Suicidal

[volterra]

Ah the chronic worsening phase where everyone around you is healing and people just think you're nuts lol.

Who is healing?

 

[Brian Newman]

This pain hyperacusis, man, I have read just about every single horror story on this forum and every website. I have seen very few cases as horrendous as mine. I have never heard of somebody getting severe pain for days from a squeaking door through hearing protection. I have to sit in a room with double protection 24/7 now. The pain never stops. Once I hear a noise, it adds even more pain to my ears that doesn't go away. What a damn nightmare. My tinnitus is loud, but I'm in so much pain it doesn't bother me. 2 years in and I get worse every single month. Living in a room and I still get worse. After reading more horror stories I realized how bad i actually am with my pain level and my ability to worsen very fast. The lingering pain is the absolute worst version of any type of hyperacusis and I wouldn't wish this on anybody. It feels like my ear is imploding out of my head with burning poison knives being shoved through with molten lava.

Imagine being so severe you just want to be in a room, not be in severe pain and just play Xbox all day and be somewhat ok. Lol. I can't even be in a room with double protection to get the pain down. My luck with ear stuff was incredible for years and I was always careful. Now every possible thing that could go wrong with your ears I'm experiencing. I don't want to be like I'm worse and make people feel like their ear issues are not a big deal. Any level of this sucks. I've experienced every single level. After baby ounces of improvement in May, I was having pain free days and being able to run at 2am. I was still homebound though. And I come on here and say I'm feeling better, what a horrible idea. I do believe noxacusis people do improve slowly over time but they are always on edge from complete disaster. So most will never come back and post that they are feeling better. I never will again even if I'm cured.

I'm in an even deeper hole with even less sounds I can tolerate. I have to bed feed 3 meals a day and I just don't shower much anymore. I cannot think, I can't trade anymore, I can barely play video games with double protection, I just can't believe my luck. One of the worse noxacusis cases ever. A hurricane destroys my house and I have to move into a louder house. I was hanging on by a damn thread with LDN. How can a human survive getting severe long lasting pain from 20 decibels. My will to live must be strong because I really can't see too many people living at this level. Only a handful of people. I wish there was treatment for all of us, I wish more was done. 7 years this month with tinnitus, and the field has done absolutely nothing for us and all we got was more sound therapy research and failed hearing regeneration trials. I cannot believe how bad noxacusis can get, I still don't believe it. I read some stories and was like no way, it has to be something else going on and lots of anxiety. I am in utter disbelief. I can be having a better day, and be instantly turned to hell from one wrong noise under 30 dB.

I partly suspect I'm so bad because I still probably have a perilymph fistula in my right ear which could be causing my extreme sensitivity. Maybe it's keeping the pain in my left ear from improving, who knows. I can't get treatment for it. I'm going to have to wait 5-10 years to be able to make a few trips for stem cells. I still can't believe it. I was as healthy as a horse and strong as an ox and now I'm weak, skinny, dying in bed. Throwing up every day, can barely hold food down because of the pain.

When does it end? Unfortunately there's only one way out and it terrifies me. I try not to think about it but from the beginning of this hell I knew I was screwed from the start. This level was meant to happen, there was no way to heal but only worsen or stagnate the worsening.

Sorry for the damn long post but I'm going to need a miracle here folks because it ain't lookin' good. Might drug myself up and try to make a trip for intratympanic stem cells and exosomes. Going to talk to Silverstein soon to discuss disconnecting the middle ear entirely and removing both muscles. I need hearing loss to give my inner ear a break. If I lost 50 dB of hearing and it raised my LDLs from 0 to 50, I could be living the life! Imagine having 50 LDLs without pain.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

I have to bed feed 3 meals a day and I just don't shower much anymore. I cannot think, I can't trade anymore

Brian, I understand.

Here are some recommendations for your specific conditions. A therapy group that I once had involvement with, has had success with MSM powder, Palmitoylethanolamide and liquid Pure Encapsulations Magnesium Glycinate. You might see a 25% improvement. In my opinion, this therapy group has the best no financial incentive doctors, pharmaceutical doctors, researchers and therapists on the planet.

 

[Jerad]

Kryptonite. The S on our chest stands for "Super Fragile."

