Suicidal

[Brian Newman]

You forgot about us!



Whatever you do... don't smack your ears....:/

I didn't live too much before I got sick... did some sports but mainly had my nose in boring study books... I did live some from 30-32 though.

I hope you get a better night than yesterday.

Thanks man, and I know, I was so pissed for what I did. It kept happening, I was literally hitting my ears in my sleep, I could not help it. My body would do it before I would wake up.

You read my other posts, what do you think this is from?

 

[Brian Newman]

It is. Really. Shitty. And the urge to die can be strong and outweigh any hope or worse, fear of death.

Fear of death is still pretty strong for me... so I'm busy suffering similar to you. I still think dying is worse.

When the volume quadruples and my ears feel like hot nails are in them, then I'll probably go by shotgun.

If the distortions didn't get a tiny bit better I would've offed myself. But any improvements have been non-existent ever since really.

Yep same. If I can get a few days in silence I hope to see a little improvement.

 

[grate_biff]

I love you.

I love you too.

 

[Backpacker]

How am I possibly going to survive this?

By finding a hobby that does not involve abdominal valsava maneuver/increasing abdominal pressure/ increasing intracranial pressure, and letting your ears heal as much as possible.

 

[Anthony2019]

I have dealt with tinnitus for over 30 years and have tried every over the counter supplement available and nothing has worked. 3 weeks ago I purchased a set of high end hearing aids and it has substantially reduced the ringing in my ears. At times it is almost undetectable. I don't know if this will help you but it's worth finding out.

I hope this helps...

 

[grate_biff]

3 weeks ago I purchased a set of high end hearing aids and it has substantially reduced the ringing in my ears

That's interesting.

I'm happy you found relief after 30 years!

How high end are we talking about 10... 11... 12... kHz?

My dip is from 10-12.5 kHz (where also my tinnitus lies), so if that helps you, it gives me some hope.

Not sure my noxacusis would take it though.

What brand is it? Please be specific.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I have dealt with tinnitus for over 30 years and have tried every over the counter supplement available and nothing has worked. 3 weeks ago I purchased a set of high end hearing aids and it has substantially reduced the ringing in my ears. At times it is almost undetectable. I don't know if this will help you but it's worth finding out.

I hope this helps...

What was your hearing loss? My ENT told me I qualify for some. I have high pitched hearing loss right ear.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

It might be a wrap guys My hyperacusis and dysacusis have gotten so bad. My own voice hurts, I can't talk to anybody, working out is impossible, every time I hear any noise my tinnitus spikes I am in pain for the rest of the day. I truly am sorry for people who have had this way longer than me and more severe. I have an appointment with Silverstein in a few weeks if I can even make it that far.

I hate saying things like this but God wants me dead. My ears keep getting worse and worse from things that never should be happening. I'm trying to sleep last night and a mosquito kept flying into my ears and waking me up. Lmao I kept waking up to my hand smacking my ear. My tinnitus is raging. I looked inside my ear and my eardrums are fine, not perforated for anything. But shit smacking your ears can cause normal people ear problems. I finally put a pillow over my head and went back to bed.

How am I possibly going to survive this? I know my anxiety is making things much worse but knowing at any second anybody sneezing or me dropping a slab fork will make me worse. How can I live through this. And I thought my hyperacusis was bad the first time I got it. This is truly one of the most debilitating conditions on the planet. There are worse ones but at least people get sympathy and disability. And doctors all try their best to help them. With this doctors are like yeah buddy, have fun, get out of my office. Or live with it.

Tinnitus mixed with severe dysacusis with severe hyperacusis is truly something I never knew could be this bad. I have never been scared of anything in my life besides loosing family, but this is truly terrifying. How easy I can make things worse just my leaving my house.

I'm thankful for my amazing life up until I was 18 when everything started. I had such a good life, a loving family, so many friends, a future. I had to much fun in those 18 years and I would not give them back for anything. I lived 50 years within those 18 years. If anybody asked me if I could be anybody who would I be, I would say myself every time. That's how much I appreciated and loved being on this planet. I truly had a blessed gift from God and threw everything down the drain when I didn't think for 2 seconds. I recovered within a few years and lived an amazing life again. Ignoring my mild tinnitus and hyperacusis. Now I don't see that happening.

Did the deadlifting screw everything up?

Damn you got a Hellcat? Always wanted one.

 

[Mary97]

@Anthony2019, what brand of hearing aids did you buy, if I may ask? My hearing loss is worse in my left ear, as is my tinnitus, so I have been thinking a hearing aid may help...

