Suicidal

[Ctw]

I'm not sure how long I can carry on for. I need to find a way to accept this as part of me again. Or else I am done for. I went to my local graveyard to read the headstones this morning then sat in an overgrown area reading Reddit stories on suicide survivors. I know if I kill myself, my family will be destroyed but I just can't face another 30 years of this. I don't want die though. I want live but I want to live at peace with myself. That's not necessarily without tinnitus, just at peace with it.

At the same time I know I'm 52. Anything could happen and I might not last 30 years. There's no control over this tinnitus nor life itself.

How do you resign yourself to this? Accept it as part of you and learn to live again, not tormented by this noise yet still able to hear it?

Please somebody help me.

52 here as well and really struggling... let me know if you would like to chat..

 

[Allan1967]

Allan, please hold on for your family. Anything could happen, you could get an improvement in your tinnitus for all sorts of reasons. Is your tinnitus currently spiked from Lenire? Either way, I can see it must be extra unsettling trying that when you are so on the edge mentally.

I want to say I know my family will be ok without me but I know that's not true. I sat in a graveyard today reading Reddit stories and it's heartbreaking what some have written.

I think it has been spiked by Lenire and a brief exposure to a house alarm. My fear is it's permanent. My reactivity is worse too.

There must be a way through this. People live with other incurable and painful conditions, life altering injuries that completely change their lives in the blink of an eye. Look at Christopher Reeves (RIP).

How do they cope? What place in their consciousness do they reach that keeps them hanging on?

What do we have on the horizon in terms of a cure. Am I really looking at decades?

 

[Agrajag364]

I'm not sure how long I can carry on for. I need to find a way to accept this as part of me again. Or else I am done for. I went to my local graveyard to read the headstones this morning then sat in an overgrown area reading Reddit stories on suicide survivors. I know if I kill myself, my family will be destroyed but I just can't face another 30 years of this. I don't want die though. I want live but I want to live at peace with myself. That's not necessarily without tinnitus, just at peace with it.

At the same time I know I'm 52. Anything could happen and I might not last 30 years. There's no control over this tinnitus nor life itself.

How do you resign yourself to this? Accept it as part of you and learn to live again, not tormented by this noise yet still able to hear it?

Please somebody help me.

Can you talk to your wife, partner, children, a friend or your GP about how you feel?

 

[Allan1967]

Can you talk to your wife, partner, children, a friend or your GP about how you feel?

I talk to my wife or at least I try but she can't handle talk of me committing suicide. It's not that I want to, like everyone I just want it to stop.

But that isn't going to happen.

 

[JohnAdams]

I talk to my wife or at least I try but she can't handle talk of me committing suicide. It's not that I want to, like everyone I just want it to stop.

But that isn't going to happen.

Damn man my heart goes out to you about that alarm and possibly Lenire worsening your tinnitus. It's like we've already died and gone to hell and we are only allowed to have the opposite of what we need and want.

 

[Allan1967]

Damn man my heart goes out to you about that alarm and possibly Lenire worsening your tinnitus. It's like we've already died and gone to hell and we are only allowed to have the opposite of what we need and want.

Will there ever be a cure John?

 

[JohnAdams]

Will there ever be a cure John?

I have no idea, but I do think that FX-322 shows great promise so long as multiple doses of it don't cause cancer.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I talk to my wife or at least I try but she can't handle talk of me committing suicide. It's not that I want to, like everyone I just want it to stop.

But that isn't going to happen.

It may happen, it may not.

It's imperative to come to some level ground with the current meds being taken... ADs could be ramping up what is already unbearable.

Again, I will implore you to try a benzo, they are different.

If you can exercise where you wont be exposed to noise... this will produce natural dopamine and well being. It will take months to really feel the effects.

Eat healthy foods, have ginger tea and garlic.

Try everything Allen, if you haven't already.

Have hot baths, have massages from family if you can't afford to pay for one.
Stretch, stretch and breathe. Cry, and hug and cry again. Express your feelings.
Do what you can.

You said you put a noose on and stepped on a chair. This is not how our exit should go down. It's not fair to our loved ones. If we go, I would suggest, it is done in a holistic way, where we have prepped our family with a person who is capable of navigating people through this, a professional. One should have access to MDMA which is used in assisted suicides so when we leave we are filled with love and are in a peaceful state. Would that not be better for our loved ones and for ourselves. Suicide is also my ace in the whole, but we owe it to the survivors and to ourselves to do it right.

Since suicide is not an option now, try your best. Follow advice of people who have been there. This may help and carry you to a better place. All you can do is try and see where it gets you.

