Suicidal

[Brian P]

For me, it is.

They're expensive though? I wanted to get those but the price was prohibitive.

Do people who have severe/loud tinnitus work? Can they work? I guess if you have savings?

I just use Mack's earplugs when I go out. They are cheap and work well.

 

[AliasM]

I'm so so sorry to hear of your situation. It's devastating and completely heartbreaking I am considering Pegasos myself and I'm currently saving up for VAD, as an insurance of a peaceful way out. And if things get much worse, Pegasos will be the one I will contact for help. I already emailed them before and they replied that they have helped people with tinnitus and hyperacusis before.

I tried to DIY it and it failed in June. I used exit bag and was hospitalized in inpatient psych.

Pegasos accepts tinnitus as a reason and they speak English. Call them.

Yes, I'm not going to do a DIY job. I have been cleared of any metal health issues but if I try and fail, they won't recognise non terminal physical torture and suffering as separate from mental illness. If I try and fail I could also get worse and not be able to fly myself around the world solo to Switzerland.

DanishGirl, I contacted them months ago and was told the same. I was not satisfied then that I had tried EVERYTHING. There were still things I could try, so the application process was on hold.

I have 4 young kids. I am not sure if we have a personal family meeting, or psychologist mediated meeting to talk this out with my children. So much to work out and my husband just will not speak when I talk to him about it. I am going ahead. I feel satisfied that I have tried everything, and I cannot wait for future and emerging options. My only stones left unturned are psychedelics, which I don't even know how to get hold of. I am also trying to arrange a one on one with Dr. De Ridder to ask if he has any insight into my case. I have reached out to both him and his office several times though with no response.

Thank you. The soothing thought of a dignified death is all that is getting me through the days with this 24/7 audiological hell.

 

[Brian P]

Doesn't Pegasos offer services for psychiatric illnesses only too? I don't understand.

 

[GoatSheep]

I tried to DIY it and it failed in June. I used exit bag and was hospitalized in inpatient psych.

Pegasos accepts tinnitus as a reason and they speak English. Call them.

How did your exit bag fail? I have the supplies gathered for this if I get to an unmanageable point so it failing concerns me.

 

[AliasM]

Doesn't Pegasos offer services for psychiatric illnesses only too? I don't understand.

Sorry I just read over my post and I wasn't clear. I meant that my doctors HERE won't realise that you can want to die, and not be suffering with your mental health at the same time. They're pretty ignorant.

 

[Brian P]

Yes, I'm not going to do a DIY job. I have been cleared of any metal health issues but if I try and fail, they won't recognise non terminal physical torture and suffering as separate from mental illness. If I try and fail I could also get worse and not be able to fly myself around the world solo to Switzerland.

DanishGirl, I contacted them months ago and was told the same. I was not satisfied then that I had tried EVERYTHING. There were still things I could try, so the application process was on hold.

I have 4 young kids. I am not sure if we have a personal family meeting, or psychologist mediated meeting to talk this out with my children. So much to work out and my husband just will not speak when I talk to him about it. I am going ahead. I feel satisfied that I have tried everything, and I cannot wait for future and emerging options. My only stones left unturned are psychedelics, which I don't even know how to get hold of. I am also trying to arrange a one on one with Dr. De Ridder to ask if he has any insight into my case. I have reached out to both him and his office several times though with no response.

Thank you. The soothing thought of a dignified death is all that is getting me through the days with this 24/7 audiological hell.

How did your exit bag fail? I have the supplies gathered for this if I get to an unmanageable point so it failing concerns me.

I bought a nitrogen regulator. Everything was good to go. Put the bag on that I made, let it fill up and started breathing. Passed out about 7 seconds or so later, woke up with the bag off my head and gas flowing. Woke up hypoxic, vomiting, headache, and trails in my vision, but alive. As far as I can tell, no lasting damage. This was in late June. I have not tried this again.

I'm giving life a chance for the time being since this was caused by the COVID-19 vaccine and then Klonopin. There's a small chance it can improve in time.

it may have failed because I had the bag on too tight and didn't allow enough CO2 from my breathing to escape. I am not sure though.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@AliasM, so sorry. It's real important to do almost nothing for eight weeks after getting a blood patch. Little and careful bending, lifting, stretching or twisting. I know that won't be easy and with children.

My friend, it's easy for someone else to do the talk, but I understand. I often think about you since we last had conversations a while ago.

If this blood patch doesn't provide healing, then seek a second patch by the best interventional anesthesiologist you can find.

Hugs to a dear friend.

 

[Clerkp]

I bought a nitrogen regulator. Everything was good to go. Put the bag on that I made, let it fill up and started breathing. Passed out about 7 seconds or so later, woke up with the bag off my head and gas flowing. Woke up hypoxic, vomiting, headache, and trails in my vision, but alive. As far as I can tell, no lasting damage. This was in late June. I have not tried this again.

