone and all the other kind people who are trying to help you. I understand your frustration as presently there is no cure for tinnitus, it is F##cked condition to have, but the majority of people on here do care.

Yeah, but in reality, there is no real help when it's this bad. The doctors don't care and just send you away. They can't do anything. All I ask for is to not make me suffer even more than I am. I can't work now because of this.

I want to die so bad. I think I need a proper rope or at least I think so. I can't focus or concentrate normally because the tinnitus is so intrusive. Anything I am able to do is surprising and usually with struggle in routine tasks.

It's a nightmare and I am in shock. I consider my life over now and since euthanasia is not allowed, I am forced to do it myself somehow. People are treating me badly because I don't want to live like this. I find people and humans to be hypocrites. People pretend to be empathic but they really aren't.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Yeah, but in reality, there is no real help when it's this bad. The doctors don't care and just send you away. They can't do anything. All I ask for is to not make me suffer even more than I am. I can't work now because of this.

I want to die so bad. I think I need a proper rope or at least I think so. I can't focus or concentrate normally because the tinnitus is so intrusive. Anything I am able to do is surprising and usually with struggle in routine tasks.

It's a nightmare and I am in shock. I consider my life over now and since euthanasia is not allowed, I am forced to do it myself somehow. People are treating me badly because I don't want to live like this. I find people and humans to be hypocrites. People pretend to be empathic but they really aren't.

I thought GregSacramento gave you some excellent advice about the mouth guard. He suffers beyond belief, and also is really smart about medical matters. We care for you buddy, otherwise we wouldn't write and encourage you to keep pushing forward. I would take Greg's advice, his knowledge is amazing, and he seemed pretty certain a lot of your symptoms are coming from your jaw.

I hope you can pursue his advice, I believe it would really helpful. I will continue to encourage you to pursue support, solutions you haven't tried, and to keep fighting. So on that note... massive bear hug to you and lots of sincere empathy and sympathy. I am not giving up on me, and I am not giving up on you.

 

[fishbone]

I am not telling you all this to say look at me, I am suffering worse than you, but to rather let you know the good people on Tinnitus Talk do care.

Excellent point. All of us are suffering, life is not a walk in the park or an easy one. ALL OF US need strength, inspiration, motivation DAILY to take those baby steps. I am a big believer in reading other people's stories for inspiration and reading about their lives. Inspiration is the most important thing, it can drive us when we feel like there is no hope.

@Greg Sacramento his stories are very humbling and I can relate to quite a few of them. I know the pain this man goes through and I go through them with him. He has tinnitus, but his physical pains are on ANOTHER level. Although I am in daily pain myself, I still can learn from his posts.

Some of the messages/posts on this site are pure GOLD. I would give my life, to have been here 31 years ago and some experienced veterans/mentors could have guided me on what to do or not to do. On how our outlook could improve with tinnitus.

There are lots of good advice here, don't take them for granted.

 

[dan]

I am trying to watch tv but the tinnitus is too loud. Does that mean the tinnitus is at least 60 dB?

Yes, and mine too. I think over 60db tinnitus puts it in the severe category.

. I can't work now because of this.

Get on disability.
Tell them you have severe tinnitus plus severe hyperacusis, because tinnitus isn't recognized as a disability in Canada.

 

[emmalee]

I have 9 or 10 severe tinnitus at present, it never stops, it changes tones and some I can cope with better than others but it is severe...

I also have left ear pain, and rhythmic clicking continuously in this ear too. I feel my brain quivering in my skull, I have wake sleep seizure activity several times per night, my skin burns, I have inner vibrations like a car idling rough, I have intermittent hyperacusis, muscle twitches, muscle pain, bladder pain plus to many other symptoms to list.

You do not deserve to suffer like this, Star. I wish there was something I could say or do. Please stay strong, you have all of our support, here.

 

[dan]

I am just interested in a reliable and successful method to off myself.

I had enough suffering and lost all hope.

.45

 

[PeteJ]

Yes, and mine too. I think over 60db tinnitus puts it in the severe category.

