Suicidal

[Christiaan]

@Lurius, @TheDanishGirl & @Jazzer, I'm sorry your parents did not treat you all with the love that you deserve. I'm at a loss for words but I can only say that I wish that we can meet in person to give each other a nice, warm hug and share some quality time together.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I just want to hit my head over and over...

Same here, and I did it a while ago, during one of my meltdowns. Some weeks later I started having daily shooting pain in my head, which is still there, so now I have that on top of everything else.

I feel your pain. I know how it is. I am just sitting here waiting for the day to pass... waiting for... what? What am I actually waiting for?

 

[TheDanishGirl]

My mom texted me a few hours back and I got so furious I called her up, and the whole thing came spilling out, I've been screaming and crying on the phone for a half an hour, but I said everything there is to say, so now she knows. I think I will have a small spike from this. My hyperacusis is spiking, but it had to be done. I had no choice... it was either that, or go hang myself right away.

 

[Jazzer]

@Lurius, @TheDanishGirl & @Jazzer, I'm sorry your parents did not treat you all with the love that you deserve. I'm at a loss for words but I can only say that I wish that we can meet in person to give each other a nice, warm hug and share some quality time together.

Lovely idea Christiaan.

We have to realise that our parents almost certainly inherited the family heirloom of a loveless childhood.

We cannot really blame them for their neglect of us.

However that realisation alone does not heal our pain.

We have to believe that we deserved to be loved and cosseted, and appreciate love and support wherever we can find it.

 

[Jazzer]

I appreaciate you trying to help. I will look into this book. Even though I am thinking that reading that book probably won't change the fact that I am mostly homebound due to severe pain hyperacusis. It won't change that I have no one in my life, no real life friends or family (and can't go out and get it, because of severe hyperacusis) and I still find it impossible to believe that anyone can survive like this for many years, no matter their state of mind or even non state of mind. We are social beings (for the most part). If that's completely taken away, then is that really survivable?

I mustn't labour a point DG, but I just wonder if the voice in your head tells you that you deserve your predicament.

If so, the book I have mentioned may be able to help you decommission that voice.

Okay - we've never met, and all of this is guesswork on my part - but I would love to be able to help you in some way if I could.
Dave xx

 

[Lurius]

My mom texted me a few hours back and I got so furious I called her up, and the whole thing came spilling out, I've been screaming and crying on the phone for a half an hour, but I said everything there is to say, so now she knows. I think I will have a small spike from this. My hyperacusis is spiking, but it had to be done. I had no choice... it was either that, or go hang myself right away.

I had a similar thing last year where I felt so trapped, so painted in a corner that I had no choice but to tell my mom that if she doesn't stop with trying to convert me to Christianity, I'm going to have to sever the bond. Fortunately, she listened to me. But that was a very, very difficult phone call for me.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I had a similar thing last year where I felt so trapped, so painted in a corner that I had no choice but to tell my mom that if she doesn't stop with trying to convert me to Christianity, I'm going to have to sever the bond. Fortunately, she listened to me. But that was a very, very difficult phone call for me.

Yeah, at one point you can't stand it anymore, and have to tell the truth. I didn't even found it that hard, probably because of adrenaline or something like that. It just came spilling out like a waterfall. It's been building up and brewing inside of me for a long time. I feel weird now, but I'm glad it's done, because it can't go on this way. Her behaviour and our relationship today has to improve, for me to even have a remote chance of surviving this. I need more support than I get today. I have nobody in my life other then my two siblings, my mom and a couple aunts. Friends are gone.

 

[Zugzug]

Still dead and still just a tortured spirit roaming this Earth...

 

[Emily2002]

I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with this anymore - the lack of sleep is the worst part. I feel like a zombie every day. It feels like the old me is dead and my memory feels shot. The worst part is no one acknowledging this condition, I don't want to open up to anyone in fear of them thinking I'm crazy. Lack of sleep has also completely ruined my appearance, I have huge eye bags and premature aging. My mind and body are done.

 

[pleasejuststop]

I honestly don't know how I'm going to deal with this anymore - the lack of sleep is the worst part. I feel like a zombie every day. It feels like the old me is dead and my memory feels shot. The worst part is no one acknowledging this condition, I don't want to open up to anyone in fear of them thinking I'm crazy. Lack of sleep has also completely ruined my appearance, I have huge eye bags and premature aging. My mind and body are done.

