Suicidal

[Matchbox]

Fuckity fuck! Ugh bad day just gets worse.

Woke up with bloody sheer ringing drilling intense tinnitus at like 6 kHz.

I had been hearing impulsive hammering that night, but waking up to loss of hearing (slight) and this intense ringing was too much at 4 am. Couldn't get back to sleep. Noises are as bad as ever, distortions both ears. Like a fucking nightmare. Nothing I do is working. No doctor wants to help pursue wtf is going on for me to worsen from the most pathetic of things.

I just feel like I can't move forward... at all. Makes one want to die. But I have no shotgun now. I can't even romance the idea.

It's just a pit of sound and anger and if it gets much louder I won't know what to do.

No drugs work anymore, none. I can't even down benzos thinking I'll have a nice sleep.

Nothing fucking works.

 

[Matchbox]

If there isn't a serious medical solution for tinnitus in the foreseeable future, I only have three options.

1. I will give in to how the thread is titled here.

2. I'll put myself in a coma until there's a miracle cure maybe 10 years from now.

3 . I lose everything I love, my work, my love, my music, my positivity. The only thing I can do is throw loud masking sounds on my ears from early in the morning (which makes things worse) and indulge in alcohol or other drugs at the same time.

In 2019, I fought painfully for my life in the intensive care unit for three weeks, then met the love of my life, but the 24/7, 9/10 tinnitus is draining my reserves more and more every month.

There hasn't been any remote relief for tinnitus for 50 years of research.

All these posts here in the Research News section, is that just a bit of a placebo for our souls?

Do you really believe that you can make a difference in such a complex topic?

You and me both.

 

[Óscar PP]

Hey guys, if you're thinking about giving up please join the Ukrainian militia. It won't be considered suicide so no victim blaming from society, and you'll be remembered as heroes!

Just a thought.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Sorry, but I'm not amused. I came the closest I've ever gotten to killing myself today. And I don't mean just feeling the strongest about committing the act in my mind.

If someone isn't ranting to get this thread closed then they are cracking jokes off the back of posts made out of desperation.

I guess I'll just do something I've never done before on here and block you. Be well @Damocles.

Hold on friend.

 

[Matchbox]

Hey guys, if you're thinking about giving up please join the Ukrainian militia. It won't be considered suicide so no victim blaming from society, and you'll be remembered as heroes!

Just a thought.

And if I survive, I definitely have more tinnitus and hearing loss from gunfire.

Would be pretty difficult to get there from North America, no flights to Ukraine directly, then you'd be driving through a torrent of refugees going the other way.

This is basically kinda stupid.

 

[danielthor]

Not gonna fight for a world that has failed me.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Hi @Chinmoku, I haven't forgotten you bro. You and your kids are in my thoughts often.

Always pulling for you and praying you have a respite from the noise.

Hugs.

 

[Chinmoku]

Hi @Chinmoku, I haven't forgotten you bro. You and your kids are in my thoughts often.

Always pulling for you and praying you have a respite from the noise.

Hugs.

Hugs Daniel, big Hugs my friend. The electric scream kept worsening and the hearing too, I don't know what to do, where to hide, how to go on one more day, I'm "living" for my kids literally but this is no life, it's torture. I hope you are doing better, I often thought about you and your kids too, your kindness, your lost friend the sculpture master, Laos... I hope things are not too bad on your side.

 

[Rainer]

Hey guys, if you're thinking about giving up please join the Ukrainian militia.

Brilliant idea. I'm sure they would be thrilled to have a 60-year-old weakling in their ranks who never came near any weapon in his whole life, let alone fired it.

It won't be considered suicide

Yes it would. You ask my wife, she'll tell you. Off.

 

[aura]

Hugs Daniel, big Hugs my friend. The electric scream kept worsening and the hearing too, I don't know what to do, where to hide, how to go on one more day, I'm "living" for my kids literally but this is no life, it's torture. I hope you are doing better, I often thought about you and your kids too, your kindness, your lost friend the sculpture master, Laos... I hope things are not too bad on your side.

You are amazing.

 

[PeteJ]

Hey guys, if you're thinking about giving up please join the Ukrainian militia. It won't be considered suicide so no victim blaming from society, and you'll be remembered as heroes!

Just a thought.