 

[Lurius]

I have dealt with tinnitus for over 30 years and have tried every over the counter supplement available and nothing has worked. 3 weeks ago I purchased a set of high end hearing aids and it has substantially reduced the ringing in my ears. At times it is almost undetectable. I don't know if this will help you but it's worth finding out.

I hope this helps...

That's very interesting, because I'm set up for a hearing aid in September. What happens if you take the hearing aid out again? The ringing comes back?

 

[tpj]

The thing is we all react differently to different drugs so there's no way to know which one will suit us better. I base my previous comment on the fact that benzo withdrawal is more documented than Mirtazapine withdrawal, which doesn't mean that the latter doesn't exist.

I also think that it's different if you're on the sleep dose (7.5 mg or less) than the antidepressant dose.

So far Mirtazapine has saved my life and anything from the moment I started taking it is a day stolen from grave. If later on it begins to show it's ugly face, well, so be it.

Do you take Mirtazapine every night?

 

[Óscar PP]

Do you take Mirtazapine every night?

Yes, I'm on 30mg and I plan to stay on it for a couple more months before trying to taper it.


I plan to be on it for one year total but if I begin to be sleep deprived again I will have no other choice than taking it for the rest of my life.

 

[Anthony2019]

The brand is Phonak and the model is Audeo P50. My hearing loss is equal in both ears but the ringing is mostly in my left. The hearing aid specialist told me that my brain no longer recognized the ringing in the right ear once the hearing became clear with the hearing aid.

When you take the hearing aids out, the ringing does not come back immediately, but when you wake up in the morning you will hear the ringing somewhat again.

Most hearing centers or ENTs will let you demo the models for free for two weeks. There are many high end hearing aids out there.

 

[pleasejuststop]

Does anyone else have panic attacks the second they wake up, every single day, for years, and nightmares every night? I can't take this anymore.

 

[Exit]

The brand is Phonak and the model is Audeo P50. My hearing loss is equal in both ears but the ringing is mostly in my left. The hearing aid specialist told me that my brain no longer recognized the ringing in the right ear once the hearing became clear with the hearing aid.

When you take the hearing aids out, the ringing does not come back immediately, but when you wake up in the morning you will hear the ringing somewhat again.

Most hearing centers or ENTs will let you demo the models for free for two weeks. There are many high end hearing aids out there.

Thank you for giving us another anecdote on this!

I'm curious, when you say high end, do you mean an expensive, good brand? Or do you mean they work over 8 kHz?

Wishing you a good weekend!

 

[Gee82]

As time passes I feel I am coming closer to the end of me. Like many of us here, I've lost my life, my mind and my soul. I have tried hard to find a way to live with tinnitus, but I failed. I have been fighting a war for nothing: I haven't achieve any habituation, tinnitus hasn't become any easier to deal with and suffering didn't make me any stronger or wiser. Like a fool I have been hanging on to the hope that either science or a miracle would eventually get me out of this shithole, because I refused to accept that such inhuman suffering could be a permanent condition.

If I knew back at the onset of my tinnitus that I was condemned to it for life I would have committed suicide right then. Looking back I feel stupid for not offing myself straight away instead of inflicting myself this torture for so long.

I am exhausted of living like this, I have lost hope and honestly the best thing that could happen to me right now is a heart stroke.

 

[Exit]

You read my other posts, what do you think this is from?

Hey Brian.

I've been thinking a little about your question.

It could be just as simple as noise induced with a bizarre gym twist.
Because we share a lot of symptoms and I'm noise-induced, 100%...

It could also be pressure related in ear, or your neck worsening after that gym session (some nerve fibres got a squeeze?)

Have you checked TMJ & jaw stuff with a dentist?

Even though your distortion symptoms vary from time to time unlike mine, I still unfortunately think it's just related to noise-induced tinnitus. Or pressure problems that drivers can have. I don't know if they get hearing loss from diving but I do know they don't recover easily...?

I think there are many cases with varying distortion symptoms on forum where it's not much to blame other than noise.

But since you have neck problems, and lifted 200 kg, I would check out the nerve issue out as much as possible... I would in your case try 8 weeks of physiotherapy.

Have you seen a dentist? I forgot...

Chiropractor is very dangerous for us...

 

[Tau]

Does anyone else have panic attacks the second they wake up, every single day, for years, and nightmares every night? I can't take this anymore.

I have had panic attacks every morning since my acoustic trauma. I think it's PTSD because I killed my ears myself.

 

[Brian Newman]

Did the deadlifting screw everything up?

