Another Option for Me — Suicide

[Flamingo1]

"False" hope for those with open minds.

 

[Paulmanlike]

Don't know how much longer I can go on for, every suicide page has don't kill yourself to a temporary problem, but tinnitus isn't a temporary problem is it, most of us have it for life. I just want this misery to end.

 

[Kolisar]

every suicide page has don't kill yourself to a temporary problem, but tinnitus isn't a temporary problem is it, most of us have it for life. I just want this misery to end.

Hey @Paulmanlike, I understand. I have researched suicide (after my failed attempt, I thought some more knowledge would help). And, you are correct, most sites to say something along the lines of "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". And, you may be correct in that you may have it for life, I certainly have so far. And, like you, I often think that I cannot continue. But, I have, and you certainly can as well. Trust me, I am not that strong. I have absolutely no idea how I have managed to stay alive this long. And I certainly feel that my sanity is being leached out of me by this constant ringing and hissing. Yet we still go on.

You originally started this thread on August 9th, that is seven days ago. You managed to continue on for seven days, an entire week. You somehow, probably beyond your own expectations, found the strength to continue. That is a good thing. You have posts that provide information and help people, people who, like you, feel that they are at the end of their rope. And, despite you feeling that you do not have any strength left to continue, you manage to summon strength to help others. That act in itself should demonstrate to you that your life is worth preserving. You are making a difference in the lives of people you do not know, and probably will never meet in real life. And probably more than you know because you are not only helping the people to whom you respond, but countless people who read your responses and onto comment r even acknowledge that they have read or been helped by your posts.

You have the strength, and you can go on. You have been going on for a while. Your profile says that you joined the forum on April 15, 2017. You have posted hundreds (over 300) messages. You have held on for four months so far. You can keep going. To take a line from the numerous addiction programs, you just need to talk it "one day at a time". Every day promise yourself that you will get through today. That is all you need to do, don't worry about making it through tomorrow, focus on surviving today. I know that in itself can be difficult, and I certainly think about ending it all on pretty much a daily basis, but you can do it. You can make it through today. And, as you know, we will be here to help you though today, and all of the future "todays" you will make it through.

Hang in there @Paulmanlike. You have made it this long, I know you can keep going.

 

[Lex]

@Paulmanlike If you can, please give it another year or at least, six months. Suicide is a major decision and there's no turning back once you've managed to complete it.

And even if you're convinced you'll still want to die at the end of that extension, then use this extra time to reflect on your life, bond with your loved ones, make peace with whatever god you believe in, finalize your will, do some more good deeds, reach out to people you've always wanted to reconnect with, etc. Who knows, maybe you'll change your mind after. And if not, then at least you already prepared yourself for it. Don't let suicide be a choice you make impulsively.

 

[Mettafort]

Researching suicide, analyzing suicide, imagining suicide and romanticizing suicide feeds the T-Rex until it grows so big and overpowering that somethings gotta break. It's ironic...nay tragic, that when you get to the point of ending it and look death straight in the eye and sincerely choose life, the T-Rex's power begins to diminish.

* * *

Now it's wild tangent story time, pull up a chair.

Let's pretend you're a noble knight who for whatever reason has decided NOT to let the scream of the Tin dragon consume you. First, you need to know that the Tin dragon's scream is actually a spell...similar to a Siren's song. Let's call it the 'Self' spell.

"I've heard the false promises of magical potions before," said the noble knight, crossing his arms in defiance, "they amount to nothing! Empty promises, nothing more!"

"There are no magic potions, no wands of laser healing, no special herbs. You must break the spell on your own, for no one and no thing can do it for you."

"How do I break this spell!" said the noble knight, clutching his ears.

"A good question Sir Knight and there are many answers. I have but one. Other hero's and heroine's such as yourself have discovered different ways to tame the Tin Dragon. I am certain they would be willing to share their tales of victory. But first you'll need to uncover your ears."

The noble knight dropped his hands downs for a moment and said, "This better be good, otherwise I'm letting that fucker eat me!"

"Please no Sir Knight, for that is the intent of the spell! To be consumed by the Tin Dragon's scream until thou dost sacrifice oneself to it."

"I can't take it anymore!"

"There are many of champions throughout history and in this very forum who have overcome impossible hardship, handicap and obstacles. They can be a tremendous source of inspiration. By looking outside of ourselves the spell can be broken just long enough to see..."

