Suicidal

Where did you ask for assisted suicide?

 

I didn't ask for it. I'm just looking into it in multiple European countries.

 

I’ve been looking into the idea, but since my family is super religious, it might be a hard sell for me, but to tell you the truth, it is slowly becoming unbearable.

 

If there were a euthanasia clinic nearby, I wouldn't tell anyone in case they stopped me. I'll just go. I'll be ethical, though, and resign from my job and tell them I'm going on an extended vacation.

But of course, I live in a third-world country, and tinnitus does not qualify for assisted suicide, so hopefully, I get some form of deadly cancer, and it kills me as soon as possible—best ending, I guess.

 

I experience my hearing loss every day, despite doctors insisting it doesn’t exist. Whether it’s hidden hearing loss, cochlear synaptopathy, or whatever name they want to give it, I don’t care. One of the audiograms I took showed “normal hearing,” so the doctor told me my hearing was perfect. Another ENT specialist I consulted said my hearing loss wasn’t significant enough to warrant early treatment. Even though I specifically requested early intervention, they didn’t provide it. Now, even if I wanted to start treatment, it’s too late because I’m already nearing the third month.

I notice my hearing issues every single day. Sometimes, I convince myself that listening to music through headphones for just 10 minutes couldn’t possibly cause hearing loss. I try to ignore my hearing problems, thinking they’ll eventually improve and I’ll hear normally again like I used to. But every morning, I wake up disappointed when the sounds I once heard clearly now come through muffled. My perception of sound has completely changed. It’s as if I’ve been transported into another body, and I’m experiencing the world’s sounds through that body.

Many people experience tinnitus after using headphones. Even if their numbers are small compared to the general population, they do exist. However, I’ve never encountered anyone else who, like me, has tinnitus yet shows no “bad” results on a hearing test and still struggles to hear. And there isn’t a single success story to draw hope from.

All the joy I once found in life is gone. Every morning when I wake up, I curse myself for not having died in my sleep. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to hear motivational speeches or wise sayings from anyone. I used to love joking around and chatting with people. Now that I can’t even do that, this is the only way I can express myself. I was once a person full of life, who enjoyed life, who was peaceful, respected, and loved by others. Now, I’ve suddenly become someone who wishes for death every day.

And I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to enjoy life; let it be. I want to stop existing. Not die because if I die, I’ll leave my family and loved ones behind. My body will still be in this world. I simply want to cease to exist, to be erased entirely.

 

Even though I'm currently in a very desperate situation due to hearing loss and tinnitus and have partly lost hope myself, I really want to share how I’ve dealt with my setbacks.

After my first sudden hearing loss at 28, it felt like my life was over. I experienced significant hearing loss, distorted voices, and tinnitus. It took about four years for me to accept these challenges and find a way to live well with them.

But then, more setbacks came. Over the next 20 years, I misjudged situations or happened to stumble into unfortunate ones.

One setback, in particular, was so severe that I likely felt much like you do now. I’m generally a very cheerful and communicative person, but during that time, it seemed impossible that things would ever improve. It was truly terrifying. Even now, facing another setback, it’s hard for me to believe that things will get better again. But in the past, they eventually did, even though the damage probably remained the same. My brain adapted, and although I was still aware of it, I learned to accept it. It might sound strange, but that’s how it was.

You can't imagine how poorly and inaccurately I hear things. The biggest and most important factor is time. I’ve faced two incredibly terrible setbacks, but eventually, there came a day when I was able to live well with it.

Of course, everyone’s experience of suffering is different, but I’ve hit rock bottom multiple times, and I’m there again now. Still, I’m trying once more to climb out so that I can find life beautiful and worth living again.

How long have you been struggling with your condition?

 

For over two months.

Despite going through some terribly difficult challenges and pain in my life, I’ve never had a moment where I thought, “Okay, I’m done, my life is over.” There have been situations that came close, but I’ve never felt like I was at the end of the road.