I'm giving life a chance for the time being since this was caused by the COVID-19 vaccine and then Klonopin. There's a small chance it can improve in time.

it may have failed because I had the bag on too tight and didn't allow enough CO2 from my breathing to escape. I am not sure though.

Jesus man. This is gut wrenching. Please take care of yourself and seek help. I'm not one to pray but I am praying for you. Is there nothing you can do to mask it?

 

[Brian P]

Jesus man. This is gut wrenching. Please take care of yourself and seek help. I'm not one to pray but I am praying for you. Is there nothing you can do to mask it?

My tinnitus is very reactive. It can't be masked. I have hyperacusis too. Nothing can be done and I'm miserable.

 

[Damocles]

Hi. I wonder what your profession is @Damocles?

You write so eloquently.

Hey @Nanny chocolate,

I hate to disappoint you, but after years of unemployment and struggling just to survive my day to day life with tinnitus, I am merely a part-time "licensing administrator"; a job as bland as it sounds, and one I regard as a massive waste of my unhoned talents. So very much a square peg in a round hole situation, or in my case, perhaps, a round peg in a square hole.

Anyway, if you detect a sliver of creativity applied to the creation of my posts, it'll probably be to do with the fact I was an art and linguistics student up to the point I developed severe tinnitus.

I was frequently encouraged to go into science and/or medicine, but anything in those fields usually feels like work and I'm admittedly quite lazy unless the thing I'm doing feels like fun. So to the dismay of many people, I became an arts student.

I'm still laying off the Werther's!

 

[Mnq16]

For a while now my left ear (non tinnitus affected ear funnily enough) vibrates when I talk, accompanied by a constant fullness sensation which varies in severity. It is so distressing and uncomfortable and it is causing me to isolate so I don't have to talk.

I just need some reassurance that I'm not the only one this has happened to and that it won't be here forever as I'm getting dragged deeper and deeper into a dark hole.

Thanks guys.

 

[Suzan Aydin]

The HSP-70 test is basically useless and why almost no doctor goes by it. False positives and false negatives are extremely common.

I doubt you have Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease (I don't think that's what I have). It's quite different from either of our symptoms. It's mostly defined by quick, unilateral (that becomes bilateral) hearing drops. Almost always tinnitus accompanies it and balance problems are fairly common.

Yours seems more in the flavor of mine. My autoimmune issues are probably not related to hair cells, but rather inflammation and receptor sensitization. I wonder if you should at least be worked up with ANA and ENA panels, at minimum. Do you have other systemic symptoms?

Is this really true, my inflammatory markers were fine, circulating complexes were fine. Immunoglobulins were fine, though IgG was borderline. ESR was fine. ABR was fine. Hearing is fine from last check over a year ago, just Eustachian tube dysfunction (my Eustachian tubes are fkd since I was a kid).

only ECoGs showed elevated pressure in inner ear (0.44 and 0.35 below is normal) but SP/AP ratio time was normal.

the HSP-70 has scared me…. I'm thinking damn… I'm gonna go deaf soon?

only symptom really is pulsatile tinnitus that comes and goes (Serc helps), I can stop it by pressing my jugular vein, and sometimes feeling a bit one sided but that's it. I can close my eyes and balance on one leg for 1 minute I was thinking maybe Superior semicircular dehiscence? I think it's called that. I hope it's not autoimmune… I really do… I do feel the lymph node behind my right ear swell and go down frequently though…

 

[Clerkp]

My tinnitus is very reactive. It can't be masked. I have hyperacusis too. Nothing can be done and I'm miserable.

Wishing you well.

 

[Brian P]

I'm so disappointed where my life has ended up. I used to be happy and the life of the party, had lots of friends, a son I loved. I never knew depression. Now I'm sick and miserable and a shell of myself. I just fight through everyday. I never ever thought I'd be researching ways to end a life I loved so much, but here I am. It's a fucking nightmare with no end in sight and the sad thing is the fate we are handed is worse than death. It's truly shameful how life can end in the blink of an eye. I knew once I got that vaccine reaction life was over. I really want to live but not like this. I'm out of work and don't know what to do?

 

[Nanny chocolate]

A round peg in a square hole gives room for manoeuvre!

How could you possibly be a disappointment when you have such a great sense of humour and self-deprecation.

I think you are a sweetie (pun intended) @Damocles.

 

[Exit]

I'm so disappointed where my life has ended up. I used to be happy and the life of the party, had lots of friends, a son I loved. I never knew depression. Now I'm sick and miserable and a shell of myself. I just fight through everyday. I never ever thought I'd be researching ways to end a life I loved so much, but here I am. It's a fucking nightmare with no end in sight and the sad thing is the fate we are handed is worse than death. It's truly shameful how life can end in the blink of an eye. I knew once I got that vaccine reaction life was over. I really want to live but not like this. I'm out of work and don't know what to do?