Yes, the lack of acknowledgement is so frustrating. I just want it to be acknowledged. Not dismissed, for once. I can't sleep either. I need a combination of sleeping pills to sleep, and even with that cocktail, I can only fall asleep at 6 am. Without, I don't sleep at all for more than an hour for days in a row.

 

[Daniel Lion]

My mom texted me a few hours back and I got so furious I called her up, and the whole thing came spilling out, I've been screaming and crying on the phone for a half an hour, but I said everything there is to say, so now she knows. I think I will have a small spike from this. My hyperacusis is spiking, but it had to be done. I had no choice... it was either that, or go hang myself right away.

Hi @TheDanishGirl,

I love you.
We love you.

I am thinking of you and sending you the pure vibe from Laos to Denmark, straight to you little sister.

Man, I wish we were closer.

Wishing you peace and love... Always.

 

[tpj]

Still dead and still just a tortured spirit roaming this Earth...

Still glad you're here though.

 

[Emily2002]

Yes, the lack of acknowledgement is so frustrating. I just want it to be acknowledged. Not dismissed, for once. I can't sleep either. I need a combination of sleeping pills to sleep, and even with that cocktail, I can only fall asleep at 6 am. Without, I don't sleep at all for more than an hour for days in a row.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you take to sleep? I've been taking Valerian and Melatonin.

 

[Christiaan]

Lovely idea Christiaan.

We have to realise that our parents almost certainly inherited the family heirloom of a loveless childhood.

We cannot really blame them for their neglect of us.

However that realisation alone does not heal our pain.

We have to believe that we deserved to be loved and cosseted, and appreciate love and support wherever we can find it.

That's nicely put @Jazzer. Thank you for sharing this wisdom.

 

[Óscar PP]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you take to sleep? I've been taking Valerian and Melatonin.

If you're very sleep deprived I strongly suggest you to take low doses of Mirtazapine. It's the least ototoxic drug for sleep, and it doesn't have the addictive profile of benzos.

Some people may tell you there's still a risk, but trust me sleep deprivation is way worse than any minor risk from taking this drug.

 

[Ava Lugo]

I want to kill myself.

I can't stand these high pithed noises and the sensation of hearing loss.

I can't work. I can't get welfare and was treated nasty by them. I can't get disability. This fool of a psychiatrist still hasn't written my letter for disability after seeing him for a year and a half promising me dates that he will have it ready and I had to file a complaint against him and was told to have a letter by April and I still have nothing!

Loud noises make it worse and my ENT and audiologist say that noises such as exhausts and motor bikes can't make it worse, that my case must be genetics. Just ignore it, move on. You have mental health issues, you need to be medicated. I quit my career and work in a cafe that pays shit!

I'm stuck in a room rental with a guy I can't stand and sent me a txt at 5:30 am to ask me what the noises were coming out of my room when I had tinnitus masking sounds playing on YouTube and he told me it annoyed him. He's a controlling perfectionist freak! I moved 9 times in the past year after renting rooms from angry people living in 2 motels with drug addicts and beatings and losing my apartment after the landlord sold the duplex after telling me she wasn't planning on selling it when I signed my lease a month and a half beforehand! I can't go back home. My parents won't even speak to me because of the arguing over this condition and not understanding what I'm going through. My mother told me to get my shit together and do what I got to do or I will be on the streets. When I called my father for help he told me to stop crying and call him when I was a real man. That this is my karma and that he was going to sit back and enjoy watching me fall apart, shouting "how are your ears now Derek, can you hear the noises now". He insulted me for 45 minutes on the phone and I kept my mouth shut because I needed his money.

The ENT refuses to send me to a specialist in another province, and she doesn't think there's anything he can do?

I can't stand the tinnitus. It drives me crazy. The headaches, the hyperacusis. I can't do anything I liked. I lost too much weight. I hate living in this place. I never want to eat. I'm depressed and I have nowhere to go. I'm going to lose my car and ruin my credit and end up homeless all because of this fucking noise. I'm sick of it! I begged my cousin to let me stay with him and his family and he won't because his wife doesn't want to and they even left me alone at Christmas because she wanted immediate family only!

