Suicidal

[dan]

I'm quite an open book so I'll definitely not be disappearing without notice. I pray I can be a success story in anyway, but with how bad I'm feeling and how I'm getting worse every day, I dunno. I have such a wonderful life and thousands of people that love me and would be devastated if I go... but this suffering & isolation is immensely driving me crazy. I can't even think straight one bit anymore and the tinnitus gets louder and louder with this slow benzo taper. I dunno how I'll survive. Thank you for your kind words. I never would have imagined this could happen. This is like the worst hang over x100 that never goes away and has never gotten better, only worse. I'm at a loss. I want to live so bad but this electrical shrill is insanity level. No one could deal with this well. Pure suffering. No comfort, no peace.

I am suffering so bad. I don't know. Fick I'm scared. This might be my last weekend. I love everyone.

Why is there no help and no understanding!? No awareness of how bad these conditions can get! I can't believe this is my fate. All I had to do was move to the woods as soon as I got tinnitus, that was all I had to do and was already a goal all my life FML

Just pull through the taper mate. Tapering off Klonopin, etc, jacks up tinnitus tenfold, so just be looking forward to alleviation once you are off of them. Quitting benzos messes with brain receptors big time. People have actually gotten tinnitus after quitting benzos. Hang in there, don't give up.

 

[Travis Henry]

Just pull through the taper mate. Tapering off Klonopin, etc, jacks up tinnitus tenfold, so just be looking forward to alleviation once you are off of them. Quitting benzos messes with brain receptors big time. People have actually gotten tinnitus after quitting benzos. Hang in there, don't give up.

It's to loud to sleep and too reactive. It has only gotten louder. I'm dying mate. Even before them sticking me on benzos I was struggling big time.

 

[dan]

Are you saying you need to protect from loud noise for 2 years and then you can adjust for the next year? In increments? I am just trying to follow the course for healing you are proposing here.

Correct. You are not going to get worse hyperacusis by avoiding loud noises in any case.
I am not telling you to wear hearing protection all waking hours for the next 2 years, I am suggesting you use protection when you know you are going to be exposed to loud noises. Its hard to predict situations, but use common sense. For example if you are in a bookstore, you know people are not going to be shouting. However, if you are walking by a baseball diamond you know there is a very high risk of someone shouting or if you are walking by a busy road, there is a high chance of honking or a truck air brakes releasing. Walking thru a parking lot you will surely get hit by a car lock chirp- Ford and Honda's have a really loud chirp.
Everytime you leave your safe house into an uncontrolled environment, you need to plan ahead and have earplugs/muffs on standby.
PS. There are a few OFF LIMITS places for the next two years, even with hearing protection:
Concerts, movie theatres, loud music parties, shooting ranges, propeller airplanes, construction sites, basically any environment louder than 100db- is a risk even with hearing protection during the recovery stage. After the 2 years, you will know what things give you spikes and what things have no effect on you...every tinnitus is different. Some T people still use power tools with no protection, or get an Mri with no adverse effect.

 

[dan]

It's to loud to sleep and too reactive. It has only gotten louder. I'm dying mate. Even before them sticking me on benzos I was struggling big time.

How would you rate your tinnitus if you were to approximate on a dB scale, I'm just curious?

 

[Ava Lugo]

I'm quite an open book so I'll definitely not be disappearing without notice. I pray I can be a success story in anyway, but with how bad I'm feeling and how I'm getting worse every day, I dunno. I have such a wonderful life and thousands of people that love me and would be devastated if I go... but this suffering & isolation is immensely driving me crazy. I can't even think straight one bit anymore and the tinnitus gets louder and louder with this slow benzo taper. I dunno how I'll survive. Thank you for your kind words. I never would have imagined this could happen. This is like the worst hang over x100 that never goes away and has never gotten better, only worse. I'm at a loss. I want to live so bad but this electrical shrill is insanity level. No one could deal with this well. Pure suffering. No comfort, no peace.

I am suffering so bad. I don't know. Fick I'm scared. This might be my last weekend. I love everyone.

