Suicidal

[Fabrikat]

@PeteJ, perhaps to put your tinnitus into perspective, it may be helpful to you to see how others manage to deal with their condition.

Zoe Cartwright has suffered with severe tinnitus for over a decade. Her condition is vastly intensified due to the fact that she is deaf. All she hears is tinnitus. No external sounds.

If she has somehow managed to survive with this for so long, its possible for you to also find a way through your current distress.

 

[just1morething]

My tinnitus noise I describe as an electrical noise like a large power line buzzing.

That's what mine used to sound like...truly miserable. Now I wake up to static type noise. If I take some clonazepam plus perhaps gabapentin and get busy at something it usually goes away after 1-2 hours. Maybe it's more of the distraction? The brain has to break the loop it's in.

I went to bed fine last night but my brain always resets upon awakening for some reason. I don't like it but not sure how to change it so far.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Why do you think we do not understand? My tinnitsu is blasting 9/10 right now. I MUST GO ON.... Yesterday, It was 2/10. I MUST GO ON... Tomorrow, my tinnitus will be whatever it wants to be. My life is not what I wanted and it has been forever changed by tinnitus. I MUST GO ON.....

But that doesn't mean the same for everybody else.

I am not telling PeteJ that he must stay alive at whatever cost, although I think one should wait 2 years to see if the tinnitus improves. But in the end, it is entirely his decision what he chooses.

 

[Lane]

I don't see how one can function with tinnitus this loud. Sleep? How? This is insane. How can the brain and ears become like this?

@PeteJ -- What you're going through reminds me somewhat of @dpdx's experiences in the first 1 year+ following his tinnitus onset. If you visit his PROFILE PAGE, you'll note that after suffering terribly for that first year, things are beginning to improve for him. He's not over it by any means, but he seems to be coping much better, and hopes a cure will come at some point.

I myself didn't get much stability in my t&h until about the 8 month mark. Until that point, it continued to fluctuate wildly, often seeming like it was getting worse over time. Very unsettling, but then I realized many of the new tones and sounds I was experiencing was because the louder ones I had been hearing were beginning to soften a bit.

I guess my point is, don't think that things can't get better, because they absolutely can. What you need to do is focus on Priority Number 1: Figure out a way to get some sleep! Once you start getting some sleep, many things will almost assuredly begin to improve. The first thing that helped me sleep was getting a prescription for Tylenol 4, and getting some codeine in my body. The first time a took only a 1/4 of a tablet, I went from 30 minutes of sleep per day to several hours.

St. John's Wort has been known to help some people with sleep. Because it raises seratonin levels, it has the possibility of softening tinnitus volume and intensity as well. As an earlier poster said, "Do Something!" I would advise putting all your energies into figuring out a way to get some sleep. Be as methodical as you can be about it, and take it one step at a time.

Many on this forum on rooting for you!

 

[Lynny]

@PeteJ, perhaps to put your tinnitus into perspective, it may be helpful to you to see how others manage to deal with their condition.

Zoe Cartwright has suffered with severe tinnitus for over a decade. Her condition is vastly intensified due to the fact that she is deaf. All she hears is tinnitus. No external sounds.

If she has somehow managed to survive with this for so long, its possible for you to also find a way through your current distress.

I can't believe I've never seen this/ heard of her! Wow. So many feelings summed up in one video. Thanks for sharing

 

[Contrast]

I can't believe I've never seen this/ heard of her! Wow. So many feelings summed up in one video. Thanks for sharing

You're still new. Your tinnitus might fade to a more tolerable level in a year or so. No need to accept the worst yet.

 

[Lynny]

You're still new. Your tinnitus might fade to a more tolerable level in a year or so. No need to accept the worst yet.

I thought the 6 month mark means it's probably chronic

 

[Tinniger]

I can't sleep.

Btw, - apart from benzodiazepines, there is the tetracyclic antidepressant Mirtazapine, which usually has a pronounced sleep-inducing effect and also ensures very long sleep.

