Suicidal

[Yuuls]

All I wanted in this life was a cozy home, a nice husband, and kids of my own. I don't have anyone in this world except my mom and my dad so once they're gone, I'm literally going to be alone. For the holidays, through hardships, etc. Life is already hard enough as it is.

Getting married and starting a family of my own was my one saving grace and now all of that is gone. How am I supposed to find someone who loves me when I live in fear daily? Now do I deal with a pregnancy? Screaming babies? The hardships that come with having kids themselves?

How am I supposed to live this life knowing I'm forever cut off from all fun things in life and I will just end up alone and even more depressed in the end.

I am literally living in hell. My own personal form of hell and the universe is mocking me on the daily. I cannot take this anymore. Out of ALL of the conditions that could have happened to me, I get hyperacusis and tinnitus. Seriously. Why this. Why me.

 

[PeteJ]

My tinnitus worsened last April.

I was cooking tonight and I accidentally made it go on. It's checked every month and it is one that uses electrical wires. No screws to take it apart. I think my tinnitus was slightly lower before it happened. I took a bath an hour earlier. I thought tonight might not be as bad as usual and then the alarm. I hate my ****ing life.

 

[Bill Bauer]

One more night without being able to sleep.

Have you tried Amitriptyline?

What is the cause of this dramatic worsening?

 

[PeteJ]

I wish I could ****ing kill myself. I wonder how people with severe tinnitus did it. I find it too intrusive and I am afraid if I fail and a mistake means being worse from brain damage and/or crippled. I find trying to plan it is very difficult, too.

My tinnitus seems to spike at times but I don't know if it's a spike or just normal fluctuation. It's often bad at night but this time I was exposed to a smoke alarm. I should have wore ear plugs. Hearing protection is difficult for me to use though.

How will I sleep now? I want this suffering to be over.

 

[Yuuls]

10/10 do not recommend watching Moonlight Sonata on HBO when you're feeling sad. Not sure why I'm doing this to myself right now but 10 min into it and literally waterworks.

 

[Jazzer]

All I wanted in this life was a cozy home, a nice husband, and kids of my own. I don't have anyone in this world except my mom and my dad so once they're gone, I'm literally going to be alone. For the holidays, through hardships, etc. Life is already hard enough as it is.

Getting married and starting a family of my own was my one saving grace and now all of that is gone. How am I supposed to find someone who loves me when I live in fear daily? Now do I deal with a pregnancy? Screaming babies? The hardships that come with having kids themselves?

How am I supposed to live this life knowing I'm forever cut off from all fun things in life and I will just end up alone and even more depressed in the end.

I am literally living in hell. My own personal form of hell and the universe is mocking me on the daily. I cannot take this anymore. Out of ALL of the conditions that could have happened to me, I get hyperacusis and tinnitus. Seriously. Why this. Why me.

Hi @Yuuls
I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis which I am managing to live with, though it's not always easy.
I am lucky in that I have a lovely wife and family.
I must admit to being old - 77 years old.

I have often wondered what I would do in your situation.
Tinnitus is getting much more common now amongst young people.
I would try to meet up with people of my own age who are similarly afflicted to form friendships in real life - maybe contact a support group in my own locality.
I hope I am not being naive here, but we know from the interaction, even on this website, that shared suffering leads to camaraderie.
You wrote a courageous piece with great honesty.

Very best wishes,
Much love
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[RishRamsey]

I have lost the count of my tones. I have tried to concentrate and distinguish them, yet I can't do it. High pitch whistlings, hissing, electrical buzzing, fluctuating old modem/router sound, morse beeps, wine glass humming... you name it! I have EVERYTHING! It was 2016 when I woke up in that stupid morning and my right ear was faintly whistling. I never had imagined that my tinnitus would have evolved to that monster that is today, nor I can imagine how will it be next year, and in two years and so on...

In addition to my tinnitus more and more sounds make my ears produce this resonance sounds, like when you approach a microphone close to a speaker and it is horrible.

I lost my peace. I am experienced enough now to know that it won't get better. It doesn't get better after 3 years of constant worsening. There's not even one case reporting remission of SUCH severe symptoms. So what do I do? Sitting like a naive idiot and praising hope? When I hear the word hope, I get angry. I don't want to continue. It's pointless. Really.

