Suicidal

[catchthebus]

@danielthor, are you ever aware of your tinnitus when dreaming (or recalling a dream)?

I've experienced being woken up by my tinnitus when it randomly gets loud sometimes It's the worst! I wonder if that's something that's normal for people with tinnitus...

 

[catchthebus]

View attachment 48160

Way better than failing it and becoming crippled.

Lol I guess they called this law "Plan B".

 

[Damocles]

View attachment 48160

Lol I guess they called this law "Plan B".

That's it young man, you're going to be punished!...by being given exactly what you want.

That'll learn ya. ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͠°)

 

[Harder Calm]

I've experienced being woken up by my tinnitus when it randomly gets loud sometimes It's the worst! I wonder if that's something that's normal for people with tinnitus...

Yes, I have also experienced this. Fortunately it got less over time and happens only rarely now, and sleeping improved overall, fortunately, after many sleepless nights in the beginning...

 

[Rainer]

I've experienced being woken up by my tinnitus when it randomly gets loud sometimes It's the worst! I wonder if that's something that's normal for people with tinnitus...

For me, it unfortunately is not uncommon.

Usually after I had a day that was not so bad, like 2 out of 5.

I'd drift into sleep while thinking: "I could probably live with it if it were to stabilize on that level."

Two or three ours later I'd wake up from the noise, witnessing it getting louder as if someone would turn the stereo up to eleven.

BTW, did you ever read or post to alt.suicide.holiday?

I should probably explain: alt.suicide.holiday was a Usenet newsgroup. Usenet newsgroups were social media on the Internet of the last century.

I have seen the term "catch the bus" on alt.suicide.holiday more than 20 years ago, and never anywhere else. I found it intriguing that someone would use that as a screen name here.

 

[Brian Newman]

No. It is very unlikely. My issues are bilateral which would be super rare. I have the classic onset of a CSF leak, and I have classic symptoms. I have orthostatix head pain 24/7 (better lying down, worse standing), I have tinnitus which is red flag as 90% of people with leaks do. I have the vestibular issues, visual issues and other weird neurological weirdness that accompanies a spinal leak. Finding the leak is like a needle in a haystack and treating it is risky and lengthy. I can't live like this anymore. I'm only able to stand up maybe an hour a day. I've been in bed for over a year. Doctors don't GAF. No expertise, no will to bother acquiring any, no urgency, just gaslighting.

EDDTEKK, I have 4 kids, my youngest just turned 3 so I get it. I know they need me, the old trope everyone comes out with. But this noise and other symptoms aren't liveable.

TheDanishGirl, you can't go alone. You need someone to witness you. Pegasos don't provide that person, Exit International do. You befriend someone in the lead up so you join and build a relationship long before your VAD date. In fact, you need that lifelong membership to either Exit International or Pegasos before you file your application.

Yeah definitely sounds like some kind of CSF leak if you have to be flat all day. I feel better when my head is upright. You could get much better. Just gotta find that damn leak. It's gotta be somewhere. If you don't have hyperacusis I recommend keep seeing doctors. My hyperacusis keeps me homebound. It's a complete nightmare. How can they brush you off when you have all the symptoms of a CSF leak.

 

[ajc]

I should probably explain: alt.suicide.holiday was a Usenet newsgroup. Usenet newsgroups were social media on the Internet of the last century.

I have seen the term "catch the bus" on alt.suicide.holiday more than 20 years ago, and never anywhere else. I found it intriguing that someone would use that as a screen name here.

Google catch the bus suicide.

Catch the bus is a phrase meaning committing suicide. Widely used on the internet these days.

 

[Pharz]

If the only good times in my life now is when I am sleeping, then maybe this sleep should be much much longer or rather never ending. I saw that number of pages for FX-322 thread is 636, and here it's at 255, so there may be hope for future. But just to think I am living some of the best years of my life with this never-ending noise, makes me so sad.

Everything in life is good, except for this stupid noise. Except for this stupid noise.
I wonder how many more nights I can wake my love up to cry in his arms from the noise. I hope he doesn't get tired of me. I wish I had the chance of having babies, but just to think about a baby's cry, makes me cringe.

