Suicidal

[Jerad]

@Jupiterman, just something to consider, man. This shows us what would happen; the glory and prestige. No pressure, though. But think about it—that's all I ask. This could be the answer we're all looking for—a legit cure!

Once again, I call on you to work your gassy magic. Throw yourself upon us and meet us sky-to-sky. Do you dare, Jupiter?

Do you got what it takes, my man? Are you chicken?

Greet us with your land of fumes—your hydrogen and helium—and take us to our tombs.

 

[AnthonyMcDonald]

Hey bro, has your tinnitus improved?

How do you handle Russia if you live in a city? It's pretty darn noisy. Also, how do you handle the metal entrance door (that clangs and buzzes people in loudly) in your apartment building., etc.?

I moved away from Russia. I currently live in a quiet part of California.

My tinnitus loudness has not improved unfortunately, but I guess the quality has improved a lot (from ~15 tones to 2-3) and stability more or less (it was much better before but I've had a few setbacks due to carelessness). My hyperacusis improved massively too.

 

[Blackbird1016]

I'm having trouble staying motivated to keep pushing on.

The constant pain and aural fullness from the hyperacusis, add in the tinnitus as a cherry on top and it is driving me crazy. It has been just over 8 weeks and I feel like I am not making any real progress.

My employer has been understanding, but if I can't resume normal work by January then I will lose my job (consulting - in meetings talking all day every day, which hyperacusis prevents me from doing now). I'm 33 years old and this is my second career; my first was in trades/construction but I had a wrist injury that ended that career, so I went back to school for engineering and started over. Now it looks like I may be losing this career as well.

I don't have any family I talk to other than one adoptive parent; I only see them once every couple of years. No children. Divorced/single. There would be trauma to friends and the people I do talk to, but it's very hard to not just throw in the towel. I can't imagine trying to live a life in constant pain, sheltering from sound, and isolating myself forever.

Probably half my waking hours every day revolve around figuring out what loose ends I would need to close up; such as writing a will, how I could minimize trauma for people, what lasting gestures I could do for people that were special to me in my life, and how I would throw in the towel.

This hyperacusis/tinnitus is the worst thing I ever dealt with in my life.

I completely get how your feeling. It isn't worth losing your job over though. I was severely suicidal the first 2.5 months. I barely ate or left my bed. But it's really not worth it. I have things left I want to do that I can do so I'm still here.

In some cases it can take 2 years to resolve. It's way too early to give up.

 

[Ben Winders]

I think I have a perforated ear drum aka ruptured ear drum?

I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. I don't think a general physician can do anything but use a scope to look in the ear and confirm yes or no?

My left ear is in a lot of pain. Does anyone here care how it happened?

I don't feel like typing more cuz of the pain.

I was hoping someone here (lots of people must have that happen to them?) knows what happens next?

It's supposed to heal on its own but takes a long time to heal, right? Over a week - weeks?

I also have a spike and my tinnitus is still awful. :-(

I appreciate any replies.

Take care and be careful around noise and what you do with your earplugs - other people don't care that you need them or when you wear them.

Get a USB camera to look inside your ear. 10 bucks on Amazon.

 

[Playdohh]

I completely get how your feeling. It isn't worth losing your job over though.

It's not that I want to lose my job, it's that I can't physically do it. To do my job, I am in meetings 6+ hours a day. Right now my tolerance seems to be around 40 to 45 decibels before my ears get irritated. My own voice starts irritating them. So unless this improves fast, there's no way I can continue my job.

I appreciate the support that things will get better though. Thanks.

That's the problem with these conditions. Even when they're mild or moderate, they're wildly intrusive to a newcomer. That person goes from a peaceful coexistence with sound to constant, daily battles. Mild or moderate hyperacusis, for example, can cause voices to hurt and normal, everyday noises.

I commend the people that have the strength to push through this, whether it's mild, moderate, or severe. As you said, it's very intrusive. It turns your life upside down.