Why is there no help and no understanding!? No awareness of how bad these conditions can get! I can't believe this is my fate. All I had to do was move to the woods as soon as I got tinnitus, that was all I had to do and was already a goal all my life FML

This is really sad We all care about you very much Travis.

 

[Travis Henry]

How would you rate your tinnitus if you were to approximate on a dB scale, I'm just curious?

It is about 80 dB it feels like.

 

[WisconsinGuy]

I'm quite an open book so I'll definitely not be disappearing without notice. I pray I can be a success story in anyway, but with how bad I'm feeling and how I'm getting worse every day, I dunno. I have such a wonderful life and thousands of people that love me and would be devastated if I go... but this suffering & isolation is immensely driving me crazy. I can't even think straight one bit anymore and the tinnitus gets louder and louder with this slow benzo taper. I dunno how I'll survive. Thank you for your kind words. I never would have imagined this could happen. This is like the worst hang over x100 that never goes away and has never gotten better, only worse. I'm at a loss. I want to live so bad but this electrical shrill is insanity level. No one could deal with this well. Pure suffering. No comfort, no peace.

I am suffering so bad. I don't know. Fick I'm scared. This might be my last weekend. I love everyone.

Why is there no help and no understanding!? No awareness of how bad these conditions can get! I can't believe this is my fate. All I had to do was move to the woods as soon as I got tinnitus, that was all I had to do and was already a goal all my life FML

I'm very familiar with you story as you came here around the same time as me.

The one thing you have going for you is it is still VERY early for you. It's only been a handful of months and while I'm sure it seems like an eternity with what you are dealing with, you still have a chance of this getting better. Hang in there dude, at least give yourself the chance to heal before you make a decision. It can take a long time for your ears to heal. I'm rooting for you and I believe you can get better.

 

[dan]

It is about 80 dB it feels like.

Yes, that is certainly the high end of the scale. I don't think it can get louder than that. Right now you're spiking due to withdrawal. Tinnitus tends to have a slingshot effect, which means it will get better than what you had previously and that level would feel like a walk in the park compared to what you got now.

You just need to hang in there and let your brain do the rest.

I have never seen a case yet where 80 dB tinnitus was permanent for life.

Every single severe case improved, but it follows a certain curve.

 

[Jerad]

This is so hard to deal with. We've been robbed of the most simple things in life. The bare essentials of living. Things people take for granted, big and small. Things luxurious and priceless, the latter being the hardest pill to swallow. Chatting with someone face-to-face or going for a walk (without extreme restrictions). Coexisting with the world, not by surviving, but by fitting-in, genuinely, as one should. We feel like intruders, though, like we're somewhere we don't belong.

Imagine a world where you're allergic to most sounds due to damage within the ear. The nerves aren't working right or the cochlea, or maybe their synapses. We don't really know for sure; much is not understood about the ears. But we live in a different realm, nonetheless, and it doesn't work the same for us. We can't power through it, as it increases the damage more and more. The body's broken down, the damage reluctant to heal. It's like a broken clock: It does not tick, won't tell time, lost its purpose; its sense of to-and-from; place within eternity; role within its sacred plot. The hours pass unabated, their moments white and washed, their faces blank and broken, their hands in states of shock. It knows not who it is anymore — no soul to drive it, no present to poke and prod; no future to absorb.

 

[Travis Henry]

I'm very familiar with you story as you came here around the same time as me.

The one thing you have going for you is it is still VERY early for you. It's only been a handful of months and while I'm sure it seems like an eternity with what you are dealing with, you still have a chance of this getting better. Hang in there dude, at least give yourself the chance to heal before you make a decision. It can take a long time for your ears to heal. I'm rooting for you and I believe you can get better.

I'd be ok if I hadn't have made it worse in April. The January loud non-reactive tinnitus with mild hyperacusis was enough to deal with but I was stupid and let people push me to go out to loud places. I have had so many worsenings. Now it's screaming!

I dunno how to make it 2 years like this while it's screaming this loud. I am running outta resources and my family is trying to help, but they just keep blaming OCD and depression and trying to push me on benzos. Not helping me to get to a quiet place and not believing me has hurt my heart so much. I've had so much shit shoot me down in life that this was the last straw. I am going to fight as long as I can, but this is so loud. It's insane.

