Suicidal

[tpj]

Mild tinnitus is a picnic compared to this beast. I want my maskable tinnitus back that I took for granted. I was supposed to go on vacation to Florida next year but I won't be able to enjoy the sound of ocean waves because my tinnitus will be riding on top of it

I'm the same. I want my old tinnitus back that I definitely took for granted.

 

[Foamearplugssuck]

Ugh I think I'm starting to develop noxacusis and only god knows why. I'm going to stop listening to all types of music and podcasts for the next three weeks, at least, to see if that helps. But man, do I feel so hopeless and dejected right now. I wish I had never been born.

 

[AliasM]

This unfortunately is my kind of competition. Amazing I'm reduced to a creature with only this useless torturing ability...

F... huurraay....

1. I have more tones than possible to count with fingers, and seems ever increasing...

2. Yes, I can hear it outside, and seems ever increasing...

I am thinking that if you can't hear your tinnitus outside, it would be quite mild on the spectrum, and you wouldn't be in this thread. I can't even imagine the immense relief I'd get by simply going outside and not hearing it. Again though, if that were the case it wouldn't be that bad in the first place.

 

[Exit]

I am thinking that if you can't hear your tinnitus outside, it would be quite mild on the spectrum, and you wouldn't be in this thread. I can't even imagine the immense relief I'd get by simply going outside and not hearing it. Again though, if that were the case it wouldn't be that bad in the first place.

I experienced that relief at month 5.

About a week before a loud bang outside took it away forever.

I can't really decide if I prefer to have had that experience or not.

It was a wonderful week though.

Felt I had gotten a second chance at life.
I'm 2 years in soon.

 

[Damocles]

For the the past 10 months, I've been unable to leave my house, work, talk, whisper, exercise. Every. Single. Noise. Bothers me. A large part of the time, I can't tolerate typing on a keyboard or writing with a pencil -- with earplugs and earmuffs in. Whispering for a few seconds gives me a massive headache and I have to stop. I have roaring tinnitus most of the time. I've had suicidal thoughts almost every day and have cried hundreds of times. And, I have less reason to be optimistic since my problem is caused by my immune system attack my inner ear, it's very unlikely that these new drugs will cure me. Is that enough suffering?

This has nothing to do with anything other than a conversation about ethics. Some people are committed to guiding people through suicide, while others are not. My ethics are that I cannot recommend suicide to someone on the internet, and I never will.

I fail to see why Tinnitus Talk should be the place to set up suicide, a medical procedure. Overwhelmingly, people talk about suicide on here as a way to vent, and ultimately, not commit suicide. Actual plans, dates, and methods is not for me.

I want to tell you a story that has shaped my opinion. At my worst, I had relentless suicidal thoughts. Months later, I started to have a mini-recovery and was so thankful I kept fighting. Granted, I ended up backsliding again, etc., but I got a taste of what a recovery might look like.

At the time, I thought there was no way I could ever have even a small recovery. But I did. Will you have recoveries? I don't know. But I don't want to be the person that shoved someone over the edge when some good news was around the corner.

Also, five years ago, my disease gave me debilitating chronic pain -- also had suicidal thoughts. After I pushed through, I was so glad I did.

"Where there is life, there is hope" (while being corny as f*ck, is, at the same time, undeniably true).

Also,



I wonder if this ever plays in the waiting rooms at Dignitas...?

 

[Derek26]

I really do hope I can stop being a coward one day.

You are not a coward.

 

[pleasejuststop]

@Ava Lugo, I'm not able to completely mask it but I try the best I can to make it more bearable. I went on a carnival ride over the weekend without earplugs and it's gotten worse... of course.

Thanks for the reply.

I also went on an amusement park ride over the weekend and experienced a worsening. I was wearing earplugs but I was exposed to multiple other loud noises that day.

 

[canteven]

I don't think I can do this anymore. I've had tinnitus for 4 months. It was caused by noise.

I already wore hearing aids, but the hearing aids helped me hear almost perfectly. I heard music clearly and the TV clearly.

Now music is muddy, the TV is muddy. I'm having a hard time hearing what my husband is saying right next to me.

And my husband wants to divorce me.

I want to live, but I can't live like this.

 

[Zugzug]

You are not a coward.

I've had suicidal thoughts daily for essentially 26 months straight. At the beginning, the urges may have actually been stronger because I was new to hyperacusis so not used to the torture at all.

As time goes on, I feel a calmness when thinking about suicide. It feels more like euthanasia than panic. While I'm not the biggest expert in the community, I am pretty knowledgeable. I have thought about this stuff in great detail, with spreadsheets, timelines, life trajectories, etc.

There's honestly like a handful of things to try (Rituximab, IVIG, Ketamine, Ebselen, OTO-313) in the coming future before my existence is 100% cowardice.

 

[Óscar PP]

I've had suicidal thoughts daily for essentially 26 months straight. At the beginning, the urges may have actually been stronger because I was new to hyperacusis so not used to the torture at all.

As time goes on, I feel a calmness when thinking about suicide. It feels more like euthanasia than panic. While I'm not the biggest expert in the community, I am pretty knowledgeable. I have thought about this stuff in great detail, with spreadsheets, timelines, life trajectories, etc.