I fear for the tinnitus to get worse, if there is some weird sound coming from somewhere I panic so badly, till someone else confirms that they also hear the same thing and it's not just me.

I try to remain positive, in fact who enjoys being depressed? But often I find myself here and wonder how long I can continue like this.

P.S. I fucking hate my sister's dog and his barks.

 

[SD7]

Perhaps mentally, but over the last few months the hyperacusis and distorted hearing has got worse, which destroys my joy of life as everything I hear sounds so harsh as though it needs to be fine tuned, even when I talk myself things sound croaky and broken. Every time someone says something with an "s" in it I cringe as it cuts through my ears, everything is just so uncomfortable to hear, for the first 3 months it was primarily the 3 tones of tinnitus, but I have no idea why things progressed this way. God knows what is going on with me, the last 6 months have been awful.

How are things going with you now? Any improvement?

This is by far my worse symptom. S's are so hissy and mumble sentences and add a tinge of burning after being hard. It is so absolutely awful I hate it so much. I can't enjoy music, movies or even my f*cking loved ones speaking to me. WHY WHY WHY I keep wondering continuously did I have to get ringing as a side effect.

 

[Brian P]

This is by far my worse symptom. S's are so hissy and mumble sentences and add a tinge of burning after being hard. It is so absolutely awful I hate it so much. I can't enjoy music, movies or even my f*cking loved ones speaking to me. WHY WHY WHY I keep wondering continuously did I have to get ringing as a side effect.

Spoke with pharmacist today and she is reporting people have gotten tinnitus from the vaccine and it should resolve in 6-12 months. I doubt it...

 

[Exit]

Spoke with pharmacist today and she is reporting people have gotten tinnitus from the vaccine and it should resolve in 6-12 months. I doubt it...

If it happens then at least she'll probably be right on the timing.

Most cases longer then 2 weeks take that time. After 1 year I think we're done.

 

[Brian P]

If it happens then at least she'll probably be right on the timing.

Most cases longer then 2 weeks take that time. After 1 year I think we're done.

Mine has been ten months but Klonopin aggravated the COVID-19 vaccine induced tinnitus, so I have no idea. The tinnitus started to get a bit better but then the withdrawal from Klonopin blew it up.

 

[Juan]

Because I feel I am not going to endure this mentally. When I was diagnosed with OCD, it was the biggest mental drain I had in my life. I mean it was different than anything that I imagined. My psychologist convinced me with a little patience and finding a hobby and just be as calm as I can I will get through it. She tried offering SSRI but I strongly refused and kept on fighting on my own. And I really felt this way - I listened to her and followed the advice. Some days I was feeling the difference in a positive direction. Then all of a sudden came my split up which not only stopped my progress but even immensely worsened the situation. I never felt this kind if stress and pressure in my life. At that time, I only had a mild back pain left and even though it was chronic, I think I was going to manage somehow.

In time, with perspective, things look different. My advice would be to use the SSRI, use Paroxetine to calm down. It will change the way you see things and take you through this dark period. Bit by bit, step by step, you will recover your life.

 

[catchthebus]

If the only good times in my life now is when I am sleeping, then maybe this sleep should be much much longer or rather never ending. I saw that number of pages for FX-322 thread is 636, and here it's at 255, so there may be hope for future. But just to think I am living some of the best years of my life with this never-ending noise, makes me so sad.

Everything in life is good, except for this stupid noise. Except for this stupid noise.
I wonder how many more nights I can wake my love up to cry in his arms from the noise. I hope he doesn't get tired of me. I wish I had the chance of having babies, but just to think about a baby's cry, makes me cringe.

I fear for the tinnitus to get worse, if there is some weird sound coming from somewhere I panic so badly, till someone else confirms that they also hear the same thing and it's not just me.

I try to remain positive, in fact who enjoys being depressed? But often I find myself here and wonder how long I can continue like this.

P.S. I fucking hate my sister's dog and his barks.

