I Think This Is the End

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#31
Michael Leigh said:
@Nathalie. Didn't know you were a musican and hope you're able to resume playing soon. The violin is a beautiful sounding instrument, although I have a particular liking for the cello, and wish that I had learnt to play. My favourite music is opera and classical. Can you please tell me whether you are a soprano or mezzo-soprano voice? Sofie Van Otter is one of my favourite singers.
Thanks
Michael
Click to expand...
Soprano.
 
#32
Hi Nathalie,

I'm "suffering" from increased tinnitus since the beginning of august. First weeks I slept for 14 hours/day just to get away from this extremely loud (8/10 in percieved loudness). I cried. I paniced. I heard the noise ALL the time. The tinnitus has not changed (at least I don't think so) but now I have some days when I only think about it for maybe 5-10 % of the time. The best days it doesn't bother me at all. Is it because the volume is lower? Is it because it's getting better? Is it pre-habituation? I don't know, and really don't care - as long as I can live my life and be happy.

The point is, you will experience this too. At some point, your tinnitus doesn't bother you. If someone told me that for a month ago, I wouldn't believe them, the same way you don't believe me right now. I still have bad days (today is one of those). But the good days/periods will become longer. Have trust. You will be okay. I promise.
 
#33
I use a bit of violin in my songs, generally getting someone who knows what they are doing to play live and in the studio. I scratch out tunes on a violin, but not really my thing. Guitar, mandolin, lapsteel are my tools of the trade for the country pop tunes I write and for the live covers.
My right ear hurts too much at the moment to spend any real time in the studio I have in the apartment here, and I'm so scared of hurting myself more!! So I'm just gonna let it go for a while and try and improve my mindset. Like you and others on this forum, I'm going through more emotional and physical torment than ever before, but not giving up hope, and as depressing as the lyrics are, am just gonna keep on writing. For me it's the best outlet and and though I can't say definitively, hopefully sometime in the future I'll put some music and my voice to them. I so hope you can do the same. One day at a time!! Easier said than done I know, but please take care.
 
#34
Nathalie said:
Soprano.
Click to expand...
Time is a great healer Nathalie, and I feel what you're going through is temporary so don't give up. Beethoven was still composing and conducting when he had severe tinnitus and eventual deafness. I'm not suggesting that should befall upon you. Believe in yourself although things seem difficult at the moment you will come through this.....
Michael
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but rising every time that we fall...
 
#35
@Nathalie I am happy to know that you really love your mother. I am sure if you start thinking about all the tender moments with her and seeing all her sacrifices she had for you, that you will find way to approach her with that same tenderness and love of a daughter. You are going through a temporary setback in life. Don't let T and your hearing issue derail your destiny. You are super gifted in writing and in music/singing. You also have distinguished look. Try to think of all the positives in life instead of zooming on the negatives.

I am sure as a human being with such talent and inteligence as you have, you wish to live and pursue your dreams. People tend to have dark thoughts when trapped in tough situation, myself included. But very few act out the unthinkable. It is our own instinct to seek survival instead of permanent death. Like you and many T sufferers, with intense suffering from my ultra high pitch dog whistle loud T and severe H, my tired and stressed out brain saw no way out and had suicide ideations. It is its way of running away from seemingly unsolvable pain or suffering. Being a Christian, I wanted to check out what happened if the next life for people who attempted to kill themselves. Then I found hundreds of videos on youtube with people telling their near-death experiences, and while most describe a wonderful realm beyond, those who had attempted suicide unsuccessfully painted an experience so unpleasant that they never want to repeat the act again. From that I decided that I should just stay put and take on whatever life's hardship can throw at me, from unbearable T, H, PTSD (from witnessing the tragic accidental death of my 5 year old son who died in my arm), and from decades of suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

I decided to look for guiding lights, people who have overcome seemingly unsurmountable pain & sufferings in life and what help them triumph over these mountains in life and still excel in living a good life, a life they can still enjoy. It is then I found the concept 'Finding Joy Amid the Pain' from the late Darlene Cohen who suffered acute chronic pain where every movement caused her so much pain she had to be hospitalized and bed ridden, fed and clothed by others around the clock and looking to be living life like that for the rest of her life. And she was just 23 years old when this illness came to her life all of a sudden.

Then I also found out the inspiring story of young and pretty (like you) Zoe Cartwright who turned completely deaf at 15, how she had to deal with totally unmaskable loud T because she couldn't hear anything except her loud T. It was one thing for a young pretty girl to accept total deafness, and it is torture to get through her life without ability to even mask her own T. She told us that she had a hard time with it at first. She is just human like most of us. But then she found the strength and direction in life to pursue film directing and even made it to university where she even shot a short tinnitus film to describe her challenge living with it. But she told others who question how she view her life under constant T that she has learned to accept it and face the reality. She also said she loves her life and enjoys it despite T which she treats as a slice of her life.