If it's any consolation, I experienced a slight improvement to my symptoms about 12 weeks after they started. You are at week 8, so maybe--just maybe-- you too will experience some improvement if you continue to hang in there. If you're lucky, it might even come sooner for you. I really want that for you so you can fly back home to Canada.

I used to feel envy and despair when I saw people on this board saying that their aural fullness went away in 4 to 6 weeks. It made me feel like my aural fullness was an especially difficult case or that I was some kind of failure because I hadn't been able to make it go away in that neat little time frame. Since then, I've come to realize that the path to recovery is neither linear nor predictable, even though I wish it were.

I'm the kind of person who's very good at following instructions. I'm also the kind of person who likes to look at maps. I also like to bask in the wisdom of trustworthy experts. Sad to say, there are no universally reliable instructions or maps or experts where tinnitus and hyperacusis are concerned, and that scares the crap out of me. I feel like a living, breathing science experiment, but also the experimenter who doesn't know what she's doing. I'm angry because I didn't sign up for that.

Like many of you here, I sometimes think about killing myself, but I have to hold on to the hope that the tiny improvements I've had will eventually snowball into bigger improvements if I continue to carry on. It's like a carrot-and-stick approach where I keep moving forward, hoping that as long as I don't stop, I can eventually get to the carrot. I don't even know if the carrot is attainable, but for now I'm willing to keep going.

Thank you for the positivity. I agree with you, it is very unsettling how little any of the experts really know about this. I hope that you can continually see incremental improvements and grab that carrot at the end of the stick. I admire your perseverance.

 

[dan]

I moved away from Russia. I currently live in a quiet part of California.

Wait, what??? Your hyperacusis/tinnitus can handle a long distance flight now? What plane(s) did you fly, did you measure the cabin dB levels?

Congrats on your move and improvement!

 

[Damocles]

I don't know why the medical community and people in general can't fathom how deadly tinnitus can be.

I don't understand it either. The word most "normal" people apply to the invasion of themselves and their personal space, by sound, is "annoying".

Normal person: "A car alarm was going off outside my bedroom window all night; it was so annoying".

So "normal person" seems to apply their limited experience of assault by noise to their limited imagining of eternal assault by noise, and what you get is: "tinnitus must be (very) annoying"

Of course, make that one night car alarm an every night car alarm and they end up looking something like this. ▼

Maybe those few who have experienced such a thing think they can relate to us (they can certainly relate better than "normal person"; with his/her infinite knowledge of all things they have had no first-hand experience of). But an alarm, a construction site, a flight path; these all have solutions. Fight or flight. Petition or move (temporarily or permanently).

And people have short memories; "semi-normal person", undamaged and unchanged, quickly goes back to being "fully normal person", who unfortunately lacks the imagination to eject these get-outs from a hypothetical scenario and conceptualise the result.

A car alarm that followed you everywhere you go, all the time? I guess that would be very "annoying", is where they'll come back to.

But I'm not concerned with "normal person" who believes that we believe it. I long since gave up on them. He/she will believe it when they're getting eaten by the Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots themselves. So all in good time.

No. I'm more confused by our fellow sufferers who still think this phenomenon is non-lethal.

To get a "free-sample" and still think it's not the party-starter the VIP customers in the reviews section have made it out to be (when you decide to buy the whole product)? I guess a mere glimpse of the Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots just isn't enough for these guys. Stick them with "normal person".

A couple of intelligent members on this site figured out Severe and Mild/Moderate tinnitus should be viewed as completely separate conditions a while ago anyway.

Credit to @Gabriel5050 for this ▼ awesome analogy.

I'm not sure I'm willing to call the type of tinnitus you can only hear in complete silence tinnitus. With the way moderate and severe tinnitus impact life, it's like calling both a small cut on the finger and a chopped off arm "a cut" because it's the same core idea.

But even then, I sometimes see people who post in this thread (the severest of severe sufferers), perpetuating this myth that tinnitus only "kills" by suicide. Don't take that personally if you reading have ever done this. Because f*ck! I'm guilty of it myself. ▼

Let them know that the only difference between us and those with terminal cancer, is that we don't get the luxury of being spared having to do the job of ending our lives ourselves when it becomes unbearable.

