Fed Up... Anybody Else Thinking About Ending It All?

[Vincent R]

@Vincent R , first off I really like what you have written here.

Probably because I understand what you're doing here on TT. You're not here to get support, you're here as a part of a process where you face the facts. That's why TT-members who tries to comfort you doesn't get anywhere.

Of course people do it. They have to do it. We all have to do it, putting up with T 24/7 'cause we do NOT have any choice! Suicide is freaking hard. But I will get there; soon.

Precisely, T is a prison for me, and the worst possible prison I can conceive. My meaning of life, the most precious for me, is totally obliterated. Smashed to thousand pieces.
My head hurts 24/7, I can barely concentrate (it cost me a lot of effort to do so), the noise is so annoying, so extremely loud and reactive. Each day and night is hell. Consciousness equals purgatory.
Honestly, we wouldn't be having this conversation now, if I have had the right meds/poison. All I'm longing for is a moment of serenity. A moment were I can sort my thoughts, a moment of peace, a moment of solace, a moment of freedom. And all I get is this mind fuc* w/o a fuc*ing break.

Yes, I agree. For me it seems shattering T to pieces is the only way out, even if that means ending my very existence.

I survived this nightmare now for over two months with little hope that it might solve itself somehow. But it does not; (so far?). If I imagine vegetating like this for years.. gosh, please.. not. Everything but this.. I feel so braindead, my head hurts, it hurts so much.

Exactly, I cannot change my inner nature. I cannot pretend everything is okay when it is not. All my motivations need a moment of quiet. Being deprived of the one thing you loved the most is.. it doesn't make any sense anymore!
I suppose I should be looking for some suicidal boards. I might find there the answer to my problem.
I did all the research about T I possible could. And there is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing but nothingness.

The gates of Hell are wide open, and reading this is staring straight into it.

Funny, once upon a time a redhead did take my soul. Though, I got it back eventually only to lose it to fuc*ing T.

It happened to me too, probably in my last life, and I STILL haven't got my soul back.

But that's readheads for you.

Then off with your head. Ending is better than mending, right?

I've explained my reasons for trying to gut my T out in a post above. But honestly, I probably wouldn't mind if a freak accident bailed me out. I had some hopes about the Ebola outbreak but appearantly it's been stopped in it tracks. "Mutated virus" my ass. What kind of whimpy apocalyptic disease allows itself to be toppled like that?

 

[Vincent R]

i'm suicidal but after having a discussion about it with a person here i decided it's not good to talk about suicide in these threads.
ninyu, your posts make other people consider this final exit so what if you took it away here?? there are suicide sites and chat groups out there you can join

In case you haven't noticed, it's pretty damn hard to off yourself while you write with people here on TT. I mean, even if you're great at multitasking, typing on your I-phone while you throw yourself in front of a train will probably prove a bit of a challenge.

So lets just keep @NiNyu busy for a while longer, shall we?

 

[NiNyu]

She's pretty deadset against giving me any pills,

Well, she could give it to me. Please be so kind and ask her; at least.

@Stink , I'm happy for you that you are feeling better; for now. But as you know and @Vincent R pointed out we do NOT have a choice; unfortunately. Anyway, you could elaborate on why you changed your mind. You might inspire others here.

 

[NiNyu]

@Vincent R , I think we should hang out. You seem to be a cool cat. You get me. Maybe that's what we all should do, meet one last and first time and end this suffering together.

Now I got all the facts, and they are just as depressing as this constant noise in my ear/head? It makes me all cry.
Comfort.. I wish there was such thing. I used to lounge in a train, looked out the window, enjoyed a hot cup of coffee while having a strange conversation with a stranger. Yes, that was comfort. If the noise would cease just for a moment.. there would be plenty of comfort.

That makes you soulless; just like me! Do you think you will ever catch one of those ghosts in this incarnation?

I thought about that many times, I'd rather have a freak accident or snake bite, anything really anything but T as long as it's deadly or there are breaks.

I think you shouldn't torment yourself much longer or do you enjoy pain? That is, endless pain I mean.

Well, it will take me a while longer anyway to acquire the right poison.