Then I also found out the story of the young, talented musician/singer Melody Gardot. Besides having severe T & H and having to deal with wearing earplugs to protect her ears all the time, then at young 19 she got hit by an SUV while biking, leaving massive damage and incredible pain to her body. She had to be hospitalized for over a year with so much pain and hurt daily. Even today she still has to walk limping with a cane. One would think these are enough to ruin any one's life. But Melody focused on music despite the huge challenge of her ears not being able to take the loud noise of the band. Yet she moved on to her singing and music career and excels, becoming famous doing shows all over the world even while she had earplugs all over the place. She also had bad vision of sensitivity to light requiring her to wear sun glasses even indoor while singing. Amazing will to live her dreams depite all the hurdles.

I talk about Zoe and Melody in my success story and post the link of Zoe's film on her tinnitus and also the wonderful performance of Melody in David Letterman's show (who also openly admits he has loud 2-tone T 7/24, lol). In time of despair and darkness, perhaps guiding lights like these ladies can give us the strength to solider on in life. Life is not perfect. It is up to us how to take the curveballs of life and still end up in home runs instead of strikeouts.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

I am sorry to hear your sorrow about your biological father. I hope you won't let the past bury your future. You are so bright and gifted. You can breakout from the burden of parent(s) and succeed in life as these remarkable ladies who had been abandoned by the parents when young and yet live on to pursue their dreams. You can do it too Nathanie. You have rare talent in both writing and music. You can be a musician, singer, even a writer. Don't underestimate your worth and your potential. You just need to have patience with your setback now. God loves you and wants you to succeed in life. Take good care of yourself and give yourself a chance.

Please do check out these two ladies and hope they can brighten your world a bit:



http://www.lifenews.com/2016/08/09/...doption-saved-olympic-superstar-simone-biles/
 
#36
billie48 said:
@Nathalie I am happy to know that you really love your mother. I am sure if you start thinking about all the tender moments with her and seeing all her sacrifices she had for you, that you will find way to approach her with that same tenderness and love of a daughter. You are going through a temporary setback in life. Don't let T and your hearing issue derail your destiny. You are super gifted in writing and in music/singing. You also have distinguished look. Try to think of all the positives in life instead of zooming on the negatives.

I am sure as a human being with such talent and inteligence as you have, you wish to live and pursue your dreams. People tend to have dark thoughts when trapped in tough situation, myself included. But very few act out the unthinkable. It is our own instinct to seek survival instead of permanent death. Like you and many T sufferers, with intense suffering from my ultra high pitch dog whistle loud T and severe H, my tired and stressed out brain saw no way out and had suicide ideations. It is its way of running away from seemingly unsolvable pain or suffering. Being a Christian, I wanted to check out what happened if the next life for people who attempted to kill themselves. Then I found hundreds of videos on youtube with people telling their near-death experiences, and while most describe a wonderful realm beyond, those who had attempted suicide unsuccessfully painted an experience so unpleasant that they never want to repeat the act again. From that I decided that I should just stay put and take on whatever life's hardship can throw at me, from unbearable T, H, PTSD (from witnessing the tragic accidental death of my 5 year old son who died in my arm), and from decades of suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

I decided to look for guiding lights, people who have overcome seemingly unsurmountable pain & sufferings in life and what help them triumph over these mountains in life and still excel in living a good life, a life they can still enjoy. It is then I found the concept 'Finding Joy Amid the Pain' from the late Darlene Cohen who suffered acute chronic pain where every movement caused her so much pain she had to be hospitalized and bed ridden, fed and clothed by others around the clock and looking to be living life like that for the rest of her life. And she was just 23 years old when this illness came to her life all of a sudden.

Then I also found out the inspiring story of young and pretty (like you) Zoe Cartwright who turned completely deaf at 15, how she had to deal with totally unmaskable loud T because she couldn't hear anything except her loud T. It was one thing for a young pretty girl to accept total deafness, and it is torture to get through her life without ability to even mask her own T. She told us that she had a hard time with it at first. She is just human life most of us. But then she found the strength and direction in life to pursue film directing and even made it to university where she even shot a short tinnitus film to describe her challenge living with it. But she told others who question how she view her life under constant T that she has learned to accept it and face the reality. But she she said she loves her life and enjoy it despite T which she treats as a slice of her life.

