What Am I Doing with My Life? My Life Is Consumed by Tinnitus

[Tom Cnyc]

I have an ENT appointment in two weeks. I have some hearing loss in my right ear that happened 10 years before my tinnitus started.

I was lucky to be honest. I was a stupid 17 year old joinery apprentice and one day I hit a nail gun cap with a hammer in an enclosed room. Equivalent to a gunshot and my right ear made a whoo like noise and I'm pretty sure my hearing was damaged at that point, but no tinnitus. My left ear was unaffected.

At the minute it's my left ear that is the problem with these beeps.

Allan, my hearing loss can be tracked to one specific day as well. I was DJing at a funky house party and the DJ before me had the booth volume cranked. I was inebriated, and rather than turn it down, just jumped in there and enjoyed it. I can clearly recall walking outside to chat afterwards and being basically deaf in my left ear afterwards. It took about 2 hours for my hearing to "come back" but honestly never really did fully. It wasn't ringing - or at least the ambient noise of the Brooklyn streets were enough to cover it, so I never panicked. 2 years later when I had my next bad noise exposure that ear became the "bad" one though, and still remains my "sensitive ear" - even on days my R ear is ringing and taht one is not.

Too soon old, too late smart.

If you're anything like me, you'll get back to music. It'll just take a while before you feel comfortable doing so.

 

[Allan1967]

Allan, my hearing loss can be tracked to one specific day as well. I was DJing at a funky house party and the DJ before me had the booth volume cranked. I was inebriated, and rather than turn it down, just jumped in there and enjoyed it. I can clearly recall walking outside to chat afterwards and being basically deaf in my left ear afterwards. It took about 2 hours for my hearing to "come back" but honestly never really did fully. It wasn't ringing - or at least the ambient noise of the Brooklyn streets were enough to cover it, so I never panicked. 2 years later when I had my next bad noise exposure that ear became the "bad" one though, and still remains my "sensitive ear" - even on days my R ear is ringing and taht one is not.

Too soon old, too late smart.

If you're anything like me, you'll get back to music. It'll just take a while before you feel comfortable doing so.

Yeah I think so. No haven't touched my piano since.

 

[Allan1967]

I need to take a break folks. My whole day and night is consumed with thinking about and looking up tinnitus.

Right now I'm sitting in a nearby forest scoping out the best tree branches and it's just got to end somewhere.

I'm continually offloading my distress here and across Facebook, onto my lovely wife and somehow I think it seeps into your consciousness when you read so many more who are also suffering too and my heart goes out to them.

My tinnitus has gone ape (higher pitch) since quitting Venlaxafine 2 weeks ago and I don't know if it's that, is it the new anti depressant (Fluoxetine) or neither and it's driving me insane. People talk about brain zaps when coming off Venlafaxine... is that the same as sudden sharp piercing tinnitus, anyone?

 

[Agatha]

People talk about brain zaps when coming off Venlafaxine... is that the same as sudden sharp piercing tinnitus, anyone?

It's not the same, brain zaps feel like little electric shocks.

I need to take a break folks. My whole day and night is consumed with thinking about and looking up tinnitus.

Could you go to a mental hospital for a few weeks? They can load you up on medications.

 

[Jack Straw]

I need to take a break folks. My whole day and night is consumed with thinking about and looking up tinnitus.

Right now I'm sitting in a nearby forest scoping out the best tree branches and it's just got to end somewhere.

I'm continually offloading my distress here and across Facebook, onto my lovely wife and somehow I think it seeps into your consciousness when you read so many more who are also suffering too and my heart goes out to them.

My tinnitus has gone ape (higher pitch) since quitting Venlaxafine 2 weeks ago and I don't know if it's that, is it the new anti depressant (Fluoxetine) or neither and it's driving me insane. People talk about brain zaps when coming off Venlafaxine... is that the same as sudden sharp piercing tinnitus, anyone?

Please stay strong Allan and don't do anything drastic!

 

[Jcb]

I need to take a break folks. My whole day and night is consumed with thinking about and looking up tinnitus.

Right now I'm sitting in a nearby forest scoping out the best tree branches and it's just got to end somewhere.