The fact I ever said that has niggled at me since, but I sacrificed breaking convention that day to make way for the wider point I wanted to focus on. That is to say, I might be an edgelord, but I'm not so much of an edgelord I'm going to challenge two pre-established narratives in one post.

Here's the thing, tinnitus can take the job of ending your life off of you.

I'm testament to that fact. That's all I'm going to say. I can't write about it, because I find it too traumatic. But I touched on it once in the past here. No story short: this thing almost killed me on its own, no suicide in attendance.

To add to that, on another tinnitus forum I used to frequent (well over ten years ago) that no longer exists today, I'll never forget reading of a guy a decade ahead of me, who had developed heart problems as a result of the endless adrenaline rush tinnitus had treated him to. The adrenaline (read anxiety) was literally destroying his internal organs. Of course if that man is no longer with us (a perfectly reasonable assumption) his death certificate does not say "tinnitus"; it says "heart attack".

That's just one outcome out of the myriad of outcomes, this prize wins you. Use your imagination; you're already living the unimaginable.

On the bright-side, things are looking up. Perhaps in "5-10 years" we'll emerge from this struggle victorious, with "normal person" and "non-tinnitus-suffering-tinnitus-sufferer" never knowing about the monster we faced down and obliterated.

 

[AnthonyMcDonald]

Wait, what??? Your hyperacusis/tinnitus can handle a long distance flight now? What plane(s) did you fly, did you measure the cabin dB levels?

Congrats on your move and improvement!

I wouldn't say I can handle it. I was on benzos the entire time so I avoided spiking. The cabin was probably around 80-85 dB. I was wearing earmuffs.

 

[dan]

I wouldn't say I can handle it. I was on benzos the entire time so I avoided spiking. The cabin was probably around 80-85 dB. I was wearing earmuffs.

I didn't know benzos prevented noise-induced tinnitus spikes. It must have been a very long trip.

So how long are you staying in Cali?

 

[Jerad]

A meme I made...

Life is odd: how it preps and chooses what will happen; who will die or suffer; who will live in endless shame or break because of torment; and who will live in La La Land and seize orgasmic joy. Life's a cruel joke — a tragic comedy — as it shows no favor to the helpless... only to their madness. Am I right?

Do you realize, there's only a 1 in 50,000 chance of getting hyperacusis or noxacusis? That's 20 people for every million. And of those 20, only a few will be severe or catastrophic. It begs the question: if it's so rare — exceedingly rare — then why should anyone get it? According to the National Weather Service, a person stands a higher chance of getting struck by lightning — 1 in 15,000 (much higher, in fact). Bizarre... this world; how I conjured-up insanity in the unlikeliest of ways.

 

[AnthonyMcDonald]

I didn't know benzos prevented noise-induced tinnitus spikes. It must have been a very long trip.

So how long are you staying in Cali?

They do prevent them for me. Staying indefinitely.

 

[dan]

They do prevent them for me. Staying indefinitely.

Oh so you're a US citizen... lucky you

 

[seppl]

Never thought I would write in this thread. I have had a 4 kHz morse code in my left ear and a 1.5 kHz whistle in my right ear since 2014.

My girlfriend made an appointment with a chiropractic. 6 days after the chiropractic adjusting my neck (crack sounds), I woke up with 100 Hz low-frequency drone sound in my right ear.

I think the reason was the neck adjusting...

The sound stops when I am lying on my belly or look down. It's louder when I am lying on my back or look up. When I look straight, it stops, comes back, and stops.

I am on Prednisone now.

If this low-frequency drone sound is not going away, I am ending myself next year. This drone sound is so awful.

 

[Jerad]

Never thought I would write in this thread. I have had a 4 kHz morse code in my left ear and a 1.5 kHz whistle in my right ear since 2014.

My girlfriend made an appointment with a chiropractic. 6 days after the chiropractic adjusting my neck (crack sounds), I woke up with 100 Hz low-frequency drone sound in my right ear.