I was told I have to pay 4000 dollars for devices to try and mask the noise and do sound therapy for hyperacusis with no insurance coverage. Only for people under 18 years of age the government will cover the cost.

I'm sick of this noise. I'm sick of losing my hearing and what it's doing to me. I used to be active and social. Now I'm a useless fucking vegetable suffering all the time hoping I die of a massive heart attack, I'm sick of the sleeping pills. I'm addicted to Ativan. I can't get off of it because of the stress and worsening hearing loss.

There is no cure and there is no treatment coming. This is not a priority in the medical community. They blame it all on anxiety.

At least you're able to mask it, because I can't do that with mine and I wish so badly I could :/

But I'm sorry to read about your struggles, and hypercusis sucks. Your dad sounds like a jerk.

 

[grate_biff]

The extreme pain of everyday sound (it's not even the pain that is the worst, it's the sensation of it), the piercing tinnitus, the never ending benzo withdrawal with all its fucked up symptoms... I can't take it any more.

Tried to hang myself twice today. I withdrew just before I fell unconscious. I know it's doable now at least. It's not that bad. Thought it would be more painful. I'm dragging myself down on the scarf noose and I can feel I will get unconscious really quickly.

I just need a bottle of wine to go through with it I think.

Just talked to my dad on the phone. I told him my plans, and even though he did not want me to go through with it he understands my decision.

It's impossible not to have conflicted feelings about it. I've cried a lot on the phone so I feel a bit better, but it is short lived.

Benzo would probably have prolonged my life, but I'm so sick of that drug.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

If you're very sleep deprived I strongly suggest you to take low doses of Mirtazapine. It's the least ototoxic drug for sleep, and it doesn't have the addictive profile of benzos.

Some people may tell you there's still a risk, but trust me sleep deprivation is way worse than any minor risk from taking this drug.

That's not entirely true. I read about a lot of people who have tried both a benzo and Mirtazapine withdrawal who say the withdrawal from Mirtazapine was the worst.

Personally I have tried tapering after 3 years and the withdrawal was BRUTAL. I would only recommend Mirtazapine if you're very suicidal from lack of sleep. Then the benefit outweighs the risks. Just my opinion.

 

[Zugzug]

It was October of 2019. After 5 months with catastrophic hyperacusis, I experience an upswing, where I went from 10/10 hyperacusis to 8/10. The stress of my grandmother passing must have temporarily suppressed my immune system. I turned on light music and cried my eyes out, so so thankful that I hadn't killed myself. I thought I might climb out of the hole, with my marriage and career still in tact, but with a ton of PTSD to work through.

That was the last time I experienced that feeling, and probably will be the last time, since I now clearly have permanent damage after seeing massive level off every time I take immunosuppressants.

I really do hope I can stop being a coward one day. When years of the same "don't be irrational here" always end up in even greater levels of torture, there reaches a point where you look at your notes and realize that you're simply a coward. That's the whole story. Not strength. A pathetic doormat.

 

[missingsilence]

@Lurius, did Lenire help you? I saw your post and I was wondering if you continued seeing improvements and if the improvements were permanent?

 

[Chinmoku]

I have reached a point of perpetual agony. I sleep only a few hours. I only had worsening after worsening from the start, I never improved. Like @Zugzug I had rare days where things wouldn't look so bad and seemed liveable again, I would count them in the number of 4 or 5 in almost three years, but every time I had one such day the day after the symptoms would come back worse, and I would struggle even more than before, more and more immersed in survival mode.

I tried so many things, the list is so long. Nothing worked, nothing stopped this stupid worsening trend. Merciless condition. I'm now too sick and exhausted to try much else. I am probably going to try some treatments even though I know it's very unlikely to help, if I can find the strength. I know I have to try for my kids. Doctors have made clear, explicitly, that there are things they can't help with and this is one of them. One of them told me, maybe in 10-20 years we will be able to help you. My kids need me now, not in 20 years. So I can't expect any help from the medical profession unless I find a specialist who is willing to dare treatments in absence of compelling diagnostics (which does not exist for the inner ear as we know) or unless I resort to fringe unproven treatments like stem cells or unlikely treatments like tDCS and the likes. Even trying those treatments, there isn't much hope.