 

[Street Spirit]

My ears are on fire. I change my answer to yes..but not for now.

 

[billie48]

I guess it is important for anyone whose T is relatively new (less than 2 years) should just try to hang in there and give it time. You may not view your T ringing like it is the end of the world in a few years. T is like a bully trying to intimidate and scare you. But in a few years your body will harden to such a sensation and there will be less and less negative reaction to it. My T is still the ultra high pitch dog whistle. It is not something a normal person can take. Once I play a video clip of a dog whistle sound matching my T to the family. Instantly everyone screamed, covered their ears and ran away as quick as they could.

I never thought I could handle this for life too. But I am doing just that now. No sweat. I was a panic prone person for decades before T & H. If my body can get used to this and my nerves don't freak out like before, have faith that you can too. You just have to the patience to give it time. If it is your life that matters, why rush into doing something you may regret on the other side. Before you pick up that poison, check out youtube and search 'near death experience from suicide'. This is not about religion but more like a reality show, from people with all different backgrounds, religious or non religious. Watch those videos and make your conclusion if you want to go ahead. It is likely a one-way ticket. I did my due diligence when T sufferings caused the S word to dangle around, and decided that it is better to stay put and fight T by learning and applying the wisdom and insights I learn from others on support board. I also decided to live abundantly to bury T and its suffering (if any now) and give a few years and see what then. Now T is just a paper tiger and both me and my body don't give a dime. It feels good to knock this bully to the ground, pour water on it, and it is melting...

 

[kmohoruk]

I guess it is important for anyone whose T is relatively new (less than 2 years) should just try to hang in there and give it time. You may not view your T ringing like it is the end of the world in a few years. T is like a bully trying to intimidate and scare you. But in a few years your body will harden to such a sensation and there will be less and less negative reaction to it. My T is still the ultra high pitch dog whistle. It is not something a normal person can take. Once I play a video clip of a dog whistle sound matching my T to the family. Instantly everyone screamed, covered their ears and ran away as quick as they could.

I never thought I could handle this for life too. But I am doing just that now. No sweat. I was a panic prone person for decades before T & H. If my body can get used to this and my nerves don't freak out like before, have faith that you can too. You just have to the patience to give it time. If it is your life that matters, why rush into doing something you may regret on the other side. Before you pick up that poison, check out youtube and search 'near death experience from suicide'. This is not about religion but more like a reality show, from people with all different backgrounds, religious or non religious. Watch those videos and make your conclusion if you want to go ahead. It is likely a one-way ticket. I did my due diligence when T sufferings caused the S word to dangle around, and decided that it is better to stay put and fight T by learning and applying the wisdom and insights I learn from others on support board. I also decided to live abundantly to bury T and its suffering (if any now) and give a few years and see what then. Now T is just a paper tiger and both me and my body don't give a dime. It feels good to knock this bully to the ground, pour water on it, and it is melting...

Thank you @billie48 your posts always give me hope and that extra shot of positivity when I need it.

 

[yaom]

@svintegrity, it's sarcasm. When I lie silent in bed just listening (unvoluntarily) to my T after some hours I have the feeling it gets softer. However, as soon as I move, inhale/exhale too quickly, there's any sound T gets extreme loud again. Believe me, there's no volume knob. There never will be. T does what it does best, torturing 24/7.
I call mine, killer noise or sanity destroyer.

@yaom, well then you don't have a debilitating T, I'd say. Oh, and cowards usually have a long life.

try living with periodical migraines, asthma, constant non stop back pain....and on top of that vestibular neuritis (which caused my tinnitus) plus yes fun fogginess and vertigo (which I am fighting with therapy to the ear)
and I still wanna fight it! Maybe that is the reason tinnitus seems nothing to me at this point! I am broken so I got over the "healthy happy life illusion" that is not true for most people as we age!

sorry but wishing to die over tinnitus sounds ridiculous to me

Bette davis : old age is not for sissies... I am 37 and I don't wanna die

 

[NiNyu]

Once I play a video clip of a dog whistle sound matching my T to the family. Instantly everyone screamed, covered their ears and ran away as quick as they could.