Could we just use the weapon on ourselves? Much easier.

I have a horrible spike currently. Not sure why. My right ear seems to have way more tones and louder.

I agree with the guy who was upset about the lack of progress on tinnitus research and any kind of progress treating it. Yep.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Hugs Daniel, big Hugs my friend. The electric scream kept worsening and the hearing too, I don't know what to do, where to hide, how to go on one more day, I'm "living" for my kids literally but this is no life, it's torture. I hope you are doing better, I often thought about you and your kids too, your kindness, your lost friend the sculpture master, Laos... I hope things are not too bad on your side.

Hi @Chinmoku, I am stumped on advice, I wish I could help you. I can only suggest you tell your kids how much you love them and get as many hugs and kisses possible when you see them.

I went to the hospital yesterday, I couldn't breathe. They put me on a drip and eventually my breathing became more regular. Bronchitis, lung damage, etc. I didn't tell my family, I kept it under raps, I didn't want to stress them out.

I still have gratitude and a positive vibe despite everything (post tinnitus, hearing loss and lung damage - I have come to realize I'm a real nut job).

Don't give up my friend, try and exercise when nobody is around and it is quiet, it will help your system.

I stopped crying now, when I started writing you, tears were rolling down. I pray for you always. I'll post some pics of some art I have been working on when and if it's finished.

Love you friend,
Daniel

 

[danielthor]

One of the things holding me back is the thought of all the beauty I'm going to miss out on, but I'm realizing now that the beauty of our world is only real within the walls of humanity. Our art, food, architecture, even nature... in reality, it's probably nothing. Does a fish like music? None of it is relevant when we leave this realm. It is only relevant in this life, where I don't have access to it anyways, where it's only function now is to remind me of the fact that I have lost it and will never be able to enjoy it ever again. Even if I do get my life and access back, death will probably still be more preferable, because as long as I live I will have to bare the fact that I am one day going to lose it.

 

[Chinmoku]

I went to the hospital yesterday, I couldn't breathe. They put me on a drip and eventually my breathing became more regular. Bronchitis, lung damage, etc. I didn't tell my family, I kept it under raps, I didn't want to stress them out.

I still have gratitude and a positive vibe despite everything (post tinnitus, hearing loss and lung damage - I have come to realize I'm a real nut job).

Don't give up my friend, try and exercise when nobody is around and it is quiet, it will help your system.

I stopped crying now, when I started writing you, tears were rolling down. I pray for you always. I'll post some pics of some art I have been working on when and if it's finished.

Love you friend,
Daniel

Thank you, Daniel, and sorry to hear about the lung damage. It's amazing that you maintain a gratitude vibe. I also cry a lot, mostly for how unfair it is for fathers with young kids to be in this state, kids who would need normal and healthy fathers, not people in perpetual agony.

Please post your art when ready, we need a lot of beauty to stay alive with this torture.

Love and a big hug.

 

[GoatSheep]

I also cry a lot, mostly for how unfair it is for fathers with young kids to be in this state, kids who would need normal and healthy fathers, not people in perpetual agony.

I'm in a similar place to you and @Daniel Lion now @Chinmoku. My noxacusis now keeps me from socializing much with my children. All I am to them now is a caretaker in that I feed them, make sure they bathe and go to school. I have joint custody currently, but at this rate I'm not sure how long that will remain in place. I protect 24/7, but I seem to be getting worse. I hope that is just in my head and I'm panicked right now.

We all need help that simply isn't coming quick enough.

 

[ajc]

I'm in a similar place to you and @Daniel Lion now @Chinmoku. My noxacusis now keeps me from socializing much with my children. All I am to them now is a caretaker in that I feed them, make sure they bathe and go to school. I have joint custody currently, but at this rate I'm not sure how long that will remain in place. I protect 24/7, but I seem to be getting worse. I hope that is just in my head and I'm panicked right now.

We all need help that simply isn't coming quick enough.

At least you have a reason to live for... children.

 

[Chinmoku]

One of the things holding me back is the thought of all the beauty I'm going to miss out on, but I'm realizing now that the beauty of our world is only real within the walls of humanity. Our art, food, architecture, even nature... in reality, it's probably nothing. Does a fish like music? None of it is relevant when we leave this realm. It is only relevant in this life, where I don't have access to it anyways, where it's only function now is to remind me of the fact that I have lost it and will never be able to enjoy it ever again. Even if I do get my life and access back, death will probably still be more preferable, because as long as I live I will have to bare the fact that I am one day going to lose it.