Mirtazapine is certainly (also) a devil drug with various side effects, but its addictive potential is said to be significantly lower than that of benzodiazepines.

 

[AVIYT]

I don't want to live anymore neither. Not this way. I'm 25 years old and I'm really fucked up.

Don't want to live the rest of my life like that. I just don't.

If you were to go ahead with planning for death (I understand your perspective, I too have suicidal thoughts daily and have been since this started 8 months ago), I'd recommend at least telling yourself that suicide isn't going to be the way out. Assisted suicide would be a better option, aka Euthanasia. First of all, it takes a few months to sort out, which maybe in that time a cure will come out or things will get better with hope. Second, it is cleaner and better for family/loved ones to go through. Having time to prepare your goodbye's will mean the difference between trauma and being able to get through it. Third, you can go out on your own terms. If you choose not to, it can be avoided. One thing is the cost of course, but if you take it on credit it's not like you'll have to pay anyways.

But regardless, having written that... I'm not actually encouraging you to go through with it. Because I feel like dying, however I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself (how punny) if I didn't at least try EVERYTHING. So... if you haven't tried all these tests, then get started. First of all, MRI + EEG test to rule out anything that can be fixed. Also SPECT scan as this is more detailed. Visit an ENT, dentist and neurologist to rule out ETD or jaw misalignment to rule out the fixable stuff. Visit a GP or psychiatrist to give you benzodiazepenes for short-term use (ONLY SHORT TERM) on the days when you're really feeling bad.

And then go forward with the depression fighting stuff. I don't recommend psychiatrists for SSRIs or any of that, but there's a small chance it could work. However, what I'm currently going through is trying Ketamine and psychedelics to try and fight the suicidal fights. If you haven't thought about it yet, I'd look into it. Also another drug is coming out soon called Sage-217 that could help eliminate depression.

Did you try a hearing aid? You can rent them. I have an appointment before Lenire to see if that could help. Try all the woo-woo stuff too, why not: Acupuncture, chiro adjustment, meditation, yoga, massages.

My personal favorite is just driving. Showers help too. But driving around distracts my brain.

I wish you well. Just count down the days and try a few treatments before giving in the towel. I know this is hard, I'm angry and depressed about it.. it's severe, but maybe the future will be better.

 

[acute]

Assisted suicide would be a better option, aka Euthanasia.

Hey, Hello. Thanks for your answer. I would clearly prefer to have the possibility of choosing assisted suicide, considering that it is the safest way to death and there is no risk of becoming paralyzed or disabled.

In my country, euthanasia is not legal even for the terminally ill people. I would never be considered a candidate for euthanasia in my country. And I doubt I can have assisted suicide if I am not a citizen of the country that has allowed it.

Tinnitus sufferers are always forgotten and ignored, nobody takes us seriously, nobody understands us. I don't even think they gave us euthanasia even in a country where it was legal.

I need the tinnitus to go away. Is the tinnitus or me.

 

[Raphael7713]

Pete I have also been in an extremely dark place, trust me brother. And when I say dark, I mean DARK! There was no way out of it I thought, I couldn't see how it POSSIBLY could get any better. But it DOES, it's not hippy bullshit that you tell others just so that they can feel better, it's actually true. You are STILL very new to this, February 2019... 6 months has passed and you are in your early stages still.

I know it sounds like the most boring answer ever and you are sick of hearing about it. But you need to give it time!
You are most likely in a very bad state with huge anxiety, stress and depression and tinnitus feeds off of them. You need to calm your nervous system down and go away from that fight or flight state which your brain is in.

What really helped me was when I got sleeping pills from my friend that lasted for a week exactly. The pills first calmed me very much, I remember even smiling when I felt like SHIT, then it made me sleep. I did this for seven days then when I had slept good for a week thanks to the pills, life became easier and easier, i settled down slowly but surely every day til it got way, way better.