I think the reason was the neck adjusting...

The sound stops when I am lying on my belly or look down. It's louder when I am lying on my back or look up. When I look straight, it stops, comes back, and stops.

I am on Prednisone now.

If this low-frequency drone sound is not going away, I am ending myself next year. This drone sound is so awful.

I hope you'll be able to habituate to it or accept it in time if it stays, even though that might sound far fetched. I also have a low drone around that frequency and it blares. I thought I would never accept it because it was so intrusive. I did, though, within 5 months. So it's a non-issue for me now, miraculously. I'm actually habituated to that tone. I know everyone's situation can be different, though. I don't speak for everyone.

However, I also have a reactive tone that's electrical in feeling. It moves from ear to ear and sounds like a stick of dynamite fizzing erratically, with zapping, too. The frequency is so high that it causes physical pain, literally, as if it's really an electrical current inside me, and it's not maskable either. I feel pain from it almost every minute. It's a great betrayal from my body — to thrust this chaos onto me. I haven't accepted it and it's been a year since it started. I used to think that the drone was the embodiment of tinnitus from hell. No, for me, it's this new one, hands down. I also have catastrophic noxacusis, too, which I can't accept.

But I hope you can get to a place where you're okay. When these conditions make you incompatible with the world, that's when your life has truly lost contention, in my opinion; when you can no longer be around people, engage in most hobbies, work, or even do the most basic of tasks. That's where I am now because of some small, seemingly harmless events that were out of my control. Just be careful, as it can get to that place; it can get a whole lot worse. The flames of hell can come to you, even in the night, when you least expect them. It doesn't take that much. But if you're careful, you should be okay. I'm a rare exception.

 

[Jazzer]

I have had 30 years of tinnitus.

From 1992 until 2014 it was considerable but I would say moderate.

In 2014 I suffered an attack by another musician who blasted off in my face. The following morning I awoke in hell. I vocal matched my internal noise to a decibel metre at 56-60 dB.

I wanted to die. I asked my adorable wife to take me to Switzerland for euthanasia. She refused.

"Dave - you have to be bigger than this thing. You can do it - I know you can do it."

I'll cut a long story short.

I was a professional jazz trombonist, first call in five bands. Aged 75 I decided to cut short my career to avoid further damage.

My wife studied clinical hypnotherapy at King's College Hospital in London, and qualified.

Sometime later she gave me a hypnotherapy session which she recorded onto my iPhone.

She suggested that my sounds would become much less intrusive, would fade into the background, and eventually would hardly ever bother me.

My precious Sylvie passed away in November 2020. I still play her recording at times when I am falling asleep.

Hypnotherapy cannot stop your tinnitus - but it can quite literally divert your attention away from it so that you are hardly ever aware of it.

Why not give it a try.

Don't immediately look for results - just allow them to happen over time.

Dave xx
Jazzer

 

[dan]

I think I have a perforated ear drum aka ruptured ear drum?

I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. I don't think a general physician can do anything but use a scope to look in the ear and confirm yes or no?

My left ear is in a lot of pain. Does anyone here care how it happened?

I don't feel like typing more cuz of the pain.

I was hoping someone here (lots of people must have that happen to them?) knows what happens next?

It's supposed to heal on its own but takes a long time to heal, right? Over a week - weeks?

I also have a spike and my tinnitus is still awful. :-(

I appreciate any replies.

Take care and be careful around noise and what you do with your earplugs - other people don't care that you need them or when you wear them.

What happened bro? You need a gunshot noise to perforate an eardrum.

 

[bobvann]

I have had 30 years of tinnitus.

From 1992 until 2014 it was considerable but I would say moderate.

In 2014 I suffered an attack by another musician who blasted off in my face. The following morning I awoke in hell. I vocal matched my internal noise to a decibel metre at 56-60 dB.

I wanted to die. I asked my adorable wife to take me to Switzerland for euthanasia. She refused.

"Dave - you have to be bigger than this thing. You can do it - I know you can do it."