Real treatments in the pipeline are too far and who knows if they will really help. Maybe they will, but this progression I am witnessing is making things impossible and waiting years while suffering minute by minute is impossible. COVID-19 has slowed down everything, complicated things further and possibly even contributed to the worsening. I don't know, sometimes I feel like we are cursed.

I thought initially that the main cause for this ever worsening tinnitus was tolerance withdrawal from GABA-acting drugs, but this is not much consistent with worsened hearing. I'm tapering slowly, maybe this partly explains the progressive tinnitus but I am not so sure anymore.

My heart goes out to all the friends in this thread, it is horrible to witness so much suffering and it is so sad seeing the universe shutting door after door in the face of so many good people. I used to believe and pray, but now after all this pain even prayer has become impossible. My pathetic prayers for all the people in this thread never seemed to do much. We need help here and now. I really hope things change one way or another, but every new day is harder.

 

[Lurius]

@Lurius, did Lenire help you? I saw your post and I was wondering if you continued seeing improvements and if the improvements were permanent?

I'm not sure if this is the right thread to discuss Lenire, so this post may very well be moved to the Lenire thread.

I used Lenire from late February until 1st of December 2020. Sometime around June/July, I changed from the 1st setting to the 2nd setting. I was on Olanzapine during this whole time. I started tapering the Olanzapine in December and I've been off them since around 1st of March this year.

I began using Lenire again in April this year, but took a break again on the 26th of May. That very same day was the first day of my increased worsening.

I've discussed this intensely with a Neuromod audiologist as well as with Dirk De Ridder. Neuromod does not believe Lenire has anything to do with my worsening, because it's been such a long time and they say they have never seen anyone get that kind of worsening after such a long time. They do agree that worsening during the first 3 months is somewhat likely.

Dirk De Ridder said I should be "hesitant" to use Lenire because they've seen some people get worse after using it. However, I'm very uncertain of he has the full picture and whether he understands that I've been using it for almost a year before I got worse. This is something I'm going to discuss with him next Tuesday, to really clarify things.

Neuromod now says they think I should only do 15 minute sessions with Lenire if I do decide to fire it up again, at least for now. They prefer that I speak to Dirk De Ridder again first.

During the first 9 months with Lenire I had 20-30% improvement during using it. After I stopped using Lenire, I had a wonderful time where my tinnitus followed a pattern of 4-5 quiet days, then 2-3 moderate to noisy days, then back to 4-5 quiet days. This went on and on for at least 2 months. Around March I started experimenting with a keto diet and things started to get progressively worse. Then after I took a break again in May, I began to struggle with new sounds in my brain and right ear, hyperacusis is back and quiet days are much, much more seldom.

I'm probably going to try Lenire again very soon, but I will go very slowly this time and any kind of extreme worsening is going to make me quit using Lenire again, probably forever.

I'm very curious about how much Olanzapine affected the results I got from Lenire and also how much quitting them contributed to my worsening.

 

[pleasejuststop]

If you don't mind me asking, what do you take to sleep? I've been taking Valerian and Melatonin.

I take prescripion sleeping pills, sometimes Seroquel, and sometimes Melatonin or Benadryl mixed in. I have to combine medications or take double the dose and even when I do I can't sleep until 6 am sometimes. Without, I can't sleep at all.

 

[pleasejuststop]

I'm crying reading all of your posts. I can't believe such a horrible condition exists, and other people have felt like me. It seems so unreal.

@grate_biff I have tried to hang myself too but I gave myself throat nerve damage from practicing so much.

I can't believe this life is real. It feels like a cruel joke, a nightmare. The dismissiveness is one of the worst parts, even from some psychologists. It's infuriating.

I just want it to stop. I don't know when. Every day I say "I won't be here next month." I'm angry that I'm still here. I want to get out.

 

[Óscar PP]

That's not entirely true. I read about a lot of people who have tried both a benzo and Mirtazapine withdrawal who say the withdrawal from Mirtazapine was the worst.

Personally I have tried tapering after 3 years and the withdrawal was BRUTAL. I would only recommend Mirtazapine if you're very suicidal from lack of sleep. Then the benefit outweighs the risks. Just my opinion.

