Suicidal

[PeteJ]

For me it was ototoxic meds that made my tinnitus severe, and I just took half the daily dose of lexapro(Escitalopram in Sweden) for five days, and Phenergan(Lergigan in Sweden) for two nights to sleep better, it was sadly enough to give me a really bad reaction. You don't have to take it for many months, it's just like acoustic trauma, some people never get tinnitus, even if they play the drums for 50 years, when others can get it from just one club night, a single gunshot, or taking a sleeping pill for the first time. Bad genes or bad luck I guess? Maybe it's the combination that is really dangerous, that many of these meds can amplify preexisting tinnitus, and the risk for severe damage is a lot smaller if you don't have broken ears to begin with?

It's hard to draw a line here, the only truth seems to be that some people are sensitive to medication, and the medical industry must know this, that at least somebody will get these reactions, and bad enough to get there lives destroyed. But there are always casualties in war, and to make an omelette you have to crack a few eggs. In the big picture maybe these meds save more lifes than they destroy, but it's not so funny to be one of the cracked eggs, it actually makes you feel like an egghead, and even more when many doctors, friends and familymembers don't even believe meds can have these side effects

But, so many people take medications regularly and they don't have tinnitus.

 

[PeteJ]

Believe me, the answer is NO.

No, what?

 

[just1morething]

I'm also unable to get past the part, where our very own brain creates this unbearable and completely pointless condition.

I think most ENTs think the ear is the problem, not the brain. The ear has the damage and is sending errant signals to the brain. That's why hearing aids help some people.

 

[Harley]

I think most ENTs think the ear is the problem, not the brain. The ear has the damage and is sending errant signals to the brain. That's why hearing aids help some people.

Yes of course.
The problem might start in the ear, but the ear and the brain are pretty much one interconnected system.
At some point it is hard to distinguish where one ends and the other one begins.
Either way, the brain should be able to recognize this malfunction and compensate for it in a way, that this pointless, idiotic condition does not happen.

Other theory of course being, that the brain is actually creating tinnitus in some unfortunate and very misguided attempt to fix something, that should be left alone.

In both cases it is a huge fail somewhere in our genetic code.
Almost like a malignant programming virus of sorts.

 

[PeteJ]

Yes of course.
The problem might start in the ear, but the ear and the brain are pretty much one interconnected system.
At some point it is hard to distinguish where one ends and the other one begins.
Either way, the brain should be able to recognize this malfunction and compensate for it in a way, that this pointless, idiotic condition does not happen.

Other theory of course being, that the brain is actually creating tinnitus in some unfortunate and very misguided attempt to fix something, that should be left alone.

In both cases it is a huge fail somewhere in our genetic code.
Almost like a malignant programming virus of sorts.

I think those theories make some sense but for me, I think we need to remind ourselves about tinnitus that happens after a concert or club visit. Or after a very loud noise exposure but those are usually temporary but it is still happening, just on a less significant scale and it is usually temporary but not always. But, it should still be examined and studied - researchers need to establish why it happens at all and why the ringing doesn't stop for us. How do you 'turn it off?' There must be a way? What happens to the people in which cases it turns off? What is healed or "fixed" for them? Can't we duplicate that state somehow????

 

[PeteJ]

The ringing is SO LOUD! TOO MANY TONES. I WANT MY LIFE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. IF IT CAN'T BE CURED OR REDUCED IN VOLUME AND INTENSITY, THEN I WANT THE SUFFERING TO STOP.

I hate life. I envy people who can figure out how to take their life in spite of their intrusive tinnitus. I find it too distracting to concentrate on a method.

 

[Mark A]

The ringing is SO LOUD! TOO MANY TONES. I WANT MY LIFE OVER. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. IF IT CAN'T BE CURED OR REDUCED IN VOLUME AND INTENSITY, THEN I WANT THE SUFFERING TO STOP.

I hate life. I envy people who can figure out how to take their life in spite of their intrusive tinnitus. I find it too distracting to concentrate on a method.

