I don't believe in god. I am more of an existential nihilist than anything else (life and existence are arbitrary acts of the universe, and do not have purpose or higher meaning unless one deliberately assigns purpose to them to stay alive). I also identify as an animist (all things, living and abiotic, have a sentinent essence about them). I am spiritual, and I do, on occasion, believe certain events and occurrences are more than coincidences.
Just a couple of weeks before I (originally) came down with hearing loss and T from a loud noise exposure, I kept thinking to myself in the most 'braggadocious' way "gee, I must be one lucky bastard to have had no health problems all my life and to have my hearing so pristine after all of the times I have used my ears as shooting targets, hahaha". I was also kind of a jack### back in the weeks and months before hell paid a visit; I was always angry at everyone for no rational reason, never respected people's time, showed up late to meetings and to friendship occasions, had bad character when it came to failure or bad marks. And I still never acknowledged the multitudes of privilege I had, good health being one of them. I still worked hard in my academics and morals, and tried to set myself right, however.
When the storm hit and my ears went a bad way, I changed my ways. I started to appreciate my gifts in life a great deal more, my friend's company much more, and my anger towards everyone dissipated (I was just flat out depressed by that point).
But oh man I'll tell you it is like I have been put under a curse, that has not only tightened it's grip on me, but one that just so happened to follow my 'sinful ways' as well. When I experience nearly any form of pleasure these days, I am hastily punished (through my ears and tinnitus) every single time. Talking the original 7 deadly sins ideaology (Greek-Roman, but also related to Christianity), I have definitely experienced the worst problems with my ears and the largest hearing losses when:
a. Felt really angry at something, or directed said anger onto myself physically (sin of wrath)
b. Ate waay too much food or sweets in one period (sin of gluttony)
c. Sat for too long a period on my lazy ass watching TV or computer (sin of sloth)
d. Had strong sexual thoughts or pleasured myself (sin of lust)
e. Felt really secure and spiritually over-powerful in my identity and my state of health, only to have that destroyed a few days or hours later by another ear problem (sin of pride?)
f. Always getting anxious and really upset over how much other young people my age get to get out of the sounded world and the party life (sin of envy)
g. Stealing my a bit of my mom's money, or spending waay to much of my own money and going on some reckless adventure in the car when I am not insured, which then leads to hearing loss and T (sin of greed).
All this has just made me go 'hmm' at times. Just too many health problems as a result of only slightly naughty behaviors. This 'curse' has become so twisted and complex as to also affect me when I experience 'more virtuous' forms of pleasure. I also get T and hearing damage when I
a. Laugh, cry, even smile
b. Have way too much fun and become overwhelmed with joy, which leads me to become hyperactive.
c. Accept my current state of being, and try to stay calm and relaxed (something bad happens anyway).
d. Try to get back to making lots of art or planting my plants, or actually writing my thesis when I was at college (I think the stress of doing so gets to me)
e. Take long walks or get out in the world like American culture tells me to.
So, yes, some of this just seems to me as more of coincidence. But most likely, I am just trying to explain my extraordinary bad luck when it comes to the actions I make and the unintended, and unexpected, consequences they have for my ears.
I think I need to end this personal reflection before it goes other strange directions...moral of the story is I that I personally believe bad luck more often trumps personal choices, but that there can be an element of karma to it all.