That's me! I keep running but it doesn't work. Mine kinda sounds like a dentist's drill. T made me a panic prone person. My dear Billie, you are a truely hardcore suffering optimist. Nail me to a cross, set me on fire I don't give a damn as long as I can breathe, as long as I am conscious.
Thanks, I'm gonna check out those vids. ~hug


@yaom, I have a constant migraine due to T now! In addition, to the constant headache my knees hurt (probably due to not enough movement). But life is beautiful. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the blue sky is magnificent blue, the air is clandestinely fresh.. too bad I cannot enjoy it anymore.
Do you think you can win this fight against all the maladies?

As said, if you genuinely think that all Ts are ridiculous compared to other ailments you must not have an intrusive reactive killer T. Frankly, I'd like to give you mine -- for just one day. One single day. 24 hours. And I bet my very life (and all my possessions) you'd immediately change your view.

No one wants to die. I am the last person that cherishes the thought of death, but if the suffering is that extreme -- without any moment of solace, vegetating just like this doesn't make much sense IMO. But hey, some people like pain.

I think there should be a peace pill for everybody suffering that severe. I mean, pets are better off they get put to sleep when suffering. Whereas we, humans, have to endure our pain without any mercy. Unless we do something hideous to our fellow men which entitles us to be put on deathrow. So much about dignity.

 

[Nick the Swede]

This tread is really depressing, I know about suffereing and death but there must be some kind of suicide platforms around to discuss this kind of thing. I can´t see any point at all here more than the pain is real.

 

[linearb]

As said, if you genuinely think that all Ts are ridiculous compared to other ailments you must not have an intrusive reactive killer T.

This is one possibility. The other possibility is that you, as someone relatively young and up until this point relatively healthy, have never had to grapple with a serious, severe health problem before and don't really have a concept of what that means.

 

[NiNyu]

@Nick the Swede , reality is what it is. T is depressing. And I'm rather be honest, telling how I exactly feel instead of hiding my emotions. The question is, can you handle the truth or not. Either way feel free to ignore.

 

[Nick the Swede]

@NiNyu, my only point is that for a newcomer it´s very easy to think that T equals suicide, and that´s pretty wrong if looking at it from a broader scale. If i had read this tread during my first months of T it would have sent me to the stone age of anxiety. I feel sorry for all of you think of it but i can´t see the point of dwelling around it

 

[NiNyu]

you have never had to grapple with a serious, severe health problem before and don't really have a concept of what that means.

Actually I've had my fair share of ailments prior to T. But no matter the health problem there were always periods of solace and meds that did address the pain.

 

[linearb]

Actually I've had my fair share of ailments prior to T. But no matter the health problem there were always periods of solace and meds that did address the pain.

Sure; ailments which are self-limiting or can be adequately controlled through meds are not really what I meant by "serious illness".

There are lots, and lots, and lots of terrible maladies for which modern medicine has no answer.

 

[NiNyu]

@Nick the Swede , I hear you. But I think you mistake. Even without reading anything here T did send me to the stone age of anxiety and despair. T equals suffering and pain IMO. This thread it's NOT about dwelling in misery or promoting suicidal tendencies, rather this is a genuine (even philosophical) exchange between those that suffer greatly.

I don't know if you are fed up by now like I am, but feel free to enlighten us. What's your take on the subject? What can we do?

 

[Nick the Swede]

@NiNyu, as i see it, there is no philosophical thing around this . Not much science or anything else either, just a choice to make. I am off for a hockey game now so i will leave this.

 

[NiNyu]

There are lots, and lots, and lots of terrible maladies for which modern medicine has no answer.

Agreed. And T is just one of them.

I had a mucosa inflammation once and the pain was excruciatingly bad. Couldn't eat for weeks! Lost plenty of weight. I really thought I'd die. If not by the disease then due to lack of nutrition. The doctors didn't know what it was. Either viral or bacterial. Antibiotics had no effect. But hey, I could at least take heavy painkillers and guess what they did address the pain. Moreover, even without painkillers there were breaks. So there was something that gave me hope in all this plight. Anyway, my body recovered.