 

[Brian Newman]

A therapy group that I once had involvement with, has had success with MSM powder, Palmitoylethanolamide and liquid Pure Encapsulations Magnesium Glycinate. You might see a 25% improvement. In my opinion, this therapy group has the best no financial incentive doctors, pharmaceutical doctors, researchers and therapists on the planet.

Thanks Greg! I will try anything at this point. I have tried so many things and only get worse. Where can I get this stuff?

 

[Jerad]

Severe tinnitus.

 

[SmallRonnie]

Thanks Greg! I will try anything at this point. I have tried so many things and only get worse. Where can I get this stuff?

You can buy PEA and the Magnesium on Nootropics Depot. They ship from Arizona. They are kinda expensive but are probably the highest quality supplement provider.

They have a very detailed article here about pain.

They also have a podcast on it. I need to read all of that too but I bought almost everything they offer for pain. See how they mention PEA too. The capsules are dosed at 400 mg but I think taking 3 of them is best according to research. It takes 4 or 5 weeks for them to start working though.

I have a similar issue to yours although not as severe obviously. I get long lasting pain that lasts weeks or months in silence but usually from fairly loud noise.

Anyway, I am in massive pain daily right now and I've been trying lots of things.

I take the PEA, 3 capsules daily. I take the Rephyll capsules too but I take double the recommended dose. I take the Longvida Curcumin.

One that might actually help the most is Agmatine. There are studies where they use it to treat neuropathic pain and the dose is 2 or 3 grams which is a lot higher than the standard dose but I think it works for pain.

ALA could be good too. Matrine might also be helpful.

I'm going to take all of these right now and will see if it helps. I've been awake most of the night because I can't sleep with the pain I'm in so just going to get up for the day now.

I'll report back if my pain gets any better today.

EDIT #1:

Just to add to above. I noticed it as I'm taking it. DLPA could also be for pain.

Quercetin is another one that's maybe good for pain. Also high doses of fish oil could be good. Maybe taking all of these together is good. This is what I'm doing just because I can't stand the pain I'm in and I don't care about not knowing what exactly is making it work as long as it works.

Taking lots of things that act in similar ways could potentially have synergistic effects.

I take Magnesium L-Threonate because that's the type of Magnesium that can pass the blood brain barrier but not sure if it's better than Glycinate.

The Nootropics Depot article states that increasing dopamine may reduce pain. I'm not sure how true that is but I do take a lot of energy boosting nootropics/stimulants. The mood boost helps with the tinnitus but the pain makes me not worry about the tinnitus at all anyway lol.

If you want something relaxing, they just released a coriander extract and it is very calming so that could maybe help with sleep. Apigenin and Melatonin are also good for sleep.

EDIT #2:

Updating now since I said I would.

I took a lot of supplements this morning but the ones I took for pain were 2.5 g Agmatine, 1.2 g PEA (Palmitoylethanolamide), 2 g DLPA, 250 mg Quercetin and 300 mg ALA.

Those are listed in the order I think they were most effective. I definitely noticed a big reduction in pain considering I was in a lot of pain all night, then it pretty much went away after I took those supplements.

I also took 4-DMA-7-8-DHF, Noopept, Polygala, Alpha-GPC, Matrine, ALCAR, L-Taurine, L-Theanine, Magnesium and loads more but these are not really for pain, I don't think.

The high dose Agmatine could be giving the majority of the benefit.

Anyway, do try out the main ones I mentioned if you can @Brian Newman.

And try the higher doses that I mentioned since they are higher than the standard doses. There are several studies showing it is safe to do so at least for a few months but do a little research yourself or even ask a doctor specifically about Agmatine, PEA and DLPA.

Research on Agmatine for pain:

• Evidence for Dietary Agmatine Sulfate Effectiveness in Neuropathies Associated with Painful Small Fiber Neuropathy. A Pilot Open-Label Consecutive Case Series Study
• Agmatine reverses pain induced by inflammation, neuropathy, and spinal cord injury
• Safety and Efficacy of Dietary Agmatine Sulfate in Lumbar Disc-associated Radiculopathy. An Open-label, Dose-escalating Study Followed by a Randomized, Double-blind, Placebo-controlled Trial

More information on Agmatine:

• Examine.com: Agmatine

 

[PeteJ]

I think I have a perforated ear drum aka ruptured ear drum?

