Suicidal

I am sorry to hear about your situation, brother @Pinhead.

I wanted to share something that might help you. There’s a doctor named Silverstein from Sarasota, Florida, a Harvard professor, ENT specialist, and inventor. He actually invented ear tubes and pioneered a procedure called round window surgery, which addresses floating stapes. This surgery is specifically for severe hyperacusis, has an 80% success rate, and is published by the National Institutes of Health.

The testimonials are remarkable—people have been able to reclaim their lives.

I had a free consultation with Dr. Neil Hyak. While Dr. Silverstein may be retired by now, I’m sure he has trained his staff at the clinic to perform the procedure, which is also reversible.

Have you heard of this? You might be the perfect candidate.

Check out the clinic and some of the lectures. If I can be of any help, let me know.

I wish you the best. Take care.

 

I no longer have the energy even to feel sad. I’m lying in bed, writhing helplessly. And that’s not the end of it. My girlfriend wants to break up. The girl I’ve lived with for five years, who even pressured me to marry her, is now tired of me. I would have if she hadn’t wanted to break up, especially since my family lives in another country. I’m the one suffering from this illness. I don’t want to drag others down into my pit.

I’m currently surviving on benefits. I need to find a new place to live and a job, but in this state, I can barely leave the house, let alone work. I don’t have much time because I told my (ex) girlfriend that I’d find a new place and move out.

Every second, I’m writhing in pain because of the ringing and issues with my ears, and now I have new problems to deal with. If I were certain I could end my life, today would be the day. No one with a shred of human dignity should have to go through what I’m experiencing. I’m in so much pain that I’m not even upset about breaking up with my girlfriend of five years. I can’t feel sad or happy about anything. I’m in so much pain that I’ve forgotten my emotions, forgotten how to feel, and forgotten myself.

If I were in my own country with my family, maybe I’d stay a while, but I’d still have these ear problems, and no one can help me forever. I don’t want that anyway. I no longer want to talk to my family, my (ex) girlfriend, or even a friend about anything. I’m tired, exhausted, drained, and done. I wish I had never been born. I want to disappear, to be killed, to die.

I’ve overcome many physical, emotional, and financial hardships up until now, but now I’m ruined. Every morning, I wish I hadn’t woken up. Despite everything, I need to find a job and a place to stay. I don’t have much time. I have hyperacusis, hearing problems, and an unbearable ringing in my ears, but these aren’t considered disabilities. So, despite this awful handicap, I can’t qualify for disability benefits.

I’m living in London. I’ll have to rent a room. I don’t know how I’ll live in a shared house with this illness. I don’t even want to think about it. And work? What kind of job can I do? Can I even work? Or will I end up homeless? I used to have a happy, peaceful life with a job I loved, where my colleagues and customers liked me. Now, I’m someone who can’t work, who’s in constant pain, isolated from people, and who might end up homeless—I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.

If it weren’t for these damn ringing and ear problems, I could start life over from scratch. I was always someone who had confidence in myself. Even if I started as homeless, I’d find a way to make it, but this ear problem has disabled me. I’m in constant pain, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to face life’s challenges, like finding a new place to live, getting a job, etc. I’m in pain, in pain! All I want is to die.

How am I going to work? What job will I do? Where will I live? How will life go on like this? I don’t want to live anyway, but life doesn’t just end when you want it to. Time passes, life goes on. Somehow, I have to take care of myself, but how? I’ve worked in different places and in tough jobs. I’ve cut my hand deeply and burned it in hot oil from a fryer, but I never once thought, “How am I going to work like this?” But now, even getting through a single day has become a burden. Forget working—just surviving one day has become incredibly hard.

I didn’t deserve this torture; none of us did. Yet, I was someone who lived alone in a foreign country with goals and plans. I got to where I am today by myself, but now… All the sacrifices I made, all the effort I put in, all the hard work—it wasn’t to find comfort or to start the business I’d planned, but to be struck with the world’s most painful illness. I really don’t know what life wants from me, and I don’t want to know. If it wants my life, it should take it now so I can be free.