I'm continually offloading my distress here and across Facebook, onto my lovely wife and somehow I think it seeps into your consciousness when you read so many more who are also suffering too and my heart goes out to them.

My tinnitus has gone ape (higher pitch) since quitting Venlaxafine 2 weeks ago and I don't know if it's that, is it the new anti depressant (Fluoxetine) or neither and it's driving me insane. People talk about brain zaps when coming off Venlafaxine... is that the same as sudden sharp piercing tinnitus, anyone?

I get you Alan, I really do. Maybe stay off here and all forums, Facebook etc for a while and see if that helps you some from obsessing about T (which I know is easier said then done especially when it's dominating every fibre of your being) keep pushing forward mate and as Jack said don't do anything drastic help could be around the corner with some promising devices coming out.

 

[Allan1967]

I don't know how to describe how I feel.

Every day I wake up knowing I'm going to get plunged into Hell for the day and maybe, just maybe, the next day I'll get a reprieve and have a more manageable day but even on those days I know the following day I might be plunged back into Hell again. Or I might just be plunged into Hell for several days at a time.

I'm beyond taking one day at a time; appreciating the quieter days or surviving the bad days because I know there's a better day somewhere up ahead, but why should I live like this? I want every day to have silence in it, if and when I chose to seek it out, like normal people do.

I've talked to my wife about ending it. She says I can't because of her and the kids. I'm also conflicted because I don't want to face a worse fate on the other side, if there is one. And I know it would devastate my children.

I know there's a lot happening and we have Neuromod coming up but it all seems so fucking far away, except if you're a mouse and even then will any of it really work or even be made available?

 

[annV]

I know there's a lot happening and we have Neuromod coming up but it all seems so fucking far away, except if you're a mouse and even then will any of it really work or even be made available?

Just wait for Neuromod. It might not work but at least you gave it a go. You won't kill yourself because you don't want your family to suffer.

 

[Allan1967]

Just wait for Neuromod. It might not work but at least you gave it a go. You won't kill yourself because you don't want your family to suffer.

I dont want my family to suffer, but I dont want to suffer either @annV.

Surely letting someone you love go because you know they can no longer stand to see you suffer is the ultimate act of love?

 

[emmalee]

I don't know how to describe how I feel.

Every day I wake up knowing I'm going to get plunged into Hell for the day and maybe, just maybe, the next day I'll get a reprieve and have a more manageable day but even on those days I know the following day I might be plunged back into Hell again. Or I might just be plunged into Hell for several days at a time.

I'm beyond taking one day at a time; appreciating the quieter days or surviving the bad days because I know there's a better day somewhere up ahead, but why should I live like this? I want every day to have silence in it, if and when I chose to seek it out, like normal people do.

I've talked to my wife about ending it. She says I can't because of her and the kids. I'm also conflicted because I don't want to face a worse fate on the other side, if there is one. And I know it would devastate my children.

I know there's a lot happening and we have Neuromod coming up but it all seems so fucking far away, except if you're a mouse and even then will any of it really work or even be made available?

Please keep coming here for support, Allan.Talking to your wife about your thoughts was a good decision, it can only help her to understand, on a completely different level, how truly difficult it is for you right now.

 

[winstona]

I don't know how to describe how I feel.

Every day I wake up knowing I'm going to get plunged into Hell for the day and maybe, just maybe, the next day I'll get a reprieve and have a more manageable day but even on those days I know the following day I might be plunged back into Hell again. Or I might just be plunged into Hell for several days at a time.

I'm beyond taking one day at a time; appreciating the quieter days or surviving the bad days because I know there's a better day somewhere up ahead, but why should I live like this? I want every day to have silence in it, if and when I chose to seek it out, like normal people do.

I've talked to my wife about ending it. She says I can't because of her and the kids. I'm also conflicted because I don't want to face a worse fate on the other side, if there is one. And I know it would devastate my children.

I know there's a lot happening and we have Neuromod coming up but it all seems so fucking far away, except if you're a mouse and even then will any of it really work or even be made available?

I totally feel you Allan! I don't know you personally but I have seen you in the Neuromod thread.