Then I also found out the story of the young, talented musician/singer Melody Gardot. Besides having severe T & H and having to deal with wearing earplugs to protect her ears all the time, then at young 19 she got hit by an SUV while biking, leaving massive damage and incredible pain to her body. She had to be hospitalized for over a year with so much pain and hurt daily. Even today she still has to walk limping with a crane. One would think these are enough to ruin any one. But Melody focused on music despite the huge challenge of her ears not being able to take the loud noise of the band. Yet she moved on to her singing and music career and excels, becoming famous doing shows all over the world even while she had earplugs all over the place. She also had bad vision of sensitivity to light requiring her to wear sun glasses even indoor while singing. Amazing will to live her dreams.

I talk about Zoe and Melody in my success story and post the link Zoe's film on her tinnitus (as a deaf person would hear), and also the wonderful performance of Melody in David Letterman's show (who also openly admits he has loud 2-tone T 7/24, lol). In time of despair and darkness, perhaps guiding lights like these ladies can give us the strength to solider on in life. Life is not perfect. It is up to us how to take the curveballs of life and still end up in home runs instead of strikeouts.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

I am sorry to hear your sorrow about your biological father. I hope you won't let the past bury your future. You are so bright and gifted. You can breakout from the burden of parent(s) and succeed in life as these remarkable ladies who had been abandoned by the parents when young and yet live on to pursue their dreams. You can do it too Nathanie. You have rare talent in both writing and music. You can be a musician, singer, even a writer. Don't underestimate your worth and your potential. You just need to have patience with your setback now. God loves you and wants you to succeed in life. Take good care of yourself and give yourself a chance.

Please do check out these two ladies and hope they can brighten your world a bit:



http://www.lifenews.com/2016/08/09/...doption-saved-olympic-superstar-simone-biles/
Click to expand...

I am grateful for your post. I cannot thank you enough for sharing these empowering and inspiring stories. I promise I will try to do better. I will try to be patient. I wish you all the best.
 
#37
snow47 said:
Believe me. dying is not easy It's too scary. what after dead? Everything is gone or other world exist? I fear from none existence.
Click to expand...

When there's so many ways to die living is harder IMO so by trying to hold on you show strength.
Death is the only thing worth fighting for in the end.
 
#38
Nathalie said:
I am grateful for your post. I cannot thank you enough for sharing these empowering and inspiring stories. I promise I will try to do better. I will try to be patient. I wish you all the best.
Click to expand...

You are most welcome. Yes, greatness sometimes arises from ruined homes. Look no further than President Obama, whose biological father abandoned him at 3 years old. You can create your own destiny with your potential by trying to be positive and patient during trials and tribulations. God bless.
 
#39
Nathalie said:
I played the violin (the love of my life) and I sang everything from opera to metal. I have very diverese and variable voice that can adapt to almost any piece of music. My favourite songs to sing were in the symphonic metal genre (Nightwish for instance).
Click to expand...

Damn i would love to hear you rap some Snoop Dog / Tupac gangsta sh*it, Girl!)

P.S.

Wish you were in NY, i would make you feel like a real Princess!
 
#41
A brief interruption of our daily programming as we waited for Nathalie to pull out of her funk and recognize that life is still worth living. Nathalie, looks like you are emerging which we are all glad to see. Unfortunately your descent to the bottom at the beginning of this journey is something most of us made and why we speak words of encouragement that you will get your life back.

Speaking of music, no word if Michael practices his soprano falsetto using the shower as a white noise generator inspired on low T days:


And a personal fav as big Doors fan, forgive me, but your rather melodramatic title about This is the End...the following song popped into my mind:
 
#42
Hi Nathalie,

OMG, I'm so sorry for your experience. But I think you have many friends here on this forum.

Someone above said that you need more than this forum could offer. Probably right.

Let me offer this to you: your life is more valuable than any of us know. But maybe we can discuss that off-forum. Please email me at 56dasgpil@gmail.com
 
#43
KyushuKris said:
Listening to you whine about your mother like you're some 5 year old almost makes ME want to kill myself, jeeeeesus. Only 2 months with T-- and you're already planning to tap out? Waaaah, Bitch, get real- try 16 years.

Screw your mother. Move to another town. And stop acting like your she is the one that should be responsible for all the shit decisions that you acquiesced to- the buck stops with you, period. You don't look 5 years old in your profile pic but you sure sound it.

Accept that your life won't be the same as it was before, and adapt. It's simple. You are a human being, and we are ENGINEERED to adapt to things, and believe me, you will- in time, you will.