Since the day this shit happened, for three months, there hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t wished for death, and I think this will continue for the rest of my life. Until that day comes, the only thing I want is to live without being dependent on anyone. For the past five years my only prayer was not to have a health problem while living abroad, but thanks to life, I’ve had many health issues here, and this ear problem was the last straw. I’m now afraid to wish for or hope for anything. The only thing that gives me some relief is knowing that one day I will die.

 

This is mostly recommended for loudness hyperacusis, and it is not known to help tinnitus, but perhaps the reactive part could benefit. I agree anything is worth a shot if one faces the question of suicide. As a side note, we recently learned the procedure was pioneered by French ENT Jean Bernard Causse in the 1990s, if not the 1980s, who used it for a noxacusis case in the early 1990s. Silverstein learned it from him and "popularized" it for loudness hyperacusis.

@Pinhead, have you ever looked into TMJ issues? Your tinnitus, incidentally, happened while you were eating something. It is early, but I dare to say I am getting relief from massages of the jaw muscles and dry needling of the tensor veli palatini muscles. I think everyone should look into these issues. I never thought I had issues there, but I do (tight muscles). It is one of those things that can be hidden and asymptomatic, but another injury - hearing loss - made them symptomatic.

I hope I will have a partial success story there, but even if I don't - I think literally everyone with tinnitus should see a TMJ/dry-needling therapist to see if relief can be had via that avenue.

 

I'm actually seeing a muscular therapist next week, and I'll be bringing this up in conversation (if I can hear him over my screaming brain). My loudest tones get louder when eating or after I finish.

 

I strongly encourage anyone to try this before writing themselves off. Like many of you, I’ve looked into it, and the surgery itself seems not only low-risk but also entirely reversible if more effective procedures come along in the future.

I understand the challenging part is gathering the funds to travel to the U.S./Florida and stay in town long enough for the procedure. However, it's a hail mary with at least some evidence of results behind it, rather than just snake oil.

 

Well, bud, if there ever is a jeopardy game for tinnitus sufferers, you just upped my game.

T sucks

 

$$$$$$$$$$.

 

I believe that in the next five years, I will save up some money to either undergo euthanasia or purchase a gun to end my life. However, there is something else I want to happen before that. Soon, I will be undergoing surgery under general anesthesia. This surgery is unrelated to my ear problems. There is a tissue in my body that needs to be removed due to a terribly frustrating illness. After the surgery, the wound site will be left open to heal on its own, which can take months and cause continuous pain, severely limiting my mobility. The dressing changes, among other things, will cause excruciating pain.

My only wish is to die after the anesthetic drugs put me to sleep. I want to leave this world without even realizing that I’ve died. If I don’t pass away during the surgery, I plan to apply for euthanasia within five years. If that is not accepted, I intend to take my own life with the gun I will purchase.

 

Understandable. But also a solid plan. Give yourself time, and it may turn out things turn for the better. If not, ending the suffering will be perfectly understandable.

Tinnitus improved or went away for some people after general anesthesia. Rare, but not unheard of. So there is that as well.

 

This is why I envy people living in the U.S. They have access to guns, so they have the luxury of ending their lives quickly and decisively. But in the UK, we don’t have this privilege. In my home country, obtaining a gun license can be difficult, but I could still obtain one illegally or end my life at a shooting range. However, I wouldn’t do that because it would be selfish to traumatize others in such a way.

I wish euthanasia were available worldwide. Before my ear problems started, I had never considered suicide, but now I realize that the right to die should be a fundamental human right. None of us chose to be born, nor did we choose to suffer in pain, yet we cannot end our lives whenever we wish. It feels like we are owned by our governments, living to keep the state running, and even our bodies belong to the state. Even in the UK, many people who requested euthanasia have been denied by the government.

I really can’t believe it. There was a paralyzed man in constant pain, every moment of his life torture, who requested euthanasia, but the government refused. In other backward third-world countries, euthanasia is entirely taboo. People oppose it on religious grounds, saying it’s a sin, and many are content that euthanasia is not legal. But they don’t realize that one day, they too could find themselves in a situation where they wake up every day wishing for death.