Your situation is another case that is breaking my heart. When the pain is so intense, prolonged and without escape, and we are attacked from all sides, everything tends to lose meaning, the pain wins easily.

However, as humans we have a very special perspective informed by the scale and speeds where we live. Physics tells us that time is not what it looks like: in relativity it is merged with space in a single metric, simultaneous events don't really exists, and in some states of quantum theory with gravity (we don't have a good theory yet), like presumably the early universe, time and space as we imagine them don't even exist. The direction of time seems a statistical thing, time's arrow doesn't even look a fundamental thing. Bell's theorem in quantum mechanics, verified experimentally by Aspects, says that the universe is either unreal (things don't have defined states like positions or velocities) or non-local (everything across the universe is holistically interconnected on scales beyond relativity theory).

The world is so strange that someone healthy would question its reality, but for us in pain it seems incredibly real.

Granted, we don't understand dark energy and dark matter, so who knows what's really out there, and consciousness is a big mystery, but all this is wiped away by our horrid pain, and hearing someone say this existence might not be real in the sense we believe makes you wish to hit the person with a staff, a la zen master.

I'm with you, pain feels super-real, but saying "I am one day going to lose it" presumes time is real and linear, and at the cost of risking a staff on my head, science tells us this is not true. Our suffering might have meaning beyond our comprehension, or maybe no meaning at all. I'm sorry for how you are feeling, I feel similarly. If only medicine were more evolved.

 

[Chinmoku]

I'm in a similar place to you and @Daniel Lion now @Chinmoku. My noxacusis now keeps me from socializing much with my children. All I am to them now is a caretaker in that I feed them, make sure they bathe and go to school. I have joint custody currently, but at this rate I'm not sure how long that will remain in place. I protect 24/7, but I seem to be getting worse. I hope that is just in my head and I'm panicked right now.

We all need help that simply isn't coming quick enough.

Amen to that and sorry to hear that you are in a very similar situation. Why these horrors... bloody medicine, everything is so slow. I have little hope left anything can touch tinnitus at this level, and it keeps worsening. Susan Shore is taking forever, in 2018 I had hoped to have access to a successful FX-322 by now... nothing. There is only one way for the relief we are desperate for and we cannot take it without ruining our kids forever. Not that seeing us in this state does them much good either. Stupid universe, stupid evolution, stupid ear/brain medicine.

 

[Kenilworth]

I have been told by more than one person that my suffering has a deeper meaning, purpose and that something good is simply waiting to emerge from it.

As much as they mean well, at times it seems like there's no meaning to any of my suffering or that there is no reward to be found from my current state.

My experience with tinnitus/hyperacusis has broken me into so many pieces, so much so that my shattered fragments cannot simply be put back together. Some of us cannot simply rise from our circumstances. Some of us are just left broken forever.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Thank you @Chinmoku! Believe me, every day is a struggle.

@GoatSheep, @danielthor, @PeteJ, and anybody I forgot - I am sorry to meet you here and implore you to hold on. Wishing you love. It is all I got.

@ajc, you have helped so many people on this forum and we are all grateful for your help. Life makes no sense. We all love you friend, I hope you can find some joy and peace ASAP.

Talk to you cats soon.
Peace out.

 

[Matt G]

Hey there, I am not sure if you will find solace in this at all from some random internet stranger, but I am right here with you. Although I am not currently suicidal, I am very depressed about my situation.

I am a lifelong, and chronic tinnitus sufferer. I have had this condition since getting knocked in the head when I was 8 years old. I thought my whole childhood, teenage, and early adulthood that everyone heard some sort of high pitched ringing in their ears. However, this was incredibly mild compared to the 3 major changes my tinnitus has made since I turned 23.

I will never forget the first time my tinnitus worsened after and ungodly loud wedding reception I went to. It added a new "glass bowl" tone that I could hear over everything. Actually, looking back, this is when I first got some version of Hyperacusis. I was a health inspector and the hand dryers at this restaurant were ungodly loud. Luckily, that only lasted a few weeks, however the "glass bowl" tone persisted. I remember calling my mother and telling her that I couldn't do this anymore and I didn't want to ever wake up again.

