I rolled on MDMA again last weekend. It was a week earlier than I had planned. You're supposed to wait a month (at least, ideally 1-3 months) between rolls due to the inevitable serotonin depletion.
But I was having a moment of weakness with my tinnitus last weekend. And I was like "eh fuck it!" And dug out my bag of MDMA crystal.
I intended on a bigger dose. And I took an even bigger dose than recommended. About 150mg is right for my body weight. With an added booster dose of about 100mg about an hour and a half in.
But instead I took a 200mg rock and did another 100mg about an hour and a half in.
About 20 minutes into the experience I started feeling warm and a little light headed. And then I'm like "oh. It's starting."
So about a 1/2 hour in, I notice my tinnitus getting louder. The opposite effect of what I was after! However I realized it was an effect of the drug and that helped me ride it out.
But as I started approaching about a hour in it starts building the intensity of my T. And then it kept building. And building. And BUILDING!!! Until I felt my head was about to literally vibrate apart and then explode.
But then....I felt this intensely comforting warmness envelop my body. And in a whooshing sensation the tinnitus receded to the back ground. It was still there and still intense. But the impressive thing is, it was no longer bothering me.
I was accepting the sensation that always bothers and challenges me. My tinnitus is an extremely hard, abrasive sensation that's always there and leaves me depleted and stressed out. But at this point in the experience, it wasn't bothering me in the least.
Instead of tinnitus being a "hard" experience that was difficult to accept. It turned into a "soft" experience, despite the way it sounded. And was completely 100% acceptable. It was absolutely okay to be experiencing the tinnitus at that point.
What I learned about my tinnitus in this session (and to a lesser extent at the previous session at 1/2 this dose) was the extreme pervasiveness of this disorder throughout my brain. Literally every corner of my mind that ai could visit was simply bathed in sound. It was everywhere. There was no escape. I realized I would probabably die this way.
But the most important realization I had during all this, was that it was ok and something that was easy to accept. All was well with the world at that point.
That was at about an hour to an hour and a half in. So at 1.5 hours like I said I took the booster dose. Another 100mg. And at about the 2 hour mark, my perception of the tinnitus was that it was actually getting quieter.
And at about 3 hours in, the tinnitus, while not entirely gone, was so subsided at that point I had to focus on it to even notice. For a while, it was almost entirely gone. An amazing sensation that I wish I had all the time!!!
Then at about 4 hours the tinnitus started coming back. At 5 it was at the usual levels (in other words, pretty bad). But I was still accepting it, and doing better than usual.
At that stage, due to the serotonin depletion I was experiencing, I started "gurning". Which is a term MDMA users have for when your mouth and jaw starts going slightly out of control because of seratonin depletion. My jaw (as does happen with this drug) started involuntarily extending out. Like I had an extremely protruding jaw.
And my teeth started chattering. It was a little distressing I guess. But again, MDMA has a way of making everything feel OK.
At about 4 am, I fell asleep. I rolled late, starting around 8pm. And I fell asleep, jaw protruding, teeth chattering and tinnitus absolutely POUNDING. But feeling absolutely ok about it.
It's an absolutely wonderful experience, overall, that I plan on repeating every 1-3 months. And overall, I'd highly favor MDMA over Trobalt a million to one. No regrets at all over the MDMA.