Get on disability.
Tell them you have severe tinnitus plus severe hyperacusis, because tinnitus isn't recognized as a disability in Canada.

Disability process takes, on average, one to two years in Canada. I was also told to anticipate an inevitable rejection and then have to appeal. I know tinnitus isn't recognized as a disability in Canada but why "tell them that I have severe tinnitus" then? I did anyway but I explained that it makes me extremely depressed and I have anxiety from it. I explained how I can't function. They will only care about psychological issues. I suppose that is what you meant to advise I try to explain?

It still takes at least a year and I can't wait that long in this position.

 

[dan]

Disability process takes, on average, one to two years in Canada. I was also told to anticipate an inevitable rejection and then have to appeal. I know tinnitus isn't recognized as a disability in Canada but why "tell them that I have severe tinnitus" then? I did anyway but I explained that it makes me extremely depressed and I have anxiety from it. I explained how I can't function. They will only care about psychological issues. I suppose that is what you meant to advise I try to explain?

It still takes at least a year and I can't wait that long in this position.

Yes, but also throw in severe hyperacusis and that you have to walk around with huge earmufs everywhere... adds more drama...

 

[PeteJ]

If I may, all to gain, these are my answers to your three questions.

1) No, to me it isn't worth taking one's life due to tinnitus. Tinnitus may fade in the coming months for you, it has for many, not all perhaps, but again, for many it has.

2) What if it doesn't become these things? What if your life does indeed improve with the passage of time?

3) I believe so. Those you leave behind will suffer, even greater maybe. Those left behind may even blame themselves and this is quite possibly even worse, in my very humble opinion.

Says you. So people should just suffer infinitely waiting? For what? So you can feel good about yourself?

I know a few people who really advocate this "might fade" concept but I haven't noticed or found any evidence. Also, this thread is mostly involving people who have severe tinnitus and extremely loud tinnitus.

What is the possibility, probability and chances of tinnitus like this fading? How would this fading even be explained? How would the medical establishment who have a clue about the medical phenomenon that is tinnitus explain how and why it fades?

I know that this is a negative perspective and reaction (to your post) but if someone urges me to 'go on' based on what possible changes might happen, I don't want to be manipulated on something that is unknown or at worst, improbable.

Sorry, but with 9/10 or 10/10 severity, and other health problems, saying "it might fade" is not good enough especially when there is virtually no evidence it happens and nothing suggesting it's likely to happen to us (i.e. those with loud/severe tinnitus).

Again, sorry about my negativity and pessimism.

 

[Bartoli]

am trying to watch tv but the tinnitus is too loud. Does that mean the tinnitus is at least 60 dB?
It always seems extra loud in the evening.

I find evenings worse too. Don't know if it's the brain that needs rest or just because there's less noise around.

Don't try to measure your tinnitus in dB. It's good for nothing. But to answer your question: Hearing it when the TV is on doesn't mean it's 60 dB. If you breathe in it out, you're probably able to hear that too while watching TV yet it's nowhere near 60 dB. That being said, I rarely watch TV because I have problems focusing on the TV. But when something interesting's on for some reason it's less of a problem. Go figure.

 

[acute]

.45

Not in Europe.

 

[emmalee]

Says you. So people should just suffer infinitely waiting? For what? So you can feel good about yourself?

With the utmost respect, Pete, I was answering the questions asked by @all to gain. Yes, this is what I have to say, it is how I truly feel. My own tinnitus is plenty bad, but that is for another thread, some day.

Again, sorry about my negativity and pessimism.

No apologies needed, at all. You are suffering and I empathize. I wish I had the answer/answers you are searching for.

 

[fishbone]

My own tinnitus is plenty bad, but that is for another thread, some day.

I remember your first thread, just like it was yesterday.Be VERY proud of yourself and how far you have come.

 

[emmalee]

I remember your first thread, just like it was yesterday.Be VERY proud of yourself and how far you have come.

Fishbone, you are the best, thank you.

