Suicidal

[grate_biff]

How long have you been in withdrawal? It might be worth waiting a couple of months more if you can manage that. I know it's a hour by hour hell so I know it's a lot to ask, really a lot.

I´ve kind of been in withdrawal since 2012. On and off since then.
I was all healed in spring of 2014, then september 2014... BOOM... Tinnitus!! And what was the only thing that helped??? Fucking BENZO!! Took it sparingly these last 6 years, but you cant fool benzo, it will take you in the end.

I was off for 10 months now, but could not take it any more. Went back on in November and trying to taper again, but its so much worse this time. Cant even tolerate the white noise to mask my tinnitus. Its piercing though my brain. And anxiety and tremors are EXTREME. Thought it was bad before, but it can always get worse.
Constant thoughts of suicide makes me nauseous.
I just want to live to see the results from Frequency, but dont know if I can make it!

 

[RichieTheKid]

Doctors need to see these posts.

Now listen, I was against psychology for a long time but I respect the practice for what it does, helping you rationalise thought's, developing coping mechanisms and understanding yourself .

But tinnitus is a real physical thing, piercing through your ability to cope sometimes or a lot of the time. Add hearing loss and other things and it doesn't help.

A line must be drawn where people understand there are conditions that can't be seen, but cause real physical damage and makes mental state decline
The lines shouldn't be so blurred. It's an injustice to people who suffer. There are some people who can live with it and there's nothing wrong with that. But sone simply can't, it's not that they don't want to, they can't. So yea.

 

[grate_biff]

I really have tried everything. Every pill in the pharma industry.

I've tried nerve blockade.

I've even severed my tympanic muscle.

Nothing worked, except for benzo...

And now it is killing me. I kind of knew it, but now that I'm here, it is so difficult to go through with suicide.

I live with my dad, and even though he is sick of me complaining all the time, I'm sure he'll be devastated finding me hanging or OD'd.

 

[Matchbox]

Doctors need to see these posts.

Now listen, I was against psychology for a long time but I respect the practice for what it does, helping you rationalise thought's, developing coping mechanisms and understanding yourself .

But tinnitus is a real physical thing, piercing through your ability to cope sometimes or a lot of the time. Add hearing loss and other things and it doesn't help.

A line must be drawn where people understand there are conditions that can't be seen, but cause real physical damage and makes mental state decline
The lines shouldn't be so blurred. It's an injustice to people who suffer. There are some people who can live with it and there's nothing wrong with that. But sone simply can't, it's not that they don't want to, they can't. So yea.

Big difference between I hear static at night and need the fan on versus the wind, my voice and everything around me makes lightsaber noises, droning and thudding so loud I can feel it and I can never escape... or my own voice hurts my ears to use and I can't go outside without searing pain.

If I could trade 5 dB of hearing for 5 dB less of tinnitus, I would in a heartbeat.

 

[Born To Slay]

I am exactly where you are. I finally brought my bottle of 150 of .5mg of Clonazepam to the bed with me from another room tonight. I have Oxycontin too. To be sure, I should mix it with alcohol as well. Benzo alone will not kill us. Problem is I am so extremely nauseous I do not think I can hold the alcohol.

Life is nothing but extreme pain of sound, screeching tinnitus, tremors, anxiety, depression and body aches.

Destroyed ears, benzo withdrawal and now also opioid withdrawal just don´t mix.

Right now my father is taking a shower far away from where I am at, still the whooshing sound of water going through the pipes is killing me. How am I supposed to live like that?

Didn't you say you have tons of Retigabine/Trobalt? If you are really going to kill yourself anyway, you might as well give them a shot. They might stop your hyperacusis and tinnitus.

 

[Shizune]

Oh you actually want to bathe? Setback.
Wanna cook something to eat? Setback.
Oh that pepper you bit into is too crunchy. You didn't cook it long enough. Setback.
You're wearing earplugs? Well you're walking so that's occlusion. Another setback.
Hey you're typing too fast. Setback.
Nice earmuffs. Too bad they are sucking the life out of your ear drums. Gonna have to give you a setback for that one.
Double protection? Sorry, you're already this far gone. It's not gonna help. Here's another set back as punishment.

I hate my body. I wish I had some sort of display that tells me when I'm pushing too hard. I can't do a single thing during the day without being punished in some way.

If I don't get good news in March I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't live like this. Getting better seems impossible. I've only gotten worse.