Hi Peter,
I saw this on 60 minutes. I'm curious if any of their patients had severe tinnitus, and what effects this procedure had on them. Not for a cure, but as a way to rid anxiety and possibly allow them to not care about tinnitus.
https://www.cbs.com/shows/60_minute...cs-to-treat-addiction-depression-and-anxiety/

 

[HeavyMantra]

For me it was ototoxic meds that made my tinnitus severe, and I just took half the daily dose of lexapro(Escitalopram in Sweden) for five days, and Phenergan(Lergigan in Sweden) for two nights to sleep better, it was sadly enough to give me a really bad reaction. You don't have to take it for many months, it's just like acoustic trauma, some people never get tinnitus, even if they play the drums for 50 years, when others can get it from just one club night, a single gunshot, or taking a sleeping pill for the first time. Bad genes or bad luck I guess? Maybe it's the combination that is really dangerous, that many of these meds can amplify preexisting tinnitus, and the risk for severe damage is a lot smaller if you don't have broken ears to begin with?

It's hard to draw a line here, the only truth seems to be that some people are sensitive to medication, and the medical industry must know this, that at least somebody will get these reactions, and bad enough to get there lives destroyed. But there are always casualties in war, and to make an omelette you have to crack a few eggs. In the big picture maybe these meds save more lifes than they destroy, but it's not so funny to be one of the cracked eggs, it actually makes you feel like an egghead, and even more when many doctors, friends and familymembers don't even believe meds can have these side effects

I also got worsened tinnitus from Theralen, which is similar to lergigan. Theralen supposedly isn't ototoxic but it still gave me morse code in my previously silent ear.

I took more than what's recommended. It's actually a pretty good albeit temporary alternative to suicide, I slept for like 24 hours.

 

[acute]

I really wanna die while sleeping.

 

[MRItechssuck]

I really wanna die while sleeping.

Why?

What goals did you have before tinnitus?

 

[acute]

I'm going to write my suicide note in a few moments in order to calm myself. There's always an exit, right? An escape. Every jail, every cage has it's way out. This is not forever. I have a chance, I have a possibility, and when I want to take it, I'll take it.

I can be free about all this suffering, this is possible. It is possible to escape and achieve relief. I don't have to suffer all the eternity. Tinnitus is the worst devil alive. It is the worst monster.

The darkness never scared me before, but now I feel panic when my house is empty and dark... It's totally irrational but I think about a horrible creature that looks at me from the dark... That creature I know for sure that is tinnitus, if tinnitus was a real thing in the world.

 

[Sironketchup]

Try to put yourself in survival mode. I'm going to be in survival mode for 2 years.
Got sick leave by my doctor for at least 1 year, still getting money and playing PC games.
Trying to get a Lenire appointment. Something to look forward to.
Do not give up yet.
I'm in hell for the 14 months, and so can you.
Wait for the next 2 years and new treatments. Just imagine if they could help you in 2 years and you gave up now.

 

[MRItechssuck]

What does this monster do to you?

 

[PeteJ]

I'm going to write my suicide note in a few moments in order to calm myself. There's always an exit, right? An escape. Every jail, every cage has it's way out. This is not forever. I have a chance, I have a possibility, and when I want to take it, I'll take it.

I can be free about all this suffering, this is possible. It is possible to escape and achieve relief. I don't have to suffer all the eternity. Tinnitus is the worst devil alive. It is the worst monster.

The darkness never scared me before, but now I feel panic when my house is empty and dark... It's totally irrational but I think about a horrible creature that looks at me from the dark... That creature I know for sure that is tinnitus, if tinnitus was a real thing in the world.

How loud is your tinnitus? I think young people here have a better chance of improving simply because they haven't exposed their ears and hearing for as long as older people. However, it also depends on what happened to you.

 

[Samir]

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.
~ Dalai Lama

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To MRltechssuck and PeteJ:

Check out acute's entry on 11/16/19 that presents a sound that is very similar to what
she constantly hears.