I'll cut a long story short.

I was a professional jazz trombonist, first call in five bands. Aged 75 I decided to cut short my career to avoid further damage.

My wife studied clinical hypnotherapy at King's College Hospital in London, and qualified.

Sometime later she gave me a hypnotherapy session which she recorded onto my iPhone.

She suggested that my sounds would become much less intrusive, would fade into the background, and eventually would hardly ever bother me.

My precious Sylvie passed away in November 2020. I still play her recording at times when I am falling asleep.

Hypnotherapy cannot stop your tinnitus - but it can quite literally divert your attention away from it so that you are hardly ever aware of it.

Why not give it a try.

Don't immediately look for results - just allow them to happen over time.

Dave xx
Jazzer

Hope all is well

It's not so much the sound as the intrusiveness.

 

[Jazzer]

It's not so much the sound as the intrusiveness.

I understand Bob - but it is possible to reach a situation where you rarely notice it. Don't get me wrong. Go looking for it and you will find it, but as we know, we can never again achieve silence, so if we can cultivate an acceptance of stillness, we are able to survive.

 

[Stuart-T]

Never thought I would write in this thread. I have had a 4 kHz morse code in my left ear and a 1.5 kHz whistle in my right ear since 2014.

My girlfriend made an appointment with a chiropractic. 6 days after the chiropractic adjusting my neck (crack sounds), I woke up with 100 Hz low-frequency drone sound in my right ear.

I think the reason was the neck adjusting...

The sound stops when I am lying on my belly or look down. It's louder when I am lying on my back or look up. When I look straight, it stops, comes back, and stops.

I am on Prednisone now.

If this low-frequency drone sound is not going away, I am ending myself next year. This drone sound is so awful.

Don't go near any more chiropractors. Yes, sounds like the neck adjustment has upset something and causing pressure in the inner ear depending on your position.

 

[Jerad]

It's that time of day...
What can I say
What am I feelin'
Staring at this ceilin'
Tinnitus blarin'
Dunno how I'm farin'
Looking at my jammies
That I bought from "Sammies"
Online store
The year before
All this hell broke loose
But what's the use?
This sux
And fux
My mind galore
Where it's bloodied, battered, and sore
Though I gotta get better
And go eat some cheddar
For my midnight snack
That's on the rack
Out back
In my outhouse that has my food
Hey, it's not so crude
As it sounds
I also feed it to my bloodhounds
Every day at half past noon
I started doing that last June
And they don't even care about the smell
Even though it can be like hell
With the toilet there and the cheese
Baked together by a winter freeze
When it's cold as Christmas at night
But they're not so fussy — it's alright
It's cheddar with hints of methane
It won't drive the dogs insane
Capiche?
It keeps them on their leash
And obedient
They just want that food and rent
They're just doggy-dogs that do not care
Don't patronize or ask what's fair
Cuz if they did, they'd be too human
Be too harsh and I'd be fumin'
So they cut the cheese and eat it proud
With wild barks that sound so loud
And I scurry off to find my muffs
As noxacusis keeps me in cuffs
But they don't know any better
Food's their life — their banner or header
But I'm the lonely soul
With cheddar and dogs to keep me whole
Or try to, at least
Man... this life's a beast

 

[GregCA]

Don't go near any more chiropractors. Yes, sounds like the neck adjustment has upset something and causing pressure in the inner ear depending on your position.

This guy isn't happy with chiropractors:

 

[AnthonyMcDonald]

Never thought I would write in this thread. I have had a 4 kHz morse code in my left ear and a 1.5 kHz whistle in my right ear since 2014.

My girlfriend made an appointment with a chiropractic. 6 days after the chiropractic adjusting my neck (crack sounds), I woke up with 100 Hz low-frequency drone sound in my right ear.

I think the reason was the neck adjusting...

The sound stops when I am lying on my belly or look down. It's louder when I am lying on my back or look up. When I look straight, it stops, comes back, and stops.

I am on Prednisone now.

