Suicidal

#4,111
That ENT should suffer from Tinnitus for years for that comment! I've actually stopped allowing people without tinnitus to define my pain. I know my tinnitus can be "mild"; but my pain is not.
Kriszti said:
I'm furious at your ENT. I'm not saying that cancer is not horrible, I'm not saying that tinnitus is worse than cancer, because it's not a competition. But belittling your troubles which makes you suicidal is clearly just an inhumane, immoral thing to do. I give him that he is suffering on behalf of his wife, but this is inexcusable. "Little ringing"? Ok, nice, he should try not sleeping for months, not even with meds, experiencing life falling apart in every part, try the 'mind over body" idea with 24/7 sounds screaming at him, and the constant fckg fear of what can go even more wrong. I may be a bit harsh on him, because he clearly has problems in his life as well, but if he can't emphatize with his patients' "little" problems, he shouldn't be practicing medicine.

What can we expect from regular people, laymen if this is what medical professionals think about the issue. This makes me so sad.

I'm really, really sorry that you had to go through this.
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You're not harsh on him. You got the totally right idea. What a total asshole that ENT was.
 
#4,112
Johan001 said:
When I came to see the private ENT at a prominent hospital in London, and was severely distressed, he said: "do you have breast cancer? No? Well, my wife has it, so that's more serious than your little ringing". This was in the first week of my onset and I nearly broke in tears there. Well, I suppose I'm not "tough enough" then.

Tinnitus comes in various shapes and it looks like the majority of people associate it with a slight monotone beep. If I had that, I wouldn't be on this thread. So, the outside world needs more awareness of the severity of this condition.
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I made my awareness video:
'Dave's Tinnitus Story'
to try to get ordinary people (including my wife and kids) to understand just what degree of noise we have to cope with.
It was very traumatic for me to admit and expose my predicament even to myself.
I put the shaver comparison in there as the example is absolutely true.
If you watch my face, listen to my voice, you will see that I came very close to cracking up.
I did breakdown but I insisted it be left off the film.

I hope I managed to get through to people, but of course I am very aware that they may feel some empathy for us, but five minutes later can walk away and forget about it for the rest of their lives.
In the meantime, we, my lovely injured friends, are stuck.

I had hoped that more Tinnitus Talk members would come out and do a similar thing, but having 'put myself through the mangle' I don't really blame anybody for avoiding the trauma.

Love to everybody

Dave xx
Jazzer
 
#4,114
Johan001 said:
When I came to see the private ENT at a prominent hospital in London, and was severely distressed, he said: "do you have breast cancer? No? Well, my wife has it, so that's more serious than your little ringing". This was in the first week of my onset and I nearly broke in tears there. Well, I suppose I'm not "tough enough" then.

Tinnitus comes in various shapes and it looks like the majority of people associate it with a slight monotone beep. If I had that, I wouldn't be on this thread. So, the outside world needs more awareness of the severity of this condition.
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Wow, that's horrible. At least if I was told that I could bounce back with several things (including a condition that causes (benign) tumour growth). There is no way to compare suffering. Cancer is horrible, so is having to adjust everything in your life and having to let go of many simple things because of tinnitus.

I wish mine was just a slight ringing in silence, but even that is hard to deal with (my friends with that kind of mild tinnitus also really struggle with it, so go figure what it's like for us off worse)
 
#4,115
Yeah. I think.... we surely can somehow adjust to this and carry on living and enjoy what we can, right? I mean, as much as want silence, suicide is such a last resort.

I have been reading about people who actually did it, the news reports and few members here. I totally understand them and it breaks my heart to see that, especially as I can relate to this so much.

But at the other hand, there are so many success stories from people who habituate well and carry on with their lives.
 
#4,116
Johan001 said:
Yeah. I think.... we surely can somehow adjust to this and carry on living and enjoy what we can, right? I mean, as much as want silence, suicide is such a last resort.

I have been reading about people who actually did it, the news reports and few members here. I totally understand them and it breaks my heart to see that, especially as I can relate to this so much.

But at the other hand, there are so many success stories from people who habituate well and carry on with their lives.
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There's no habituation to something like severe hyperacusis. It impairs your life greatly. In ALL areas, whether you want it or not. Not something you can just get used to.

Suicide is LAST resort... should be it... and that's where I am at. I have no other ideas left and this life is not something I can take much longer.
 
#4,117
Johan001 said:
Yeah. I think.... we surely can somehow adjust to this and carry on living and enjoy what we can, right? I mean, as much as want silence, suicide is such a last resort.

I have been reading about people who actually did it, the news reports and few members here. I totally understand them and it breaks my heart to see that, especially as I can relate to this so much.