There's honestly like a handful of things to try (Rituximab, IVIG, Ketamine, Ebselen, OTO-313) in the coming future before my existence is 100% cowardice.

And as last resort you can decide to cut your auditory nerves. A deaf life is better than one with extreme hyperacusis.

 

[Tanni]

I've had suicidal thoughts daily for essentially 26 months straight. At the beginning, the urges may have actually been stronger because I was new to hyperacusis so not used to the torture at all.

As time goes on, I feel a calmness when thinking about suicide. It feels more like euthanasia than panic. While I'm not the biggest expert in the community, I am pretty knowledgeable. I have thought about this stuff in great detail, with spreadsheets, timelines, life trajectories, etc.

There's honestly like a handful of things to try (Rituximab, IVIG, Ketamine, Ebselen, OTO-313) in the coming future before my existence is 100% cowardice.

You are not a coward.

I don't know what to say, apart from that you are a brilliant mind and obviously a lovely person, and it's not fair. And if anyone can find a way to improve his circumstances somehow, it's you.

 

[Zugzug]

You are not a coward.

I don't know what to say, apart from that you are a brilliant mind and obviously a lovely person, and it's not fair. And if anyone can find a way to improve his circumstances somehow, it's you.

Thank you, @Tanni. You always offer me such kind words and are excellent support. I hope you are doing okay.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Thank you, @Tanni. You always offer me such kind words and are excellent support. I hope you are doing okay.

Yeah I don't know you but you seem like a cool cat and well liked around here

 

[Ava Lugo]

I don't think I can do this anymore. I've had tinnitus for 4 months. It was caused by noise.

I already wore hearing aids, but the hearing aids helped me hear almost perfectly. I heard music clearly and the TV clearly.

Now music is muddy, the TV is muddy. I'm having a hard time hearing what my husband is saying right next to me.

And my husband wants to divorce me.

I want to live, but I can't live like this.

I understand. It's a living hell and very exhausting. I miss music and TV. I miss being able to unwind after work and listen to music like everyone that have no issues doing.

Do you have really severe intrusive tinnitus, like reactive tinnitus? I do and if you do, then yeah, I understand what that nightmare is. I was born 85 percent deaf in one ear but with my bone anchored hearing aid I heard as clear as I could so clearly without my tinnitus intruding but now it's a different story. Can't mask it.

 

[Backpacker]

I have other health problems/conditions

Pete, did your digestion issues stop?

 

[Daniel Lion]

@Zugzug, @grate_biff and all posters on this thread, everyone here, I think of you guys daily.

I send you love and pray in my own way that your pain and torture will lessen.
Love is all I got and I always send to you.

I miss you @Daniel Lion. I hope all is well. You're a good man and incredible support.

Oh man, thanks. I think of you daily my friend, honestly. I would like to write more but the muse just isn't happening. I would like to explore the existential nature of our predicament but for now I am just sending you good vibes and envision visiting you one day laden with lasagna, gifts and kindness.

One day at a time. Talk soon and Peace.

 

[Kenilworth]

My tinnitus was mild from onset(2016) till 2020 December. Things started to change January this year when I withdrew from meds i was taking. It slowly became worse to the point where i can hear it outside in traffic. I feel so hopeless. At first I thought its the usual spike which will eventually return to base but now I believe my T changed for good. I'm only 27. The thought of spending the rest of my life like this makes me cry. I've been suicidal for a while now. The only reason I have not tried to commit suicide yet is because It would "suck" to die while a cure/treatment is on the way. I hope it comes in my lifetime. I'm just so sad now

 

[grate_biff]

Are you working with a doctor on a very scientific benzo withdraw plan or are they just dismissing it like they usually do?

Doctors know shit about tapering, so I'm on my own, but I'm very informed about it. Still, one can't avoid hell going through this shit.

The problem with my ADs is I've been on them far too long, so tolerance towards them has also become part of my problems.(Venlafaxine since 2002 and Mirtazapine since 2011)

Hope you are feeling OK today, and thank you @Daniel Lion for thinking of me/us

 

[Taw]

I wish I could trade my tinnitus for hyperacusis.

I would trade my pain hyperacusis anytime with a severe tinnitus (I have mild tinnitus). The constant sharpening pain from hyperacusis in the ears is excruciating, I cannot even speak because it hurts.

So beware what you wish for.

 

[Zugzug]

Doctors know shit about tapering, so I'm on my own, but I'm very informed about it. Still, one can't avoid hell going through this shit.

The problem with my ADs is I've been on them far too long, so tolerance towards them has also become part of my problems.(Venlafaxine since 2002 and Mirtazapine since 2011)

Hope you are feeling OK today, and thank you @Daniel Lion for thinking of me/us

Hey @grate_biff, have you considered contacting the Ketamine clinic in Oslo? I see from your information that you live in Moss, Norway. Here is a clinic, Axonklinikken. According to Google Maps, it should be a 50 minute drive or so. Love you, friend.

 

[Lasse S]

I would trade my pain hyperacusis anytime with a severe tinnitus (I have mild tinnitus). The constant sharpening pain from hyperacusis in the ears is excruciating, I cannot even speak because it hurts.