 

[Allan1967]

I have no idea, but I do think that FX-322 shows great promise so long as multiple doses of it don't cause cancer.

How long are we talking about? 10 years?

 

[Allan1967]

It may happen, it may not.

It's imperative to come to some level ground with the current meds being taken... ADs could be ramping up what is already unbearable.

Again, I will implore you to try a benzo, they are different.

If you can exercise where you wont be exposed to noise... this will produce natural dopamine and well being. It will take months to really feel the effects.

Eat healthy foods, have ginger tea and garlic.

Try everything Allen, if you haven't already.

Have hot baths, have massages from family if you can't afford to pay for one.
Stretch, stretch and breathe. Cry, and hug and cry again. Express your feelings.
Do what you can.

You said you put a noose on and stepped on a chair. This is not how our exit should go down. It's not fair to our loved ones. If we go, I would suggest, it is done in a holistic way, where we have prepped our family with a person who is capable of navigating people through this, a professional. One should have access to MDMA which is used in assisted suicides so when we leave we are filled with love and are in a peaceful state. Would that not be better for our loved ones and for ourselves. Suicide is also my ace in the whole, but we owe it to the survivors and to ourselves to do it right.

Since suicide is not an option now, try your best. Follow advice of people who have been there. This may help and carry you to a better place. All you can do is try and see where it gets you.

Thank you Daniel... you're a kind soul.

 

[JohnAdams]

How long are we talking about? 10 years?

I don't know man. I think they plan on 3 phases, so far each one appears to be 2 years long with an A and B part. They are starting phase 2 right now, so if it takes 2 years and phase 3 takes 2 years then 4 years plus how ever long it takes it to go from approval to market.

 

[carolinet617]

I had to sign up to reply to some of you..... Have you tried the "Tinnitus retraining. A wearable device delivers individually programmed tonal music to mask the specific frequencies of the tinnitus you experience." (Mayo Clinic)?

One of you mentioned clenching during the night. Are you using a mouth guard to help your TMJ? There are also surgical procedures for TMJ.

Have you all had these done?
"A pitch match test to help your hearing care professional determine the approximate frequency of sound that you are hearing. For this exam, you will be asked to identify the pitch of your tinnitus as best as possible by comparing it to other sounds.
A loudness match test to quantify the level of the sound you are hearing, which could range from a whisper to a shout. It is more common for people to experience soft sounds than loud.
A visual analog scale to determine perceived loudness. Tinnitus is often perceived much louder than the decibel level that matches. On a scale from zero to 10, you'll be asked to scale the loudness. About 70 percent of patients will report a loudness value of six or higher." (Healthy Hearing)

You shouldn't try any random device. You should get a professional to determine as much as possible about the sounds you're hearing and what could mask that specific sound. Don't try any headphones, etc. unless a professional says to.

Those who mention pulsating and their heart beat, have you ruled out serious blood vessel or vascular conditions?

Apologies I didn't read through every single post. Feel free to ignore me if desired.

I know people on here have mixed feelings on TRT but I went in for an initial consult (I'm in the US), did the pitch/loudness match and everything, and then was rejected by my insurance and couldn't afford the treatment ($3,000 for the very cheapest device). For about a week I had a glimmer of hope and then it was snatched away again. Maybe in other countries it's more accessible, I really hope so!

 

[GregCA]

I know people on here have mixed feelings on TRT but I went in for an initial consult (I'm in the US), did the pitch/loudness match and everything, and then was rejected by my insurance and couldn't afford the treatment ($3,000 for the very cheapest device). For about a week I had a glimmer of hope and then it was snatched away again. Maybe in other countries it's more accessible, I really hope so!

On the bright side, this setback probably saved you $3K, that you could put towards more promising treatments.

 

[carolinet617]

On the bright side, this setback probably saved you $3K, that you could put towards more promising treatments.

True. Just running out of ideas unless some kind of promising treatment makes it to the US in the next few years

 

[GregCA]

True. Just running out of ideas unless some kind of promising treatment makes it to the US in the next few years

Yeah there isn't much available in the states right now indeed. It's a waiting game. Even what's available in other countries isn't a slam dunk, so it's not a bad idea to see how in works for real patients (outside of a study) first.

 

[John Mahan]

Yeah there isn't much available in the states right now indeed. It's a waiting game. Even what's available in other countries isn't a slam dunk, so it's not a bad idea to see how in works for real patients (outside of a study) first.