I’ve never had issues with anyone in my life and have never caused harm to anyone. I used to live peacefully and happily, minding my own business. I’ve been living abroad for five years. During this time, I’ve faced unimaginable challenges, but I never said, “This is it for me.” I worked in food industry for a long time. When I deeply cut my hand, while my friends wanted to take me to the hospital, I continued working. Another time, while working, my hand got into a deep fryer, and I slept all night with my hand in a bucket of ice water. If I had removed my hand for even a second, it felt like it would burn as if it was frying in oil. Even in these situations, I didn’t take a day off from work. I never, not even once, questioned whether I could continue working. While I was abroad, some of my family members passed away, and I couldn’t even attend their funerals. But the next day, I was back at work. I never took a day off, not once.

But now, I don’t even know how I can work again. I don’t even want to work or live anymore. What does it matter if I do good work or earn millions? I’ve lost my hearing right before my eyes. Even though I wanted treatment, I couldn’t get it. How many people in the world, who already have a less severe case of tinnitus due to headphones, end up not only with hearing loss but are also condemned to lifelong hearing impairment because they were denied treatment when they wanted it? If this curse was going to find me, did it have to do so when I was 27 and living alone abroad?

People around me always say that I’m strong in the face of adversity. I’m aware of this myself, but no one gives you a prize for it. I wish I weren’t strong. I wish I had died or that I had been weak enough to take my own life back then. Even though my tinnitus is at a hardcore level, I can accept it. The same goes for hyperacusis.

If I could work remotely, I might be able to isolate myself with masking sounds and somehow continue my life. But how can I go on with hearing loss? Especially at the age of 27.

I want to die as soon as possible. Until then, I just want to live far away from everyone and everything, without having to explain or tell anyone anything. I’m so tired and worn out, especially because of my hearing problem.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through. I understand how you feel; I experienced hearing loss, hyperacusis, and tinnitus when I was 28. Now, at 49, I'm facing a similar low point and asking myself the same kinds of questions.

I know this might sound dismissive or cliché, but believe me, time is the most important factor for healing and adaptation. It requires a lot of time and, above all, a great deal of patience. You can't imagine how often I felt like I was losing control, even kicking walls out of sheer frustration from the suffering. For a long time, I was afraid to flush the toilet because the sound felt so unsettling, a constant reminder of my situation, especially since it seemed like nothing was getting better.

But it did get better—or at least more bearable. It took several months, and it was excruciating—truly unbearable. No one can fully understand unless they've gone through it themselves.

And then, one day, a sense of normalcy and a good life returned.

I was able to enjoy many beautiful experiences again. Although there were some limitations in my quality of life, I still managed to travel the world, discover new things, and even started making music again, albeit very quietly.

After just two months, things may not seem fixed yet; perhaps the hearing loss won’t recover measurably, but the brain has an incredible capacity for adaptation—it's true.

It’s not that you stop noticing it, but it mostly stops bothering you.

I'm not saying this lightly, and I know from personal experience that it can sometimes feel impossible to believe. Just this morning, I had one of those "end of the world" moments, mentally...

Please, give yourself time—I have to take it too. I could cry from the sheer lack of motivation, wondering, "why me?"

I've gotten through it three times, and I intend to get through it again.

Each time, life has turned out to be quite beautiful afterward, even with some limitations. I know I'm still struggling with the hearing loss and the uncertainty of how it will all progress... but I believe that in several months, the world will look brighter again.

What do you think?

 

I don’t want to live like this. Yes, I know that if I don’t die, one day, my mind won’t be constantly fixated on my current hearing loss; life will go on somehow, even completely deaf or severely disabled people continue their lives in some way, but I don’t want to live a life like that. I used to be someone who lived peacefully and happily on my own. I didn’t need much to be happy. As long as I could eat, have some small talk with friends, occasionally eat out, and joke around with my family on the phone, that was enough. I had work plans and goals I wanted to achieve in life. Now, I don’t care about any of that. It doesn’t even matter to me anymore.

I want to hear properly, like any other person. I wish I had died instead of seeing these days.

 

Neither you nor I actually want to die; we're just completely lost with the current situation, and we're suffering greatly. We want to live, preferably without any complaints. The problem with hearing is that it sits so close to our control center that it hardly gives us time to breathe. It's so intense and unbearable when something is wrong that it often triggers an endless loop, and it seems hopeless to escape it. However, I've already managed to overcome it three times, which gives me hope.