I turned this on full speaker for 3 minutes and my wife said "What in Hell's name is that infernal sound?"

I did not reply; the tinnitus-free denizens are never really capable of appreciating the inner totalitarian noise regime imposed on us.

 

[PeteJ]

To MRltechssuck and PeteJ:

Check out acute's entry on 11/16/19 that presents a sound that is very similar to what
she constantly hears.

I turned this on full speaker for 3 minutes and my wife said "What in Hell's name is that infernal sound?"

I did not reply; the tinnitus-free denizens are never really capable of appreciating the inner totalitarian noise regime imposed on us.

I played the video on two different phones. There was no audio i.e. no sound.

Edit: Nevermind. I found it on YouTube and had to turn up the volume. I am afraid of it accidentally being too high in volume setting.

I don't have those tone beeps. My ringing or multiple tones is a bunch layered somewhat like that. It's horrible in it's own right. Maybe there's a video that resembles the tones and pitch. I dunno.

 

[MRItechssuck]

To MRltechssuck and PeteJ:

Check out acute's entry on 11/16/19 that presents a sound that is very similar to what
she constantly hears.
I turned this on full speaker for 3 minutes and my wife said "What in Hell's name is that infernal sound?"
I did not reply; the tinnitus-free denizens are never really capable of appreciating the inner totalitarian noise regime imposed on us.

I don't see your point...

Acute is thinking of something that IS permanent. She is young and hers may go away, like mine did 15 years ago.
If she ceases to exist, she will never know if hers would heal in the future.

Acute is talking about suicide and that's not an answer IMO, so let's look at the problem... what does the monster do? Does it prevent her from being happy? Does it prevent her from working? Does it prevent her from doing normal things? We would all probably say yes to all of this.

Discussing this horrid affliction in real terms may help a person realize what they have in life, not what they lost.

 

[Yuuls]

Every day I wake up and hope something bad happens to me and it kills me. If I have some minor chest pains, my first thought I hope it's gonna lead to a heart attack eventually.

Whenever I drive I often think of swerving my car off the road and ending it all.

There are so many places around here for me to hurt myself, jumping in front of a train, or off of one of the many bridges around here.

Was just eating fries laying down in bed and thought how lucky would I be if I just choked to death.

I think no matter what this is how my life was written. I'm not meant to have an easy and happy life, I've never had that in all 26 years.

The only thing keeping me from killing myself tonight is the thought that I'll have to return to this planet and suffer until I complete the cycle. The thought of my poor parents having to come and do something with all of the items I've acquired makes me so sad. I can't believe this is how my life is panning out to be

I always thought if I worked hard, maybe I could have a good amount of money for a decent life. A decent husband, some kids, a dog. Once my parents are gone, who is going to help take care of me when shit really hits the fan

 

[PeteJ]

The ringing is insane. I can't sleep. Why can't euthanasia be legal here?
My right ear has some pain now.

I want to fucking die! How can I plan a suicide when the ringing is so loud?!? I can't concentrate like a normal person. Fuck this useless fucking life!!!! If I was an American I could at least acquire a gun.

 

[jasonbourne]

Try to put yourself in survival mode. I'm going to be in survival mode for 2 years.
Got sick leave by my doctor for at least 1 year, still getting money and playing PC games.
Trying to get a Lenire appointment. Something to look forward to.
Do not give up yet.
I'm in hell for the 14 months, and so can you.
Wait for the next 2 years and new treatments. Just imagine if they could help you in 2 years and you gave up now.

1. 2 years is too long
2. You're delusional if you think any treatment is coming out in two years. 10 years minimum.

Nothing has been announced. You don't go from 0 announcements to a treatment in 2 years.

 

[jasonbourne]

The ringing is insane. I can't sleep. Why can't euthanasia be legal here?
My right ear has some pain now.

