Suicidal

[KaiT81]

Hello everyone,

I haven't logged in here for a long time, but reading through all these messages has brought back so many memories—the darkness, the helplessness, the pain, the misery, and the constant "why me?"

I've had tinnitus for 21 years, since I was 17. For those of you who are relatively new to experiencing tinnitus (within the first two years), the first habituation process takes the longest—at least that was my experience. It completely turned my life upside down. I couldn't go anywhere with noise, which, as you all know, is pretty much everywhere once you have tinnitus.

But here's the positive news: I'm still here. Despite having tinnitus, I have:

• Traveled to multiple countries
• Completed two degrees
• Bought a house
• Had a daughter

When I first got tinnitus, I never imagined any of these things would be possible. In fact, at the time, I thought the most likely option was that I wouldn't make it through.

The point I'm trying to make is that I truly understand your pain, but life can still go on. Tinnitus will always be a part of my identity, and I always carry earplugs in my pocket. But believe it or not, after all these years, there are things that stress me out more than tinnitus at this stage of my life. Sometimes, I lie in bed listening to it and wonder, "Will this ever stop? What does silence even sound like?"

But for the most part, after years of on-and-off misery, I'm alright. I hope you all will be too.

This is a really encouraging and hopeful post for all tinnitus sufferers here. Thank you so much, @Simon101! When you mentioned that the first habituation process takes the longest, how long did it take in your experience? Did you experience any setbacks where you had to habituate again, but found it went faster the second time? Also, how long did it take before you felt you weren't fully habituated yet, but were able to start relaxing, enjoying life a bit more, and focusing on other, more pleasant things?

Tinnitus feels like an ethereal blade wedged between my ears, and I am ashamed that this isn't something I can just live with.

I often feel pretty much the same way, especially on bad days, which have become less frequent recently, but which still happen, even after half a year with tinnitus.

I would trade an arm to make this go away in a heartbeat.

I said exactly the same thing to my wife, my parents, my siblings, and simply everyone when I first started suffering from tinnitus. And on bad days, I would still make this deal today if it were possible.

I have a beautiful life—a great job, a wonderful wife, and two baby girls.

It's exactly the same for me, except that I have two wonderful sons. I was able to really enjoy my life before tinnitus, even though I had considerable health difficulties even then, but I coped well with them.

Can anyone give me a reason to be hopeful? I have a beautiful life—a great job, a wonderful wife, and two baby girls. I have no right to feel this way when others are dealing with so much more. My hyperacusis has calmed, and with ear protection, I can even help with our newborn, who is another reflux baby. But despite all of this, I am overwhelmed by anxiety from the moment I wake up until late afternoon, and I often feel that suicide is the only way out of this hell.

The anxiety is insurmountable. I was under significant stress before this started, but it's nothing compared to what I'm experiencing now. Tinnitus feels like an ethereal blade wedged between my ears, and I am ashamed that this isn't something I can just live with. I would trade an arm to make this go away in a heartbeat. No one can see how much it is defeating me internally.

I find myself wishing I could fast forward my life to know my baby girls and wife would be happy without me. I've seriously considered taking out a life insurance policy, waiting two years, and then ending it so that at least they'd be financially taken care of. I've called 988 numbers, but they can't help me. I don't need a hospital—nothing would happen except traumatizing my wife.

I feel like a drain on my family's resources, both emotional and financial. I go from being okay to being a complete mess. The shame and guilt of not being my old self for my family haunts me. The thought that I could even consider such a selfish end weighs heavily on me. It's been nearly a year. I have good moments, but the darker ones are becoming deeper and more frequent.

The only thing I can say is: don't lose hope. Some people lose their tinnitus suddenly, even after years. And if that doesn't happen, the best thing you can do is hope for habituation and actively work towards it.

As many people share here on the forum, including in success stories, it often takes one to two years (and sometimes longer) to fully habituate to tinnitus.

 

[2049v]

I am not going to kill myself tonight but I am crying and I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

 

[kingsfan]

I am not going to kill myself tonight but I am crying and I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

I wish I had the guts. My existence is such a waste.

 

[PeteJ]

I strongly encourage anyone to try this before writing themselves off. Like many of you, I've looked into it, and the surgery itself seems not only low-risk but also entirely reversible if more effective procedures come along in the future.

I understand the challenging part is gathering the funds to travel to the U.S./Florida and stay in town long enough for the procedure. However, it's a hail mary with at least some evidence of results behind it, rather than just snake oil.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I haven't been here for a while. Is there any update on treatments?

I got really discouraged after a while and stopped reading the Research News section—mostly because I felt depressed, thinking nothing would ever arrive in my lifetime.