Do you know why it got consistently worse?

 

[vermillion]

Do you know why it got consistently worse?

Divine punishment I guess?

 

[acute]

Have you tried Amitriptyline?

What is the cause of this dramatic worsening?

I do not know why it has worsened. I had a "relative" good evolution up to 3 months from the onset. Or maybe it never really got better. I'm not sure anymore.

But from October-November 2019 it began to get worse. At the beginning of November I got a new noise, maybe because of the use of Effexor and Sertraline, anyway, I only took Effexor for 3 days and Sertraline for like 10 days. Fucking poison.

Now tinnitus is worse than 6 months ago.

I'm too scared to try antidepressants again to try Amitriptyline.

 

[GORYLUCK]

I do not know why it has worsened. I had a "relative" good evolution up to 3 months from the onset. Or maybe it never really got better. I'm not sure anymore.

But from October-November 2019 it began to get worse. At the beginning of November I got a new noise, maybe because of the use of Effexor and Sertraline, anyway, I only took Effexor for 3 days and Sertraline for like 10 days. Fucking poison.

Now tinnitus is worse than 6 months ago.

I'm too scared to try antidepressants again to try Amitriptyline.

Fuck not being able to sleep!
That's hell!!!
Those antidepressants u tried are the naaasty SSRI ones....
But amitriptyline is an older more benign gentleman class of AD .....and taken at a low dose of 5 or 10 mgs ....it just makes ya drowsy ....u know like an older more benign gentleman reading u a bedtime story would make u.....
Well that's my experience...tho I do also take a wee bit of subliminal melatonin when I lay down to zonk me out completely

 

[jay777]

This helps me.

 

[PeteJ]

I live without being able to sleep. I spend almost no sleep a whole night, the next night I sleep a little more because of how tired and exhausted I feel. But the next night it is impossible to sleep again. Its like this all the time. This fucking sounds are so loud.

The tinnitus sounds?

 

[PeteJ]

I do not know why it has worsened. I had a "relative" good evolution up to 3 months from the onset. Or maybe it never really got better. I'm not sure anymore.

But from October-November 2019 it began to get worse. At the beginning of November I got a new noise, maybe because of the use of Effexor and Sertraline, anyway, I only took Effexor for 3 days and Sertraline for like 10 days. Fucking poison.

Now tinnitus is worse than 6 months ago.

I'm too scared to try antidepressants again to try Amitriptyline.

I tried Amitriptyline but it didn't help me. I don't think it made me worse. I don't think it did anything. A nurse practitioner wanted me to up the dose and take it like candy.

Everyone is different, though, as you will read various experiences here on it. I know because I asked about Amitriptyline here and searched the forum for it. For anyone who claims it made them worse, I think it's hard to tell as no one knows what a person is doing. But, I doubt it will improve or reduce your tinnitus. It's an antidepressant and might help you sleep.

I think my tinnitus is too intrusive and loud so I doubt that a pill will help. My Dr wants me to try a different one. Nothing works for reducing the tinnitus volume so doctors prescribe pills for other symptoms. It's hopeless and so frustrating.

 

[mrbrightside614]

I do not know why it has worsened. I had a "relative" good evolution up to 3 months from the onset. Or maybe it never really got better. I'm not sure anymore.

But from October-November 2019 it began to get worse. At the beginning of November I got a new noise, maybe because of the use of Effexor and Sertraline, anyway, I only took Effexor for 3 days and Sertraline for like 10 days. Fucking poison.

Now tinnitus is worse than 6 months ago.

I'm too scared to try antidepressants again to try Amitriptyline.

I wouldn't use any serotonergic/known ototoxic meds for sleep. I hate being on my meds but at least I can sleep now. I was fully hospitalized in what was basically a psych ward for 4 days and 3 nights at the worst of tinnitus/hyperacusis (about 3 months in). I got put on mirtazapine (15mg) and quetiapine (300 mg), so about the ceiling dose of each. Once I started getting rest I've improved a little bit and have managed to drop myself down to 225mg quetiapine over the last 3 months.