But at the other hand, there are so many success stories from people who habituate well and carry on with their lives.
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Could totally habituate if my tinnitus wasn't as loud most of the time, and didn't fluctuate by the hour. There's a lot I've stopped enjoying as a result of the loudness/intrusiveness of my tinnitus unfortunately, and many of these things were my ways to cope with life in general. So it's a tough thing.

That said it's still pretty early days for both of us (or so everyone says) and many people report getting better months past the stage you and I are at respectively, so who knows. Just wish I got to enjoy more of my youth.
 
#4,120
Johan001 said:
Yeah. I think.... we surely can somehow adjust to this and carry on living and enjoy what we can, right? I mean, as much as want silence, suicide is such a last resort.

I have been reading about people who actually did it, the news reports and few members here. I totally understand them and it breaks my heart to see that, especially as I can relate to this so much.

But at the other hand, there are so many success stories from people who habituate well and carry on with their lives.
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When they do it, they never determine tinnitus as the cause. Coroners record unknown or 'mental illness."
 
#4,121
I am feeling depressed other than my loud tinnitus problem. Family health problem. I am already alone and feel alone. I guess it will make my tinnitus worse or I won't have a chance at 'positive' fluctuation whatever that would be.
 
#4,122
If I commit suicide, not only will the tinnitus be gone but I won't be feeling this depression about my family situation anymore so it's a win-win.
 
#4,123
To Johan001:

Thanks very much for this latest report on a suicide resulting from this condition. It is very curious that on numerous occasions the British Media has been honest enough to report these devastating consequences whereas the American Media never runs such notices.

How many of these tragic reports does the Medical Community have to be made aware of before they recognize the huge imperative for research and treatment?
 
#4,124
I may be the next one @DaveFromChicago every time I'm waking up in panic to the jet engine sound in my head I'm thinking, this is it, I can't bear it any more.

I know people will deem you "weak" if you do this, but this is just beyond what a human being can endure.

I had a chat with my girlfriend who is caring but also pushing me to "toughen up". Her friend said it looks like I'm asking too much for sympathy and complain too much and need to be a man, saying nothing in life is easy and giving an example of her overcoming illnesses. As much as I understand it from an outsider's perspective, this just breaks my heart. I have overcome lots of illnesses and spent lots of times in hospitals as a child and in my teens. I never complained back then.

This time it's a different story. Of course, I will be weak if I pull the plug, I'm certain my family and friends will feel that too, this holds me back a little, as I know some people survive severe tinnitus and carry on living. I may be one of them if I survive this.

I woke up in panic today to a raging jet engine tinnitus. I actually want to die to stop it all.
 
#4,125
#4,126
Johan001 said:
I may be the next one @DaveFromChicago every time I'm waking up in panic to the jet engine sound in my head I'm thinking, this is it, I can't bear it any more.

I know people will deem you "weak" if you do this, but this is just beyond what a human being can endure.

I had a chat with my girlfriend who is caring but also pushing me to "toughen up". Her friend said it looks like I'm asking too much for sympathy and complain too much and need to be a man, saying nothing in life is easy and giving an example of her overcoming illnesses. As much as I understand it from an outsider's perspective, this just breaks my heart. I have overcome lots of illnesses and spent lots of times in hospitals as a child and in my teens. I never complained back then.

This time it's a different story. Of course, I will be weak if I pull the plug, I'm certain my family and friends will feel that too, this holds me back a little, as I know some people survive severe tinnitus and carry on living. I may be one of them if I survive this.

I woke up in panic today to a raging jet engine tinnitus. I actually want to die to stop it all.
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Johan, you describe the sound as a jet engine, so I guess, it's low frequency and vibrating. Does it happen to stop if you plug your ears or cover your ears really tightly?
 
#4,127
Hi Pete... I feel ya on this one. My tinnitus is so bad, the only way I can sleep, I have to rely on sleeping pills. My heart goes out to you, but please try some of the things that the forum has to offer. It's horrible that we all are going through this nightmare. I'm not gonna give up, but, I am open to any help I can get. To say my life is a living hell, is putting it mildly/ God bless you.
 
#4,128
Johan001 said:
I may be the next one @DaveFromChicago
I know people will deem you "weak" if you do this, but this is just beyond what a human being can endure.

I had a chat with my girlfriend who is caring but also pushing me to "toughen up". Her friend said it looks like I'm asking too much for sympathy and complain too much and need to be a man, saying nothing in life is easy and giving an example of her overcoming illnesses.
Click to expand...
This type of rhetoric is beyond frustrating indeed and it is just one more reason (as if we need any more), why severe tinnitus is quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to a human being.

Take the toughest person on this planet, torture them with the most horrible 24/7 sounds they can imagine (so they can't sleep and relax) and I promise you that they will have a mental breakdown within one week.
Now tell them this is for the rest of their life and they will beg you to kill them.