As a musician, I was completely traumatized by my hearing loss... just last month, I was extremely motivated to start a small project despite my hearing loss. Now, I feel empty and have absolutely no visions... But I hope for an improvement in the situation; even a little bit can make an enormous difference.

What did you do today?

 

You'll get to a better place with this. I think anyone who experiences severe tinnitus has these thoughts to a degree, especially "How am I going to live like this." I'd give it at least 12 months before I'd do something rash. It took me 18 months for my brain to get bored of the sound, and the sound made me housebound for most of it.

Now isn't forever.

 

The Dutch woman, Gaby Olthuis, suffered for 12 years and died by assisted suicide.

If you have damage in the cochlea, tinnitus will be with you forever.

 

It will be 4 years for me next month, and it's only getting worse - new tones, louder tones. It just won't stop worsening. I can't keep going through this cycle. I thought I'd make it 5-10 years before it would elevate just from natural hearing degradation, but it's been once or twice a year. I'm at the point now where it's extremely difficult even to protect my ears because I can't hear anything over the tinnitus while wearing earplugs. If I wear weaker or no hearing protection, it just gets worse even faster, so now I get to walk around basically deaf if I want to leave the house.

 

I saw the interview. She had tinnitus, but from my understanding, what motivated her decision was the hyperacusis.

 

@tomytl, I don’t know about you, but I genuinely feel like disappearing or dying. Since hearing tests don’t show any loss, hearing aids don’t work for me and never will. I’m convinced I have cochlear synaptopathy because every hearing test I’ve taken results in doctors telling me, “There’s nothing wrong with your hearing.” While tinnitus and hyperacusis are somewhat well-known and can be managed, albeit with difficulty, cochlear synaptopathy is something the medical field doesn’t fully understand yet. The end of this road seems to be deafness, with no treatment in sight, and hearing aids won’t help anyway. My life feels devoid of purpose or joy. The main issue is my hearing problem, not even the tinnitus.

@Stayinghopeful, if I had to, I could live my life under house arrest, masking sounds while working remotely or something. But I’ve lost my ability to hear clearly, and even hearing aids can’t help. I’m not one of the lucky ones. I’ve been cursed to spend the rest of my life in agony.

@Norm23, I watched that poor woman’s story and the interview with her mother. That woman suffered for so many years. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been. The only solace is knowing she’s no longer in pain.

@kingsfan, I have a similar problem. Even at home, in a quiet environment, I can no longer hear sounds as clearly and distinctly as I used to. As soon as I leave the house, noises throw me off balance, my perception becomes distorted, and I start to feel dizzy. When I wear earplugs, I hear less, but I still lose my balance and can’t detect passing cars or people around me. And with earplugs, I’m left alone with my tinnitus. It’s truly a cursed and tormenting condition.

 

This is the problem with forums.

@2049v may read your post, and it won't help him mentally at all. I know it didn't me and took me down a very dark hole. Your reality may not be his. All I'm trying to say is that tinnitus can improve, especially during the early stages, and that you should give it some time to see how it goes.

I've read her story. It's an absolute worst-case scenario and a very heartbreaking one.

I'm fine with tinnitus being with me forever, I completely accept that.

 

The fact that you are "fine" with tinnitus has nonetheless not enabled you to refrain from displaying the characteristics of an obnoxious sixth grader.

 

This is a pretty mature post from a well-adjusted individual.

 

I have been living in hell for about three months. A relentless ringing that never leaves me alone, a sense of imbalance and dizziness in environments with multiple sound sources, hearing loss that doesn’t show up much on audiograms but is terrible in reality, muffled hearing, a decrease in the clarity and quality of sounds, hearing my own voice as if it’s quieter, not being able to notice people or cars passing by on the street, feeling disoriented and unbalanced in public places like streets, markets, or anywhere crowded, going to sleep and waking up every night with intense ringing in my ears, not even being able to find relief in parks due to the ringing and losing my balance from the noise of people, being unable to work because of these ear problems, straining my relationships with my family, girlfriend, and others, being gaslit by people, waking up every morning with ear pain, and so on.