When a very dear family member passed away a few years ago, I felt this way because he spent the last years of their life in pain and hardship. Even though I loved him dearly and missed him terribly after he was gone, I was more relieved than sad because I knew he was no longer suffering. Life is beautiful when filled with memories. But when a person can no longer create memories and is instead forced to endure pain every day, they should be able to choose death, and this decision should be solely theirs, not anyone else’s—not even their family’s.​

If I am not given the right to euthanasia, and if I cannot access a firearm, I don’t want to try methods that could leave me disabled. I also don’t want to traumatize others by jumping from a great height. I want the authorities to help me end my suffering in a proper, legal way since I can no longer live with this illness. All I want is for this pain to end—either through treatment, euthanasia, or suicide. If treatment isn’t possible, which it seems it isn’t under current circumstances, then by death.

For this reason, I will have to save money for a long time just for euthanasia because I’m barely getting by on benefits right now and can’t work. When I finally get to a point where I can work, I will be saving up for my own legal death. It’s really absurd. If someone had told me four months ago that I would be waking up every day wanting to die or that I would be planning to work for years to save up for euthanasia, I would have laughed it off.

Death, or even a disability, can happen to anyone. I always knew that. But to imagine that I would one day suffer from an ear condition that would make me wish I were dead every time I woke up, even in my worst nightmares, would have terrified me. I could imagine having a heart attack, getting cancer, being in a car accident, or dying suddenly—but never in a thousand years did I think I would be afflicted with such a vile, cursed, trolling illness that turns life into a living hell.

I hope I can escape this pain as soon as possible.

 

I often feel that I might sincerely wish for my life to be over if it wasn't for the wife and kids that I would leave behind. However, if I didn't have family, I think I would take up volunteering for the good of the community or launch myself into a proper fitness program, perhaps taking a new or existing sports interest to a more serious level. In this way, I would occupy my time and improve my general well-being. Maybe I'll get started on that fitness program one day, at any rate.

 

I hope you start your fitness program tomorrow—there’s no need to put it off. The rewards are tangible.

I genuinely believe that doing so will increase the chemicals related to happiness and will be an excellent example for your children to see. We must strive to control what is within our power.

Good luck. Your success is a win for all of us, especially for you and your family.

Stay strong, and peace be with you.

Best regards,
Daniel

 

Taking a hard look at my situation lately, it feels impossible to climb out of the hole I’m in. I went from having six figures in the bank to nothing but credit card debt. There’s no job in sight, and I’m homeless. My health has deteriorated. I’m greying and balding, whereas I used to have thick, voluminous hair. One of my pets passed away while I was scrambling to pull together finances for emergency treatment. My car has over 103,000 miles on it, and who knows when it’ll give out, leaving me with no transportation. On top of all this, my tinnitus keeps getting worse and never seems to stop.

My family hasn’t been much help, but what can they do? They can’t give me a job. Both of my parents are retired. Everyone in my "network" vanished when I asked for help in getting a foot in the door somewhere. I haven't figured out how to beat the automated resume-sorting systems that every company seems to use nowadays.

To be honest, I’ve given up on the job search. I haven’t filled out an application in months, even though the situation is getting worse. My mind just won’t let me do it. I sit down, but I’m mentally blocked. I called to schedule a mental health appointment, but I have to wait until October or November.

On top of everything else, I have to be back in California before October 1st if I want to keep my car registered there. Otherwise, I’ll have to go through the process of switching registration to my current state. That means I’ll no longer be able to say I live locally in Los Angeles on my applications, which will probably make it even harder to find a job near my daughter.

Everything is fucked. Ending it seems like the most plausible solution to it all. I just need someone to take care of my cat...

 

Don’t worry. The Susan Shore Device is just around the corner, and a new life without tinnitus is coming soon. A cure has been found, and it will be available to everyone shortly. If your situation is really severe, you could even apply for compassionate use before then. I read about a guy who did that and was allowed to try an experimental drug, though I can’t remember which one.

Stay with your parents in the meantime. They love you and will support you no matter what. Soon, you’ll be a new person, and you’ll be able to tackle every other problem.

Love.

