Suicidal

[Shizune]

It really sucks.

Some people die in their mothers' wombs before they are even born.

There's no meaning or sense to this life. At the end of the day it's all worthless anyway, 200 years from now we're a distant memory.

It's confusing how we are wired in such a way that we want to preserve our shitty lives as long as possible.

Haha, I know I sure did. I've been this way for the last 18 years of my life. But now I have a legit reason to feel that way.

I'm not as nihilistic about life, even though yes in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters. But what really gets me is that society is so life obsessed. Live live live. You have the right to live (depends), but no right to die. At least, in the US. I know it's much more complicated than that but I just find this obsession with trying to keep people alive who are in pain or have zero quality of life.

I know this topic is a bit controversial though.

 

[Bartoli]

Reading your post breaks my broken heart.

I wish I could help everyone here.

You are such a kind and beautiful person and I know you are in hell. Myself and everyone here loves and appreciates you. That doesn't change anything but it's important to say as it's what we can do for each other.

When this virus shit blows over and people can travel again, you can come and squat out at and chill at my place. You are most welcome and so are your kids.

Praying for you and everebody who finds themselves posting on this thread.
Love and hugs...

@Daniel Lion is Tinnitus Talk's OG Good Guy.

 

[weab00]

Haha, I know I sure did. I've been this way for the last 18 years of my life. But now I have a legit reason to feel that way.

Yeah lol I had no real reason to be depressed or anxious before hyperacusis.

 

[twa]

I'm sorry. Have you tried all the pharmaceutical routes and chiropractor, specifically NUCCA? I am not sure if you suffered an acute trauma such as myself or have a long history of noise exposure. It makes me furious that all these medical doctors write this condition off as a minor annoyance or something trivial such as having the flu. I have been so angry with one doctor I had to walk out of his office two minutes into the consultation. Being I was ready to knock his teeth out. I'm a pretty calm guy most days but my patience was worn thin when he told me I was over reacting. That tinnitus isn't really anything to worry about. It only can bother you if you let it and I was not being truthful about how much it bothered me. Like I would make the shit up.
I hope you are able to find some help.

I have had an eCoG test done which showed abnormal however I have read the efficacy of this test is absolute shit. The more hearing loss you have the more worthless the test becomes.

Being my hearing loss went from mild to moderately severe in the span of three weeks still makes me think the Meniere's diagnosis is shit. My old coworker who has severe Meniere's has never had the type of pain I am experiencing.

So yesterday I went to the chiro and had my neck adjusted. Within five hours my roaring tinnitus went from a 10/10 to a 2/10 for roughly five hours. Then it went to I'd say a 4/10 around 11 pm. I went to bed at 5 am being I'm trying to sleep on my back to see if it has any effect on the noise. Finally I laid with my bad ear into the pillow which is something I typically cannot do and fell asleep.

When I woke up at 10 am my roaring was back to 10/10 and has been severe all day again. It's very that obviously something is wrong and they aren't doing shit to help. When the tinnitus goes down low I can hear very quiet things.

Hopefully I will find something soon.

I have asked about perilymph fistula and was told it couldn't be that by three out of four ENT doctors. I also have never had any type of balance testing done at all. Maybe the doctors in metro Detroit are just not worth a shit. I did have a neuromuscular dentist do a CT scan of my jaw and he told my TMJ is fine but there is inflammation behind the joint directly in front of the ear. I told my current doctor this and he blew it off and said nope, that wouldn't cause any problems. I guess my luck in general just fucking sucks.

That is so awesome that you had some relief for a few hours! You know it is possible! I'll keep praying for you that there is a solution.

twa

 

[twa]

I'm going to go and visit a neurologist and see if he has anything to add. I'm done wasting time with ENT doctors and their foolish nonsense. I'm praying he can do some scans and find what is causing this. Obviously something is compressed or pinched being the noise goes from extreme to mild in a 15 minute adjustment.

Yes I agree, ENTs are not for us. They are good for prescribing antibiotics for a respiratory infection.

 

[__nico__]

God damn. You know the funniest thing about this is if I just had normal hyperacusis or literally any level of tinnitus I wouldn't even have a reason to browse this forum. I can live with any level of tinnitus and not care. Even mild hyperacusis, ok. I've had tinnitus so loud, I would drive 80 mph on the interstate and my tinnitus would be so loud I couldn't even hear the road noise underneath it. I don't have that anymore thankfully.

But the only reason why I hopelessly browse through Tinnitus Talk is because of sound distortions, music was the greatest love of my life and it's just gone. I've never thought about suicide seriously until this happened and I've been through so much torture in my life already. Nothing is ever going to get better and each day I'm closer and closer to drugging myself to death.