I hope you're doing well, or at least as well as one can be. The same goes for everyone else here.

Take care.

 

[slc]

I am not going to kill myself tonight but I am crying and I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

Things may improve.

My first year with hyperacusis and tinnitus was absolute hell. I cried a lot and even once sat on the floor, banging my head against the wall. Life was miserable.

Thankfully, the hyperacusis eventually resolved. I still have some sensitivity and avoid power equipment, loud bars, and concerts, but I no longer need hearing protection in most situations—except on planes, where I use noise-canceling headphones with Bluetooth to play soft music.

I've had tinnitus for well over a decade, and now my experience ranges from mild/moderate to severe days, but rarely catastrophic. Many people with tinnitus find that their condition improves over time, whether through an actual reduction in decibel levels, habituation, or coping strategies. Of course, this varies from person to person, but I'm hopeful this will be the case for you.

Sound enrichment, such as using an ocean sound machine or playing wave sounds on your phone, may help a bit. Another option is hearing aids with pink noise, which, for me, take the edge off when tinnitus is severe—I sometimes wear them at night.

I noticed that acoustic trauma has been an issue for you. For me, it took over a year after exposure to a very loud alarm for a tinnitus spike to subside, and even after two years, there is still slow improvement.

Sleep is crucial. During the first few months, I couldn't sleep more than a few hours and was a wreck. I eventually turned to Klonopin. While not an ideal choice, it helped me through some tough times. I only took it at night as it made me drowsy. Other options include hot milk with nutmeg before bed, Valerian, or Melatonin.

Wishing you the best,
Stephan

 

[GlennGd]

Hey everyone,

I developed tinnitus 2.5 months ago, and it has completely derailed my life. I'm struggling intensely with suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I can't work. I have a therapist, but it hasn't helped with my suicidal ideation. The intrusive noise is constant and overwhelming.

I'm only 24 years old, and I got tinnitus after my first-ever concert, even though I was wearing ear protection. I don't know what to do. Before all of this, I had plans and projects, but now I'm crippled by tinnitus and debilitating hyperacusis.

It's been three months, and things haven't improved much. I've never felt this level of despair. I'm seeking professional therapy, but it hasn't been very helpful.

I'm in extreme distress. I've been in a psychiatric ward for two weeks, but it didn't change anything.

I have moderate hyperacusis and noxacusis. I tried to return to work, but it was just too noisy—a two-hour drive followed by noise all day long. I can't handle it.

 

[slc]

Hey everyone,

I developed tinnitus 2.5 months ago, and it has completely derailed my life. I'm struggling intensely with suicidal thoughts. I can't sleep, I can't focus, and I can't work. I have a therapist, but it hasn't helped with my suicidal ideation. The intrusive noise is constant and overwhelming.

I'm only 24 years old, and I got tinnitus after my first-ever concert, even though I was wearing ear protection. I don't know what to do. Before all of this, I had plans and projects, but now I'm crippled by tinnitus and debilitating hyperacusis.

It's been three months, and things haven't improved much. I've never felt this level of despair. I'm seeking professional therapy, but it hasn't been very helpful.

I'm in extreme distress. I've been in a psychiatric ward for two weeks, but it didn't change anything.

I have moderate hyperacusis and noxacusis. I tried to return to work, but it was just too noisy—a two-hour drive followed by noise all day long. I can't handle it.

You are still in the early stages, and there is a good chance your situation will improve. It's incredibly difficult to cope with crippling tinnitus and hyperacusis, but improvement is possible. I've been there myself (see my previous post).

If you can find a soothing sound that doesn't worsen your hyperacusis or noxacusis, like flowing water, which worked for me, it might provide some relief. Reducing stress and anxiety, even just a little, can also be beneficial. Simple activities like watering the garden, playing guitar, getting a massage, walking in the woods, or swimming can help. I found my nervous system was in overdrive, leading to panic attacks, and doing these activities helped, even if only a little.

My condition has improved significantly compared to the first year of dealing with tinnitus and hyperacusis.

Wishing you all the best,
Stephan

 

[grate_biff]

10 years today!

There's not going to be another 10.

 

[Simon101]

This is a really encouraging and hopeful post for all tinnitus sufferers here. Thank you so much, @Simon101! When you mentioned that the first habituation process takes the longest, how long did it take in your experience? Did you experience any setbacks where you had to habituate again, but found it went faster the second time? Also, how long did it take before you felt you weren't fully habituated yet, but were able to start relaxing, enjoying life a bit more, and focusing on other, more pleasant things?