I too has gone thru what you are going thru now. I have thought about ending it all but the thought of my wife's suffering pulled me back. Besides I know deep down I don't have the courage to end myself. I am a coward.

I know you are braver than me and that's why I think you can use this braveness to keep living.

I know it sucks to have to accept that may be we will never get our old life back. I really yearn for the days where I can sit down and enjoy my day in peace but that has been robbed from me by T, perhaps forever.

But when you really think about it, that's not all of your life.

There's are many things that T can not rob u of, like watching your kid grow up. It can never take that away from you!

Besides, in time, T will get better or you will cope with it better so hang in there and you may find that there's a life worth living for waiting for you tomorrow!

 

[Allan1967]

Please keep coming here for support, Allan.Talking to your wife about your thoughts was a good decision, it can only help her to understand, on a completely different level, how truly difficult it is for you right now.

Thank you @emmalee.

Talking about suicide for me isn't because of a deep depression I'm in. Sure I'm down and have little to laugh about, its more a case of recognising that this is no way to lead a life. And currently, it's all I have to look forward to, this rinse repeat Groundhog Day of mad noises in my head.

But then again I know millions of people are suffering something whether it be physical or mental illness. I'm taking my mother into hospital tomorrow for her to get chemo... I hope I get a massive wake up call then at least.

 

[emmalee]

Thank you @emmalee.

Talking about suicide for me isn't because of a deep depression I'm in. Sure I'm down and have little to laugh about, its more a case of recognising that this is no way to lead a life. And currently, it's all I have to look forward to, this rinse repeat Groundhog Day of mad noises in my head.

But then again I know millions of people are suffering something whether it be physical or mental illness. I'm taking my mother into hospital tomorrow for her to get chemo... I hope I get a massive wake up call then at least.

I understand, Allan.

Even though there are others who suffer, be it tinnitus or something else, doesn't always help us to feel better. We feel what we feel and these feelings are valid. I believe that as long as we keep talking to each other and sharing our day to day struggles with tinnitus, it will help.

 

[emmalee]

I'm taking my mother into hospital tomorrow for her to get chemo... I hope I get a massive wake up call then at least.

So sorry to hear this, Allan. Your Mom is fortunate to have you there for support. Life can be so difficult sometimes.

 

[Allan1967]

I understand, Allan.

Even though there are others who suffer, be it tinnitus or something else, doesn't always help us to feel better. We feel what we feel and these feelings are valid. I believe that as long as we keep talking to each other and sharing our day to day struggles with tinnitus, it will help.

That's very true... I don't take any comfort from knowing I'm not alone. I would however take a lot of comfort from knowing that us tinnitus sufferers had all teamed up like Flash fucking Gordon & the Wing Men to fight Emperor Tinnitus and we were collectively making things happen and influencing things.

That's why the team here deserve so much respect... they are doing stuff.

 

[Dizzyhead888]

Your life and our life has changed. Its now a struggle. You are deprived of many things you love and used to do.
Accept this downgrade in your life.
Continue your life as it is. Push through it.
You have a family and you achieved a lot prior to tinnitus, there are ones that got tinnitus at very young age .
We are all going to die at one point. Push through it.

 

[emmalee]

That's why the team here deserve so much respect... they are doing stuff.

Yes, they do and yes they are.

 

[OnceUponaTime]

I dont want my family to suffer, but I dont want to suffer either

I understand.

Hang in there Allan.
Maybe you can try Clonazepam and Gabapentin combo??

 

[Allan1967]

I am severely struggling today and it's only 0815am. My tinnitus is so piercing it's just beyond comprehension and literally Hell on earth. I don't think I can take much more. If I do myself in I just hope my family know the trauma and the distress I'm going through. I cannot picture a life like this for much longer. October 2018 and no let up since.

 

[Flamingo1]

I am severely struggling today and it's only 0815am. My tinnitus is so piercing it's just beyond comprehension and literally Hell on earth. I don't think I can take much more. If I do myself in I just hope my family know the trauma and the distress I'm going through. I cannot picture a life like this for much longer. October 2018 and no let up since.