I want to fucking die! How can I plan a suicide when the ringing is so loud?!? I can't concentrate like a normal person. Fuck this useless fucking life!!!! If I was an American I could at least acquire a gun.

When things get bad this is the only masker that works for me. Maybe it works for you too:

 

[PeteJ]

1. 2 years is too long
2. You're delusional if you think any treatment is coming out in two years. 10 years minimum.

Nothing has been announced. You don't go from 0 announcements to a treatment in 2 years.

Lenire is a scam. They're all worthless scams.

 

[Harley]

Lenire is a scam. They're all worthless scams.

I wouldn't call it a scam.
They deserve a credit for actually trying to engage tinnitus directly, but they fell short.
At least that is the impression I'm getting, based on all the reviews to date.

The theory behind bimodal stimulation does make sense, but they might have made some bad decisions.
I personally suspect the Bluetooth head set might have something to do with it, considering that the precise signal timing is literally everything.

 

[PeteJ]

I wouldn't call it a scam.
They deserve a credit for actually trying to engage tinnitus directly, but they fell short.
At least that is the impression I'm getting, based on all the reviews to date.

The theory behind bimodal stimulation does make sense, but they might have made some bad decisions.
I personally suspect the Bluetooth head set might have something to do with it, considering that the precise signal timing is literally everything.

Good reply. I am just frustrated and disappointed not to discover a major advancement or progress on a real treatment. I wanted it to be something really positive as everyone does. :-(

 

[LukeYoung]

Every day I wake up and hope something bad happens to me and it kills me. If I have some minor chest pains, my first thought I hope it's gonna lead to a heart attack eventually.

Whenever I drive I often think of swerving my car off the road and ending it all.

There are so many places around here for me to hurt myself, jumping in front of a train, or off of one of the many bridges around here.

Was just eating fries laying down in bed and thought how lucky would I be if I just choked to death.

I think no matter what this is how my life was written. I'm not meant to have an easy and happy life, I've never had that in all 26 years.

The only thing keeping me from killing myself tonight is the thought that I'll have to return to this planet and suffer until I complete the cycle. The thought of my poor parents having to come and do something with all of the items I've acquired makes me so sad. I can't believe this is how my life is panning out to be

I always thought if I worked hard, maybe I could have a good amount of money for a decent life. A decent husband, some kids, a dog. Once my parents are gone, who is going to help take care of me when shit really hits the fan

I feel this exact way.

 

[Yuuls]

I feel this exact way.

Maybe in another lifetime we will be happy.

I was pretty miserable before tinnitus with moments of happiness. The fact that I got something that isn't curable and is only going to get worse from here on out still doesn't feel real to me. But I'm sure this is how all depressed people/those with chronic illnesses feel, that this can't be real.

 

[Violetdusk]

Hello,

I just want to let posters here know I also feel suicidal every day too as my tinnitus and hyperacusis is very severe these last few weeks and I've had to work from home. You're not alone. It has gotten so bad that I am considering applying for euthanasia in Belgium, Netherlands or Switzerland, but it will be complicated as I am not a resident of those countries. I am considering moving there, living off my savings (when I have saved enough) if I need to, but this will be compounded by UK leaving the EU at the end of this month and I may find it difficult to to be able to achieve any of this.

My other option is obtaining Nembutal myself, but I do not know how and where to obtain this... I just see a lot of scam websites? Sorry to ask this if it is forbidden or not I do not know but does anyone have a reliable source they can PM to me or is that question taboo here? I would like to have some saved if all other hope is lost. Until then, I am fighting, and hoping to stay in this world as long as I possibly can. Maybe I will never use it, but for me it's the last and least painful option when everything gets beyond what I call my "absolute limit of tolerance" which I seem to be drawing nearer too.

I believe that everyone has an upper limit of what they can tolerate. Mine has taken 15 years to get here, 13 years of mild, 2 years of severe... faster than I thought. I don't think I am at right at my limit just yet, but I am close. Loud voices spike my tinnitus and give me ear pain. But quiet talking I can handle. My own voice doesn't hurt my ear yet, but I believe it soon may... and when I can't even communicate... that will be it for me.