Damn you got a Hellcat? Always wanted one.

Well, the deadlifting brought the hyperacusis from like a 2 to a 5 and caused my hearing distortions. The car accident is what really fucked me up big time.

But yeah I got my Hellcat 2 years ago. I loved it because it was loud enough but did not bother my ears. That car is so much fun lol. I had so much fun in that that thing. I can barely drive her anymore though because the vibrations piss my ears off like crazy.

 

[Brian Newman]

Hey Brian.

I've been thinking a little about your question.

It could be just as simple as noise induced with a bizarre gym twist.
Because we share a lot of symptoms and I'm noise-induced, 100%...

It could also be pressure related in ear, or your neck worsening after that gym session (some nerve fibres got a squeeze?)

Have you checked TMJ & jaw stuff with a dentist?

Even though your distortion symptoms vary from time to time unlike mine, I still unfortunately think it's just related to noise-induced tinnitus. Or pressure problems that drivers can have. I don't know if they get hearing loss from diving but I do know they don't recover easily...?

I think there are many cases with varying distortion symptoms on forum where it's not much to blame other than noise.

But since you have neck problems, and lifted 200 kg, I would check out the nerve issue out as much as possible... I would in your case try 8 weeks of physiotherapy.

Have you seen a dentist? I forgot...

Chiropractor is very dangerous for us...

Hey, thanks for the input. And yeah it is for sure a pressure problem. Whenever I work out my ears crackly and pop. I don't think it's Eustachian tube problems. I did a regimen for it from my ENT. Did not do much of a difference.

And yes, when I went to the dentist last month I asked him to check for TMJ, he said I was all good. And yea, tbh the chiropractor would spike my normal tinnitus every time, but would go back to baseline in a few hours. Never really changed the distortions until he changed my adjustment and sent them crazy. I really thought it had something to do with C1 and C2 because when I turn my head the distortions change sometimes.

You think I should see a neurologist because I'm thinking the auditory nerves could be compressed, or something else is going on. I know for a fact my terrible hyperacusis is from the airbag blowing up in my face. But the distortions I got from deadlifting for sure. Some weird inner ear issue or nerve problem. It's so difficult because I am dealing with my normal ear problems, the deadlift injury, and the car accident injury. All I can do is sit on the couch all day.

I actually have an appointment with Silverstein for oval window reinforcement. What do you think of that?

I'm losing my mind tbh. The distortions are hell with my normal 7 tinnitus tones but the hyperacusis makes it unbearable. I was being careless after the car accident and going to the gym and restaurants which kept making me worse and worse. The bar to set my hyperacusis off now is so low all I gotta do is talk for a bit and my ears will hurt, swell up, and spike my tinnitus for days.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To @pleasejuststop and @Tau:
At 5:30 AM every morning (for 7.5 years, or 2,737 days) I have awakened panic-stricken, as if an electric current has suffused throughout my entire body (or as if that marine sergeant from "Full Metal Jacket" was shouting in my face).

I go to bed with the Widex Hearing Aids with the white noise masker, but the tinnitus will often overwhelm this and I will have two unbearable sounds. I then rush to my computer, loudly turn on the 8000 Hz white noise sound posted on YouTube; only then will I take out the hearing aids. I spend the next half hour playing more 9000-11500 frequencies in an (oftentimes futile) effort to partially, temporarily neutralize the tinnitus.

I then frantically do all sorts of neck stretching, jaw clenching exercises. I place the Widex hearing aids back in, go into the bathroom, turn on the sink full blast for more masking, take out the hearing aids, turn on the shower, and only then turn off the sink faucet. I will turn off the shower as I am turning the sink faucet back on, and turn it off only until I have the hearing aids back in.

Notice that after this many years at no point am I psychologically able to tolerate for even a few seconds my natural tinnitus sound; every movement must be accompanied by some kind of masking. During this time the fear of a tinnitus spike may often make me hyperventilate. If I allow myself to hear the tinnitus spike unmodulated or unmasked, in spite of my best habituation efforts the intensity of my anxiety makes me afraid that I will vomit and/or pass out.

I then have to steel myself to triage my tinnitus level; will it be brutal (and thus render the hearing aids barely effective only as a placebo), and make me reassess what I had planned for the day as doable?

My wife usually sleeps a little later, and has no idea that I have devised this cripplingly neurotic, never-varying morning routine.

I recall that Faulkner in "The Hamlet" said of a character: "He was mad, and he knew it." I objectively observe myself in this same state of madness.