Are you still on benzos? I was sleeping like shit with high doses of Ambien and that's when I got hospitalized. No benzos for the last 3.5 months now. Life sucks for sure but I don't feel like I'm at death's door the same way anymore.

@PeteJ

 

[LongWait]

The suffering involved with this is beyond belief, 2 years and all I've thought about today is ending it.

My ears are permanently damaged. I've acquired the means to attempt escaping, and the payoff seems worth it for me, but I would destroy my family. The humiliation in living under this stress has drained me, I'm dreading the future.

 

[PeteJ]

The suffering involved with this is beyond belief, 2 years and all I've thought about today is ending it.

My ears are permanently damaged. I've acquired the means to attempt escaping, and the payoff seems worth it for me, but I would destroy my family. The humiliation in living under this stress has drained me, I'm dreading the future.

Because it's really loud? How do you know your ears are really damaged? Damaged how?

I think mine are too or how else to explain why and how tinnitus goes from the mild that many people deal and cope with to the 'catastrophic' state in which it's multiple tones, a high pitch and incredibly loud in volume. I can only speculate on everything because researchers don't say anything and doctors and ENTs don't know anything.

I think about ending it every day and I don't want to feel this way. If the tinnitus volume doesn't reduce and the tones don't reduce - way too many, I don't want to live like this. I am afraid of dying and the finality but I reason to myself it can't be escaped anyway but I can stop the suffering and torture.

 

[dan]

It was his GP failure to medicate.

What does that mean, failure to medicate...

Furious Morse code sound again. Great, love it. Tinnitus seems very angry. This makes no sense, my tinnitus is random.

By the way, the habituation police can go to hell. I do not buy it.

You will Habi....oh shit sorry, my bad lol No seriously, it will get better, tinnitus tends to lessen in severity over time for a lot of people. You are still new in the game.

 

[jay777]

What does that mean, failure to medicate...

GPs in the UK will not prescribe medication that can take the edge off this fucking torture for fear of addiction.

ADDICTION OR DEATH?

 

[Michael Leigh]

GPs in the UK will not prescribe medication that can take the edge off this fucking torture for fear of addiction.

There is some truth in what you say but only up to a point. A GP will be reluctant to prescribe medications such as clonazepam/rivotril even though it can significantly reduce tinnitus for some people - this is because of it's additive tendency. However, properly managed on the amount a patient is taking can prove to be beneficial and addiction will often be prevented. Someone with problematic tinnitus should first be referred to ENT for tests, to find out what is causing it. If there is no underlying medical problem responsible they should be referred to Audiology, to see a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist that specialises in Tinnitus and Hyperacusis management and treatment.

I was under the care of a Hearing Therapist and an ENT consultant. My tinnitus has large fluctuations in intensity from: silent, mild, moderate, severe and can reach very severe levels. My ENT doctor prescribed clonazepam and I was told, that it can reduce tinnitus for some people. I was also informed of it's addictive tendency if taken too often and was advised, to take 2x 0.5mg tablets only when the tinnitus was severe. I found it very effective at reducing the tinnitus to very low or complete silence over 12hrs. I haven't had a problem with it since 2010. My GP prescribes it on request but I'm aware the amount I take is monitored. I take it once or twice a month for usually 1 or 2 days then stop.

Anyone in the UK that has difficulty with their tinnitus, I advise to get a referral to ENT. Once you are under the care of ENT and Audiology hopefully you will get treatment that can included: sound therapy, counselling and medication or a combination of all three.

Michael

 

[PeteJ]

GPs in the UK will not prescribe medication that can take the edge off this fucking torture for fear of addiction.

ADDICTION OR DEATH?

Join the club. All countries are shit when it comes to tinnitus. I understand there is no real treatment or cure but physicians should be more flexible with medications and I really don't like the idea of pharmaceutical drugs - so, that is saying something.

 

[Yuuls]

What's the point of living with this? I can't do anything I enjoy anymore. I am literally afraid of sound which is like being afraid of rain.

The way I explain the condition to people is like living in Seattle and having a severe itching brought on by rain/mist and there's no cure, it can only get worse with every rain you're exposed to

I chose itching because it's another thing that can bring you discomfort but won't kill you. Just ignore it yeah??