Allan, please go and talk to an audiologist who has dealt with tinnitus. For me, after talking to the Hearing Doctor in Los Angeles, I felt so much better! If there is no one like that in your area, he may be able to do a phone consult with you. https://thehearingdoctor.com

 

[Jazzer]

I don't know how to describe how I feel.

Every day I wake up knowing I'm going to get plunged into Hell for the day and maybe, just maybe, the next day I'll get a reprieve and have a more manageable day but even on those days I know the following day I might be plunged back into Hell again. Or I might just be plunged into Hell for several days at a time.

I'm beyond taking one day at a time; appreciating the quieter days or surviving the bad days because I know there's a better day somewhere up ahead, but why should I live like this? I want every day to have silence in it, if and when I chose to seek it out, like normal people do.

I've talked to my wife about ending it. She says I can't because of her and the kids. I'm also conflicted because I don't want to face a worse fate on the other side, if there is one. And I know it would devastate my children.

I know there's a lot happening and we have Neuromod coming up but it all seems so fucking far away, except if you're a mouse and even then will any of it really work or even be made available?

Dear Allan
every day for me starts like every day for you.
Mine is severe, loud and constant now for five years.
I had been a professional jazz musician for over fifty years.
Just one minute after this thing struck me in July 2014 I knew that the life I had led was finished.
I guess I have learnt to cope.

Things that have helped or encouraged me:
- the certain knowledge that I am loved to bits by my family, my lovely wife, my kids, g/kids, friends etc...
- my pets - I have promised them that I will be here for them, and to look after them, whatever happens,
- my morning meditation in a warm bath, when I hear my sounds but manage to relax into a meditational doze even so, making sure that there are times in the day when my composure is still intact.

As you can see buddy - I don't have any substantial answers, but I am trying to learn how best to deal with it.

One thought that comes to me is that, if my adorable wife was so afflicted she would do her very best for me.
How can I then do less for her?

I have a thread running on here called 'Tinnitus Truths,' which is devoted to things like,
art, humour, philosophy, psychology, etc...
(peripherals I suppose.)
Most of the time I attempt to encourage myself.
Here is one I prepared earlier:
(sounds like a cake)

best wishes Allan
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Allan1967]

Allan, please go and talk to an audiologist who has dealt with tinnitus. For me, after talking to the Hearing Doctor in Los Angeles, I felt so much better! If there is no one like that in your area, he may be able to do a phone consult with you. https://thehearingdoctor.com

I'm waiting on an appointment at my local Tinnitus Clinic, thanks.

 

[Allan1967]

Dear Allan
every day for me starts like every day for you.
Mine is severe, loud and constant now for five years.
I had been a professional jazz musician for over fifty years.
Just one minute after this thing struck me in July 2014 I knew that the life I had led was finished.
I guess I have learnt to cope.

Things that have helped or encouraged me:
- the certain knowledge that I am loved to bits by my family, my lovely wife, my kids, g/kids, friends etc...
- my pets - I have promised them that I will be here for them, and to look after them, whatever happens,
- my morning meditation in a warm bath, when I hear my sounds but manage to relax into a meditational doze even so, making sure that there are times in the day when my composure is still intact.

As you can see buddy - I don't have any substantial answers, but I am trying to learn how best to deal with it.

One thought that comes to me is that, if my adorable wife was so afflicted she would do her very best for me.
How can I then do less for her?

I have a thread running on here called 'Tinnitus Truths,' which is devoted to things like,
art, humour, philosophy, psychology, etc...
(peripherals I suppose.)
Most of the time I attempt to encourage myself.
Here is one I prepared earlier:
(sounds like a cake)
View attachment 28881

best wishes Allan
Dave x
Jazzer

Thank you @Jazzer. I can't imagine how that must have felt knowing that something you loved dearly like jazz had to come to an end.

I was learning jazz and boogie woogie piano and the irony for me is it's that that has put me in the position I'm in now and I'm by no means anywhere near your 50 year standard. It's just such a bitter pill to swallow... One hour amateur playing has caused my ears to go mental for 6 months so far. It's just unreal.