Why does everyone have to gaslight you when you get this condition? Like my tinnitus is loud even if I didn't have depression or OCD... Anyone would get depression and anxiety if they got bad tinnitus.

 

[GuitarMan]

I'd be ok if I hadn't have made it worse in April. The January loud non-reactive tinnitus with mild hyperacusis was enough to deal with but I was stupid and let people push me to go out to loud places. I have had so many worsenings. Now it's screaming!

I dunno how to make it 2 years like this while it's screaming this loud. I am running outta resources and my family is trying to help, but they just keep blaming OCD and depression and trying to push me on benzos. Not helping me to get to a quiet place and not believing me has hurt my heart so much. I've had so much shit shoot me down in life that this was the last straw. I am going to fight as long as I can, but this is so loud. It's insane.

Why does everyone have to gaslight you when you get this condition? Like my tinnitus is loud even if I didn't have depression or OCD... Anyone would get depression and anxiety if they got bad tinnitus.

People who don't have it will never understand it. What I did to help my girlfriend understand it is open up a tone generator app and play a tone at 10.7 kHz about as loud as how I perceive my tinnitus tone (which is roughly at 10.7 kHz). She said it bothered her and asked me to turn it off. I left it on for a few more seconds as I explained that I had no way to turn it off in my own hearing and imagine how she'd feel if she could never turn it off.

On the bright side, when I did turn it off I had a magical 45 seconds of silence due to residual inhibition until it came back. I'm not sure how the brain can figure out how to block out the noise for a few seconds of residual inhibition but can't figure out how to do it permanently.

 

[scotty03874]

I'd be ok if I hadn't have made it worse in April. The January loud non-reactive tinnitus with mild hyperacusis was enough to deal with but I was stupid and let people push me to go out to loud places. I have had so many worsenings. Now it's screaming!

I dunno how to make it 2 years like this while it's screaming this loud. I am running outta resources and my family is trying to help, but they just keep blaming OCD and depression and trying to push me on benzos. Not helping me to get to a quiet place and not believing me has hurt my heart so much. I've had so much shit shoot me down in life that this was the last straw. I am going to fight as long as I can, but this is so loud. It's insane.

Why does everyone have to gaslight you when you get this condition? Like my tinnitus is loud even if I didn't have depression or OCD... Anyone would get depression and anxiety if they got bad tinnitus.

Benzos help me tremendously for hours when I'm freaking out. You should try some Klonopin to start with Travis. Also buy some Calm Magnesium powder from Amazon. It calms my down tinnitus a lot.

 

[3mmalee]

Here's another suicidal one because of MEM. =( I can't take it and I'm scared. Everyday I live in fear of my own body and my whole life is about chasing sleep.

Hang in there guys =(

 

[Jerad]

So many tinnitus and hyperacusis sufferers can relate to this scene if you know the movie well, "The Shawshank Redemption." It's like we're in prison and wanna escape to paradise someday.

This scene was pure magic. Against all odds, they escaped hell and made the impossible possible, reuniting in paradise essentially, the exact opposite setting that they once inhabited, the prison of all prisons. With a beautiful score to capture the moment, too, this scene makes your hairs stand on end with every viewing. Goosebumps. Imagine: the darkness Andy and Red had faced; the horrors they were subjected to; the mind-numbing realities that plagued their minds, believing — or fearing — that they'd never reclaim their lives again... ever. it's a darkness that's hard to imagine and a situation that most will never find themselves in. Deep down, Andy and Red dreamt of this outcome on many occasions, even talked about it, but it seemed so out of reach, like a Sunday pipe-dream. That's why this scene was so special — because it shows us that hope is alive and dreams never die. They can come to fruition.

 

[Travis Henry]

Here's another suicidal one because of MEM. =( I can't take it and I'm scared. Everyday I live in fear of my own body and my whole life is about chasing sleep.

Hang in there guys =(

MEM?

Love you.