 

[Raphael7713]

Hey, Hello. Thanks for your answer. I would clearly prefer to have the possibility of choosing assisted suicide, considering that it is the safest way to death and there is no risk of becoming paralyzed or disabled.

In my country, euthanasia is not legal even for the terminally ill people. I would never be considered a candidate for euthanasia in my country. And I doubt I can have assisted suicide if I am not a citizen of the country that has allowed it.

Tinnitus sufferers are always forgotten and ignored, nobody takes us seriously, nobody understands us. I don't even think they gave us euthanasia even in a country where it was legal.

I need the tinnitus to go away. Is the tinnitus or me.

You are also very, very new to this and I have felt like you exactly. You need to be patient and let things take their time. You could bloody get rid of the damned T even in the near future, thats how new you are to this. I'm sorry, but you cant expect to feel GREAT right away, but you WILL get there, you just need to hang on, seek help, let it take its time.

I would like to know hwo you feel in a couple of months. I think you yourself will be surprised by how good it can actually get if you just calm down, give it time, take medication if you need for sleeping or calmess etc.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Pete I have also been in an extremely dark place, trust me brother. And when I say dark, I mean DARK! There was no way out of it I thought, I couldn't see how it POSSIBLY could get any better. But it DOES, it's not hippy bullshit that you tell others just so that they can feel better, it's actually true. You are STILL very new to this, February 2019... 6 months has passed and you are in your early stages still.

I know it sounds like the most boring answer ever and you are sick of hearing about it. But you need to give it time!
You are most likely in a very bad state with huge anxiety, stress and depression and tinnitus feeds off of them. You need to calm your nervous system down and go away from that fight or flight state which your brain is in.

What really helped me was when I got sleeping pills from my friend that lasted for a week exactly. The pills first calmed me very much, I remember even smiling when I felt like SHIT, then it made me sleep. I did this for seven days then when I had slept good for a week thanks to the pills, life became easier and easier, i settled down slowly but surely every day til it got way, way better.

Be careful to state that like a fact. Fact is not everybody gets used to this condition. BUT many people do and his tinnitus could still fade a bit, as it's still early days for him (anything under 1½-2 years is early days), which is why I personally think he needs to give it some more time.

 

[Raphael7713]

Be careful to state that like a fact. Fact is not everybody gets used to this condition. BUT many people do and his tinnitus could still fade a bit, as it's still early days for him (anything under 1½-2 years is early days), which is why I personally think he needs to give it some more time.

He or she can never know until they give it the time it needs. Both people I quoted has had tinnitus for less than 7 months which is very early still. You are right that not every one gets better with time, but these two people could very likely be one of those people that does get better.
And a lot of things can change if you give it time.

Your tinnitus could fade away or disappear entirely.
You find a medication that makes you cope and helps you with your life.
A cure/treatment comes out which may work for you.
Or you could get habituated to it. I know for some people habituation is something bad, makes it means that you still need to live with your tinnitus. But I have habituated to tinnitus and many others have as well, and it doesn't bother you once you habituate. But of course several factors play a role here, for instance how severe it is, how you are as a person etc.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

He or she can never know until they give it the time it needs. Both people I quoted has had tinnitus for less than 7 months which is very early still. You are right that not every one gets better with time, but these two people could very likely be one of those people that does get better.
And a lot of things can change if you give it time.

Your tinnitus could fade away or disappear entirely.
You find a medication that makes you cope and helps you with your life.
A cure/treatment comes out which may work for you.

Yes, exactly. I think he should give it some more time, cause it could get better.

 

[Raphael7713]

Yes, exactly. I think he should give it some more time, cause it could get better.

And sometimes you also need to let go. If you are constantly fighting the tinnitus and refuse to settle, habituate, live with it, accept it etc, your journey will be a lot tougher.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

And sometimes you also need to let go. If you are constantly fighting the tinnitus and refuse to settle, habituate, live with it, accept it etc, your journey will be a lot tougher.