Greg what are your thoughts about Lenire/Neuromod efficacy since introduction to the public in Europe? Have you been following the effectiveness of this device?

Thanks.

 

[GregCA]

Greg what are your thoughts about Lenire/Neuromod efficacy since introduction to the public in Europe? Have you been following the effectiveness of this device?

I've been following, yes. I'm cautiously optimistic about it. I've watched the presentations by Dr Shore about the way it works and it seems sound for the types of tinnitus that fall in that category, but the devil is always in the details.

It's also pretty reassuring that there are other initiatives that leverage bi-modal stimulation with various degrees of results.

Still, I don't know that we'll reach a high level of confidence about it within the next few years. That's what it takes to get enough data. I'm hopeful, though.

 

[Lane]

Please somebody help me.

Hey @Allan1967 -- My own approach--especially in the early days--involved trying to take things one step at a time. If I may ask, is there anything you can do, or can think of, that gives you a bit of a respite? Such as going down to a creek, and have the sound of the creek act as somewhat of a buffer to your suffering? It seems that if you can find just one thing that helps a bit, then try to find a second thing, etc. Perhaps a couple of dozen seemingly little things interspersed throughout the day can lend a bit of stability to your situation. -- Take care!

 

[Allan1967]

Hey @Allan1967 -- My own approach--especially in the early days--involved trying to take things one step at a time. If I may ask, is there anything you can do, or can think of, that gives you a bit of a respite? Such as going down to a creek, and have the sound of the creek act as somewhat of a buffer to your suffering? It seems that if you can find just one thing that helps a bit, then try to find a second thing, etc. Perhaps a couple of dozen seemingly little things interspersed throughout the day can lend a bit of stability to your situation. -- Take care!

Nothing really gives me respite except for sleeping Lane.

 

[Extreme]

How long are we talking about? 10 years?

In my opinion, you have to survive day by day. Don't look at the future in such ways. Don't try to think about 10 years. If you convince yourself you will not get better for a decade, you will completely overwhelm yourself. And the truth is we don't know how long. We shouldn't guess. You can get an answer at any time. You gotta try to have some faith. And you should realize just how strong you already are.. how long you have survived with this condition. Stop doubting yourself.

This has nothing to do with Tinnitus but look..... I was just a kid with a very severe anxiety disorder. I was crazy dizzy just walking around the halls of my school. I ended up having to be homeschooled. Xanax saved me. I was Valedictorian of my high school 5 years later. I was able to complete college and get a degree.
I suffered from a very severe stomach disorder a few years ago... IBS, because there was no known issue. I was on the floor in agony at times. It was ruining my life. A miracle did happen. I found out it was the freaking coffee I was drinking. My point is that you cannot lose hope. We all have different issues. But we are stronger than we think. I truly hope you get treatment for your depression. Because that alone is devastating and hard to live with. You do need professional help. And the people around you deserve to know how deeply suicidal you are. So they can help you.

 

[Allan1967]

In my opinion, you have to survive day by day. Don't look at the future in such ways. Don't try to think about 10 years. If you convince yourself you will not get better for a decade, you will completely overwhelm yourself. And the truth is we don't know how long. We shouldn't guess. You can get an answer at any time. You gotta try to have some faith. And you should realize just how strong you already are.. how long you have survived with this condition. Stop doubting yourself.

This has nothing to do with Tinnitus but look..... I was just a kid with a very severe anxiety disorder. I was crazy dizzy just walking around the halls of my school. I ended up having to be homeschooled. Xanax saved me. I was Valedictorian of my high school 5 years later. I was able to complete college and get a degree.
I suffered from a very severe stomach disorder a few years ago... IBS, because there was no known issue. I was on the floor in agony at times. It was ruining my life. A miracle did happen. I found out it was the freaking coffee I was drinking. My point is that you cannot lose hope. We all have different issues. But we are stronger than we think. I truly hope you get treatment for your depression. Because that alone is devastating and hard to live with. You do need professional help. And the people around you deserve to know how deeply suicidal you are. So they can help you.

I've prayed to God so many times...

 

[John Mahan]

In my opinion, you have to survive day by day. Don't look at the future in such ways. Don't try to think about 10 years. If you convince yourself you will not get better for a decade, you will completely overwhelm yourself. And the truth is we don't know how long. We shouldn't guess. You can get an answer at any time. You gotta try to have some faith. And you should realize just how strong you already are.. how long you have survived with this condition. Stop doubting yourself.