 

Sorry to hear that life has really taken a downturn in a few areas for you. It's not easy going through it alone, but having your parents around is a great support. Maybe you can keep your car registered in California if that helps with your job search. Why can't you register it online? If it's a smog issue, no worries—just file form REG 5103. Be sure to do it while your registration is still current. This form will give you an exemption for one year.

 

I’ve been registering my car online through NeedTags to have everything sent here. It’s pretty expensive, with both their fee and the cost of California registration. Last year, I even flew to California to renew my driver’s license because I wasn’t eligible to renew online. I guess every few renewals, you have to go in person.

Last year, I filled out the smog deferral form. I’ll have to check if you can defer two years in a row or not. But yes, the smog check is a big issue right now. I think California auto insurance rates might also be higher. Everything is just draining my wallet.

On top of that, I’ve been paying for storage for all my furniture and belongings for over two years. If I had known I would be away this long, I would have sold everything or shipped it here. I originally thought it would take me about 2-3 months to find work. In the past, I could get a job in my field within a few weeks. I think I’ve spent around $10,000 (maybe a little more) on storage.

 

That’s just shitty. I’m sorry. As for the employment situation, don’t beat yourself up. I’m not sure what field you’re in or if you're working remotely, but finding a job in California is incredibly challenging. Even with a PhD, it's common to never hear back from employers. Have you considered working with an agency or a recruiter?

Since LA is so expensive, maybe you could find work in an area with a lower housing market and go from there. Wishing you the best and a bit of luck, too.

 

Today, I donated to Tinnitus Quest. It’s not even a large amount, but because of this, I won’t be able to buy food for myself today. Some people might think what I did is really stupid, and maybe they are right, but I’m so tired of this guys, I really am.

I’ve wanted to die every single day for the past 112 days. I have a very severe case of tinnitus, and I swear it’s one of the worst in the world. If a solution can’t be found, someone please come and kill me. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

 

My tinnitus is also catastrophic (sudden hearing loss) and has worsened A LOT since it happened 10 months ago. My fault. I've lost my job, had to move in with my parents at 32 and I am basically an alcoholic shut-in who makes myself and everyone else around me miserable.

I have no doubt I'll end my own life sooner or later but I already donated what disposable money I had and I'll donate whatever I can spare and anything left after I die (including my considerable inheritance) will go to tinnitus research so that one day others hopefully won't have to go through what we do.

 

Where do you live in the UK?

In the UK, they don’t give disability for hyperacusis and tinnitus, right? I got a fit note for two months because of tinnitus, but I can’t go on like this. I still want to work, even in this cursed situation. I don’t want money from anyone, but unfortunately, I’ve had to rely on benefits.

This is such a humiliating situation for me because before my health issues started, I had a job that I loved, colleagues I enjoyed working with, and an excellent work environment. But now I’m in a pitiful state. Despite this, I still try to continue living without any medication or anything. I’m trying to stay strong, but there’s nothing I can do. My girlfriend got tired of this situation and wanted to leave. I need to find a new place to live and a job. My family and friends live in my home country. I’m alone here. I don’t have family or anyone I can go to. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I want is either to get rid of this fucking tinnitus or to die painlessly.

 

I can relate. I also had a job I loved, working with animals, specifically dogs. I was a sitter and boarder in my own home, a qualified animal carer, and a trainee canine behaviorist. I had a full-time job at a kennel and a part-time job running puppy training classes. I built my own business and was passionate about it. Now, I feel like I've lost everything because I'm tormented by a constant, horrific sound that worsens with any movement.

I had to move back in with my parents because I couldn’t even manage a part-time, home-based admin job. I couldn’t afford rent, and the stress caused me to lose so much weight that doctors considered committing me.

I'm on ESA and PIP, and I suffer from significant hearing loss, chronic depression, and autism—enough to qualify as a legitimate disability. I'm legally classified as partially deaf, not from hidden hearing loss, but from sudden sensorineural hearing loss, which shows up clearly on a normal audiogram. It's a low/mid-frequency loss, very rare and not treatable with hearing aids. I'm completely screwed. I'll never be able to work again.

My life wasn’t exactly perfect before my hearing deteriorated. I went through high school with undiagnosed autism, bipolar type II, dyspraxia, hyperlexia, and a hormone disorder. Sometimes, I wonder what I did wrong.