But that is much easier said than done. Plus some of us have hyperacusis, that limits our life regardless. I can't remember if PeteJ has hyperacusis, but if he doesn't, then there is already a plus there.

 

[Raphael7713]

But that is much easier said than done. Plus some of us have hyperacusis, that limits our life regardless. I can't remember if PeteJ has hyperacusis, but if he doesn't, then there is already a plus there.

Even if tinnitus could be permanent, hyperacusis is one of those things that most likely will go away. Now I don't want to give false promises, but hyperacusis is related to stress/anxiety. Even people that do not have tinnitus can experience hyperacusis when under pressure or stressed. It's when your nerves system go bananas and you enter a fight or flight state and you get this extreme hearing when you sense everything because your brain is active and searching for danger.

And yes I've had it, not just talking.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Even if tinnitus could be permanent, hyperacusis is one of those things that most likely will go away. Now I don't want to give false promises, but hyperacusis is related to stress/anxiety. Even people that do not have tinnitus can experience hyperacusis when under pressure or stressed. It's when your nerves system go bananas and you enter a fight or flight state and you get this extreme hearing when you sense everything because your brain is active and searching for danger.

And yes I've had it, not just talking.

Sorry, but just because you have had it, does not mean you know exactly how hyperacusis works for everybody.......there are different kinds of hyperacusis and not all of them are treatable. Mine certainly has not gotten better, even though my stress/anxiety level is far lower now then at onset. There are several members on this site who have tried hard to get better, but still have bothersome hyperacusis.

 

[Raphael7713]

Sorry, but just because you have had it, does not mean you know exactly how hyperacusis works for everybody.......there are different kinds of hyperacusis and not all of them are treatable. Mine certainly has not gotten better, even though my stress/anxiety level is far lower now then at onset. There are several members on this site who have tried hard to get better, but still have bothersome hyperacusis.

Yes you are right.

 

[PeteJ]

@PeteJ -- What you're going through reminds me somewhat of @dpdx's experiences in the first 1 year+ following his tinnitus onset. If you visit his PROFILE PAGE, you'll note that after suffering terribly for that first year, things are beginning to improve for him. He's not over it by any means, but he seems to be coping much better, and hopes a cure will come at some point.

I myself didn't get much stability in my t&h until about the 8 month mark. Until that point, it continued to fluctuate wildly, often seeming like it was getting worse over time. Very unsettling, but then I realized many of the new tones and sounds I was experiencing was because the louder ones I had been hearing were beginning to soften a bit.

I guess my point is, don't think that things can't get better, because they absolutely can. What you need to do is focus on Priority Number 1: Figure out a way to get some sleep! Once you start getting some sleep, many things will almost assuredly begin to improve. The first thing that helped me sleep was getting a prescription for Tylenol 4, and getting some codeine in my body. The first time a took only a 1/4 of a tablet, I went from 30 minutes of sleep per day to several hours.

St. John's Wort has been known to help some people with sleep. Because it raises seratonin levels, it has the possibility of softening tinnitus volume and intensity as well. As an earlier poster said, "Do Something!" I would advise putting all your energies into figuring out a way to get some sleep. Be as methodical as you can be about it, and take it one step at a time.

Many on this forum on rooting for you!

Thank you. I appreciate it. That goes for everyone.

My tinnitus is really firing away... my left ear is in pain, too. It's related but I am not sure what increases the pain. Maybe clenching and grinding at night? I dunno.

I have St. John's Wort.

About benzos and meds: I live in Canada. There is a doctor shortage. Some doctors accept new patients but they will be more conservative than the one I have, I would bet on it. Some haven't even been practicing long or are from another country. I think the chance of 'showing up ' on a first visit and getting a benzo is pretty slim.

I didn't say that I am suicidal or had thoughts as I am not sure of our laws. I can't accept being forced to a mental health place. My tinnitus is so loud and high pitched so taking my freedom away like that... no. I read here of others being in such places and it didn't help them so it is something I want to avoid.