I have a very selfish attitude and somewhat dangerous one but it's probably par for the course with suicide ideation and that's I suffer for my kids so my suicide doesn't affect them and they don't become victims.

If my suffering was to be rewarded in Heaven then so be it, I'll suffer, but right now I don't even know if there is a Heaven or a Hell.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Kids trump suicide.

As nice an escape as it would be... you can't do it to your kids until their adults, or older, and then an assisted suicide with counseling and all that would be the protocol.
Sounds like you should try and get to a good doctor asap.

Maybe score tranquilizers, or benzos, to calm your nervous system down.

You're under great stress, I have been there too, most of us here have.
We understand your ideation and deep anguish and pain.

Hoping you get some relief asap, maybe you need to reach out a little if you haven't already.

Hang in there
Daniel

 

[emmalee]

Allan, I wish I had the words to encourage you to keep up the good fight. Please know that everyone here understands the pain that you are feeling. We are all here for you.

i think it's brave that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for a rest

i think it's brave that you keep on living
even if you don't know how to anymore

i think it's brave that you push away the waves rolling in every day
and you decide to fight

i know there are days when you feel like giving up but
i think it's brave
that you never do ~

 

[Allan1967]

Kids trump suicide.

As nice an escape as it would be... you can't do it to your kids until their adults, or older, and then an assisted suicide with counseling and all that would be the protocol.
Sounds like you should try and get to a good doctor asap.

Maybe score tranquilizers, or benzos, to calm your nervous system down.

You're under great stress, I have been there too, most of us here have.
We understand your ideation and deep anguish and pain.

Hoping you get some relief asap, maybe you need to reach out a little if you haven't already.

Hang in there
Daniel

Got some Diazepam from the Doctor. Just made me sleepy for a bit but hasn't quietened the noise.

 

[Allan1967]

Allan, I wish I had the words to encourage you to keep up the good fight. Please know that everyone here understands the pain that you are feeling. We are all here for you.

i think it's brave that you get up in the morning even if your soul is weary and your bones ache for a rest

i think it's brave that you keep on living
even if you don't know how to anymore

i think it's brave that you push away the waves rolling in every day
and you decide to fight

i know there are days when you feel like giving up but
i think it's brave
that you never do ~

I just don't know why I had two ok days before hand and since Tuesday it just goes ballastic, screaming from the moment I wake up.

 

[grate_biff]

@Allan1967

Hi Allan. Everything you say, I can relate to. We are very alike you and I.
My tinnitus is also insanely piercing and high pitched. It´s really painful. I have severe Noxacusis as well so I have to wear ear protection everytime I pee, use the faucet or handle any kind of plastic or paper materials. It´s even worse when someone else makes these sounds when I´m not prepared.

All of this makes me very suicidal. My thoughts are on how to kill myself nonstop throughout the day.

Like you, I´m also getting off of Venlafaxine, and it makes both the tinnitus more piercing and Noxacusis even more sensitive. I´ve been on Venlafaxine for 20 years and even a 12,5 mg decrease makes my noise sensitivity go haywire. For me it settles a bit about two month after my last drop. You went cold turkey from 75 mg so you will have to wait for T to settle even though you are on another AD. But in the middle of withdrawal, everything feels utterly hopeless. I do not know about you, but I have extreme tremors, aching in every muscle, nausea and extreme anxiety also because of the Venlafaxine withdrawal. It´s an evil thing to get off, but I understand you wanting to get off of it.

Still, one thing that helps my tinnitus is this sound I found on YouTube. It's the only thing I´ve found to totally mask my tinnitus even on relatively low volume. Sit in a quiet room and try it out. I use it on my Mac laptop or connect it to my stereo. I don´t like using headphones because the tinnitus just leaps through the noise then, like with my in-ear noise generators. Hope it works for you as well.

 

[grate_biff]

Sorry, this is the one I´m using

 

[winstona]

I just don't know why I had two ok days before hand and since Tuesday it just goes ballastic, screaming from the moment I wake up.

Allan,

Do you have the kind of tinnitus that dies down for a couple of days and then comes back ringing hard for a few days then rinse and repeat?