 

[Tweedleman]

I really have tried everything. Every pill in the pharma industry.

I've tried nerve blockade.

I've even severed my tympanic muscle.

Nothing worked, except for benzo...

And now it is killing me. I kind of knew it, but now that I'm here, it is so difficult to go through with suicide.

I live with my dad, and even though he is sick of me complaining all the time, I'm sure he'll be devastated finding me hanging or OD'd.

I just wanted to say I've always loved your profile picture. It's so endearing, to the point that it actually makes me extremely sad knowing how much torture the little guy on the tractor is now going through.

I have some very similar pics of myself on the old family farm, those were the days.

 

[GBB]

I am seriously considering regular administration of benzos. I have been taking Xanax 1x per week max but that seems to mean 5 days of suffering now and 1-2 days semi-normalcy. I think my work is going to start to suffer and I'm afraid whether I can continue like this.

 

[GBB]

@GBB, sorry for your missed career man, you threw everything at this horror but like many of us could not find something very effective. My specialist told me last year "look, I see a lot of these cases. Not just severe tinnitus and ear symptoms, but also burning skin, phantom limb syndrome etc. At some point the brain has enough and lets go. I think it will happen to you too". This is a nice guy and I think he meant it but to me it felt like a "I give up on you" if I ever saw one. I don't know. Once, one year and a half ago, I was seeing a ENT nurse for ear cleaning, I asked her, "do you know some specialist I can see? I saw 6 so far, but I'm willing to see anyone if they can help". She told me "I'm sorry, love, nobody can really help you with tinnitus, stop looking for a doctor because you won't find anyone". That was another nail in the coffin. How are we supposed to go on when there is so little hope? FX-322 is still far, OTO-413 so far, I feel so sick given the urgency of suffering and the slow process all these companies are following, no one can tell us worsening cases why we are worsening.

I don't think my brain can ever get used to this. I have some days where it is lower and other days where it is literally torture. I just don't know what to do. I love my family and I want to live - I've found mine seems to have a macro cycle - I might have a few days where it is lower, followed by a few weeks of higher intensity. I'm very fatigued at being lulled into a sense of complacency/safety. I fear I may be mentally scarred after this, if I manage to survive.

 

[Uklawyer]

I am getting ready to go. Moving money from business account over to personal account abroad for my wife. Even that is hard for me. Anxiety, lack of sleep. The noises. It's torturous. How do you do it? Making food, clearing up a bit - it's all too much. I can barely do anything...

 

[grate_biff]

I just wanted to say I've always loved your profile picture. It's so endearing, to the point that it actually makes me extremely sad knowing how much torture the little guy on the tractor is now going through.

Thank you! Yes it's very sad indeed. A reminder I once had a carefree life. I have had a life, but I'm afraid it has to end now. A few minutes ago I said yes to be committed to a psych ward for my benzo and other pills problems. And when/if I'm clean, they will send me to another psych ward.

I can't see how I can go through with it, but I have said I will try.

Deep inside, I feel both the tinnitus and noxacusis will be better once I have a more normalized CNS. But will it be enough?

 

[grate_biff]

I am seriously considering regular administration of benzos. I have been taking Xanax 1x per week max but that seems to mean 5 days of suffering now and 1-2 days semi-normalcy. I think my work is going to start to suffer and I'm afraid whether I can continue like this.

I have thought about this for several years. You can search and find many posts where I try to find a way to make it more sustainable. The fear of death, when you hit tolerance, knowing there is no way you can wean yourself off it cause every thing will be much worse, is why Im reluctant. But even if you take it sparingly it will get you in the end. That is my experience.
This is something I will have to discuss with the people at the psych ward/detox-center.

I just read this article:
Differential Effects of Two Chronic Diazepam Treatment Regimes on Withdrawal Anxiety and AMPA Receptor Characteristics

Taking an NMDA antagonist together with benzo have been proven to avoid one going into tolerance and can also help with withdrawal.

But what antagonist would be the best? You can forget bringing this up with your doctor, they wouldn't know anything about it. But maybe an addiction specialist would?

I recently tried Lyrica, but it just made me even sicker, racing heart, nausea etc...
Gabapentin and Ketamine are also NMDA antagonists. There are a lot of them:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NMDA_receptor_antagonist

Something to think about for many of us maybe.

