What the Hell Am I Holding On for?

[derpytia]

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

I wake up every day wanting to die. Antidepressants either made me violently ill or only worked for 2 weeks and then stopped working out of the blue. Four increases in the four years I've had this. I can't sleep. I can't enjoy music or television. I can't even enjoy my friends' company. I can't go out to eat. I can't go to the movies. I had to give up music for good. Four years of absolute misery and things only getting worse. Doctor after doctor after doctor. Pills, therapy, plans. Nothing helps.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid I'll end up in hell for murder of myself.

There's research and clinical trials but in the four years I've had tinnitus I've seen many such attempts fail time and time again. We get so worked up over something that looks promising and then our hopes are dashed to pieces.

I can't express how much I want to just die. I even have a friend who's in the same boat as me (he's tried everything for his tinnitus and nothing works) and he wants to go to Switzerland at the end of the year to get assisted suicide. I kept telling him not to do it all the while I want to do it myself.

 

[Nanny chocolate]

Hi there
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so depressed. You maybe don't want to die but to stop feeling the way you do right now. I have those feelings often too, when all is despair and it seems pointless to go on.
My Doctor told me I would go to hell if I killed myself. I'm still here and although the very loud, intrusive T hasn't changed at all, some days or parts of them I feel less awful.
Can you get some help for your depression as that might help you to manage the T a little better.
Eve
@derpytia

 

[dingaling]

Hi @derpytia

Sorry you're going through hell; many of us have felt the same as you but have pulled through. Ending it all might seem the right thing for you right now but think of the loved ones you'll leave behind. There are other options.

How did your T start? Have you ever had psychotherapy or CBT? Have you got a support network? What do you do in life if you can't enjoy music/TV/company of friends? Do you have a phobia of going out?

 

[Billylongpockets]

Yeah.. Think were all been in that boat only no one really wants to admit it.. Were all wanting some calm to our lifes . l have forgotton what peace n quiet really is.. All l can hear is this fuckin high pitched white noise ringing constantly..
l thought about lobbing myself off a cliff but then thought about the poor sod who had to shovel me up..
lm trying to make a different approach .
l wear ear plugs which do help don't know how...
Since l cannot sleep as well l was up at 4.15 this morning and rolled out some puff pastery. microwaved some bacon and put loads of grated cheese on the pastery folded it over then in the oven for 20mins and bingo.. l then sat out in the garden and played throwing stones at the neighbours cat whilst doing some weeding.. The dawn corus was nice. i then went round the block on my pushbike.. Had a shower and here l am at work..
Yes the bloody ringing is still there and l think lm better of alive then dead..
l know that there is no help for me so l am just trying to get on with it.. And yes the tears do fall and l do get down with it..
l once heard that a neighbors son aged around 12 invited his best mate round to play on his new trampoline... His mate tried a flip and landed on his neck.. The poor lad is paralyzed from his neck down.. l bet you that he would swap places with any of us.... That's a very true story.... x

 

[Ed209]

 

[dayma]

Sorry for how you are feeling. Lots of us have been there.

Keep in mind antidepressants can take 6 + weeks to be effective and durIng this time you could feel a bit out of it and potentially even more depressed. If you feel more suicidal on the pills you need to contact your therapist to try a different one.

It can take time to find the right antidepressant.

 

[glynis]

@derpytia,
Tinnitus is a nasty noise and mental torture for some people and day to day living can be hard as we can fall into a deep depression and the easiest task can still feel hard to do.
Our life and social interaction can become hard being around loud sound and Anxiety raises it's ugly head.
Medication for your depression will help lift your mood and it is finding the best one for you along with talking therapy till you get your sparkle back.
Fighting to enjoy life again is hard with tinnitus but it will happen in it's own time so for now try off load stress and go at your pace and try make each day count and push hard because you deserve the best out of life as we all do so push any obstacles in life away as you learn to deal with them.
Stay strong and keep posting duck...chin up.
Love glynis x

 

[RicoS]

Hang in there ... I am in since 2013 with a lot of ups and downs.... but I keep having hope and believe it will get better or I get rid of it. I have T and H. Sometimes bad sometimes worse

 

[IvanRus]

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

Good day!

I already wrote to you immediately to give up these decadent thoughts!
What makes you a noise, how is your hearing on audiometry ?!
Have you gotten a spike lately or is the noise constant?

What antidepressants did you take ?! Perhaps they just do not suit you!

Go into oblivion - this is an extreme step, and in your situation it's stupid, because plus to everything, you will not get to hell or heaven, but just disappear forever.

Now to the point of the matter - there are real methods to try to help you. Surely you have not tried half of them, and are going to give up ?!
It's no good!

Write to me briefly your situation, I will try to help.

 

[just1morething]

Pills, therapy, plans.

Did you try hearing aids?

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/regular-hearing-aids-are-curing-my-tinnitus.25523/#post-
324053


https://www.hear-it.org/tinnitus-causes-changes-brain

 

[volsung37]

A couple of nights per week I think about topping myself because the noise is so loud through the night. Then I get up and everything seems ok. Its a funny old thing tinnitus.

 

[robHing]

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

Even though we are all T sufferers but only God and yourself know your dire situation, your suffering to think about terminating life.

I suffer the T since 2016. But, beginning of March this year, it is getting worse.
I have similar thought of death several times. It is an easy way out of suffering.
But, I am a Christian. I can not do it.
So, I turn around to think about positive things that is worthy to live or enjoy life.
For example, I am a Giants football fan. They have very good draft of new players and free agents this spring (March & April). I eagerly want to know how Giants football turn around this season ?
This motivates me with curiosity, interest and some hope.

May be you have something in your life that you love or enjoy without too much noise.
You can give up music or other noisy things. But, you can choose other quiet & pleasant things to motivate you moving on.