I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. I don't think a general physician can do anything but use a scope to look in the ear and confirm yes or no?

My left ear is in a lot of pain. Does anyone here care how it happened?

I don't feel like typing more cuz of the pain.

I was hoping someone here (lots of people must have that happen to them?) knows what happens next?

It's supposed to heal on its own but takes a long time to heal, right? Over a week - weeks?

I also have a spike and my tinnitus is still awful. :-(

I appreciate any replies.

Take care and be careful around noise and what you do with your earplugs - other people don't care that you need them or when you wear them.

 

[Jerad]

Did anyone here ever play this video game for the original Sega Genesis? It was the hardest game I ever played. With severe noxacusis and tinnitus, life reminds me of this game. It's emulating it. I couldn't even get past level 1 in that game—it was impossible. And I can't in this new life either. We're in the worst, hardest-to-play video game ever. We can't even get past level 1 in our lives.

 

[SmallRonnie]

I think I have a perforated ear drum aka ruptured ear drum?

I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. I don't think a general physician can do anything but use a scope to look in the ear and confirm yes or no?

My left ear is in a lot of pain. Does anyone here care how it happened?

I don't feel like typing more cuz of the pain.

I was hoping someone here (lots of people must have that happen to them?) knows what happens next?

It's supposed to heal on its own but takes a long time to heal, right? Over a week - weeks?

I also have a spike and my tinnitus is still awful. :-(

I appreciate any replies.

Take care and be careful around noise and what you do with your earplugs - other people don't care that you need them or when you wear them.

How did that happen?

I'm not familiar with how long it takes to heal.

Always better to over protect than under protect for sure.

As time goes on, it's easier to know what you can and can't handle.

 

[Jerad]

This is too true. It's scary.

 

[tpj]

This is too true. It's scary.

View attachment 52277

Hi Jerad. Loved your horror photos.

Any particular chapter?

 

[Travis Henry]

Man what a fight every day is. Don't take benzos ever. Unless you are about to die IMO.

 

[Chinmoku]

I think I have a perforated ear drum aka ruptured ear drum?

I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. I don't think a general physician can do anything but use a scope to look in the ear and confirm yes or no?

My left ear is in a lot of pain. Does anyone here care how it happened?

I don't feel like typing more cuz of the pain.

I was hoping someone here (lots of people must have that happen to them?) knows what happens next?

It's supposed to heal on its own but takes a long time to heal, right? Over a week - weeks?

I also have a spike and my tinnitus is still awful. :-(

I appreciate any replies.

Take care and be careful around noise and what you do with your earplugs - other people don't care that you need them or when you wear them.

That happened to me. It typically seals in one to three weeks, or even earlier depending on the hole size. Don't blow your nose hard, don't do Valsalva maneuvers or expose the ears to pressure changes if possible (big elevators, trains in tunnels, flights etc). While the hole is open, you may experience temporary hearing reduction and increased tinnitus. In the UK there is no treatment, they just wait, but the only thing I'd recommend is for a GP or ENT to look into your ear with an otoscope to assess the hole size, but it will be ok, just be patient. I was checked one month later and my hole had completely sealed.

 

[Jerad]

Hi Jerad. Loved your horror photos.

Any particular chapter?

Thanks, @tpj. If I had to compare how I currently feel in life, where it's like my world's ending and becoming incompatible with existence, and with a great reckoning, I'd pick Revelation 6:12–17. I feel I can relate to it in a way.

Revelation 6:12-17
King James Version

12 And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

14 And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.

15 And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;

16 And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:

17 For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

 

[Travis Henry]

I'll be lucky to make it to the new year in my current state. Can't believe it.

Before tinnitus, I wouldn't have in a million years dreamed of suicide; it didn't make sense why you would willingly trade in this life. Even with mild/moderate tinnitus, life was great and the condition was only a minor annoyance. Unfortunately the T decided normal mild/moderate levels were not enough for me.