The thing is we all react differently to different drugs so there's no way to know which one will suit us better. I base my previous comment on the fact that benzo withdrawal is more documented than Mirtazapine withdrawal, which doesn't mean that the latter doesn't exist.

I also think that it's different if you're on the sleep dose (7.5 mg or less) than the antidepressant dose.

So far Mirtazapine has saved my life and anything from the moment I started taking it is a day stolen from grave. If later on it begins to show it's ugly face, well, so be it.

 

[grate_biff]

I can't believe this life is real. It feels like a cruel joke, a nightmare. The dismissiveness is one of the worst parts, even from some psychologists. It's infuriating.

Could not agree more!

 

[Brian Newman]

It might be a wrap guys My hyperacusis and dysacusis have gotten so bad. My own voice hurts, I can't talk to anybody, working out is impossible, every time I hear any noise my tinnitus spikes I am in pain for the rest of the day. I truly am sorry for people who have had this way longer than me and more severe. I have an appointment with Silverstein in a few weeks if I can even make it that far.

I hate saying things like this but God wants me dead. My ears keep getting worse and worse from things that never should be happening. I'm trying to sleep last night and a mosquito kept flying into my ears and waking me up. Lmao I kept waking up to my hand smacking my ear. My tinnitus is raging. I looked inside my ear and my eardrums are fine, not perforated for anything. But shit smacking your ears can cause normal people ear problems. I finally put a pillow over my head and went back to bed.

How am I possibly going to survive this? I know my anxiety is making things much worse but knowing at any second anybody sneezing or me dropping a slab fork will make me worse. How can I live through this. And I thought my hyperacusis was bad the first time I got it. This is truly one of the most debilitating conditions on the planet. There are worse ones but at least people get sympathy and disability. And doctors all try their best to help them. With this doctors are like yeah buddy, have fun, get out of my office. Or live with it.

Tinnitus mixed with severe dysacusis with severe hyperacusis is truly something I never knew could be this bad. I have never been scared of anything in my life besides loosing family, but this is truly terrifying. How easy I can make things worse just my leaving my house.

I'm thankful for my amazing life up until I was 18 when everything started. I had such a good life, a loving family, so many friends, a future. I had to much fun in those 18 years and I would not give them back for anything. I lived 50 years within those 18 years. If anybody asked me if I could be anybody who would I be, I would say myself every time. That's how much I appreciated and loved being on this planet. I truly had a blessed gift from God and threw everything down the drain when I didn't think for 2 seconds. I recovered within a few years and lived an amazing life again. Ignoring my mild tinnitus and hyperacusis. Now I don't see that happening.

 

[Zugzug]

The extreme pain of everyday sound (it's not even the pain that is the worst, it's the sensation of it), the piercing tinnitus, the never ending benzo withdrawal with all its fucked up symptoms... I can't take it any more.

Tried to hang myself twice today. I withdrew just before I fell unconscious. I know it's doable now at least. It's not that bad. Thought it would be more painful. I'm dragging myself down on the scarf noose and I can feel I will get unconscious really quickly.

I just need a bottle of wine to go through with it I think.

Just talked to my dad on the phone. I told him my plans, and even though he did not want me to go through with it he understands my decision.

It's impossible not to have conflicted feelings about it. I've cried a lot on the phone so I feel a bit better, but it is short lived.

Benzo would probably have prolonged my life, but I'm so sick of that drug.

I love you.

 

[Exit]

Yeah, at one point you can't stand it anymore, and have to tell the truth. I didn't even found it that hard, probably because of adrenaline or something like that. It just came spilling out like a waterfall. It's been building up and brewing inside of me for a long time. I feel weird now, but I'm glad it's done, because it can't go on this way. Her behaviour and our relationship today has to improve, for me to even have a remote chance of surviving this. I need more support than I get today. I have nobody in my life other then my two siblings, my mom and a couple aunts. Friends are gone.

You forgot about us!

It might be a wrap guys My hyperacusis and dysacusis have gotten so bad. My own voice hurts, I can't talk to anybody, working out is impossible, every time I hear any noise my tinnitus spikes I am in pain for the rest of the day. I truly am sorry for people who have had this way longer than me and more severe. I have an appointment with Silverstein in a few weeks if I can even make it that far.