All of this started one morning when I woke up with ringing in my ears, and it has continued every second since. I can’t imagine living like this, not even for a day, let alone a lifetime. As I mentioned before, I have never had any psychological or mental illness in my life. All of these problems began after a night of listening to music with headphones and have persisted every moment since. I want to be free from this suffering as soon as possible. I am still in shock, wondering how this could have happened to me. I was a person living a happy and peaceful life, well-liked and respected by those around me, and now I have turned into someone who hates life. It feels as if I died and woke up in hell. There is no other explanation for this torment.

I am still in disbelief, still unable to comprehend what I am going through. How did this find me, and if it did, why am I suffering so severely and painfully, unlike others who only experience mild ringing?

I know that this pain will end when I die, but I don’t know when or how I will die. The only thing I want is for this pain to end as soon as possible.

 

Your situation deeply resonates with me. I understand exactly how you feel because I, too, was completely blindsided—one morning, I woke up and my world was turned upside down. At first, I didn’t grasp what was happening and let precious days slip by before seeing a doctor. I was utterly overwhelmed.

While my experience may not be identical to yours, the way you describe it hits home. I asked myself the same questions you're asking now, and I find myself revisiting those questions again. After what seemed like an improvement, I feel as though my hearing is worsening, especially in understanding speech, and the tinnitus is tormenting me again.

It feels like there's a wall in my head, and I can’t even think about the near future. My impaired hearing is consuming me.

Things simply have to improve for both of us!

 

It's not just that it is with you forever. It gets worse.

Gaby's tinnitus drastically worsened over time. Many of us here and elsewhere have adapted to stable tinnitus. Ever-worsening auditory torture, like what she and a few others experience, myself included, is a different story.

 

Throughout my life, I've always found happiness in the little things. For me, happiness was sometimes joking around with a friend, sometimes just sitting for hours in a place I loved, sometimes working at my job, sometimes aimlessly walking in nature or through the streets, sometimes simply sleeping, sometimes goofing around with friends, sometimes riding my bike through parks at night, and sometimes wandering alone in the city center or having a random chat with the guys at the local shop. I never needed a lot of money or material things to be happy. Everyone around me knew I was a peaceful and happy person, but my story ends here. The lights are out. The curtains are down.

 

I’ve only been dealing with this nightmare for three months, but I feel like I’m enduring more pain than three thousand people could in a lifetime. Every moment of these three months has been consumed by the desire to die. No one deserves to suffer like this, no one.

There’s just one question I need an answer to. Once I have it, I’d even accept being tortured to death if I could. There are millions of people out there who go to concerts and nightclubs, use headphones, work in loud environments, shoot guns without ear protection, and so on. Most of these people never experience hearing damage, tinnitus, or anything else. We, who suffer from this tinnitus curse and hearing problems 24/7, are an incredibly small minority.

Even among those who have issues with headphone use, we’re just a fraction of tinnitus sufferers, and many of them only experience mild ringing or only hear it at night, if at all. I haven’t come across a single person whose tinnitus is as constant and severe as mine, along with hearing issues. Because there’s no one else like this, I have no “success story” to look up to. Plus, everyone’s damage and current hearing health make it impossible to apply someone else’s “success story” to my situation.

So, the question I desperately need an answer to is this: Why, in this incredibly rare situation, am I not like the lucky majority who have it at a “non-bothersome” level, or “sometimes hear it,” or “only hear it at night,” or who say, “What even is hyperacusis? I’ve never experienced that”? Why am I condemned to a life where my hearing is permanently damaged, where I hear the world as if it’s behind glass, where I experience balance issues with sound exposure, and am stuck with unbearably loud tinnitus for the rest of my life?