If it were one increase that stabilized I could approach this more productively. However over the last 2 months I have found myself in a free fall. The first increase 2 months ago I thought was bad, but I'd work to habituate again. Since then I made some progress, but slowly the tinnitus became worse and worse. Normal sounds can raise my baseline, hence the "free fall". Silverware dropping on a granite counter raised it, driving raised it, a family dinner raised it, and last night a fork scraping the wrong way on a plate raised it an amount that seems impossible from such a typical sound, I struggle to believe what I am experiencing, yet I cannot deny it. These are not spikes that fade, it is all stacking and my new baseline is absolutely screaming, it's many many times more intrusive and loud than my initial increase. It's so intense that my body feels like it vibrates with the low rumbling, and the high screeching seems to be accompanied by agonizing burning facial pain.

I optimistically started TRT and therapy at the beginning of this ramping up, but it has gone so far in the opposite direction since then that those feel like putting a bandaid on a decapitated head. I could work with even extreme tinnitus if it stayed stable, but this keeps getting significantly worse at least once a week. Habituation unfortunately doesn't work when you have a few days to adjust before it increases again. I can't understand what is happening, and it feels like I keep getting curbstomped into the ground when I start to slightly be able to breathe again. I am now moved back in with my parents and I feel terrible they see me this way. I had such a fulfilling life before this. I exist almost as a zombie holding on to a hope that seems almost delusional at this rate. It's as if I am fighting the hydra that grows back two heads for every one I cut off. My trend strongly suggests I will continue getting worse. This is not me being emotional, this is me looking at the fact that my tinnitus has been rapidly worsening over the past months and does not yet show any signs of stopping. I am already well beyond my breaking point, and I need something to break to the upside soon. My life is painful and miserable at the moment but I truthfully do not want to kill myself at all. I want to survive this for myself and for my family and friends. I simply don't know how I will be able to if it continues to decline.

I feel every bit of this.

 

[tpj]

Who would have thought that noise could kill us?

 

[Jerad]

Who would have thought that noise could kill us?

Ya, it's wild. The CIA has used sound as a "no-touch" torture device at the COBALT detention facility and it has been recorded elsewhere, too, as a means to induce torture effectively throughout the years. They use white noise or music, but don't exceed 82 dB supposedly to avoid hearing loss. However, sound can be torture nonetheless. Imagine the CIA inducing noxacusis or tinnitus to torture? Sadly, what many of us go through is much worse than the methods they do employ. Extreme noxacusis and tinnitus compared to music all day? The latter sounds like a cakewalk.

 

[Theezy]

I love life and really want to stick around. Nothing has ever made me even consider taking my life before severe degenerative tinnitus and hyperacusis. Now it flashes through my mind often because the tinnitus volume and sounds continuously increase along with worsening loudness hyperacusis with a touch of noxacusis (lingering burning pain).

It's one thing to habituate to stable tinnitus, but mine has introduced new tones and dramatically increased in baseline volume and intrusiveness over the past few months. Everyday sounds such as dropping silverware or shutting a door too hard spike my tinnitus absurdly, and have stacked to a much much higher baseline tinnitus. It is not simply mental, I promise you I understand that is sometimes the case, but mine is another beast from what is was a couple months ago or even last week. I hear additional tones that did not exist before, and sounds that used to reliably mask it cant hold a candle to it now.

No ENT or audiologist has been able to give me a confident answer about what could be causing this. Oftentimes I hear the opinion that it is not possible for normal sounds to worsen tinnitus. I wish calling my excruciating experience "impossible" would make it so. For all of us suffering on here, we are truly still in the dark ages for most of these hearing issues.

The sound exposure and noise isolation line is razor thin and so hard to manage. It's a real catch-22 because I realize I need gradual sound exposure to desensitize my auditory system but it's always sounds that cause the spikes/permanent increases and it's taking less and less to aggravate things. I feel beyond stuck, and I am fighting for my life in need of a miracle to turn this around.

 

[Jerad]

This ... and only this. No words are necessary; no explanation; no descriptive text to capture the pain and horror.

 

[Sammy0225]

This ... and only this. No words are necessary; no explanation; no descriptive text to capture the pain and horror.