The tinnitus noise or sound is like cicadas. It's so loud outside I sometimes think it is real ones or I am not sure. It is really depressing. I wish it would be gone but if I have tinnitus, why can't it be mild?!?

What went so wrong? Loud sounds around here, maybe? Why did it worsen since April?!? :-(

I am broke. I have bills and social assistance programs here pay squat i.e. below standard of living. Disability doesn't cover tinnitus. I have trouble concentrating and focusing. I need to fill out forms but it's a struggle to do anything. Requirements that would be no problem before tinnitus.

I don't know how I can work with this. This is torture but people think I can live with this? But, you don't have exactly what I have. I still need dental work. I am worried about whether that will affect the tinnitus. I also have loud sounds on a regular basis around here. I don't have the $$ to move. I want to get ear plugs but a) I don't know if I will get irritated canals or ear pain and b) I will hear the tinnitus noise only as outside sounds are blocked or muffled. Also, they are $300+ for custom ones.

All these problems and the worst one being the state of the tinnitus.

I feel like I am forced to either suffer (and look for a job I will struggle with) or eventually take my life. I don't see other options.

 

[Contrast]

Thank you. I appreciate it. That goes for everyone.

My tinnitus is really firing away... my left ear is in pain, too. It's related but I am not sure what increases the pain. Maybe clenching and grinding at night? I dunno.

I have St. John's Wort.

About benzos and meds: I live in Canada. There is a doctor shortage. Some doctors accept new patients but they will be more conservative than the one I have, I would bet on it. Some haven't even been practicing long or are from another country. I think the chance of 'showing up ' on a first visit and getting a benzo is pretty slim.

I didn't say that I am suicidal or had thoughts as I am not sure of our laws. I can't accept being forced to a mental health place. My tinnitus is so loud and high pitched so taking my freedom away like that... no. I read here of others being in such places and it didn't help them so it is something I want to avoid.

The tinnitus noise or sound is like cicadas. It's so loud outside I sometimes think it is real ones or I am not sure. It is really depressing. I wish it would be gone but if I have tinnitus, why can't it be mild?!?

What went so wrong? Loud sounds around here, maybe? Why did it worsen since April?!? :-(

I am broke. I have bills and social assistance programs here pay squat i.e. below standard of living. Disability doesn't cover tinnitus. I have trouble concentrating and focusing. I need to fill out forms but it's a struggle to do anything. Requirements that would be no problem before tinnitus.

I don't know how I can work with this. This is torture but people think I can live with this? But, you don't have exactly what I have. I still need dental work. I am worried about whether that will affect the tinnitus. I also have loud sounds on a regular basis around here. I don't have the $$ to move. I want to get ear plugs but a) I don't know if I will get irritated canals or ear pain and b) I will hear the tinnitus noise only as outside sounds are blocked or muffled. Also, they are $300+ for custom ones.

All these problems and the worst one being the state of the tinnitus.

I feel like I am forced to either suffer (and look for a job I will struggle with) or eventually take my life. I don't see other options.

disability doesn't cover cochlear neuropathy, noise induced pain and chronic ear pain because they are not documented medical problems. They always get misdiagnoss as bruxism and ETD.

If the disease is not already listed in their books they assume you are crazy or lying.

 

[Tinniger]

About benzos and meds: I live in Canada. There is a doctor shortage. Some doctors accept new patients but they will be more conservative than the one I have, I would bet on it. Some haven't even been practicing long or are from another country. I think the chance of 'showing up ' on a first visit and getting a benzo is pretty slim.
I didn't say that I am suicidal or had thoughts as I am not sure of our laws. I can't accept being forced to a mental health place. My tinnitus is so loud and high pitched so taking my freedom away like that... no. I read here of others being in such places and it didn't help them so it is something I want to avoid.