@Nick the Swede , pls reread the thread and pay attention to what @Vincent R and I wrote.

 

[Steve]

@NiNyu
I mentioned on another thread but to reiterate: You are incredibly new to this, really in serious infancy. There are quite a number here who have been through it and passed out of the other side more than once - I'm one of them.

Talking of suicide is not a good thing for people who are new to tinnitus or are easily panicked. Your actions can influence an impulsive decision or send somebody into an anxious state. Ranting and getting something off your chest is one thing but constantly reinforcing the negatives and wallowing in a pit of your own despair is incredibly damaging for you, those around you and those who are in contact here.

I would warrant that all of us here have thought of ending it, if you face what feels like hopelessness then your options feel seriously limited. My advice, right or wrong, is to go and do something amazing. If you truly feel that this is it then do something incredible, whatever that is for you. Make a difference, do something you have always wanted, live without fear. What do you have to lose?

 

[LadyDi]

Hi, @Steve, since I might have the attention of a manager...

Would you all please consider moving this thread out of the Support forum? Pretty much all attempts of support here have been repeatedly brushed aside. Also: this forum is where newbies are most likely to come. While I respect the rights of all to say what they want, I don't think its helpful -- and is potentially harmful -- for those new to tinnitus.

I suggest it be moved to General Chat. That's where, after much board discussion, the suicide thread keying off the story of Gaby Olthuis Nootdorp, a tinnitus patient who was granted the right to euthanasia in the Netherlands, was placed last year.

 

[Vincent R]

@Vincent R , I think we should hang out. You seem to be a cool cat. You get me. Maybe that's what we all should do, meet one last and first time and end this suffering together.

I'd love to. But where do you live? Since this is an Internet message board, it wouldn't be a surprise if we reside in different parts of the globe.

Now I got all the facts, and they are just as depressing as this constant noise in my ear/head? It makes me all cry.
Comfort.. I wish there was such thing. I used to lounge in a train, looked out the window, enjoyed a hot cup of coffee while having a strange conversation with a stranger. Yes, that was comfort. If the noise would cease just for a moment.. there would be plenty of comfort.

That makes you soulless; just like me! Do you think you will ever catch one of those ghosts in this incarnation?

No, I don't think I will, and not only do I find the present state of affairs agonizing, I find them flat out lame. The severe H together with T spiking from sound exposure means I can't even go to into town and buy a cup of coffee without planning it like it was a military operation.

That said, when it comes to finding something that at least temporary can quiet down T a bit I genuinly think there are some things that hasn't been tried yet. The scientists seem pretty sure that it's neurons in the auditory cortex that is causing the noise in our head. In the therapy method Acoustic Neuromodulation, it has been tried to distract the offending neurons by using tones which triggers activity in the neurons nearby. It didn't work out very well, and in hindsight this comes as no surprise: the brain is able to re-program itself but of course it won't do so because it's exposed to a dull and repetitive stimuli over lengths of time. Such a stimuli will simply be put on ignore.

Now, that's one way to redirect the activity of the troublesome neurons that doesn't work.

Lets remind ourselves about what Thomas A. Edison said about developing the electric light bulb: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

I'm not saying that there must be a way to get the rebellic neurons momentarily back into line, but if there is, it wont be anything obvious, so it should take years and years to figure it out. It's not by complete chance I'll start focusing on meditation techniques, since they are about directing the awareness towards a specific subject. Like a breath, a spoken sound, a thought sound or a mental image. Meditation is among many other things a hands on way to influence brain activity by the use of concentration, and will perhaps be useful in that regard. But finding a way to meditate with T will be very hard in itself. It's not enought to be able to do it with the present T-volume. Since T is so unstable it needs to work regardless of how high the screaming alarm clock in the head gets.

I thought about that many times, I'd rather have a freak accident or snake bite, anything really anything but T as long as it's deadly or there are breaks.

I think you shouldn't torment yourself much longer or do you enjoy pain? That is, endless pain I mean.

Thanks for the clarification of the question. No, I don't, but I dont't feel the show is over just yet, even though I have to say I start to find it rather boring.