4 months passed after that, and the glass bowl tone slowly slipped from the front of my conscious, and I didn't hear it again for years.

The second time my tinnitus worsened: 10 months ago I lost and started a new job, ended a 6 year relationship, and was overall stressed about COVID-19. Everything in the US was starting to open back up and I was desperate for some fun and human connection. I lined up early for my COVID-19 vaccines as I knew my favorite DJ of all time was coming into town. I have never been to a concert/gig without ear protection in my adult life, but during the last 10 minutes of the show, I took my ear plugs out. Next weekend, I went to watch my buddy race (ear plugs of course) but I knew something was wrong two days afterwards. I started to gradually develop a new tone, and then a week later I developed reactive tinnitus.

I came home after work everyday for about a month and just cried my eyes out. I couldn't believe what my life had become. Faucets, paper towels, cutlery, and my own piss hitting the toilet bowl made my tinnitus react. I used ear plugs whenever I went outside. Over the course of a few months, I started to wean off ear plugs and started doing errands and the occasional restaurant. At first, it was absolutely terrible. Like when I was 23, I heard my tinnitus over everything. Slowly, and definitely not in linear fashion, I started getting passed it. Some things still made my tinnitus react, but over the course of several months, I had really made huge leaps in my mental capacity to deal with the new reactive tinnitus. By October 2021, I was working out everyday, and I traveled to Seattle by myself and didn't need to plug up once. From there, if you would of asked me if my hyperacusis/tinnitus were bothering me, I would have probably said no. I truly was well on my way to recovery.

Third worsening and where I am currently: I caught COVID-19 in December, and I gotta be honest, I didn't listen to the advice of so many of the hyperacusis sufferers on this forum. I was listening to my ANC earphones (albeit extremely low volumes). I believe those two things, combined with being at a very small New Years gathering at my buddies house where kazoos were being used at the ball drop, I have completely lost all my recovery and have worsened. Hyperacusis has developed into pain hyperacusis, new reactive chirp tone has been added, "glass bowl" tone is back for the first time in years, and my mental attitude towards this is lower than its ever been in my life.

I really hope this doesn't cause you more despair, that is not my intention at all. I think what I am trying to get at is that I know exactly where you are at. In a little over 5 years, my tinnitus has dramatically shifted three times, and every time it has shifted I truly thought I would never make it. In fact, sometimes I didn't want to make it. I wanted to just sleep forever and never hear the noise again. However, each time, I fought that instinct with every fiber in my body. I would do anything to distract me: video games, lifting, walking, calling a friend/loved one, etc. anything to take my mind off of it, even if it was for a short moment.

I am pleading with you, please do not make any permanent decisions you will not be able to take back. I'm in the depths of despair right now and I know from my experience things will get better eventually. Although I don't know you, I know where you are at and I truly care for your well-being. Please do not do this, and if you are thinking about acting on it, there is help out there I promise.

Hugs my friend.

 

[Pau Marti]

I see. I just feel the Pegasos procedure is easier (maybe I'm wrong) and they have already confirmed that they have helped people with our conditions before, which is a comfort to know. Anyway I will gladly pay the money Pegasos requires if it comes down to that, but I am also fortunately in a position now where I can pay that. I feel for those who can't but Pegasos states on their website that they are working on a solution for people who don't have the means to pay for a VAD. Hopefully they really are.

I can confirm you that they have helped people suffering from tinnitus. My brother applied for VAD. Everything was smooth, transparent and concise. A difficult decision indeed... but inevitable, at least in my brother's case.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

Thanks very much for this important update, Pau Marti.

This made me ask myself, on a theoretical basis, how I would respond if Pegasos right now (at 10.A.M. Chicago Time) showed up at my front door and offered an anesthetic that would immediately, painlessly knock me out with a lethal injection to follow.

I cannot believe that the realization that there are now (or will be) routine euthanizations for this condition still has not galvanized the Medical Research World into concentrating on finding an effective treatment.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

I can confirm you that they have helped people suffering from tinnitus. My brother applied for VAD. Everything was smooth, transparent and concise. A difficult decision indeed... but inevitable, at least in my brother's case.