We all support you and wish you the best.
God bless you !

Robert

 

[threefirefour]

Hi there
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so depressed. You maybe don't want to die but to stop feeling the way you do right now. I have those feelings often too, when all is despair and it seems pointless to go on.
My Doctor told me I would go to hell if I killed myself. I'm still here and although the very loud, intrusive T hasn't changed at all, some days or parts of them I feel less awful.
Can you get some help for your depression as that might help you to manage the T a little better.
Eve
@derpytia

It has nothing to do with depression. It has to do with tinnitus. We shouldn't be deflecting the issue.

 

[Kelvin]

There will always be a better day...just hang in there.
Death is final.
X

 

[threefirefour]

There will always be a better day...just hang in there.
Death is final.
X

There will always be a worse one too.

 

[Wolfears]

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

I wake up every day wanting to die. Antidepressants either made me violently ill or only worked for 2 weeks and then stopped working out of the blue. Four increases in the four years I've had this. I can't sleep. I can't enjoy music or television. I can't even enjoy my friends' company. I can't go out to eat. I can't go to the movies. I had to give up music for good. Four years of absolute misery and things only getting worse. Doctor after doctor after doctor. Pills, therapy, plans. Nothing helps.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid I'll end up in hell for murder of myself.

There's research and clinical trials but in the four years I've had tinnitus I've seen many such attempts fail time and time again. We get so worked up over something that looks promising and then our hopes are dashed to pieces.

I can't express how much I want to just die. I even have a friend who's in the same boat as me (he's tried everything for his tinnitus and nothing works) and he wants to go to Switzerland at the end of the year to get assisted suicide. I kept telling him not to do it all the while I want to do it myself.

There have been some documented cases in the 90's, where bunch of the T sufferers chose to have their auditory nerve cut...it worked for little more than half of them.
Sounds like you feel that you are running out of options...maybe you want to explore that avenue (or any other avenue for that matter).
Death is the final solution for where nothing else worked...you still have a chance.

 

[Nanny chocolate]

Tinnitus causes depression in my opinion. You are entirely entitled to feel as you do when harangued by relentless noise that you have no control over.
It's a personal choice whether to continue with life, or not. S can't be reversed though and some people consider that to be a good option.
Eve
@threefirefour

 

[robHing]

Tinnitus causes depression in my opinion. You are entirely entitled to feel as you do when harangued by relentless noise that you have no control over.

Based on your profile, the T occurred to you since 1995.
It has been 23 years. My salute to you.
You are a very good example of living T positively !

 

[Nanny chocolate]

Also this site is all about the suffering that T causes, it's not a forum to discuss depression. Only that to say that for me, they go hand in hand.
T has caused depression and now both have come to live with me.
Eve x
@threefirefour

 

[Nanny chocolate]

Oops, I gave that to myself! Thank you, it's been a tough ride.
Eve
@robHing

 

[robHing]

Thank you, it's been a tough ride.

Hang in there !

 

[Jazzer]

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

I wake up every day wanting to die. Antidepressants either made me violently ill or only worked for 2 weeks and th

Honestly, what am I holding on for at this point?!

I wake up every day wanting to die. Antidepressants either made me violently ill or only worked for 2 weeks and then stopped working out of the blue. Four increases in the four years I've had this. I can't sleep. I can't enjoy music or television. I can't even enjoy my friends' company. I can't go out to eat. I can't go to the movies. I had to give up music for good. Four years of absolute misery and things only getting worse. Doctor after doctor after doctor. Pills, therapy, plans. Nothing helps.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid I'll end up in hell for murder of myself.

There's research and clinical trials but in the four years I've had tinnitus I've seen many such attempts fail time and time again. We get so worked up over something that looks promising and then our hopes are dashed to pieces.

I can't express how much I want to just die. I even have a friend who's in the same boat as me (he's tried everything for his tinnitus and nothing works) and he wants to go to Switzerland at the end of the year to get assisted suicide. I kept telling him not to do it all the while I want to do it myself.

Derpytia - so painful for me to read your story and to know how long you have suffered.
I am so so sorry. (big hugs) xx
I have also struggled for years, and found nothing to switch it off.
Will a treatment or a cure ever show up - nobody knows.
I personally do not watch the horizon.
If there is ever a significant breakthrough, we will all find out on the tv news.

I have taken an interest in developing coping techniques to help me through.

*Deep relaxation.
*Meditation
*Hypnotic suggestion

As you've had this wretched syndrome for years, you may well have tried everything - I don't know.

I'll just mention my Relaxation method.
...............................................................

Sit or lay down, with head laying slightly to one side to assist easy breathing

leave the lips closed

the teeth apart

the jaw hanging comfortably

allow the inside of the mouth
and the throat to go quite quite soft

Be aware of your tongue
floating gently in water

Ask your tummy to take over your breathing

Allow gentle breathing to take place.
Breath like a baby.

..................................

There are reflexes in the tummy (Diaphragm) which will instigate an in breath and an out breath for you,
so do no more conscious breathing.
Breathing just happens.

Think the word 'Deeper - Deeper - Deeper'
With each out breath.
Drift off - for about 20 minutes.
Count down from 10 to zero.
Wake up and stretch.
................................................................

Best wishes
Dave
xx

 

[Rajin]

So sorry to read your story, there are a lot of ppl with this exact story., world of Tinnitus, so sad and depressing. Now it make me think is there any other sickness that ppl are thinking of hurting themselves. We need a new looking into this symptom from up higher. Who that may be , at this point. Unbelievable. Ppl suffering and there is nothing, nada to ever ease the pain. Prayers help ,can you turn to God ask for help. Believe it work.