I don't want to come off to Pete as unfeeling, it's just that two of my good friends here are suffering, even more than usual and I wish I could do something to help them. You know all of this only too well. I wish you a peaceful day, fishbone.

 

[PeteJ]

My right ear has some pain. From nowhere?!?

I put air in a tire. It wasn't loud but the air pressure made a noise when you connect the nozzle to the tire. I hope that didn't do anything. I was mad at myself because I was going to use my muffs. I can't even do normal things because I have fucked up ears?!? The pain only started 10 minutes ago and I put the air in the tire three hours ago.

My right ear is the problem right now which is rare.

Hate life. :-(

 

[PeteJ]

MY EAR HURTS! SO TIRED OF THIS! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!? I WILL KILL MYSELF BECAUSE OF EAR PAIN BECAUSE I CANNOT TAKE BOTH TINNITUS AND EAR PAIN!

I don't even know why my right ear hurts. Is this hyperacusis because I thought that is when you know it's from any noises and you can link ot right away? This pain comes on suddenly and hurts for an indefinite period of time.

It's mostly my left ear but now my right ear hurts! This is not from clenching. I hate this fucking life so much.

 

[ajc]

I WILL KILL MYSELF

Dude, have you got any idea, nobody takes your threats seriously anymore.

Just stop saying you're gonna kill yourself, you are not.

Listen to the advice you are given! You are disabled, your life will never be normal again, but you can try to make the best out of it...

It bothers me how you think you are somehow more special with your issues than others, like you have it worst... you are kind of arrogant and narcissistic.

But I still hope you habituate to it all.

 

[PeteJ]

Dude, have you got any idea, nobody takes your threats seriously anymore.

Just stop saying you're gonna kill yourself, you are not.

Listen to the advice you are given! You are disabled, your life will never be normal again, but you can try to make the best out of it...

It bothers me how you think you are somehow more special with your issues than others, like you have it worst... you are kind of arrogant and narcissistic.

But I still hope you habituate to it all.

Don't reply to me. Thanks.

 

[dan]

like you have it worst... you are kind of arrogant and narcissistic.

No he's just mighty suffering, like I am.

 

[Star64]

Yeah, but in reality, there is no real help when it's this bad. The doctors don't care and just send you away. They can't do anything. All I ask for is to not make me suffer even more than I am. I can't work now because of this.

I want to die so bad. I think I need a proper rope or at least I think so. I can't focus or concentrate normally because the tinnitus is so intrusive. Anything I am able to do is surprising and usually with struggle in routine tasks.

It's a nightmare and I am in shock. I consider my life over now and since euthanasia is not allowed, I am forced to do it myself somehow. People are treating me badly because I don't want to live like this. I find people and humans to be hypocrites. People pretend to be empathic but they really aren't.

People on here are trying to help you Pete, I have seen a couple of posts from perhaps two people that have probably been not sympathetic to your struggle, but I think some people may react to your posts because they find them a tad insulting.

For instance you state you find people and humans to be hypocrites and that people pretend to be empathetic but they really aren't.

How can this be true, when I have read that people have sent you items in the mail, I have seen people posting asking you to pm them and they would give you their contact number so you could call and speak with them directly.

People would not be doing this for fun, I am sure they have their own struggles yet a thing called HUMANITY sees them set all their own struggles aside to TRY AND HELP YOU....

I know you are hurting Pete, and sometimes anger due to our struggle with this condition will have us say things that hurt others, tinnitus will bring the worst out in all of us at times, but what do you want people to say, nobody here has the cure for tinnitus, yet everyone is willing to give some advice that may help. We are all in the same boat, we are listening to you and fully understand your frustration, this condition is HELL to live with.

And I am really sorry for everybody, that is suffering right now.

 

[Harley]

I switched to "survival mode" - which means i live everysecond to survive and not to achieve and not to be happy but to survive.

I have been in this survival mode for past 3 years.
The problem is, that at some point we will run out of time, as human beings were not programmed to "live" like this indefinitelly.

The whole point of life itself is to enjoy it, not suffer through it.
If there are real treatments coming soon, it is worth waiting for them.