View attachment 52292

At one point I experienced something called Exploding Head Syndrome. This picture reminds me of how it felt.

 

[Jerad]

I don't know why the medical community and people in general can't fathom how deadly tinnitus can be. Hollywood can. They made an X-Files episode (season 6, episode 2) where a man, played by Bryan Cranston, and a woman were both tortured by a piercing, tinnitus-like sound that had paranormal ties. It was so agonizing for them that it overtook their lives 100% and resulted in death. When you see the episode, you realize just how bad that situation would be. It's conveyed effectively. I saw it back when I only had mild tinnitus and even I thought, "Dag, that would be torture." But for some reason, that feat of imagination only has power on paper or television, and not in the real world. Docs and the world at large refuse to accept tinnitus as a serious disorder usually. Tinnitus comes in all shapes and sizes, just like any other medical condition. Example: someone can have mild back pain or crippling back pain that requires surgery.

 

[tpj]

Sometimes... all we can do is laugh, I suppose. This world's a tragicomedy and I use humor to cope at times. After all, what would we do without it? We'd just cry—cry unto death with that long agony; that curse of despair and longing; longing for something more... redemption. We'd cry onto the ages and the seasons, shaming them, like a long winter's night that's dead, having no warmth or light to offer.

I thought I would bring the topic back here. You are so right @Jerad. We do need that humour to cope. There are some incredibly witty and funny people on this forum who make me smile and laugh, when they too are suffering. Love them to bits.

 

[Playdohh]

I'm having trouble staying motivated to keep pushing on.

The constant pain and aural fullness from the hyperacusis, add in the tinnitus as a cherry on top and it is driving me crazy. It has been just over 8 weeks and I feel like I am not making any real progress.

My employer has been understanding, but if I can't resume normal work by January then I will lose my job (consulting - in meetings talking all day every day, which hyperacusis prevents me from doing now). I'm 33 years old and this is my second career; my first was in trades/construction but I had a wrist injury that ended that career, so I went back to school for engineering and started over. Now it looks like I may be losing this career as well.

I don't have any family I talk to other than one adoptive parent; I only see them once every couple of years. No children. Divorced/single. There would be trauma to friends and the people I do talk to, but it's very hard to not just throw in the towel. I can't imagine trying to live a life in constant pain, sheltering from sound, and isolating myself forever.

Probably half my waking hours every day revolve around figuring out what loose ends I would need to close up; such as writing a will, how I could minimize trauma for people, what lasting gestures I could do for people that were special to me in my life, and how I would throw in the towel.

This hyperacusis/tinnitus is the worst thing I ever dealt with in my life.

 

[dan]

I'm having trouble staying motivated to keep pushing on.

The constant pain and aural fullness from the hyperacusis, add in the tinnitus as a cherry on top and it is driving me crazy. It has been just over 8 weeks and I feel like I am not making any real progress.

My employer has been understanding, but if I can't resume normal work by January then I will lose my job (consulting - in meetings talking all day every day, which hyperacusis prevents me from doing now). I'm 33 years old and this is my second career; my first was in trades/construction but I had a wrist injury that ended that career, so I went back to school for engineering and started over. Now it looks like I may be losing this career as well.

I don't have any family I talk to other than one adoptive parent; I only see them once every couple of years. No children. Divorced/single. There would be trauma to friends and the people I do talk to, but it's very hard to not just throw in the towel. I can't imagine trying to live a life in constant pain, sheltering from sound, and isolating myself forever.

Probably half my waking hours every day revolve around figuring out what loose ends I would need to close up; such as writing a will, how I could minimize trauma for people, what lasting gestures I could do for people that were special to me in my life, and how I would throw in the towel.

This hyperacusis/tinnitus is the worst thing I ever dealt with in my life.

Relax dude. You have some mild-moderate hyperacusis and mild tinnitus with some mild fullness. It's been only 8 week... You are waaaay in the wrong thread my friend. Needless to say, Don't Do It!

 

[Jerad]

Relax dude. You have some mild-moderate hyperacusis and mild tinnitus with some mild fullness. It's been only 8 week... You are waaaay in the wrong thread my friend. Needless to say, Don't Do It!