"Out with it Sage," said the Noble Knight, "to see what exactly!"

"...to see that the Tin Dragon just wants to go home with you. For in truth, the Tin Dragon only consumes those who choose to fight it instead of giving it the unconditional love and acceptance it's demanding. Once it has that, the "Self" spell is permanently broken and the Tin Dragon's scream has no lasting power over you anymore. You then become King of both the inner and outer realms."

Hrmm, be eaten or be kinged, what shall I do?

Fantastic.

 

[Paulmanlike]

I don't know how you all have the strength but I admire you for it.

It seems that my mind has already been made up because I get this anxious feeling all over my body, a sense of relief that I won't suffer anymore, constant vivid dreams of my dead relatives, I just want to sleep now.

 

[Bobbie7]

I don't know how you all have the strength but I admire you for it.

It seems that my mind has already been made up because I get this anxious feeling all over my body, a sense of relief that I won't suffer anymore, constant vivid dreams of my dead relatives, I just want to sleep now.

Dear @Paulmanlike -

If you carry through with this act, you will NEVER have a chance of experiencing the possibility of various important future events in this Life. While others in your situation will most likely go on to habituate, you will not know of anything. Think of those who love you. Think hard! My husband's grandmother COMMITTED SUICIDE ... you can not even begin to imagine what her sons and daughters experienced. My mother-in-law was a changed woman forever after learning her mother killed herself. My husband, who loved his grandmother sorely missed her and could not take in as a child what had happened. Her children while they functioned, were never the same. Furthermore, the reverberations of this ultimate, final act had ever-widening ripples of unimaginable sadness and I am sure those left behind felt --- for it is human ---some degree of guilt feeling they might have helped the person more.

Be completely rational... you must think... think... think. You only have one life and you will be THROWING IT AWAY!
Your precious life! Gone! @Paulmanlike - stay in Life... have the hope that you will some day look back upon this phase of life after you have learned to live with tinnitus...or..improvement is seen through some technique.... or medical advancement/breakthrough ... or your habituation.

Opt for life !

 

[Paulmanlike]

Dear @Paulmanlike -

If you carry through with this act, you will NEVER have a chance of experiencing the possibility of various important future events in this Life. While others in your situation will most likely go on to habituate, you will not know of anything. Think of those who love you. Think hard! My husband's grandmother COMMITTED SUICIDE ... you can not even begin to imagine what her sons and daughters experienced. My mother-in-law was a changed woman forever after learning her mother killed herself. My husband, who loved his grandmother sorely missed her and could not take in as a child what had happened. Her children while they functioned, were never the same. Furthermore, the reverberations of this ultimate, final act had ever-widening ripples of unimaginable sadness and I am sure those left behind felt --- for it is human ---some degree of guilt feeling they might have helped the person more.

Be completely rational... you must think... think... think. You only have one life and you will be THROWING IT AWAY!
Your precious life! Gone! @Paulmanlike - stay in Life... have the hope that you will some day look back upon this phase of life after you have learned to live with tinnitus...or..improvement is seen through some technique.... or medical advancement/breakthrough ... or your habituation.

Opt for life !

Thanks Barbara

I'm just struggling to imagine myself happy again, my depression has been since March this year with my increase in volume. I am forever obsessing over it where my OCD might be blocking any hope of habituation. It's a screech in my ear that I find very uncomfortable and depressing. I don't know how long I can carry on for. The thought of being no longer here especially in this body with the noise in a way comforts me that I won't have to suffer anymore but then the guilt of doing it to my partner and family destroys me. I have been thinking about it non stop and I can't seem to get out of it. It's come to a point now where I am planning it rather than just thinking about it.

Another thing that sums up my OCD is intolerance of uncertainty, the thought of there ever or not being a cure of an effective treatment consumes me. On top of the guilt that is that it was myself who exposed myself to loud night clubs and I damaged myself leading to this.

I'm so obsessed and consumed by tinnitus is everyday I look for an update for a promise or hope for a cure.

 

[vermillion]

Wow. You really proud yourself in thinking you a realist, don´t you?
But you are not. You are a pessimist. But there is nothing wrong with that, it´s just a different kind of tactics to cope. Then you can only be pleasantly suprised, right?

The fact of the matter, in regards to "a cure" is that we just do not know.
What we do know, is that nobody knows, and thus to boldly state: "No cure in the near future. Period" is flat out pessimistic, at best.