And on top of that, I wasn’t even someone who constantly used headphones or listened to things at high volumes. What kills me the most is that. I constantly see people on the subway, in the gym, on the street, everywhere, blasting music through their headphones, and nothing happens to them. Even in rare cases where something happens, it’s so mild that it doesn’t impact their life. My own girlfriend and friends, despite my warnings not to walk around with headphones on, keep using them. Even after this nightmare started for me, they still use them. Sometimes, when my girlfriend listens to music, I take her headphones and check the volume from a distance. It’s the same volume I used to listen to for 10 minutes, and she listens at that level for hours every single day. Yet nothing happens to her. And it shouldn’t. No one should go through this. No one deserves it.

But that’s exactly what I’m asking. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Countless people use headphones at much higher volumes and go to clubs and concerts all the time, and I’ve never once used ear protection—some of them don’t even know what it is—and they don’t end up in my situation. Even if they do, it’s so mild they can continue their lives like nothing happened. So, what did I do to deserve this? What did I do? I genuinely want to know—what did I do? Once I have that answer, I’m willing to accept daily physical torture and eventually die in agony. I want to know—what did I do?

 

These exact thoughts often cross my mind as well. At the last event I attended, I saw many people my age without any hearing protection, intoxicated, and happily dancing right in front of the speakers. I’ve often warned my close circle to be careful because hearing damage can happen without warning or logic, and everyone saw how much I struggled with it.

The problem is that people often take their hearing for granted.

When I was a child, I knew a woman who had very severe tinnitus, and my mother explained it to me when I was about nine years old. Even then, the thought of it was terrifying because I saw how much she suffered. Over the years, I often said, "Just let nothing happen to my ears..."

I didn’t always protect my hearing when I was younger, but starting at age 20, I mostly did. Then at 28, it hit me out of nowhere.

Why me? Up until then, I hadn’t consumed alcohol, taken drugs, or smoked. Apart from a genetically inherited blood clotting disorder, I was in very good health. However, since I have a hearing loss pattern similar to Cookie Bite, it could suggest a genetic component. Apparently, my ears just aren’t as resilient as others', who have taken no precautions for 50 years without issue.

It's incredibly frustrating to suddenly find yourself in a tunnel where, at first, there’s no light in sight.

And even if you manage to leave the tunnel, you have to be extremely careful—something I haven’t always succeeded at over the past 21 years. I’ve been harshly punished for it.

Still, I’m certain that some people in this forum are in much worse situations. I can assure you that my crash in 2003 was terrible, and it took a long time to regain control.

Unfortunately, due to misjudgments, I crashed again in 2014 and now in 2024, something I can barely forgive myself for.

 

I believe Gaby's hyperacusis did her in. A car 1 mile away would hurt her.

Regardless, inner ear nerve damage and brain damage are a brutal cocktail. Suicide is a reasonable response to such relentless torture.

It takes luck, patience, grit, hope, acceptance, and mental exercises to combat this condition. Often these fall short.

RIP Gaby.

 

You’re dealing with a complete lottery situation. Your mother warned you about that woman’s illness, which really surprised me because I had never heard about this permanent and constant ringing in the ears from either my mother or father. My father was a GP, and my mother was a nurse who worked with an ENT specialist for 15 years. They never once mentioned anything like this to me.

What exactly happened to you in 2014 and 2024? Did you experience a new acoustic trauma? What do you do for work? Has this condition affected your social, professional, or family life?

This is something that probably has a lower probability of happening than dying in a plane crash. As I said, since my situation isn’t like other sufferers who say, “It doesn’t bother me,” “I only hear it at night,” or “I hardly notice it,” the odds of it happening must be incredibly low. That’s why I’m already rebelling against it. People who I’d expect to have this problem long before me are perfectly fine, yet I’m living every day wishing for death.

Right now, I’m unable to work due to my hearing problems, even though I’m only 26. This is both embarrassing and humiliating for me. Before these conditions hit me, I was working at a job I loved and enjoyed, but it seems that whoever was running this simulation saw this happiness and peace as too much for me and chose to punish me this way for no reason.

 

I can 100% understand everything you write. I feel the same way. You say you're not afraid of death; that may be true. But believe me, from the moment these words become convincing thoughts and then the first “preparatory actions,” this pain is unbearable. I hope you don't get to this point and think you should keep your hope.