Just put life on pause and pray vaccine effect will reduce with time...

As you mentioned, it's not completely unthinkable.

 

[Damocles]

A round peg in a square hole gives room for manoeuvre!

Hey! I like that! Now I see why you're a Counselling Therapist (with great analytical skills!).

How could you possibly be a disappointment when you have such a great sense of humour and self-deprecation.

I think you are a sweetie (pun intended) @Damocles.

That is very kind of you to say @Nanny chocolate, although I doubt many people here would share your view, as I believe I am regarded by the majority on this forum as being quite incendiary.

Not that those people will believe me, I'm sure, but I honestly only ever argue with the best intentions of everyone (my tinnitus "family") in mind.

Nice to know a few of you can see that. ♥

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Just put life on pause and pray vaccine effect will reduce with time...

As you mentioned, it's not completely unthinkable.

Yup I truly believe time heals most folks.

 

[AliasM]

@AliasM, so sorry. It's real important to do almost nothing for eight weeks after getting a blood patch. Little and careful bending, lifting, stretching or twisting. I know that won't be easy and with children.

My friend, it's easy for someone else to do the talk, but I understand. I often think about you since we last had conversations a while ago.

If this blood patch doesn't provide healing, then seek a second patch by the best interventional anesthesiologist you can find.

Hugs to a dear friend.

Thank you. I have been doing no bending, lifting, twisting as best I can. I have had very little to do with my kids since this nightmare began. My husband does everything for them.

My symptoms have changed since the blood patch. My head pressure felt good for 1 hour post patch. That is clear sign that I did indeed have intercranial hypotension due to the immediate temponade effect. Sadly it wore off as the blood in the epidural space dispersed and all my symptoms came back. I am 4.5 weeks post patch and I feel like I am in rebound high pressure. That is where, when you have been chronic leaking, your body over produces too much CSF. If you have a full or partial seal, that extra CSF has nowhere to go. My audiological symptoms haven't changed at all though, not one bit. I can handle pain, I can handle being bedridden, I can handle all the scary neurological symptoms that come with ans CSF leak and rebound IIH except for my auditory symptoms. I've read back over posts as far back as 2016 not one person has had a relief of their tinnitus. Most say it got worse with the rebound and I feel a worsening for sure. Most people can tolerate a worsening because their tinnitus wasn't bad to begin with. I was already at threshold and barely hanging on with what I had. The very very few people who did have relief in auditory symptoms experienced this immediately after the blood patch.

My neurosurgeon wants CT myelogram next as he think I'm still leaking. I'm not so sure. I have a feeling the patch sealed me, but I am equally debilitated. I don't care if I'm sealed. If the auditory stuff persists, sealed or not I have no future and I believe the damage is done.

 

[AliasM]

I'm so disappointed where my life has ended up. I used to be happy and the life of the party, had lots of friends, a son I loved. I never knew depression. Now I'm sick and miserable and a shell of myself. I just fight through everyday. I never ever thought I'd be researching ways to end a life I loved so much, but here I am. It's a fucking nightmare with no end in sight and the sad thing is the fate we are handed is worse than death. It's truly shameful how life can end in the blink of an eye. I knew once I got that vaccine reaction life was over. I really want to live but not like this. I'm out of work and don't know what to do?

I understand. I was fit, well, happy, loving life. Just finished paying off our house and were planning a week away. Then, at 8.40am on 22nd August 2020 my life changed in a split second.

My biggest fear was dying before my time and not seeing my kids grow, yet here we are.

I'd say most people in this thread could relate.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@AliasM, maybe neurosurgeon wants a CT myelogram for exam of nerve roots. Outcome repair for damage to nerve roots according to literature is said to help.

Most here would understand.

I have multiple sounds. Hearing loss slopes are off the audiogram. Somatic tinnitus from a totally messed up C spine and aortic vessel pulsatile tinnitus where surgery needed would do me in at my age. All sounds are 10/10 tonight. My mouth pain from non fixable nerve damage is unreal - very severe pain. I can't find a safe pain med. Now blind in left eye. Eye pain is also unreal.

Would hearing aids help you a little?

 

[AliasM]

@AliasM, maybe neurosurgeon wants a CT myelogram for exam of nerve roots. Outcome repair for damage to nerve roots according to literature is said to help.

Most here would understand.

I have multiple sounds. Hearing loss slopes are off the audiogram. Somatic tinnitus from a totally messed up C spine and aortic vessel pulsatile tinnitus where surgery needed would do me in at my age. All sounds are 10/10 tonight. My mouth pain from non fixable nerve damage is unreal - very severe pain. I can't find a safe pain med. Now blind in left eye. Eye pain is also unreal.