Within 18 month we will probably know if FTX approach will work for us(many of us) or not. And I´m sure you´ll agree that is in the near future?

Now, for the time being, one can only inform on self as much as one can about their approach, and choose to believe for it to work, or not.
And in there lies the hope. There is no such thing as false hope. Hope is hope, until it´s shattered or fulfilled.
Shattered hope is not a good feeling, but having none is far worse in my opinion. (Or frustrating, to use your words)

I´m not talking about hope in religious context here. That I know nothing about. I´m talking about hope, based on intelligence(information).

It really doesnt matter if I am considered pessimist. I still have different opinion. I too would wish to experience progress on treatments like FTX and possible relief, but I keep my enthusiasm till I see any of those product pipelines in action. Meanwhile this old castle is still under the rule of the hearing aids industry and of its' habitants the only t-free are its' mouses. This ain't gonna be an easy battle. In the end we all want the same. I wouldn't like to further debate. I truly wish you all the best.
V.

 

[vermillion]

@Paulmanlike
I feel a bit like I have hijacked your support thread discussing a different matter. Please accept my apologies. I hope you feel better today. Feel free to drop me a message. I can relate.

 

[Bobbie7]

Another thing that sums up my OCD is intolerance of uncertainty, the thought of there ever or not being a cure of an effective treatment consumes me. On top of the guilt that is that it was myself who exposed myself to loud night clubs and I damaged myself leading to this.

I'm so obsessed and consumed by tinnitus is everyday I look for an update for a promise or hope for a cure.

Please listen to me @Paulmanlike - While I didn't have tinnitus at the time I was seriously contemplating suicide...with razor in my hand BUT my thoughts quickly went to my then-young son and my mother whom I would leave behind in absolute agony... I stopped and put that damn razor down because in those few moments, I thought about what "forever dead" would mean and, moreover, what my death would mean to them! I'm not telling you that the road ahead will be easy but if you prevail.... I earnestly believe it will become easier... some how... some way... but once you pull that "trigger" or whatever means you have thought of (heaven forbid!) you leave your parents and your partner, whom if they are important.. you will STOP what you are obsessing about. Speak to your partner... does he/she have any idea of what you are contemplating Paul????? Or your parents????

Also.. you must stop the guilt! If I felt guilt about every action in my life... both self-inflicted and inadvertently directed to someone else.. I would surely feel miserable but Paul.. you did not cause your tinnitus... if it was caused by some factor of which you are aware but were not at the time... stop blaming yourself.... enough! Years ago I got cancer... maybe it was due to my heavy, heavy smoking.... but should I reproach myself constantly, non-stop for it???? No! There is no good in looking back and saying ... I shouldn't have this.. I shouldn't have that... I did this to myself.. and on and on and on. No purpose to it.

Try every reasonable treatment which will not harm you....... read those success stories.. listen to those seasoned and experience wise people on this forum --- and I have no doubt... there are so many who have far worse than you... and they want to live and overcome. You do also Paul... you do!!! You don't really want to die... just a cessation to your suffering and I realize this. You are feeling weak now, miserable and too vulnerable to make any rational decisions. Give it time... there are so many variables to which you will be closing off to yourself.

PLEASE take heart... have you discussed your wish with your therapist/psychiatrist or whomever is qualified to hear and understand the seriousness of this?

Do not act in haste. Had my mother-in-law's mother shared her wish to end her life to those who understood and felt similarly.. she would have no doubt heard from those who had changed their minds and chose Life instead. She was probably so overwrought... as you are now but I am certain she did not have the benefit of speaking with others who tried to dissuade her; they would have cared and wanted her to live.

I have the benefit of experience and much heartache in my Life, unfortunately. I understand you... I know... I do... but try to have courage and I know it isn't easy. Please try - for your parents' sake... and for your partner's sake and for all those others to whom you have such value and importance::::: Choose Life.

 

[glynis]

@Paulmanlike ,
Someone asked me a question once and I found the answer very hard to say.

Question -
What do I find the hardest to cope with?
Breathing problem or tinnitus.