Thank you for sharing your experience with Pegasos. I can tell you it means a lot to have confirmation that there are people out there willing to provide a peaceful end, should it come to that. So sorry to hear about your brother I am sure he is at peace now. I hope you can find at least a bit of comfort in that.

 

[Pau Marti]

Thanks very much for this important update, Pau Marti.

This made me ask myself, on a theoretical basis, how I would respond if Pegasos right now (at 10.A.M. Chicago Time) showed up at my front door and offered an anesthetic that would immediately, painlessly knock me out with a lethal injection to follow.

I cannot believe that the realization that there are now (or will be) routine euthanizations for this condition still has not galvanized the Medical Research World into concentrating on finding an effective treatment.

As far as I am concerned, Dave, it was really important to update this information regarding VAD with Pegasos. It might be quite useful for some people. It kind of shocked me how powerful, effective and painless the Pentobarbital was when administered intravenously. I still remember like yesterday the email confirming us VAD. It was short, straightforward and to the point. Definitely they do not beat around the bush.

 

[Pau Marti]

Thank you for sharing your experience with Pegasos. I can tell you it means a lot to have confirmation that there are people out there willing to provide a peaceful end, should it come to that. So sorry to hear about your brother I am sure he is at peace now. I hope you can find at least a bit of comfort in that.

I am immensely grateful for all the support from them. Leading up to the VAD process was daunting both emotionally and psychologically but their help and commitment were crucial in order to cope with the whole thing.

Regards.

 

[Zugzug]

@Zugzug, how are you keeping?

Hi Daniel. I miss you dearly. I am alive, barely, and not doing well.

How are you doing? When are we going to create hyperacusis world?

 

[volsung37]

Hang on in there.

I have been through this before.

Suicidal in 2016.

In 2 years or so I was back living a normal life with very low tinnitus.

The body is a remarkable healing system.

I am back here because of severe pulsatile and ordinary tinnitus brought on by the Pfizer shot. This is 10 times worse than my previous tinnitus.

In the first months I made my will and put away money for funeral costs.

I am now just over 3 months into the nightmare and not much has improved. It's made worse by the knowledge that I was determined not to be vaxxed but got panicked by the introduction of COVID-19 passes which only lasted a month and a bit. I have had these throbbing, hissing, squealing sounds for twice that time now.

Anyway I look at it through Buddhist eyes. I made a mistake by getting the jab. My duty was to protect my body from harm. I am not going to make a further, perhaps worse mistake by fatally damaging my body causing death. I would also create suffering for my loved ones. The karma would be absolutely terrible and could influence future rebirths.

You may say that you don't believe in an afterlife but you can never know. I believed the vaccine was safe and look how that turned out.

Just take one day at a time and you'll get through this.

 

[Damocles]

Hi Daniel. I miss you dearly. I am alive, barely, and not doing well.

How are you doing? When are we going to create hyperacusis world?

@Daniel Lion, @Zugzug, what the hell is hyperacusis world? This place sounds amazing.

I'm picturing a planet made entirely of sponge or foam.

Disclaimer: hyperacusis world I'm imagining does not have wooden doors or glass windows. All doors are made of sound absorptive non-biodegradable spaghetti curtains, and windows out of long-life bubbles that are replaced once every two weeks, for hygiene purposes.

Also hyperacusis world does not contain torches or fire (because fire would require wood, and we got rid of all the doors, plus hyperacusis world is flammable). Instead hyperacusis world is made of glow in the dark sponge and/or foam.

Let me know if we're on the same page here guys.

 

[Steph1710]

I really hope this doesn't cause you more despair, that is not my intention at all. I think what I am trying to get at is that I know exactly where you are at. In a little over 5 years, my tinnitus has dramatically shifted three times, and every time it has shifted I truly thought I would never make it. In fact, sometimes I didn't want to make it. I wanted to just sleep forever and never hear the noise again. However, each time, I fought that instinct with every fiber in my body. I would do anything to distract me: video games, lifting, walking, calling a friend/loved one, etc. anything to take my mind off of it, even if it was for a short moment.

This is amazing. You are amazing. Words of wisdom and encouragement.

Even though I'm at an okay place with my tinnitus/hyperacusis at the moment, reading your post still gives me great comfort.