 

[FGG]

God damn. You know the funniest thing about this is if I just had normal hyperacusis or literally any level of tinnitus I wouldn't even have a reason to browse this forum. I can live with any level of tinnitus and not care. Even mild hyperacusis, ok. I've had tinnitus so loud, I would drive 80 mph on the interstate and my tinnitus would be so loud I couldn't even hear the road noise underneath it. I don't have that anymore thankfully.

But the only reason why I hopelessly browse through Tinnitus Talk is because of sound distortions, music was the greatest love of my life and it's just gone. I've never thought about suicide seriously until this happened and I've been through so much torture in my life already. Nothing is ever going to get better and each day I'm closer and closer to drugging myself to death.

I heavily relate to this.

I have had severe nerve pain, vertigo episodes that lasted up to 48 hours of full rotational vertigo. Have lost a fiance 20 years ago to death and my (now ex) husband left me after my hearing issues after being extremely cruel about it.

I have tinnitus currently. It's moderate but initially it was much more severe but nothing makes me felt like dying until I lost music.

It's a scar that will literally never heal for me. It may sound superficial to some but it was my joy in life. It allowed me to deal with all of my other bad lots.

 

[GBB]

God damn. You know the funniest thing about this is if I just had normal hyperacusis or literally any level of tinnitus I wouldn't even have a reason to browse this forum. I can live with any level of tinnitus and not care. Even mild hyperacusis, ok. I've had tinnitus so loud, I would drive 80 mph on the interstate and my tinnitus would be so loud I couldn't even hear the road noise underneath it. I don't have that anymore thankfully.

But the only reason why I hopelessly browse through Tinnitus Talk is because of sound distortions, music was the greatest love of my life and it's just gone. I've never thought about suicide seriously until this happened and I've been through so much torture in my life already. Nothing is ever going to get better and each day I'm closer and closer to drugging myself to death.

Wouldn't tinnitus so loud you can't hear the road also ruin music?

 

[__nico__]

Wouldn't tinnitus so loud you can't hear the road also ruin music?

Not a problem as I can just crank the music even louder and still hear at least some of it. Now music doesn't even sound like music to me.

 

[Pulsing Ear]

That low frequency sound you had for a short time. Try having that sound all day, everyday at volume levels so loud you cannot mask it with anything. No white noise, no fans, nothing. This is my life for the last six months. The first six were bad. This is unreal. I have to eat antidepressants and benzos just to get out of bed during the day. Career gone, nice financed vehicle gone, sanity gone. The human mind can only take so much.

It sounds like you have other serious health issues and I'm sorry. I would do what you need to do to not contract low frequency tinnitus. The high frequency ringing is annoying as you know. I laugh a bit when people on this forum are freaking out over not being able to listen to the Foo Fighters on the iPod. Cry me a fucking river. When this low frequency shit gets loud it's like a nightmare you cannot wake up from. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

If your MEM is like my doctor suspects mine might be, I read that you can have surgery. They go in and sever one of those muscles that is contracting to stop the problem. They report that the success rate is very high on that procedure. You are still young too, so it shouldn't be a very dangerous surgery I hope.

Yours must not be MEM? When I woke up today, mine has subsided mostly.

 

[GBB]

Not a problem as I can just crank the music even louder and still hear at least some of it. Now music doesn't even sound like music to me.

Ah sorry to hear that :/

 

[Pulsing Ear]

Ear drum spasming prevents me from sleeping. It loves to go off right as I'm about to nod off. Don't know why this is a thing. It's like my body wants to do everything in its power to prevent me from being healthy. And on top of that, oh can't eat this food or that food because oh this has salicylates, this is ototoxic, that is ototoxic. Can't exercise because pulsatile tinnitus. Can't go as hard or heavy as I used to. I hate the slow stuff.

Normie daytimer sleep schedule? That would be cool, but me doing anything semi-productive during the day may cause a spike. Oh, and light hurts me now too. Vampire sleep schedule? That's been my play for awhile now, except trying to get to sleep with loud cars going outside is hard.

If I'm not experiencing this problem it's another problem. Right now, it's TTTS, in my right ear again, exploding head, and random worsening out of nowhere. Exploding head SUCKS. I've never, after experiencing several traumatic incidents over my lifetime, experienced exploding head. But sure, medical professionals. It's all STRESS and ANXIETY. Let's keep that in the books.

I miss being healthy and productive. The things I used to do that *were* healthy and productive are now off-limits. I feel like I'm 27 going on 77. I don't give a crap about partying or doing young person things but it would be nice to wake up and not feel like I'm at the end of my life rather than the "prime" of it.

I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to strategize everything I do in life to prevent something from happening. Something that, either way, still ends up happening regardless. I'm tired of trying to unravel this grand web of conspiracy and BS that hyperacusis is. Being a hermit and not listening to music isn't even enough, apparently. But I'm scared if I attempt to take off the training wheels (plugs) I'll just get worse. I've gotten nothing but worse no matter what I do.