Struggling to breath and stay alive or
Sever Bilateral Tinnitus...
struggling to breath wanting to live or living a life with tinnitus that can be mental torture to be alive....
My answer.....
We all deserve to be happy and only we can control that even though life seems so unfair health wise.
I want to make the most of every minute regarding what life throws at me because it's my life and every minute is precious.
You will learn over time that life isn't always as nice as we want it to be but we gain strength over time to adapt .
My youngest sons girl friend had a brother whom ended his life ( details left out to protect members )
The family have been through hell and back and 3 years later still mentally scared....

Love glynis

 

[threefirefour]

Don't know how much longer I can go on for, every suicide page has don't kill yourself to a temporary problem, but tinnitus isn't a temporary problem is it, most of us have it for life. I just want this misery to end.

I fully agree and emphasize. I want it to end to. Hopefully I get the courage to kill myself soon because there's no end in sight. It never helps that people just don't understand what we're going through, if they did there would be so much more awareness and drive to find a cure.

 

[glynis]

I understand @threefirefour ,
But we need to help talk people down from suicidal intentions and point them to contact the right people whom are trained to help them and like yourself you need to contact-
Your Doctor,Mental Health,Samaritans, Get admitted in hospital and a plan of action and Medication to help you move forwards in a positive way.
Please get the support you need.
Love glynis

 

[threefirefour]

I understand @threefirefour ,
But we need to help talk people down from suicidal intentions and point them to contact the right people whom are trained to help them and like yourself you need to contact-
Your Doctor,Mental Health,Samaritans, Get admitted in hospital and a plan of action and Medication to help you move forwards in a positive way.
Please get the support you need.
Love glynis

Hospitals do absolutely nothing for this, take it from someone who has been to one. It just puts you in debt. Trust me, someone who agrees is so much better than someone who wants to stop them from committing suicide. I know from experience.

 

[glynis]

@threefirefour ,
One bad experience, when Tinnitus Talk is world wide and has different support available can not stand by without pointing them in the right direction for help.
A cry for help can get support!

I know how it feels wanting to end it as I have felt that way but trust me...you will get through this as life changes all the time.

Please get support as @Paulmanlike needs...
Love glynis

 

[threefirefour]

@threefirefour ,
One bad experience, when Tinnitus Talk is world wide and has different support available can not stand by without pointing them in the right direction for help.
A cry for help can get support!

I know how it feels wanting to end it as I have felt that way but trust me...you will get through this as life changes all the time.

Please get support as @Paulmanlike needs...
Love glynis

I absolutely know that isn't true. It never gets better, only worse, and there isn't going to be a cure for a long time, probably not in Munich lifetime. There's no reason to pretend to be optimistic about it.

 

[Bobbie7]

I fully agree and emphasize. I want it to end to. Hopefully I get the courage to kill myself soon because there's no end in sight. It never helps that people just don't understand what we're going through, if they did there would be so much more awareness and drive to find a cure.

Please read everything I said to @Paulmanlike for it also applies to you or any person who is contemplating suicide. I feel it actually takes far more courage to face adversity and live than to end one's own life. To seek medical and professional counsel to help you overcome your despair, desperation and depression takes courage and is the wisest choice. No one really wants to die - it is against human nature's strongest will to survive... it is only out of our desire for the pain to stop that leads us to even consider such an act! I understand this very well. What you need to keep close is the hope that the situation will change and this is an act of kindness rather than an angry and desperate one resulting in suicide.

Don't do anything rash.... seek help. As I mentioned before... there are many, many members here who have triumphed over their miserable, unrelenting and sometimes intrusive tinnitus... but they have over a period of time, had the patience to learn how to deal with it and have gone on to habituate and lead enriched and meaningful lives.

Suicide is not the answer... it is only the end to: everything! Choose Life @threefirefour .

 

[PaulBe]

Ironically though there have been statements made from professionals that a cure or treatment is within touching distance and something could become available by 2020. Then others who state not in our lifetimes.
It's impossible to tell, I don't like the uncertainty, a natural obsessive compulsive trait.

Cures for everything that ails us are just around the corner, and have been so now for fifty or more years. All that's needed is (always) more money.

 

[threefirefour]

Please read everything I said to @Paulmanlike for it also applies to you or any person who is contemplating suicide. I feel it actually takes far more courage to face adversity and live than to end one's own life. To seek medical and professional counsel to help you overcome your despair, desperation and depression takes courage and is the wisest choice. No one really wants to die - it is against human nature's strongest will to survive... it is only out of our desire for the pain to stop that leads us to even consider such an act! I understand this very well. What you need to keep close is the hope that the situation will change and this is an act of kindness rather than an angry and desperate one resulting in suicide.