You seem a smart girl, and also I think you're gorgeous , but you seem so obsessed with petty trivial bullshit and that is dog ugly. I'd hate to see that beautiful face a shade of corpse blue and covered in earthworms- so do yourself a favour, and get the f*ck out of Dodge. Change your life, move around the world, try new jobs, meet new people. Half the time when people are suicidal, it's just that they need a change of pace and to remove certain barriers (including family members) out of their perspective for a while. Sometimes your hobbies can save you, it can be as simple as 'I can't kill myself now, because I've got to finish plastering the wall' - sounds crazy, but that's how you keep the good fight going on.
Click to expand...

Now this is what we call edgy.
 
#48
Nathalie said:
Mostly Verdi and Schubert.
Click to expand...
Thanks Nathalie. They are not my favourite composers but I have some of their works in my collection. I was hoping you would have said: Puccini or Mozart. I love the baroque period and have a special liking for anything by Handel. His arias are sublime. Hope to hear you sing some day.
Take care
Michael
 
#49
Michael Leigh said:
Thanks Nathalie. They are not my favourite composers but I have some of their works in my collection. I was hoping you would have said: Puccini or Mozart. I love the baroque period and have a special liking for anything by Handel. His arias are sublime. Hope to hear you sing some day.
Take care
Michael
Click to expand...
I like the composers you mentioned as well. I hope to sing some day again.
 
#50
Nathalie said:
I like the composers you mentioned as well. I hope to sing some day again.
Click to expand...
You most certainly will sing again Nathalie of that I'm sure. When you do and since you like singing Schubert, please send me a recording of you singing Ave Maria Michael_lee83@yahoo.com

I'll be waiting patiently so please start practicing:)
 
#52
Ed209 said:
You better get a move on @Nathalie, Michael has spoken! ;)
Click to expand...
lol @Ed209 I just hope Nathalie has a good voice because I'm an Audiophile and quite a discerning listener! I don't want to say critical...:D Even though I have tinnitus, according to my ENT consultant, I have above average hearing and I don't miss a thing!
Michael
 
#55
I am sure @Nathalie that you are a gifted singer. Keep at it. Don't let T deter you from that. I hope you can read up more on Melody Gardot and her story to motivate you to pursue your dream as a singer despite the challenge of T, But I am more curious why your English writing is so outstanding as an Estonian. Have you gone studied your English abroad? You definitely should try to write some books as writing can help you rant your feelings too to help release the stress. Try self publishing online if you do wish to try this avenue. Here is the story of an ordinary young girl who has made millions doing self-publishing online when the regular publishers turned her down. So many people are now reading ebooks instead of the paper-back books. So good writers definitely can attract a lot of following. Don't underestimate your potential in this area as in a short thread such as this you have already impressed so many of us about your amazing ability to write being so young. I will cheer you on if you so choose this direction other than your music avenue. Not saying that it is going to be easy and be as successful as this girl who seems to be a pioneer on Amazon, but at least it is not an expensive way to explore into something you are good at and which you can distract yourself from zooming on your T. So if you are interested, here is the link to the story:

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/jan/12/amanda-hocking-self-publishing
 
#56
Ah Nathalie, I still maintain that you will be fine. As soon as you let go of the melodrama, your ear problems will start to fade, and your life will return to normal.
 
#58
Foncky said:
F%#*, there are so many people who want to marry Nathalie now.
:p
Click to expand...
@Foncky
Indeed Foncky. Nathalie has quite a following and I believe for all the right reasons. Some people are, shall we say, susceptible to a pretty face but I am not one of them. I tend to look deeper to see what's beneath the surface and at one's character because this is the true measure of a human being. Some of the prettiest people in this world are the most selfish, vain and absolutely useless. The fact that Nathalie expresses herself eloquently in writing and is gifted in the arts: a musician and singer, suggests that's she's a giver and not a taker. Therefore, I tend to believe she is not self-centred.

Michael
 
#59
Michael Leigh said:
@Foncky
Indeed Foncky. Nathalie has quite a following and I believe for all the right reasons. Some people are, shall we say, susceptible to a pretty face but I am not one of them. I tend to look deeper to see what's beneath the surface and at one's character because this is the true measure of a human being. Some of the prettiest people in this world are the most selfish, vain and absolutely useless. The fact that Nathalie expresses herself eloquently in writing and is gifted in the arts: a musician and singer, suggests that's she's a giver and not a taker. Therefore, I tend to believe she is not self-centred.

Michael
Click to expand...
I don't completely agree with your assessment but best not elaborate. :D
 
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