Disjointed rant, my apologies.

I have a similar experience with you because of my heart problem. I can no longer enjoy any alcoholic beverages, and I really enjoyed white wine. We took a family trip to Italy and I only had 2 glasses of wine the whole time. That sucked. Alcohol triggers heart arrhythmias in me and if it gets bad enough I end up in the ER. That happened 2x. I had to give it up. Salty food or eating too much in a sitting can do it too. It really does sucks being young and not able to do the things most normal people do. I like taking my car to the track and driving it as hard as I can, but in the back of my mind I'm worried I will have heart trouble doing it. Heck, I got too worked up playing computer games 2x now, my defibrillator had to fire off to save my life.

You just have to take one day at a time and try to plan things that will give you enjoyment to get your mind off the problem. When I'm having fun I usually forget the ringing in my ears and my heart problem. This COVID-19 has made it really hard on so many of us because we don't get out like we used to. Once the virus has been beaten, we can enjoy life a lot more.

 

[Pulsing Ear]

Yes I agree, ENTs are not for us. They are good for prescribing antibiotics for a respiratory infection.

So is a neurologist the best to see? My father in law is a retired neurologist from the Cleveland Clinic network. I mentioned my ear vibrations to him in an email. He is the one that suggested it could be the beta blocker.

 

[Pulsing Ear]

God damn. You know the funniest thing about this is if I just had normal hyperacusis or literally any level of tinnitus I wouldn't even have a reason to browse this forum. I can live with any level of tinnitus and not care. Even mild hyperacusis, ok. I've had tinnitus so loud, I would drive 80 mph on the interstate and my tinnitus would be so loud I couldn't even hear the road noise underneath it. I don't have that anymore thankfully.

But the only reason why I hopelessly browse through Tinnitus Talk is because of sound distortions, music was the greatest love of my life and it's just gone. I've never thought about suicide seriously until this happened and I've been through so much torture in my life already. Nothing is ever going to get better and each day I'm closer and closer to drugging myself to death.

Man, I can understand your sadness at not being able to hear music the way it was recorded. I'm a stereophile and have a decent audio set up in my home with Martin Logan Prodigy speakers. I love how they sound so realistic. I'd not want to say goodbye to that.

What happens to music and other sounds when you hear it? Right now I just have the high pitched ringing I've had for over 30 years and I can handle that. I've also got the thumping sound now that comes and goes in my left ear. Feels like I have a bug in there crawling around. Horrible.

 

[__nico__]

Man, I can understand your sadness at not being able to hear music the way it was recorded. I'm a stereophile and have a decent audio set up in my home with Martin Logan Prodigy speakers. I love how they sound so realistic. I'd not want to say goodbye to that.

What happens to music and other sounds when you hear it? Right now I just have the high pitched ringing I've had for over 30 years and I can handle that. I've also got the thumping sound now that comes and goes in my left ear. Feels like I have a bug in there crawling around. Horrible.

For a while I had extremely bad diplacusis. Which means that I stopped perceiving pitches correctly. I don't know if you are a musician but essentially things sounded either very sharp or very flat and sometimes certain instruments would be completely inaudible except for a few notes. There would also be like a modulated sine wave on top of this that would come from the source of sound. That went away but now music still just sounds like aimless noise to me. You are a stereophile so I am sure you are aware of what clipping is, all music sounds like severe clipping to me, all of the high frequencies are merged into a singular blob of sound that is very whistly and whooshy.

 

[twa]

For a while I had extremely bad diplacusis. Which means that I stopped perceiving pitches correctly. I don't know if you are a musician but essentially things sounded either very sharp or very flat and sometimes certain instruments would be completely inaudible except for a few notes. There would also be like a modulated sine wave on top of this that would come from the source of sound. That went away but now music still just sounds like aimless noise to me. You are a stereophile so I am sure you are aware of what clipping is, all music sounds like severe clipping to me, all of the high frequencies are merged into a singular blob of sound that is very whistly and whooshy.

Hi,

There is another member @Tom Cnyc. He has been in a band since his teens. He had an acoustic trauma and recovered. It might help to talk to another musician like him.

twa

 

[twa]

So is a neurologist the best to see? My father in law is a retired neurologist from the Cleveland Clinic network. I mentioned my ear vibrations to him in an email. He is the one that suggested it could be the beta blocker.

Yes, a neuro-otologist, specializes in the ear/brain. ENTs are really not very well trained to deal with what we have. The first ENT I went to didn't even tell me that I had had an acoustic trauma. I found out almost 6 weeks later.

 

[__nico__]

Hi,

There is another member @Tom Cnyc. He has been in a band since his teens. He had an acoustic trauma and recovered. It might help to talk to another musician like him.

twa

Tom is no longer active. His story is similar to me though less severe. What's striking is the fact that he had a "feedback" response to a particular note just like I did when I was suffering from diplacusis. Thank God that went away but music is still far from sounding like music and at any rate I will have to drastically change my lifestyle.