Don't do anything rash.... seek help. As I mentioned before... there are many, many members here who have triumphed over their miserable, unrelenting and sometimes intrusive tinnitus... but they have over a period of time, had the patience to learn how to deal with it and have gone on to habituate and lead enriched and meaningful lives.

Suicide is not the answer... it is only the end to: everything! Choose Life @threefirefour .

I'm tired of typing this phrase all the time. Habituation is a meme I get some people would prefer to live with it but I don't understand them. Tinnitus is one of the worst things I can think of having, and would rather have almost anything else. Idc about courage or whatever if much rather kick the bucket. I certainly hope other people choose otherwise but that won't be me.

 

[Bobbie7]

@threefirefour - I would like to know if you have spoken with a psychiatrist/therapist and are you on any antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication?

 

[threefirefour]

@threefirefour - I would like to know if you have spoken with a psychiatrist/therapist and are you on any antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication?

No but that has nothing to do with it. The fact I hear a loud noise wherever I go no matter what has everything to do with it though.

 

[Bobbie7]

No but that has nothing to do with it. The fact I hear a loud noise wherever I go no matter what has everything to do with it though.

Did you read any of the Success Stories by people like @glynis, @billie48 and @Karen just to name a very few. There are so many of these...people like you... just like you... who have achieved habituation. By the way... habituation doesn't mean that they are without tinnitus so they hear it as well but have learned to overcome this. Prior to your getting tinnitus.. how did you find the quality of your life?

 

[glynis]

@threefirefour ,
I totally understand what it's like with this mental torture 24/7....
Last year I was struggling with head tinnitus and sever bilateral tinnitus with Menieres and sever asthma...
My doctor put me on Nortryptaline and it stopped my head tinnitus and low drone but still have high pitch tinnitus in both ears ....
I have so much to live for but it's hard just to breath at times too !

With the right support in place a life worth living can be gained....
Try not to loose hope and we are here for you around the clock and do understand.
Take care love glynis

 

[threefirefour]

Did you read any of the Success Stories by people like @glynis, @billie48 and @Karen just to name a very few. There are so many of these...people like you... just like you... who have achieved habituation. By the way... habituation doesn't mean that they are without tinnitus so they hear it as well but have learned to overcome this. Prior to your getting tinnitus.. how did you find the quality of your life?

Alright just to make it absolutely clear every time I see the word "habituation", my mind tunes out automatically because what follows almost always has nothing of value. To be respectful to you as much as possible I read your full comments but it's not easy to overcome a natural mental trigger, so you might want to avoid talking about it.

Overall the quality of life before tinnitus was great. Now I would rather be dead. Screw tinnitus.

 

[Amiel]

threefirefour is one of those fellas who get nothing from a support forum... why even bother chatting in a support page if they don't want the advice and believe there's nothing to be done for them! Twisted

 

[threefirefour]

threefirefour is one of those fellas who get nothing from a support forum... why even bother chatting in a support page if they don't want the advice and believe there's nothing to be done for them! Twisted

What the heck? I get information from this site. Just because I'm "negative" (right) doesn't mean somehow that I'm twisted or whatever.

 

[glynis]

Everyone's post is equally important...
We are always here to support everyone as much as we can but not medically trained but understand all aspects of tinnitus.

I do hope @threefirefour You life gets better for you and you will with out any dought be a member to support others as you have been through all aspects of tinnitus.
I don't know you but I hope you do get some comfort coming on here and helps in someway....
Don't ever thing we are putting you down with how you feel and hope life gets better for you.
Keep posting for support ....Love glynis

 

[threefirefour]

Everyone's post is equally important...
We are always here to support everyone as much as we can but not medically trained but understand all aspects of tinnitus.

I do hope @threefirefour You life gets better for you and you will with out any dought be a member to support others as you have been through all aspects of tinnitus.
I don't know you but I hope you do get some comfort coming on here and helps in someway....
Don't ever thing we are putting you down with how you feel and hope life gets better for you.
Keep posting for support ....Love glynis

Thanks. I'm pretty sure it will only get worse until I'm done completely. I never mean to attack the community, even if it seems like it.

 

[Bobbie7]

@threefirefour - ~~~ and I second exactly what @glynis has said. I wish the best for you.

Sincerely,
Barbara