Suicidal

[Chrispodie74]

I wish I had taken a sugar pill, anything but the real deal, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in either... safe benzo I was told, wtf.

I always advocated for my patients but I failed on myself big time.

 

[Chrispodie74]

I just joined this. Seems I am not alone in the hell of tinnitus and psych med withdrawal. It's a world of frustration, despair, hopelessness and other things.
Constant tinnitus for the past 10 years along with frequent med changes have been horrible. I also have chronic headaches. My quality of life has been very low to say the least. Emotional breakdowns i know to well. I don't know what complaining on this forum is good for. I guess I should just ignore the pain and be grateful. Suck it up. That's what I hear from the people around me, who don't have a clue. I get so tired of sucking it up. It's too much!

 

[Chrispodie74]

If you find yourself laying on the floor crying, and thinking about jamming a screw driver into your ear, something is not right.

 

[Star64]

I just joined this. Seems I am not alone in the hell of tinnitus and psych med withdrawal. It's a world of frustration, despair, hopelessness and other things.
Constant tinnitus for the past 10 years along with frequent med changes have been horrible. I also have chronic headaches. My quality of life has been very low to say the least. Emotional breakdowns i know to well. I don't know what complaining on this forum is good for. I guess I should just ignore the pain and be grateful. Suck it up. That's what I hear from the people around me, who don't have a clue. I get so tired of sucking it up. It's too much!

Withdrawal from all psyche drugs is horrendous, and I am sorry to hear that you are going through this too.
You are definitely not alone, there are plenty of us here on Tinnitus Talk that can relate to what you are experiencing, so at least you will have people who understand what you are going through, so that is one good thing about this forum

 

[Star64]

If you find yourself laying on the floor crying, and thinking about jamming a screw driver into your ear, something is not right.

It is a bloody cruel condition, I have shed many tears because of it.

 

[PeteJ]

If you find yourself laying on the floor crying, and thinking about jamming a screw driver into your ear, something is not right.

A friend threatened to call on me. My friend and brother both have real mild tinnitus and they still don't understand severe tinnitus.

There is no help for this.

If you have mild or moderate tinnitus, then maybe meds, TRT, CBT and whatever else might help a bit.

That's the extent of it though.

 

[Star64]

The plan was to go from 40 mg to 20 mg over 6 months. However, if I decide to come off of Prozac completely I would go from 20 mg to 0 mg over a number of years. It's the last bit that takes forever.

Not sure what to do yet.

Just a thought, why don't you try the liquid Prozac? It may be easier to withdraw from dosage wise if you do decide to withdraw from this drug.

 

[all to gain]

Just a thought, why don't you try the liquid Prozac? It may be easier to withdraw from dosage wise if you do decide to withdraw from this drug.

Yeah, I mentioned a liquid form earlier. problem is that many doctors won't prescribe it as it's way more expensive.
I would ask about it, but I'm now living back abroad.

Really unsure what to do for the best really. Cant live like this much more.

I still haven't tried mindfulness and meditation. I'm just so down to even bother trying. I just keep wanting my old life back, something I know isn't coming back any time soon... ever.

 

[Star64]

Yeah, I mentioned a liquid form earlier. problem is that many doctors won't prescribe it as it's way more expensive.
I would ask about it, but I'm now living back abroad.

Really unsure what to do for the best really. Cant live like this much more.

I still haven't tried mindfulness and meditation. I'm just so down to even bother trying. I just keep wanting my old life back, something I know isn't coming back any time soon... ever.

Hopefully if you decide to try and reduce your dosage they will prescribe it for you. Liquid is way easier to make reductions from, I was dry cutting tablets and ended up with crumbs sometimes.

I have just posted in another thread about meditation, somebody was amused by my post and thought it was funny but I don't care, it helps me. It certainly is no cure for tinnitus, but it helps me relax. I usually do it before I go to bed and I used it recently to sit in the dentist chair for over an hour, normally this would see me having a panic attack (I do not like the dentist, I have TMJ)

Sure it is not a cure for panic disorder either, You can only give it a try, it may not work for you. One things for sure it certainly will not cause you any further harm.

 

[Allan1967]

Today for me is a severe day. Days like today I start looking up assisted dying. I like the sound of Pegasos in Switzerland. I have so many emotional ties here on earth however - wife, children. They make this hard to progress. I'm 52. I've got another 30 years potentially... it seems like an eternity right now but I hope for something else to strike me down. If only I had a crystal ball that said my demise would happen sooner rather that later.