 

[Shizune]

@Pulsing Ear,

I'm actually really thankful for COVID-19 right now, as screwed up as it sounds. Before I got tinnitus & hyperacusis I was enjoying the lockdown. I'm kind of a homebody by nature anyway. But I still would go out for drives and stuff and enjoy the emptiness of the world.

Now I can't even do that. Going outside at all is a risk. When the world returns to normal I still won't be able to do anything. Having hyperacusis is kind of my lockdown by default.

My friends will get back to traveling and hanging out but I'll be stuck in hospice care. In fact, I extra won't because too many people will be out and about. Even during COVID-19 I'd have surprise noise insults in low populated areas with not many people around. I have very bad luck.

 

[GoatSheep]

Tom is no longer active.

He just posted last month. He doesn't post often, but if you message him he is likely to respond. I know I get email notifications when I receive a message.

 

[__nico__]

He just posted last month. He doesn't post often, but if you message him he is likely to respond. I know I get email notifications when I receive a message.

I messaged him weeks ago and have yet to get a response.

 

[twa]

Tom is no longer active. His story is similar to me though less severe. What's striking is the fact that he had a "feedback" response to a particular note just like I did when I was suffering from diplacusis. Thank God that went away but music is still far from sounding like music and at any rate I will have to drastically change my lifestyle.

He may not be active, but I talk to him from time to time. I use the message or conversation feature. I hope you start to see improvement soon.

Seriously. Anyone who raises kids with a severe version of one of these disorders is nothing short of incredible.

It's not easy, especially if they are loud and you have hyperacusis.

 

[Croaker]

I'm actually really thankful for COVID-19 right now, as screwed up as it sounds.

Same. I developed hyperacusis pretty soon after being laid off early this year. If the virus hadn't happened I would have had to quit and therefore be ineligible for unemployment benefits. My parents are supportive but they aren't getting any younger.

 

[dan]

Can you hear your tinnitus clearly and kind of loudly over everyday noises? Like you don't have to look for it to hear it over everything? It's like in your face?

Well I will answer for myself, yes it's like in my face 24/7. When I'm outside I hear it as if I'm indoors - a screechy sound, drill, saw, whatever you want to call it. But indoors in a quiet setting I hear a very loud whine as well, which I developed since last year's noise trauma.

I might also add that my old high pitch tinnitus was always heard outside but more mellowy kind of not as intrusive and I had my life back 85%... I am in living hell right now, having also gotten hyperacusis again, my life is now at zero.

Tinnitus can get worse, that's for sure.

 

[Shizune]

Sorry I keep posting but does anyone else have people in their lives that wronged them, and they get to live happily ever after and you're stuck like this? It seems like life kicks my ass constantly and rewards everyone else. And I hate it.

 

[Shizune]

Same. I developed hyperacusis pretty soon after being laid off early this year. If the virus hadn't happened I would have had to quit and therefore be ineligible for unemployment benefits. My parents are supportive but they aren't getting any younger.

My place of employment had JUST opened back up before I got hyperacusis. After my accident I had breathing issues and it was affecting my work. A guest (I worked at a hotel) reported my breathing issues and was afraid I had COVID-19 so I essentially got laid off. I had been planning to put my 2 weeks to figure out what was up but they hadn't even gone by.

Not a peep from my boss 6 months later about being eligible for anything. Now I have to have a friend take care of me and I'm just living off my savings. My parents were supporting me but same deal, not getting any younger. It sucks. But I am thankful we have an excuse to stay indoors.

 

[Pulsing Ear]

Sorry I keep posting but does anyone else have people in their lives that wronged them, and they get to live happily ever after and you're stuck like this? It seems like life kicks my ass constantly and rewards everyone else. And I hate it.

I know people that live an unhealthy lifestyle and yet they are much more healthy than me. I've got a close friend that smoke 3 packs a day and is healthy as a horse. It's frustrating.

 

[Zugzug]

Sorry I keep posting but does anyone else have people in their lives that wronged them, and they get to live happily ever after and you're stuck like this? It seems like life kicks my ass constantly and rewards everyone else. And I hate it.

Sorry to say, but this kind of thing is one of the reasons why I'm not religious (among other reasons).

 

[Shizune]

Sorry to say, but this kind of thing is one of the reasons why I'm not religious (among other reasons).

Same. I absolutely do not believe in karma either.

 

[Shizune]

I know people that live an unhealthy lifestyle and yet they are much more healthy than me. I've got a close friend that smoke 3 packs a day and is healthy as a horse. It's frustrating.

I always imagined idiots skipping through a minefield and coming out unscathed.. Then the careful ones who plan, overthink, and make all the right moves, take one careful step and get blown up instantly.