I also chose rain because like sound, it's inevitable that you will get exposed to it at some point in your life. You can wear rain jackets and protective gear all you want, but it will catch you off guard one day.

 

[Yuuls]

But seriously, what is the point of continuing to live if nothing brings you happiness anymore.

I can't travel because air planes will probably make it worse. Most parts of the world are noisy as well. Why would I spend thousands of $$$ to wear ear plugs on a different piece of dirt 10 hours away from me.

Can't date. Who is going to want to live life with someone who can't go to restaurants or bars. Loud family gatherings. Concerts. Movies. Unless I find someone who also has tinnitus and we can just both wallow in each other's misery. Even if I do pretend to be a-okay, shit will hit the fan eventually. My life is ruined, I don't want to ruin it for someone else as well.

All the things I enjoyed before, music, movies, adventures with friends. Gone. People are going to slowly stop inviting me to hang out, it's already happening.

I literally go to work. Suffer through the day. Come home, and try to not go crazy while I wait to go to bed. I'm running out of shows to watch. And then do it all over again. Weekends are the worst.

Hell on earth. Really. Out of all the disorders, I get blessed with the one that's slowly going to drive me insane. I have no more purpose to be here. Life isn't all about pleasures, but it should at least be somewhat enjoyable right? What's the point of living if you're absolutely miserable 24/7?

Why is euthanasia not a thing. Why can't I have a peaceful way out. I am too scared of pain but I feel like one day I'll be miserable enough to where I don't even care anymore. Only a matter of time.

 

[Stan M]

Wow, I hate this stuff. Tinnitus continues unabated 24/7 since 2/06/19. Constant. I am suicidal on and off. How could I not be? It keeps me awake at night. I have trouble getting to sleep. I wake up and have trouble getting back to sleep, and I only get real sleep about every three days since this. I was a great sleeper before this. I had trouble sleeping less than once a year before this. This will go on for as long as I live. Its major, its loud, its insistent. Nothing I have done stops it even for a short time. Nothing makes it even quieter. My only break is my dreams. It does not exist in my dreams. I had a nightmare a while back. Shit after you you cannot get away from, heart pounding, blood racing, eminent pain followed by death when it catches you. I woke up to this shit squealing in my head, that blanking teapot whistling inside my brain. I want to stick an ice pick in there and root around until I find the right brain cells and it stops. I realized again I will never wake up from tinnitus. This is a living nightmare. I have learned to stop the panic attacks this shit starts. Never had one before. Great- I can stop a panic attack right in its tracks. What a skill to have to learn! Its here at work, at home, on vacation, in the mountains, in the desert, hiking, astronomy, disc golf, music, dinner, driving, shower, underwater, sex, in the middle of the beauty of nature, everywhere all the time and will be the last thing I hear at my death. There is hope, but not for me. Why go on? Wife. I can't commit suicide, I have obligations, I have a promise made decades ago. How do I go on? I push. I am one son of a bitch. I am one of the strongest men alive. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour. One foot in front of the other, I force the issue. I go on, into the screaming, looking for some beauty somewhere in the midst of the screaming.

 

[PeteJ]

Why doesn't this site work with the tinnitus associations and pressure the healthcare industry?

I think people who have severe/loud tinnitus need a strong pill to knock them out at night. I want to commit suicide every ****ing night or this is when I feel it the strongest. I can't be the only one here in which tinnitus tones go ****ng haywire late at night.

I want a researcher to figure out what is going on and use a laser and zap those parts of the brain. Repair the inner ear or something! Else, I want to die! ****ING hate this!!!

I really believe I will try a method in the near future.

 

[MRItechssuck]

@Yuuls it looks like you have had tinnitus for such a short time... you need to give it time. If you lose all your friends you will make new ones... I'm not sure of your age... but you must have several years to worry about getting married/having a family.

Give it time... time...

About 20 years ago I got noise induced tinnitus.
It took about 4 years for my mild tinnitus to resolve... I never thought about it... never heard it... didn't bother me for 15 years... it was gone... until a new acoustic trauma 3 months ago... now it is severe... it may take 8 years this time but the brain works on this stuff slowly.