 

[Juan]

Actually, EVERYTHING is a bad idea if you have tinnitus

Well, you can go for a walk along the beach, or do some exercise. That's a good idea! ;-)

 

[acute]

Well, you can go for a walk along the beach, or do some exercise. That's a good idea! ;-)

Thank you but I think jumping off a bridge while getting very high on bezos is a better idea for my current situation.

 

[MattS]

A friend threatened to call on me. My friend and brother both have real mild tinnitus and they still don't understand severe tinnitus.

There is no help for this.

If you have mild or moderate tinnitus, then maybe meds, TRT, CBT and whatever else might help a bit.

That's the extent of it though.

So you've tried these things Pete?

You tried CBT?
You tried TRT?

You know they won't work because *you tried them* and they didn't work?

How about that book from @linearb - did that also not work?

From my vantage point, it seems that what won't work is ignoring advice, and telling everyone that's trying to help you that they simply don't understand. That, clearly, seems not to be helping you.

We can't help you Pete without your help.
You need to help yourself.

 

[Juan]

Thank you but I think jumping off a bridge while getting very high on bezos is a better idea for my current situation.

It cant be so bad.

 

[all to gain]

Thank you but I think jumping off a bridge while getting very high on bezos is a better idea for my current situation.

I live on the 16th floor. I only need to walk 4-5 steps to throw myself out of a window. Can't do it though. But at the same time I want the pain to stop.

 

[all to gain]

Hopefully if you decide to try and reduce your dosage they will prescribe it for you. Liquid is way easier to make reductions from, I was dry cutting tablets and ended up with crumbs sometimes.

I have just posted in another thread about meditation, somebody was amused by my post and thought it was funny but I don't care, it helps me. It certainly is no cure for tinnitus, but it helps me relax. I usually do it before I go to bed and I used it recently to sit in the dentist chair for over an hour, normally this would see me having a panic attack (I do not like the dentist, I have TMJ)

Sure it is not a cure for panic disorder either, You can only give it a try, it may not work for you. One things for sure it certainly will not cause you any further harm.

In theory I could open the capsules I have and use titration. Not sure if Prozac mixes with water well or not though. Will have to study up on it.

 

[PeteJ]

So you've tried these things Pete?

You tried CBT?
You tried TRT?

You know they won't work because *you tried them* and they didn't work?

How about that book from @linearb - did that also not work?

From my vantage point, it seems that what won't work is ignoring advice, and telling everyone that's trying to help you that they simply don't understand. That, clearly, seems not to be helping you.

We can't help you Pete without your help.
You need to help yourself.

Answered all these questions before. NEXT...

 

[just1morething]

Thank you but I think jumping off a bridge while getting very high on bezos is a better idea for my current situation.

How about jumping out of a basement window while high on benzos?

 

[Labyrinthine]

Thank you but I think jumping off a bridge while getting very high on bezos is a better idea for my current situation.

Take me with you.

 

[MattS]

Answered all these questions before. NEXT...

That's okay Pete, they were rhetorical.

 

[Star64]

In theory I could open the capsules I have and use titration. Not sure if Prozac mixes with water well or not though. Will have to study up on it.

You can mix the powder from the capsules with water. Mix it with 10 ml of water and that should do the trick.

 

[HootOwl]

Having a really bad day today. It's days like these where I feel like I can't go on. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying. I just want the distortion to stop. I want to stop hearing loud dial tones inside of fans and planes and air conditioners. I want to stop hearing crickets and white noise and Morse code beeps inside of the car, and from water, and from passing traffic - from practically everything. I just...just want sounds to be normal. I crave the ocean and the wind, and I fear I will never hear them like I did ever again.

I want my ears to be normal. I want my old life back. Even my life from 3 months ago would be okay. It was severe tinnitus but I could cope...not well, but I suppose well enough...

I'll never forgive myself for letting that acoustic trauma happen. Every day I blame myself. Every second I blame myself. I count down the minutes until I can fall asleep. It's the only part of the day I look forward to anymore, and that is just no way to live a life.

I keep trying to say, "hang in there. One of these upcoming treatments will help you. It will help all of us." But then I think what if not. I can do 5 years of this, maybe 10. But I can't do a lifetime. My brain can't even process 60 years of suffering like this.