 

[bobvann]

Nothing works for some of us. Sound therapy, CBT oil, taking Turmeric / anti-inflammation food etc.

 

[Damocles]

MEM?

Middle Ear Myoclonus.

Love you.

Love you too.

 

[3mmalee]

MEM?

Love you.

Yes middle ear myoclonus, a type of tinnitus. <3

 

[tpj]

I hate waking up so much. I hear that evil and never want to wake up. Wish I could sleep till a cure was found. Oh, that's right. Reality check. Guess I'll be sleeping forever.

 

[Travis Henry]

I hate waking up so much. I hear that evil and never want to wake up. Wish I could sleep till a cure was found. Oh, that's right. Reality check. Guess I'll be sleeping forever.

I feel this. I can't even get to sleep nowadays with how bad mine is.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I hate waking up so much. I hear that evil and never want to wake up. Wish I could sleep till a cure was found. Oh, that's right. Reality check. Guess I'll be sleeping forever.

That OTO-313 news was a major blow to the gut.

 

[tpj]

That OTO-313 news was a major blow to the gut.

Yep. You know not to be hopeful because of the realities of this condition but reading that shit about OTO-313, you can't help but feel despair.

 

[Travis Henry]

I feel so screwed over by the world. I feel being pushed to get the COVID-19 vaccine set off tinnitus and sound sensitivity in me that I probably never woulda had a problem with this early in life. I already had a stressed nervous system from years of dealing with senseless narcissistic drama that my brother pulled since birth. Now I am stuck in a noisy city that I can't tolerate because my sound tolerance is completely shot. I dunno how to heal because my parents pushed me on benzos after the reactivity started. I just can't fucking win in life. Why is it nice people get screwed over so much. I shoulda sold my house last year and moved to the country as soon as possible and I woulda been ok & wouldn't have gotten pushed to get the vaccine. FML I want to live so much, but I got screwed from every single angle.

 

[LilCC]

Yep. You know not to be hopeful because of the realities of this condition but reading that shit about OTO-313, you can't help but feel despair.

Wait, what happened with OTO-313?

 

[2noist]

Wait, what happened with OTO-313?

It failed unfortunately.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/posts/659108/

 

[GuitarMan]

Wait, what happened with OTO-313?

Epic fail.

Most promising things on the horizon now are Susan Shore's device and Lenire, both of which I have serious skepticism about, Neosensory which nothing I've seen about it indicates to me that for $500 it's any better than free home-made notched sound therapy, and XEN1011 which has been in the works since 2013, so almost 10 years now, and is starting to look to me like the medical equivalent of vaporware. Sorry, guess I'm a little pessimistic tonight.

What has been somewhat effective for me are various combinations of Mirtazapine and Melatonin for sleep, Clonazepam + Gabapentin which does temporarily reduce the volume and severity of it, residual inhibition for the occasional 45 seconds to several minutes of much needed silence, and jury is still out on my home-made notched white noise therapy. For sleeping I will also play nature sounds from the ReSound app, usually cricket sounds with some other kind of sound in the background like waves or a stream or waterfall.

After two very bad weeks of complete and utter exhaustion and no sleep, last night I got the first half-decent night of sleep, only woke up 2 or 3 times and despite the tinnitus sound I was able to get back to sleep relatively quickly. I was also playing the notched white noise all night. And today I finally managed to get in my first real workout in weeks (used to work out 2 or 3 times a week without fail) and am actually feeling pretty good right now. a 0.5mg Clonazepam with a glass of wine has the tinnitus tone greatly reduced although still ever-present.

So yeah, pessimistic about all the new research but semi-optimistic that I've found ways to at least manage it and make it somewhat tolerable some of the time. Sunday night it was in rare form and I didn't have access to any of the tools and medications that work but when I got home I did my usual regimen of meds and sound therapy and finally slept a little.

 

[Ava Lugo]

Still being driven mad here too. Had a rumbling hum for many years that only reared its ugly head during colds and would go away like clockwork after about 4 weeks.

Then I had the vax in May 2021 and 2 days later all hell broke lose, rumbling hum came back, and on top of that hissing tinnitus along with reactive tinnitus like a dentist drill to everything I hear, along with harsh distorted sound. Life is ruined.