I'm sorry. I wish with all my heart no one had to go through this. I'm glad you have someone special in your life though who is there to support you and help ease your pain. Even if they don't know what I'm going through, it always feels better to have someone there with me or talking to me. Getting tinnitus and losing the joy and peace of being quietly in my own company that I was both so fond of and which also made up the majority of my time, made me realize just how alone and isolated I really am. I hope I can find someone like that one day who can give me some sense of purpose and drive beyond myself because I'm so often alone and I hear my tinnitus and simply just don't like being me anymore. And I think the same thing and wonder how long I can keep doing this. I've never experienced anything that's been more tiring or continuously mentally exhausting and draining in my entire life than having developed tinnitus.

 

[catchthebus]

For me, it unfortunately is not uncommon.

Usually after I had a day that was not so bad, like 2 out of 5.

I'd drift into sleep while thinking: "I could probably live with it if it were to stabilize on that level."

Two or three ours later I'd wake up from the noise, witnessing it getting louder as if someone would turn the stereo up to eleven.

BTW, did you ever read or post to alt.suicide.holiday?

I should probably explain: alt.suicide.holiday was a Usenet newsgroup. Usenet newsgroups were social media on the Internet of the last century.

I have seen the term "catch the bus" on alt.suicide.holiday more than 20 years ago, and never anywhere else. I found it intriguing that someone would use that as a screen name here.

I've heard of that site but have never been a part of it. I randomly came across the phrase online recently for the first time in some person's Reddit or internet post and I took an immediate liking to it not only because I've been struggling with coping with my tinnitus, but because it's similar to one of my favorite Korean slang phrases. "get on the bus" which is a video game idiom referring to when someone in a team game who is competent, experienced, or skilled does all of the work for an incompetent, inexperienced, or struggling member(s) of his/her team. You essentially 'get on their bus' and let them do the driving since you're unable to do it yourself. That's why the guy in my profile picture is Faker, a Korean player widely hailed as the best professional League of Legends player of all time.

Essentially, I wish there was someone out there who could cure my tinnitus. Or at least, I wish there was a way I could escape it or that it would go away... So, I see my username as an embodiment of that desire.

 

[Exit]

Mine has been ten months but Klonopin aggravated the COVID-19 vaccine induced tinnitus, so I have no idea. The tinnitus started to get a bit better but then the withdrawal from Klonopin blew it up.

You deserve some luck so let's hope it calms down in a couple of months.

I'm 2 years in very soon... just getting worse.

So I don't know how to move forward from this new turn in my life.

 

[Brian P]

You deserve some luck so let's hope it calms down in a couple of months.

I'm 2 years in very soon... just getting worse.

So I don't know how to move forward from this new turn in my life.

I'm amazed it lasted 2 years! And kept your job.

 

[DebInAustralia]

My 2nd dose of Pfizer ended my life. I have Ménière's and had mild tinnitus. The Pfizer made it severe and reactive. Taking Klonopin for 6 weeks then tapering worsened it further. I'm walking dead right now. It's so loud and shrill I want to puke. I can only hope it goes down as my immunity wanes.

I really think the low dose Naltrexone should help you with your Meniere's disease, given that it's thought to be an autoimmune condition.

I'd be focusing on lowering TNF-alpha and deactivating microglial cells (as mentioned in Prof. Bao' s study linking neuroinflammation with tinnitus.

Resveratrol has the ability to deactivate microglial cells.

Low-dose Naltrexone can inhibit microglial too, as well as lowering TNF-alpha.

Have you considered John from Ohio regime, emphasizing Lysine? I wonder if you have EBV (HSV on board, if the vaccine has reactivated it)?

 

[Wrfortiscue]

You deserve some luck so let's hope it calms down in a couple of months.

I'm 2 years in very soon... just getting worse.

So I don't know how to move forward from this new turn in my life.

Why does it keep worsening? Autoimmune?

 

[Brian P]

I agree with both of you so much.

It doesn't help if you're not religious and you're afraid that death is the end.

It's an odd conundrum. Suffering in life and dying ends that but also ends everything else.

I'm not afraid of dying at all. I'm more afraid of living with this or ending up crippled.

 

[Brian P]

I really think the low dose Naltrexone should help you with your Meniere's disease, given that it's thought to be an autoimmune condition.

I'd be focusing on lowering TNF-alpha and deactivating microglial cells (as mentioned in Prof. Bao' s study linking neuroinflammation with tinnitus.