You're welcome.

In my experience, I first habituated to tinnitus around two years after it began. Those two years were incredibly difficult, and my life felt pretty dark. I can't pinpoint exactly what helped with the habituation process, but over time, I just sort of accepted the tinnitus. It was always there, but I learned to live with it.

Since then, I've had approximately 10 setbacks. Thankfully, it only took me about 1–2 weeks to recover from each one, which is much faster than the initial adjustment period. As for enjoying life again and being able to relax, it honestly took me about two years to reach that point. Those first two years were a nightmare. I lost jobs, friends, and became a complete recluse. I just couldn't go out anywhere, and this was during the ages of 17–19. I sometimes think that if I had developed tinnitus later in life, when I was more mature, I might have habituated quicker—but I'll never really know.

My tinnitus is still quite loud, and it's always present. However, 21 years later, I can now sit on the couch and watch a movie, and it honestly doesn't bother me at all. Even when lying in bed, I can fall asleep pretty quickly, even with the noise blaring. I function well day-to-day without any major issues. I always carry earplugs with me and use them when necessary.

The only thing I don't do anymore is go to concerts.

 

[tomytl]

You're welcome.

In my experience, I first habituated to tinnitus around two years after it began. Those two years were incredibly difficult, and my life felt pretty dark. I can't pinpoint exactly what helped with the habituation process, but over time, I just sort of accepted the tinnitus. It was always there, but I learned to live with it.

Since then, I've had approximately 10 setbacks. Thankfully, it only took me about 1–2 weeks to recover from each one, which is much faster than the initial adjustment period. As for enjoying life again and being able to relax, it honestly took me about two years to reach that point. Those first two years were a nightmare. I lost jobs, friends, and became a complete recluse. I just couldn't go out anywhere, and this was during the ages of 17–19. I sometimes think that if I had developed tinnitus later in life, when I was more mature, I might have habituated quicker—but I'll never really know.

My tinnitus is still quite loud, and it's always present. However, 21 years later, I can now sit on the couch and watch a movie, and it honestly doesn't bother me at all. Even when lying in bed, I can fall asleep pretty quickly, even with the noise blaring. I function well day-to-day without any major issues. I always carry earplugs with me and use them when necessary.

The only thing I don't do anymore is go to concerts.

This is really well described and aligns with my own experiences. Twenty-one years ago, I was hit hard, unfortunately with noticeable hearing loss, hyperacusis, and tinnitus. At that time, it was unimaginable to continue living like that. At 28, it felt like my life was over.

It took at least 3 to 5 years for me to get back to living again. That period was truly the worst time of my life. What helped me the most back then was the hope for a future therapy that could restore the hair cells in the inner ear.

Around that time, the first discoveries were made, and 10 years later, the first clinical trials in humans began. Unfortunately, they have not yet resulted in a viable therapy for patients.

Another challenge I faced was the setbacks my overly sensitive, always-protected ears experienced. This happened 10 years after the initial incident, and now it's happening again.

Even though things did "get better," and I was able to lead a fulfilling life afterward, I now find myself in another deep, dark hole. It feels unimaginable that I'll ever be able to live with this again, and the fear that things won't improve is overwhelming.

That's the insidious nature of this condition. I've been suffering daily for the past three months, trying to keep myself from losing my mind.

I write this so matter-of-factly, but in reality, I feel like I'm back in the same place I was 21 and 10 years ago. Of course, it's extremely frustrating that there is still not a single proven, causal therapy available.

So, I continue to hope for future developments, though I'm aware it will likely take a long time before anything reaches the market for widespread use. But hope dies last.

And yes, never go to concerts again, even with the best protection. That's why I'm in this situation again. It's just not worth it.

 

[dan]

I had a breakdown in the car ride home from my office yesterday. My girlfriend was driving and I told her outright that I had been researching assisted suicide and that I didn't think I would be around much longer. She didn't say anything.

You're still working. That's a huge plus.

 

[2049v]

I've never experienced discrimination in my life, but now I'm feeling it to the fullest.

Because of this fucking tinnitus, my life has fallen apart. Since I can't work, I'm on Universal Credit and guess what happens? No one wants to rent a room to you. If I can't find a place within about a month, I'll be homeless. Until now, I never had a problem. I think people have a prejudice against those on UC. I'm only on it because of this fucking tinnitus and a surgery I had. Otherwise, I wouldn't want any help from the government.

Despite never even having a parking ticket in my life, people refuse to rent to me because I'm on UC. I can't believe it. I truly can't believe that I've ended up in this situation. I used to have such a happy and peaceful life, and now it's like my life has been stolen from me. I'm so tired of crying every night, of the constant thoughts of wanting to die. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. What kind of suffering is this?