I know what you are dealing with as my ears are screaming and hyperacusis in my right ear.

Hang in there...

 

[PeteJ]

8 years? I am not waiting that long. Dunno about him. This isn't normal. I don't know what made it worse. Some everyday loud noises? We can't avoid everything! I can't live in a bubble.

I need to find a list of possible methods to reduce tinnitus severity and volume. Benzos? I can't get that but is there anything else that might?

I don't get fluctuations anymore. I have in the back of my mind now, everyday, I need a solid suicide plan. I don't want to live like this.

 

[mrbrightside614]

Why doesn't this site work with the tinnitus associations and pressure the healthcare industry?

I think people who have severe/loud tinnitus need a strong pill to knock them out at night. I want to commit suicide every ****ing night or this is when I feel it the strongest. I can't be the only one here in which tinnitus tones go ****ng haywire late at night.

I want a researcher to figure out what is going on and use a laser and zap those parts of the brain. Repair the inner ear or something! Else, I want to die! ****ING hate this!!!

I really believe I will try a method in the near future.

1. The ATA is basically useless. They won't share information with us about basically anything.
2. Pressure the healthcare industry how? I'm formulating brochures to forge an alliance with the VA who may have some pull, but we don't know how much they'll help. I have a feeling a personal line that I've included concerning FX-322 and the empowering of citizens' voices is going to be eschewed because it's highly speculative and possibly gives the impression of false hope.
3. rTMS and TDCS or whatever are super sketchy. I'd avoid that if at all possible.

 

[Horrorpopz]

So, this is the thread of people who are fucked and want to die...

Home, sweet home lol

 

[Yuuls]

Hi @Yuuls
I have severe tinnitus and hyperacusis which I am managing to live with, though it's not always easy.
I am lucky in that I have a lovely wife and family.
I must admit to being old - 77 years old.

I have often wondered what I would do in your situation.
Tinnitus is getting much more common now amongst young people.
I would try to meet up with people of my own age who are similarly afflicted to form friendships in real life - maybe contact a support group in my own locality.
I hope I am not being naive here, but we know from the interaction, even on this website, that shared suffering leads to camaraderie.
You wrote a courageous piece with great honesty.

Very best wishes,
Much love
Dave x
Jazzer

Hi Jazzer,

Thank you for your kind words. I am struggling greatly because all of the people in know in real life who have tinnitus seem like they're dealing with a different version than me. They just have the classic eeeee in silent rooms.

Mine his a weird hiss, combined with head pressure, sensitivity in my left ear, a whining noise in the left ear that blends in with external noises making them sound weird (I wouldn't say distorted completely) but weird). Every time I swallow, I hear a very loud pop and crackle in my ears which almost relieves the pressure sometimes and then builds back up. I was in a building on the 15th floor or so a few weeks back, and the popping was 10x worse. I was sitting in a silent courtroom and me swallowing was deafening. What could this be?

Anyways, I'm trying to find ways to live with this. Thinking of finding a support group. Going on walks every day instead of laying in bed depressed. Trying to pull myself out of this dark hole I've trapped myself in, slowly.

I haven't had insurance this month but hoping next month I'll be able to see a few more doctors to rule out ETD/TMJ or any other issues.

 

[Yuuls]

@Yuuls it looks like you have had tinnitus for such a short time... you need to give it time. If you lose all your friends you will make new ones... I'm not sure of your age... but you must have several years to worry about getting married/having a family.

Give it time... time...

About 20 years ago I got noise induced tinnitus.
It took about 4 years for my mild tinnitus to resolve... I never thought about it... never heard it... didn't bother me for 15 years... it was gone... until a new acoustic trauma 3 months ago... now it is severe... it may take 8 years this time but the brain works on this stuff slowly.

I know what you are dealing with as my ears are screaming and hyperacusis in my right ear.

Hang in there...

I'm 26 years old. So not that much time
At the moment my left ear is driving me crazy. It's so hard to describe the sensation that I'm feeling. It's like a fullness, but then almost feels like someone is blowing into my ear if that makes sense and it hears a weird whistling over external noises like a fan or my TV what is this