Talking to your family doctor about suicidality is really not the best idea - because he might come up with the idea of putting you in a closed ward of psychiatry.

But, - you may speak of deep despair. And of extreme insomnia too. Then you "get" the psychiatric diagnosis "depression", but that is not bad. Anyone who struggles with a severe tinnitus will sooner or later become more or less depressed. This is perfectly normal.
Your family doctor will prescribe a sleeping pill and refer you to a psychiatrist. This is also not bad and completely normal.

Always talking about a rope and hanging yourself with it - that's bad, and that's not normal.

 

[HeavyMantra]

I thought the 6 month mark means it's probably chronic

Probably won't disappear completely, but there's a lot of room for it to be on a whole other lower level that you can handle

 

[Lane]

Mine certainly has not gotten better, even though my stress/anxiety level is far lower now then at onset. There are several members on this site who have tried hard to get better, but still have bothersome hyperacusis.

Hi @TheDanishGirl -- This bears repeating. It's often stated on this forum that hyperacusis will generally go away, but that has not been the case for me. And it doesn't have anything to do with overprotection. I feel mine started with a head injury, which eventually led to some type of vestibulopathy. In other words, an inner ear injury that stress reduction alone will not cure.

 

[PeteJ]

I want to reply to the rest. I love you guys, really. I appreciate all the replies and advice.

But, my left ear is in a lot of pain today and tonight. I don't know why. I haven't had it this bad in months.

I still don't know what it's from. Ear infection or from grinding and clenching in sleep? I don't think it's hyperacusis.

I am wondering what else would cause such ear pain in one ear.

It was bad all day but just now it went up a level in pain. I have no idea how I will sleep. The tinnitus is loud enough.

 

[Tinniger]

I have no idea how I will sleep.

Have you tried diphenhydramine yet? You get it over the counter.

 

[Raphael7713]

Hi @TheDanishGirl -- This bears repeating. It's often stated on this forum that hyperacusis will generally go away, but that has not been the case for me. And it doesn't have anything to do with overprotection. I feel mine started with a head injury, which eventually led to some type of vestibulopathy. In other words, an inner ear injury that stress reduction alone will not cure.

Some "experts" say that even if the reason for your hyperacusis is something physical, like a head injury or something, it's still your nervous system acting up and you entering a panic/fight-or-flight mode. Now I'm not a doctor and I will not give false hope, but I personally think that hyperacusis can disappear for everyone, or at least reduce in intensity.

The thing with tinnitus sufferers is that we are more than not in a stressy state, with anxiety and 1000 things going through our brains, so many emotions at the same time, so many feelings, thoughts etc that we almost never calm down and enter that equilibrium state.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Some "experts" say that even if the reason for your hyperacusis is something physical, like a head injury or something, it's still your nervous system acting up and you entering a panic/fight-or-flight mode. Now I'm not a doctor and I will not give false hope, but I personally think that hyperacusis can disappear for everyone, or at least reduce in intensity.

The thing with tinnitus sufferers is that we are more than not in a stressy state, with anxiety and 1000 things going through our brains, so many emotions at the same time, so many feelings, thoughts etc that we almost never calm down and enter that equilibrium state.

Well it can, but that doesn't mean it will.

 

[Mathieulh]

Hey, Hello. Thanks for your answer. I would clearly prefer to have the possibility of choosing assisted suicide, considering that it is the safest way to death and there is no risk of becoming paralyzed or disabled.

In my country, euthanasia is not legal even for the terminally ill people. I would never be considered a candidate for euthanasia in my country. And I doubt I can have assisted suicide if I am not a citizen of the country that has allowed it.

Tinnitus sufferers are always forgotten and ignored, nobody takes us seriously, nobody understands us. I don't even think they gave us euthanasia even in a country where it was legal.

I need the tinnitus to go away. Is the tinnitus or me.

As long as you are a EU citizen, you can head to another EU country which practices/allows euthanasia, such as the Netherlands and get admitted to a clinic there.