 

[Chinmoku]

How are you doing today @grate_biff? Talk to us please.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Well, the deadlifting brought the hyperacusis from like a 2 to a 5 and caused my hearing distortions. The car accident is what really fucked me up big time.

But yeah I got my Hellcat 2 years ago. I loved it because it was loud enough but did not bother my ears. That car is so much fun lol. I had so much fun in that that thing. I can barely drive her anymore though because the vibrations piss my ears off like crazy.

Sorry man, I hope you can one day improve to enjoy what life has to offer.

 

[Lukee]

As time passes I feel I am coming closer to the end of me. Like many of us here, I've lost my life, my mind and my soul. I have tried hard to find a way to live with tinnitus, but I failed. I have been fighting a war for nothing: I haven't achieve any habituation, tinnitus hasn't become any easier to deal with and suffering didn't make me any stronger or wiser. Like a fool I have been hanging on to the hope that either science or a miracle would eventually get me out of this shithole, because I refused to accept that such inhuman suffering could be a permanent condition.

If I knew back at the onset of my tinnitus that I was condemned to it for life I would have committed suicide right then. Looking back I feel stupid for not offing myself straight away instead of inflicting myself this torture for so long.

I am exhausted of living like this, I have lost hope and honestly the best thing that could happen to me right now is a heart stroke.

I don't know if it will help you but see @JK888's post about psilocybin. You should try everything before you throw in the towel.

 

[Emily2002]

As time passes I feel I am coming closer to the end of me. Like many of us here, I've lost my life, my mind and my soul. I have tried hard to find a way to live with tinnitus, but I failed. I have been fighting a war for nothing: I haven't achieve any habituation, tinnitus hasn't become any easier to deal with and suffering didn't make me any stronger or wiser. Like a fool I have been hanging on to the hope that either science or a miracle would eventually get me out of this shithole, because I refused to accept that such inhuman suffering could be a permanent condition.

If I knew back at the onset of my tinnitus that I was condemned to it for life I would have committed suicide right then. Looking back I feel stupid for not offing myself straight away instead of inflicting myself this torture for so long.

I am exhausted of living like this, I have lost hope and honestly the best thing that could happen to me right now is a heart stroke.

I'm sorry you're going through this terrible suffering too I feel like I lost my mind - my personality - my ability to sleep, everything. You are not alone that's for sure.

 

[grate_biff]

How are you doing today @grate_biff? Talk to us please.

I'm not doing well.

Very depressed, even on two ADs (Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine AKA "California Rocketfuel").

Living my life in bed, hiding from noise.

Masking my tinnitus, but so sick of the white noise all day long too.

Severe tremors and anxiety all day long.

Woke up in an adrenaline surge today.

Thanks for asking @Chinmoku!

 

[tpj]

Yes, I'm on 30mg and I plan to stay on it for a couple more months before trying to taper it.

I plan to be on it for one year total but if I begin to be sleep deprived again I will have no other choice than taking it for the rest of my life.

Sorry, just another question. Does the lower dose not help you sleep? Do you feel you get any anti-depressant effect at 30 mg or is it just for sleep?

 

[Gee82]

I don't know if it will help you but see @JK888's post about psilocybin. You should try everything before you throw in the towel.

Yes, I have a list of few so-called "treatments" left to try before I call it quit. I already know that they won't work but I owe to myself to cross them off the list before I jump out of the window. I am truly exhausted. Currently I am doing HBOT.

 

[Óscar PP]

Sorry, just another question. Does the lower dose not help you sleep? Do you feel you get any anti-depressant effect at 30 mg or is it just for sleep?

I needed the antidepressant effect too because tinnitus alone made me suicidal. Sleep deprivation just added fuel to the fire so I needed something that could tackle those two beasts and Mirtazapine was able to do it.

Now I want to reduce it just to get the sleep benefits and also because just in case I'd rather not be on this drug too long at higher doses because of the horror stories you read online.

But my only regret so far with Mirtazapine is not taking it earlier in the game. It would've spared me a lot of misery.

 

[Chinmoku]

I'm not doing well.

Very depressed, even on two ADs (Venlafaxine, Mirtazapine AKA "California Rocketfuel").

Living my life in bed, hiding from noise.

Masking my tinnitus, but so sick of the white noise all day long too.

Severe tremors and anxiety all day long.

Woke up in an adrenaline surge today.

Thanks for asking @Chinmoku!

So sorry to hear. If only this benzo withdrawal finally stopped. It takes so long. I'm tapering Clonazepam and it's a 24/7 nightmare.

Hold on, it will have to stop at some point. Can you at least sleep a little?