 

[grate_biff]

Didn't you say you have tons of Retigabine/Trobalt? If you are really going to kill yourself anyway, you might as well give them a shot. They might stop your hyperacusis and tinnitus.

Is there any evidence of that?

A lot of people got their eyesight destroyed and I suspect it killed Danny Boy, may he rest in peace!

I'm just to afraid to take it. It also expired in 2016. But I get your point.

 

[Born To Slay]

Is there any evidence of that?

A lot of people got their eyesight destroyed and I suspect it killed Danny Boy, may he rest in peace!

I'm just to afraid to take it. It also expired in 2016. But I get your point.

There's evidence for it. Retigabine is the drug being reformulated by Dr. Thanos Tzouonopoulos for tinnitus. He's reformulating it to have less side effects but if you look at the Retigabine thread, it did lower a lot of people's tinnitus. In addition, some people said it lowered pain hyperacusis. I remember reading @valeri wrote it helped them with that.

I get you are afraid to take it and I'm not trying to pressure you. I'd just hate to see you kill yourself before having tried everything.

 

[ZAF777]

Hi everyone, my name is Steve.

Just over a month ago I woke up totally deaf in my left ear. Severe high pitched tinnitus driving me insane and my right ear incredibly sensitive to any sound. This I later learned was hyperacusis.
I was given high strength steroids, MRI scan and sent to the specialist but to no avail.

It's been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. Believe me when I say I had the most darkest thoughts the mind could conjure in the first couple of weeks.

Thankfully a member on this forum has helped me greatly to move forward. Thank you JohnFox.

For my sake and my family I have to accept that I will probably have a nagging mother-in-law wailing in my ear for the rest of my life. Though difficult, I believe possible. (For my sanity).

This is a silent, invisible nightmare that we are all living with. Unseen by the mass population.

I know how debilitating this condition is and sympathise / empathise with each and everyone of you.

I pray that you will all stay strong and hopefully the conditions ease / cure found or habituation prevails.

Life is very precious even when we hit rock bottom.

Steve

 

[Ctw]

I could have written that.

Same here...

 

[Marin]

Hi everyone, my name is Steve.

Just over a month ago I woke up totally deaf in my left ear. Severe high pitched tinnitus driving me insane and my right ear incredibly sensitive to any sound. This I later learned was hyperacusis.
I was given high strength steroids, MRI scan and sent to the specialist but to no avail.

It's been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. Believe me when I say I had the most darkest thoughts the mind could conjure in the first couple of weeks.

Thankfully a member on this forum has helped me greatly to move forward. Thank you JohnFox.

For my sake and my family I have to accept that I will probably have a nagging mother-in-law wailing in my ear for the rest of my life. Though difficult, I believe possible. (For my sanity).

This is a silent, invisible nightmare that we are all living with. Unseen by the mass population.

I know how debilitating this condition is and sympathise / empathise with each and everyone of you.

I pray that you will all stay strong and hopefully the conditions ease / cure found or habituation prevails.

Life is very precious even when we hit rock bottom.

Steve

I am very sorry that you are suffering. Losing hearing so suddenly is such a shock to the system. You might be a cochlear implant candidate in your deaf ear which could lessen the tinnitus.

I sincerely hope that the hyperacusis in your other ear improves with time.

 

[ZAF777]

I am very sorry that you are suffering. Losing hearing so suddenly is such a shock to the system. You might be a cochlear implant candidate in your deaf ear which could lessen the tinnitus.

I sincerely hope that the hyperacusis in your other ear improves with time.

Thank you Marin for your kind words.

I was told due to the profound/total loss of hearing that hearing aids would unfortunately not be an option.

I have reluctantly accepted that Metallica / Iron Maiden will be rehearsing in my deaf ear 24/7.

 

[Marin]

Thank you Marin for your kind words.

I was told due to the profound/total loss of hearing that hearing aids would unfortunately not be an option.

I have reluctantly accepted that Metallica / Iron Maiden will be rehearsing in my deaf ear 24/7.

Lol, I hope you like metal.

If you are interested, you may want to research cochlear implants because they are very different than hearing aids. They are meant specifically for people with profound hearing loss, and it's a device that is implanted via surgery directly into the cochlea. From what I've read, it's not the same as natural hearing, but many people who get them report a much improved quality of life.

There is also the FX-322 (Frequency Therapeutics) thread under the Research News category that you may want to read, but it's unknown how well it will work for severe/profound losses. Many of us are hanging on by a thread in hopes that this medication can help us.