I hate saying things like this but God wants me dead. My ears keep getting worse and worse from things that never should be happening. I'm trying to sleep last night and a mosquito kept flying into my ears and waking me up. Lmao I kept waking up to my hand smacking my ear. My tinnitus is raging. I looked inside my ear and my eardrums are fine, not perforated for anything. But shit smacking your ears can cause normal people ear problems. I finally put a pillow over my head and went back to bed.

How am I possibly going to survive this? I know my anxiety is making things much worse but knowing at any second anybody sneezing or me dropping a slab fork will make me worse. How can I live through this. And I thought my hyperacusis was bad the first time I got it. This is truly one of the most debilitating conditions on the planet. There are worse ones but at least people get sympathy and disability. And doctors all try their best to help them. With this doctors are like yeah buddy, have fun, get out of my office. Or live with it.

Tinnitus mixed with severe dysacusis with severe hyperacusis is truly something I never knew could be this bad. I have never been scared of anything in my life besides loosing family, but this is truly terrifying. How easy I can make things worse just my leaving my house.

I'm thankful for my amazing life up until I was 18 when everything started. I had such a good life, a loving family, so many friends, a future. I had to much fun in those 18 years and I would not give them back for anything. I lived 50 years within those 18 years. If anybody asked me if I could be anybody who would I be, I would say myself every time. That's how much I appreciated and loved being on this planet. I truly had a blessed gift from God and threw everything down the drain when I didn't think for 2 seconds. I recovered within a few years and lived an amazing life again. Ignoring my mild tinnitus and hyperacusis. Now I don't see that happening.

Whatever you do... don't smack your ears....:/

I didn't live too much before I got sick... did some sports but mainly had my nose in boring study books... I did live some from 30-32 though.

I hope you get a better night than yesterday.

 

[Matchbox]

It might be a wrap guys My hyperacusis and dysacusis have gotten so bad. My own voice hurts, I can't talk to anybody, working out is impossible, every time I hear any noise my tinnitus spikes I am in pain for the rest of the day. I truly am sorry for people who have had this way longer than me and more severe. I have an appointment with Silverstein in a few weeks if I can even make it that far.

I hate saying things like this but God wants me dead. My ears keep getting worse and worse from things that never should be happening. I'm trying to sleep last night and a mosquito kept flying into my ears and waking me up. Lmao I kept waking up to my hand smacking my ear. My tinnitus is raging. I looked inside my ear and my eardrums are fine, not perforated for anything. But shit smacking your ears can cause normal people ear problems. I finally put a pillow over my head and went back to bed.

How am I possibly going to survive this? I know my anxiety is making things much worse but knowing at any second anybody sneezing or me dropping a slab fork will make me worse. How can I live through this. And I thought my hyperacusis was bad the first time I got it. This is truly one of the most debilitating conditions on the planet. There are worse ones but at least people get sympathy and disability. And doctors all try their best to help them. With this doctors are like yeah buddy, have fun, get out of my office. Or live with it.

Tinnitus mixed with severe dysacusis with severe hyperacusis is truly something I never knew could be this bad. I have never been scared of anything in my life besides loosing family, but this is truly terrifying. How easy I can make things worse just my leaving my house.

I'm thankful for my amazing life up until I was 18 when everything started. I had such a good life, a loving family, so many friends, a future. I had to much fun in those 18 years and I would not give them back for anything. I lived 50 years within those 18 years. If anybody asked me if I could be anybody who would I be, I would say myself every time. That's how much I appreciated and loved being on this planet. I truly had a blessed gift from God and threw everything down the drain when I didn't think for 2 seconds. I recovered within a few years and lived an amazing life again. Ignoring my mild tinnitus and hyperacusis. Now I don't see that happening.

It is. Really. Shitty. And the urge to die can be strong and outweigh any hope or worse, fear of death.

Fear of death is still pretty strong for me... so I'm busy suffering similar to you. I still think dying is worse.

When the volume quadruples and my ears feel like hot nails are in them, then I'll probably go by shotgun.

If the distortions didn't get a tiny bit better I would've offed myself. But any improvements have been non-existent ever since really.