I wish there was a cure soon, I was very happy with my existence and life in general before my condition worsened. I've been fighting this (non) silent war since 2005. No-one could see it then. I posted here a little in the times I could not cope. From April 2018 when I worsened dramatically I did not write much, I think I was too depressed. Now, my work, my family, my friends, all see it, and they are worried about me. I am worried about my future too, but now I begin thinking very logically about it. Maybe I start to believe that I might not have a future and I must accept it. When a person is in the same place as me, they have the right to go peacefully, not in a sad, lonely or violent manner. We're all human. I hope we remain so throughout. Suicide should not be a taboo subject, even in support forums. It helps to talk about such feelings, even if they seem very sad and tragic. To me, it used to feel sad and tragic, now I almost see it as a release of suffering. Everyone has different levels of tinnitus and hyperacusis to each other... so it's not always easy to compare.

Many times I heard that suicide is a sin. When you are suffering with this condition in it's very severe stages, I'm sorry, I don't believe it is a sin. If you are religious, I am sure God will forgive you. If you're not, your soul will still be released from torment and somewhere happy. If you are religious and got your tinnitus from noise trauma, remember that the bible was written before there was too much noise in this world.

Right, enough sad words, now for some positives.

In the meantime I'm down for another ENT appointment, (last time they saw me they could not help me but I am having another audiogram done and I want to ask about research) and I am also for a counselling appointment. I'm seeking as much help as possible. I have to exhaust every possibility before I come to any conclusion about what I next do with my life.

What helps me when I get impulsive thoughts of ending my life is to think of my other working faculties/senses... smell, sight, touch, taste... and to focus on using them intensely using mindfulness techniques. I got into colognes to learn about scents, I try and smell new food often as possible and use mindfulness techniques to appreciate the taste 100% (as opposed to eating on the go or distracted) etc. It helps a little. I know this isn't for everyone but immersive video games like RPGs really help me. They are involving and sometimes I forget my tinnitus for a while. If you have a laptop or PC try a few games that you're interested in... even if you don't like gaming. I think somehow it's better than watching tv or a movie which is more passive, so it offers more distraction.

Anyway, Good luck to OP Jeremy and all of us. We need it...and we need a cure. Sending strength and good luck to everyone battling this (these) Monster(s). Believe me I know what this hell does to you all. I'm hanging on, in the same boat.

 

[Michael Leigh]

In the meantime I'm down for another ENT appointment,

HI @Violetdusk

Providing ENT find no underlying medical problem that has caused your Noise induced tinnitus to increase, you should then be referred to Audiology to see a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist, that specialises in Tinnitus and hyperacusis treatment and management. Your ENT doctor is able to prescribe medication as a form of treatment for anxiety and stress but for noise induce tinnitus you need to be seen at Audiology.

Best of luck
Michael

 

[Violetdusk]

HI @Violetdusk

Providing ENT find no underlying medical problem that has caused your Noise induced tinnitus to increase, you should then be referred to Audiology to see a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist, that specialises in Tinnitus and hyperacusis treatment and management. Your ENT doctor is able to prescribe medication as a form of treatment for anxiety and stress but for noise induce tinnitus you need to be seen at Audiology.

Best of luck
Michael

Hi @Michael Leigh
Yes, they all know me well... I've got an Audiologist, but the treatment for hyperacusis (white noise maskers in ear) which I tried a few years ago didn't work. Unfortunately they spiked my tinnitus so I couldn't use them. I use white noise in and around the home though it helps. The last time I went they tried to use a loudness test on me... I had to intervene and stop them, as it could sign my death certificate... some of the volumes they wanted to try were 85 decibels... I cannot stand 50 or 60 let alone 85.

Healthcare isn't the best in Wales though so I may need to look further afield.

Thanks though, appreciate it.