 

[billie48]

Excellent post, Steve. That is what I have been saying all along, 'a life that is controlled by fear and suffering is not worth fearing about'. So fear can generate is own perfect antidote if you think this way. Why not live abundantly in return to compensate for any T sufferings? Be like Rose of the Titanic to experience the world. We have a member Aaron doing just that and reporting on his adventures after T, and posting those wonderful pictures on his success story post:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...are-with-you-some-pictures-i-took-after.3268/

I have posted about my 2 travel trips after a recent recurrence of my anxiety & panic disorders (which afflicted me for decades due to a childhood fear-provoking event) on the Positivity Thread page 17. I booked a cruise with my wife a week after the recurrence. Then 2 weeks after that I went on a solo trip with a long flight to Asia. During these periods the brain was still panic prone and phobia were abound. In such nerve condition, T was just off the chart. It rang like a dentist drill 10 times the pitch, and it cut through anything. I could hear it above the jet noise. But T wasn't the problem. I am used to it. Panic symptoms were. I had to depend on meds to control the panic symptoms besides using all the other techniques such as mindfulness meditation and abdominal breathing etc. But the heck with fear. I want to face my fears and challenge them with meds to help me if I have to. It is just a mental game, and if I don't buy into fearing the symptoms of fear & anxiety, they are just meaningless emotions which can cause some discomforts. I will take the discomforts & reclaim my freedom of living my life the way I want it, and if I die in the process, so be it. Well, I not just survived my trips, I had so much fun and so much confidence gained, knowing I can dare and face my fears and do it anyway. When you confront fears with a 'fearless' attitude, they will just melt away like the 'wicked witch of Oz' on water. LOL.

 

[billie48]

Hi, @Steve, since I might have the attention of a manager...

Would you all please consider moving this thread out of the Support forum? Pretty much all attempts of support here have been repeatedly brushed aside. Also: this forum is where newbies are most likely to come. While I respect the rights of all to say what they want, I don't think its helpful -- and is potentially harmful -- for those new to tinnitus.

I suggest it be moved to General Chat. That's where, after much board discussion, the suicide thread keying off the story of Gaby Olthuis Nootdorp, a tinnitus patient who was granted the right to euthanasia in the Netherlands, was placed last year.

I agree that this thread should be moved from the Support Forum. We have done enough discussion and views have been expressed. Newer members may find this topic quite fear-provoking, disturbing and depressing due to a lot of uncertainty about their future. We all love to help the member who is contemplating suicide, but we have to be considerate of those newer members who may be quite scared of such prospect in their tough challenge with T. If anything, we want to lift them up and cheer their spirit with the positive messages on the Support Forum.

 

[Steve]

Yep, the support element of it is rendered redundant so it has been moved. As has been referenced already this is not the appropriate place to discuss any kind of "how" or to obsess and promote the idea.

 

[LadyDi]

Yep, the support element of it is rendered redundant so it has been moved. As has been referenced already this is not the appropriate place to discuss any kind of "how" or to obsess and promote the idea.

Thank you for your prompt response.

 

[RCP1]

3 months ago - All I did was lie in bed suicidal - Listening to this noise which kept getting louder and louder. I wanted to take my life - I made specific plans to do so.

Before I did I made one final try/attempt at staying here. I got on a boat and travelled across the sea to see a TRT expert.

I don't know what the future holds - I have no idea. All I know is I'm following her advice and my brain is becoming less and less interested in the Tinnitus. I am back at work 9-5 and am commuting 3 hours a day. I hear my T now 5% of my working day - 10% in the evenings. The brain is tuning it out.

I am not posting any more about my experience with TRT as I don't think anyone is interested and it is falling on deaf ears.

I wish you all the best in your struggle and I hope you find peace.

Slán

Rob

 

[Giovanni]

Ideas for an effective and painless way? If it comes to that...


I have read tinnitus.org website and tried masking as much as i can.

Trobalt I haven't been able to get my hands on yet!


What drugs have you taken? I have taken sleeping meds and also benzos... i think the benzos made me even worse. I dont recommend them to anyone




thanks for trying the uplifting posts. i lived another day thanks all of ya.

