You are still so new to T mate, I was a mess early on as well (still am in some ways but a lot better in some ways as well) it's a journey nobody wants and it's a fu@%er of a ride. I still struggle with what was and slowly since I've got T I see changes in myself that I don't like but as Emma said we are no longer who we were.
I know not everybody can come to terms with this noise (I question if anybody truly does if I'm honest) but we have to come to terms that our life will never be the same again, make changes that we need to and keep hoping that tomorrow will be better as much as it sounds cliche. We will make new memories, take joy in the things that we can, see the places that we always wanted to, this is what I keep telling myself even when I just want to say f@#k it what's the point where's the rope.....
I hope you power on mate, give it time and let the grieving process takes its course. Keep yourself as active as you can, eat cleanly as possible, take joy in your loved ones when you can, try yoga? Meditation, try deep breathing exercises and who knows in the next few years we may see some possible actual treatments??