Would hearing aids help you a little?

Sorry to hear of your pain. I really sympathise.

I have a feeling I might have had underlying IIH. I really don't know. This all started at the gym when I lifted a 10 kg dumbbell and my head exploded. 6 days later I had a badly performed lumbar puncture which finished me off. Interventional neuroradiologist thinks lifting the weight caused the leak but I'm not convinced. My opening pressure was 26 and the headache was different. I have no hearing loss luckily. I have been told I'm not a great candidate for hearing aids due to the hyperacusis. I've honestly given up. The tinnitus is too severe. I have so many sounds but the metallic ones are horrendous. My brain is filled with loud noise and I hear it in my sleep, it's so intrusive. I've had to increase my sleeping pills dose a few times. I've read very few people who describe their tinnitus like mine. I'd say the others that could are dead. I have no future, I live hour to hour and I'm done. I need peace. I don't think I should do the CT myelogram. I am sure I'm developing arachnoiditis from all this poking around in my lumbar spine.

You've been such a great help despite your own suffering. Thank you very much.

 

[Brian P]

How did your exit bag fail? I have the supplies gathered for this if I get to an unmanageable point so it failing concerns me.

How did you get the tinnitus? What was the cause?

 

[GoatSheep]

How did you get the tinnitus? What was the cause?

I believe acoustic trauma was the final straw. My problems pretty much fit the bill for acoustic shock.

Prior to that I was going through a nasty divorce and having some pretty bad issues with my eyes. I feel like the stress and depression caused by those circumstances severely impacted my health and made me prone to it. I actually had a very brief instance months before the acoustic trauma (loud music in my car) where I was laying down and I heard tinnitus very loud and two different distinctive tones in each of my ears.

At the time I didn't know what it was. I actually thought I'd had an auditory hallucination because it was over very quickly, like a few seconds. I only realized it was tinnitus later after I developed full blown tinnitus because at one point those two distinctive tones would come back with certain neck movements.

 

[PeteJ]

I tried to DIY it and it failed in June. I used exit bag and was hospitalized in inpatient psych.

Pegasos accepts tinnitus as a reason and they speak English. Call them.

I am scared of the finality of dying even though my torture would end. I guess it's illogical but sometimes I wish I was agnostic, at least.

 

[Brian P]

I am scared of the finality of dying even though my torture would end. I guess it's illogical but sometimes I wish I was agnostic, at least.

We all gotta go someday. No harm in speeding it up if life is going to be hell till you die naturally…

 

[Brian Newman]

Sorry to hear of your pain. I really sympathise.

I have a feeling I might have had underlying IIH. I really don't know. This all started at the gym when I lifted a 10 kg dumbbell and my head exploded. 6 days later I had a badly performed lumbar puncture which finished me off. Interventional neuroradiologist thinks lifting the weight caused the leak but I'm not convinced. My opening pressure was 26 and the headache was different. I have no hearing loss luckily. I have been told I'm not a great candidate for hearing aids due to the hyperacusis. I've honestly given up. The tinnitus is too severe. I have so many sounds but the metallic ones are horrendous. My brain is filled with loud noise and I hear it in my sleep, it's so intrusive. I've had to increase my sleeping pills dose a few times. I've read very few people who describe their tinnitus like mine. I'd say the others that could are dead. I have no future, I live hour to hour and I'm done. I need peace. I don't think I should do the CT myelogram. I am sure I'm developing arachnoiditis from all this poking around in my lumbar spine.

You've been such a great help despite your own suffering. Thank you very much.

Hey, what exactly happened when you were lifting at the gym? I've been going through a similar experience. It's been a year and I'm no better. I suspect a perilymph fistula, or some kind of CSF cranial leak. On top of that I got in a car accident and after that my hyperacusis from the leak turned into severe pain hyperacusis. It's absolutely horrible.

 

[Chandler]

I can't go out on the street. I'm a little better in quiet places. When I go out on the street, my brain remembers that bad sound and it increasesing. I'm tired really. I resist along with tranquilizers.

 

[EDDTEKK]

In which country does Pegasos reside? How much does it cost? Can anybody share an email address that I can contact them at?

EDIT: I just found it on Google.

https://pegasos-association.com/faqs/

But €10,000 is quite expensive. In Germany it costs half that, but you need to be a member 6 months before you can do assisted suicide.

 

[danielthor]

In which country does Pegasos reside? How much does it cost? Can anybody share an email address that I can contact them at?

EDIT: I just found it on Google.

https://pegasos-association.com/faqs/

But €10,000 is quite expensive. In Germany it costs half that, but you need to be a member 6 months before you can do assisted suicide.

Dignitas in Switzerland is half that, I think. And 3 months.