If I had made a mistake, wronged someone or committed a crime, I could say that karma was punishing me and that I deserved this. But I haven't. Throughout my life, I've always treated people with kindness and respect, been honest and worked hard. My colleagues, my clients—they all liked me. Even now, back in my home country, my family and friends tell me that my absence is felt. I can't bring myself to commit suicide, not yet, but life isn't leaving me with many other options. I don't want to die, but I don't know what else to do.

One morning, I woke up, and my life had been stolen. It feels like I'm paying for all the sins of the world.

 

[PeteJ]

You're still working. That's a huge plus.

Hi Dan (*fellow Canuck) – how are you doing?

My tinnitus is still awful and beyond description; it just feels like an ongoing spike now. I recently had some terrible ear problems with pain, though I'm still not sure what it is. It's a bit better now, though. I think it might be related to TMJ, clenching, or grinding. I'm planning to get a mouthguard and will make payments for that. Life sucks, but I have to take care of my dog.

I also experience pain from wearing earplugs. Am I the only one with this problem? I never see people talking about it in posts. I've had this issue for a while, and I'm just super careful when inserting and removing the plugs. Even ear muffs feel like a vise on my head.

I hope all is well with you. I have a dentist appointment soon, but, as usual, I'm not sure how to handle it.

 

[kingsfan]

I've never experienced discrimination in my life, but now I'm feeling it to the fullest.

Because of this fucking tinnitus, my life has fallen apart. Since I can't work, I'm on Universal Credit and guess what happens? No one wants to rent a room to you. If I can't find a place within about a month, I'll be homeless. Until now, I never had a problem. I think people have a prejudice against those on UC. I'm only on it because of this fucking tinnitus and a surgery I had. Otherwise, I wouldn't want any help from the government.

Despite never even having a parking ticket in my life, people refuse to rent to me because I'm on UC. I can't believe it. I truly can't believe that I've ended up in this situation. I used to have such a happy and peaceful life, and now it's like my life has been stolen from me. I'm so tired of crying every night, of the constant thoughts of wanting to die. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery. What kind of suffering is this?

If I had made a mistake, wronged someone or committed a crime, I could say that karma was punishing me and that I deserved this. But I haven't. Throughout my life, I've always treated people with kindness and respect, been honest and worked hard. My colleagues, my clients—they all liked me. Even now, back in my home country, my family and friends tell me that my absence is felt. I can't bring myself to commit suicide, not yet, but life isn't leaving me with many other options. I don't want to die, but I don't know what else to do.

One morning, I woke up, and my life had been stolen. It feels like I'm paying for all the sins of the world.

Hey I'm also homeless. Trying to figure out how to get accepted for an apartment lease without income as well.

 

[seanab2616]

Hi all,

I don't think I can go on much longer.

My tinnitus started after an ear irrigation, followed by loud noise exposure, and possibly due to benzodiazepine use. I noticed a constant feeling of fullness in my ear immediately after the cleaning, which never went away. About a month later, I began experiencing tinnitus. I was prescribed benzodiazepines because I couldn't sleep with what was then mild tinnitus. I took clonazepam every night, more or less, for seven months.

Now, nearly a year later, things are unbearable. I have ear fullness in both ears, 20 to 30 different tinnitus sounds that are reactive to noise, and hyperacusis. When I say reactive, it feels like my tinnitus blends with everyday sounds, rather than just getting louder. I'm not sure if I have dysacusis as well, but probably. This causes a horrific distortion of every sound—music, white noise, people's voices, my own voice, even swallowing.

I also have autophony, where I hear my own internal sounds more loudly—like blinking, swallowing, joints moving, and even my own saliva.

It just gets worse every day. Yesterday, I had to drive my mom to an appointment where she needed anesthesia. Now, I have a new, louder, and reactive tone that I know won't go away.

As usual, doctors seem clueless. I've been told I should seek therapy to deal with the mental stress, but I don't understand how working on my mental state will help when my mental issues are caused by a physical problem that isn't going away.

I feel like I've reached my limit. This is just ongoing torture, and nothing is stabilizing. I dropped out of school at 22 and moved back home, hoping this would improve or at least stabilize, but it hasn't. It just keeps getting worse, no matter what I do.

I don't think I'll make it to my next birthday in June. I might not even make it to Christmas. It doesn't feel humane to keep living when all I see ahead is more suffering. I don't want to die, but it feels like the only way to stop this inhumane torture.

I'm only 21.5 years old, and this is what my life has come to.