We all seem to be in a very similar boat in many ways sadly. I wish I knew what to do to stop this 24/7 noise that I can't mask.

Me too. It's really been hell. I don't know how people with unmaskable tinnitus cope sometimes. It wouldn't bother me one bit if I could mask it.

 

[Travis Henry]

I dunno what to do anymore. Every second of everyday is pure torture.

 

[Shizune]

Enjoyed a month of paradise. Found a good supplement regimen. GABA, L-Tryptophan, microdosed Psilocybin weekly. Listened to my audiologist for the hell of it and stopped wearing protection and saw a huge increase in tolerance. So I thought I was in the clear, began to believe in all that. Focused on healing my brain. Added Boswellia, Fish oil, B12.

My night time seizure symptoms completely vanished, took the edge off of harsh sounds. Didn't push my luck too far or did anything crazy. Had my PC at 18ish volume listening to music regularly for sound enrichment, a dramatic jump from only being able to tolerate around 5 before. The most I was taking in was I reckon 30-40 dB from the motorcycle assholes outside.

Well lookie here. Something in me broke around last week. Spasms came back at night, mildly at first. Then full swing. Didn't want to believe it, so I tried a Atamet's Stack with my last edible. Niacin just made me jittery and I felt awful. This week, barely a wink of sleep. Insomnia is back, which I usually get with setbacks. My tried and true miracle supplements, which even worked through setbacks, no longer do a damn thing. My brain decided they've overstayed their welcome, and that it's time for them to not work. As it always goes. Time to add more ex-supplements to my list.

Really, wish I just stayed bad and didn't get a taste of that. The euphoria and hope I had. Thinking things are actually getting better and that I'm in the clear if I keep it up... all just dashed in an instant. Fuck my sensitive brain, ears, whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I wanna die even more now. Quit dangling the damn carrot in front of me and just let me die in peace.

Now then, time to enjoy the sound of action movies being blasted at 3AM by the people I live with, with each S and gunshot sound piercing through my skull, and the sweet screech of my tinnitus.

EDIT: Oh cool OTO-313 failed too. Fuck it all.

 

[LilCC]

Enjoyed a month of paradise. Found a good supplement regimen. GABA, L-Tryptophan, microdosed Psilocybin weekly. Listened to my audiologist for the hell of it and stopped wearing protection and saw a huge increase in tolerance. So I thought I was in the clear, began to believe in all that. Focused on healing my brain. Added Boswellia, Fish oil, B12.

My night time seizure symptoms completely vanished, took the edge off of harsh sounds. Didn't push my luck too far or did anything crazy. Had my PC at 18ish volume listening to music regularly for sound enrichment, a dramatic jump from only being able to tolerate around 5 before. The most I was taking in was I reckon 30-40 dB from the motorcycle assholes outside.

Well lookie here. Something in me broke around last week. Spasms came back at night, mildly at first. Then full swing. Didn't want to believe it, so I tried a Atamet's Stack with my last edible. Niacin just made me jittery and I felt awful. This week, barely a wink of sleep. Insomnia is back, which I usually get with setbacks. My tried and true miracle supplements, which even worked through setbacks, no longer do a damn thing. My brain decided they've overstayed their welcome, and that it's time for them to not work. As it always goes. Time to add more ex-supplements to my list.

Really, wish I just stayed bad and didn't get a taste of that. The euphoria and hope I had. Thinking things are actually getting better and that I'm in the clear if I keep it up... all just dashed in an instant. Fuck my sensitive brain, ears, whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I wanna die even more now. Quit dangling the damn carrot in front of me and just let me die in peace.

Now then, time to enjoy the sound of action movies being blasted at 3AM by the people I live with, with each S and gunshot sound piercing through my skull, and the sweet screech of my tinnitus.

EDIT: Oh cool OTO-313 failed too. Fuck it all.

Story of my life. I don't remember how many times I felt like I was healing just to be brought back to hell. It seems as though this will be the cycle for me until 1) there are treatments or 2) I off myself. There isn't really any more options.