You know that thought crosses my mind every day. Because I push it out and think of how fortunate I am to not have a real life endangering problem. Some cancer patients live the last months of their lives doing everything they could possibly want. But we T and H sufferers aren't given a limited amount of time to live. We have the rest of our lives ahead of us and I'll be damned if T and H get in the way, because we only have this one life. Might as well make the best of it. Cheers mate.

 

[Giovanni]

Excellent post, Steve. That is what I have been saying all along, 'a life that is controlled by fear and suffering is not worth fearing about'. So fear can generate is own perfect antidote if you think this way. Why not live abundantly in return to compensate for any T sufferings? Be like Rose of the Titanic to experience the world. We have a member Aaron doing just that and reporting on his adventures after T, and posting those wonderful pictures on his success story post:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...are-with-you-some-pictures-i-took-after.3268/

I have posted about my 2 travel trips after a recent recurrence of my anxiety & panic disorders (which afflicted me for decades due to a childhood fear-provoking event) on the Positivity Thread page 17. I booked a cruise with my wife a week after the recurrence. Then 2 weeks after that I went on a solo trip with a long flight to Asia. During these periods the brain was still panic prone and phobia were abound. In such nerve condition, T was just off the chart. It rang like a dentist drill 10 times the pitch, and it cut through anything. I could hear it above the jet noise. But T wasn't the problem. I am used to it. Panic symptoms were. I had to depend on meds to control the panic symptoms besides using all the other techniques such as mindfulness meditation and abdominal breathing etc. But the heck with fear. I want to face my fears and challenge them with meds to help me if I have to. It is just a mental game, and if I don't buy into fearing the symptoms of fear & anxiety, they are just meaningless emotions which can cause some discomforts. I will take the discomforts & reclaim my freedom of living my life the way I want it, and if I die in the process, so be it. Well, I not just survived my trips, I had so much fun and so much confidence gained, knowing I can dare and face my fears and do it anyway. When you confront fears with a 'fearless' attitude, they will just melt away like the 'wicked witch of Oz' on water. LOL.[/QUOTE

 

[billie48]

That's me! I keep running but it doesn't work. Mine kinda sounds like a dentist's drill. T made me a panic prone person. My dear Billie, you are a truely hardcore suffering optimist. Nail me to a cross, set me on fire I don't give a damn as long as I can breathe, as long as I am conscious.
Thanks, I'm gonna check out those vids. ~hug

Yes I am learning to be an optimist but I am not suffering from T a bit any more. I am no longer being nailed or on fire. LOL. T is no longer able to generate any sufferings as it did during the first 2 years. I was like you never believing that I could recover from those sufferings the way my nerves were freaking out with the noise. You need to believe that things can change for the better and have patience & hope. We only have one life to live. There is no need to rush to its end prematurely particularly people are showing you there are ways to reclaim our lives back. Give it time and hang in there, bro. Mostly importantly, allow yourself some flexibility and be open to other people's suggestions. Try to apply them. That is what I did. You never know if your perception about T will change in a year or two unless you are willing to follow some insights suggested to you.

 

[billie48]

Great one, Giovanni. So true. Fear is an invisible prison and I was the jailer. I know what it means because I experienced it. I suffered decades of anxiety and panic disorder prior to T. In the first occurrence, I was so alarmed and traumatized by the attacks that it kept me house bound for a few months, a literal prison. I used to be a fearless young guy with lots of outdoor adventures. The extreme reactions to the A & P attacks knocked me down so much that it locked me into a mental prison. I had so many phobia about safety and health, especially the future. I lost all my will power and strength as a young man. I even needed a close friend to accompany me wherever I was. My mom had to rub my back & sing lullaby to me to put me to sleep, LOL. The 'prison' was real to me. So I truly understand what fear can do to a person. I lived that 'prison' myself. After T & H, I learn so much from kind members and I research a lot to understand how the mind works. I don't just learn about T. I learn about how to counter the anxiety symptoms and distorted thoughts. These new life skills such as CBT, mindfulness, and other coping skills are now helping me in all the other areas of my life. Now I am free!!!