So beware what you wish for.

It goes both ways. As someone with both very severe tinnitus and hyperacusis/noxacusis, I can attest that both things sucks big time in their own way, but if I could get rid of only one of them, I would choose the tinnitus without a doubt. I can deal with the pain and discomfort from noises much better than 20+ different very loud noises in my ears and all over my head.

But it is not a competition and we are all different.

 

[Zugzug]

Severity is everything, my friends. It's really not that hard to picture other hearing disorders, in severe forms, being excruciating. Everyone's favorite "grass is greener" is loudness hyperacusis, and yet 99% of these people describe something that isn't loudness hyperacusis at all. It's always some vague concept like aural fullness or reactivity.

Yes, with severe loudness hyperacusis, the actual volume of noises is literally 5 times louder and the brain spazzes out trying to interpret the signal.

I can picture them all. I can picture no hyperacusis (pain or loudness), but with a million tones that can't be masked and has no escape.

Of course, I can also picture noxacusis, where sounds cause lasting burning pain. Sounds stunningly torturous.

Then there's distortions, where life is like an alternate reality.

Or clarity issues.

Or intense vertigo attacks where you could be at work and know you could have to be hospitalized at any given second.

Fuck guys, let's be open-minded. Severe is severe. Mild is mild. It should really be that simple.

 

[Óscar PP]

I guess I just miss silence... I wish I had Jastreboff here in my living room. I would play 200 dB techno music right on his ear for hours with a voice that screamed at him every now and then "problem's not the music, but your reaction to it"

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I'm losing my mind completely. I feel out of control over my own actions. Possesed by a dark force. I have constant thoughts of destroying myself. I'm so afraid. I don't want to die, but it is out of my control at this point and it's the most frightening scenario I could ever imagine. I'm gonna get killed. Some force will kill me.

I want to say to everybody in case I am meeting my demise soon. I send my love to all you fellow sufferers and this community.

A person can only take so much. Sorry I couldn't make it, I gave it my best and hope you all will succeed in finding some form of peace where I could not. Not one person deserves this. Maybe well meet again, in some form...

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Severity is everything, my friends. It's really not that hard to picture other hearing disorders, in severe forms, being excruciating. Everyone's favorite "grass is greener" is loudness hyperacusis, and yet 99% of these people describe something that isn't loudness hyperacusis at all. It's always some vague concept like aural fullness or reactivity.

Yes, with severe loudness hyperacusis, the actual volume of noises is literally 5 times louder and the brain spazzes out trying to interpret the signal.

I can picture them all. I can picture no hyperacusis (pain or loudness), but with a million tones that can't be masked and has no escape.

Of course, I can also picture noxacusis, where sounds cause lasting burning pain. Sounds stunningly torturous.

Then there's distortions, where life is like an alternate reality.

Or clarity issues.

Or intense vertigo attacks where you could be at work and know you could have to be hospitalized at any given second.

Fuck guys, let's be open-minded. Severe is severe. Mild is mild. It should really be that simple.

Jesus man

 

[Wrfortiscue]

It goes both ways. As someone with both very severe tinnitus and hyperacusis/noxacusis, I can attest that both things sucks big time in their own way, but if I could get rid of only one of them, I would choose the tinnitus without a doubt. I can deal with the pain and discomfort from noises much better than 20+ different very loud noises in my ears and all over my head.

But it is not a competition and we are all different.

How did you get all that?

 

[Taw]

@Zugzug, totally agree with you, every problem is different in its own way. I read many of your posts and learned a lot from them.

I have some other chronic problems (lower back spine surgery, stomach ulcer, TMJ, cervical herniation, and others) which cause chronic pain. All of them cause pain but a bearable one.

The noxacusis is a totally different league, like someone pours acid in your ear and the entire area near the ear is burning for weeks, only depressants ease the pain but I try not to use them.

In my case I don't even know what triggers the episodes. I use protection always outside and never expose myself to more than 80 dB (in the car or noisy streets) but always protected. And the next day the armaggedon begins with lower LDL and sharpening pain. I started to believe that the protection itself causes the pain episodes, because the earplugs cause inflammation and the earmuffs are very tight.

I really don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, the pain hyperacusis is hardest to heal and I am not improving after 4 months.

 

[Foamearplugssuck]

The only reason I have not tried to commit suicide yet is because It would "suck" to die while a cure/treatment is on the way

Same here. Every time I think about ending it I think about how pissed off my ghost would be if a viable treatment came along after I'm gone. I don't care how many decades it takes, no matter how fucked up my ears become, I will stay alive to just to get some relief when it comes.

 

[Lurius]

I guess I just miss silence... I wish I had Jastreboff here in my living room. I would play 200 dB techno music right on his ear for hours with a voice that screamed at him every now and then "problem's not the music, but your reaction to it"

I'd just make it much simpler and punch him in the face.

 

[Zugzug]

I'd just make it much simpler and punch him in the face.

"The only reason why your nose is bleeding is because you have a financial incentive to bleed. There's no other explanation for why Bleeding Retraining Therapy isn't working."