But it is a race against time, since I personally consider Tinnitus on this level to be a medical emergency.
Many of us will not make it, because the help might come too late.

 

[all to gain]

Your doctor needs to know clearly that you are serious about committing suicide. When you speak like this, doctors are scared and would definitely have an obligation to support you. Anyways, you are indeed only saying the truth.

When i told my GP that I was suicidal because of tinnitus he said, "What's stopping you?". I said, "My children".
END OF CONVERSATION. No talk of counselling or other support even though I told him I was disabled by it.
It seems my GP was more scared about his own reputation and being blamed for causing a person a disability than about me the patient.

 

[OnceUponaTime]

The other one said I can prescribe you Clonazepam, WTF, that is what has made my tinnitus worse, did he not read my referral. I try and stay right away from doctors now.

I didnt know Clonazepam made your tinnitus worst, Star. How long were you on it?

 

[OnceUponaTime]

I am trying to watch tv but the tinnitus is too loud. Does that mean the tinnitus is at least 60 dB?

I always hear my tinnitus over the tv. I am not sure if this means that it is 60db.

Does anyone here have 9/10 or 10/10 in terms of loudness and severity?

There's a lot of people here on TinnitusTalk that live with severe tinnitus. You need to try different things, therapies, approaches, learn something new, find a new hobby... find your own way of coping. It doesn't mean that the tinnitus will go away, but that you can deal with it a little better, one day at a time. We are here for you and we understand. Yesterday I had an awful day with my head vibrating. I just stayed in bed for most of the day watching movies and eating comfort food. (some therapy uh... hehe) Today, I feel a little better (at least I am out of my pjs! haha.)

May I ask, what do you do for a living or what do you do all day while at home? You do not need to answer this and I will not be offended if you don't. I only ask because if you are doing very little and just sitting there listening to your tinnitus, that is not healthy... no good.

Hang in there.
Sending you a hug and saying a prayer for you.
Once

 

[OnceUponaTime]

"My children".

That's more than enough reasons to stay around.
Love is sacrifice, Atg, and you love your children and they love you and need you.
Hang in there.

 

[all to gain]

That's more than enough reasons to stay around.
Love is sacrifice, Atg, and you love your children and they love you and need you.
Hang in there.

View attachment 32703

View attachment 32704

I'm finding it hard. I have a lot of responsibility, i.e. 5 people to support, but every morning I wake up I think it's my last. Don't get me wrong, I love life, and I don't want to die, but the life I knew has been devastated by this to such a degree that I now hate my life and am only hanging on due to not wanting to hurt others.

I just feel gutted by the way I got tinnitus, i.e. I asked all the right questions... but I got all the wrong answers. I'm still in shock 4-5 months after the fact. I just can't deal with the very real reality of it all, but somehow I have to.

 

[PeteJ]

People on here are trying to help you Pete, I have seen a couple of posts from perhaps two people that have probably been not sympathetic to your struggle, but I think some people may react to your posts because they find them a tad insulting.

For instance you state you find people and humans to be hypocrites and that people pretend to be empathetic but they really aren't.

How can this be true, when I have read that people have sent you items in the mail, I have seen people posting asking you to pm them and they would give you their contact number so you could call and speak with them directly.

People would not be doing this for fun, I am sure they have their own struggles yet a thing called HUMANITY sees them set all their own struggles aside to TRY AND HELP YOU....

I know you are hurting Pete, and sometimes anger due to our struggle with this condition will have us say things that hurt others, tinnitus will bring the worst out in all of us at times, but what do you want people to say, nobody here has the cure for tinnitus, yet everyone is willing to give some advice that may help. We are all in the same boat, we are listening to you and fully understand your frustration, this condition is HELL to live with.

And I am really sorry for everybody, that is suffering right now.

I meant when I tell people in real life.

I can't be the only person here who has had that experience.

 

[GoatSheep]

I meant when I tell people in real life.

I can't be the only person here who has had that experience.

you aren't. Nobody in my family is sympathetic. They think I need to just pull it together.