If this low-frequency drone sound is not going away, I am ending myself next year. This drone sound is so awful.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

[seppl]

I am low-drone tinnitus free since 11 hours now. I am drinking a lot of water, taking Magnesium and Prednisone. Eating only in the morning. Hope I will heal.

Guys, wish me luck!

 

[Damocles]

in the last 10 years I have had a series of personal setbacks and tragedies to deal with.

Divorce, career and health issues are not unfamiliar to me with the tumor and hearing loss to drive the final nail in the coffin. Throughout that time, there has been one thing that remained constant, the companionship and unconditional love from my pug, Butch. He brought me joy during some of my darkest times and never failed to be by my side. Alas, this morning I laid him to rest, as the cancer that was discovered a couple of months ago took hold. It was excruciating for me to see him in so much pain, so part of me is happy that he is no longer suffering.

You've been through the mill my friend, but you've made it look easy.

We all have.

All of us, bonded by this silent noise, truly are God's chosen. (Whatever God is to each individual).

Chosen to suffer, and chosen to survive that suffering.

The hell we're being forged for?

I don't know.

But should we ever have our health back, we'll be the most resilient our species have ever produced.

 

[Travis Henry]

Fuck, I am barely making it. Never ever let anyone push you to take benzos on a daily basis. Don't take them at all if possible. I had a livable level and sound tolerance before benzos. If I die, please make sure it's widely known that it was completely because of reactive tinnitus and hyperacusis. The lack of awareness and proper protocol in place by audiologists is a fucking killer. I went to Dallas Ear Institute about having tinnitus in the first place and they prescribed Amitriptyline and Valium, fucking poisoned me from the start. Parents not believing me when I got hyperacusis really bad and wanted to stay home and in quiet. They pushed me to more drugs and hospital and threw me in the psych ward. So fucked up. No one takes tinnitus seriously. All I needed was rest and to learn to deal with the intrusive tinnitus I had in January and protect my hearing, but I got told not to over protect when I should have been wearing protection when not in a controlled sound environment. Dogs barking and going anywhere loud can't fuck you up when you have tinnitus. FML. I can't even think straight anymore.

I love you all! Keep up the good fight. I will do my best to push on, but I am in the 9th circle of hell.

 

[AnthonyMcDonald]

I got told not to over protect when I should have been wearing protection

I f*cking hate this bullshit Jastrebitch myth.

 

[Jerad]

 

[Guywithapug]

You've been through the mill my friend, but you've made it look easy.

We all have.

All of us, bonded by this silent noise, truly are God's chosen. (Whatever God is to each individual).

Chosen to suffer, and chosen to survive that suffering.

The hell we're being forged for?

View attachment 52387

I don't know.

But should we ever have our health back, we'll be the most resilient our species have ever produced.

I had to do a double take because I know I didn't post in the suicidal thread...

I think that the toughest are chosen to suffer, as we are the only ones able to endure physical and mental agony. Either that or this is all just a simulation run by an advanced civilization, getting their kicks by afflicting pain and suffering to whatever we are in their game.

Either way, I think we're forged for greatness. We're not simply cast from a mold but rather molded from our experiences, good and bad. So I raise my glass to you my friend and say, tonight we dream, tomorrow we conquer!

 

[Stacken77]

But should we ever have our health back, we'll be the most resilient our species have ever produced.

I do sometimes entertain the thought that we may regain our health again. In my view, it shouldn't be outside the realm of possibility, as we once lived a life that wasn't plagued by these ear problems, and that healthy "circuitry" should not be impossible to reestablish.

What if we, within our lifetime regain our peace and freedom? - What would that leave us? Some of us would carry an experience, having gone from (what can only be considered) "death" to life, from hell to paradise, from a torture prison to boundless freedom. How would that impact our view on life and death?

I can only agree that we would be one of the most resilient, having endured such unimaginable pain for so long.

 

[Guywithapug]

I do sometimes entertain the thought that we may regain our health again.

I don't entertain the thought, I obsess over it. An all-consuming infatuation in fact.