Wishing you lots of strength and healing!

 

[ZAF777]

Thanks for the advice Marin.

I will certainly look into the cochlear implant.

I do like a bit of Iron Maiden actually, not so Metallica haha.

Take care.
Many thanks,
Steve.

 

[Orions Pain]

It has been quite some time and the overall feeling of dread still hasn't lifted. My life literally changed in an instant and every aspect of my life developed this weird overlying sense of doom and despair. Almost like a dark cloud follows me around everywhere and even on the warmest sunniest day it's present somehow. It's so hard to describe, but it is like nothing around me changed but everything about my life did.

I'd compare the feeling to when you're watching a really depressing movie and just that horrible darkness and overwhelming sadness you experience when you become engulfed in it except the movie is my life, and it didn't end in an hour and 45 minutes.

 

[lis]

I really have tried everything. Every pill in the pharma industry.

I've tried nerve blockade.

I've even severed my tympanic muscle.

Nothing worked, except for benzo...

And now it is killing me. I kind of knew it, but now that I'm here, it is so difficult to go through with suicide."

I live with my dad, and even though he is sick of me complaining all the time, I'm sure he'll be devastated finding me hanging or OD'd.

Did severing the muscle solve spasms or anything else?

 

[grate_biff]

Did severing the muscle solve spasms or anything else?

No. Nothing changed.

 

[Orions Pain]

I want nothing more than to not exist anymore. Having tinnitus that you cannot mask because of burning ear pain is hell that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I'm so sick of staying in my room and just listening to these hellish noises days on the end. I do not know how long I'm going to make it like this. No relief, no end in sight. There is no safe place in this world for me anymore.

 

[Uklawyer]

I'm in psych ward - in a foreign country. Feels like the end for me. They are drugging me up to help ease the torment for a bit. But what will it change?

 

[Johan001]

Please hang in there guys, I used to "live" in this thread in my suicidal phase a few months ago and never thought I'd get out of it. Still suffering but I'm more hopeful now. It feels like learning to walk again, tiny progress step by step...

 

[Uklawyer]

I'm happy for you, Johan. Any pointers on how you are doing it?

 

[Gabriel5050]

Oh you actually want to bathe? Setback.
Wanna cook something to eat? Setback.
Oh that pepper you bit into is too crunchy. You didn't cook it long enough. Setback.
You're wearing earplugs? Well you're walking so that's occlusion. Another setback.
Hey you're typing too fast. Setback.
Nice earmuffs. Too bad they are sucking the life out of your ear drums. Gonna have to give you a setback for that one.
Double protection? Sorry, you're already this far gone. It's not gonna help. Here's another set back as punishment.

I hate my body. I wish I had some sort of display that tells me when I'm pushing too hard. I can't do a single thing during the day without being punished in some way.

If I don't get good news in March I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't live like this. Getting better seems impossible. I've only gotten worse.

This is literally me word for word. If it keeps going like this, it's just going to get worse. And one day I won't be able to take anymore. Haven't we already suffered enough?

 

[Johan001]

I'm happy for you, Johan. Any pointers on how you are doing it?

Thanks @Uklawyer.

First of all just time, I believe that's the key component. And support network, my parents and friends, I'm blessed with those. Then:

- reading lots of success stories here, over and over;
- tried all kinds of supplements for anxiety, I found Tibetan herbs working for me, but that may be my personal experience;
- tried benzos and Quetiapine and wish I never touched that stuff. Clonazepam nearly did me in and Quetiapine spiked up my tinnitus like crazy. Neither of them calmed me down actually;
- Mirtazapine for sleep;
- from what I've read, you are very early on, so you have to acknowledge it through this period;
- I seek inspiration in people who deal with massive health adversities. There's a few books that helped me, one very good book is by Mike Knight, called Tinnitus: From Suicide, Acceptance to Happiness. I read it a few times during the darkest days, definitely recommend it;
- there are lots of celebrities who have tinnitus. Apart from a few well known cases, I read that Nigel Farage has tinnitus from a head trauma in his 20s. Now, I may not agree with his political views, but he did achieve some things in life despite the ringing.

 

[dan]

I'm in psych ward - in a foreign country. Feels like the end for me. They are drugging me up to help ease the torment for a bit. But what will it change?

What are you doing in a foreign country?