Resveratrol has the ability to deactivate microglial cells.

Low-dose Naltrexone can inhibit microglial too, as well as lowering TNF-alpha.

Have you considered John from Ohio regime, emphasizing Lysine? I wonder if you have EBV (HSV on board, if the vaccine has reactivated it)?

I was on Famvir. Didn't help me. I have very bad drug and supplement allergies. It's tough to get things into me.

 

[volsung37]

I'm suffering terribly with tinnitus now following vaccination. Loud humming and a variety of hisses and tones.

I am back to where I was in 2016.

However, for the last couple of years my tinnitus was almost unnoticeable. So it can get better. I know it's damned hard but the body is an amazing healing machine.

I must say though that I have absolutely no faith in medical science with regards to tinnitus. I can't see any magic bullet forthcoming. It is all down to ourselves and time.

 

[kingsfan]

FUCK this fucking ringing... if I owned a gun I'd put a bullet through both of my ears right now.

 

[Brian P]

FUCK this fucking ringing... if I owned a gun I'd put a bullet through both of my ears right now.

Good thing you live in California where only criminals have guns.

 

[kingsfan]

Good thing you live in California where only criminals have guns.

Yes the LA county sheriff gang has quite a lot of guns.

 

[mrbrightside614]

How long have people's longest spikes lasted for? I had been somewhat habituated to unilateral tinnitus ~10/2020 that started 7/2019.

I noticed I was being awoken by tinnitus again on Thanksgiving of this year. On 11/3, I had jaw prolotherapy which didn't cause any immediate spike, but 3 days later both of my ears were constantly undergoing fleeting spikes. They dissipated over the day, and as far as I know, everything was normal until 11/25.

Ever since then, everything has been getting worse. Both of the tones in my left ear are much louder, and they're both reactive to certain noises. I'd honestly qualify my tinnitus 9/10 in severity now and the once-soft hiss in my left ear is now screeching over everything—car noise + radio, gym ambient noise, everything but the shower. And my low whirring tone sometimes reacts to the shower, giving a slight distortion to it. I've had to go back up to 300 mg Seroquel in order to sleep (my starting dose upon first acquiring tinnitus, which I had whittled down to 100 mg recently) and I'm absolutely terrified that's where I must remain if this spike does not subside because I refuse to make a habit of benzos for sleep. This tinnitus is like if a fleeting spike never subsided. It's that level of amplification. I can't focus on anything for more than 2 seconds without this searing electricity surging to the front of my attention.

Below is a timeline of everything that I could manage to track down in hindsight:

11/3–prolotherapy

11/6–fleeting tinnitus spikes

11/25–started affecting sleep

11/27–started getting nervous about high tinnitus in morning

12/1–normal gaming with friends

12/5–still decent through day, awakening in mornings

12/7–higher tinnitus but day after Phenibut tinnitus was still better

12/9–started Prednisone; intrusive in gym; required benzos to sleep

12/12–possible trauma from microwave door but still decent at night

12/13–was still improving through night?

12/15–good sleep despite high tinnitus, last night of benzos

12/16–GI distress

12/17—severely intrusive; 6 hours sleep @ 125 mg Seroquel

12/19–strong residual inhibition, slight respite from horrible tinnitus but led to 5 hours sleep

12/20—worst case scenario tinnitus; reactive low tone (shower) and high (everything else); 300 mg Seroquel and .25 mg Halcyon to sleep

12/21–horribly intrusive, low not reactive to shower, less residual inhibition from shower, less GI distress/puckering

I just need some help and some hope. But please be honest. I've quit lifting to stay out of the noisy environment and am about to go a very strict anti-inflammatory/histamine diet that has been circulated somewhat here.

 

[kingsfan]

How long have people's longest spikes lasted for? I had been somewhat habituated to unilateral tinnitus ~10/2020 that started 7/2019.

I noticed I was being awoken by tinnitus again on Thanksgiving of this year. On 11/3, I had jaw prolotherapy which didn't cause any immediate spike, but 3 days later both of my ears were constantly undergoing fleeting spikes. They dissipated over the day, and as far as I know, everything was normal until 11/25.