 

I was in the same position as you, struggling to find employment as a web designer and digital marketer. Nobody would hire me, so I did the only thing I could: I started my own business. This happened around the same time my tinnitus started, about a year ago.

It was a challenging year, but I've reached the point where I'm now earning about the same as I did at my last job. Oh, and AI has been my friend, not my enemy. It helps me create social media content and offer website copywriting, which has really boosted my business. I don't think I’d be where I am today without AI.

 

The things we’ve experienced aren’t something that just anyone can easily handle. In fact, no one can really bear them, but you know... unfortunately, we’ve lived through it. I am truly sorry for what you’ve gone through. Even though I’m also writhing in pain, seeing another person like this makes me sad because we’re enduring a punishment that even the worst criminals don’t suffer.

However (unfortunately), life goes on. I wish I had never been born, I want to disappear, but sadly, I don’t have that option. Life goes on, but I’m stuck, frozen in place. Life and time have essentially stopped for me. The last things I clearly remember and feel are from before May 26, before this shit started. I truly don’t know how these 100 or so days passed.

As if the torture of being alive every second wasn’t enough, I also have a surgery coming up soon, and as if that wasn’t enough, I had to break up with my girlfriend of five years. Now, I’m looking for a place to stay and a job but it’s impossible. Rent prices have skyrocketed. I’m currently in London, and even a tiny room is almost 1000 pounds.

 

I’m feeling incredibly triggered right now. The middle-aged granddaughter of the woman who caused my ear injury had the audacity to send me a text message. When I clicked on it, it was just a JPG of her grandmother’s funeral announcement.

There was no personalized message, just the image, so I have no idea what her intentions were. Was she inviting me to the funeral this weekend? There’s no way I would go—not after the way they both treated me.

The last time I saw her grandmother in person, she was cold and indifferent. When the ear injury meant I was no longer useful to her, she showed no sympathy. I was crying in front of her, desperate for some acknowledgment of the pain I was in, but all she gave me was a deathly cold stare. She simply didn’t care.

I was so traumatized by both the injury and her indifference that I called her months later, hoping for some kind of resolution. I asked her directly if she was angry with me for quitting. She dodged the question, never giving me a straight answer, no matter how many times I asked. She kept saying things like, “What do you want from me? I’m 91 years old!” Her evasiveness confirmed what I had already feared—she resented me for leaving.

As for the granddaughter, we used to text often to coordinate care for her grandmother. But once she found out I was injured and couldn’t return, she ghosted me. She didn’t even offer a simple “I hope you feel better” or “I’m sorry this happened.” She just disappeared after I sent her a detailed account of my ear injury and what I was doing to treat it.

This month marks the two-year anniversary of the injury that ruined my life. I was already feeling down because of that, but receiving this text from the granddaughter has only made things worse. It has triggered a new wave of suicidal thoughts. How am I supposed to live knowing that the person who caused my injury hated me for being hurt, likely carrying that resentment to her grave? How does anyone try to wrap their mind around that kind of paradox without suffering serious psychological damage?

If the granddaughter thinks I would want to attend the funeral, she’s not just insensitive—she’s delusional. I have no loyalty or affection for anyone in that family. The mere thought of being in the same room with them fills me with such rage that I want to scream.

I often feel like I want to die, but the only thing stopping me is knowing what it would do to my husband. He would be devastated and probably blame himself for the rest of his life, even though I’ve told him time and again that there’s nothing he can do to fix my medical situation. Either my ears and brain will heal, or they won’t, and it’s not his fault.

 

Was it through private care or the NHS? She must be quite clueless if she can't recognize that sudden hearing loss isn't linked to mental health issues. It’s both absurd and truly painful. Neither society nor the medical field seems to have any real understanding of ear problems like these.

I came across some old news from 15-20 years ago about Keir Starmer's stance on euthanasia. At the time, he expressed support for it, but realistically, I don’t think he’ll take any steps in that direction anytime soon. He’s probably forgotten about it by now.

In any case, those in the UK who are determined to go through with it are already heading to Switzerland. I'm just waiting for my time.