Your age and the fact that your suffering has not lasted too long should give you a reason to continue to believe in life. I'm 40 and have been living with this horror for 1.5 years. Sometimes or rarely, I have good days, but the bad ones always drag me into an extremely deep hole.

I know exactly how you feel. Extremely alone. When I see all the carefree people at work or elsewhere, I always think: This can't be my reality—a never-ending nightmare. I don't know what to learn from this inhumane suffering. All I know is that, looking back, there were always days worth the fight. However, in the long term, things need to change permanently for the better. This is all unreal and nothing I would call life.

 

I'm very close to that. A highway a few miles from a nearby state park causes my ears to screech and shriek. It's unbearable.

 

In 2014, 11 years after my major crash with tinnitus, hyperacusis, and hearing loss, I went to a restaurant that was fairly crowded. The acoustics caused an echo, and everyone seemed to be speaking very loudly. I stayed there for about three hours without any hearing protection. When I got home, I noticed that everything sounded unusually thin, and a high-pitched, loud tinnitus set in. Shortly after, I experienced pressure in my ears and muffled hearing. This became a significant trauma for me, lasting around 12 months before my hearing gradually returned to the level of damage I had grown accustomed to over the previous eight years. While it still bothered me occasionally, I had learned to live with it. During that difficult period, I even tried hearing aids, but they only worsened the tinnitus at night.

Now, in 2024, after about nine years of living relatively well, despite some unexpected setbacks like the sound of exploding car engines from reckless drivers, random fireworks set off by thoughtless people, or other sudden noise disturbances, I feel like I’ve fallen into the same trap again. Like a fool, I went to a DJ event upon invitation, equipped with my custom-fitted, high-attenuation ear protection. The event lasted about two hours. However, once I removed the earplugs in the car, the familiar tinnitus began again, similar to what I experienced in 2014. On top of that, I developed a middle ear pressure disturbance in my left ear, which had been a minor issue before but is now genuinely bothering me.

At this point, my hearing feels completely distorted, and my latest hearing test showed worse results in my left ear due to an air conduction disorder. This is a catastrophe for me, reigniting the traumas of 2003 and 2014, along with the familiar setbacks, all at full force.

Although I’ve managed to climb out of the depths twice before and return to a livable life despite tinnitus, fear of loud noises, and hearing loss (30% in my left ear, 20% in my right), I now feel utterly lost. I feel panicked, mentally blocked, and unable to see any light at the end of the tunnel, despite knowing that I’ve come through it before.

The cruel reality of this condition is that no one can predict what tomorrow will bring—or, on a larger scale, what the coming months will hold.

But what gives me hope, and what I hope might give you hope too, is that there is a way out.

We’ve all crashed, and it consumes us, making us feel depressed, especially when we can’t see the horizon.

What’s strange is that I can never remember the exact moment when things started to become bearable again—when I found my way back to life. It just happens, gradually.

Today, I found myself crying while trying to work on my computer, meticulously as I always do. Right now, I don’t have the capacity for much more. I can’t even begin to look into the future. That’s why I’m planning to visit my family doctor tomorrow. Maybe they can prescribe something to lift my mood or help me sleep.

I believe the first step is finding a way to calm your nervous system. It only makes everything worse—existential fears, lack of motivation, insomnia due to the noise, or simply being unable to sleep from just lying there.

It might also be helpful for you to consult your trusted doctor.

 

I’m the kind of person who follows through once I’ve made a decision. Except for the first few weeks, I’ve never actively planned to commit suicide, but I’ve always seen it as an escape route. I’m not planning it, but I keep it in the back of my mind.

I know that the moment I make a firm decision, I’ll go through with it. No one will be able to stop me because, if I decide to do it, I’ll do it quietly, maybe leaving a note behind, and perhaps in a way that no one will even find my body. I live abroad. My family and close friends live in another country. If I die, they’ll find out somehow, and I’ll include this profile and my writings in my suicide note so they know that I fought hard but ultimately couldn’t bear the torture anymore.