 

[MattS]

Having a really bad day today. It's days like these where I feel like I can't go on. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying. I just want the distortion to stop. I want to stop hearing loud dial tones inside of fans and planes and air conditioners. I want to stop hearing crickets and white noise and Morse code beeps inside of the car, and from water, and from passing traffic - from practically everything. I just...just want sounds to be normal. I crave the ocean and the wind, and I fear I will never hear them like I did ever again.

I want my ears to be normal. I want my old life back. Even my life from 3 months ago would be okay. It was severe tinnitus but I could cope...not well, but I suppose well enough...

I'll never forgive myself for letting that acoustic trauma happen. Every day I blame myself. Every second I blame myself. I count down the minutes until I can fall asleep. It's the only part of the day I look forward to anymore, and that is just no way to live a life.

I keep trying to say, "hang in there. One of these upcoming treatments will help you. It will help all of us." But then I think what if not. I can do 5 years of this, maybe 10. But I can't do a lifetime. My brain can't even process 60 years of suffering like this.

What was your latest acoustic trauma?

 

[Nate52]

Having a really bad day today. It's days like these where I feel like I can't go on. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying. I just want the distortion to stop. I want to stop hearing loud dial tones inside of fans and planes and air conditioners. I want to stop hearing crickets and white noise and Morse code beeps inside of the car, and from water, and from passing traffic - from practically everything. I just...just want sounds to be normal. I crave the ocean and the wind, and I fear I will never hear them like I did ever again.

I want my ears to be normal. I want my old life back. Even my life from 3 months ago would be okay. It was severe tinnitus but I could cope...not well, but I suppose well enough...

I'll never forgive myself for letting that acoustic trauma happen. Every day I blame myself. Every second I blame myself. I count down the minutes until I can fall asleep. It's the only part of the day I look forward to anymore, and that is just no way to live a life.

I keep trying to say, "hang in there. One of these upcoming treatments will help you. It will help all of us." But then I think what if not. I can do 5 years of this, maybe 10. But I can't do a lifetime. My brain can't even process 60 years of suffering like this.

I know the feeling. My ear rings off and on to external sounds. I keep hoping that each day will bring improvement. The best part of the day is going asleep at night.

 

[Kriszti]

Having a really bad day today. It's days like these where I feel like I can't go on. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying. I just want the distortion to stop. I want to stop hearing loud dial tones inside of fans and planes and air conditioners. I want to stop hearing crickets and white noise and Morse code beeps inside of the car, and from water, and from passing traffic - from practically everything. I just...just want sounds to be normal. I crave the ocean and the wind, and I fear I will never hear them like I did ever again.

I want my ears to be normal. I want my old life back. Even my life from 3 months ago would be okay. It was severe tinnitus but I could cope...not well, but I suppose well enough...

I'll never forgive myself for letting that acoustic trauma happen. Every day I blame myself. Every second I blame myself. I count down the minutes until I can fall asleep. It's the only part of the day I look forward to anymore, and that is just no way to live a life.

I keep trying to say, "hang in there. One of these upcoming treatments will help you. It will help all of us." But then I think what if not. I can do 5 years of this, maybe 10. But I can't do a lifetime. My brain can't even process 60 years of suffering like this.

I know it doesn't help much, but my heart goes out for you. I don't have half as bad as you, but today was just pretty horrible, same as yesterday. Hoping for a better tomorrow for all of us.

 

[Labyrinthine]

Having a really bad day today. It's days like these where I feel like I can't go on. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying. I just want the distortion to stop. I want to stop hearing loud dial tones inside of fans and planes and air conditioners. I want to stop hearing crickets and white noise and Morse code beeps inside of the car, and from water, and from passing traffic - from practically everything. I just...just want sounds to be normal. I crave the ocean and the wind, and I fear I will never hear them like I did ever again.

I want my ears to be normal. I want my old life back. Even my life from 3 months ago would be okay. It was severe tinnitus but I could cope...not well, but I suppose well enough...

I'll never forgive myself for letting that acoustic trauma happen. Every day I blame myself. Every second I blame myself. I count down the minutes until I can fall asleep. It's the only part of the day I look forward to anymore, and that is just no way to live a life.

I keep trying to say, "hang in there. One of these upcoming treatments will help you. It will help all of us." But then I think what if not. I can do 5 years of this, maybe 10. But I can't do a lifetime. My brain can't even process 60 years of suffering like this.

I doubt it that there is anything I could say at this point in time that could take some weight off your shoulders, but I'm going to try anyway...