It is very easy for a well rested person to tell you their "suffering" story about the time they had a knee surgery and had to spend 10 days in the hospital in pain (for which they received pain killers and which they knew was going away at some point)

Those people speak out of ignorance, as they have no point of reference for this horrid condition.
They don't understand how a sound inside your head can destroy everything you ever worked for in the matter of weeks, including relationships with friends and family.
They don't understand what lack of sleep with no way to relax will do to you mentally and physically.

They also don't understand the surreal irony of a hopeless situation, in which those whom are actually supposed to help you, are making jokes at your expense instead, while telling you to "learn to live with it".
 
#4,129
Indeed Harley. The worst thing I have heard was "he's a grown man not a boy, should be tough". Basically I'm being critised for "still" being negative after 6 weeks of the onset.
 
#4,132
Johan001 said:
Indeed Harley. The worst thing I have heard was "he's a grown man not a boy, should be tough". Basically I'm being critised for "still" being negative after 6 weeks of the onset.
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The person whom said this to you would of course start singing a very different tune rather quickly, if they got what you have.
Sometimes ignorance is a bliss I suppose.
 
#4,133
Johan001 said:
Hi Kriszti, nothing changes it. Neither ear plugs nor just closing the ears. I also hear a clock ticking sound inside my head in addition.
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I'm sorry, I thought that you may have something similar to my recurring tinnitus.

And don't pay attention to anyone who says you are weak. You are not. This is not normal to have unrelenting sounds blasting at us all the time. People can't just accept that it's a serious condition, and try to persuade themselves that X time is enough for anyone to get used to it or heal. They just don't know what they are talking about.

If this was put on us by other people as a punishment, it would be considered torture and a serious human rights violation.
 
#4,134
Mister Muso said:
So I had one of those dark thoughts today.

I've recently been put on furlough and told if my employer can't find another role for me, I'll lose my job on 3rd June. Not sure of all the reasons for this - COVID-19 is the obvious one, there are a few of us in this situation - but I have been falling out with members of the support team who I work with occasionally. I got some negative feedback from them at my performance review, though my boss understands the difficulties I've had with tinnitus, with my mother passing away and other challenges lately.

I've never been made redundant or had periods of unemployment since my first job, and I'm getting a bit old now to change jobs, though my last four job interviews resulted in a job offer within a few days. It's a different jobs market now though. As a computer programmer, I've not really kept up with modern languages like I should. I'm redressing that now, doing online training whilst being on furlough.

The kids' school fees are the biggest worry. We have enough savings to cover the next year in addition to my wife's salary. But I just had the horrible thought today that, if I was to be no longer on this earth, the life insurance payments would be enough to cover the following two years as well, which would see them through school. I've been in tears with myself for going down that dark path once again.

Thanks for reading. I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this except you folks here.
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Update on the above: first thanks to those who read and responded. I truly appreciate it.

The good news is I have a new post to go to with my internal employer. It was supposed to have started by now, but someone (not me) messed up the security clearances, so I'm still on furlough on reduced pay. But I will definitely be starting this new role very soon, and so my financial future is not in jeopardy any more.

I've been using the furlough time to catch up on sleep (always challenging as we all know, but easier when can crash out for an occasional afternoon nap). Also odd jobs around the house, training, helping with family chores, and we have bought new bikes with the holiday money we would have spent flying from Scotland to the US this year, which due to COVID-19 we have cancelled.

I'm thankful that my dark thoughts only come along every now and again, but hopeful for the future and keeping everyone on this thread in my thoughts and prayers.
 
#4,135
If_Today_Gets_Difficult.png
 
#4,137
TheDanishGirl said:
Wish I could enjoy several of these, but I can't due to floaters and other visual disturbances (which is worst in sunshine and looking at the sky), and hyperacusis (songs and laughter).
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I know I thought about that after reading it through the second time. For example some of the music I used to enjoy the most is impossible to experience in the same way today.

The bottom line always applies though.
 
#4,138
Sometimes I wish everyone in this thread could just meet up and do a gigantic group hug. I'm so sorry for all of you, nobody deserves this.
 
#4,139
Mister Muso said:
I know I thought about that after reading it through the second time. For example some of the music I used to enjoy the most is impossible to experience in the same way today.

The bottom line always applies though.
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You are right about that. I want to try my best to find just a tad bit of enjoyment during these utter miserable days whether being able to gather my thoughts and read a book maybe 15 minutes, a good meal, watching a good movie (with the sound on very low volume). I just feel I fall short at this point... it's so hard this life. It's so inhumanely hard! :(
 
#4,140
Lurius said:
Sometimes I wish everyone in this thread could just meet up and do a gigantic group hug. I'm so sorry for all of you, nobody deserves this.
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Exactly how I feel always. I just want to reach through the screen and give you all a heartfelt compassionate deep hug (and let's face it, a bit of it is selfish... I need it just as much myself)
 

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