That's the problem with these conditions. Even when they're mild or moderate, they're wildly intrusive to a newcomer. That person goes from a peaceful coexistence with sound to constant, daily battles. Mild or moderate hyperacusis, for example, can cause voices to hurt and normal, everyday noises. So its defiance of such sacred, cherished qualities in life sends your world reeling and shapes it into chaos. It's only later, when it gets severe or catastrophic, where almost every single noise causes pain, literally, that you look back and say, "Man, it'd be heaven to go back to mild or moderate." Because mild or moderate may equal 50% quality-of-life, where you can still do stuff with protection, but severe or catastrophic equals like 2%, where even protection ain't good enough, so you're locked in a dungeon and isolated from society.

But I think @Playdohh should find it comforting that it's likely he'll improve a lot with time if he's mild or moderate, and if this is his first bout of these problems.

 

[Jerad]

In a nutshell, this is what catastrophic tinnitus and noxacusis are like—"Phantasm." People often say that these issues are like a horror movie, and right they are.

This is the face of these conditions, calling out to those who suffer with great authority, "It's time for a beatin, boy!"

These are the things they do, intruding on everyday life.

The ball represents sound itself coming for you.

Watch what it does to the sufferer's ear.

 

[ECP]

I'm having trouble staying motivated to keep pushing on.

The constant pain and aural fullness from the hyperacusis, add in the tinnitus as a cherry on top and it is driving me crazy. It has been just over 8 weeks and I feel like I am not making any real progress.

My employer has been understanding, but if I can't resume normal work by January then I will lose my job (consulting - in meetings talking all day every day, which hyperacusis prevents me from doing now). I'm 33 years old and this is my second career; my first was in trades/construction but I had a wrist injury that ended that career, so I went back to school for engineering and started over. Now it looks like I may be losing this career as well.

I don't have any family I talk to other than one adoptive parent; I only see them once every couple of years. No children. Divorced/single. There would be trauma to friends and the people I do talk to, but it's very hard to not just throw in the towel. I can't imagine trying to live a life in constant pain, sheltering from sound, and isolating myself forever.

Probably half my waking hours every day revolve around figuring out what loose ends I would need to close up; such as writing a will, how I could minimize trauma for people, what lasting gestures I could do for people that were special to me in my life, and how I would throw in the towel.

This hyperacusis/tinnitus is the worst thing I ever dealt with in my life.

If it's any consolation, I experienced a slight improvement to my symptoms about 12 weeks after they started. You are at week 8, so maybe--just maybe-- you too will experience some improvement if you continue to hang in there. If you're lucky, it might even come sooner for you. I really want that for you so you can fly back home to Canada.

I used to feel envy and despair when I saw people on this board saying that their aural fullness went away in 4 to 6 weeks. It made me feel like my aural fullness was an especially difficult case or that I was some kind of failure because I hadn't been able to make it go away in that neat little time frame. Since then, I've come to realize that the path to recovery is neither linear nor predictable, even though I wish it were.

I'm the kind of person who's very good at following instructions. I'm also the kind of person who likes to look at maps. I also like to bask in the wisdom of trustworthy experts. Sad to say, there are no universally reliable instructions or maps or experts where tinnitus and hyperacusis are concerned, and that scares the crap out of me. I feel like a living, breathing science experiment, but also the experimenter who doesn't know what she's doing. I'm angry because I didn't sign up for that.

Like many of you here, I sometimes think about killing myself, but I have to hold on to the hope that the tiny improvements I've had will eventually snowball into bigger improvements if I continue to carry on. It's like a carrot-and-stick approach where I keep moving forward, hoping that as long as I don't stop, I can eventually get to the carrot. I don't even know if the carrot is attainable, but for now I'm willing to keep going.

 

[Chandler]

I'm 27 years old. I'm so tired of taking benzos. This sound is finishing me off.

 

[dan]

I shouldn't really be here, since I'm not suicidal anymore, but I want to give my two cents on the recently discussed topic.

Hey bro, has your tinnitus improved?

How do you handle Russia if you live in a city? It's pretty darn noisy. Also, how do you handle the metal entrance door (that clangs and buzzes people in loudly) in your apartment building., etc.?