I'm in similar situation myself. A really unfortunate moment that literally lasted half of a minute, reduced my quality of life to zero about four months ago. I still find it hard to believe, really. I kept blaming myself for that moment everyday, despite the fact it was in large part out of my control. Counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep has become a depressing habit for me as well...

All throughout life I thought that certain situations occurred in one's life so as to teach us a valuable lesson of sorts. To be fair, I'm not so sure what the lesson would be in your or my case... What could the purpose possibly be to feel such agony on a daily basis? I don't know... Perhaps the purpose of all this could be ascribed to a much larger metaphysical picture; something that is, unfortunately, incomprehensible to us as of now. I'm desperately trying to make sense of a horrible situation and it does somewhat give me a sense of relief to think that there's reason for our suffering, that, it is not completely pointless. I genuinely hope that it will give you a sense of relief as well...

I hope that as time passes you'll eventually be able to forgive yourself. I stopped blaming myself for what happened because it was just adding up to the stress, making it even harder to cope with the present situation. We're going to need all of our strength to keep pushing. Needless to say, we can't go back to that point in time to stop it from taking place, so the only option left is to move forward and to make the best out of this situation. That is also what I decided to do even though my window is really small.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next few years, but I'm going to hold on as long as possible to increase my chances of seeing the treatments of tomorrow. I won't last a lifetime either, but the most important thing in my opinion is to hold on as long as you can. And please remember that you're not alone! Reach out to a loved one whenever you feel the need to.

 

[Aldran]

At my wits' end, I can get a break from this high pitched ringing. Has anyone found that taking either Depakote or Gabapentin made their tinnitus worse?

 

[fishbone]

Needless to say, we can't go back to that point in time to stop it from taking place, so the only option left is to move forward and to make the best out of this situation.

100% agree with this. I like many here, would have loved to go back in time and to have taken better care of my ears. The only thing I/WE can do is to take care of our ears and try to adapt to our situation(s). It's not easy, it takes work, but it is possible.

Bless......

 

[HootOwl]

What was your latest acoustic trauma?

It was an unfortunate mix of very loud and close traffic (got stuck in a spot where I was holding something and couldn't set it down quickly enough to plug my ears, probably a full minute at 85-90 dbs) and not realizing that a loud tone had turned on in my phone as I took a 2 hour nap. Possibly infection as I had a high fever the day it happened as well.

 

[HootOwl]

I doubt it that there is anything I could say at this point in time that could take some weight off your shoulders, but I'm going to try anyway...

I'm in similar situation myself. A really unfortunate moment that literally lasted half of a minute, reduced my quality of life to zero about four months ago. I still find it hard to believe, really. I kept blaming myself for that moment everyday, despite the fact it was in large part out of my control. Counting down the hours until I can go back to sleep has become a depressing habit for me as well...

All throughout life I thought that certain situations occurred in one's life so as to teach us a valuable lesson of sorts. To be fair, I'm not so sure what the lesson would be in your or my case... What could the purpose possibly be to feel such agony on a daily basis? I don't know... Perhaps the purpose of all this could be ascribed to a much larger metaphysical picture; something that is, unfortunately, incomprehensible to us as of now. I'm desperately trying to make sense of a horrible situation and it does somewhat give me a sense of relief to think that there's reason for our suffering, that, it is not completely pointless. I genuinely hope that it will give you a sense of relief as well...

I hope that as time passes you'll eventually be able to forgive yourself. I stopped blaming myself for what happened because it was just adding up to the stress, making it even harder to cope with the present situation. We're going to need all of our strength to keep pushing. Needless to say, we can't go back to that point in time to stop it from taking place, so the only option left is to move forward and to make the best out of this situation. That is also what I decided to do even though my window is really small.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next few years, but I'm going to hold on as long as possible to increase my chances of seeing the treatments of tomorrow. I won't last a lifetime either, but the most important thing in my opinion is to hold on as long as you can. And please remember that you're not alone! Reach out to a loved one whenever you feel the need to.

Thank you Lab, and to Nate and Kris and Fishbone. Everyone on this forum is so kind...kind of tears me up but I'm a crier haha and it warms my heart how we all seem to genuinely care about each other's well being.

Lab, your words especially have struck a very deep cord inside of me. I will try to forgive myself and move forward, little by little. I spend a lot of time in the research threads and it's like I know the light is there. For me, and for all of us.

Until then, I will try to make strides every day as best I can. You're right, we need all the strength we can.