Ever since then, everything has been getting worse. Both of the tones in my left ear are much louder, and they're both reactive to certain noises. I'd honestly qualify my tinnitus 9/10 in severity now and the once-soft hiss in my left ear is now screeching over everything—car noise + radio, gym ambient noise, everything but the shower. And my low whirring tone sometimes reacts to the shower, giving a slight distortion to it. I've had to go back up to 300 mg Seroquel in order to sleep (my starting dose upon first acquiring tinnitus, which I had whittled down to 100 mg recently) and I'm absolutely terrified that's where I must remain if this spike does not subside because I refuse to make a habit of benzos for sleep. This tinnitus is like if a fleeting spike never subsided. It's that level of amplification. I can't focus on anything for more than 2 seconds without this searing electricity surging to the front of my attention.

Below is a timeline of everything that I could manage to track down in hindsight:

11/3–prolotherapy

11/6–fleeting tinnitus spikes

11/25–started affecting sleep

11/27–started getting nervous about high tinnitus in morning

12/1–normal gaming with friends

12/5–still decent through day, awakening in mornings

12/7–higher tinnitus but day after Phenibut tinnitus was still better

12/9–started Prednisone; intrusive in gym; required benzos to sleep

12/12–possible trauma from microwave door but still decent at night

12/13–was still improving through night?

12/15–good sleep despite high tinnitus, last night of benzos

12/16–GI distress

12/17—severely intrusive; 6 hours sleep @ 125 mg Seroquel

12/19–strong residual inhibition, slight respite from horrible tinnitus but led to 5 hours sleep

12/20—worst case scenario tinnitus; reactive low tone (shower) and high (everything else); 300 mg Seroquel and .25 mg Halcyon to sleep

12/21–horribly intrusive, low not reactive to shower, less residual inhibition from shower, less GI distress/puckering

I just need some help and some hope. But please be honest. I've quit lifting to stay out of the noisy environment and am about to go a very strict anti-inflammatory/histamine diet that has been circulated somewhat here.

You described your hiss having a quality of "electricity." I have many pure tones I deal with but also a hiss that underlies all of those pure tones. Whenever I have a spike, that hiss always becomes very pronounced and I can only describe it as sounding like "electricity."

I had a recent spike from drinking too much alcohol. It took over a month for it to go away. I also had the same thing happen from the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, and it took 4 or more months.

I wonder if it will settle back down for you, and you just need to give it some extended time.

 

[danielthor]

Stem cells were pretty much my last hope with this neuro-disorder of mine, but apparently most stem cell is a scam and the cells don't do anything for neurological disorders unless given hours to a couple of days after onset. Should have known better not to get my hopes up. I keep worsening and I'm at a point now where it's nothing but sensible to off myself. How selfish of me to drag my body and brain through this shit and all this pain just so that I can feel normal again.

 

[mrbrightside614]

You described your hiss having a quality of "electricity." I have many pure tones I deal with but also a hiss that underlies all of those pure tones. Whenever I have a spike, that hiss always becomes very pronounced and I can only describe it as sounding like "electricity."

I had a recent spike from drinking too much alcohol. It took over a month for it to go away. I also had the same thing happen from the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, and it took 4 or more months.

I wonder if it will settle back down for you, and you just need to give it some extended time.

Thank you. I'm beginning to wonder if I got asymptomatic COVID-19 because I've never experienced anything like this, but I also didn't have tinnitus react to the vax.

 

[kingsfan]

Stem cells were pretty much my last hope with this neuro-disorder of mine, but apparently most stem cell is a scam and the cells don't do anything for neurological disorders unless given hours to a couple of days after onset. Should have known better not to get my hopes up. I keep worsening and I'm at a point now where it's nothing but sensible to off myself. How selfish of me to drag my body and brain through this shit and all this pain just so that I can feel normal again.

Yep. Same for me.

At the very beginning, I really had my heart set on Ketamine and Psilocybin, but the more I looked into it the more I realized neither will probably do anything. Now I'm just trying to find something to combat the anxiety/depression that doesn't make my tinnitus worse. This is a fucking curse.