One of the reasons I’m pouring my heart out on this site is for those I leave behind to understand what I’ve been going through. I don’t expect them to fully grasp it because only those who experience this torment truly understand. But I hope they’ll at least get a glimpse of how much pain I’ve been in. Another reason I write is for others in similar, milder situations to see what I’m going through and take the necessary precautions so they don’t endure the same inhumane suffering.

At 26, I was full of life, got along well with people, was the life of every gathering, and was a hardworking person respected and trusted by my colleagues. But suddenly, I turned into someone who hates life and living. Don’t think of me as weak because of what I’m saying. Throughout my life, I’ve faced countless physical, financial, and emotional hardships and illnesses, but these ear issues I’ve been dealing with are worse than all the other challenges combined. It’s beyond terrifying, worse than anything one could even dream of in a nightmare. I used to find joy in simple things—walking alone in nature parks, riding my bike at night, listening to music alone. But this latest event has drained my energy, desire to live, and love for life. It has consumed me and brought me below zero. I feel like my life is in the negative, like I’m underground, in the Mariana Trench. Perhaps only one thing could bring me to this point in my life, and it happened to me in its worst form—not the mild version that the luckier majority might experience. I always imagined that I might have a heart attack, get into a car accident and become disabled, lose a limb, or get cancer—these are things that could happen to anyone, including me. But I never imagined that I’d face hearing problems that would make me wish for death every day. I’m still shocked that such a nightmarish condition even exists in the world. If there’s a place called hell, this shit surely belongs there. Or maybe I’m already dead and in hell right now—I don’t know.

Despite the crushing weight of this cursed illness, I only have a gram of hope left. And it’s that one gram of hope that’s keeping me breathing right now.

It’s clear that you've overcome this situation before, and there's no doubt you'll get through it again. You're experiencing the same challenges, but the way out is again visible to you. Never forget this, and keep it in mind before you let yourself fall into a cycle of despair.

It's incredibly unfair and frustrating to experience hearing damage again, even after wearing ear protection at an event. I’ve already decided that to avoid worsening my condition, I won’t be going to concerts, clubs, or loud events for the rest of my life. But I know that making such a decision might not be as easy for everyone. Still, going through a second trauma despite wearing ear protection is truly awful.

Despite these difficult circumstances, I really admire you. You've reached a certain age, and you're still able to work. When I look at myself, I think about how, at 26, I should be working, earning money, enjoying life, and making the most of my youth. Instead, I'm dealing with hearing issues at this age and living with constant suffering. If this problem had come later in life, say at 35 or 40, it would have been much easier to bear.

I have absolutely no trust in the UK healthcare system or the "professionals" within it. Knowing the state of healthcare here, my only prayer was to avoid any health issues while living in this country. But ironically, I ended up facing three different health problems here. One of them required surgery, and because of that, I’ll need to undergo another surgery within a few months under general anesthesia. This cursed condition struck me when I was trying to get through these issues and move on with my life. My only prayer was not to fall ill while living in this country, yet here I am, dealing with this horrible illness, and despite my insistence, I was denied the early treatment that could have been my only chance for recovery. It’s absolutely maddening.

Imagine having just one thing you want to avoid in life—your single wish is to stay clear of it—and life ends up giving you the most hardcore and cruel version of that very thing. My only wish was not to fall ill while living abroad, but I ended up battling three different illnesses here, one of which required surgery, and I’ll be going through it again soon. Yet, despite all this, I didn't fall apart. I continued to find joy and live peacefully, only to be struck by the worst, most cursed, most painful condition in the world. It found me, even though I didn’t deserve it. There are people who have been exposed to noise far more than I have, who have used headphones much more than I ever did—people who should have experienced this long before me. Yet, it happened to me.

Anyone else in my position might have lost their sanity, committed suicide, or lived on tranquilizers, but not me. I’m someone who is punished by the universe for striving to endure and succeed. At this point, I’m almost convinced that even if a cure for hearing loss, tinnitus, or hyperacusis were discovered, I’d be the one person in the world incompatible with it. I truly believe that. This is my fate. I know that the reason I’m still alive is simply that I’m destined to endure even more suffering.