This has nothing to do with Tinnitus but look..... I was just a kid with a very severe anxiety disorder. I was crazy dizzy just walking around the halls of my school. I ended up having to be homeschooled. Xanax saved me. I was Valedictorian of my high school 5 years later. I was able to complete college and get a degree.
I suffered from a very severe stomach disorder a few years ago... IBS, because there was no known issue. I was on the floor in agony at times. It was ruining my life. A miracle did happen. I found out it was the freaking coffee I was drinking. My point is that you cannot lose hope. We all have different issues. But we are stronger than we think. I truly hope you get treatment for your depression. Because that alone is devastating and hard to live with. You do need professional help. And the people around you deserve to know how deeply suicidal you are. So they can help you.

Great post and you are an amazing survivor Extreme. You have aptly named yourself...your user name on this forum.
You are a warrior and have my profound respect.

Allan, one foot in front of the other. Let your desire to live and heal and even allow yourself to imagine how great life can be. This awful demon will be solved.

 

[John Mahan]

I've been following, yes. I'm cautiously optimistic about it. I've watched the presentations by Dr Shore about the way it works and it seems sound for the types of tinnitus that fall in that category, but the devil is always in the details.

It's also pretty reassuring that there are other initiatives that leverage bi-modal stimulation with various degrees of results.

Still, I don't know that we'll reach a high level of confidence about it within the next few years. That's what it takes to get enough data. I'm hopeful, though.

You take an analytical view which is understandable to learn the true benefit.

But what about jumping off the dock with known anecdotal data as imperfect as it is? Would or will you? Would you take a SWAG at trying the machine to lower your tinnitus or consider it?

I will tell you when Dr. Shore gets her machine marketed in the US, I likely will be a participant. My tinnitus subtype also closely matches what is believed to be compatible with this technology...

 

[Extreme]

I've prayed to God so many times...

I understand. Try to remember to also have faith in yourself. Praying to God is great. And I do thank Him all the time. But don't forget about yourself, too. I think He made you stronger than you think.

Great post and you are an amazing survivor Extreme. You have aptly named yourself...your user name on this forum.
You are a warrior and have my profound respect.
Allan, one foot in front of the other. Let your desire to live and heal and even allow yourself to imagine how great life can be. This awful demon will be solved.

Thanks so much for your very kind words. They mean a lot to me.
Well said. I know it's so easy to think of the bad. You have to make yourself think of the good, too.

 

[John Mahan]

I understand. Try to remember to also have faith in yourself. Praying to God is great. And I do thank Him all the time. But don't forget about yourself, too. I think He made you stronger than you think.


Thanks so much for your very kind words. They mean a lot to me.
Well said. I know it's so easy to think of the bad. You have to make yourself think of the good, too.

Extreme, anxiety runs in my family and I know what a challenge it presents. My family has still achieved a lot in spite of it. I don't let it stop me and when I read your post, you are the personification of courage.

 

[Extreme]

Accept it as part of you

Never. You have to give yourself hope.

 

[Allan1967]

You take an analytical view which is understandable to learn the true benefit.

But what about jumping off the dock with known anecdotal data as imperfect as it is? Would or will you? Would you take a SWAG at trying the machine to lower your tinnitus or consider it?

I will tell you when Dr. Shore gets her machine marketed in the US, I likely will be a participant. My tinnitus subtype also closely matches what is believed to be compatible with this technology...

When is Dr Shore's device coming out do we know?

 

[John Mahan]

When is Dr Shore's device coming out do we know?

Word is...no veracity to this time line...last half of 2020. I will be in line...likely...unless a lot of bad press ensues.

 

[Allan1967]

Word is...no veracity to this time line...last half of 2020. I will be in line...likely...unless a lot of bad press ensues.

So next year? Same principle as Nueromod however but with the vagus nerve?

 

[John Mahan]

So next year? Same principle as Nueromod however but with the vagus nerve?

I am sure there are some slight variance. Underlying principle is the same.
If you think about it Allan, as Greg stated, devil is in the details.

For example...the all important sound signature...or electrical shock timing....the algorithm for this. The very derivation of it. There is likely difference between the two across the pond and in an ideal world, there would be sharing of intellectual property and research would be shared to learn how the algorithm is iterated relative to the frequency response of an individual's hearing. For example it is said, calibration is more directed toward frequency deficit than tinnitus target frequency. This is the black hole for efficacy. Get it wrong and the protocol won't work as well.

So we will watch and see. Of course I want to jump off the dock right now and slay this dragon. Perfect or not. I ideally want to lower my tinnitus as many testimonials suggest. As Greg said, in the next 3 years we will learn a lot comparing the two devices but who wants to wait that long?